Fleabag 1x3

Directed by Harry Bradbeer

Olivia Colman as Godmother • Bill Paterson as Dad • Jamie Demetriou as Bus Rodent • Brett Gelman as Martin • Anthony Welsh as Jack

Fleabag helps her inappropriate brother-in-law buy a present for Claire, who is organising her own surprise birthday party. Meanwhile, on the hunt for a date, Fleabag reconnects with a toothy friend.

Request examples:

!req Fleabag 1x3 [02:32]
!req Fleabag 1x3 [Fleabag 1x3]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Fleabag 1x3 [10-11]; !req Fleabag 1x3 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Jogging.

2. I did a fart the other day

3. that was exactly like Mom's.

4. A door opening or suspicious duck?

5. A door opening.

6. It means you're getting Mom's bum.

7. God. I'd be lucky.

8. My bottom dropped ages ago.

9. My farts used to be like—

10. Pah!

11. Now they're just sort of

12. fighting their way out.

13. I haven't farted in about three years.

14. Happy birthday.

15. She won't eat it.

16. Thanks.

17. So, it's a 7 p.m. arrival tonight

18. for a 7:30 surprise, okay?

19. Yeah, I got your email.

20. It's really a business birthday thing.

21. It won't be much fun, so just don't expect a party party.

22. I won't.

23. And maybe just wear trousers.

24. And don't drink too much.

25. There's this huge promotion in Finland.

26. So this party is quite a serious—

27. I mean, it's basically a business meeting.

28. Sounds like a blast.

29. Can I bring a date?

30. - Harry? - No.

31. Who?

32. Ooh, I don't know yet.

33. It's really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard.

34. Why?

35. Flaunting your life.

36. God, I can't wait to be old.

37. If it's any consolation, you look older than you are.

38. Sorry. Sorry.

39. Hello, Claire speaking.

40. Mom died three years ago.

41. She had a double mastectomy but never really recovered.

42. It was particularly hard,

43. because she had amazing boobs.

44. She used to tell me I was lucky,

45. 'cause mine would never get in the way.

46. My sister's got whoppers.

47. But she got all of Mom's good bits.

48. What's Martin giving you?

49. Oof. Cursory stroke would be nice.

50. What? No bang-bang?

51. He says he's still got that thing on his—

52. What?

53. On his—

54. Come on, you can do it.

55. - I don't have to say— - Yes, you do.

56. - No, not here. - Come on. Little one.

57. - Please. - No.

58. - Penis. - Thank you.

59. He says he still...

60. has that thing on his penis. Sorry.

61. Christ.

62. Look at that man. Tragic.

63. Nah, he's a con.

64. You can't call someone who is grieving a con.

65. That is shit grieving.

66. - Look at him. He's— - No one grieves like that

67. unless their in a film or from Italy.

68. Who are you to pass judgment on his grief?

69. Trust me, he's at a different grave every day.

70. He can't get enough of it.

71. What?

72. You come here every day?

73. Don't do a jumpy-outy surprise thing,

74. and don't sing "Happy Birthday,"

75. I couldn't bear it.

76. I'm, um—

77. I'm actually looking forward to it.

78. Hi, Harry, it's me, um,

79. listen, I know we're broken up,

80. but it's— it's Claire's birthday tonight,

81. and I thought that, um—

82. Uh, I thought that maybe, um,

83. you'd like to come to her...

84. birthday party.

85. Um, anyway, give me a call,

86. and, um, hope you're okay. Bye.

87. Can't go out with a dog.

88. My boyfriend before Harry

89. used to make me send him pictures of my vagina

90. wherever I was.

91. Ten or 11 times a day.

92. One day, when I was temping,

93. he asked me to—

94. Time to throw the net out.

95. - Hey! I am in so much in trouble.

96. Jesus Christ!

97. What am I gonna get Claire?

98. I am meant to get her the perfect present.

99. I am not drunk.

100. Always drunk.

101. - I am not drunk!

102. Ohh, which is odd, 'cause Claire's so straight.

103. Smack me in the face. Really hard.

104. - Really? - Yeah.

105. Oh, okay.

106. Fuck.

107. I think you've given me a semi.

108. Can I eat a water or a sandwich or something?

109. I mean, the man's got a problem.

110. Speak to me. Speak to me.

111. But no one wants to admit there's a problem,

112. because then they don't get to have crazy nights out

113. with fun drunk Martin.

114. Chicken. Are you chicken? No.

115. He's one of those men who is explosively

116. sexually inappropriate with everyone,

117. but makes you feel bad if you take offense,

118. because he was just being fun.

119. Honestly, you could tell him you're gonna pop to the loo,

120. and he'll say—

121. Yes, you pop to the loo.

122. Pull down your knickers and then I will come in

123. and fuck you.

124. I mean, this place is ridiculous.

125. Does anyone ever come in here?

126. I mean, it is creepy as fuck.

127. Why don't you get her a guinea pig?

128. It was a surprise hit here.

129. What? You think she'd like a pig?

130. Can I take this one?

131. No, not that one!

132. Christ, woman. Something wrong with that one.

133. It's got death in its eyes.

134. Yeah. Vet says she's depressed.

135. Oh.

136. Aren't we all, girl?

137. You know, guinea pigs can die of loneliness.

138. Can they?

139. - Hold her. - No.

140. - She needs it. - No.

141. Shh.

142. I have an idea.

143. Uh. He's sexually inappropriate,

144. and he eats raw sausages,

145. but no one's made her laugh like he does,

146. so I guess I have to give him that.

147. All right, just put your—

148. Wait. What are you doing? What are you doing?

149. - No. - Stop it.

150. - No, no, no. There.

151. There we go.

152. I'm an innocent man.

153. I bought her a necklace with her name on it,

154. but she found and told me not to buy.

155. - Okay. - I bought her a book—

156. That she already has.

157. And she says not to buy her any clothes,

158. because she probably won't wear them.

159. She scares me!

160. Oh, this sandwich is so good.

161. Look, this is London.

162. Just fuck off and buy something weird and expensive.

163. No, no. It's gotta be good, all right?

164. Help me!

165. Pay me and I'll help you.

166. Fuck off!

167. How much?

168. 60 pounds.

169. - 70. - Done.

170. - Yeah!

171. I don't know who she is.

172. Is she...?

173. No.

174. What about...?

175. No.

176. Just get whoever you are.

177. Who are you?

178. I don't know, I—

179. I want to be that person.

180. I have been that person.

181. - Hot.

182. Uh, but most of the time I'm that person.

183. Like everyone else.

184. They're good, right?

185. - Chic? - Chic means boring.

186. Don't tell the French.

187. What about these?

188. No. God.

189. No. Stop checking.

190. All right? Nobody loves you.

191. Help me here.

192. Who is this person?

193. Fuck no.

194. This is perfect.

195. Get her something she'd never get herself.

196. Surprise her.

197. She'll think I've gone nuts.

198. No. She'll think you see her as this person.

199. And everyone wants to be this person.

200. I don't know.

201. I— Aren't these for children?

202. No.

203. Let's keep going.

204. I saw some more stuff she'll hate over there.

205. Those are great.

206. My neighbor...

207. is really fit.

208. - Which one? - The fit one.

209. The one with the sexy big belly?

210. No, no, he's the other neighbor.

211. He's like— he's like— Okay.

212. I'm gonna hold his face in my head so you can see him.

213. Okay.

214. I'm not getting anything.

215. - Make your face his face. - Yeah, okay.

216. Is he mixed race? I'm getting mixed—

217. - Yes.

218. - That's him. - Go on.

219. - No. - Go, yes.

220. Okay. Okay.

221. Jesus.

222. I'm really sorry, we're really high.

223. Just really wanted to know what you look like.

224. She thinks you're lovely.

225. Oh, my God, look at my elegant feet.

226. Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Hello.

227. Hey. Hey!

228. What's your problem? Who was that?

229. Uh— Oh, no one. It was, uh—

230. Uh, what?

231. No, don't. I just need to—

232. to go and get a drink, or something.

233. Okay.

234. Uh, excellent.

235. Can I go get my shoes?

236. Uh, yeah. Okay.

237. Whoa. Easy, tiger.

238. Coming from you?

239. So, come on. Who was that heartbreaker? Hm?

240. He used to go out with Boo.

241. And then he slept with someone else,

242. and then she—

243. Yeah, yeah, I know. Okay?

244. Fuck.

245. I've never really said how sorry I was.

246. You should get the trainers.

247. She'll say I don't know her.

248. You don't.

249. You're just as bad.

250. It's never clear what she wants.

251. I should just get her some perfume.

252. Jesus. Just fuck her.

253. Please. For the love of a good woman.

254. Just wrap your willy up in a bow and just screw her.

255. She's going insane.

256. What is it?

257. Are you having an affair?

258. Think you're a clever little puss, don't you?

259. Little marital poke isn't gonna kill you.

260. Would it kill her to take me out to dinner?

261. You girls. Jesus.

262. Anyone said that to her, they'd be hung.

263. If they were hung, she probably wouldn't be complaining.

264. Little advice from a married man.

265. Oh.

266. You should probably get yourself out there, sweetie.

267. You're just tipping your prime.

268. Another drink? Hm?

269. - Bingo.

270. Excuse me. I have a date.

271. Get the trainers. Shop closes in an hour.

272. Oh, God.

273. I was not expecting to see you again.

274. Shut up.

275. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm shocked to my boots,

276. but, um— Yeah. Oh, and thank you for the text.

277. Saucy. Oh, and sorry I'm late.

278. Oh, no, it's fine, it was last minute.

279. - It's really nice to see you. - No, no, no, I—

280. I'm such a tool box. You know, I'd like to say

281. I was trying to save a puppy or something,

282. but I just got my coat caught in someone else's coat outside the tube.

283. You know, we had to separate ourselves,

284. it was fucking intense.

285. I had to give him my coat.

286. What are we doing?

287. Oh, well, it's my sister's surprise birthday party.

288. Oh, my God, I love surprises. Go on.

289. Oh, yeah, but I just thought—

290. I need to get her a present first.

291. Oh, my God, what are you gonna get her?

292. I know this beautiful soap shop.

293. I mean, this stuff just gets you straight in the bath.

294. Oh, I was thinking more like—

295. Yeah?

296. Oh, yeah.

297. These places all the time, so, yeah.

298. - You okay? - Y— Yeah.

299. - Sorry.

300. - I won't be long. - Oh.

301. Hi.

302. - Hi. - Hi.

303. - Hi. - Hey.

304. What are you craving?

305. Oh, just a really, really cheap thrill.

306. For you?

307. Oh. Hello.

308. No, it— it's for her sister.

309. Yeah, it's for my very sexually frustrated sister.

310. Just a basic bunny would be great.

311. Okay, well, I'll see what I can dig out,

312. and you go browse.

313. Thanks.

314. - Oh.

315. Oh, I think you just... diddle the bottom.

316. There's always a twist.

317. Ooh.

318. - Warm. - I know.

319. Yeah. You should totally get one of those.

320. - A vagina? - Yeah.

321. Oh, I've already got one.

322. Really. You've got one.

323. I take it with me everywhere.

324. No, you lie.

325. You don't have one on you now.

326. Yep. Never gonna get it.

327. Where?

328. - Where's my vagina? - Yeah.

329. - Where's my vagina? - Yeah.

330. Ha! You got me.

331. I don't carry a vagina around with me.

332. That'd be way too provocative.

333. Didn't get it.

334. Okay, so this one's really great.

335. It's half price because it's quite relentless.

336. It's called the Burrower.

337. Basically, it doesn't stop until you've come.

338. Excuse me.

339. Oh, don't worry about him.

340. He'll be fine in a minute.

341. Oh, my God, I love surprise parties.

342. I love them, I love them, I love, love, love.

343. Will your parents be there?

344. - My dad might be, yeah. - Oh, intense.

345. Parents adore me.

346. Um, I want you to be totally in love with me

347. by the end of the night.

348. - Okay?

349. Who's that?

350. - Oh, it's my sister. - Wha— Oh, no, no.

351. We're gonna ruin the surprise.

352. - No, no, we— Ahh. - Oh, no, no, no.

353. - No, really— - Get down.

354. - It will be f— - All: Surprise!

355. Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

356. I'm so surprised.

357. She's very good.

358. How divine. What a lovely husband you have.

359. And where is he, then?

360. Ah. Busy.

361. I'm blown away.

362. I had absolutely no idea.

363. Oh, Hildegard, could I just

364. grab you for a second?

365. - Hello. - Hello.

366. Uh, Dad. Hi.

367. Thank you for asking. Yeah.

368. Uh, I'm essentially a documentary maker.

369. - Docs.

370. Oh, really? What is your latest project?

371. Well, sir, uh, I'm interested in life,

372. uh, and how it affects lots of people

373. in all sorts of different ways.

374. Yeah, it's awesome.

375. - How'd you two meet?

376. Oh, I met her on a bus.

377. So easy to pick up girls these days.

378. I was like, "Hi," and she's like, "Oh, take my number."

379. I was like, "Yeah."

380. I'm just gonna see if there are any other wines to try,

381. and it's— it's lovely. Gonna see if there are some others.

382. Excuse me.

383. Can't resist.

384. Did you find anything nicer?

385. Oh, I was so sorry to hear about Harry.

386. Lovely Harry.

387. Love Harry.

388. Exciting news about his new job.

389. Yes. Very exciting.

390. I was so pleased that you found someone else so fast.

391. Mm.

392. I just can't stop conjuring an image of you sitting around that cafe

393. just all alone, feeling so terribly lonely.

394. Just can't stop picturing it.

395. I don't think you have to be alone to be lonely.

396. Dad always taught me that.

397. Did your father tell you that one of my pieces has gone missing?

398. He did. It's awful, I'm so sorry.

399. So sweet of you.

400. Very sweet.

401. May I cut in?

402. Yes, of course.

403. Do you know, you are the most perfect looking pair.

404. Such a great gang.

405. Do you want some normal food?

406. No. No.

407. Um, what I really want to do...

408. is this.

409. No. Sorry, nothing happened.

410. I was trying to be sexy.

411. So— No, it was, it was really sexy.

412. Was it?

413. What broke? What broke? Show me.

414. Uh, nothing, I just slipped.

415. - Claire, this is my friend— - Yes. Yes.

416. - We've already met. - Martin: My wife.

417. My wife. My wife.

418. All of your desires are wrapped up in here.

419. Okay.

420. Open it.

421. Well, gold has always—

422. Wow. Uh—

423. That's really rather wonderful.

424. Thank you. What is it?

425. Is it a paperweight or—

426. It is a shrine to your body.

427. Because I love your body.

428. Thank you.

429. Wow. Wow. This is really—

430. Could I— Could I see this? It's really quite—

431. Something. Wow, I think it's really—

432. Maybe a bit inappropriate for your guests to see.

433. Your body and this.

434. I'm just gonna shepherd it somewhere safe.

435. Okay?

436. Smooth.

437. Well, I told you I'd find you a buyer.

438. Your boy, he is hilarious, smart, funny.

439. Fuck off.

440. You'd fuck anything, wouldn't you?

441. Just don't tell her you got the statue from me, okay?

442. Oh. How much you want for it?

443. Finger up the ass? Nipple tickle?

444. Come on. Lighten up.

445. She's gonna leave you one day.

446. You looking forward to that?

447. You're an asshole.

448. Hey!

449. Hey.

450. I think you took my coat.

451. - Oh. - I'm sorry.

452. That's my coat.

453. Oh, sorry.

454. Why are you leaving so early?

455. Oh, I have to give Hillary some Earl Grey.

456. She's not feeling well, so—

457. Oh. Got you this.

458. Oh. I wasn't expecting anything.

459. It's called a Burrower.

460. It basically won't stop until you come.

461. Sounds horrendous.

462. Thank you.

463. Good, uh, birthday business?

464. Oh, huge.

465. You know, I don't want to jinx anything, but...

466. huge.

467. Could be life changing.

468. Great.

469. Okay, happy birthday.

470. Thanks.

471. Are you okay?

472. Yeah.

473. Tell the truth.

474. Are we leaving?

475. Yes.

476. Birthday girl. Oh.

477. Awesome party. Thank you so much.

478. We had such a great night.

479. Oh! Whoa.

480. Oh. What's that?

481. Oh.

482. Good night.

483. - Good night. - Night.

484. Shall we?

485. Surprisingly boney.

486. I'm nearly finished.

487. I'm nearly finished.

488. It's like having sex with a protractor.

489. I'm finishing.

490. I'm finishing.

491. I'm— I'm done!

492. I'm done.

493. I'm done.

494. - Oh. Okay. - Oh.

495. Oh! Yeah.

496. Are you done?

497. Oh, yeah.

498. - Okay. - Yeah.

499. Amazing. That was amazing.

500. - Yeah. - It was amazing.

501. Yeah.

502. Yeah.

503. - That was amazing. - Yeah.

504. Yeah.

505. For fuck's sake.

506. What?

507. Okay, you don't go through life with teeth like these,

508. and— and not...

509. know when someone's pretending.

510. What the fuck is that?

511. I'll kick it! I'll kick it!

512. No! No!

513. I— I'll kick it. Wha—

514. Uh— Do we catch that or is that yours?

515. - That is a rat. - It's a guinea pig.

516. That is a rat.