1. Come on.
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2. Is it so difficult for you to start?
It's so basic.
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3. If you don't go,
there's little point in having you.
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4. Just pull yourself together, all right?
Make an effort.
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5. - Come on. Now, look.
- Mr Fawlty.
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6. Mr Fawlty, Mr Fawlty.
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7. - Telephone.
- What?
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8. Telephone. Telephone.
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9. Where's Sybil?
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10. Qué?
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11. Where's Sybil?
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12. Where's the bill?
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13. No, no, no. Not the bill,
I own the place, I don't pay bills.
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14. Where's my wife?
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15. - She not here.
- She is there!
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16. Er...
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17. Oh, never mind. Never mind.
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18. Right, leave it to me, I'll do it.
I'll mend the car, I'll answer the telephone.
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19. Then you can chain me up,
and I'll wash the windows.
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20. - In here, in here.
- Yes, I know!
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21. - This way.
- Yes, yes!
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22. I know it's this way. I own the place.
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23. Hello, Fawlty Towers.
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24. Oh, André! Thank you for calling.
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25. Kurt's marvellous.
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26. We're absolutely delighted with him.
Really, André, he's wonderful!
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27. This, Basil's wife. This, Basil.
This, smack on head.
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28. - Just one moment, André. Basil?
- Yes, dear?
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29. - Have you taken the car in yet?
- Yes, I'm dealing with it, dear.
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30. You're not trying to do it yourself?
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31. Oh, have you seen this mark, dear?
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32. - Did you hear what I said?
- Yes, I did. Bit of a scratch.
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33. Take it into the garage.
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34. Yes, just having a look at it, dear.
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35. Sorry, André. Where was I?
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36. Yes, he's the best chef we've ever had.
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37. We can't thank you enough
for finding him for us.
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38. Look, can you come have dinner on Sunday?
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39. There's something we want
to ask your advice about.
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40. Okay, lovely. See you then, then.
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41. - Hello, Polly.
- Can you come and have a drink, Mrs Fawlty?
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42. - I've just sold a sketch.
- Really? I'd love to.
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43. - Hello.
- Hello.
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44. Kurt, André can come on Sunday.
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45. - I thought you were taking the car in?
- Hmm?
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46. - Are you at those again?
- I just took one, dear.
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47. You've had enough of those, Basil.
Will you deal with the car, please?
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48. - Good, Mr Fawlty?
- Superb, Kurt.
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49. - For you, Mr Fawlty?
- Thank you, Polly.
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50. - Are you going to do the car?
- In a moment, my little piranha fish.
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51. - What's this for?
- I've just sold a sketch.
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52. What, for money?
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53. I bought it, Mr Fawlty.
She's very talented.
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54. - Oh, no, Polly. I won't.
- Oh, come on.
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55. No, thank you.
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56. - I bought it to thank you.
- No, honestly.
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57. - Don't you like it?
- Too much, but not when I'm working.
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58. You drink it for me, Manuel.
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59. Well, cheerio!
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60. - Cheerio, Basil.
- Well, that smelt nice.
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61. Here it is, Mr Fawlty.
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62. She's really got something, you know.
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63. - Really?
- Well worth 50p, anyway.
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64. Yes, do you win a bun
if you guess what it is, or something?
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65. - It's Manuel.
- What?
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66. - It's me.
- Where?
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67. Manuel is my friend.
We're good friends, eh?
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68. Oh, sí.
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69. Yes. Very modern, very socialist.
Something to remember him by when he goes.
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70. You still here, Basil?
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71. No, I went a couple of minutes ago, dear.
But I expect I'll be back shortly.
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72. - Oh.
- No, no, Manuel! Look!
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73. Like this.
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74. Oh, I like that. Will you do me one?
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75. Really? Of Manuel?
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76. Yes. Look nice on Basil's bedside table.
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77. Two in a day.
That's as many as Van Gogh sold in a lifetime.
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78. But he didn't have Manuel as a model, eh?
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79. This is wonderful.
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80. I told you, he's one of the best.
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81. He's almost as good as you, André.
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82. It's absolutely divine, Basil.
Go on, have a bit.
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83. - 'Tis good, isn't it?
- Oh, listen to him.
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84. The only place I've ever seen him eat
is your restaurant, André.
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85. Now he's stuffing it away like a hamster.
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86. - Really, Sybil.
- We're going to buy him a great big wheel
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87. to run around in when he's got a moment,
or he'll get like a big, bad-tempered tomato.
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88. I believe we were discussing
the gourmet evening, dear.
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89. Do you know, André,
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90. - burst his zip this morning.
- Oh!
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91. - What's the matter, darling?
- You're embarrassing André!
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92. No, I'm embarrassing you. Look at that!
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93. I'd better have a word with the guests.
Why don't you have another vat of wine, dear?
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94. Good evening, Major. Enjoying your soup?
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95. Tasted a bit off to me, Fawlty.
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96. It's made with fresh mushrooms, Major.
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97. Ah! That would explain it.
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98. Good evening.
Everything to your satisfaction?
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99. - Yes, thank...
- Well, er...
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100. - I don't like the chips.
- Sorry?
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101. The chips are awful.
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102. Oh, dear. What's wrong with them, then?
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103. They're the wrong shape,
and they're just awful.
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104. He gets everything cooked
the way he likes it at home.
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105. Ah, does he?
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106. Yes, and it's better
than this pig's garbage.
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107. Now, Ronald!
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108. These eggs look like you laid them.
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109. Ronald!
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110. - Look here, old chap...
- Shut up! Leave him alone!
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111. He's very clever, rather highly strung.
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112. Yes, yes, he should be.
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113. - Haven't you any proper chips?
- These are proper French fried potatoes.
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114. The chef is Continental.
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115. Couldn't you get an English one?
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116. - Why don't you eat one or two, dear?
- They're the wrong shape.
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117. What shape do you usually have?
Mickey Mouse shape? Smarties shape?
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118. Amphibious landing craft shape?
Poke in the eye shape?
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119. - God, you're dumb.
- Oh, now!
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120. Is there something
we can get you instead, sonny?
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121. I'd like some bread and salad cream.
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122. To eat? Well, there's the bread,
and there's the mayonnaise.
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123. I said "salad cream", stupid.
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124. We don't have any salad cream.
The chef made this freshly this morning.
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125. What a dump.
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126. - This is very good.
- He likes salad cream.
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127. - That's puke, that is.
- At least it's fresh puke.
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128. - How dare you!
- Well, he said it.
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129. May I ask why you don't have proper
salad cream? Most restaurants...
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130. Well, the chef usually buys it
only on special occasions, you know.
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131. Gourmet nights, and so on.
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132. But when he's got a bottle, ah,
he's a genius with it.
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133. He can unscrew the cap like Robert Carrier.
It's a treat to watch.
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134. And then right on the plate!
Never on the walls! Magic!
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135. Mind you, he's a wizard with the tin opener, too.
He's got a Pulitzer Prize for that.
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136. He can have the stuff in the saucepan
before you can say "haute cuisine".
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137. You name it, he'll heat it up
and scrape it off the pan for you.
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138. Skill like that isn't picked up overnight.
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139. Still, I'll tell him to
get some salad cream.
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140. You never know when Henry Kissinger
is going to drop in, do you?
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141. Oh, sorry!
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142. Nice man.
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143. No, no, seriously.
I think it's a very good idea.
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144. - You do, really?
- I promise you.
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145. People around here are getting
more and more keen on good food.
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146. Well, so much for tonight's guests.
Ignorant rabble.
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147. - There's always a few, Mr Fawlty.
- Not on gourmet night, there won't be.
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148. - None of these proles.
- Basil!
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149. Well!
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150. - André thinks Thursday nights would be best.
- Thursdays?
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151. I think so.
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152. And on all the other nights
we'll just have a big trough of baked beans
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153. and garnish it with a couple of dead dogs.
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154. - That's settled then.
- Good.
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155. I'm very pleased for Kurt, too.
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156. It'll be good for him to have
something special to do.
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157. - I'd like to have a word with him, do you mind?
- Of course not.
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158. I'll get the menus printed on Monday.
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159. - Polly can do the menus.
- No, she can't.
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160. - Yes, she can.
- No, she can't.
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161. - Yes, she can.
- No, she can't.
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162. Yes, she can.
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163. - No...
- She can.
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164. You can write the advertisement
in the Echo.
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165. Only, don't make it too toffee nosed, Basil.
We don't want to put people off.
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166. I just want to keep the
riffraff away, dear.
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167. Well, good luck, my friend.
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168. It's good to have you down here.
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169. - Thank you for, well, you know.
- Don't mention it.
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170. Nice to have met you, Manuel.
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171. He's my friend.
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172. One night I cook you both paella.
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173. Okay. And, Kurt, mmm...
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174. You don't trust me?
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175. - Ciao.
- Ciao!
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176. Manuel, together you and I make
Fawlty Towers famous for its cooking.
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177. - Qué?
- Excellent, tip-top, famoso!
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178. Oh, you're are so cute.
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179. Manuel.
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180. Oh!
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181. Get a clean one.
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182. Is clean now.
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183. Is dirty now.
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184. - Do you like the menu, Mr Fawlty?
- No, I don't.
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185. - Oh, good.
- What?
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186. Thank you. Thank you so much.
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187. Give it to me. Give it to me.
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188. Thank you.
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189. Well, Basil, guess who just called
to cancel at 12 minutes past seven.
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190. - Who?
- The Coosters.
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191. - What, all four?
- Marvellous, isn't it?
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192. Ach! What did they say?
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193. One of them's ill.
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194. Well, let's hope it's nothing trivial.
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195. Do you realise there are four people
at our grand opening dinner?
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196. - Never mind.
- Never mind?
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197. There's four people, Basil.
Shall we feed them in the kitchen?
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198. But think who those four are.
Colonel and Mrs Hall, both JPs,
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199. and Lionel Twitchen,
one of Torquay's leading Rotarians.
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200. - That'll put us on the map.
- He's this year's treasurer, dear.
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201. I should have never let you write that advert.
Fancy putting, "No riffraff".
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202. When you're presenting haute cuisine,
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203. you don't want the working class
sticking its nose in it.
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204. Everything all right? Where's Kurt?
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205. He and Manuel are getting the wine
from the cellar.
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206. Ah, this is what it's all about.
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207. You two, you're supposed to be in your rooms!
You're not allowed down here tonight.
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208. - Remember?
- Ooh, doesn't it look pretty?
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209. What are you cooking?
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210. I'll send you up a menu
with your bread and cheese. Now get out!
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211. - Basil, they're here.
- What?
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212. The Halls are here.
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213. - Go to your rooms!
- The Halls!
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214. Mr Fawlty! Mr Fawlty!
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215. I very upset!
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216. Not now, Manuel. Later!
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217. Well, when I went for my jog this morning,
I thought it was going to be pretty warm.
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218. But in the event, of course,
it turned out to be pretty cool, really.
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219. Er, then it began to cloud up this afternoon,
quite contrary to the weather forecast, naturally.
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220. And I shouldn't be a bit surprised
if we get a spot of rain tonight.
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221. Still, it's been a lovely
summer, hasn't it?
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222. - Oh, yes.
- Ah, Colonel! How delightful to see you again.
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223. - Sorry?
- How delightful to see you again.
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224. We met last year at the golf club
dinner dance, you may remember.
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225. No, I don't.
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226. Ah, fine, we didn't talk for long.
Just, "Good evening," really, you know.
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227. A blink of the eye and you would've missed it.
As indeed you did.
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228. Quite understandably.
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229. Sorry? What? Hmm?
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230. Well, er, how's that
lovely daughter of yours?
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231. She's dead.
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232. I like your suit, isn't that super,
the way those stripes go up and down?
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233. It's really super!
How much did that cost, then?
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234. Who are you?
I mean, I don't know your name!
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235. - What is it?
- What?
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236. My name.
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237. Oh, this is my husband, Basil Fawlty.
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238. - That's it!
- What?
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239. - Ah! How do you do?
- How do you do?
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240. - And may I introduce my wife?
- She just introduced you.
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241. - Oh, what a coincidence.
- Yes.
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242. Well, I don't believe you know my wife.
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243. - Dead?
- Yes.
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244. May I introduce Mrs Hall?
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245. Oh, sorry! Didn't see you down there.
Don't get up.
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246. What would you like to
drink, Mrs Small... Hall!
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247. Yes, a short, or...
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248. Sherry! How about a sherry?
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249. - A sherry, lovely.
- Oh, good.
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250. Large, or not quite so large?
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251. Two, small and dry.
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252. - Oh, I wouldn't say that.
- What?
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253. - I don't know.
- Two small, dry sherries.
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254. Oh, I see what you mean. I'm sorry!
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255. Ah, Mr and Mrs Twitchen, good evening.
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256. - Welcome to Fawlty Towers.
- Good evening.
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257. How very au fait of you to come
to our little culinary soiree this evening.
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258. Only too glad to support something new
in Torquay.
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259. Such an unusual idea.
I do hope it works out.
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260. - Well, we have our hopes.
- Mr Fawlty?
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261. Ah, Polly!
Would you take Mrs Twitchen's coat, please?
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262. - Yes, of course.
- Thank you so much.
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263. - Now, would you care to...
- Mr Fawlty?
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264. - Yes?
- Can I have a word with you?
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265. Uh, yes. Oh, this is Polly.
She will be serving you later this evening.
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266. - Er...
- Well?
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267. - It's Kurt.
- Yes?
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268. He's potted...
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269. - the shrimps.
- What?
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270. - He's potted the shrimps.
- "Shrimps"?
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271. We're not having shrimps tonight, Polly.
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272. - Now...
- He's sauced...
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273. - the herrings.
- What are you on about?
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274. He's pickled the onions,
and he's smashed the eggs in his cups!
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275. - Under the table.
- Excuse me.
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276. - Have you been drinking?
- No, not me!
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277. Will you behave yourself!
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278. I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting.
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279. Er, would you care for a...
Will you stop that? Please pull yourself together.
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280. Now may I offer you a
little apéritif before...
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281. Sorry, a bit of cotton.
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282. May I offer you a little apéritif while you
make up your mind what you'd like for dinner?
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283. - That's very kind of you. Lotte?
- A tomato juice, please.
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284. - Mr Twitchen?
- Tomato juice for me, thank you.
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285. Ah, good! Oh, Colonel.
Colonel and Mrs Hall.
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286. May I introduce Mr and Mrs...
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287. - Have you met?
- No, no, we haven't.
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288. - Have you?
- No.
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289. - Oh, good. What would you like to drink then?
- What?
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290. To drink.
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291. - I didn't catch the name.
- Oh, you didn't catch it.
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292. - What a rotten bit of luck.
- Well?
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293. Fine, thank you. And you?
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294. No, no, we still don't know the name.
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295. Oh, Fawlty, Basil Fawlty.
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296. No, no, theirs!
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297. Oh, theirs! So sorry!
I thought you meant yours!
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298. My, it's quite warm, isn't it?
I could do with a drink, too.
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299. - So, another sherry?
- Aren't you going to introduce us?
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300. - Didn't I?
- No!
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301. Oh, sorry. This is Mr and Mrs...
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302. - What?
- Er, Mr and Mrs...
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303. Sorry, I fainted.
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304. Well, I feel better now.
I'll just get you your tomato juices.
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305. - Twitchen, actually.
- Hall.
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306. - Would you care to join us?
- Thank you so much.
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307. Here we are.
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308. - That's it.
- Would you like to see the menu?
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309. - Yes, what is it?
- Please, put the bottle down.
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310. - What do you want?
- Please, put the bottle down!
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311. What is it?
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312. Kurt is drunk.
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313. Sorry! Sorry.
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314. - Drunk?
- Almost unconscious.
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315. Right.
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316. Sorry! Sorry!
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317. - How?
- I don't know. It happened so quickly.
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318. - He had a row with Manuel.
- Manuel?
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319. - He's got a crush on him.
- A what?
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320. A crush. You know, in love.
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321. Sorry. Er,
would you excuse me just one moment?
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322. I won't be one moment.
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323. I knew it! I should have
never hired a Frenchman.
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324. - He's Greek, Mr Fawlty.
- Greek?
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325. Well, that's even worse.
I mean, they invented it.
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326. Right! Give that to me, Kurt.
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327. - Give me that bottle.
- No, go away! Leave me alone.
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328. - Come on. Give it to me.
- Manuel!
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329. - Come on, Kurt.
- Manuel! He doesn't love me!
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330. - Well, you have to give these things time.
- I want Manuel!
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331. I'm sure we can arrange something.
Now can I have the bottle?
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332. - He's so sweet.
- Yes, he is sweet.
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333. - He's wonderful!
- Yes! I know!
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334. Damn you!
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335. Kurt? Come on. Come on!
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336. - Get some black coffee, quick!
- He can't drink it. He's out.
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337. No, he isn't. He's only drunk half a bottle!
Come on.
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338. Come on, Kurt! Come on!
Come on, Kurt! Come on.
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339. Now listen to me, Kurty!
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340. I come in now, but no cuddle.
You hear me? Ah!
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341. Look at what you've done.
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342. - Dead?
- To the world.
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343. - He's only drunk, Manuel.
- This is your fault!
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344. - Qué?
- You only had to be civil to him.
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345. - "Civil"?
- Nice!
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346. You no understand. Is not enough.
He want to kiss me.
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347. - Oh, what's one little...
- Mr Fawlty!
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348. Call André. He can do the cooking.
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349. He's open tonight!
He's open on a Thursday, you cloth-eared bint!
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350. But he can do it there.
You can pick it up in the car.
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351. Oh...
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352. Brilliant! Brilliant!
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353. - Yuck.
- Right!
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354. - I can't resist lobster.
- No.
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355. - Tournedos for me every time.
- Would you care for another drink?
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356. No, I don't think we will.
We're nearly ready to order.
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357. I'll be back in a moment.
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358. So, you can't do the lobster?
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359. Right, right, I see, but,
André, the tournedos.
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360. Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
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361. - Basil!
- Shh! Shh!
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362. Yes, of course I want the duck, that's marvellous,
but can you do one or two sauces?
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363. Wonderful! That's it! Thank you, André!
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364. - Why are you talking to André?
- What is it? What is it?
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365. - They're ready to order, Basil.
- Stall them.
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366. - What?
- Stall them, you stupid woman!
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367. - Tell them some lie.
- What's happening?
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368. - Shh!
- Will you just tell me what you're doing?
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369. - We've got to change the menu.
- Why?
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370. Why? Why?
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371. Listen, he's out there! He's flat out!
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372. - So, André's...
- Who is?
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373. - What?
- Who is "out"?
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374. Kurt! Who did you think, Henry Kissinger?
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375. - What do you mean out?
- He's drunk!
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376. - "Drunk"?
- Drunk! Soused, potted, inebriated, got it?
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377. - I don't believe it.
- Neither do I.
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378. Perhaps it's a dream.
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379. No, it's not a dream.
We're stuck with it. Right!
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380. André's doing the cooking,
I'll collect it in the car.
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381. - What's he cooking?
- Duck!
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382. - Duck?
- Duck!
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383. - Duck?
- You know, duck.
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384. I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting.
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385. Well, we'd like to order now.
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386. Uh, yes, quite.
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387. - My wife would like the lobster as her main...
- Yes, excuse me.
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388. There is one small thing.
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389. I'm afraid you were given the wrong menus.
Er, this is tonight's menu.
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390. - What?
- Er, yes...
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391. I'm afraid the chef changed his mind
and forgot to tell us. He's like that.
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392. Brilliant, but temperamental.
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393. - He's changed everything?
- I'm afraid so.
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394. It wasn't good enough,
so he just chucked it away.
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395. - He's such a perfectionist.
- The lobster?
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396. Lobster, tournedos,
you name it, it's in the bin.
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397. - How extraordinary.
- Lucky old bin, I say.
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398. - This is your new menu.
- Duck with orange.
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399. Duck with cherries.
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400. Duck surprise?
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401. - What's duck surprise?
- Uh, that's duck without orange or cherries.
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402. Is this all there is? Duck?
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403. Um, yes. Done, of course,
the three extremely different ways.
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404. And what do you do if you don't like duck?
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405. If you don't like duck,
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406. er, you're rather stuck.
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407. Well, fortunately, I love it!
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408. Oh, good, so that's four ducks, is it?
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409. You were right.
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410. Ooh.
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411. Now, he's getting this duck from André.
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412. Yes, but I don't know what
vegetables he's put on.
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413. Three salmon mousses, Polly,
and one mullet with mustard sauce for Mrs Hall.
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414. - Where's the mullet?
- There!
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415. Oh, right.
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416. - What are you doing about vegetables, Basil?
- Same as the other menu, dear.
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417. - André's not doing any?
- No, no! You and Polly!
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418. - Er, mustard sauce!
- Mustard sauce, here.
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419. When I'm out in the car,
you get them ready, right?
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420. Right.
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421. - Ready, Polly?
- Ready.
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422. - Manuel?
- Sí?
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423. Two of those for table nine, and one of those,
and that's for table four. Come on!
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424. - There you are. There you go.
- No, the other way around.
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425. - Qué?
- The other way around.
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426. Oh. Please!
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427. No, no, no! The plates!
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428. Change the plates.
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429. - Oh, is dirty. I change.
- No, come here!
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430. - Change the plates.
- Change the plates.
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431. Pardon.
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432. Sí, I tell them.
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433. Sorry. Sorry. Is wrong.
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434. I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona.
Do forgive me.
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435. I don't know what he sees in you!
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436. Do you think we could have a drink, dear?
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437. - May I see the wine list, please, Fawlty?
- Certainly, Major.
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438. Colonel!
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439. Everything all right?
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440. - Yes, I expect so.
- Oh, good. Mrs Twitchen?
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441. - Yes, it's fine, Mr Fawlty.
- Good. Good.
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442. He's got it in his hair.
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443. - How is it, dear?
- Rather good, surprisingly.
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444. - Well, there's the wine list.
- Thank you very much.
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445. What is it, Petal? What's the matter?
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446. Is everything all right?
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447. - Oh, I think I'm going to be sick!
- It is an unusual taste, isn't it?
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448. It's not cooked, you ignoramus!
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449. What are you trying to do to us, Fawlty?
Do you mean that's raw?
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450. - Oh, would you prefer a cooked one?
- Of course she'd prefer a cooked one!
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451. - I'll get you a cooked one then. It'll be even nicer!
- No! No!
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452. This is raw! This mullet is raw!
What do we do to it?
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453. Kurt! Kurt! Kurt, listen.
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454. What do we do with this, hmm?
Do we grill it?
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455. If we grill it, just go, "uh".
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456. All right, do we fry it? Just go, "uh".
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457. - Going well, isn't it?
- Basil, will you just get out?
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458. Right!
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459. - Wine!
- What?
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460. The colonel wants some wine.
No, you go, Polly. He won't hit a woman.
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461. Have you, er... Have you chosen yet, Major?
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462. Colonel! Have you chosen your wine?
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463. Oh, yes. Chablis, please.
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464. Thank you.
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465. - Waitress?
- Yes.
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466. There's a hair in my mousse.
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467. Well, don't talk too loud.
Everybody will want one.
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468. What?
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469. Sorry.
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470. Oh, get out of the way. Get out.
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471. I'm so sorry about that.
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472. The mullet's on its way.
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473. - André.
- Ah, monsieur Fawlty. There you are.
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474. A beautiful duck for you.
It should be, mmm, delicious. Top!
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475. He's always asleep. There you are.
Don't forget the sauces. There.
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476. - Thank you.
- All right.
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477. - Oh, marvellous.
- I hope it all goes very well for you.
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478. Good luck.
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479. Come on!
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480. - What, no good?
- No, it's very good.
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481. Here it is, Polly.
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482. Right, I'll carve it on the trolley.
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483. Well, then, well done, everybody.
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484. Ah, Manuel, get the trolley ready.
Right, right, let's go.
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485. Basil!
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486. Look what you've done,
you stupid great tart!
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487. Wait a minute. I think it'll be all right.
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488. Yes. Yes, you're right!
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489. Look! Look at it!
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490. I mean, look at that!
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491. - Can I help, dear?
- Yes! Go and kill yourself!
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492. No, talk to André first!
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493. Tell him we need another one!
Oh, go talk to them.
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494. - What?
- Entertain them, or something.
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495. André, Sybil Fawlty.
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496. Well, I'm afraid it got trodden on.
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497. Sorry, so wrong. I try again.
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498. - André! Where is it?
- Don't worry. It's all under control.
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499. - Isn't it beautiful?
- Fantastic.
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500. - Okay.
- Wait a minute!
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501. - What?
- The most important.
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502. - More sauces.
- I don't need...
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503. Sorry, I don't need them.
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504. - That's all right.
- You're all right?
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505. Come on!
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506. Come on!
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507. Olé!
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508. Come...
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509. Start!
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510. Start, you vicious bastard! Come on!
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511. Oh, my God! I'm warning you!
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512. If you don't start...
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513. I'll count to three.
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514. One. Two. Three. Right!
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515. That's it! I've had enough!
You've tried it on just once too often! Right!
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516. Well, don't say I haven't warned you!
I've laid it on the line to you time and time again!
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517. Right! Well, this is it!
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518. I'm gonna give you a damn good thrashing!
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519. - Is wonderful!
- Very, very good.
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520. Thank you.
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521. Er, any sign of the duck?
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522. Oh, it's just coming.
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523. So, Uncle Ted comes in
with his crate of brown ale,
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524. and Mother says,
"Oh, Ted, look who's here,"
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525. and he says...
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526. - Okay, Polly!
- Okay!
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527. - Got the sauces?
- Got them.
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528. Right!
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529. Ladies and gentlemen,
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530. so sorry to have kept you waiting.
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531. Well, er, who's for trifle?
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532. - What?
- Trifle for you, Mrs Hall?
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533. What about the duck, Fawlty?
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534. Duck's off, sorry.
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