Father Ted 2x9

Directed by Declan Lowney

Declan Mulholland as Shouting Priest • Brendan Grace as Father Fintan Stack • Fred Ridgeway as Father Ken Dillon • Noel Slattery as Father Rory Shanahan • Fidelma Meehan as Sister Monica

After discovering Father Jack is suffering yet again(!) from "hairy hand syndrome," Ted is delighted to send Jack, by "doctor's orders," to St. Clabberts Old Folks Home (otherwise known as 'Jurassic Park'). Unfortunately, Jack's replacement happens to be one of the nastiest priests ever - Father Fintan Stack. Along with his disregard for the church, Stack has a rather irritating habit of playing jungle music loudly at 3 o'clock in the morning, and a plan is hatched to get Jack back to sort out Stack.

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1. And it's Divorce Referendum in the lead,

2. followed by Glory Be to God.

3. Glory Be to God nipping into Divorce Referendum's heels.

4. Glory Be to God creeps ahead of Divorce Referendum.

5. Aw, come on, Divorce Referendum!

6. Come on, Divorce Referendum!

7. Divorce referendum is way in front.

8. Yes!

9. Divorce Referendum

10. is speeding towards victory! - Yes, yes!

11. Oh, no!

12. Disaster for Divorce Referendum as he

13. turns in the opposite direction and simply runs off the course!

14. Oh, flip!

15. You flipping, flipping, flipper!

16. Oh, it's the knackers yard for you, pal!

17. INTERVIEWER (ON So what role

18. do you see the Church assuming?

19. Hello, Ted.

20. What are you listening to?

21. Oh, it's, um, just a program about the Church and, you know,

22. God and so on.

23. Oh, right.

24. Right.

25. Where's Father Jack, Dougal?

26. Where's Father Jack?

27. Yes.

28. Father Jack, where is he?

29. He's in his—

30. oh.

31. Um—

32. You've lost him again, haven't you?

33. I have Ted, yeah.

34. You took him out for a walk, and you lost him—

35. again.

36. That must have been what happened, all right.

37. Yeah.

38. So what have you got to say for yourself?

39. Well, Ted, like I said the last time,

40. it won't happen again.

41. Dougal, are you not going to go look for him?

42. Ah, Ted, he'll come back on his own.

43. Sure, what's the worst that can happen to him?

44. Well, he could have an accident and be killed.

45. Oh.

46. Uh, wait a second, Ted.

47. Is that not Jack there?

48. Ah, Dougal, you didn't even get him out the door, did you?

49. Oh.

50. I though the wheelchair felt a bit lighter today, all right.

51. Yeah.

52. Come on.

53. Help me get him up.

54. Dougal, take off his gloves there.

55. Right so, Ted.

56. Ted—

57. Mhm.

58. Ted, they're not gloves.

59. Ah, they're very hairy hands all together, aren't they?

60. What do you think is wrong with him?

61. I don't know.

62. Do you remember that time his head went septic?

63. Yes.

64. I mean, I didn't think a whole head could go septic.

65. I mean, a whole head, you know.

66. Ah, but that's Jack for you.

67. Anyway, I better look in the book.

68. Right.

69. Hold his hand up there, Dougal.

70. Well, he got up to stage four after drinking that brake fluid

71. the last time.

72. I think this could be a stage six.

73. Hello to the lot of yous.

74. Hello, Mrs. Doyle.

75. Ah, would you look at him there with his hairy hands.

76. Yes, um, we're going to have to call Dr. Sinnot.

77. He'll know what to do.

78. I had to go to him myself a couple of weeks ago.

79. Really? Oh, I didn't know you were ill.

80. What was the trouble?

81. Well, it was a bit of a woman's problem.

82. I was having a bit of trouble—

83. Right!

84. I better ring him before it's too late.

85. Right.

86. So it's the hairy hands.

87. Yes.

88. A stage six?

89. It looks like it, yeah.

90. I'll get ready upstairs.

91. Ted, why is Jack so scared of doctors?

92. Well, I—

93. I think they remind them of illness.

94. He doesn't like to think about his own mortality, you know.

95. That's why he always hating visiting the sick.

96. Oh God, yeah.

97. He hates the sick.

98. And the poor.

99. He hates the poor, as well.

100. The poor really got on his nerves.

101. Yeah. And the needy.

102. Them as well.

103. What was it he used to say about the needy?

104. He had a term for them. Uh—

105. A shower of bastards.

106. That was it.

107. Anyway, Dougal, when we bring the doctor in,

108. just behave completely normal.

109. Just pretend like he's a normal visitor.

110. We don't want Jack to suspect that anything's up, OK?

111. Right, doctor?

112. Ready to go in? All right, in you go.

113. Remember, completely normal.

114. So it's off to St. Clabbert's again, doctor?

115. Yes.

116. And the way I see it, it's more for your sake than for his.

117. That hair thing can be very contagious.

118. How long do you think they'll have him?

119. Hard to say.

120. Could be for a while.

121. Actually, Father, you should be prepared.

122. It might be better for his own sake if he doesn't come back.

123. Great!

124. I mean, oh no.

125. We'll just have to grin and bear it, I suppose.

126. I'll try to break it to him gently.

127. Thanks, doctor.

128. Yes!

129. Wahey!

130. Father Jack, do you remember that great

131. time you had at St. Clabbert's?

132. Remember all the fun you had with those nuns

133. fussing about you?

134. Hm?

135. Well, Dr. Sinnot thinks another spell there

136. would do you a world of good.

137. OK, it might mean giving up the odd glass of sherry or two,

138. but you're— that's all for your own good.

139. I think you'll have a fantastic time.

140. It'll probably be just one big laugh with all

141. those nuns fussing all time— Father?

142. Father?

143. Where— where's he gone?

144. God, Ted, how did the surgeon catch Father Jack at all?

145. Well, Dougal, he's an elderly priest

146. driving a Flymo at two miles per hour around a small island.

147. I mean, how hard could it be?

148. Oh, right.

149. God, anyway, he's up there at St. Clabbert's now.

150. God, Ted, it's weird, isn't it, the way

151. you get used to something.

152. I mean, it seems like only yesterday

153. that he was here shouting at us and drinking his head off.

154. Dougal, it was yesterday.

155. Yeah, but, you know, that's why I

156. said it seemed like yesterday.

157. Right, because it was yesterday.

158. Yeah.

159. Anyway, what time are Father Rory and Father

160. Ken coming on Wednesday?

161. About 6:00.

162. 6 o'clock?

163. Yes.

164. Right.

165. Good, good.

166. Actually, it's just as well Jack's not here.

167. He can get very irritable around strangers.

168. That was the thing about Jack, very bad around strangers.

169. And people he knew.

170. Yes, very bad around strangers and people he knew.

171. Anyway, night, Dougal.

172. Night, Ted.

173. Aw, damn.

174. Aw—

175. No, no, Dougal, it's not morning.

176. I just switched on the light again to wind the clock.

177. Oh, right. Sorry about that, Ted.

178. Hello there, uh—

179. Father— Father— who are you?

180. Who are you?

181. Father Ted Crilly.

182. Very pleased to meet you.

183. Oh.

184. What's this?

185. Oh, I see.

186. It's from the Bishop.

187. Right.

188. I see you're taking Father Jack's place.

189. Well, this is a surprise.

190. Has Mrs. Doyle shown you around the house?

191. Well, anyway, welcome to Craggy Island.

192. The meals are 11:00, 1:00, half 2:00,

193. 3:00, 5:00, 7:00, and 9:00.

194. And if you ever want a quick snack,

195. you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there.

196. No, uh— no, actually— that's actually mine.

197. Well, you— you go ahead there and have it anyway.

198. Dougal, this is Father Fintan Stack.

199. He'll be staying with us now that Father Jack's gone.

200. Oh, right.

201. Yeah.

202. This is the brains of the operation?

203. Ah, no, that would be Ted.

204. I want to listen to some music.

205. Oh, go ahead there.

206. I wasn't asking for permission.

207. So, um— what do you think of Father Stack?

208. Well— um—

209. It says, in his note from the Bishop,

210. that they, uh— they never really

211. found suitable parish for him.

212. He's not a very nice man, is he?

213. God, Ted, I've never met anyone like him anyway.

214. Who would he be like, Hitler or one of those mad fellas?

215. Oh, worse than Hitler.

216. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock

217. in the morning.

218. God, he always makes Jack seem normal.

219. You know, he nearly does.

220. Right.

221. Carry on.

222. What I was going to say is, you'd almost sort of

223. miss Father Jack, wouldn't you?

224. He had his funny little ways.

225. But you know, whenever he'd hit you

226. or whatever, he'd never do it out of spite.

227. He'd only do it because, you know,

228. he thought it was funny or whatever.

229. I suppose when you think about it now, it was sort of funny,

230. wasn't it, Ted?

231. Remember that time he gave you a big kick up the B-O-T-T-Y?

232. And you remember, Ted— you remember when you were

233. bending over him, and, uh— - Yeah.

234. —and he held your nose so tight that

235. you had to open your mouth, and then

236. he dropped a big spider in it.

237. No, that wasn't funny, Dougal.

238. It was funny when he kicked you up the arse.

239. It wasn't funny when put the spider in my mouth.

240. Ah, it was, Ted.

241. No, it wasn't, Dougal.

242. Ah, Ted.

243. Dougal!

244. Anyway.

245. He's gone now.

246. It's funny how, you know, you miss someone's little ways.

247. God.

248. I've had enough.

249. It sounds like someone drilling holes in a wall or something.

250. I'm going to have a word.

251. Careful now.

252. Right. Come on.

253. I think he's gone out.

254. What's up with you at all, Ted?

255. Ted's gone mad.

256. Lead on, Mad Ted.

257. Shh!

258. Right.

259. Coast is clear.

260. Father Jack's not here.

261. No, he has the hair thing again.

262. He's up in Jurassic Park.

263. Oh, right.

264. Oh, right, St. Clabbert's.

265. Father Walton's up there, I hear.

266. - Sherry all right? - Lovely.

267. Did you know Father Coogan at all, Ted?

268. Ooh.

269. Oh, yes, Father Tom Coogan.

270. Wasn't he in Africa for a while?

271. He was, and he was with Father Shortall in that load.

272. Then he was back in Witlow for about a year.

273. I think Windy Shepherd Henderson was his parish priest

274. when he was there.

275. Is that Windy Bishop Shepherd Henderson that was in Tralee

276. with Larry Buckley?

277. No, that's a different Windy Shepherd Henderson.

278. There's about four of them.

279. Oh, at least.

280. One of them was with Father Daley in Chicago.

281. Father Daley from Colonus.

282. Wasn't he the first man on the scene when

283. Malcolm X was assassinated?

284. No, that was Father Burke.

285. Father Daley used to have the lump on the side of his head

286. in the shape of Connaught.

287. Ah, yeah.

288. Like Father Caroline there.

289. He lost the use of his ears in an accident.

290. He's deaf?

291. No, no, he just lost the use of his ears.

292. He used to be able to wiggle them.

293. Remember Father O'Reilly?

294. Isn't he in Clare now?

295. They had to move him there after he owned

296. up to that O.J. Simpson thing.

297. Father Bigley from Ardee does his wedding, I think.

298. Father Bigley?

299. Is he not dead now?

300. No, no, he always just looked dead.

301. Ted, did you say father Larry Duff was coming?

302. Oh, God.

303. I better give him a call.

304. I hope he can make it.

305. Larry is tremendous fun.

306. Oh!

307. No, he must have turned off.

308. God, I wonder where Dougal's gone to.

309. Come on, Ted.

310. Shall we watch the sports video?

311. Oh, yes.

312. Come on, Ted.

313. Ah, here's the lads.

314. And away they go.

315. And look at your man at the back.

316. Oh look.

317. Oh this is the big job.

318. Oh, I remember this.

319. Oh, get up!

320. Oh, ah, Mrs. Doyle!

321. Oh!

322. Doesn't she look great on the telly?

323. She's wearing the hat for a bet.

324. I'd say so.

325. Oh, here's Bucking Bronco.

326. Or Hopalong Cassidy.

327. Oh, here's the champ.

328. Ah, fair play.

329. Fair play to him.

330. Fair play to him.

331. Hooray!

332. What are we watching?

333. We're looking at the sports day.

334. Lots of young fellas running around in shorts.

335. That's the kind of thing you like looking at.

336. And I bet you like that too, only

337. you're probably imagining what they'd

338. look like without shorts.

339. You're sitting there imagining that

340. with a big smile on your face.

341. You dirty fecker.

342. Father Stack, if you're trying to embarrass us,

343. you're not succeeding.

344. Yes, I am.

345. Well, I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.

346. If you ever say that to me again,

347. I'll put your head through the wall.

348. Dougal, where did you go to?

349. Ted!

350. How are ya!

351. Dougal, what the—

352. Guess what, Ted?

353. What?

354. What?

355. Dougal, have you been drinking.

356. I have, Ted.

357. I've been drinking like mad eejit.

358. No. No.

359. Wait. Wait.

360. No, I haven't.

361. Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.

362. Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted.

363. Come here, Teddy, Teddy, Ted.

364. You're my best friend.

365. God, I love being a priest.

366. We're all going to heaven, lads.

367. Wahey!

368. Perhaps I should explain.

369. Your little friend and I were enjoying

370. ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.

371. Oh, well, that is the last straw.

372. I'm driving.

373. I'm driving home.

374. I'm perfectly capable.

375. By the way, I got the keys to your car,

376. and I drove it into a big wall.

377. If you don't like it, tough.

378. I had my fun, and that's all that matters.

379. Ted, I can see up your trousers.

380. Right. Well, that's it.

381. I thought giving alcohol to Dougal was the last straw,

382. but I must have been wrong.

383. That must have only been the second last straw,

384. because this is definitely the last bit of straw left and—

385. basically, what I'm saying is there is no more straw left.

386. Ted, it's a little late.

387. Yeah.

388. So I really think we should go.

389. No, you don't have to go.

390. I think we should.

391. Woo!

392. Buy, girls.

393. Pair of wankers. - Oh!

394. Right, that's it.

395. Come on, Dougal.

396. I think we've had quite enough of Father

397. Stacks company for one evening.

398. To the pub, Ted.

399. Hey, Ted, what's going on?

400. We're going to kidnap Jack from St. Clabbert's.

401. Kidnapping?

402. Wow!

403. What do we get for him?

404. Shut up, Dougal.

405. You ready? - I'm with you, Ted.

406. Right so, let's go then.

407. Hello?

408. This is a bit mad, Ted. - Shh!

409. Why don't we just ask the nuns to give him back?

410. Because Dr. Sinnot

411. said he's sick and old, and moving him might be dangerous.

412. Anyway, I got a second opinion.

413. Who from?

414. Mrs. Doyle.

415. Ted, I'm not sure if this is a good idea.

416. I mean, kidnapping.

417. It's not kidnapping.

418. It's just we're bringing him back home to where he belongs.

419. It's like "Lassie Come Home," except with Father

420. Jack as Lassie.

421. Who are we then?

422. What?

423. I don't know, the other people in the film.

424. You're— you're Roddy McDowell and I'm—

425. Liz Taylor.

426. Right, that's fine, Ted.

427. I just wanted to get that straight in me head.

428. Right, let's go.

429. Right.

430. Come on, Dougal.

431. I'm right behind you, Ted.

432. Dougal, shut up, will you!

433. We have to keep it quiet. Right.

434. Look— look around there, see if there's

435. a light switch somewhere.

436. What's all that noise?

437. Quick, Dougal, here.

438. Calm down, all of you!

439. Some people are trying to get some sleep!

440. Arse! Feck!

441. Oh!

442. Dougal, that's not father Jack.

443. Hello, Father Walton.

444. Feck off!

445. Will he not do, Ted?

446. No, I—

447. I don't think so, no.

448. A stage 12.

449. I never thought I'd see one.

450. Ah, Ted, can we not keep him? No.

451. Come on.

452. Let's get Father Jack.

453. You got the torch, Dougal?

454. Yes. - Arse!

455. - Feck! - Drink!

456. Girls!

457. - Drink! - Girls!

458. - Drink! - Feck!

459. Arse!

460. Girls!

461. I really shouldn't be here.

462. - Drink! - Drink!

463. - Drink! - Drink!

464. Drink! Feck!

465. Arse! Girls!

466. Drink!

467. Drink!

468. Drink!

469. Drink!

470. Drink!

471. Drink!

472. All right, Father. Drink!

473. All right. All right.

474. Drink! All right.

475. Drink! Drink!

476. Drink!

477. Drink!

478. Drink!

479. Drink!

480. Drink!

481. Drink!

482. Try upstairs, Father.

483. Jumping on my picture again, Father.

484. Yeah.

485. You've got a problem with that?

486. No, none at all.

487. Go ahead enjoy yourself.

488. What was all that noise?

489. Ah, that's father Jack.

490. He's the fellow you replaced.

491. Well, tell him to get lost.

492. I'm here now.

493. I thought you might like the pleasure

494. of telling him that yourself.

495. I thought you might also like to tell them

496. what happened to his whiskey.

497. I think I'll let him fill you in himself.

498. Oh, I'm supposed to be scared, is that it?

499. Drink!

500. Listen to that, Dougal.

501. I don't hear anything.

502. That's what I mean, the sound of silence.

503. No, I still don't hear anything.

504. What I was going to say to you is, Ted,

505. I'm very sorry that I didn't disinfect Jack's

506. chair like you told me to.

507. I mean, it's probably all my fault

508. that lad got the hair thing.

509. Oh.

510. Don't worry about it.

511. I'm sure he's fine now that he's up in Jurassic Park.

512. Best place for him, really.

513. Keep him out of trouble.

514. Anyway, how are you getting on in there, Father?

515. Hm?

516. It's a great little invention, isn't it?

517. And you won't have to go back to St. Clabbert's.

518. Drink!

519. Drink!

520. Anyway, time for bed.

521. Come on, Dougal.

522. Drink!

523. Drink!

524. Drink!

525. Drink!

526. Drink!

527. Drink!

528. Drink!

529. Drink!

530. Drink!

531. Drink!

532. Fathers, calm down, please.

533. Calm down.

534. Wait— oh!

535. Someone step in there.

536. Please, no.

537. Stop that.

538. That really is not—

539. You're ruining it.

540. Sister, yes, could you just step in there?

541. Come on now. Break it up.

542. Break it up. Come on.

543. Break it up. Put that down.

544. Put that down.

545. Night, Fathers!