Family Matters 5x20

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Cherie Johnson as Maxine Johnson • Sylver Gregory as Irene

Urkel develops hiccups after being robbed.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Irene, please!

2. I'm sick of you flirting with anything in a skirt!

3. Look, i wasn't flirting!

4. I merely said hello,

5. And she tripped, and her lips fell on mine.

6. Two can play this game.

7. I may just flirt with the very next man i see.

8. Come here, baby.

9. Huh?

10. Look, john.

11. I'm running my fingers through his hair.

12. Ho hoo! Heh heh.

13. Irene, stop it!

14. Now i'm going to blow in his ear.

15. Oh, no! Whoo whoo whoo!

16. Whoo-hoo!

17. Irene, i'm warning you!

18. Now i'm going to tickle his manly chest.

19. Oh, no. Don't do that!

20. Whoo-hoo hoo!

21. Hoo hoo! Hoo hoo hoo!

22. Come on, irene! That's enough!

23. Oh, no. I'm just getting started.

24. And i'm almost finished!

25. I'm going to kiss him, john.

26. You wouldn't!

27. Stay out of this, john!

28. Oh, that does it!

29. Irene, i have had it with you!

30. We are through!

31. Ooh!

32. N-no!

33. John, wait!

34. I love you!

35. Anything happening, steve?

36. Oh, same old same old.

37. Okay, max, the sports column

38. And ziggy's interview with the principal are due today.

39. Then we can put this issue to bed.

40. Right, chief.

41. Don't call me chief.

42. Call me publishing diva.

43. So how's the "ask max" column coming along?

44. Laura, it's the best idea you've ever had.

45. You're always giving me lots of advice i don't want,

46. So i figure you should share that gift with others.

47. Psst! Psst!

48. Psst.

49. Laura!

50. Laura!

51. Laura!

52. Psst. Laura... Laura.

53. Aah!

54. Don't tell me.

55. Somebody stole your clothes again.

56. Yes.

57. I'm tired of being bullied by those girls.

58. Is that your science article for the paper?

59. Oh, yeah,

60. But for obvious reasons

61. I can't hand it in right now,

62. But of course you're more than welcome to read it.

63. Check out the bar graph.

64. I'll pass.

65. Now you go home now and change.

66. And come right back?

67. I didn't say that.

68. I have to hand in my article.

69. Fax it to me.

70. Ohh... I'll include some kisses.

71. Madam editor.

72. Hello, ziggy.

73. Hey, steve.

74. Brought your clothes back for you, bro.

75. Oh, thanks, ziggy.

76. Hey... Hey, where are my boxers?

77. Up on the roof.

78. Thanks to you, the school's got a new wind sock.

79. Those girls are nothing but hooligans.

80. See? That's the problem with public schools today.

81. They let anybody in.

82. Then go to private school.

83. I can't. They won't let me in.

84. Laura?

85. What?

86. If you stare at ziggy any harder,

87. You'll burn a hole in the back of his head.

88. Ziggy st. John gets on my nerves.

89. He acts like he's god's gift to women.

90. Every time we talk, we end up arguing.

91. Hey, ease up on the zigman.

92. I like the bloke.

93. That's a change.

94. You usually trash all the popular guys.

95. I know, but the zigster's different.

96. He doesn't succumb to the mob mentality.

97. He doesn't stuff waffles down my pants

98. Like the other guys do.

99. Like me, he's his own man.

100. Ooh, got to go.

101. What's the matter?

102. I'm getting a draft up my bar graph.

103. Ziggy, is your article ready?

104. And how are you today?

105. Relax, laura.

106. Don't i always meet my deadlines?

107. Four pages?

108. Yeah. What's wrong with that?

109. Ziggy, our whole paper is four pages.

110. I don't have room for all of it.

111. Well, make room.

112. Bump some of the junk you've been printing.

113. Nothing i print is junk, okay?

114. Oh?

115. Well, what about this riveting article?

116. "are the fashion police after you?"

117. That is a valid and helpful piece

118. On how to dress.

119. It wouldn't hurt you to glance at it.

120. Hey, look.

121. I wear these clothes 'cause, see,

122. I'm not caught up in shallow materialism.

123. Shallow materialism?

124. Yeah.

125. Like colors that match and clothes that fit?

126. I'm not going to let you mess with my story, laura.

127. Ziggy, look.

128. It's my call, and i'm trimming it— period.

129. Then i'm going over your head.

130. I'll talk to ms. Jennings about this.

131. We'll see if she confirms your authority over the universe.

132. Ooh!

133. How dare he go over my head?

134. Why have a peckin' order if you're not gonna peck a note?

135. I wouldn't go over my head would you go over my head?

136. Of course not, girl, i know you wouldn't go over my head.

137. We're peckin' order. We're peckin' order people.

138. Laura..

139. What?

140. Slap yourself.

141. Harriette!

142. Harriette!

143. For goodness sakes, carl.

144. What is it?

145. We need for you to be the referee again.

146. Why do you make me take part

147. In this pointless activity?

148. Because we're men,

149. And we thrive on pointless activity.

150. Come on.

151. Let's get this over with.

152. Put your hand right there.

153. Give me your hand!

154. Okay, okay alright.

155. 1... 2...

156. 3... Go.

157. Okay

158. Aah! No, no, no! I wasn't ready.

159. You were ready!

160. Harriette, tell him i wasn't ready!

161. He wasn't ready.

162. You see? That's why we need a referee.

163. Let's hurry up!

164. Alright, dad. Let's go.

165. Come on.

166. 1...

167. 2...

168. I won!

169. Hey, but, dad, she didn't even say "three".

170. you snooze, you lose.

171. Aah! Aah! Aah!

172. Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

173. Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

174. Ahh! Ahh! Aah! Aah!

175. Ah! Ah! Ah! Aah!

176. Oh! Oh! Oh! Aah!

177. Steve, what are you up to?

178. Is it houdini night at the urkels' again?

179. no! No! I've been robbed!

180. Call the police! Call the police!

181. May i?

182. Aah!

183. That wiggly thing on the tape is my lip.

184. Steve, what's going on?

185. I've been robbed!

186. Please help me!

187. Well, what happened?

188. Two men broke into my house, tied me up,

189. And took everything they could get their filthy mitts on!

190. Where are your parents?

191. At a neighborhood watch meeting!

192. How's it going, max?

193. Listen to this, laura.

194. "dear, max, i'm crazy about two guys.

195. "one is fun to be with and the other is fun to look at.

196. Which guy should i choose? Signed, can't make up my mind."

197. Hmm, tough problem. What's your advice?

198. Can't make up my mind.

199. Bye, girl. Catch you front.

200. Laura, we need to talk.

201. Ziggy, i'm still trimming your article.

202. Forget about that. I'm on to new things.

203. I was at quigley's supermarket, rapping to a checker,

204. Telling him how grateful we are

205. Quigley's donated computers to our school.

206. Yeah. They're a godsend.

207. The school should send them back!

208. What?

209. That checker slipped me a few facts.

210. Quigley's has been selling meat with false expiration dates.

211. It's actually older than what the package says.

212. Did you check with quigley's management?

213. They refused to see me.

214. Now, we'll demand that the school return their computers,

215. And we'll print exposes—boom!

216. We need these computers.

217. It took us years to get them.

218. What are you saying, we ignore what's happening at quigley's?

219. Look, i'll let you do the story on this,

220. But we're not returning these computers.

221. Laura, open your eyes.

222. Climb down off of your editor's pedestal

223. And get involved!

224. I am involved.

225. It's my job to be rational

226. And examine every point of view.

227. I don't have the luxury

228. Of behaving the way that you do.

229. And how is that?

230. Like a pushy, egotistical, pompous jerk!

231. I'd resent that if it didn't come

232. From a stubborn, uptight, prissy little brat!

233. Hidy—

234. Ho.

235. Hello, steve.

236. Carl, i need your—

237. Help.

238. What's the matter?

239. I can't get rid of these blasted—

240. These blasted—

241. Hiccups?

242. Yeah.

243. I've had them for the past two days,

244. And they're driving me crazy.

245. Have you tried holding your breath?

246. Been there, did that.

247. Didn't work.

248. Well, maybe you didn't hold it long enough.

249. Go ahead. Take a big, deep breath.

250. Well, how long should i hold it?

251. Till i say when.

252. Okay, well...

253. Well, let me warm up my lungs.

254. Oh, will you just hold your breath?

255. Carl, guess who's in bermuda?

256. Who?

257. Emily tompkins.

258. From the church choir.

259. Uh-huh. She sent me these pictures.

260. Oh! Wow! Look at that beautiful beach.

261. Hi, steve!

262. And look at that water!

263. Have you ever seen anything so blue?

264. Mom, didn't, uh,

265. Eddie used to date emily's daughter for a while?

266. You know, i think you're right.

267. Now, what was her name?

268. Brenda?

269. No...

270. No, uh, bernice?

271. No. Uh-uh.

272. I know it starts with a "b."

273. Bernadette!

274. Oh, yeah, bernadette.

275. I knew i'd think of it!

276. Ah... Bernadette.

277. I haven't seen her since god knows when.

278. Aah!

279. Aah! Ohh!

280. Steve, are you okay?

281. Good lord! I thought you'd never say when.

282. Oh! I'm sorry. I forgot.

283. But did you get rid of your hiccups?

284. Yeah!

285. No!

286. Well, steve, you know there are other cures.

287. Like what?

288. Aah!

289. Scaring me won't— work.

290. My mother already tried that.

291. She came downstairs in a bikini.

292. I was fine,

293. But poor dad locked himself in the basement.

294. I'm sorry, steve. I'm fresh out of cures.

295. Oh, carl...

296. You've got to help me, big guy.

297. I mean, i can't eat, i can't sleep,

298. And i don't dare practice my—

299. Sword swallowing.

300. Alright, steve. One last try.

301. Take a deep breath...

302. And i want you to drink down

303. This whole glass of iced tea.

304. You sure?

305. Go ahead. Go ahead.

306. Well?

307. Carl... I think my hiccups are gone.

308. Hey.

309. Sit down, steve.

310. I read somewhere

311. Where prolonged hiccups can be caused by emotional trauma.

312. Trauma?

313. When you were robbed.

314. I mean, wouldn't you say

315. That was a pretty intense experience?

316. Oh, yes, yes.

317. Scary, huh?

318. Oh, it was scary, humiliating, and frustrating.

319. I mean, two crooks who broke into my house,

320. Tied me up, and stole all my stuff.

321. Now you're angry, huh?

322. Oh, i'm furious!

323. And in pain.

324. Carl... I should have fought those lowlifes.

325. But no.

326. I just sat there in my french provincial side chair

327. And let them call me a four-eyed nerd boy.

328. Steve, you did the right thing.

329. You survived.

330. I know you feel miserable,

331. But at least you're alive to feel that way.

332. Well...

333. That's true.

334. The only thing that you did wrong

335. Was to hide your feelings about what happened.

336. Well, of course i hid them, big guy.

337. Those feelings are painful.

338. Well, painful feelings only get worse

339. When you bury them.

340. The best way to get rid of them

341. Is to express them.

342. Carl...

343. I'm lucky to have a friend like you

344. To express them to.

345. Aw, come on, now.

346. No, really!

347. Why, you're the best, big guy.

348. And, you, steve,

349. You're here a lot.

350. And to show my appreciation,

351. I'm going to come over a lot more often.

352. What?

353. Well, buds like us should hang out together.

354. I'll be the first thing you see in the morning

355. And the last thing you see at night.

356. Until dawn, big guy!

357. Oh, boy.

358. dawn.

359. Laura...

360. About that quigley's situation—

361. Ziggy...

362. Let's not go down that road again.

363. It just leads to a cliff.

364. Just hear me out.

365. Alright, you were right.

366. Getting these computers has nothing to do

367. With whether or not they rip off their customers.

368. No, no, no.

369. You were right to care about the customers.

370. We should... Follow that up.

371. Maybe we shouldn't.

372. No. You're right. I'm wrong.

373. No. You're right. I'm wrong.

374. Okay.

375. Laura, shouldn't we...

376. Talk about what we really need to talk about?

377. What are you talking about?

378. There's something happening between us.

379. I know.

380. But what's happening just can't happen.

381. You're right.

382. Yeah.

383. Why am i right?

384. 'cause we're complete opposites.

385. I'm a spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment,

386. Bull-by-the-horn kinda guy.

387. And i'm a patient, think-it-through, kinda girl.

388. We're completely wrong for each other.

389. It would be a disaster. Nuclear meltdown.

390. So then we agree?

391. Friends?

392. Yeah, friends.

393. Wow.

394. Ditto.

395. I think this calls for a celebration.

396. Dinner?

397. I'd love it. Luigi's?

398. Perfect.

399. I'll make a reservation—

400. No! No. Let's just go.

401. What if there's no tables?

402. We'll go somewhere else.

403. That's that...

404. Spontaneous thing, isn't it?

405. Yeah.

406. And calling for reservations...

407. I'll bet you always do practical stuff like that.

408. Yeah.

409. This will never work.

410. Never.

411. I just can't deal with you.

412. Me? You're the problem.

413. Why?

414. Because you're a pushy, egotistical, pompous jerk.

415. Look who's talking, miss prissy, uptight brat!