Flatbush Misdemeanors 1x1

1. I'm not gonna say it again. Do not move.

2. Now, what are you doing here?

3. - He's just— - I'm not talking to you!

4. I'm making a delivery.

5. So why didn't you come through the front?

6. I always go through the back.

7. It's not Kev's fault.

8. I propped the back door open for him.

9. Warren, Marcus is peeing in the library.

10. Look, I got a 602 trespasser,

11. maybe weapons dealer, or kidnaper, or a child predator.

12. Look I'm gonna need to search you.

13. - You too, Dan. - I've teaching here two years.

14. Yet you still managed to put every kid in danger

15. by propping the door open.

16. Well, my bad there.

17. You really think I'd commit a crime in a neon traffic vest?

18. I'm just doing my job.

19. I'm just doing my job.

20. Dude, that's my lunch.

21. Just last month, this neighborhood had 28 burglaries,

22. 15 robberies, and 22 assaults.

23. Yeah, I'm sorry, none of that happened to my rice.

24. Can you not report this?

25. I'm sorry. Can you not report this?

26. Listen, I don't care.

27. Kev is not a threat, all right.

28. He's my best friend bringing me food.

29. He's new to Flatbush.

30. He's just an honest, struggling artist.

31. Don't say "struggling." Just say "artist."

32. I just meant that, like, we're all struggling.

33. You know, like, life's a struggle, you know.

34. Anyway, he's trying to save money to move off my couch,

35. and he needs to get back to work.

36. Let him go. Please, let him go.

37. Hey, move out the way, fat ass.

38. Get back here, you disgusting boys!

39. Marcus, you cannot piss in the library!

40. Marcus! Stupid boys.

41. Come on and catch me then!

42. Marcus! Marcus! Go, go!

43. You left these at the crib.

44. Oh, I don't— I don't need it.

45. It looks like you do.

46. Yeah, I do. No, thank you.

47. I gotta make more deliveries. I'll see you later.

48. Yeah, I should get back to class.

49. Hey yo, Mr. Joseph!

50. Mr. Joseph sucks dick!

51. You from Brooklyn?

52. Flatbush.

53. Rap professor, acknowledge the scholar shit

54. No scholar shit

55. She works for Vice now.

56. She's doing an expose on how many hoodies A Boogie own.

57. Bro, I'm trying to get like that, bro.

58. Trying to level up.

59. Nigga, how?

60. All you do is play this game.

61. Bro, I'm 'bout to be a professional

62. untitled goose game player.

63. Son, nobody is paying money to watch you play this shit.

64. Quit saying that.

65. Bro, you're being negative.

66. You know, this food should be free, how late you was.

67. No, no, no, yo, son!

68. I'm taking it back down

69. - Yo, look what you did! - I didn't do that.

70. Yo, Drew, you see this shit, nigga.

71. - Bro, I didn't do that. - Yes, you did, nigga.

72. You was the only one standing there.

73. - I was already— - Yo, what the—

74. Yo, nigga you spilled this, bro.

75. No, it was already like that.

76. No, it wasn't, nigga. It was not like this.

77. Do you what you just did?

78. Nigga, you know how hard that shit is to get.

79. I'm like one of the only niggas on the block with that shit.

80. Yo, Blue, where is my

81. Yo, bro chill. It don't need to be all that.

82. I'm sorry. My bad—

83. What the fuck is wrong with you?

84. What I'ma do with a sorry?

85. - Yo, Blue, where's my shit? Yo, I'm sorry man.

86. - You don't need to do all that. - Yo, Jon, get my shit.

87. I got you, nigga. Yo, please, chill out, man.

88. - It don't really mean— - Chill out?

89. It don't need to be what, motherfucker?

90. You know how much that shit cost?

91. Fuck you, all this shit three racks.

92. You got three racks on you? What you got on you?

93. Matter of fact, fuck is this?

94. - What? - I need that.

95. Shut the fuck up.

96. - Where's my shit?

97. I get off work in 9:30, bro.

98. Please, I promise you, I can pay you back, promise.

99. - Fucker.

100. - A'ight. - I'll pay you back.

101. Promise you, as soon as I get off work, man.

102. Motherfucker!

103. 9:50, that's what you got,

104. till 9:50, get my shit.

105. Now get the fuck outta here.

106. - Fuck outta here, pussy. - Oh, man

107. Yo, you believe this shit?

108. No, nigga, I don't.

109. Shit is good though.

110. - Ahh! - What's up?

111. No wonder, this nigga's a Virgo.

112. Stop playing, son. My baby mama's a Virgo, dog.

113. Can't stand no fucking Virgos.

114. Lisa, come on, you play—

115. don't walk away from the door, Lisa.

116. Now come back to the peephole, Lisa.

117. Go away! - I heard you walk away.

118. I would never do this to you and the kids.

119. Get away from my door! - Lisa, come on baby.

120. Baby, open the door.

121. You know I won't be lying no more.

122. - Lisa, come on. Do not be—

123. You got me out here in the hallway

124. looking crazy, baby.

125. So I'm sorry to knock again, but job make us give these out.

126. We got corn soup specials every Sunday from 12 to 12:15.

127. Yo, I found a gun.

128. Fuck!

129. - Georgia?

130. Who the hell is Georgia, and where are you?

131. I have plenty of customers waiting on their food.

132. All right, yeah, I'm on my way.

133. Wait, Miss Sherri, you think I can get paid earlier this week?

134. No boy, I don't ever pay people early.

135. - Yo, whoa, whoa. Hey!

136. Fuck me. Oh, oh.

137. Oh, yo!

138. Goddamn it, bro!

139. What did I do to you?

140. - Yo, come on, Jas.

141. Chill, man. Grandma in there asleep.

142. What you want?

143. She be sleeping through Jouvert.

144. She'll be a'ight.

145. We still getting up this weekend?

146. If you put one of these on. Damn.

147. - Nigga, stop. - The fuck, that was—

148. You good? Your drier working?

149. No, you know shit in this building don't fucking work.

150. Let me hold something.

151. Shit, I was about to ask you for something.

152. Why you need my money? Fuck is you talking about?

153. - Why you need my money? - I asked you first.

154. A'ight, look,

155. I just came from doing this delivery, right?

156. And it's like 12 niggas in there, right?

157. And soon as I walk in,

158. they immediately start swinging on me, right?

159. But I'm eating their shit, ah, ah, ah.

160. Just dodging it.

161. And then this big dude walk up to me like,

162. "Oh, this nigga too nice with it."

163. He hold a gun to my head.

164. "All right, man, if you gon' shoot, shoot."

165. He shoot, no bullets, right?

166. But by then, they already got me for my wallet,

167. my keys, everything like.

168. But I'm about to buy a gun and get my shit back.

169. Kevin, that did not happen.

170. You're right. It didn't happen.

171. But I do owe niggas money. Like, I'm for real.

172. - It's just— - You're dead-ass?

173. I wouldn't be asking you this if I ain't need it, come on.

174. Whatever you got. I can't—I can't do that.

175. - That's a lot. - Nigga, take less then.

176. - It's my shit anyway. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

177. I can't take that without paying you back.

178. Oh, yeah, you're definitely paying me back.

179. - I'ma pay you back. - With interest.

180. Okay, cool, tell your grandma I said I love her.

181. I love you too.

182. Girl, don't play with me.

183. - Girl, what I got to lie for? - But why would she do that?

184. 'Cause that's who she is. Watch.

185. You'll see when she show up. She prolly—

186. You know he had a girl, right?

187. Shut up!

188. Zayna, whisper. Like, whisper shut up.

189. You can't leave your kids alone in class, Dan.

190. I was just outside to help chase Marcus.

191. The kids were fine.

192. I didn't fill out the teacher's surveys you made us do.

193. You know it doesn't really matter to me

194. which teachers the kids like,

195. but the principal likes to know.

196. Okay, can I be honest?

197. I think those evaluations are popularity contest bullshit.

198. Your students rated you pretty high.

199. - Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

200. It's good to know though. I guess, it is good we do them.

201. I wouldn't rate well in popularity.

202. You're easy to like.

203. I just mean—here's what I meant with that sentence.

204. That you would rate higher than the other two vice principals,

205. or, like, Principal Douglass.

206. You would rate way higher than him.

207. Why do you say that?

208. 'Cause Douglass is such a—

209. wait, what do you think of him?

210. Are you asking me what I think

211. because if I like him, then you won't insult him?

212. Yeah, that's pretty standard.

213. Just being careful.

214. What's up? - What's up?

215. What's up? What the fuck?

216. Those our tests from today?

217. Yeah. How'd I do?

218. You didn't do great. Hey, don't grab the papers.

219. Come on, don't grab the papers.

220. Zayna, come on, come on, mind your business.

221. Stop, stop, stop, have respect for my job.

222. Yo, that's some low scores.

223. Zayna's so bad, she didn't get a number.

224. Bro, I didn't even finish. I don't care.

225. Mm-mm.

226. Okay, fine, since we're doing this here, Zayna,

227. I don't know why you half-ass all these tests.

228. Like, you're smarter than this.

229. Amaya got an F too.

230. Yeah, but that's the best she's gonna do.

231. But you can do much better. If you believed in yourself—

232. Oh, my gosh shut up!

233. Zayna, why don't the two of you go sit in the back with Dami.

234. - Man, fuck her.

235. Zayna.

236. What?

237. I was just playing, miss.

238. So how is that basketball thing going?

239. Oh, it's fun.

240. You should come hang at practice today.

241. I have to cover for the dance coach,

242. and I hate basketball.

243. Otherwise, I would.

244. Why do you volunteer as equipment manager?

245. I don't know. I—I just like basketball.

246. Like, in teaching, I gotta, like,

247. stick to the textbooks, right, and I keep having to fail them.

248. Wait, are a lot of your students failing?

249. Oh, no, no very few. They're—

250. Most of them are good.

251. - Hey, hey, hey, Zayna!

252. - Are you okay? - She stole my belt!

253. - I don't wanna hear it! - She stole my fucking belt!

254. - I don't wanna hear it! - But, Miss, that's—

255. I don't wanna hear it!

256. You need help? You need help, Jess?

257. Yeah, yeah, yeah, can you take this?

258. That's my fucking belt!

259. We're gonna take you to the E.R., okay?

260. Jess, what should I do with this?

261. - Just put that away, please. - Okay.

262. Zayna, you're in big trouble.

263. The belt's in the room, okay? Anything else?

264. - You are in big trouble, okay? I'm here to help.

265. Go home, go home, go home, go home.

266. Stop filming, go home. What can I do?

267. Yeah, just make sure they go home, okay?

268. She gave me a concussion.

269. Done. Anything else?

270. No, no, we're okay, Dan. Just tie your shoes.

271. Did you see her hit me? I did. I did.

272. I did not take her belt. I know I didn't take her belt.

273. It's all gonna be okay. You have health insurance?

274. Yeah.

275. I got your messages.

276. You okay?

277. You wanna talk about it?

278. Bro, where the fuck is my bed?

279. Oh, Kareem took the couch for a block party.

280. You just gave my bed away?

281. I didn't give it— my mom made me.

282. I'll pick it up soon.

283. Yo, chill, chill stop.

284. Yo, can you just call the cops?

285. Stop drinking.

286. I'm not gon' call the cops, man.

287. I'm not a snitch.

288. You do it.

289. Do you want me to? I'll call them?

290. No don't.

291. No, they'll probably come kill everybody.

292. Yeah.

293. How about your sister, have you called her?

294. Yeah, Georgia's stupid ass won't answer the phone

295. and she been tweetin' all day, like...

296. It's whatever. I got 200 already,

297. and I got somebody coming over,

298. so I know I'm gonna be straight.

299. - There they go.

300. - Right on time. - Who is that?

301. What's up, man? Roosevelt, right?

302. Yeah, I was headed to Blick's to get a new set

303. - when I saw your post. Word.

304. So look, I was thinking of 200 for the new,

305. 120 for the used.

306. What you think?

307. You selling your paint?

308. Oh, shit.

309. Yeah, it's definitely Michael Harding.

310. Let's say 600 for the five, final offer.

311. Don't—don't sell it. - All right.

312. Whoa.

313. Is this painting for sale? I'll give you $1,000 right now.

314. Really?

315. The colors, the depth,

316. groundbreaking.

317. This is a Betty Blayton, right?

318. No, actually, I made it.

319. That was—it was my first time painting on canvas.

320. Oh.

321. Ha.

322. Yeah, I'll just take the paint.

323. - You don't want the painting? - No.

324. Good to meet you.

325. See, that's the thing about this art shit,

326. it just don't never feel like it's actually about the art,

327. and nobody care about you until everybody else do,

328. and then don't nobody care until you're either famous

329. or you're dead.

330. I don't wanna have to die to get on.

331. I feel like my shit is good now.

332. Yeah, it is.

333. You shouldn't have sold your paint.

334. Did you not just hear what I said?

335. This nigga's not fucking around.

336. I need money now. What else I'ma do?

337. I know I've said this, but a therapist would help.

338. Therapist? I'm 'bout to die.

339. You telling me I need to go see a therapist.

340. I'm not telling you to go right now.

341. - But you have depression. - Now I'm depressed.

342. Why you think everybody depressed?

343. Just 'cause you depressed don't the world depressed.

344. - It's just you. - It's not just me.

345. There's other guys in waiting room.

346. Do you really think you're not depressed?

347. Dude, you're drunk at three o'clock.

348. You eat once a day. You play chess with yourself.

349. What's wrong with playing chess?

350. It's a two-person game.

351. I'm—I'm just trying to help you, man.

352. Yeah, but every time you try to help,

353. - you too scared to help so— - What does that mean?

354. What does that mean I get too scared to help?

355. Is that them calling?

356. Yeah, and they won't leave me alone.

357. I don't know if New York is for me.

358. That's why I'm pushing therapy.

359. I mean, you can't just keep moving away from your problems.

360. Polanski did.

361. Is this water?

362. Yeah, I wanted to be dramatic.

363. Maybe Kareem can help.

364. Can you just help us, Kareem, please.

365. Kareem? Why you keep calling me Kareem?

366. When you gonna start calling me daddy.

367. Call me daddy first?

368. I'm not calling you dad, man. I'm not calling you dad.

369. How long I gotta be married to your mother

370. before you respect our union?

371. I'm not calling you dad, man.

372. I'm your daddy, man.

373. Call me daddy, and I can find it in my heart to help you.

374. Okay, can you please help— help us, Dad?

375. Huh?

376. - Dad! - Oh, oh!

377. All of a sudden you need my help.

378. I'm your daddy now.

379. God damn millennials.

380. All right, I'ma help you.

381. Your daddy gonna help you.

382. Just don't call me big daddy,

383. 'cause that's what your momma call me.

384. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

385. This why I didn't want to do the dad shit, Jesus.

386. Can you just help? Can you help?

387. Where you know this boy from?

388. I mean, I ain't seen him around.

389. Y'all, dating?

390. Who, Kev? No.

391. No, we were best friends in middle school,

392. and then they moved.

393. He just moved back from New Orleans,

394. but no, we've just stayed close.

395. Can you help now?

396. All right, man, what's the man's name?

397. Drew. He stays around Dorchester.

398. Drew? Man, I know Drew.

399. That nigga from Park Slopes.

400. Yeah, you scared of a Park Slopes nigga?

401. Man.

402. He said he was gonna kill him.

403. Kill—

404. That boy wouldn't kill time.

405. You know what?

406. I'm gonna take care of this shit for you right now.

407. Hold this.

408. tense music

409. Yo, Kev.

410. He knows Drew. He's calling him.

411. - It's okay. - Thank God, man.

412. You got the coolest stepfather ever.

413. - Thank you, thank you. - He's got it figured out.

414. - All right. - It's all good.

415. - All right, cool. - Yeah.

416. You good.

417. Thank you, Kareem.

418. Appreciate you, man. That's love.

419. - Really, thank you. Come on, man.

420. I got you...

421. an hour.

422. What?

423. I got you an extra hour, until 10:50.

424. You are crazy, bro. Drew gon' kill me.

425. What the fuck I'ma do with an hour?

426. Why are you asking me for?

427. All I know is you're wasting time.

428. I don't know, take a stroll on the beach.

429. I don't know, start a GoFundMe.

430. I don't know, start a paper route for an hour.

431. I don't know, motherfuckin' join ISIS.

432. I don't know, dig your grave.

433. I don't know, pay a nigga back.

434. I don't what you gon' do with your damn hour.

435. All I know is gon' be dead. That's right.

436. Motherfucker, take your couch back.

437. You said you were gonna help, dude.

438. I am helping.

439. Matter of fact, you can help me.

440. Tell your mama I'll be home at 11.

441. You understand? Same time he'll be dead.

442. Ain't no need for your ass to be out,

443. 'cause his ass gon' be dead.

444. That's right, you know.

445. And feed your god damn fish. Feed the fish, shit.

446. I'm just playing with you.

447. I'm just playing, man. You know the kids love you.

448. My boy really loves you.

449. I'm sorry. I'm not calling him dad again.

450. It's was one-time thing.

451. Just gotta take my couch.

452. - You really wanna move it? - This'll just take a minute.

453. You're not gonna move?

454. No, don't take that. Leve it.

455. Okay, should be quick.

456. You don't have to go over there, you know?

457. What else I'ma do? I can't run.

458. They got my ID. They know where I work.

459. They always in there.

460. I don't got no other option.

461. So why don't we just call the cops?

462. All right, stop with this call the police stuff, man.

463. Like, you're the one that say we should abolish the police.

464. Yeah, we should after they do this one last thing.

465. How much do you have?

466. - The same 800.

467. It's them calling now. I should probably go.

468. What are you so worried about getting there on time for?

469. They're not gonna spare your life because you're punctual.

470. 'Cause I can't avoid them.

471. If I don't deal with them today, I'll see 'em tomorrow.

472. So just don't go until you have the money.

473. Yo, stop trying to tell me what to do.

474. - You're not from here. - You're not from here either.

475. No, you're not from here.

476. You grew up Upper West Side, stable.

477. I grew up in a lot of different places, not Manhattan.

478. You got your mom out here.

479. Like, I don't have those same luxuries, bro.

480. Luxuries, don't fucking talk down to me, man.

481. I'm in the same stop as you. We're in the same—

482. I'm on your fucking couch. What are you talking about—

483. It's just for now.

484. What do you mean it's just for now?

485. Stop trying to make everything sound so god damn easy, bro.

486. No matter what I do, I'm done.

487. My job can't help. Kareem can't do shit.

488. My sister won't even answer the fucking phone.

489. Like...

490. shit is crazy.

491. Niggas really don't give a fuck about me, man.

492. Why do you say nobody gives a fuck about you?

493. I'm right here.

494. I skipped practice today to help you, I'm right here.

495. Dan, you pump balls.

496. I almost got arrested bringing you lunch today.

497. You talking 'bout, "I skipped practice to help you."

498. Like, you talking about practice?

499. I did what you asked.

500. Bro, you do what everybody asks.

501. You took these fucking fish 'cause Kareem asked you to.

502. You don't really care about helping, bro.

503. You just do shit so people not mad at you.

504. So what do you want me to do?

505. Nothing, I'ma go by myself.

506. Jesus, fuck, man.

507. Just cut the fucking pride for one minute and just listen.

508. I'm being prideful?

509. When's the last time you called your dad, like sixth grade?

510. Yeah, okay, and your sister won't pick up the phone

511. 'cause she gave up on you.

512. - All right, you got it. - Why is Georgia so well.

513. She's not better. She's not smarter.

514. She just goes for what she wants.

515. She's not so fucking scared.

516. - Kev?

517. - Hey. I kept calling.

518. I'm with Dami at the E.R.

519. Can you come to the hospital now, like right now?

520. Her parents are still at work, and I just have to leave.

521. I don't I can, Jess. Is Dami okay?

522. Yeah, she's okay. No doctor has seen her yet.

523. Also, Dami admitted

524. she stole the belt from Zayna, not the other way around.

525. It's a Gucci belt.

526. She shouldn't even be able to afford that shit.

527. Dami, come on.

528. That shit like $2,000.

529. That doesn't mean you steal it and fight someone.

530. Why not? - How much is it?

531. It's like $2,000 plus tax.

532. Uh, yeah, I can't— I can't come there, Jess.

533. I'm sorry, I have to— I can't.

534. Um...

535. Feel—feel better, Dami.

536. I tried slinging meth and Mary.

537. She won't sing her part.

538. Sing Blackstreet, "Don't Leave Me."

539. Lisa!

540. - Yo. - Yo, what the fuck?

541. Also, I got you these rare fish, bro.

542. They're from the Hudson.

543. You can't even really get these in no stories like that.

544. Look, bro, I just need

545. a couple of more months or years or something.

546. I could get you the rest of that, I promise.

547. I just trading forex, man.

548. It's just a lot of things going on in my life right now.

549. I'ma get a second job, we have to pay rent this month,

550. my mom got cancer.

551. It's a lot of things going on in my life that—

552. Bro.

553. Peeped your IG. You paint?

554. Um, I'm trying.

555. Yo, where did he go?

556. I fuck with one of them.

557. That shit had a lot of blue in it.

558. Would you wanna buy it?

559. Nah. I only fuck with abstract.

560. You think you can help me, man, please?

561. Probably shoulda' called 12 dummy.

562. What are you doin', man? Help!

563. Yeah, after this game.

564. - What the fuck?

565. Yo, keep that bag on your fuckin' head.

566. - Fuck me.

567. - What? - Hey, this belt is worth a lot.

568. I would love to trade it for my friend,

569. right here with the bag.

570. - Sorry— - Get the fuck in here.

571. Yo, what the fuck? Put this shit down, man.

572. What'd I tell you?

573. I don't give a fuck about no belt.

574. Why you open the fucking door?

575. They knocked twice.

576. Listen, okay, I got this belt.

577. I'm gonna tell you, it's worth a lot.

578. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

579. Zay, get outa the bathroom.

580. Oh my god, what?

581. Get in your room. Don't "what" me.

582. What he doing here?

583. What, you know him?

584. Yeah, that's my teacher.

585. - That's your teacher? - Mm-hmm.

586. You know her? Mm-hmm.

587. Man...

588. Yo, you gon make sure

589. she does good in school, right?

590. Yeah. Yeah, I—

591. I don't need to do her any favors.

592. The kids took a test today, almost everybody failed.

593. Zayna got the highest score.

594. - Really? - She's smart.

595. Yo, you got the highest score?

596. Why you ain't tell me?

597. I just graded it a second ago in my head.

598. Hey, yo, that's my belt!

599. Uh, I—

600. Yeah.

601. Yes, she-she lost your belt,

602. and that's why I am here to return your belt.

603. - No, that shit was stolen. - I understand that.

604. Yes, it was stolen. I know, I remember.

605. There was a whole thing earlier today,

606. and—and I got it back,

607. and it couldn't wait till morning,

608. so here I am bringing her belt.

609. Yo, she was upset all day,

610. and I ain't know why.

611. Appreciate you bringing that shit.

612. Of course. Hey, yo, Blue.

613. I got my Gucci belt back, look.

614. Yo, she don't even know it's fake.

615. Thank you. Thank you.

616. Thank you.

617. Now where the fuck do you think you going?

618. Bro, you just said we could go.

619. No, he can go. I'ma fuck you up.

620. But I'm Zayna's teacher.

621. What that got do with him? Motherfucker!

622. - Motherfucker!

623. - Motherfucker!

624. Yo, wait, yo, Kevin helped me find the belt.

625. Man, you messed up my boomerang.

626. Wait, wait, wait, Kevin helped me find the belt for Zayna.

627. That's why he couldn't get your money.

628. That's what we were doing all day.

629. Oh, man.

630. I still need two racks from you.

631. I got you.

632. And you gon' make sure she does good in school, right?

633. Yeah, she just got an "A" on tomorrow's test also.

634. - Yo! - Aye! Boop!

635. Yeah, of course.

636. Yo, ain't it corn soup Sunday this weekend too?

637. - Yeah. - We getting it free now, right?

638. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

639. I'll see you— I'll see you this weekend.

640. Yeah. - Make sure you tag me.

641. Nice to meet you. Yeah, yeah, I got you.

642. I got this weekend. I'll see you.

643. - You all right? - Yeah.

644. - Yeah, thanks for— - No, you're—

645. - It's cool. - Yeah.

646. Niggas be lying, bitches be lying—

647. Why didn't just sell your phone?

648. I didn't even think about that.

649. L-Y-I-N-N

650. Phony Ppl's "One Man Band" playing

651. Hey there what's your name

652. We seem to be going the same way

653. So do you wanna join my one man band

654. Do you wanna join me

655. 'Cause don't nobody seem to understand

656. And they all kinda noisy

657. Tell me where you've been

658. Since the time I realized