Father Ted 1x1

Directed by Declan Lowney

Pat Shortt as Tom • Noelle Brown as Teaching Nun • Blanaid Irvine as Tarot Reader • Patrick Drury as John O'Leary • Mark Murray as Surly Youth

Ted gets his chance to be on TV when he is to be interviewed by a magazine programme. But 'FunLand', the most pathetic travelling fair ever invented has come to Craggy Island, and while Ted is distracted with Father Jack, Dougal seizes his moment of glory.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Right. That's Tuesday dealt with.

2. Let's look at Wednesday now.

3. Uh... Half-seven Mass.

4. I can take that.

5. And, uh... maybe...

6. Could you take the eight o'clock at all?

7. Right, I can take that as well.

8. Now, um... the half-six evening Mass on Sunday.

9. Evening Mass?

10. Too early.

11. No problem, I can take that as well, I'll just make a note.

12. - Morning, Ted. - Morning, Dougal.

13. Uh, Dougal? There's, uh...

14. There's some shaving cream just there.

15. No, there's not, Ted. You're grand.

16. - No, on you. - Oh, where, exactly?

17. - Just there, below your ear. - Here?

18. Yes, and there's a bit more...

19. - Gone? - No, there's still just a...

20. It's all over the place.

21. Oh, God. How on earth did all that get there?

22. I didn't even shave this morning.

23. So, what are we doing today, Ted?

24. Confessions and things like that?

25. Yes, Dougal, things like that.

26. It's great being a priest, isn't it, Ted?

27. God, it's lovely out.

28. Oh, wait till I tell you, Ted!

29. Funland's coming to Craggy Island on Saturday.

30. Oh, yes, the fairground thing.

31. I wouldn't have much interest in that type of thing myself.

32. They've got a spider baby.

33. - A what? - A spider baby.

34. A freak show thing.

35. It's got the body of a spider but it's actually a baby.

36. Oh.

37. How is it a baby? Does it have a nappy on or something?

38. No.

39. Does it have the head of a baby?

40. Um...

41. No.

42. Well, if it looks like a spider and it doesn't gurgle or anything,

43. how do you know it's a baby?

44. They keep it in a pram.

45. Dougal, are you absolutely sure about this?

46. You're not confusing it with a dream or anything?

47. No, honestly, I saw it on the news. Honestly! Oh... Oh, wait now.

48. Actually, now that you say it, it was a dream, yeah.

49. Have you been studying this like I told you?

50. Oh, I have, Ted.

51. Sorry. But we should go anyway, Ted, it'll be great!

52. Last year I did horse riding and it was just fantastic.

53. I didn't know you rode horses.

54. Well, it wasn't a real horse, Ted, like...

55. It was this old fellow with a saddle on him.

56. God, he must've been about 80.

57. Of course, he couldn't go very fast.

58. I was kind of lashing him with the whip and all...

59. Couldn't get much of a response.

60. And how long were you up on him?

61. Oh, I'd say it was about, uh...

62. about an hour?

63. So you were up on an 80-year-old man,

64. riding him around and whipping him for 60 minutes?

65. You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?

66. I know, Ted. It's great, isn't it? Come on, we should go.

67. No, I don't think I could take the excitement, to be honest.

68. Suppose I'll just see if there's anything on the TV.

69. - 'What type of a jumper is that?' - 'Well, basically...'

70. Ahh!

71. Maybe I'll just go and study the old diagram.

72. Hello? Father Ted Crilly speaking.

73. Hello, Father. Sorry to disturb you. My name is Terry MacNamee.

74. I'm producing Faith of Our Fathers for Telly Eireann.

75. We're talking to priests who work in isolated communities.

76. Would you be interested?

77. Well, that's very, um... That's very exciting.

78. Faith of Our Fathers is my favourite programme.

79. Well, you were the first person we thought of.

80. If you are interested, I could come over.

81. We'd give you a small fee.

82. - Who's that, Ted? - Uh, no one.

83. - No one? - 'Hello, Father Crilly?'

84. - No. - Must be someone, Ted.

85. Just a moment.

86. Sorry.

87. How exactly do you get to Craggy Island?

88. It doesn't seem to be on any maps.

89. No, it wouldn't be on any maps, now. We're not exactly New York.

90. The best way is from Galway, go slightly north

91. till you see the English boats with the nuclear symbol.

92. They go very close to the island dumping the old glow-in-the-dark.

93. Are there any other priests living with you? We don't list anyone else.

94. Um... well, uh...

95. No, there's no one else here.

96. I'll see you on Saturday. I'll call when I get there.

97. Bye.

98. The ants are back, Ted.

99. Never turn on the TV when Father Jack's asleep. You know how he is!

100. But he's always asleep.

101. Anyone who's served the Church as long as he has deserves a rest.

102. It's an honour for us to look after him in his old age.

103. Look at him, dreaming of past glories, no doubt.

104. Girls, pay attention.

105. We've got a special treat today.

106. Father Hackett has volunteered to take you all for volleyball practice.

107. Right, Father.

108. He's just reminded me it's very warm,

109. so no need for your tracksuit tops.

110. Hello!

111. Father Dougal McGuire here.

112. And welcome to this week's Top of the Pops.

113. In at number 45 this week

114. is Father Ted Crilly with I've Got the Power.

115. And at number 15 for the 16th week in a row is Father Jack Hackett,

116. with I'm a Sleepy Priest.

117. How did that gobshite get on the television?

118. Hello to you all.

119. Ah, is the television broken again, Father?

120. - Yes, we... - There's nothing wrong with it

121. that can't be fixed with a bit of you know what in the head department.

122. Now, then, who's for tea?

123. - Me, please, Mrs Doyle. - Tea? Feck!

124. - I'm fine, Mrs Doyle. - You won't have a cup?

125. No thanks, Mrs Doyle. I won't have a cup.

126. - You sure? It's hot. - No, I'm not in the mood.

127. All right, so... Aw, would you not have a drop?

128. - No, thanks. - Just a little cup.

129. - I'm fine! - I tell you what, Father...

130. - Seriously! - I'll pour a cup anyway.

131. And you can have it if you want. Now...

132. And what do you say to a cup?

133. Feck off, cup!

134. - He loves his cup of tea. - Feck off!

135. There you go.

136. Feck off!

137. Father Crilly, I nearly forgot.

138. - Earlier, a Terry MacNamee called. - Oh, right.

139. - Who's that? - Never heard of him.

140. Something to do with the television?

141. He's coming to fix it.

142. - He'll be here tomorrow at 12. - Grand.

143. Yeah, it's good you called someone, Ted.

144. It's still not working.

145. Ahem.

146. You frightened the life out of me.

147. You're doing the old pop star thing.

148. I was, Ted, yeah.

149. It was great being on TV today. I've caught the telly bug.

150. Well...

151. Get to bed now and get some sleep, you don't want to get over-tired.

152. Did you ever want to get into television?

153. Ah, no, I... I wouldn't be interested in that kind of thing, really.

154. Right. You wouldn't be much good at it, actually.

155. What? Why not?

156. Well, you're a bit serious. And your eyes are a bit crossed.

157. They're a bit wonky. The cameras notice.

158. I am not cross-eyed, Dougal.

159. Ah, you're a bit, now, Ted.

160. Half the time I don't know if you're talking to me or Father Jack.

161. Dougal, why don't you just... get some sleep.

162. Right. Just have to say the old prayers.

163. Our Father, who art in heaven...

164. (Ted) Hallowed.

165. Hallowed be thy...

166. (Ted) Name.

167. Ah, Papa don't preach...

168. Dougal, you know you can praise God with sleep.

169. Can you, Ted?

170. Yes, it's a way of thanking him for a tiring day.

171. God. There's lots of ways to praise God, isn't there, Ted?

172. Like that time you told me to praise him by just leaving the room.

173. That was a good one, yes.

174. - Ted... - Mmm?

175. - Ted? - Yes?

176. Knock knock.

177. - Who's there? - Father Dougal McGuire.

178. Good night, Dougal.

179. I can hear you a bit better now, shh, yeah.

180. You made it, then?

181. I think so. There's no indication it is Craggy Island.

182. There's no signs or anything.

183. Is there a man looking at you with a T-shirt saying "I Shot JR"?

184. Actually, there is.

185. Ah, you're here, so, yeah.

186. What? The line is bad, you're a bit muffled.

187. I'm on a portable phone, you caught me by surprise.

188. I'm on the toilet.

189. Right. So, er... So where can we meet?

190. Anywhere we can get a few good shots? Any local landmarks?

191. - No. - What?

192. There are no landmarks here now.

193. None at all?

194. No, the island itself is a kind of landmark. For ships and that.

195. Head away from it and you're going in the right direction.

196. - So, uh... - There's the field.

197. Oh, a field. Well, that sounds...

198. It's not a field, really, but it has less rocks than most places.

199. Never mind. I'll meet you at the field. How do I get there?

200. Ask Tom there. He'll help you out.

201. Right, Father. Thanks.

202. Bird!

203. Ooooo.

204. Holy Mary Mother of God!

205. God, Ted, I'm so sorry. It was just a joke.

206. Tr... try to avoid doing that again, Dougal.

207. I thought it was really... Herself.

208. - That's the last thing I need. - You're right there, Ted.

209. Anyway, it's time for Jack's walk. Time for your walk, Father Jack!

210. Off around the cliffs.

211. Can I bring him to Funland, Ted? He'd love that.

212. No, he wouldn't. Take him around the cliffs.

213. This time, near the edge, put on the brakes.

214. He was lucky the last time.

215. Right, Ted. Um, you're not coming yourself?

216. Ah, no, I think I'll stay here and pray for a while.

217. Oh, ho, what are you after, Ted?

218. I'm not after anything, Dougal.

219. It's not unknown for members of the clergy to pray from time to time.

220. Here we are, Father Crilly.

221. Get away!

222. There's nothing Father Hackett likes more than some fresh air!

223. - Come on. - Oh, yeah.

224. That's it.

225. - Yeah, yeah, no... - Ahh!

226. Come on, Father.

227. Oh, now, come on, Father Hackett.

228. That's it, now, in you go. Isn't that better?

229. - Good man. - This'll keep you nice and warm.

230. Are you all right? Ooh.

231. Bye, then! Every single day the same thing.

232. Once he's out, he has a great time. He loves them old cliffs.

233. - I'll be off. What are you up to? - I'll just have a bit of a pray.

234. All right. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

235. (PA) 'Patrons are reminded that parking is unavailable.

236. 'A reminder of the unavailability of parking facilities.'

237. I didn't know this bloody thing was on here.

238. Hello, Father.

239. Hello, Tom. Telly Eireann lads get here all right?

240. They've gone to film a bit of the island first.

241. - They'll be back soon. - I'll wait in the field.

242. - Father! - Yes, Tom?

243. I've killed a man.

244. Did you? We'll talk later, I'm doing an interview for television.

245. (PA) 'A little boy has been lost. Thank you.'

246. Keep your hands on the sides!

247. (PA) 'The child has now been found, thank you.'

248. You fat, smelly cow!

249. Take this. You have a face like a pair of tits.

250. Well, at least that's one pair between us!

251. - Hello, Mary. - Ah, hello, Father.

252. - Hello, John. - Pack of Toffos, Father?

253. No, thanks. I have to meet someone. I'm to be interviewed for television.

254. - Oh. - Really? That's fantastic.

255. You know, Father, I think you'd be brilliant on television.

256. Well, thank you.

257. You'll be more than a match for Gay Byrne or Terry Wogan or any of them.

258. It'll take weeks to get to their level.

259. But I have to go find this film unit.

260. They probably want to do a few close-ups and master shots and that.

261. Don't want to be late and get a reputation as a Marilyn Monroe type.

262. - See you soon. - Good luck, Father Ted.

263. - Get them fecking Crunchies out. - Feck off.

264. Ted! Ted! Over here, Ted! Come here and look at me!

265. Hey, Ted! What are you doing here?

266. I thought you weren't interested in this type of thing.

267. You're supposed to be taking Jack for his walk.

268. Well, um... The cliffs were closed for the day.

269. How could cliffs be closed, Dougal?

270. OK, no. It wasn't that.

271. - They were gone. - Ah.

272. The cliffs were gone? How could they just disappear?

273. Erosion.

274. Come off and to the cliffs with you!

275. There's just another couple of turns to go.

276. Woooo!

277. (PA) 'Patrons are reminded to keep their hands visible at all times

278. 'when not availing on the funfair rides.'

279. Go straight home, do you hear? No more nonsense!

280. Everyone else is here.

281. Dougal, you're a priest, show some decorum.

282. - Wish I wasn't a priest. - What?

283. - I wish I wasn't a priest. - Jack heard you say that!

284. He told me he doesn't believe in God.

285. Dougal!

286. Ted! Can I have a go on the Crane of Death, Ted?

287. - The what? - The Crane of Death.

288. There was a young fellow killed on it last year.

289. Look. I'm sick and tired of your...

290. Ted, a fortune teller! We'll have one go.

291. - Don't waste your money. - There might be something in it.

292. It's rubbish. How could anybody believe it?

293. It's no more peculiar than that stuff in seminary,

294. heaven and hell and everlasting life and that.

295. You're not meant to take it seriously.

296. You are so too meant to take it seriously!

297. - Are you? - Yes!

298. - Heaven, hell and everlasting life? - Of course!

299. Look, Dougal, if I let you go in, will you go home after?

300. - I will, I promise, Ted. - All right.

301. - Hello. - Let's go, Ted.

302. - What's wrong? - I'm scared.

303. I'll do it and you can watch.

304. - Hello there! - Sit!

305. - First, cross my palm with silver. - Silver?

306. - I don't carry bags of it around. - Give me a pound.

307. Now, I'll interpret one card at a time, please.

308. Be careful.

309. Um... I wasn't concentrating. Perhaps I could pick another?

310. No, this is a common misunderstanding.

311. The Grim Reaper doesn't mean death in a literal sense.

312. Rather, it may mean the death of an old way of life

313. and the beginning of a new one!

314. I know what that is.

315. It's probably about a new bicycle lamp.

316. Another card, please.

317. Is that good?

318. Well, ah... It will all become clear at the next card.

319. This is really weird. There's only supposed to be one in each pack.

320. Hello, Tom. Is Father Crilly around yet?

321. He is, yeah. He's in there.

322. That's a nasty scar you've got, Tom. Where did you get that?

323. I was, uh... in an argument.

324. - Oh, I hope you won. - I certainly did.

325. That's nothing. I've had worse than that.

326. Can you believe me own Dad did that to me?

327. It looks like a face!

328. (PA) 'Siobhan to the refreshment tent.'

329. Where's Father Jack? It's nearly five, time for his drink.

330. - You go that way, I'll go this way. - OK.

331. (PA) 'Siobhan, please report to reheat the hamburgers.'

332. Come, now, Father, we'd better be off. Come on.

333. Father! Father! There you are, Father.

334. We got here at last.

335. Father, Father. Dead to the world.

336. You don't know what's going on.

337. Gin! Vodka!

338. It's time for your drink, come on!

339. Ahhh!

340. Are you lads from... from the television?

341. - Well, yes. - Oh, yes.

342. - We'll just ask a few questions. - Am I gonna be on the telly?

343. Well, yes. We'll start with a history of the island,

344. then move on to how life has changed for the islanders...

345. Father, how would you say religious beliefs on the island

346. have been affected by TV and greater access to the media?

347. God, no, they're talking to Dougal.

348. - Think, Ted. - Drink! Drink!

349. There I am! It's me, look! I'm on the telly!

350. 'So, God, does he really exist? I mean, who knows?

351. 'I don't know. Personally, I don't even believe in organised religion.'

352. I know, it's great, isn't it?

353. 'A spider baby.

354. 'It's got the body of a spider but the mind of a baby and...'

355. 'It wouldn't really bite you, unless it got a bit older.'

356. I can't believe it either, I'm on the television!

357. That gobshite again! Is he never off the air!

358. (PA) 'A child has been, eh, lodged in the Tunnel of Goats.

359. 'If we could have a nurse, please, to the Tunnel of Goats, thank you.

360. 'A goat and a child have now become lodged together, eh,

361. 'and a nurse has become involved in the... in the incident.

362. 'Another nurse is required to release the nurse we asked for previously.

363. 'Thank you.'