Family Matters 5x5

Directed by

Shavar Ross as Weasel • Shawn Harrison as Waldo Geraldo Faldo

A thug named Bones pays Eddie a visit after Waldo and Weasel enlist Eddie in their football-betting venture.

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1. "... Is made up of two equal components

2. "with a revolution period of 180 years.

3. The angular separation is—"

4. You're dreaming of steve urkel.

5. You yearn to be held

6. By his strong, manly arms.

7. Your lips burn for his kiss.

8. "less than it was earlier in this century

9. "because the two stars are moving

10. To the same line of sight."

11. What?

12. I am so tired.

13. Well, lately you always are, baby breath.

14. Why, just yesterday, you fell asleep in class.

15. That can happen.

16. Not while you're writing on the blackboard.

17. Now, look, something's cookin', good-lookin'.

18. Spill it.

19. Mind your own business, steve.

20. Now go ahead— double stars.

21. "some pairs, such as gamma areatis,

22. "have the same spectral type for both components,

23. "but others are distinguished

24. By their beautifully contrasting colors."

25. Thank you.

26. Mmm... Mother winslow.

27. Are these from scratch?

28. Absolutely.

29. At least that's what the wrapper says.

30. Laura.

31. Huh!

32. Why are you so tired?

33. I guess i'm not getting enough sleep at school.

34. What?

35. I'm just kidding, ma. I got to go study.

36. See ya.

37. Yo, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

38. Wait a minute. Where are you going?

39. Over to waldo's.

40. Tonight is the night we agreed

41. To work on our stamp collection.

42. I can't, dad. Waldo's mom had plastic surgery,

43. And i'm invited to her welcome home party.

44. Oh, what did she have done?

45. A fanny lift.

46. Everyone's hoping it'll stay above her knees this time.

47. Nine seconds left.

48. Warrren moon drops back. He's hit!

49. And fumble!

50. Singleterry picks it up!

51. He's at the 30, the 20,

52. The 10! Touchdown!

53. The bears win!

54. Do it! Do it!

55. Do it!

56. Waah!

57. Well, gentlemen, congratulate me and my man waldo.

58. We are now styling on easy street.

59. What do you mean?

60. Tell him, waldo.

61. No, sir.

62. Why not?

63. I don't know what you're talking about.

64. The betting.

65. Oh. Cool. We're betting.

66. Betting?

67. How much did you win?

68. Well, this is our second week,

69. And we're already up 380 big ones.

70. How much is my half?

71. 50 bucks.

72. Yeah.

73. Yo, 380 is serious money.

74. Yeah, frankie the fish says it's beginner's luck,

75. But we got a system.

76. I wish now i'd gone in with you guys.

77. It's not too late. The season's young.

78. Aren't you aware

79. That sports gambling is illegal

80. In these united states?

81. Except for nevada and certain specified municipalities,

82. Including atlantic city and indian reservations,

83. Which aren't subject to federal law.

84. Hey, look, urkel,

85. You can't call what we're doing gambling.

86. Gambling implies a risk.

87. With my system, there is no risk.

88. Oh? And what's your system?

89. Do you compare team rosters,

90. Compute previous game histories,

91. Factor in player injuries, weather conditions,

92. And home team advantage?

93. No. We bet on the team

94. Whose city has the ugliest women.

95. You know,

96. I'm really going to hate myself for asking this,

97. But what in sam hill

98. Do ugly women have to do with football?

99. Think about it.

100. Wouldn't you be a lot meaner

101. If you came from a city

102. Full of ugly women?

103. I was right. I hate myself.

104. Yo, guys, i'm tempted, but i'm broke.

105. I don't have any money.

106. Ah, that's the beauty part.

107. You bet by phone.

108. Place the bet to pick up the cash.

109. But what if i lose?

110. It ain't going to happen.

111. But in the unlikely event that it does,

112. I'll cover your behind. Ha ha!

113. Like we were forced to do with my mom.

114. Eddo,

115. Now, look,

116. You're letting greed cloud your better judgment.

117. It pains me to say this,

118. But if you join these hooligans

119. In their nefarious endeavor,

120. You can kiss our friendship goodbye.

121. Guys, i'm in.

122. In the atlanta-houston game,

123. It was atlanta 28, houston 17.

124. Oh, man.

125. I told you so.

126. And in san francisco,

127. The 49ers blasted the los angeles rams

128. 21 to zip.

129. Damn.

130. I told you so.

131. And finally, a big surprise—

132. In miami,

133. As the dolphins outscored the jets 31-14.

134. Alright!

135. Until the fourth quarter,

136. When the jets scored three touchdowns

137. To win the game.

138. Far be it from me to say i told you so,

139. But i told you so.

140. Steve, i just lost a whole lot of money.

141. The last thing i need

142. Is nagging from the nerd next door.

143. Nerd? Well! This conversation is finished.

144. I'll be in the kitchen sipping a soda

145. Until you decide to apologize.

146. Despicable. Telling me...

147. Weasel, your betting system bites.

148. We bet on 12 games and lost 10.

149. May i remind you that we also won two games,

150. Mr. Glass-is-half-empty?

151. Hey, i want an indian name, too.

152. I don't believe this.

153. We each lost 250 bucks in a single afternoon.

154. Weasel.

155. Huh?

156. I'm taking you up on that offer.

157. What offer?

158. You know.

159. You told me if i lost,

160. You'd cover me. Well, i lost.

161. Hey, man, i did say that,

162. But, um, unfortunately,

163. Circumstances have conspired

164. To alter my current financial portfolio.

165. In other words?

166. You're on your own.

167. Gentlemen, i just got off the phone

168. With your bookie.

169. You called frankie the fish?

170. Yes, indeedy. I took pity on your plight

171. And pulled your fannies out of the fire.

172. How?

173. Well, i simply explained to him

174. That although your bets were made in good faith,

175. There was no way in h-e-double hockey sticks

176. You'll ever pay a single cent.

177. Steve! If you tell a guy like frankie the fish

178. You're not going to pay, you end up living with fish.

179. Don't be such a nervous nellie.

180. It was a bargaining ploy.

181. Well, once frankie calmed down,

182. I suggested we work out

183. Some sort of payment plan.

184. Well, he just jumped at that suggestion

185. And immediately beeped his field representative,

186. Who, incidentally, might drop by the house.

187. Move, and you die.

188. I may have made a boo-boo.

189. Hey, guys, where're you going?

190. Good lord!

191. You're the largest person i've ever seen.

192. You should see my mother.

193. Oh, i'm sure she's lovely.

194. Uh, listen. Are you aware that you're giving me a wedgie?

195. Now, allow me to introduce myself.

196. I'm steve urkel, and you are?

197. Bones.

198. Ah. Bones.

199. As in the doctor on star trek?

200. No. Bones as in i break them.

201. Ooh-ooh-ooh! Aah! Ooh-aah! Ooh-ooh-ooh!

202. Hello.

203. Here. Here.

204. Thank you. You two can leave.

205. We're in this together. Right, guys?

206. Later, eddie.

207. Uh, sir...

208. I'd love to pay you,

209. But i honestly don't have the money right now.

210. Kid, i'd love to let you off the hook,

211. But i honestly have to peel you like a grape.

212. Hey, just a minute!

213. Now, this is my friend.

214. If you intend to harm him,

215. You'll have to go through me.

216. Grrr.

217. Grrr!

218. Grrr!

219. Grrrr!

220. Ooh-hoo-hoo! Woo-hoo-hoo!

221. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

222. Okay, okay, okay.

223. We've learned i have a better growl,

224. But you can back yours up.

225. Now, wouldn't you agree

226. That a healthy eddie could pay you back

227. Much faster than a bloody, twisted, broken one?

228. You have a point.

229. Now, i propose an easy payment plan.

230. Give my friend time to arrange financing—

231. Say, six months?

232. 24 hours.

233. Works for me. Bless you, bones.

234. Oh, i'll be back tomorrow.

235. If you don't have the cash,

236. We're going to hold a scavenger hunt

237. For your body parts.

238. Uh, that apple is wax.

239. I know.

240. I'm a dead man.

241. I can't come up with 250 bucks by tomorrow.

242. Steve, can't you help me out?

243. No, i can't, eddo.

244. I just spent all my money

245. On a muscle building kit.

246. And i'm still trying to get the box open.

247. What am i going to do?

248. Why don't you go to your father?

249. Fess up, eddo, and take your punishment like a man.

250. Nah.

251. Besides, my dad is already upset with me

252. For not helping him with our stamp collection.

253. Wuh-oh.

254. I smell a bad idea.

255. Mm-hmm.

256. You see this stamp?

257. It's a 1923 head of freedom statue stamp.

258. It's worth about $300.

259. You wouldn't!

260. Look, i could sell this stamp,

261. Pay off bones,

262. Work some overtime at mighty wing,

263. Buy the stamp back, and put it back.

264. But it'll haunt you for the rest of your life.

265. Yeah, but at least i'll have a life.

266. Eddo, don't take that stamp.

267. Eddo, don't go out that door!

268. What—wha—

269. Eddo, don't get in that car!

270. Wh—

271. Eddo, don't run over me!

272. Laura.

273. Hi, mom. What's up?

274. Where have you been?

275. Oh.

276. Uh, oh, i couldn't sleep,

277. So i thought a nice brisk walk would help.

278. Laura, i've been waiting here for 31/2 hours.

279. A long brisk walk?

280. I've been worried sick about you.

281. I didn't know where you were,

282. What you were doing,

283. Or if you were okay.

284. I can explain.

285. Well, then, let's hear it.

286. Where were you?

287. Starlight coffee shop.

288. I'm a waitress there.

289. I work the midnight to 4 a.M. Shift.

290. Laura...

291. You already have an after-school job.

292. Why on earth would you take a second job?

293. I'm saving up for a car.

294. I can get it faster

295. If i work two jobs.

296. Well, when do you sleep?

297. Oh, i don't. I don't need sleep.

298. I just carry this water spritzer.

299. There. Fresh as a daisy.

300. Laura, you're not a fern.

301. You need sleep.

302. You're spreading yourself too thin,

303. And it's very unhealthy.

304. I just wanted to earn the money on my own.

305. You guys have given me so much already.

306. I just wanted to show you i could be responsible

307. By buying my own car.

308. Laura, you're the most responsible teenager i know.

309. But sneaking out of the house at night

310. Is not responsible.

311. You're going to quit that job.

312. Okay.

313. I'm going to talk to your father.

314. We'll help you with that car.

315. But you don't have to.

316. That's right. We don't have to.

317. We want to... Because we love you.

318. Hey, dad.

319. Hey, son.

320. Uh...

321. What are you doing?

322. Oh, i thought i'd take a look

323. At the old stamp collection—

324. You know, the one you don't have time for anymore.

325. Oh. Oh, well, i have some time now.

326. Wow. What a collection.

327. Hey, dad, you want to go shoot some hoops?

328. Dad, there— there's something

329. I have to tell you.

330. Oh, really? What is it?

331. It's about our head of freedom statue stamp.

332. Oh, yes.

333. There she is.

334. She is?

335. She is.

336. So, what did you want to tell me, son?

337. Oh. Uh, j-just that...

338. That i love you.

339. I love you, dad. Night.

340. Edward.

341. Yes.

342. I thought that you were going to tell me

343. That you sold our head of freedom statue stamp

344. To the stamp emporium

345. For $300.

346. No.

347. I'll just stick with i love you...

348. And hope that you keep it in mind.

349. Come over here, edward, and sit down.

350. Talk to me, son.

351. Let me hear the words.

352. Well, me and the guys bet on some football games.

353. Mm-hmm.

354. And then i lost 250 bucks

355. To a bookie named frankie the fish.

356. I see.

357. And then i sold our stamp

358. So i wouldn't get beat up

359. By a big guy named bones.

360. Edward, why didn't you just come to me?

361. Because i was afraid you'd yell.

362. What, you mean like this?

363. Yes, sir. Exactly like that, sir.

364. My head hurts.

365. Son,

366. You've made some mistakes with gambling before.

367. I thought that you had learned your lesson.

368. Well, i thought so, too, dad,

369. But weasel had a surefire betting system.

370. Oh, really? What was it?

371. We bet on the teams

372. Whose cities have the ugliest women.

373. My head hurts again.

374. Maybe i'll just be quiet now.

375. That's a very good idea.

376. Edward,

377. Son,

378. When you make a mistake,

379. You fess up to it.

380. If you cover it up,

381. It'll only make it worse.

382. Yes, sir.

383. Now, if you'd come to me right away,

384. You might have only been grounded

385. For a week or so.

386. Now you'll be lucky

387. If you make little richie's wedding.

388. Ouch.

389. Well, dad, just tell me

390. How you found out about the stamp.

391. Al from the stamp emporium called.

392. I'd asked him to let me know

393. If another head of freedom statue stamp

394. Ever became available.

395. Imagine my surprise when i discovered

396. That i bought back my own stamp!

397. Gee.

398. Look...

399. I'll pay you back, dad,

400. Every cent.

401. Oh, you bet you will.

402. Uh-uh.

403. I don't bet anymore.

404. Hi, steve. Hi, steve.

405. Last chance, eddo,

406. To come to the polka hall with us.

407. Us? You actually talked somebody else

408. Into going with you?

409. Oh, yeah. Why, i have a brand-new polka partner.

410. Come on, steve. We don't want to be late.

411. Uh-1 and uh-2 and uh—