Fleabag 1x1

Directed by Tim Kirkby

Sean Richards-Mulzac as Young Man • Tree Waller-Bridge as Lecturer • Sarah Daykin as Drunk Girl • Jordan Long as Taxi Driver • Ben Aldridge as Arsehole Guy

Angry, pervy, outrageous and hilarious, Fleabag arrives with a bang, as she spins through the city grasping at anyone and anything that might keep her head above water.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You know that feeling when a guy you like

2. sends you a text at 2:00 on a Tuesday night

3. asking if he can come and find you

4. and you've accidentally made it out like you've just got in yourself

5. so you have to get out of bed, drink a half bottle of wine,

6. get in the shower, shave everything,

7. dig out some Agent Provocateur business,

8. suspender belt, the whole bit,

9. and wait by the door until the buzzer goes?

10. And then you open the door to him

11. like you'd almost forgotten he was coming over.

12. Oh.

13. Hi.

14. Hey.

15. Hey.

16. Hey.

17. And then you get to it immediately.

18. After some pretty standard bouncing,

19. you realize...

20. he's edging towards your arsehole.

21. But you're drunk,

22. and he made the effort to come all the way here,

23. so you let him.

24. He's thrilled.

25. Ohh.

26. I'm so thrilled.

27. And then the next morning,

28. you wake to find him fully dressed,

29. sat on the side of the bed,

30. gazing at you.

31. - He says the— - Last night was incredible.

32. Which you think is an overstatement,

33. but then he goes on to say that—

34. It was particularly special because, uh,

35. I've never managed to actually...

36. up the bum with anyone before.

37. To be fair, he does have a large penis.

38. And though that's always been a fantasy of mine,

39. I've never found anyone I could do it with.

40. And then he touches your hair.

41. And thanks you with a genuine earnest.

42. Thank you.

43. It's sort of moving.

44. Then he kisses you gently.

45. And then he leaves.

46. And you spend the rest of the day

47. wondering...

48. Do I have a massive arsehole?

49. Wow. Um, this doesn't happen very often, does it?

50. No.

51. No, I s—

52. I suppose it's—

53. it's quite rare, you know.

54. Yeah.

55. I hate myself.

56. Um, are you going to work?

57. Uh, not actually.

58. Okay. Um, this is going to sound crazy,

59. uh, but I think that I should take your number,

60. and I think I should call it,

61. and I think I should ask you

62. if you want to go out for a drink with me.

63. Um...

64. Fuck me, you've got a boyfriend.

65. Um, no, um, we broke up quite recently, you see.

66. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry-slash-really pleased.

67. Um, how the hell did he manage to fuck that up.

68. Power rarely gives up without a fight...

69. particularly in places

70. where there are divisions of tribe

71. and divisions of sect.

72. We also know that populism can take dangerous turns.

73. And there will be difficult days along the way...

74. from the extremism of those

75. who would use democracy to deny minority rights

76. to the nationalism that—

77. - What are you doing? - Nothing.

78. Harry.

79. I know what you were doing.

80. I was watching the news.

81. Really?

82. Yeah.

83. Really?

84. Yeah.

85. What was he talking about, then?

86. What?

87. Please, I just need to hear this.

88. What was he talking about?

89. Iraq.

90. Don't say anything.

91. And please don't stop me leaving.

92. Please don't.

93. - Okay. - Don't!

94. You know, I've really tried to be there for you through this.

95. You can't say I haven't tried.

96. Don't say anything.

97. And please don't contact me

98. or turn up at my house drunk in your underwear.

99. - It won't work this time. - It will.

100. I'm taking that posh shampoo.

101. He was talking about democ—

102. Uh, he was just—

103. really kind

104. and supportive of my work.

105. He'd cook all the time, run baths, Hoover.

106. He'd laugh at all of my jokes.

107. He was really great with my family,

108. and my friends loved him.

109. Plus, he was really fucking affectionate.

110. Yeah, he sounds like a dickhead.

111. Yeah.

112. So— So was that, like,

113. you can have my number, or what are we—

114. Yes. Yeah. I guess that's a yes.

115. Oh, my God. Great.

116. Uh, okay.

117. That there.

118. And I'll be sure to treat you like a nasty little bitch.

119. Um, that was a joke.

120. Oh, I know, I know.

121. Okay. I was like, oh—

122. Okay. Great. Well, uh,

123. I— I'll see you, then?

124. Okay.

125. Okay. Okay.

126. I can't stop smiling.

127. Sorry. I—

128. Well— Okay.

129. Thank you for coming in today.

130. We really appreciate you considering us

131. for your small business startup loan.

132. No problem.

133. I've read your application form.

134. Thank you.

135. It was funny.

136. Oh.

137. Okay. That wasn't my intention, but—

138. As you are probably aware,

139. we haven't had the opportunity to support many—

140. any women-led businesses since the—

141. Sexual harassment case.

142. The sexual harassment case.

143. Yes.

144. Are you all right?

145. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I just, um,

146. I ran from the station, so I'm just a bit hot.

147. Though I'm really excited about, um—

148. - Water? - No, thanks. I'm fine.

149. Actually, yeah. Water would be great.

150. - If I could— - Sure.

151. There are a couple of details

152. that we need to iron out,

153. and one or two bits and pieces

154. I'm going to see some more of.

155. It says in here that you opened the business

156. - with your partner in— - Mm-hmm.

157. Okay.

158. I'm sorry. That kind of thing

159. won't get you very far here anymore.

160. Oh, no. Sorry.

161. I thought I had a top on underneath.

162. - Yeah, okay. - No, seriously.

163. In this case, genuine accident.

164. I can see, given our history, why you might think that—

165. No. Seriously, I wasn't trying to. I was hot.

166. I take this kind of thing very seriously.

167. No, I'm not trying to shag you. Look at yourself.

168. Okay.

169. Please leave.

170. Uh...

171. No, you don't understand. I need this.

172. I need this loan.

173. Please just leave.

174. Perv.

175. Slut.

176. Wow.

177. My sister.

178. She's uptight and beautiful

179. and probably anorexic,

180. but clothes look awesome on her, so—

181. You're almost late.

182. I had to do a flash poo in Pret.

183. Christ, did you wash your hands?

184. Of course not.

185. Oh, my God. You are disgusting.

186. - Fucking hell. - Of course I washed my hands.

187. It's not like I grew up without a mother.

188. Heard from Dad?

189. Nope.

190. Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters

191. was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures,

192. start fucking our godmother, and eventually stop calling.

193. You look tired.

194. Thanks. I've been sleeping really well recently.

195. Shit.

196. I'm wearing the top

197. that she lost years ago,

198. so this is going to be tense.

199. Do you want to take your coat off?

200. - No. - Okay.

201. - Oh. - So sorry.

202. So any luck?

203. Oh, God, can we just have two seconds—

204. I was going to ask how it was going with the café.

205. - I don't want to talk about it. - Fine. We won't talk, then.

206. Fine.

207. Hair looks nice.

208. Oh, fuck off.

209. The only thing harder

210. than having to tell your super high-powered,

211. perfect, anorexic, rich super sister

212. that you've run out of money

213. is having to ask her to bail you out.

214. I'm just going to ask her.

215. I'm just going to ask her.

216. I'm just going to ask her.

217. I'm just going to come—

218. - Do you need to borrow money? - No.

219. Can't do it. Can't do it.

220. Can't do it. Can't do it.

221. So business is good, then.

222. Yeah. It's good. it's really good.

223. It's really, really good.

224. Yeah, it's really good.

225. Sounds like it's really good.

226. It is.

227. Hey.

228. Hey.

229. Can I get you anything?

230. No, thanks. I'm good.

231. Are you sure I can't get you anything at all?

232. Is Harry helping?

233. Uh, we broke up.

234. What? Again?

235. Mm. If you see him, I'm a wreck, okay?

236. God, just don't get drunk

237. and scream to his letter box again.

238. Wow. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

239. Don't get drunk and shit in your sink again.

240. When are you going to stop bringing that up?

241. When you do something better.

242. I have two degrees, a husband, and a Burberry coat.

243. You shat in a sink.

244. Oh.

245. - Hi. - Hi.

246. - Thank you. Hi. - No problem.

247. Nothing is ever going to be better.

248. I swear there are pants that give you thrush.

249. What are yours made from?

250. I don't know.

251. I need to get sexy pants.

252. I hate my body. I hate my body.

253. I hate my body. I hate my body.

254. Fucking last-minute bastard trendy parties.

255. Why do we do it to ourselves?

256. Oh, my God. Definitely not.

257. That does nothing for you.

258. I hate that.

259. What?

260. These are my clothes, Boo.

261. I've been wearing these all day.

262. Oh, God.

263. Were you wearing your coat?

264. Yes. But—

265. Well, nothing here looked nice,

266. so I just thought I would wear what I was wearing anyway.

267. - Are you joking? - Are you joking?

268. Yes.

269. - Oh, my— - It's really not that bad.

270. - Why didn't you tell me? - I'm sorry! I love you!

271. I have to get a whole new outfit now!

272. I'll buy you pants. I'll buy you sexy—

273. I've been so many places today!

274. I'll buy you sexy pants.

275. Fuck off.

276. I'm sorry. I think it's a lovely dress.

277. - Grrr!

278. Oh, I mean,

279. you really shouldn't wear such cheap material.

280. They don't let your fanny breathe.

281. I know.

282. God, look at you.

283. Thank you so much for coming to Women Speak.

284. Opening women's mouths since 1998.

285. Before we begin, I would like to ask you a question.

286. I don't know about you,

287. but I need some reassurance.

288. So I pose the question

289. to the women in this room today.

290. Please raise your hands

291. if you would trade five years of your life...

292. for the so-called perfect body.

293. We're bad feminists.

294. I want my top back.

295. Okay.

296. Won't you get cold?

297. No, I got really hairy nipples.

298. What?

299. - Oh! Fuck! - Fuck!

300. What was that? Jesus!

301. A fucking hug!

302. Why the fuck did you do that?

303. It was terrifying. Never do that again.

304. I was just trying to—

305. Are you okay?

306. Yeah.

307. Do you want to go for a drink or—

308. I've got plans.

309. Okay. Fine. Sure.

310. See you next time Women Speak, then.

311. Do you want to go for a drink?

312. My sister blows glass.

313. Uh, she has done for a long time.

314. I've never, like, been in a fight.

315. Well, I've been in a fight.

316. Never been punched in the face.

317. You know what I mean? I've been punched in the leg.

318. And someone once threw some punch in my face.

319. So my colors this season are sort of brown, mainly,

320. but, like, you know, I wouldn't say no to a maroon.

321. I wouldn't, like, jump down the throat

322. of someone wearing something blue.

323. It's just not for me.

324. So I'm going to go for a waz.

325. You good? Okay.

326. Same again? While I'm up?

327. Or perhaps, like, a little cocky-tail?

328. Or, like— Or, like another shot?

329. Oh, uh, yeah, or we could just go back to mine.

330. Wow. Uh, thanks.

331. Uh, I've actually got work tomorrow,

332. but, uh, another drink here.

333. Or we could just go back to yours.

334. Got to be up really early, so—

335. I could always get you a cab in the morning.

336. That's ridiculous. Like—

337. Okay, what the fuck is your problem?

338. Oh. Uh, nothing.

339. I, um, I like you.

340. Okay, you're a dick.

341. What's going on?

342. You're pathetic.

343. - Wait. - Don't follow me.

344. I— I wasn't.

345. You— You dropped this.

346. Um—

347. Come on.

348. You okay?

349. Are you okay?

350. Sad face.

351. I'm fine.

352. Mmm.

353. Oh...

354. You're such a lovely man.

355. Okay.

356. - Thank you. - Come on.

357. Stay there, stay there. You okay?

358. Okay, here. Here.

359. Do you— Do you want to come home with me?

360. What?

361. No way!

362. You naughty boy.

363. - Ohh. - So...

364. sing a song, Boo-boo.

365. Hey, come here.

366. Let's never ask anyone for anything.

367. They don't get it.

368. Deal.

369. Deal.

370. Fuck it.

371. Hello, hello, hello! Open up!

372. This is totally fine.

373. Hello! Open!

374. Hello.

375. All right, Dad.

376. What's going on?

377. Oh, I'm— I'm absolutely fine.

378. Okay.

379. I just, uh...

380. Yeah?

381. Ah, it's nothing.

382. It doesn't—

383. It's—

384. You know, it's nearly 2:00 in the morning.

385. Okay.

386. Yeah. Okay. Um,

387. I don't wanna— I'm gonna...

388. just...

389. Oh, fuck it. I have a horrible feeling

390. that I'm a greedy, perverted,

391. selfish, apathetic, cynical, depraved,

392. morally bankrupt woman who can't even call herself a feminist.

393. Well, um...

394. you get all that from your mother, you know.

395. Good one.

396. I— I'm going to call you a cab, darling,

397. and, uh, please, don't go upstairs.

398. To be fair, she's not an evil stepmother.

399. She's just a cunt.

400. Hi.

401. Darling, I thought that must be you.

402. Everything all right?

403. Yeah, I just thought I'd swing by.

404. Oh, how lovely. Lucky us.

405. Don't worry. Dad's already booking me a taxi.

406. What are you doing?

407. Oh, painting.

408. I find that nighttime's very peaceful—

409. usually.

410. Well, warming up.

411. Look, I know it's— it's not really my place,

412. but are you okay? Everyone's been really worried.

413. Poor fucker.

414. Yes. She's actually an expression

415. of how women are subtle warriors—

416. strong at heart, you know.

417. We don't have to use muscular force

418. to get what we want. We just use our—

419. Tits.

420. Innate femininity.

421. Tits don't get you anywhere these days.

422. Trust me.

423. It's very valuable, actually.

424. How much?

425. - Thousands. - Oh.

426. - Can I have it?

427. No.

428. What's that?

429. Oh, uh, my self-portrait.

430. Oh.

431. Right, it's here.

432. Oh, I think I can hear your dad.

433. Cab's here!

434. Thanks!

435. Aw, nice of him.

436. Okay. Bye.

437. Bye.

438. Um, please look after yourself.

439. You really do look ghastly, darling.

440. Oh, a café, eh?

441. Yeah.

442. On your own?

443. Uh, kind of.

444. Kind of? Go on.

445. Well, it's kind of a funny story, actually.

446. Oh, now, that's good. It'll keep me going.

447. Shoot.

448. I opened the café with my friend Boo.

449. - Cute name. - Yeah.

450. Yeah, she's dead now.

451. She accidentally killed herself.

452. It wasn't her intention,

453. but it wasn't a total accident.

454. She didn't actually think she'd die.

455. She just found out

456. that her boyfriend fucked someone else

457. and wanted to punish him by ending up in hospital

458. and not letting him visit her for a bit.

459. She decided to walk into a busy cycle lane,

460. wanting to get tangled in a bike

461. and break a finger, maybe.

462. As it turns out, bikes go fast

463. and flip you into the road.

464. Three people died. She was such a dick.

465. So yeah. Kind of on my own.