Father Ted 3x2

Ted gets mixed up in a web of intrigue and double-cross when he bets the Parochial House heating budget on Chris, the burping sheep. The lads bring Chris to stay at the house in an attempt to improve his chances at 'King of the Sheep 98', but can Ted quell his burping in time for the great day?

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!req Father Ted 3x2 [Father Ted 3x2]
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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hello, Fargo.

2. Ah, hello.

3. You have Chris looking great for the competition.

4. Thanks, lads.

5. Ah Father Crilly, hello there.

6. Fargo.

7. How's the champ?

8. Ah he's great.

9. Few quid on him this year, father?

10. I'll put the entire annual heating allowance on him

11. to win.

12. If he doesn't win, what does that mean, Father?

13. Well, we won't have any heating.

14. But if the rest of the year stays as warm as the summer,

15. we're laughing.

16. it's Chris, he's the champ, talk about a safe bet.

17. Giant, have you heard about this creature

18. going around terrorizing sheep on the island?

19. No.

20. Tell me more.

21. They say it's as big as a jaguar.

22. The car?

23. No, the big cat thing.

24. And its face is all teeth, big white teeth as sharp as nails.

25. Has it killed yet?

26. No, but it's only a matter of time.

27. I hope It doesn't get any of my sheep.

28. No man's sheep is safe.

29. Oh dear.

30. Oh.

31. Oh.

32. Oh.

33. Oh.

34. Oh.

35. Oh.

36. Oh.

37. Oh.

38. Oh.

39. Has it killed yet?

40. No, but it's only a matter of time.

41. Big white teeth has sharp as nails.

42. Dougal, give the album arrest now.

43. Ah, come on, Ted, it's brilliant.

44. I think people will soon give up listening

45. to pop music and listen to this type of thing instead.

46. You know, from what I hear in the charts

47. today I'm not sure if that's not happening already.

48. What?

49. This is so good though, Ted, isn't it?

50. They've got all kinds of things.

51. As if by magic, I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks.

52. Or take you on a trip into darkest Africa.

53. Or bring you into a spooky castle on a stormy night.

54. Oooooh.

55. Ooooh.

56. Hello, Craggy Island Parochial House,

57. father Ted Crilly speaking.

58. Father.

59. Fargo?

60. Father, can you come over here quick?

61. Certainly, Fargo.

62. What seems to be the—

63. I have to go out, Dougal, there's

64. something off with Fargo Boyle.

65. Mrs. Doyle, you all right?

66. You look terrible, doesn't she Dougal?

67. Awful, Ted.

68. I didn't get much sleep, Father.

69. I kept thinking I heard this terrible howling noise.

70. Oh, that'd be the beast.

71. What's this now?

72. There's something terrible on the moors, Father.

73. Moors?

74. We don't have any moors.

75. Well then there's something terrible roaming

76. around the place where normally that would be moors, Father.

77. They think it might be a kind of giant fox.

78. Dougal.

79. Sorry.

80. Ted, it couldn't be Jack, could it?

81. You could see how someone might mistake him for a big mad cat.

82. Don't forget, Dougal, during leap years

83. Father Jack is very much affected

84. by the changing of the seasons.

85. For a short while, a marvelous serenity enters his life

86. and he is at one with nature.

87. He's great when he's in the mood.

88. If only it lasted a bit longer.

89. I'd better go and make some tea.

90. Dougal, I told you to turn off that record.

91. But it is off.

92. What do you mean Chris isn't in the competition?

93. He's the champ, you have to enter him.

94. All this talk of the beast has got to him,

95. his nerves are shot.

96. I took a photo of him this morning.

97. Nerves? I mean, Fargo, it's a sheep.

98. He always had a very artistic temperament, Father.

99. But I mean, he's not a concert pianist, he's a sheep.

100. I don't see how—

101. oh my God.

102. I mean, when you compare it with what

103. he looked like last year.

104. It's like two completely different sheep.

105. He's off his food, he's not sleeping,

106. and he's started to burp.

107. What am I going to do.

108. Fargo, pull yourself together.

109. Chris needs you now more than he's ever needed you.

110. Come on, I want to see him.

111. He doesn't want to see anybody, Father.

112. Fargo, that's an order.

113. Take me to see Chris the unhappy sheep.

114. God, Dougal, you should have seen him,

115. he's just a shadow of a sheep.

116. I'm not surprised, Ted, if I was a sheep I'd

117. be watching my back right now.

118. Why?

119. Because of the beast.

120. They say it's as big as four cats

121. and it's got a retractable leg so's

122. it can leap up at you better.

123. And do you know what, Ted?

124. It lights up at night.

125. And it's got four ears, two of them are for listening

126. and the other two are kind of back up ears.

127. Are it's claws are as big as cups and for some reason,

128. it's got a tremendous fear of stamps.

129. Mrs. Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail

130. so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you.

131. And instead of a mouth, it's four asses.

132. Dougal, it's a legend, it doesn't exist.

133. Right Ted, the way The Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist.

134. The Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist.

135. Look, I'm not going to get into this what does exist

136. and what doesn't exist debate again, OK?

137. But I'm going to have to insist you add those last two

138. examples to the chart. - But Ted—

139. Dougal.

140. No I'm more worried about that bet I put on Chris

141. becoming King of the Sheep.

142. You don't think he'll win, then?

143. No burping sheep has ever won it.

144. What about Big Brendan in 1983?

145. Fluke.

146. Anyway, it's just a heating budget.

147. And look what the weather news says.

148. Ted, that's last year's weather news.

149. What?

150. This is this year's.

151. Oh no.

152. I'll have to go and see if John and Mary will let

153. me take my money back tomorrow.

154. I might go down with you, see if they've

155. got another sound effects album, volume five.

156. Fair enough.

157. Good night then, Dougal.

158. I bet Some of his ears are on the inside of his head.

159. And when he yawns it sounds like Liam

160. Neeson chasing a load of hens around inside of barrel.

161. Hello, Fargo.

162. And he doesn't have any eyebrows at all

163. except on Saturdays.

164. And you can stay in there until

165. you learn some feckin' manners.

166. bastard.

167. And I've thrown away the key.

168. How do you like that, huh?

169. Hello, John.

170. Hello Father Crilly, hello Father McGuire.

171. Where's Mary?

172. Oh, she's aware that her mother's.

173. No.

174. Is there someone in the cupboard?

175. Hello, Fathers.

176. Mary?

177. Oh, Mary, I forgot you were there.

178. I thought you were at your mother's.

179. No, I didn't go to my mother's after all.

180. I'm in the cupboard.

181. Mary, what are you doing in there?

182. Oh, I know.

183. It's because of this beast of Craggy Island thing.

184. I thought that Mary would be safer in the cupboard.

185. That's right, I'm better off here.

186. What can I do you for, Father?

187. Well, a pack of 20 ..

188. Certainly, Father.

189. I'll get them, love, you stay in the cupboard.

190. John, can I have a word?

191. Is Father McGuire there?

192. I am.

193. Hello, Mary.

194. Lovely day, isn't it, Father?

195. Oh yes.

196. You're looking great, anyway.

197. I'm sorry, Father, a bet's a bet.

198. It's just that if the girl doesn't have the operation,

199. she won't be able to fetch water for her village.

200. I am sorry, Father.

201. It's a pity you didn't wait, though, the odds

202. have lengthened to 20 to 1 on account

203. of Chris's nervous troubles.

204. Anyway, your cigarettes.

205. Thanks.

206. Ted, they don't have the sound effects album.

207. We might as well just go.

208. Bye Fathers.

209. Bye.

210. Bye

211. Well, I hope you're satisfied.

212. Ah, shut up.

213. Look, there's Giant Reid.

214. Hello, Giant.

215. What are you thinking about there, Ted?

216. You should see the big serious look in your face.

217. I can't see Chris winning this competition, Dougal.

218. Ted, it's pointless even thinking about it,

219. you're only wasting your time.

220. There's nothing we can do about the situation.

221. We just have to accept the fact and that's that.

222. How about we bring Chris over here for a while?

223. Maybe the change will do him good?

224. Oh wow, brilliant.

225. I knew there was something we could.

226. Didn't I say it?

227. Didn't I say it to you there just a second ago?

228. No.

229. No you didn't.

230. You said the exact opposite.

231. There was absolutely nothing we could do.

232. Actually, Ted, you've done this to me

233. before so I took the liberty of taping the conversation.

234. Now, if we just have a listen.

235. Ted, it's pointless even thinking about it,

236. you're only wasting your time.

237. There's nothing we can do about the situation.

238. We've just got to accept the fact and that's that.

239. I stand corrected.

240. Ah, there he is now, anyway.

241. I'm still not sure about this now, Father.

242. Don't worry, Fargo, by the next time you see him,

243. he'll be a new sheep.

244. If not, we'll make him into a jumper and a few chops.

245. I'm terribly sorry.

246. That was just tasteless.

247. I am terribly, terribly sorry.

248. I'll be off then.

249. OK.

250. And, seriously, if there's one place he' can

251. be sure of peace and quiet—

252. I think it would be an insult to you

253. if I finished that sentence.

254. You're up early, Father.

255. Ah, yes.

256. We're off to try and get Chris into shape for the competition.

257. Do you think would our new guest

258. like a cup of tea, Father?

259. The little sheep fellow.

260. I don't think they drink tea, Mrs. Doyle,

261. not unless you have some special sheep tea.

262. Yes.

263. What?

264. I do have some sheep tea in the kitchen.

265. Right, well, give him— give him some of that, then.

266. OK so.

267. God, Ted, it's nearly midday.

268. Did we have to get up this early?

269. Has to be done, Dougal.

270. We've got to get Chris from looking

271. like this to looking like this.

272. His

273. Hello, Father.

274. Did you— is he—

275. I'm sorry.

276. We tried everything.

277. Ah well, I suppose I better take him home.

278. Ah-ha.

279. Ah-ha, gotcha.

280. What'd you do?

281. What'd you do?

282. Just did my best.

283. I don't know what to say.

284. Father, can I buy you a drink to celebrate?

285. Oh, all right.

286. Dougal, you mind Chris till we get back

287. and don't let him wander off.

288. Keep an eye on him.

289. And keep that front door closed. - OK, Ted.

290. He's the best feckin' sheep ever.

291. Little sheep face.

292. And you have to say it,

293. Really?

294. He only cost 23 pounds, 23.

295. There's some clause where I have to pay more if his image is

296. ever used on stamps.

297. But still, a great bargain for such a happy sheep.

298. Is that?

299. Yeah.

300. Is he wearing a crown.

301. Very good, yes.

302. Good-bye.

303. Dougal, I noticed that the front door is wide open.

304. Oh it is, yes, Ted.

305. And I see that we are currently sheepless.

306. Oh.

307. Dougal, I told you to keep the front door closed.

308. Now just hold it there, Ted.

309. Don't let him wander off, keep an eye on him

310. And keep that front door—

311. What's that?

312. The beast, come on.

313. How will we know which way to go?

314. Sheep, like all wool bearing animals,

315. instinctively travel north where it's colder

316. and they won't be so stuffy.

317. So we have to go north.

318. Which way is north?

319. I don't know.

320. Quick.

321. It seems to be coming from all around us.

322. The Sioux Indians in the Arizona desert

323. used to be able to pinpoint exact location of Buffalo

324. by gauging the position of the moon

325. and putting their ears to the ground.

326. Actually Ted, maybe the sound is coming from that stereo.

327. Ted, it's Chris.

328. Is he all right.

329. He's fine.

330. He must have realized it was just a big stereo

331. hanging from a tree.

332. Let's bring him home, Dougal.

333. I think I'm beginning to figure out what's been going on.

334. Well, it's been an easy decision.

335. There's one out and out winner and rather them waste time

336. with a speech, I get on with the job of announcing the winner

337. who today has come first in this competition to see who

338. the winner is in the King of the Sheep competition

339. that we have all come to today wondering

340. who, indeed, will it be who wins the prize of King of the Sheep.

341. The winner of this year's King of the Sheep competition is—

342. Stop.

343. What is the meaning of this?

344. This competition is a sham and a fraud and a sham.

345. How dare you?

346. There has been a deliberate and scurrilous

347. attempt to sabotage this high profile sheep competition.

348. Those responsible are in this very room.

349. Giant Reid and Hud Hastings.

350. Fuckin' hell.

351. You better have something to back that up with, Father.

352. Oh, I do, I do.

353. You were the ones who constantly chattered

354. of the so-called Beast of Craggy Island

355. always within hearing distance of Chris the sheep.

356. Fargo, how's the champion.

357. And it was you who used the copy of "BBC's

358. Sound Effects, Volume Five" to add weight

359. to those fanciful claims.

360. Create An impressionable sheep could not help

361. but be convinced by the late night howlings

362. of terrible monster type A.

363. Is this true?

364. Well, well, well.

365. What a pretty picture father Crilly has painted.

366. How dare you bring shame on this celebration of sheep.

367. Don't be too hard on them—

368. sorry I don't know your name.

369. Allen.

370. Don't be too hard on them, Allen.

371. They were simply pawns.

372. The real villain and this piece has yet to be revealed.

373. Fargo Boyle.

374. What?

375. Fuckin' hell.

376. That's nonsenses.

377. Not I'll just go now and take my trophy.

378. It was you who was disappointed at the poor odds

379. Chris was receiving, you who planned to manipulate

380. those odds by sabotaging your own sheep

381. and then staging a miraculous recovery

382. on the day of the competition.

383. You who paid Giant and Hud to talk about the beast

384. in front of Chris.

385. Ah Hud, Giant, hello there.

386. But you didn't count on the vanity of your accomplices

387. who used their new found wealth to buy a fur coat and a crown.

388. And it was you who bought the BBC

389. sound effects record just before Father Dougal had a chance to.

390. You gave the sheep to me knowing that as a priest

391. with an intuitive understanding of sheep,

392. I could nurse him back to health.

393. You, you, you.

394. Chris, Chris, it's not true, it's not true.

395. No, no, no, don't look at me, don't look at me.

396. Should I call the police, Father?

397. No.

398. He's lost the trust of his sheep,

399. that's punishment enough for a farmer

400. who deals primarily with sheep.

401. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a bit of a stench in here

402. and I need some fresh air.

403. One thing, Ted, if Chris has been disqualified,

404. doesn't that mean you've lost the heating

405. allowance money on the bet?

406. I know it's a radical step, Dougal,

407. but it is very, very cold.

408. See you in three months, then, Ted.

409. Actually, better go to the toilet first.