Father Ted 3x8

Jeff Harding as Father Buzz Cagney • Brian Eno as Father Brian Eno • Tommy Tiernan as Father Kevin

Ted performs a genuinely unselfish act, and is rewarded with the offer of a parish in California - his wildest dreams come true. However, parting from his long-time companions at the Parochial House proves tricky. Unless Ted can break the news of his departure tactfully to Dougal, Jack and Mrs Doyle, he won't be going to America...

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1. You know, Father, David, and this is Father Brian.

2. Ted, have you got a moment?

3. One second.

4. He's gonna jump.

5. Kevin?

6. Kevin, what's going on, for goodness sake?

7. I can't go on.

8. Don't be silly now, Kevin.

9. It's pointless.

10. What did I become a priest for any way?

11. What an utterly useless waste of time.

12. I'd have been of more use sweeping roads.

13. Would you listen to me?

14. It's fabulous being a priest.

15. Think of all the comfort you bring to the sick and dying.

16. They love it.

17. They can't get enough of it.

18. What about your friends?

19. Father Alan here, for instance?

20. I've never met him before.

21. Anyone know him?

22. No.

23. All right, I'm your friend, Kevin.

24. Really?

25. You better believe it.

26. Now, stop all that nonsense and come on.

27. OK.

28. I'm coming in.

29. Well caught.

30. Well caught.

31. That silver-haired priest, what's his name?

32. Why, that's father Ted Crilly.

33. Crilly, huh?

34. Thank you.

35. And who are you?

36. What—

37. Sorry, I went over there.

38. What'd you say?

39. I said, who are you?

40. My name's Cagney, Buzz Cagney, and I

41. think I might have a proposition for this Father Ted Crilly.

42. I'm sorry, Father, I don't know what came over me.

43. I get a bit depressed sometimes.

44. Don't mention it.

45. I hate to bring this up now, but that 20 quid you own me?

46. Do you remember?

47. If you have it.

48. And Harrison Ford jumps off the plane,

49. and as he's falling fires back up in the plane.

50. Wow, that sounds great.

51. I'm going again this weekend, if you want to see it.

52. Brilliant.

53. Oh, Mrs. Doyle, when you go home,

54. Father Kevin will be there.

55. He's staying until this depression

56. or whatever it is lifts, so—

57. Oh, right.

58. So don't depress him.

59. Yes, stay away from war and death and that whole pension

60. fund area.

61. All right.

62. I'll stick to things like puppies and cushions.

63. Puppies and cushions.

64. I'm in a better mood already.

65. Father, that sermon today, frankly

66. it bored the arse out of me.

67. Well, Eugene, I'm not here to entertain you.

68. If you want that type of thing, go and see

69. John Michel Gar or someone.

70. What the hell was it at anyway?

71. Well, it was a—

72. Ah, Jesus.

73. What was my sermon about today, Dougal?

74. Do you remember?

75. Sorry, Ted, I was concentrating

76. too hard on looking holy.

77. To be honest, I couldn't give a toss.

78. This is much more fun than killing yourself,

79. isn't it, Kevin?

80. I suppose.

81. Ah, come on, Kevin, cheer up.

82. That's me and Dougal's job now, we're in the smile brigade.

83. Not the fire brigade, the smile brigade.

84. We're going to keep you happy and cheery

85. until you can go to the bank.

86. Go to the bank?

87. Go home.

88. I meant, go home.

89. I'll have that money for you first thing on Monday.

90. Seriously, just a slip of the tongue.

91. Please, I don't even remember how much it was.

92. - It was a 10er. - 20.

93. 20.

94. I'm sorry, but let's nip that in the bud now.

95. It was 20.

96. I'm sorry, but it was.

97. It was 20.

98. Anyway, that's not the point.

99. The point is you're going to stay here until you cheer up.

100. Things are going to happen for you now.

101. I can feel it.

102. Oh, nice move, Kev.

103. Actually, Kevin, you've landed on a snake there.

104. You have to go down.

105. What's wrong with you?

106. There's nothing wrong, Dougal.

107. Are you all right, Kevin?

108. Yes, I am.

109. I'm all right. - Your go again.

110. Oh, good, five.

111. Another snake.

112. You're go, Dougal.

113. Hurray.

114. If he keeps landing on snakes, then I'm going to win for sure.

115. Very near a snake there, Kevin,

116. as long as you don't get a one.

117. You're all right, Kevin, it's a six.

118. No, it isn't, Ted.

119. It's a one.

120. I don't think it is, Dougal.

121. It is, Ted, it's a one.

122. Look.

123. He's going to Snake Town.

124. Oh, come on, Kevin.

125. Oh, wait, no. It is a six.

126. Kevin?

127. Tell you what, we'll leave it at 15 quid.

128. Father?

129. Hm?

130. A visitor, Father.

131. Father Crilly, hello.

132. Hello.

133. My name is Father Buzz Cagney.

134. I was at a conference the other day.

135. I was hoping we could have a chat.

136. I think you might be interested in a little proposition.

137. And then I was in Utah, not a good Catholic market.

138. Mormon country.

139. Out there a guy can have 5, 10 wives.

140. That's a lot of action.

141. Action?

142. Yeah.

143. Hard To compete with that.

144. And then I was in Reno.

145. Reno?

146. I believe that's very like Wicklow.

147. I did a mass in Wicklow once.

148. Very rough crowd.

149. Very restless.

150. You have to do a good sermon or they'll hop all over you.

151. Anyhow, where are you now?

152. I'm in Beverly Hills.

153. Beverly Hills?

154. Wow.

155. Good God, you really landed on your feet there.

156. Tell me, is it really as false and artificial as everyone

157. says it is?

158. Yes.

159. I'd love that.

160. You do get to meet quite a lot of celebrities though.

161. Yeah? Like who?

162. Kevin Spacey.

163. He's a nice guy. - Don't know him.

164. What about Val Kilmer?

165. I believe he's a complete bastard.

166. Did you ever think of going out there yourself?

167. Well, I usually go on holidays with my curious Father Maguire.

168. He can't really take the sun too well.

169. Who are you?

170. What are you talking about?

171. This is Father Buzz Cagney.

172. He's just on a short visit.

173. He's from America.

174. America?

175. We were just talking about that fellow Kurt Cobain.

176. He was from America.

177. Imagine blowing your head off with a shotgun.

178. How did he manage to survive that?

179. He didn't.

180. He died.

181. Oh, right.

182. Anyway, you go up to bed.

183. I'll be up in a minute.

184. All right.

185. Goodnight, lads.

186. You'll be up in a minute?

187. Yes, we sleep together.

188. Anyway, who else do you know?

189. Hello, everyone.

190. Father, are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow?

191. Yes, I suppose so.

192. I think you'll enjoy it.

193. You do like pheasant, don't ya?

194. Pheasant.

195. God, I love pheasant.

196. Well, that's a little clue.

197. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.

198. Are you, Mrs. Doyle, you're not going to cut his nails now,

199. are you?

200. I have to, Father.

201. He's been worrying the armrests again.

202. Well, all right.

203. Buzz, just slip this on.

204. Anyway, you were saying?

205. Yeah.

206. I was curious, how much money this parish bring in last year?

207. How much money?

208. I don't know.

209. Another bloody window gone.

210. I suppose we take in about 150 pounds, maybe 200 pounds.

211. Mrs. Doyle, aim into the wall, please.

212. 200 pounds, huh?

213. What's that?

214. Not even $400.

215. You know what i do with $400?

216. I wipe my ass with $400.

217. Good God.

218. Can that still be used as legal tender?

219. My parish, St. John's, made $2 million last year.

220. That's a lot of sherry and steak dinners.

221. Mrs. Doyle, seriously now, do it later.

222. Oh, all right, Father.

223. This is the St. Johns brochure.

224. It's a little out of date.

225. We've had another swimming pool built since then,

226. and these ladies serving drinks would be in their 20s now.

227. Wow.

228. Cool.

229. Ted, the other day, I saw how you

230. dealt with that suicide guy.

231. I have to say, I liked what I saw.

232. How would you like to work with me in LA in a satellite parish

233. to St. Johns?

234. You mean, LA?

235. That's un— believable.

236. God, that's fantastic.

237. Do you really think you could swing it?

238. It's a good parish, Ted.

239. If you work hard, the rewards are there.

240. Yeah.

241. Spiritual rewards.

242. Real rewards.

243. Really?

244. It's the land of opportunity, Ted.

245. You want something, you can get it.

246. I wanted it.

247. Really?

248. It's official? Yes.

249. Yes.

250. Great news.

251. Thank you, Buzz.

252. Thank you.

253. Yes.

254. One step at a time.

255. Got to get them all together.

256. Father Jack, Dougal, Mrs. Doyle, I'm going to America.

257. Yes.

258. Ted, can I talk to you for a minute?

259. Sure.

260. I just want to thank you for talking

261. me off the ledge the other day.

262. It was very good of you.

263. I can't pretend that I'm any happier, I'm afraid.

264. The world still seems a dark, unpleasant place.

265. Yes.

266. I have to get all my stuff brought over,

267. but that won't be a problem.

268. Kevin, hello.

269. What can I do for you?

270. Well, it's just that I feel as if I should tell

271. someone where my thoughts have been leading

272. me these past few weeks.

273. Down some very dark and disturbing alleys.

274. I think, I'm experiencing what you might know

275. as the dark night of the soul.

276. Hold on a second, Kevin.

277. Do you mind if I put on some music?

278. No.

279. I've begun to be plagued by doubts, doubts about, oh,

280. God, I mean, what if none of it's true?

281. Who's The black sex machine?

282. Shaft.

283. Sorry, Father?

284. This is such a good song.

285. I just keep thinking of all the awful things that

286. happen to people, war, famine, that whole mirror

287. pension fund thing.

288. It just makes me despair.

289. Shaft.

290. I love this bit.

291. I do, I do like this song actually.

292. It's terrific.

293. Mrs. Doyle got in carboot sale.

294. Shaft.

295. Shaft.

296. Shaft.

297. You were saying, Kevin?

298. Oh, it doesn't matter.

299. I better be go home anyway.

300. Thanks, Ted.

301. Listen, did you want that 20?

302. Yeah. Actually, keep it.

303. Really?

304. All right, thanks, Ted.

305. No problem.

306. Yes.

307. Dougal, great news.

308. I've been asked to go and work in America.

309. Really?

310. As what?

311. - As a priest. - A priest?

312. Great.

313. That's more or less the same as what you do here.

314. Yes.

315. God, America, fantastic.

316. When are we going?

317. When are we?

318. What?

319. I am going, aren't I?

320. You wouldn't— you wouldn't leave me behind, would you?

321. Mrs. Doyle, wait till you hear this.

322. Ted's been offered a job in America,

323. and we're all going with him.

324. Are we— are we really?

325. Are we really, Father?

326. Yes, we're going to America.

327. Tell, Father Jack.

328. Father Jack?

329. I'll be seeing you in apple blossom town.

330. I'll be seeing you to change your name to mine.

331. Actually, I think I'd better just go and have a bit of a lie

332. down.

333. Father, do you mind if I turn on the radio?

334. No, I don't.

335. Put it on.

336. With their new single, here's Radiohead.

337. [MUSIC - RADIOHEAD, "EXIT MUSIC'] Wake from your sleep,

338. the drying of your tears.

339. Today, we escape.

340. We escape.

341. You guys, what a great mass.

342. Well, what'd you think, Buzz?

343. Seeing you out there today, Ted, let me put it this way.

344. I haven't been this excited about religion in 30 years.

345. You really know how to work the room.

346. Well, you inspired me, Buzz.

347. It was one of those masses when everything went right.

348. I don't know what it was.

349. I was just in the zone.

350. I know they're going to love you in the states, Ted.

351. You put on a show.

352. But remember, it's a competitive market.

353. You'll be up against Billy Graham

354. and those nation of Islam guys.

355. You got to get your audience, you got to grab them,

356. you know where to grab them?

357. Yeah, by the balls.

358. I was gonna say the shoulders.

359. Oh, right, sorry.

360. It's fantastic.

361. I just feel like going out and doing another mass right away.

362. Pace yourself, Ted, I wouldn't do another mass for a week.

363. The way I feel now, I could convert gays.

364. Oh, Ted, one week to go.

365. Yes, Dougal.

366. Mrs. Doyle, Dougal, Father Jack, I have to tell you something.

367. I have to be absolutely honest with you.

368. The money was just resting in the account.

369. We know all about it, Father.

370. No.

371. It's nothing to do with that.

372. It's, well, the thing is you won't—

373. you won't be able to come with me when I go into space.

374. I'm going to be the first priest in space.

375. Yes.

376. NASA has selected me to be the first priest in space,

377. so that's the news.

378. I thought you'd like to hear it.

379. Great.

380. That's all right.

381. God, Ted, first America then space.

382. What's next?

383. Who knows?

384. Well, as long as we can all go to America with you,

385. that's the important thing.

386. I think if I heard that I couldn't go for any reason,

387. I'd have to say that that will be the single most

388. crushing blow of my life.

389. A disappointment like that, I don't

390. see how I could live with it.

391. I might have to take the ultimate step

392. and take my own life.

393. Mrs. Doyle, that's a terrible thing to say.

394. Well, it doesn't matter anyway,

395. because I am going to America.

396. Yes.

397. Ha ha.

398. Well, Father, today's the day.

399. I arranged for the electricity and phone to be cut off,

400. and I got someone to come around and take away all the furniture

401. and burn it in a big fire.

402. Well, come on now, Father, we don't want to miss our plane.

403. God, Ted, I've just seen my passport photo.

404. I look hilarious.

405. Here.

406. God, I've changed a lot.

407. Look at Father Jack.

408. He's so excited about going to America,

409. he can barely keep still.

410. Seriously, Dougal, I have to say something.

411. Ow, I can't wait to hear this.

412. Every time Ted's talked to us over the past few days,

413. it's just been more and more good news.

414. Now you're going to tell us your Santa or something.

415. No, I'm not Santa.

416. In fact, I'm the opposite to Santa.

417. The anti-Santa?

418. I'm afraid this is going to come as a terrible blow

419. to all of you, but I can't put it off any longer.

420. What are those guys doing here?

421. They just came with me to the airport to say goodbye.

422. They don't think they're coming as well, do they?

423. No. I told them.

424. I definitely made that very clear to them.

425. I told them a million times.

426. Just say your goodbyes and get checked in.

427. Then we can go to the executive lounge,

428. talk about your new parish.

429. You know, Ted, all my life, I've

430. dreamed about something really special happening to me,

431. and now it is.

432. I think this is the greatest moment of my life.

433. Me too.

434. Meet bras.

435. Dougal, Mrs. Doyle, Father Jack,

436. why don't you wait in the cafe, and I'll just check us in.

437. Which cafe, Ted?

438. The one that isn't a tourist office over there.

439. OK.

440. They're never going to serve us.

441. So, you all set?

442. I am.

443. I forgot to pack my swimming trunks.

444. What do you want them for?

445. Well, I don't want to go all natural at the pool.

446. See, I have a bit of downy fluff around that whole bottom area.

447. Yeah, I heard about that.

448. No, I meant, what pool?

449. You don't have a pool.

450. No?

451. OK.

452. You'll have a basketball court.

453. Great.

454. That'll keep me fit anyway.

455. One of the ways the parish has tried

456. to cool tensions between the gangs in the past

457. is through sports.

458. Stop it there a moment, Buzz.

459. Gangs?

460. Did you use the word gangs there?

461. What does that mean exactly?

462. Well, LA's gang problem is getting slightly better

463. these days.

464. Last year, there were only 5,620 gang related deaths.

465. There's another use of that word gangs

466. I asked you about earlier.

467. Also, I couldn't help noticing that it was followed

468. closely by the word deaths.

469. Yes.

470. The good news is that drive-by shootings are down.

471. Right.

472. There I note the word shootings.

473. Buzz?

474. Yes?

475. I quit.

476. I didn't know I was going to America to umpire

477. drive-by shooting tournaments.

478. Stop the plane.

479. But, it— it hasn't started yet, Ted.

480. Don't start the plane.

481. I'm getting off.

482. Ted, is that you?

483. Yes, it's me.

484. Listen, Dougal, I've been thinking about things,

485. and I think it would be better if I didn't go to America.

486. I think we'd all be happiest where we belong,

487. on Craggy Island.

488. Fair enough, Ted.

489. I didn't really want to go anyway.

490. Oh, Father, you're back.

491. What's going on?

492. Ted decided it would be better if we didn't go to America.

493. Really?

494. He's probably right.

495. Fight.

496. Come on, Father, we'll go home and get you a drink.

497. Drink.

498. But I thought you really wanted to go?

499. Yes, I thought I'd be a bit more disappointed, but now

500. that you've told us, I realize that I

501. didn't want to go anyway.

502. Besides, I don't think I can go.

503. I haven't told my sister about it.

504. Come on, Ted, let's go.

505. Oh, yeah, Ted, you're here to stay with me and Mrs. Doyle

506. and Father Jack forever and ever and ever and ever and ever

507. and ever and ever and ever and ever

508. and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

509. Down with this sort of thing.

510. Careful now.

511. Night, Dougal.

512. Night, Ted.