Father Ted 2x5

Directed by Declan Lowney

Don Wycherley as Father Cyril MacDuff • Peter Caffrey as Charles Hedges • Jon Kenny as Michael Cocheese • Maurice O'Donoghue as Father Dick Byrne • Neil Hannon as Father Ted Crilly (singing voice)

Fathers Ted and Dougal enter A Song For Europe with My Lovely Horse. The tune is stolen from the b-side of a Norwegian song that didn't even win A Song For Norway but the lyrics are all their own work. Somehow they get through to Eurovision and score.... nil points.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Dee de de de.

2. La, la la, la.

3. Dee dee de di dee di dee—

4. Ted, have you seen my record collection?

5. Your record collection?

6. Yeah.

7. Here it is.

8. And Dougal, you need more than one record

9. to have a collection.

10. What you have is a record.

11. All right.

12. Yeah.

13. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

14. Da, da, da, da, da, da, dum—

15. You know, you have a beautiful voice, Father.

16. No, I don't really.

17. No, you do.

18. It's gorgeous.

19. Thanks very much.

20. I don't think I've ever heard anything

21. more beautiful in all my life.

22. Go on, sing something else.

23. No, I don't normally do requests.

24. Ah, go on now.

25. Please.

26. OK.

27. I love Paris in the springtime,

28. I love Paris in the fall. - No.

29. No, I didn't like that one so much.

30. No, I was a bit disappointed with that one, to be honest.

31. Yes, thank you Mrs. Doyle.

32. That wasn't very good at all.

33. - Yes.

34. I mean, I used to love that song,

35. but that version was catastrophic.

36. Well, tell you what, Mrs. Doyle,

37. I won't book Carnegie Hall just yet.

38. I don't think they'd let you play Carnegie

39. Hall with a voice like that.

40. Carnegie Hall.

41. Oh, Ted— here's one.

42. How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

43. Practice.

44. What?

45. That's that old joke, isn't it?

46. How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

47. Practice.

48. Huh?

49. Oh, I see.

50. You'd have to go to New York, Dougal.

51. Oh, right.

52. Yeah.

53. Ted,

54. Do you mind if I put on my record?

55. No go ahead.

56. I've got Eurosong fever, Ted.

57. - Yeah? - Oh, God, yeah.

58. I love the Eurosong competition.

59. I just can't wait.

60. What time is it now?

61. Half past one.

62. Half one?

63. And the competition is on in—

64. May.

65. Ted, you know they're looking for entries

66. for this year's competition.

67. - Are they? - Yeah.

68. - Dougal— - Why don't we—

69. Dougal!

70. Ah, come on, Ted.

71. Dougal!

72. Imagine— if we won, we'd be famous.

73. Like Nelson Mandela and his mad wife.

74. No, Dougal.

75. We don't have the time.

76. Anyway, we'd have to write a song.

77. That needs a certain type of person

78. with a very special talent.

79. Cole Porter, George and Ira Gershwin.

80. Chris de Burgh.

81. Not just any old eejit can take up the art

82. of songwriting just like that.

83. Hello, Father Ted Crilly.

84. Hello!

85. Dick Byrne here.

86. Dick.

87. Well, Ted, are you entering this year?

88. What?

89. Eurosong '96.

90. The young fellow has me driven mad here with it.

91. Anyway, we thought we'd enter it this year.

92. Why don't you give it a go, as well?

93. I'm sure you'd win it, Ted.

94. Well, thanks very much for—

95. If all the other contestants were killed!

96. I'm sure we'd do just as well as you would.

97. - No you wouldn't. - Yes we would.

98. - No you wouldn't. - Yes we would.

99. - No you wouldn't. - Yes we would.

100. - No you wouldn't. - Yes we would.

101. - No you wouldn't. - Yes we would.

102. No you wouldn't.

103. Yes we would, yes we would, yes we would!

104. - No you wouldn't times 1,000! - Yes we—

105. Jinx! No come backs!

106. Dougal, get the guitar.

107. But I thought—

108. I said get the guitar!

109. OK, right.

110. What do we write it about?

111. How about a lovely horse?

112. OK.

113. We'll call it "My Lovely Horse" by father Ted Crilly.

114. And Father Dougal McGuire.

115. And Father Dougal McGuire.

116. Right.

117. Here we go.

118. Will we do the lyrics first or we'll be doing the music?

119. Let's do the lyrics and then we can fit the tune around it.

120. Right.

121. Here we go.

122. Maybe we should do the music first.

123. Look, right. Here we go.

124. I like that.

125. Was that all right?

126. Yeah.

127. It was a bit sad. - Good.

128. I'll write it down.

129. I think it was an A minor.

130. I think—

131. I think— I think I have a lyric.

132. Right— lyrics.

133. Go ahead there, Dougal.

134. What's it called again?

135. "My Lovely Horse."

136. Right.

137. How about this?

138. My lovely horse, I want to hold you so tight,

139. I want to rub my fingers through your tail,

140. and love you all night.

141. Dougal, Dougal.

142. Stop there.

143. We want to keep out of the whole area of actually

144. being in love with the horse.

145. Oh, right, right.

146. It's more that we're friends with the horse.

147. That we want to jump around with it and, you know,

148. just have a good laugh it. - Right.

149. What about something like, take this lump of sugar, baby,

150. you know you want it?

151. That would be something like those rap fellows would write.

152. You can forget about them Dougal.

153. Forget about icy tea and and scoopy scoopy dog dog.

154. They are no help to us now.

155. Anyway, we're not moving from here until we finish the song.

156. Ready?

157. Ready, Ted.

158. Let's do it!

159. Dougal, don't take it so seriously.

160. It's just a bit of fun.

161. Just play the note!

162. The first one?

163. No!

164. Not the first one!

165. The is already done!

166. Just play the note you were playing earlier!

167. I've been playing the first one!

168. We have the first one!

169. So I just—

170. Just play the note you were playing there!

171. You were just doing!

172. Play the note!

173. Right.

174. My lovely horse running through the field,

175. where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the wind?

176. I want to shower you with sugar lumps and ride you over fences,

177. I want to polish your hooves every single day,

178. and bring you to the horse dentist.

179. My lovely horse, you're a pony no more,

180. running around with the man on your back

181. like a train in the night— - Wait, wait.

182. I can do this bit.

183. Like a train in the—

184. —night.

185. Well, what do you think in general?

186. Right.

187. Father Jack's right.

188. It's a terrible song. It really is.

189. What were we thinking?

190. Ah, it's not not that bad, Ted.

191. Well, the lyrics are fine.

192. There's no problem there.

193. But it's a terrible tune.

194. It's just the same note over and over again.

195. Look, why don't I put on my favorite Eurosong

196. and maybe that will cheer us up.

197. Yes, that might help.

198. What is it?

199. Uh, it's Nin Huugen and the Huggen Notes.

200. It came fifth in a song for Norway in 1976.

201. That's not too bad, actually.

202. Oh, wait a minute. That's the B-side.

203. I'll turn it over.

204. No. No, no.

205. Leave it. Leave it.

206. It's nice enough, isn't it?

207. Yeah.

208. If only we'd come up with something like that.

209. Dougal, I suppose not many people

210. have actually heard that song.

211. Suppose not.

212. First time I've heard it, anyway.

213. Where are the band now?

214. Oh God, Ted.

215. It's a terrible story.

216. They all died in a plane crash.

217. Including everybody who was involved in the song—

218. the studio engineers, the producer, the manager.

219. And the people who owned the publishing rights?

220. Oh yes.

221. That's terrible.

222. Dougal?

223. Yeah?

224. Wouldn't it be nice to commemorate

225. all those talented people by keeping their music alive?

226. What?

227. Well, suppose we were to borrow that tune

228. for "My Lovely Horse."

229. It would help us out and it would commemorate

230. their memory at the same time.

231. So we wouldn't just be stealing their tune?

232. Oh, no.

233. You'd have to be mad to jump to that conclusion.

234. As they say, we'd just be celebrating their memory.

235. Secretly.

236. Incidentally, don't tell anyone.

237. Oh right.

238. And I suppose if the song wins and we

239. make any money out of it, we could

240. give it to their relatives.

241. Yeah.

242. We'll play that by ear.

243. Na, na na.

244. Di, di, di, di.

245. You know, Dougal, I don't want to jump to any conclusions

246. and get us all excited, but I think

247. we're definitely going to win.

248. Really?

249. Oh great.

250. There'll be lots to think about, you know?

251. Promotional gifts for journalists, American tour

252. dates.

253. Oh, and I suppose a big fly-poster campaign.

254. Oh— and of course, the obligatory video.

255. An obligatory video?

256. Wow!

257. Are priests allowed to be rock stars, though, Ted?

258. Yes, there was a lad at the seminary.

259. Father Benny Cake.

260. He recorded a song and it went to number one in England.

261. - Really? - Yeah.

262. He didn't want people to know he was a priest,

263. so he called himself—

264. what's this he calls himself?

265. Anyway, I think the song was called "Vienna."

266. And why didn't he want people to know he was a priest, Ted?

267. I suppose people thought if you were a priest,

268. you were a bit uncool.

269. That you were a bit of a square.

270. And then we came along.

271. Yeah.

272. Anyway, Dougal, get to sleep.

273. Sweet dreams.

274. My lovely horse, my lovely horse,

275. running through the field

276. Where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the wind?

277. I want to shower you with sugar lumps,

278. and ride you over fences

279. Polish your hooves every single day

280. and bring you to the horse dentist

281. My lovely, lovely, lovely, horse— my lovely horse,

282. my lovely horse,

283. You are a pony no more

284. You're roaming around with a man on your back,

285. Like a train in the night, like a train in the night

286. We have to lose that sax solo.

287. Uh, Mrs. Doyle, I think that's enough makeup on Dougal now.

288. There you go.

289. Good man

290. Hello, uh, Father Crilly.

291. I'm Charles Hedges, your producer for this evening.

292. And this is—

293. You don't have to tell me—

294. Mr. Rickwood.

295. I'm delighted to meet you.

296. I thought you did a brilliant job

297. presenting last year's show.

298. Oh, well, that's the business, like, you know.

299. In and out of doors, like, and giddy-up!

300. - Sorry? - Like the business.

301. Like in and out of doors and giddy up!

302. Ah, yes!

303. On the anniversary, let's shave a bollock.

304. Mm, mm, mm.

305. Hmm.

306. I have to say, he sounded a lot better on last year's show.

307. Oh, once he's on the stage, he's fine.

308. Ah, right.

309. And do you know him a long time?

310. Yes, yes, yes.

311. We've been partners for 10 years.

312. Oh, right.

313. You run the production company together.

314. No, no. No, no.

315. He's my lover.

316. He— He's quite a catch!

317. This is my partner—

318. Father Dougal McGuire.

319. Not my sexual partner!

320. I mean, my partner that I do song with.

321. Yes, well, I guessed that.

322. Of course you did.

323. Not that there's anything wrong with that type of thing.

324. I thought the Catholic church thought that that type of thing

325. was inherently wrong.

326. Yes it does.

327. The whole gay thing, I suppose, is a bit of a puzzle to us all.

328. It must be fun, though.

329. Not the— not the you know, but the nightclubs.

330. And the whole rough and tumble of homosexual activity.

331. You know, having boyfriends when you're a man.

332. Anyway, don't mind what the church thinks.

333. It used to think the Earth was flat.

334. It's like, you know, sometimes the Pope says

335. things he doesn't really mean. You know, we all get things—

336. We all get things wrong— even the Pope.

337. What about papal infallibility?

338. Yes.

339. Is it for everything—

340. the infallibility.

341. Do you know?

342. I don't know.

343. Right, anyhow.

344. Nothing to do me.

345. Anyway, Father, I am really looking forward to your entry.

346. The song! Ha!

347. Ha.

348. The song.

349. Right, oh well, so am I.

350. Do you think we'll win?

351. It's not up to him.

352. It's the public who decide.

353. Not this year.

354. - No? - No.

355. We've decided this year that I'll pick the winner.

356. That old phone-in system wasn't really working.

357. But the song the public's chosen

358. has won Eurosong five years in a row.

359. Yes, but it's quite complicated.

360. And are you looking forward to the show?

361. Oh, yes.

362. We're all thrilled and it's a bit of a novelty,

363. I suppose, you know.

364. Gosh, with us being priests. - Well, not exactly.

365. Because tonight there's a very similar act to yours—

366. Fathers Dick Byrne and Father Cyril MacDuff.

367. Oh, God.

368. I didn't think they'd make it this far.

369. Flip! They'll win, Ted.

370. We might as well give up now.

371. Well, that's a very defeatist attitude, Dougal!

372. Actually it is.

373. Sorry about that, Ted.

374. Ah, but he's right, Ted!

375. Dick.

376. You ready to be beaten, then?

377. I'd say your song is terrible, anyway.

378. Oh no, it's not.

379. It's better than your one, anyway, Ted, you big fool!

380. You take that back!

381. I'll just be leaving.

382. Thanks very much, Charles.

383. See you later.

384. Yes, thanks.

385. I'm sure we'll all have a great time.

386. I will not take it back.

387. I bet we get a million points and I

388. bet you'll get minus 7,000!

389. Oh yeah? How much?

390. How much you bet?

391. Four pounds!

392. Right.

393. You're on!

394. Hold up!

395. That's just us winning.

396. I mean, obviously, the million points

397. is a bit of an exaggeration.

398. All right, yeah.

399. Right, so we're off to win the contest.

400. Ah, seriously, Ted.

401. Even if you don't win the contest,

402. I'm sure your song's a very good one.

403. Really?

404. No!

405. Oh!

406. I really hate Father Dick Byrne!

407. - Good luck tonight, Fred. - Ah, yes.

408. Thanks, right.

409. Let's go.

410. And now, live from the Theater

411. Royal, a song for Ireland.

412. And here is your host, Fred Rickwood!

413. Hello!

414. What a pro.

415. And welcome to the song for Ireland—

416. the contest where we select who will represent

417. Ireland in Eurosong '96.

418. This year, we've got a lot—

419. Look at Dick Byrne over there showing off.

420. He won't be too happy when we win and he comes last.

421. —a long way and I know they're eager to start.

422. So, please, could you put your hands

423. together and welcome on stage Euro

424. hopefuls from Rugged Island—

425. Father Dick Byrne and father Cyril MacDuff!

426. When I was young, I had a dream,

427. And though the dream was very small,

428. It wouldn't leave me.

429. Dougal, Dougal, Dougal!

430. To play the poet of a fool,

431. And now you see me

432. And now, the miracle is mine,

433. And the war begun!

434. And now—

435. I'm going for a fag.

436. Oh God!

437. Dougal!

438. We can't do the song.

439. What's up with you, Ted?

440. I just heard it in the lift— they're piping us in in there.

441. I heard someone whistling it!

442. Well, that's good, isn't it?

443. Shows what a great song it is, Ted.

444. No, no no! They'll know we ripped it off.

445. It must be more famous than we thought.

446. Oh crap, then we'll be found out!

447. What do we do, Ted?

448. Why did this have to happen to us?

449. What did we ever do to deserve this?

450. Now, I've nothing left but time.

451. Still I re—

452. Song's nearly over, Ted.

453. Oh no.

454. I think, Dougal, we'll have to resort to plan B.

455. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!

456. Something else, something else.

457. And now on to our next act.

458. All the way from Craggy Island, could you please

459. welcome Father Ted Crilly and Father Dougal McGuire.

460. My lovely horse running through the field,

461. Where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the wind?

462. I want to shower you with sugar lumps and ride you over fences

463. Polish your hooves every single day

464. and send you to the horse dentist

465. My lovely horse, you're a pony no more

466. Running around with the man on your back,

467. Like a train in the night, like to train in the—

468. hold on, I can get this— night.

469. Well, we did it.

470. Don't ask me how, but we did it.

471. And the answer is really quite simple, Father.

472. Yours was the best song.

473. I suppose so.

474. But you know, I didn't really think that the audience

475. were going for it.

476. Yeah!

477. Yeah.

478. Cheers.

479. Cheers.

480. What's going on?

481. I mean, our song was clearly miles better than theirs!

482. Well, we thought—

483. For God's sake, it was the same note over and over again!

484. Yes, but we admired it's—

485. Yeah, well, it had, you know, there was the old bout

486. of control, flying.

487. Exactly.

488. Fred put it better than I ever could.

489. So there.

490. Anyone would think you wanted Ireland to lose

491. the next Eurosong contest!

492. Nonsense!

493. Why would we want to do that?

494. I don't know.

495. Maybe because it was costing you too much to stage?

496. Oh oh. Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.

497. Now come on.

498. Does that really sound plausible?

499. I think you should just go on now

500. and count your sour grapes before they hatch.

501. Better luck next time.

502. We lost, Cyril.

503. Really?

504. Come on.

505. Anyway, congratulations again, Father.

506. I'm sure you'll do very well in the Eurosong contest.

507. I think we will.

508. Europe— here we come!

509. I think we better sneak them out the back.

510. That's a pretty nasty crowd out there.

511. Thank you, Athens, So that's a total score

512. of 103 for Belgium.

513. Ja!

514. Could we please have the points for Ireland's entry,

515. "My Lovely Horse"?

516. Ireland, no points.

517. Ireland, no points.

518. Ireland, no points.

519. Ireland, no points.

520. Against, Ireland.

521. No points.

522. Ireland, no.

523. Nothing there again.

524. Ireland no points.

525. Yes, that means nothing.

526. Nothing.