1. I know. Well, it all started
with that electrician, didn't it?
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2. Real live wire, he was.
Only one watt, but plenty of volts as they say.
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3. Well, anything in trousers, yes.
Or out of them, preferably.
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4. Yes. Hmm?
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5. No, just lighting up. Go on.
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6. I know, I heard that...
With her mother in the same room.
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7. No, no.
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8. No, no, of course I won't. Go on.
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9. - Basil?
- Yes, dear.
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10. - Oh, no. Who saw them? Basil?
- Yes, dear?
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11. Could you come and attend
to a gentlemen out here, dear?
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12. - 19?
- What do you mean, out where you are, dear?
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13. Well, the last one was only 22. He was!
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14. I'm quite busy in here, dear.
Are you very busy out there?
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15. I'm on the telephone, Basil.
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16. - My husband will be with you in a moment.
- Yes, thank you.
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17. So I'll stop working and
come out there, shall I?
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18. No, no. The Maltese one.
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19. Well, I'm glad that's settled then.
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20. No, no, dear. He was an Arab.
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21. Darling, when you're finished,
why don't you have a nice lie down?
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22. I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting, sir.
I had no idea my wife was so busy.
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23. - Fear not, kind sir, it matters not one whit.
- I beg your pardon?
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24. It matters not one whit.
Time is not pressing on me, fortunately.
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25. Now some information, please.
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26. This afternoon I have to visit the town
for sundry purposes
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27. which would be of no interest to you
I am quite sure
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28. but nevertheless I shall require your aid
in getting for me some sort of transport,
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29. some hired vehicle that is
to get me to my first port of call.
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30. - Are you all right?
- Yes, I find the air here most invigorating.
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31. I see. Did I gather from your first
announcement that you want a taxi?
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32. - In a nutshell.
- Case, more like.
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33. - At 2:00 please.
- There's the number of the local firm.
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34. Please, could you get it for me?
I never use the telephone if I can avoid it.
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35. - Why not?
- The risk of infection.
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36. So, when I've finished, right?
Now, I have a rendezvous at 5:00 at this address
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37. which I must reach
from the post office in Queen's Square.
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38. Now, as the map is sadly inadequate,
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39. I would be very grateful if you could
draw me a diagram of the optimum route.
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40. - May I ask what's wrong with the map?
- It's got curry on it.
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41. Look, it's perfectly simple.
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42. You go to the end of
Queen's Parade and bear...
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43. - Look, just listen.
- I just want a diagram, please.
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44. - It's really very simple.
- I'd rather have a diagram if it won't put you out.
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45. - Well, it does put me out.
- I'd like it all the same.
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46. - Basil!
- Right.
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47. - Here you are then.
- We do have pens.
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48. - Here you are.
- We have actually got pens in the hotel.
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49. Thank you so much. Somewhere...
I mean where are the pens?
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50. Would you believe it? I mean, there are no
pens here. This is supposed to be a hotel.
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51. - What are they doing in there?
- I put them there.
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52. - Why?
- Just sign there, Mr Walt.
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53. - Because you're always losing them, Basil.
- I am not always losing them. People take them.
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54. - Well, they don't take them from me.
- They wouldn't dare.
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55. I'm sorry I didn't guess that you'd
suddenly done that after 12 years, dear.
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56. I'm afraid my psychic powers must be a little
bit below par this morning. There we are.
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57. Don't be silly, Basil. It's written there
quite clearly on the top of the box.
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58. "Pens?" Looks more like "Ben's" to me.
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59. Well, when Ben comes
you can give it to him.
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60. Mr Walt's in room seven.
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61. What do you think?
Doesn't that look like "Ben's" to you?
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62. - Not really.
- It does to me. Look, there's a "P".
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63. I don't quite understand this.
Where is the post office?
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64. It's there, where it says "Post Office".
I'm sorry if it's confusing.
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65. Oh, yeah. "P. Off."
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66. - You've used the abbreviation.
- Ah, the penny's dropped.
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67. Yeah. Well, I thought it said "Boff".
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68. - Of course.
- And I thought that "Boff" was a locale.
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69. The name of a district, you see?
That "P" looks like a "B".
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70. - No, it doesn't.
- Yes, it does. That little loop on the bottom...
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71. Excuse me, would you say that was a "P" or
a "B"? Does it say "Boff", or does it say "Poff"?
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72. - It's a "P", isn't it?
- I suppose so.
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73. - "P. Off."
- I beg your pardon?
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74. "P. Off", not "B. Off."
Who ever heard of a "Bost Office"?
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75. - Nine?
- What?
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76. - Room nine?
- Room seven.
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77. Manuel, would you take these cases
to room seven, please?
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78. Qué?
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79. - He thinks "Boff" is a locale.
- He thinks what?
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80. You know, some zone, some province
in equatorial Torquay.
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81. Manuel will show you to your
room, if you're lucky.
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82. Excuse me. Excuse me. In how many minutes
does luncheon commence, please?
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83. 12. Here, I'll write it down for you.
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84. Don't forget the taxi, will you? 2:00.
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85. And, if anybody wants me,
I'll be in the lounge.
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86. - If anybody wants you?
- I'll be in the lounge.
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87. Anyone in particular? Henry Kissinger?
Or just anyone with a big net?
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88. I don't know what it is about this place.
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89. I mean, some of the
people we get in here...
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90. What are you on about?
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91. I wish you'd help a bit.
You're always refurbishing yourself.
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92. - What?
- Oh, never mind. Never mind.
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93. Don't shout at me.
I've had a difficult morning.
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94. Oh dear, what happened?
Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again?
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95. Not enough cream in your éclair?
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96. Or did you talk to all your friends for so long,
you didn't have time to perm your ears?
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97. Actually Basil, I've been working.
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98. You know what I mean by working, don't you?
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99. I mean getting things done
as opposed to squabbling with the guests.
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100. I would find it a little easier to cope
with some of the cretins we get in here,
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101. my little nest of vipers,
if I got a smidgen of cooperation from you.
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102. "Cooperation?" That's a laugh.
The day you cooperate you'll be in a wooden box.
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103. I never heard such rudeness.
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104. Look, if you think I'm going to fawn
to some of the yobbos we get in here...
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105. This is a hotel, Basil, not a borstal.
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106. And it might help business if you could
have a little more courtesy. Just a little.
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107. Talking to Audrey
for half an hour helps business, does it?
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108. It was about business, for your information.
Audrey has some news that may interest you.
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109. Oh, really? This will be good.
Let me guess.
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110. The mayor wears a toupee?
Somebody's got nail varnish on his cats?
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111. Am I getting warm?
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112. There are some hotel inspectors in town.
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113. What? What does she know?
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114. - That's all she knows.
- How does she know?
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115. A friend of Bill Morton's overheard
three men in a pub last night
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116. comparing notes on places
they'd just been in Exeter.
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117. Three men. I'll call Bill.
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118. You don't have to call Bill, Basil.
Just try to exercise a little courtesy.
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119. "Courtesy."
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120. - Papers arrived, Fawlty?
- Not yet... Oh, no, Major. Sorry, sorry.
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121. - Could you do that in a moment, please?
- I'm on the telephone.
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122. You haven't finished dialling
yet, have you?
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123. There's a documentary on BBC 2 this evening
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124. about Squawking Bird, the leader
of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s.
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125. This starts at 8:45 and goes on for
approximately three quarters of an hour.
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126. - I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
- Indeed, I am.
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127. Is it possible for me to reserve the BBC 2 channel
for the duration of this televisual feast?
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128. Why don't you talk properly?
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129. - I beg your pardon?
- No. It isn't.
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130. - What?
- It is not possible to reserve the BBC 2 channel
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131. from the commencement
of this televisual feast
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132. until the moment of the termination of its ending.
Thank you so much.
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133. Might I suggest then,
you introduce such a scheme?
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134. No!
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135. I would just like to tell you
that I have a wide experience of hotels,
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136. and some of those of my acquaintance have had
the foresight to introduce this facility
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137. for the benefit of their guests.
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138. I see, you have a wide
experience of hotels.
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139. In my professional activities
I'm in constant contact with them.
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140. - Are you really?
- Yes.
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141. Is it possible for me
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142. to hire a television set to view the
programme in the privacy of my own room?
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143. I beg your pardon?
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144. Have you the facility to hire a
television set to one of your guests?
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145. A good point. I'm glad you asked me that.
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146. - Not as such.
- Oh.
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147. However, we do have plans to introduce
such a scheme in the near future.
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148. That's not much use to me tonight, is it?
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149. No, but I'll tell you what, why don't I
introduce another scheme straightaway,
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150. along the lines that
you've already suggested,
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151. by which I reserve
the BBC 2 channel for you tonight?
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152. - Now, that's more like it.
- Not at all.
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153. - That's what we're here for, isn't it?
- Yes.
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154. - Is there anything else before I call your taxi?
- Well, yes, there is.
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155. Somebody in there mentioned
that you had a table tennis table.
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156. Indeed we do, yes.
It is not in absolutely mint condition,
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157. but it could certainly
be used in an emergency.
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158. It is to be found in the south wing,
over-looking the courtyard,
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159. where there is, of course, ample parking.
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160. Ah, Polly. Mr Hutchinson,
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161. may I introduce Polly Sherman,
who is with us at the moment?
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162. - How do you do?
- How do you do?
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163. - Wait a minute. We've met before, I think.
- Yes, I served you at breakfast.
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164. Oh, yes, and you spilt the grapefruit juice,
didn't you, you naughty girl?
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165. - You moved the glass, didn't you?
- Thank you, thank you, Polly, yes.
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166. Awfully nice girl. Very bright.
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167. - She's a fully qualified painter, you know.
- Oh, really?
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168. - Good morning, ladies.
- Good morning, Mr Fawlty.
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169. We do like to have girls of that calibre
to help us out. It does add a certain...
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170. - Well, would you care to partake of lunch now?
- Surely it's not yet...
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171. Goodness me, we don't worry
about things like that here.
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172. No fear. This is a hotel, not a borstal.
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173. Basil? Have you...? It's not half past yet.
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174. I was just saying to Mr Hutchinson, dear,
this is a hotel, not a borstal.
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175. - Chef won't be ready, Basil.
- Leave it to me, dear, leave it to me.
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176. - Did you ring Bill?
- No, dear, not necessary.
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177. - What?
- Explain later.
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178. But I must look after Mr Hutchinson now.
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179. A Spanish omelette.
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180. Yes, and all on the plate, please,
none on the tablecloth.
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181. Excuse me, you're not by any chance
The Duke of Kent, are you?
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182. No, no, no,
you've got the wrong person there.
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183. Ah, Mr Hutchinson,
you've ordered, have you?
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184. - Yes, I'm going to have your Spanish omelette.
- Splendid.
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185. I assume that all the vegetables
within the omelette are fresh?
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186. - Oh, yes, yes.
- Including the peas?
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187. - Yes, they're fresh all right.
- They're not frozen, are they?
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188. - Well, they're frozen, yes.
- If they're frozen, they're not fresh, are they?
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189. I assure you they were
absolutely fresh when they were frozen.
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190. Oh, dear. There's a lot of
this nowadays in hotels.
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191. A lot of what?
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192. - I'll just have a cheese salad, please.
- What?
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193. I only eat fresh vegetables, you see.
I'll just have a cheese salad.
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194. We could do the omelette without the peas.
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195. No, no, no, I always feel that the peas
are an integral part of the overall flavour.
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196. Might I suggest that in future you avail yourself
of sufficient quantities of the fresh article?
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197. Look, we've been serving... Yes, yes, good idea.
Now, something to drink?
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198. - Yes, I'll have ginger beer, please.
- A ginger beer?
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199. And a glass of fresh water.
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200. - Fresh?
- Water, yes.
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201. Mr Hutchinson?
A telephone call for you at reception.
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202. Telephone? Oh dear, oh dear.
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203. Clever, clever.
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204. - Good afternoon.
- No.
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205. Is no sun, is no good for me.
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206. - I beg your pardon?
- I homesick, yes.
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207. - Is there anywhere you'd like me to sit?
- Qué?
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208. - I'm in room seven.
- Oh, yes, please, here.
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209. You go up, up and right. Room seven.
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210. - No, no.
- Yes, please, I show you.
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211. - No, look, I want a table.
- A table?
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212. - For one.
- Table one, oh, please, yes, yes.
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213. Table one, so sorry.
Here, here, a table one.
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214. - Thank you.
- Sí.
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215. So sorry, but I think you say for room,
and I do it, for I am not one to know it easily.
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216. - I'm sorry.
- No, is my fault.
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217. Well, I'll try the pâte
and the lamb casserole.
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218. - You room ten.
- No, room seven.
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219. - Seven, sí.
- Yes.
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220. No, no, no, this table one.
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221. Is Wednesday, room seven is table five.
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222. No, please, here.
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223. Please, so sorry.
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224. Seven is what I think you say...
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225. Cómo se dice en inglés?
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226. Solamente puedo ver los números
cuando los tengo delante.
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227. - The pâte and the lamb.
- Sí. Paté, lamba, paté, lamba, paté, lamba.
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228. - Escriba, escriba.
- Sí, sí, paté, lamba, paté, lamba.
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229. One ginger beer,
and one glass of fresh water.
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230. - What are you doing there?
- Well, I...
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231. - You can't sit there, it's taken, come on.
- Look, I've been moved once already.
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232. You're in room seven, aren't you?
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233. - But the waiter said table five.
- Well, this isn't table five...
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234. Would you come over here, please?
This is table five here, come on.
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235. - Look, I did ask the waiter.
- Well, he's hopeless, isn't he?
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236. You might as well ask the cat.
Now, come on, settle down.
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237. - I beg your pardon?
- Would you sit down, please?
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238. Thank you.
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239. I hate to trespass further on your valuable time,
but might I look at the wine list?
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240. - Now?
- Yes, please.
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241. - Excuse me. Here we are. Happy now?
- Could I have an ashtray, please?
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242. Thank you, I'll have a bottle
of the Aloxe-Corton '65.
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243. - The what?
- The Aloxe-Corton '65.
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244. The Corton, of course, my pleasure.
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245. Ah, there you are, Mr Hutchinson
nice to have you back again.
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246. Not so close, please, not so close.
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247. Sorry, I hope everything
was to your satisfaction?
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248. Your ear-piece was very greasy,
I've wiped it out for you.
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249. Oh, thank you, thank you so much.
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250. Dreadfully greasy it was,
I don't know who's been using it.
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251. Covered in Brylcreem...
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252. Oh, dear, oh, that's tepid!
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253. Have you got an ice bucket, please?
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254. - An ice bucket?
- This ginger beer is distinctly warm.
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255. Polly, an ice bucket for Mr Hutchinson, please.
Thank you.
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256. There we are, Corton '65.
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257. Ah, the bit's still in there.
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258. Sorry.
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259. Sorry.
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260. Thank you so much.
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261. - May I congratulate you on your choice.
- Yes, excuse me.
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262. - Yes?
- I'm afraid this is corked.
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263. - I just uncorked it. Didn't you see me?
- What?
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264. - Look.
- No, no.
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265. You see, I took it out of the bottle.
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266. That's how I managed to get the wine
out of the bottle into your glass.
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267. I don't mean that.
I mean the wine is corked.
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268. - The wine has reacted with the cork.
- I'm sorry?
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269. The wine has reacted with
the cork and gone bad.
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270. Gone bad? May I?
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271. You don't want it?
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272. - I'd like a bottle that isn't corked.
- That's cost me, hasn't it?
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273. Never mind, I'll get you another bottle.
I do hope you're all enjoying your meals.
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274. I said, I hope you're
all enjoying your meals.
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275. Thank you, thank you, excuse me.
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276. Excuse me, table five?
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277. - Are you having the lamb or the mackerel?
- The lamb.
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278. I'll have another one
standing by just in case.
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279. Let's give this one a go then, shall we?
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280. Polly? Would you get Mr Hutchinson
his main course, please?
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281. So sorry to keep you waiting, Mr Hutchinson.
It will be with you in just one moment.
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282. Basil?
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283. Yes, dear?
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284. - How are you getting on with your hotel inspector?
- Oh, fine. Fine.
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285. He sells spoons.
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286. Sorry?
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287. I listened in on his phone call. He works for
a cutlery firm, but he specialises in spoons.
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288. - You listened in?
- Yes.
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289. You listened in on a private call
of one of our guests?
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290. That's right, Basil.
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291. - Little rat, I'll get him for that.
- Now, Basil...
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292. - He's trying it on with me.
- Trying what on?
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293. Pretending he's a hotel inspector,
"Do we hire television sets,
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294. - "fresh peas, ice buckets?"
- Basil, it was your mistake.
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295. - Now you let me handle this...
- Basil!
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296. This whole inspector business
was in your own imagination.
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297. It's nothing to do with him. There is no
excuse for rudeness. Do you understand?
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298. Do you understand?
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299. - Yes!
- Good.
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300. - Papers arrive yet, Fawlty?
- Not yet, Major.
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301. Spoons, eh?
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302. I'm sorry?
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303. Spoons.
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304. - I beg your pardon?
- I understand you're in the spoon trade.
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305. - Oh, yes.
- Fascinating.
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306. How absorbing for you. So much more
interesting than being a hotel inspector!
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307. What?
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308. - Thank you... No dear, miss? Miss?
- Yes?
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309. I didn't order that.
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310. Is there something we can get you,
Mr Hutchinson?
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311. A tea cosy for your pepper pot, perhaps?
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312. - I changed the order, you see.
- What seems to be the trouble?
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313. I thought Mr Hutchinson
ordered an omelette.
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314. No, he went off it, Polly, so we
changed the order, it's perfectly simple.
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315. - Well, I'm sorry, but I wasn't told.
- I told chef, so he should have told you.
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316. - Well, he didn't.
- Is that my fault?
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317. - No, is it mine?
- No, it's his.
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318. - What?
- It's the chef's fault.
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319. - I beg your pardon?
- In a case like this,
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320. where the order's been changed,
the chef's been informed, it's his responsibility...
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321. You want to run the place?
You want to come and run the hotel?
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322. Mr Hutchinson's taking over, Polly,
so, I'll have the omelette.
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323. With his natural charm and wide experience
he'll have no problems.
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324. - Can't sit around all day, there's lots to be done.
- No, no!
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325. - What is going on, Basil?
- Hello, dear.
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326. - Well?
- Is that better, Mr Hutchinson?
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327. - What?
- Is that better?
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328. Good, good, well,
that's all sorted out then.
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329. - Is there something wrong?
- Yes, I have been given an erroneous dish.
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330. Thank you, Basil, I'll deal with this.
Thank you, Polly.
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331. - Now, Mr Hutchinson...
- I did order the omelette in the first place,
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332. - but then I changed my mind.
- I see.
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333. I'll just go in the kitchen
and find out what's happened.
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334. Thank you.
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335. - Manuel?
- Sí.
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336. - The bottle.
- Yes.
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337. - Where is it?
- Qué?
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338. - Donde es...
- Oh, I take it. I take it. I take it.
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339. - Come here.
- You're a waste of space.
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340. - There we are.
- No, no, just a moment, please.
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341. - I did not order that.
- You didn't?
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342. I did not.
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343. I'm sorry, there's an order
for a pâte for this table.
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344. Dear me.
Things do seem to be going wrong, today.
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345. - Sybil, taking care of things, are you?
- Yes, thank you, Basil.
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346. - Everything's all right, then?
- It appears that I'm...
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347. We're just sorting it
out, thank you, Basil.
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348. - You didn't order pâte maison, did you?
- No, I did not.
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349. - I ordered...
- I'll leave you to deal with it.
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350. - How did you do that?
- What?
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351. Where did you get it?
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352. - Where did I get it?
- That's right. How did you get it?
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353. The waiter opened it for me.
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354. - The waiter opened it for you?
- Yes.
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355. I've told you about him, haven't I?
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356. Oh, no, no, for goodness sake!
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357. - What is it? What is it!
- I did not order a lamb casserole.
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358. No, he didn't. He didn't order one, Polly.
So why has he got one?
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359. - Mrs Fawlty told me to give him one.
- I know how she feels.
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360. - I've got an order for one here.
- Who took the order?
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361. - I don't know.
- Manuel!
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362. I mean, look. How can it be... How can
it be so difficult to get a cheese salad?
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363. - You want to run the place?
- No, no, I...
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364. - Shut up, then.
- I beg your pardon?
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365. I'll get you a cheese salad, Mr Hutchinson.
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366. Don't listen to anyone.
Just get a cheese salad.
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367. Si?
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368. Excuse me! I've changed my mind.
I do not want the cheese salad.
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369. I wish to cancel it.
I am not used to being spoken to like that.
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370. And I have no wish to continue my luncheon.
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371. I do apologise if what I said just now
seemed a trifle brusque.
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372. Brusque? It was rude. I said, rude!
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373. I'm deeply sorry if it came over like that.
Nothing could have been further from my mind.
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374. - You told me to shut up.
- No, no. He told me to shut up.
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375. What? He said it to me!
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376. I was looking at you,
but I was talking to Polly.
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377. - Yes.
- Did you notice then,
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378. - that I was looking at you but talking to her?
- What?
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379. You see, he was looking at you, but talking to me.
Wasn't he?
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380. - Wasn't I?
- What?
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381. You weren't being rude,
were you, Mr Fawlty?
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382. - Absolutely not. You see?
- Me?
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383. - Yes.
- Yeah, but if you say "shut up" to somebody,
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384. - that's the one you want to shut up, isn't it?
- Not necessarily.
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385. - I'm sorry, were you talking to me?
- Yes.
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386. - I beg your pardon?
- See how easily these misunderstandings occur?
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387. - Yes, I do.
- So, one cheese salad please, Polly.
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388. - Certainly, Mr Hutchinson.
- If there's anything else,
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389. - please don't hesitate to ask.
- Thank you.
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390. What are you doing?
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391. I'm so sorry. He's from Barcelona.
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392. - I trust your pâte was satisfactory?
- Yes, thank you.
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393. Oh, good.
The chef buys it himself, you know.
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394. - Buys it?
- He insists on it.
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395. I imagine the Corton
complemented it delightfully.
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396. - Yes, it's very good.
- Excellent.
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397. - More like a '66, really.
- Is it?
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398. Well, lots of body.
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399. Yes, quite right.
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400. It's always a pleasure to meet someone
who appreciates the boudoir of the grape.
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401. I'm afraid most of the people we get
here don't know a Bordeaux from a claret.
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402. A Bordeaux is a claret.
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403. A Bordeaux is a claret, yes.
But they wouldn't know that.
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404. You obviously drink a lot. Wine, I mean.
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405. I mean, a fair amount...
I mean, the right amount for a connoisseur.
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406. That doesn't mean you're... Does it?
Some people drink it by the crate.
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407. But that's not being a connoisseur.
That's just plain sloshed.
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408. - A Bordeaux's one of the clarets, all right.
- One.
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409. - You are down here on business, are you?
- What?
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410. - You're not in the wine trade, by any chance?
- No, we're not.
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411. - "We're"?
- I am down here on business
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412. with a couple of colleagues
and we are not in the wine trade.
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413. - It's just that you're obviously so expert.
- No, I am not expert.
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414. - Oh, but you are.
- No, I'm not.
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415. - Oh, yes you are.
- I am not an expert.
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416. - Three of you?
- What?
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417. Three of you?
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418. Yes, there are three of us.
Well, the other two aren't here.
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419. - They're staying at another hotel.
- Quite!
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420. - It's all right, is it?
- What?
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421. I mean, things in general?
The wine is really good?
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422. - Yes.
- And, the pâte was all right?
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423. - Yes, I said so.
- And the casserole?
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424. I haven't tasted it yet.
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425. Mmm.
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426. I have not been given the chance.
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427. Oh, come on now. This is quite absurd.
I'm sorry, I do not want the omelette.
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428. - It's nice.
- I don't want the bloody thing.
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429. I've sent it back once. Give it to me.
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430. - I fail to see how this sort of thing could happen.
- There. I've torn it up.
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431. You'll never see it again.
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432. All I wanted was a cheese salad.
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433. Thank you, Polly. One cheese salad.
There we are, sir.
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434. - I'm so glad everything is to your satisfaction.
- No, it is not!
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435. This is absolutely ridiculous.
You are supposed to be running a hotel.
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436. - My, that does look good.
- I've had the omelette,
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437. - a prawn cocktail with a bloody silly name.
- Look at that cheddar. Delicious.
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438. Then, I had a plate of stew,
then the bloody omelette again.
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439. - Can we keep it down a little bit?
- All I wanted was a cheese salad.
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440. It wasn't as if I'd ordered an
elephant's ear on a bun, was it?
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441. - Thank you, sir.
- The whole thing is ridiculous!
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442. For a man who's supposed
to be running a hotel
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443. your behaviour is totally...
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444. Is there anything else
that I can get for you?
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445. - Look at that cheese. Isn't that lovely?
- I can't breathe!
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446. It's all right, he's only choking.
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447. Don't worry,
a bit of cheese went the wrong way.
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448. Never mind. He's fainted. Manuel!
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449. Poor chap. A bit of cheese.
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450. Yes, please.
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451. What's happened?
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452. - He's fainted.
- Fainted?
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453. Got a bit of cheese stuck.
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454. You do not faint
from getting a bit of cheese stuck.
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455. I was giving him a bit of a pat on the back
and he sort of moved just as I was, er...
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456. - What have you done, Basil?
- Nothing. He moved just as I...
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457. - Oh, my God. Call the doctor.
- Look, I can handle it.
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458. - Call the doctor!
- I can handle it!
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459. - Call the doctor!
- I can... Right! Obviously, I can't handle it!
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460. I'm just a great sabre-toothed tart
so we'll let my husband do it.
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461. I'm so sorry to have left you.
I trust you enjoyed your meal?
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462. - Yes, thank you. I was wondering...
- The casserole was really good, was it?
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463. - Well, it was adequate.
- Quite, yes, exactly.
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464. I'm afraid our chef at lunch today
is not our regular.
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465. I'm sorry about that
poor chap choking himself like that.
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466. I was wondering if you had
a telephone I might use?
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467. - Yes, please.
- Don't know how he managed to do it, but...
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468. There he is. Good.
Mr Hutchinson, there you are.
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469. What a shame that bit of cheese getting
stuck in the old windpipe like that.
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470. - Would you like to go in there and discuss it?
- No, I'd prefer to come in here and discuss it.
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471. Fine. I'm afraid it's a
little bit of a mess...
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472. That lie down seems to
have done you some good.
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473. Sorry about this.
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474. I'm not a violent man, Mr Fawlty.
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475. - Yes, you are!
- No, I'm not!
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476. When I'm insulted and then attacked,
I prefer to rely on my own mettle
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477. - than call the police.
- Do you?
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478. Yes, I do. Now stand up like a man.
Come on!
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479. - Bit of trouble with the old leg.
- Come on!
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480. - Yeah. Look what I've found.
- I hope I've made my point.
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481. Absolutely. I've been looking for that.
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482. I'd like to say.
This hotel is extremely inefficient and badly run,
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483. and you are a very rude
and discourteous man.
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484. - Did I say something funny, Mr Fawlty?
- Sort of pithy, I suppose.
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485. Oh, really? Well, here's the punch line.
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486. Now, I'm going to fetch my belongings,
and I do not expect to receive a bill.
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487. You've handled that then, have you, Basil?
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488. Yes, dear, thank you. Leave it to me.
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489. Incidentally, I don't know if you realise,
but he's a regular customer of ours.
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490. He loves it here. It's his second home.
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491. We always have to have this little...
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492. - I don't know why, but he seems to like it.
- Really?
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493. The only danger is that somebody will think
that he isn't satisfied about something
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494. or the fighting is real and tell somebody.
You won't mention it, will you?
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495. We'd love to offer you dinner here tonight
as our guest to show our gratitude.
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496. - What?
- Dinner tonight? Would you?
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497. - No, I can't tonight. Thank you.
- Tomorrow night?
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498. I shall be leaving tomorrow. I'm sorry.
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499. All right. £50, then.
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500. - Beg your pardon?
- £50 not to mention it.
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501. - £50?
- £60 not to write about it,
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502. articles, books, letters.
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503. - I'm afraid I really don't...
- Please!
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504. It's taken us 12 years
to build this place up.
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505. Don't put this in the book.
We're finished if you... Please don't.
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506. - Book? What book?
- The hotel guide.
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507. Sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it.
What have I done?
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508. You've got me confused with someone else.
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509. I've nothing to do with any hotel guide.
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510. I'm down here for the exhibition.
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511. I sell outboard motors.
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512. - All right?
- What? Outboard motors?
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513. - You're not an inspector?
- No.
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514. - Not on the side?
- No.
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515. Swear to God?
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516. - I tell you, I have nothing to do with it.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
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517. I don't know how I could ever...
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518. Thanks! Thanks!
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519. 26 bedrooms, 12 with private bathrooms.
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520. Why don't you have dinner here
and Chris and I can try the Claremont?
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521. Okay, the owner's one Basil Fawlty.
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522. - Please, señor, Mr Fawlty wants to say adios!
- No, no!
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523. - Papers arrived yet, Fawlty?
- Not yet, Major. Sorry.
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524. Good afternoon, gentlemen.
And what can I do for you three gentlemen?
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