Family Matters 5x9

Directed by Rich Correll

Laura believes that by donning a moustache and men's clothing she'll be better prepared to haggle with a sexist used-car dealer ; Steve is close to ruining Eddie's love life.

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1. Heather...

2. Baby, i'm sure glad dinner's over.

3. How come?

4. 'cause it's time for dessert.

5. Alright.

6. Hi-dee-ho, eddo!

7. Oops.

8. Apparently, i caught you with your hands full.

9. Steve, i hate to be rude,

10. But get out.

11. Well, wait a minute.

12. You haven't introduced me

13. To your pretty pucker partner.

14. Steve urkel, this—

15. Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me.

16. You've talked about her ad nauseam.

17. You must be the lovely sherry.

18. Who?

19. Uhh...

20. Linda?

21. No.

22. Chavetta?

23. Uh-uh.

24. Natalie? Amy? Lisa?

25. Soon-li?

26. Steve, this is heather,

27. My one true love.

28. No, your former true love!

29. Baby—

30. You're history, jack.

31. Why, you're in luck.

32. She thinks you're some guy named jack.

33. Hey, uncle carl.

34. Hmm?

35. Are you really going to cook dinner?

36. I certainly am.

37. Why?

38. Well, the last time you cooked,

39. The stove blew up.

40. The stove did not blow up.

41. The turkey inside it did.

42. Why isn't aunt harriette cooking?

43. Well, she's got a part-time job

44. At captain kidd's restaurant.

45. Isn't that the place

46. Where everyone dresses like pirates?

47. Yep.

48. I'm warning you, carl. No pirate jokes.

49. What'll you make him do,

50. Walk the plank?

51. Careful, richie,

52. Or you won't get your authentic

53. Captain kidd eye patch.

54. Oh, thanks.

55. So, sweetheart, tell us about the new job.

56. Well,

57. I'm only working security.

58. My biggest challenge is making sure the landlubbers

59. Only go to the salad bar once.

60. Ooh, you guy—

61. Ooh, mom, that's quite a fashion risk.

62. You're never going to find a job

63. Looking like that.

64. Careful, laura.

65. I'm tired,

66. And i have a sword.

67. So, laura, what's your good news?

68. My bank account runneth over.

69. I finally saved enough money to buy myself a car.

70. Congratulations, honey.

71. What car did you pick?

72. Well, i was at honest bob's used, but not abused cars.

73. Sweetheart, you have to be extra careful of a place

74. That has the word honest in its name.

75. Well, anyway, i was walking around the lot,

76. And bam! I saw a beauty,

77. An amazing piece of work.

78. Then he stepped aside, and i saw the car i liked.

79. Is it a rolls royce?

80. Not quite.

81. It's an '81 fiat spider.

82. Honey, that's an old car.

83. I know, but she's absolutely gorgeous

84. When she's all tanked up and her top's down.

85. So is your mother.

86. Do you need me to go with you

87. When you buy the car?

88. These salesmen can be tricky.

89. No, i can handle it.

90. I've done my homework. I know what it's worth.

91. Okay, but i'm here if you change your mind.

92. I appreciate that, but i'm an adult now.

93. I earned the money myself.

94. I did the research myself.

95. I want to buy it myself.

96. Are you paying the insurance yourself?

97. Hey, i can't do everything myself.

98. Ha ha!

99. Come back in half an hour.

100. Watch me drive off in my brand-new used car.

101. You got it.

102. Come on, ralph,

103. The price isn't written in stone.

104. It's written in shoe polish.

105. Come on, make me an offer.

106. Mmm, i'll give you 2,400,

107. Cash.

108. Ralph. Ralphie,

109. That's a $3,000 car.

110. 2,900.

111. Come on, bob. What do you want it to do?

112. Sit here and collect more dust?

113. I'll give you 26. That's the best i can do.

114. Well, i like your shirt.

115. My dog's named ralph.

116. What the heck? You got yourself a car!

117. Wake up norm in the office.

118. He'll write you up.

119. Office?

120. You mean this trailer?

121. Hey, for your information,

122. That's our service department,

123. Customer lounge,

124. And employee day care center.

125. daddy!

126. Shut up, i'm busy!

127. Whoop! Hello, little lady.

128. I'm bob fudderman, but most folks call me

129. Honest bob.

130. I'm laura winslow.

131. What can i do for you?

132. I'm interested in a car.

133. Would you like me to show you around,

134. Or has something tickled your fancy?

135. What's the story on this fiat?

136. It's a great car. It costs $2,000.

137. Buy it. I'll live happily ever after.

138. I'll give you 1,600.

139. Okay, you'll come back tomorrow with the other 400?

140. Uh, no, i don't think so.

141. Why don't we take a look-see at this yugo?

142. Come on.

143. Ooh.

144. Ooh!

145. It's a pretty color.

146. Bumper optional.

147. Oh, look! Look! Look!

148. It's 1,500.

149. Well, that's right up your wallet.

150. I don't want this car.

151. Are you sure? It has an automatic.

152. The fiat is a stick.

153. That's very, very difficult.

154. I can drive a stick.

155. I'll give you 1,750.

156. Oh, sorry, sweetheart.

157. Lowest i'll go is 1,900. Take it or leave it.

158. I'll leave it.

159. Phooey! But i'll bet you'll be back, little lady.

160. Only hope the car will still be here.

161. Don't be a stranger.

162. There's something always good under the hood.

163. Bye-bye.

164. Bye-bye!

165. Don't be a stranger. So long!

166. Ooh, green, my fav!

167. Ah, mmm, ah.

168. Welcome home, winslows.

169. What are you doing here, steve?

170. Tidying up.

171. Actually, i was waiting for you, eddo.

172. Why?

173. I called helen and profusely apologized

174. For my social gaffe.

175. I explained that all those other women i mentioned

176. Are persona non grata

177. In the eddie winslow big book o' love.

178. Well, let me tell you,

179. Helen was speechless.

180. I'll bet.

181. Because the girl that was here before

182. Was heather!

183. Helen is my date for tomorrow night!

184. Was your date.

185. Uh-oh. Toodles!

186. Whoo!

187. Come back here, steve!

188. Laura,

189. What's going on down here?

190. Eddie's trying to kill steve.

191. Then why do you look so sad?

192. I didn't get my car.

193. Really? Why not?

194. The dealer wanted too much money.

195. Wouldn't bargain, huh?

196. Nope. I got the feeling he would have

197. If i had been a guy.

198. Ahh, male chauvinist pig, huh?

199. Maybe.

200. He thought i'd like a car

201. Because it was a pretty color.

202. He assumed i couldn't drive a stick.

203. Don't worry, you'll find another car.

204. I want that car,

205. And i want it at a fair price.

206. What are you going to do?

207. I don't know,

208. But i'm not going to give up.

209. Gangway!

210. Aah!

211. Oops.

212. Shake that booty, laura.

213. I'm all set.

214. Oh, great. I'll get your purse for you.

215. Oh, i won't need it.

216. Well, why not?

217. 'cause i'm packing a wallet,

218. And the name ain't laura.

219. It's larry.

220. Laura?

221. That's larry, bro.

222. Well, laura,

223. You look so...

224. Well, i mean, you...

225. What happened to your bazooms?

226. My what?

227. Snookums,

228. If you're having some sort of identity crisis,

229. Well, let's talk about it.

230. There are clinics for this,

231. Although the operation is very painful.

232. I mean, just ask my uncle beverly.

233. Steve, i'm dressed like this so i can buy a car.

234. Why don't you just write a check?

235. Because the check would be too big.

236. The car dealer is sexist,

237. And i figure larry winslow

238. Can get a better deal than laura winslow.

239. Now, come on. Let's go.

240. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

241. No, no, no!

242. Men don't do this.

243. I'm going to teach you how to walk, talk,

244. And think like a man.

245. Now, first, we'll start with the walk.

246. A woman walks like the wheat in a breeze.

247. Men stomp like they're killing ants.

248. Now, come on. You try.

249. I feel like an idiot.

250. Great. That's the first step to being a man.

251. What else do i need to know?

252. Well, let's see.

253. Men are earthy creatures.

254. We like to spit,

255. Scratch,

256. And hike up our pants.

257. You know, i always wondered—

258. Why do guys tug at their pants all the time?

259. Well, how can i put this delicately?

260. I do it to make sure the airline

261. Hasn't lost the luggage.

262. Ahh.

263. What else do i need to know?

264. Let's see.

265. Ah! When men are together

266. And a pretty girl walks by,

267. They greet her with words of endearment, like,

268. Yo, mama!

269. Chicky, chicky baby! Ooh!

270. Yo, baby,

271. Bring it on home.

272. Bring it on home to daddy.

273. Very good, very good.

274. Okay, well, i'm ready to go buy my car now.

275. Let's go get me some wheels, urk-man.

276. You okay?

277. I'm cool.

278. Wind up the rubber band on that thing

279. And hit the road.

280. Ahh.

281. Afternoon, pal!

282. I'm bob fudderman,

283. But most folks call me honest bob.

284. I'm larry win—

285. Zoclinker.

286. What can i do?

287. I got my eye on this baby.

288. You got your eye on quality.

289. Chicks always go for a guy in a convertible,

290. Right, win—

291. Zoclinker?

292. Tell me something i don't know.

293. Uh!

294. Ooh.

295. Easy.

296. Easy there, pal.

297. I just had liposuction.

298. What's under the hood?

299. Engine.

300. Well, this is an '81.

301. It should be a four-cylinder,

302. 2,000 cc twin cam with aluminum head

303. And bosch fuel-injection.

304. Uh, that could be.

305. Whoa, hello. Hello, babycakes.

306. Hey, baby. Hey, baby,

307. Looking fine. Bring it home.

308. Work it, girl.

309. Come on, baby, come on.

310. Yeah, i think i'm special to her.

311. Okay, bob, back to the car.

312. Huh? Oh.

313. Let's talk price.

314. Why talk when you can look right at it.

315. See you.

316. Whoa, hey, hey! Whoa.

317. Wait. The price isn't written in stone.

318. It's written in shoe polish.

319. Come on. Make me an offer.

320. 1,600.

321. How much?

322. 1,600.

323. Have you, uh,

324. Have you been here before?

325. Uh, not really. Why?

326. You look familiar.

327. No, i don't.

328. Yes, you do.

329. You have a sister?

330. No, i'm an only child,

331. The last of the winzogoobers.

332. Uh-huh. I thought you said

333. That your name was winzoclinker!

334. Hi!

335. Ha.

336. Alright, what's going on?

337. What is the meaning of this clever charade?

338. I thought i could get a better deal if i was a guy.

339. What made you think that?

340. 'cause i saw you give a better deal to a guy.

341. Whoa. So, what are you saying?

342. That i'm sexist to babes?

343. No way, little lady.

344. See, i'm a businessman.

345. I don't care if your wallet comes from your pants or purse

346. As long as there's money.

347. But yesterday you lowered your price

348. For that guy, but when you got to me,

349. You...

350. You tried to sell me a yugo!

351. Oh, come on!

352. Stop it!

353. I can't help it.

354. It's just that— i think it's wrong for you

355. To take advantage of me just because...

356. I'm a girl.

357. I—

358. Alright, alright, alright.

359. How much did i say yesterday?

360. 1,900...

361. Dollars!

362. Alright, shh!

363. Alright, alright.

364. I'll go—i'll go to 18.

365. Shh! Alright. 1,750!

366. Oh, man!

367. I'm not a man.

368. Alright, alright.

369. 1,700, but that's it!

370. Deal.

371. Is everything o.K.?

372. Fine. Go ahead. I'm going to drive this baby home.

373. Ooh, great!

374. Hey!

375. When he found out i was a girl,

376. I thought i'd be walking home.

377. Then you started crying.

378. He actually knocked off $300 off the car?

379. Yeah. I used his own sexist attitudes

380. Against him.

381. Ha ha ha.

382. Beat him at his own game. Yes!

383. harriette! I'm home!

384. Mom, watch this.

385. Harriette, there's nothing on the stove.

386. What—oh. Company?

387. Yeah. Uh, carl, this is, uh,

388. Larry. He's got a date with laura.

389. Oh, really?

390. Yeah, that's right.

391. Your daughter is so fly.

392. So, just what are your plans tonight?

393. Well, uh, i thought we'd party hearty,

394. Toss back a few brewskies,

395. Then, since my parents are out of town,

396. We go back to my place.

397. What?

398. But, uh, don't worry, pops.

399. I'll have her back by cock-a-doodle-doo time.

400. Well...

401. You're going to need a little extra money.

402. And, uh, keep laura till monday.

403. She eats like a horse.

404. Oh, and you're going to need my car.

405. It has a fold-down back seat.

406. Daddy.

407. Gotcha!

408. Good news, eddo!

409. Heather's willing to give you

410. A second chance.

411. Wuh-oh.

412. Heather.

413. Helen.

414. Steve!

415. Can you believe he tried dating us at the same time?

416. I can't believe i was rubbing his bubble head!