Father Ted 3x4

Directed by Declan Lowney

Richard Wilson as Richard Wilson • Graham Norton as Father Noel Furlong • Doreen Keogh as Mrs. Dineen • Mary Ann O'Donoghue as Optician • John Henderson as Tour Guide

A perfectly routine trip to the mainland results in Dougal almost dying from malnutrition, Mrs Doyle being chucked in the clink, Ted nearly being beaten up by Victor Meldrew, and Father Jack joining Alcoholics Anonymous. A chance encounter with old friends Noel Furlong and the St. Luke's Youth Group in some spooky caves spells spelaeological trouble for our heroes.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Come on, Dougal.

2. Turn off the video.

3. OK, Ted.

4. That's a great show, though, isn't it?

5. He's mad, isn't he?

6. I don't believe it, he says.

7. Which one were you watching?

8. What?

9. Which episode of "One Foot in the Grave" were you watching?

10. Huh?

11. Dougal, you just finished watching it.

12. Do you not remember anything from it?

13. I don't believe it.

14. That's what he says.

15. Come on, Dougal.

16. Hurry up.

17. We're off to the mainland.

18. Hurray!

19. Why?

20. We have to go to the betting shop to collect my winnings—

21. 200 pounds on Father Liam Rice in the limbo competition.

22. What they don't know is there's something wrong with his back

23. and he always walks like that

24. I don't believe it.

25. I don't believe it!

26. Dougal, you better get that mended.

27. There's a hole there in the top of your tank top.

28. Really, Ted?

29. I don't believe it.

30. Brilliant, Dougal!

31. Can we go to the caves then after we

32. go to the betting shop? Can we go?

33. Can we?

34. Please, please, please, please, please, please.

35. All right, we'll go to the caves.

36. Fantastic!

37. Going to the caves!

38. I don't believe it!

39. Here we are now.

40. I don't believe it.

41. Drink!

42. Not now, father.

43. We're going to the optician's in Rumsky, remember, to get you

44. a nice pair of glasses.

45. You should all be very careful on the mainland.

46. There's a lot of crime around.

47. Arsonists and muggers everywhere!

48. My friend Mrs. Oddwire was robbed last week.

49. Oh no!

50. Did they get much!

51. No, father, I don't think you understand.

52. She was robbed!

53. They stole her!

54. Oh, I see.

55. It's a terrible thing when an old person

56. can't even walk down the street for fear of being stolen.

57. It is.

58. Come on, Dougal.

59. I don't want any accidents.

60. Here's Mrs. Dineen, Father.

61. You can drop me off here.

62. Right so.

63. Hello, Father Crilly.

64. Hello, Mrs. Dineen.

65. MRS. When we go to the tea shop, Mrs. Dineen,

66. we can have a bit of a chat there.

67. Right so.

68. Bye now.

69. God, Dougal, could you imagine spending

70. any more time with those—

71. Oh, 200 big ones, Dougal.

72. What?

73. Oh God, Ted.

74. I'm so happy.

75. The sun's out and we're in an optician's.

76. It doesn't get any better than this.

77. God, Ted, I just remembered something!

78. I forgot to have any breakfast!

79. We'll get something later.

80. Don't worry.

81. Oh God, Ted, I'm so hungry!

82. There's no chance!

83. I couldn't die, could I, from the hunger?

84. I don't think so— not for a couple of hours, anyway.

85. I'm finished now, Father.

86. Well, I must say I'm confused.

87. His eyesight seems to be better than ever before.

88. He read right down to the very last line

89. and even I can't see that one.

90. Ah— ah, I think I know what happened.

91. You see, Father Jack has a great fondness for saying

92. that particular word.

93. Oh, I didn't know.

94. It's the first time I've used that eye chart, actually.

95. I got it free with a promotional crate of Carlsberg.

96. Hey, do you have anything to eat?

97. Like a plate of chips or a burger or a few chops?

98. I'm out of me head with the hunger.

99. No, I'll, um, just get the other chart.

100. So what happened to his last pair of glasses?

101. No idea.

102. He was gone out of the house for a few minutes.

103. When he came back, they were gone.

104. He can't seem to hold onto a pair.

105. Dougal, you forgot your scarf.

106. Ah, Fathers, this is going to take some time.

107. All right, we'll head off.

108. So come on, Dougal.

109. We'll go to the caves.

110. Hooray!

111. Now, Father, this chart was given

112. to me by Slovakia's premier lens manufacturers,

113. Feckarse Industries.

114. You remember Mrs. Kiernon.

115. Well, she was on her way to the shop the other day,

116. and a man came over to her and killed her and stole her pen.

117. Killed her?

118. Well, they think so.

119. They're keeping her in for tests.

120. Well, you know what happened to old Mr. Sweeney.

121. Some young fellas broke into his house

122. and started messing with them.

123. And they put a bra on him!

124. Oh God, poor Mr. Sweeney.

125. He wouldn't like that at all.

126. I heard there were over 200 cases

127. of forced transvestism involving Mr. Sweeney last year.

128. Oh, it's terrible.

129. What's the world coming to?

130. Steady, Dougal. Right, now one more.

131. Steady.

132. God almighty! What?

133. Look who it is!

134. It— it's that actor! Who?

135. You know, your— your man from "One Foot in the Grave,"

136. dee.

137. I don't believe it, man.

138. Oh, wow!

139. God, that's amazing.

140. Look at him there.

141. Do you know what he'd love?

142. What?

143. He'd love it if somebody came up to him

144. and said his catchphrase.

145. Ho ho, yeah, Ted.

146. He'd love that!

147. You should definitely do that.

148. Should I?

149. Oh yeah.

150. I'd say no one ever does that to him.

151. He'd think you're hilarious.

152. You know, this is one of these times when I'm absolutely,

153. 100 million percent sure that you'd be doing the right thing.

154. I can safely say you definitely, definitely

155. won't regret doing that.

156. All right, I'm going to do it.

157. Brilliant, Ted!

158. Will I?

159. Yeah, go on!

160. Hold the camera.

161. I don't believe it!

162. Well, what did he say?

163. Did he laugh?

164. No, no, no, no, not really.

165. I'm going to sit down now.

166. Oh God, no!

167. I could never be one of those have a go heroes.

168. I didn't know my own strength.

169. I heard his arm snap.

170. And then it was just a case of lying on top of him

171. until the filth arrived.

172. We better be off, Mrs. Doyle. I'll get this.

173. Oh, no, Mrs. Dineen.

174. Put that away.

175. I'll get this.

176. No, now don't be silly.

177. I pay.

178. You won't!

179. Put that away!

180. Now don't be stupid, Mrs. Doyle.

181. No, no, no, no.

182. Now just put your money away.

183. You're mad!

184. No, no, no, no!

185. Fecking balls again.

186. Drink!

187. Take the money!

188. Take the money!

189. Take the money, all right!

190. I'm writing a check!

191. No you're not!

192. No you're not! All right!

193. Give me that checkbook!

194. Give it!

195. Hello, police?

196. Right, right.

197. Absolutely.

198. We understand.

199. At that stage, I was drinking over a pint of vodka a day.

200. Yes!

201. Yes, all I could think about was where

202. the next drink was coming from.

203. Drink!

204. I didn't give a damn about my wife or kids.

205. Blech.

206. NowAn now with all of your help, I'm coming through it.

207. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

208. That's good.

209. Thank you, Ronald.

210. Now I notice that we have a new member

211. of the group with us today.

212. Father, would you like to tell us your story?

213. Drink!

214. Drink!

215. Drink!

216. Here, here, Father.

217. Let it all out.

218. Drink!

219. It's so true, so true.

220. And this rock here is actually granite.

221. How long would that be there?

222. Oh, many millions of years.

223. Really?

224. As long as that?

225. That— that is fascinating.

226. How come all the rocks are different sizes?

227. Well, you know, rocks are generally different sizes.

228. Wow.

229. I'm finding out all kinds of things

230. I never knew about rocks.

231. Of course, at this time, most of this whole area

232. would have been submerged under water.

233. How did everyone breathe?

234. They had some sort of apparatus.

235. Oh, right.

236. Wow, look at that rock over there!

237. Well, this is actually the oldest part of our tour.

238. Ah, this particular cave was formed

239. more than 15 million years ago.

240. Wow, I don't believe it.

241. You again!

242. I don't want— I don't want to see you again!

243. Bastard!

244. That path's not open to the—

245. oh, Mr. Wilson, could— could I just say how sorry—

246. Oh, that's all right.

247. That's all right.

248. As long as I don't have to hear that bloody catchphrase again.

249. I don't believe it!

250. I don't believe it!

251. I'm sure we came in this way.

252. Oh, Ted.

253. I'm so hungry I'm beginning to hallucinate.

254. Now Dougal, don't exaggerate.

255. And stop worrying!

256. We're.

257. Let's try this way.

258. Ted, what's that?

259. What's what?

260. Ah!

261. Ah!

262. Ted!

263. Ah!

264. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

265. I see a little silloueto of a man.

266. Scaramooch, Scaramooch, will you do that fandango?

267. Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me!

268. Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Figaro.

269. Magnifico, oh, oh, oh.

270. I'm just a poor boy.

271. Nobody loves me.

272. He's just a poor boy from a poor family.

273. Save him his life from this monstrosity.

274. Easy come, easy go.

275. Will you let me go?

276. Bismilach.

277. No, we will not let you go.

278. Let me go!

279. Bismilach.

280. We will not let you go.

281. Let me go!

282. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

283. No—

284. Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia, let me go.

285. Beelzebub had the devil put aside for me, for me, for me.

286. As I was saying, I think the thing to do

287. is to try and find an exit before the caves close

288. for the evening.

289. Good idea, Father.

290. How long have you been in here?

291. Two days now, Father.

292. At least I think it's two days.

293. We've been having a great laugh.

294. Well, I, uh, I just think that, uh, actually everyone

295. would like to get out of here and get

296. something to eat and get home.

297. Who can screech the loudest?

298. Huh?

299. Let's have a screeching competition!

300. I'll go first.

301. Jerry Feyes, your go.

302. I'd rather not, Father.

303. Oh, go on.

304. It's easy, peasy.

305. I really think we should think about trying

306. to get out of here.

307. Oh God, Ted.

308. Maybe you're right.

309. If we don't get out, we might have to eat each other.

310. You know, like— like in that film "Alive"

311. where they get into the plane crash

312. and then they have to eat all their friends.

313. Mmm, look, look. Here's me eating Tony.

314. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

315. And— and Tony would be going, oh no, get off me!

316. I'm not dead yet!

317. Anybody would be going, but I'm hungry, Tony!

318. And Tony would be going, oh no! Go away!

319. Go away! Go away!

320. Wouldn't you, Tony?

321. Oh, oh, here's— here's Tony's parents when

322. they hear that I've eaten Tony.

323. Oh, oh, oh, no.

324. Why did you eat Tony?

325. Tony was our only son.

326. Then I'd be at the funeral.

327. And I'd be going, oh, better not show my—

328. Will you shut up?

329. Will you?

330. Will you please shut up?

331. Will you shut up?

332. Shut up!

333. Shut up!

334. Well, well, I've never.

335. I've never— Tony, I'm putting you on my list of enemies.

336. There.

337. You're in for it now, Tony.

338. Ha!

339. Only joking.

340. Look what I've really written!

341. Come on, let's disseminate with a screeching competition.

342. Janean Reilly— oh, she'd love a go.

343. Go on, it's easy.

344. I really wouldn't do that now.

345. Seriously, no.

346. So it was a me, Father Promise, and Father Duncan.

347. And yet think, wouldn't you, that someone like Chris Evans

348. would want to hang around with the likes of us.

349. And you'd be right.

350. He didn't want to hang around with us at all.

351. - Ted. - Hm.

352. I'm going mad.

353. Yes, sorry, Noel, but are you not worried about being trapped

354. under that big pile of rocks?

355. Not at all!

356. I have you here to keep me company,

357. and the youth group will be back with help at any moment.

358. They said they were just going to find the tour guide,

359. tell them I was buried under a big pile of rocks,

360. and come right back.

361. That's for tickets to Paraguay.

362. But I liked "The English Patient."

363. Mmm!

364. Very confusing and far fetched and very, very boring.

365. It was my kind of film.

366. Oh, oh, and I liked "The Piano."

367. as well.

368. Did you see Harvey Keitel running around in the nip?

369. Did you see that, Ted?

370. Ted?

371. Ted?

372. I hate leaving Noel, but we're doing

373. him no good sitting around listening to him screech.

374. At least he'll be safe under that big pile of rocks.

375. Let's just get ourselves out and we can worry about Noel then.

376. God, where is this exit?

377. Ah!

378. Ted, me tank top has turned into some sort of woman's bra!

379. What?

380. It's after unraveling.

381. Oh my God, Dougal!

382. We can find our way back with this.

383. You've obviously snagged it on something.

384. If we use this, we can find our way out.

385. Oh, thank God, Dougal!

386. We'll be out in no time!

387. Ted, should you be winding it up like that,

388. or should we now be following it?

389. What?

390. Well, what use will it be when you're finished winding it up?

391. Ah— I don't believe it!

392. Believe it, believe it, believe it, believe it,

393. believe it!

394. I don't believe it!

395. Believe it, believe it, believe it, I don't believe it!

396. Believe it!

397. I don't believe it!

398. I don't believe it!

399. Ah!

400. Oh!

401. Drink!

402. Drink!

403. Drink!

404. Drink!

405. Drink!

406. Drink!

407. Don't do it, Father!

408. I won't let you do it.

409. I know it hurts, but believe me, you're going to thank me for—

410. Oh, thank God.

411. Excuse me, there's someone buried in the caves.

412. He's all right, but I really think you should

413. get somebody in there quickly. Thank you.

414. Please hurry. Come on, Dougal.

415. I want to get away before they rescue him.

416. Come on, Dougal.

417. Relax.

418. The— the food will be here in a minute.

419. Hello?

420. Hello, is that Father Crilly?

421. Yeah, yes, this is him.

422. We've been trying to contact you all night.

423. Do you know a Mrs. Doyle, first name Mrs.--

424. —Doyle?

425. Ah, do I know a Mrs—

426. —Doyle?

427. We do, Ted.

428. Yes, yes, she— she's our housekeeper.

429. Well, I need you to come down to the police station.

430. She's been in a spot of trouble.

431. Now, Mrs. Denine, if there's a fine or anything, I pay it.

432. No, no, no.

433. OK, thank you, Father.

434. Father Hackis!

435. Come on, Dougal.

436. You're not going to be able to eat that.

437. We have to get Mrs. Doyle and Mrs. Denine.

438. And Father Jack out of prison.

439. Come on!

440. I'm very, very sorry.

441. You wouldn't have a lasagna or a chicken curry

442. or something like that.

443. No.

444. OK, well maybe I just have a bag of chips.

445. And could I have a Fanta orange as well, please?

446. Don't you know where you are?

447. This is a police station.

448. Right, um, in that case, I just have the chicken

449. satay and pino rice.

450. I just hope you don't think this type of thing

451. goes on all the time.

452. We're not all criminals and troublemakers in the church,

453. you know.

454. I hope this won't put you off going to mass.

455. I'm a Protestant actually, Father.

456. Really?

457. Ah.

458. It's a straight choice, Father.

459. Either they pay a 200 pound fine or they

460. spend a night in the cells.

461. Well, ah, ah, I wouldn't have that kind of money on me.

462. Maybe in the circumstances, a night in the cells

463. might be the better option.

464. Ted.

465. Shut up, Dougal.

466. - No, Ted. - Dougal, be quiet.

467. - No, I— I was just— - All right, all right!

468. Here, here.

469. Here's your blood money, but just let me say this.

470. There was a time when the police in this country

471. were friends of the church.

472. Drunk driving charges quashed, parking tickets torn up,

473. even a blind eye turned to the odd murder.

474. But now— and you!

475. Are you satisfied?

476. I gave him the money. Toot toot!

477. Why don't you give him the 200 pound you won on the bet?

478. Well, I did! There!

479. Happy?

480. Once again, you've made me look like a complete idiot

481. in front of real people.

482. Thank you so much.

483. Right, to be honest, Ted, I forgot you had the money.

484. I was just going to say your fly is open.

485. God, Dougal, what did I say?

486. There's always trouble when we go to the mainland.

487. I— I must make a note of never ever going back there again

488. unless it's completely unavoidable,

489. which it isn't, unfortunately.

490. I don't believe it!

491. Fat bottomed girls, they make

492. the rocking world go round!