Father Ted 2x2

1. All right, Dougal, come on.

2. You can't sit watching television all night,

3. it's a big waste.

4. Chewing gum for the eyes.

5. Uh, no thanks, Ted.

6. Anyway, I've got these crisps here.

7. Look, Ted, this is what I do.

8. I get a cheese and onion one, and a salt and vinegar one,

9. and I eat them in the same go.

10. That leak is getting worse, Dougal.

11. I think we'll have to move himself,

12. and put that bucket under it. - Right.

13. Fair enough, Ted.

14. I'm a happy camper.

15. God Almighty, that's going to cost a fortune to fix.

16. Where are we going to get the money?

17. Think, Dougal. How can we raise some money?

18. Hmm.

19. Yes, I know.

20. Aha.

21. Aha.

22. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

23. I think so, Ted.

24. Yes.

25. Ha-ha.

26. But now wait, I'm not sure.

27. I mean it is a big step, and where

28. are we going to get the guns?

29. What are you talking about?

30. Oh, wait a minute now.

31. Actually, I might have been thinking

32. about something different.

33. You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you?

34. I did, yeah.

35. Well Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film.

36. I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle.

37. What we have as a prize, of?

38. You've got me there, Ted.

39. I think we can get something.

40. Under the rules of the diocese, we're allowed a raffle prize

41. every couple of years.

42. It's stopped, Ted.

43. We have to move him out of here.

44. Where's the thing—

45. the thing for waking him up?

46. Oh, there it is.

47. Father— Father, it's only us.

48. Get your fig!

49. Come on, Father.

50. We're going to have to move you again.

51. !

52. Don't take that, No, it's—

53. Freaking water.

54. And I've been looking up the records,

55. and the island hasn't been given anything

56. to raffle since those two bags of coal in 1964.

57. I think we're entitled under the rules of the diocese.

58. Oh, that'd be great.

59. Oh, that's wonderful.

60. Thank you very much, Your Grace.

61. Yes, thanks again.

62. All right.

63. Bye, Bishop Brennan.

64. Bye.

65. No luck, then?

66. Lots of luck, Dougal.

67. We're being given a car.

68. A car.

69. That's a brilliant prize, Ted.

70. Well, it's not that unusual.

71. Father Finnegan got one last year, you know him?

72. Don't you, Dougal?

73. The dancing priest— dances for peace.

74. Yeah. Is he still going?

75. Oh, yes indeed.

76. He danced across America last year.

77. New York to Los Angeles.

78. He was mugged about once, every 15 miles.

79. Great.

80. We'll have the roof sorted out in no time.

81. Did you hear that, Father?

82. MRS. Cup of tea, Father's?

83. No thanks, Mrs. Doyle.

84. What do you think of her? - Yeah, nice.

85. Are you sure you won't have a cup?

86. It's a prize in our big raffle.

87. Right.

88. Just the drop in your hand, then.

89. Go on inside, Mrs. Doyle. I'll take the tray.

90. All right, Father.

91. I'll put the kettle on in case you want

92. some more, once you get in.

93. Oh, god.

94. Ted, look at that.

95. There's a dent in the car.

96. What?

97. Where's the dent?

98. Just there, Ted.

99. God, how did that happen?

100. It must have been when you hit that fellow on the bike.

101. Don't mention that to anyone, Dougal

102. He was all right, anyway.

103. I saw him getting up.

104. It's not too bad.

105. Sure you can just straighten it up with a top of a hammer.

106. Have a look in that box over there.

107. Whoops.

108. Didn't mean to do that.

109. I'll just tap it the other way.

110. It's no use, Ted.

111. You'll never get it absolutely right.

112. I thought I had it there a while ago, you know?

113. She was looking all right.

114. Like an idiot to keep banging away.

115. You're a perfectionist, Ted.

116. You know, it's not too bad.

117. Let's have another look.

118. No.

119. No, we can't give that away as a prize.

120. Look Ted, why don't you sleep on it?

121. See how you feel in the morning.

122. Maybe you're right.

123. Oh, Jesus, we're dead.

124. Oh, God Almighty.

125. Calm down there, Ted.

126. Now come on.

127. Calm down?

128. Calm down?

129. We've just destroyed a car that's worth seven grand.

130. Come on, Ted. Come on.

131. It'll look much better in the morning.

132. Dougal, you don't understand, we're dead.

133. The bitch will kill us.

134. We're dead. We're dead.

135. We're dead. We're dead.

136. We're dead.

137. Thanks, Dougal.

138. I probably needed that.

139. But don't ever do it again.

140. Now are we going to do?

141. We could run away.

142. No, they'll just find us again.

143. They always do.

144. All right.

145. What about the other fellow that has the car—

146. the Dancing Priest?

147. Finnegan.

148. Yes, and this would be the same type of car and everything.

149. How could we get him to give it to us?

150. Maybe— maybe we could just get a lend of it.

151. Ah, but when somebody wins it in the raffle,

152. they won't want to give it back.

153. Now Dougal, this is going to sound very, very immoral,

154. but stay with me.

155. What if— what if we organized the raffle so that we won it?

156. Then we could bring the car back.

157. Ooh.

158. Ooh.

159. That would be terribly wrong, Ted.

160. I don't think we should do that.

161. It wouldn't be cheating, really.

162. It would just— it would just be a case of structuring

163. the raffle in such a way, that the return

164. comes to the benefactors rather than the beneficiaries.

165. Dougal, seriously, listen.

166. If Bishop Brennan finds out that we wrecked the car,

167. he will kill us.

168. And murder is a terrible, terrible sin, Dougal.

169. So by committing this little sin,

170. we'll actually be saving a Bishop's soul.

171. Fair enough then, Ted.

172. Achoo.

173. Come on, Father.

174. We're off to see the Dancing Priest.

175. Freaking feathered idiot.

176. God's sake.

177. Stuck right here.

178. All right, off we go.

179. God look, at it.

180. It's the same color and all.

181. You mind Jack, here.

182. I won't be a moment.

183. But Ted—

184. Ted?

185. Achoo.

186. Liam.

187. Oh, Ted.

188. Come on in, will you join me?

189. What? Me dance?

190. Oh, no.

191. I'm not much of a dancer now.

192. Come Oh, come on, Ted.

193. Prayer isn't the only way to praise God, you know?

194. And it keeps you fit, as well.

195. All right, then.

196. You said something on the phone

197. about taking a loan at a car.

198. Yes, you'd be doing us a great favor.

199. Oh, don't be silly, just take care of it.

200. Don't give it away in a raffle or something.

201. Ha-ha.

202. Hahaha.

203. And somebody said they saw you on television

204. recently, in a documentary.

205. You were in Belfast or something?

206. That wasn't me.

207. That was a younger fellow, ripped off the idea.

208. Don't like talking about him.

209. Well, I'd better be heading on.

210. Thanks again.

211. Oh, no problem.

212. Bye, Ted.

213. Bingo.

214. No luck then, Ted?

215. Dougal, you'll leave a Mark on the window.

216. Are we there yet?

217. Dougal, It's a long drive, we won't there for awhile.

218. Yes, everything's fine now.

219. Father Tedcules saves the day, once again.

220. How are you doing back there, Father?

221. Achoo.

222. What have you been drinking, Father?

223. It's like acid.

224. Here, try this. This will clear you up.

225. Aren't cars great though, Ted?

226. Look, maybe you should have a rest, Dougal.

227. It's a long drive, you have a little sleep.

228. All righto, Ted.

229. And this is Lazlo St. Pierre, in the night shift,

230. taking you through until three AM.

231. Cock-a-doodle-do.

232. Good morning, listeners.

233. This is John Morgan, on the John Morgan morning show.

234. It's a beautiful day, so let's start

235. off with some Motown magic.

236. Odd.

237. I almost drifted off for a moment there.

238. Oh, yes, we're nearly home.

239. The raffle.

240. Let's go through it again.

241. I filled the hat with a load of tickets,

242. all with the same number on them, say 11.

243. 11, two ones.

244. That's easy to remember, Ted.

245. And then when I'm doing the draw,

246. we'll make sure that you have that number.

247. Right.

248. So we won't have to cheat at all.

249. Well that's actually how we're cheating, Dougal.

250. All right, OK.

251. OK, so let me get this straight, you'll be wearing the hat?

252. No. No, I won't be wearing any hats.

253. The tickets will be in the hat.

254. Gotcha.

255. But you'll put on the hat to give me the signal?

256. I won't be giving you any signals, Dougal.

257. I'll just pull out your ticket and you say, that's my number,

258. and come up and collect the prize.

259. There's a prize, Ted?

260. What is it?

261. The car.

262. Oh, right.

263. Yeah.

264. Here's the sandwiches for tonight.

265. Oh, wait a minute.

266. I forgot to do my test.

267. What test is that, Mrs. Doyle?

268. Well, I select a sandwich at random and try it.

269. And if it doesn't meet my standards,

270. I put the lot of them in the bin.

271. They're fine.

272. Right.

273. So are we all sorted?

274. Oh, rearing to go, Ted.

275. Who's doing the disco?

276. Father Billy O'dwyer.

277. The Spin Master, great.

278. Actually, I can't wait for tonight.

279. I bet I sell a load of tickets.

280. I bet I sell more than you do, Ted.

281. Do you know what this is a bit like?

282. It's a bit like The Sting, and I'm Robert Redford

283. and you're Paul Newman.

284. Testing 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2.

285. Testing, testing, testing—

286. Ground control, to the Spin Master.

287. Oh, Ted.

288. How are you?

289. Fine, fine.

290. God, it's like NASA.

291. How do you keep track of it all?

292. Well Oh, I'm sure it's quite simple, really.

293. You see, here we have the two turntables, which I control

294. from the mixing desk, here.

295. This switch means you can flip between records

296. if you want to get a bit of an old jam going, you know?

297. Well, I tell you I can't wait.

298. What records have you got for us?

299. Records?

300. A bit of the Bee Gees, I supposed.

301. Get them all jumping.

302. Oh, god.

303. Billy, what's up with you?

304. I forgot the records, Ted.

305. What?

306. Have you not got any records?

307. Just a second.

308. Hold on a second.

309. I might have one, but I'll have one out in the car.

310. Cup of tea, Father?

311. Mrs. Doyle, how would you like to be the first to buy

312. a raffle ticket?

313. Oh, I'd love to, Father.

314. I haven't taken part in a raffle in donkey's years.

315. And I think I might be in with a great chance today.

316. Shut up, Dougal.

317. That's good.

318. Now, how many will you take?

319. - Just the one. - Ha.

320. All right.

321. I only need one.

322. My lucky number never lets me down.

323. Oh, I see. Which one is that?

324. - 11. - What?

325. 11.

326. It's always been lucky for me.

327. Well, we're out of 11's.

328. I thought I was your first customer?

329. Yes, yes.

330. But I think this one came without 11's.

331. I'll tell you what, I'll give you a number 10 and a number 1,

332. and that'll add up to 11.

333. And you can have them both for 50 p.

334. No, I don't think so, Father.

335. I'd better have my money back.

336. Mrs. Doyle, it's for charity.

337. It's for the roof.

338. Sorry, Father.

339. Hell of a woman.

340. Now— wonder where Jack's got to.

341. Oh, he's with Father Purcell.

342. Oh, god.

343. I better go and rescue him, he'll be going mad.

344. No, he's fine. They're just having a chat.

345. But Dougal, Purcell is the most

346. boring priest in the world.

347. He was working in Nigeria a few years ago

348. and he woke up one morning to find

349. that everyone in the village had enough of him

350. and gone off in a big boat.

351. Sank after a mile, they were eaten by alligators.

352. Anyway, I better go.

353. We run the gas off the electricity,

354. and the electricity off the gas, and we save 200 pounds a year.

355. But then a few weeks later—

356. god, I'll never forget it now.

357. We got a new boiler.

358. Are you all right there, Father's?

359. Help me.

360. Ah.

361. Hello, Ted.

362. I was just telling Father Jack there, about the thing there

363. last year.

364. How did you fare with yours?

365. I don't know what—

366. Because you know they have no morals

367. and no respect for human life.

368. But what they do have— and no one can deny this now.

369. They have the finest collection of boilers in the world,

370. and I include Canada in that.

371. Fine.

372. Actually, I just want to borrow Jack for a moment.

373. Thank Christ!

374. Father? Father?

375. Oh, god.

376. I remember the first time I saw that boiler now.

377. Beautiful.

378. I don't suppose you'd like to buy a ticket, Father?

379. Oh, did you get them especially, Ted?

380. Because you know you can buy them down the shop, you know?

381. Any number you like now.

382. 1, 7, 20, 112.

383. 112?

384. All the way up to 409, I think it is.

385. And if you want more they send off for them

386. and you send them back in an envelope now.

387. You know?

388. Normal kind of thing now.

389. Rectangular, four corners, you know?

390. That's the way I like them, anyway.

391. The old envelopes, oh, yes.

392. No round envelopes for me.

393. No way, hose.

394. Sid Vicious, now that was a grand name,

395. wasn't it?

396. He had trouble with the drugs.

397. Oh.

398. Yes.

399. Tickets for the raffle anybody?

400. Anybody left now that hasn't bought

401. a ticket, come over here.

402. Thank you very much.

403. Thank you.

404. Sorry about the wait, folks.

405. Bit of trouble with the old disco.

406. Luckily though, I've got a few old pals

407. to do a couple of numbers.

408. Please welcome Father Tiernan, Father Rafter, Father

409. Cafferty, and Father Leonard.

410. Billy, where have you been?

411. Oh, Ted.

412. Found the record.

413. All right, all right, how about the tickets?

414. 50 p each, or four for a pound.

415. Gambling, Ted.

416. Loaned me father, and me grandfather, both of them, Ted.

417. Died without a penny to their name.

418. Oh, won't happen to me, though.

419. God, it's just for charity.

420. It's not really gambling.

421. Yeah, all right then.

422. Go ahead.

423. Great. How many will you take?

424. 2000.

425. 2000?

426. Come on there, look it, I'll do your check.

427. No, I can't take it.

428. That's too much.

429. I can handle it, Ted.

430. I have a few friends who'll lend

431. me cash, from time to time.

432. No.

433. No, look, you keep that.

434. You shouldn't be throwing around that kind of money.

435. Ted, I need another ticket book, this one's run out.

436. Already?

437. How could you have sold out already?

438. Don't ask me, Ted.

439. I can hardly keep a straight face back there.

440. What was it, Billy?

441. 2000.

442. Need more drinks.

443. Car.

444. Wait, let's go.

445. You know what to do?

446. Thunderbird's are go, Ted.

447. OK, come on.

448. Thank you, Father Billy.

449. And now let's get on to the important stuff, the raffle.

450. The last raffle I was at it was very interesting,

451. because the people who ran the raffle, actually won it.

452. So it's not unusual for that to happen time and again.

453. Boys.

454. OK, and the winning number is number 11.

455. Number 11.

456. Number 11.

457. If anyone has that number, will they come up onstage?

458. What's that you say, Father McGuire?

459. You have the winning number?

460. What?

461. Oh, well let's have a big round

462. of applause for our very own, Father Dougal McGuire.

463. God almighty, Dougal.

464. What are you doing?

465. Sorry, Ted.

466. I was looking at the ticket upside down.

467. Congratulations to Father Dougal.

468. Anyway, what a fantastic evening we've had.

469. We've raised enough money to repair the roof

470. and we've had a great time.

471. So let me just thank you all now, for coming along.

472. And ask you to stand for our national anthem.

473. For god's sake, I'll have the money for you next week.

474. Please.

475. Please, one more chance, that's all I ask.

476. Please, please.

477. Oh, Touch very much Mrs. Doyle.

478. For god's sake, have some pity. I'm a priest.

479. Oh, they have you every way, you know?

480. I was in the AA there, you know, for a while.

481. And the insurance was very expensive.

482. All right.

483. I had to crash the car, just to get the money back.

484. You know?

485. And then they had witnesses, who said they'd seen me steer

486. it towards the wall, you know?

487. There was talk of me going to jail for a while.

488. All right, yourself.

489. What can I do for you, Mrs. Doyle?

490. Terrible news.

491. It's Father Finnegan, he's had a heart attack.

492. No.

493. The doctors warned him to cause a time to 12 hours a day,

494. but he just couldn't stop dancing.

495. That's terrible news.

496. What's up, Ted?

497. It's Father Finnegan, he's had a heart attack.

498. No.

499. Are there any more chip sticks?

500. Does that mean we can keep the car, Ted?

501. Dougal, that's a terrible thing to say.

502. The man has just— oh, wait a second.

503. You're right, we can.

504. Father?

505. Freak off.

506. Father, where did you get the air freshener?

507. - Car! - Oh, god.

508. Drive the car.

509. Not the new car.

510. Tell me the truth, have you been drinking?

511. Yes.

512. Tell me from the beginning, where did you drive?

513. Shops, drink, corner saps got out.

514. Talk.

515. Shock?

516. Two trucks.

517. Let me take a look.

518. Maybe there's something we can salvage.

519. It's not that bad, Ted.

520. Yes.

521. God, I thought it would be much worse than that.

522. Oh, bollocks.

523. Dougal, how is this not that bad?

524. Oh well, at least you still have the raffle money for the roof.

525. Please, just give me 24 hours.

526. Please.

527. So because of that low pressure,

528. we'll probably be seeing a lot more rain, at least until July.

529. Or possibly, until August.

530. God, almighty.

531. Imagine anyone being so dishonest,

532. as to steal raffle money from a priest.

533. Well now, the raffle was rigged, Ted.

534. I suppose it'll be all right as long as the tree doesn't

535. fall to the roof, or something.

536. For a moment there, I thought—

537. This is a piece of advice my father gave to me.

538. Now this not only refers to lagging,

539. but all forms of insulation.

540. He said, don't ever—

541. No. No, wait.

542. No.

543. It was always— always—

544. Always rem— no, no— Never.

545. Oh, I've forgotten.

546. Never mind.

547. What's your favorite humming noise?

548. Would it be, hmm?

549. Would it be, mhm.

550. The first one there, now that's the sound of a fridge.

551. The second one— second one, that's

552. the sound of a man humming.

553. You never hear a woman humming.

554. I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards.

555. Now, if you push me to it, I'd have to say,

556. my favorite color was great gray.

557. No, blue.

558. A soft blue, with a hint of gray.

559. No, orange.

560. Orange, that's it.

561. Orange.

562. I remem— I have an extension put on the house now.

563. And I put it on the extension, so the house is in a circle.

564. Now, you see?