Family Matters 5x16

Directed by John Tracy

Tom Poston as Mr. Looney • Clyde Kusatsu as Principal Edgar Shimata • Shavar Ross as Weasel • Michelle Thomas as Myra Monkhouse

When accident-prone Steve is blamed for a chemistry lab explosion, Laura represents him at a school trial.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Mm-mm-mm.

2. Hey, steve.

3. Shh! Not when i'm pouring.

4. Whew! Check out the thong on this babe!

5. I bet they call it a thong

6. Because when you pull it off, it goes thong-ong-ong.

7. Harold.

8. Aah!

9. What is it, steven?

10. I need some extra time on my science fair project.

11. Can i stay after class?

12. Well, i suppose.

13. Oh, thanks, teach.

14. When i publish, you're in acknowledgment.

15. Say, eddo, want to skip lunch

16. And do lab work with me?

17. Apparently not.

18. How you doing, yuckel?

19. Oh, what do you want, thornhill?

20. Don't waste your time on a science fair project this year

21. 'cause i'm going to win first prize.

22. Yeah? You'd better lay off the pickles before bedtime,

23. 'cause you're dreaming!

24. Don't you ever point a rubber glove at me!

25. You're wound a little tight, dexter.

26. Grab a nap.

27. Alright for you, mr. Brainy pants.

28. One day you'll mess up,

29. And i'll be there to rub your face in it.

30. Ooh, i'm just shaking in my lab coat.

31. Who calculated the speed at which a body projected horizontally

32. From a mountain will leave the earth

33. And begin revolving around it?

34. Isaac newton. Who founded modern chemistry

35. By experiments leading to his theory about the nature of combustion?

36. Hah! Antoine lavoisier.

37. Who assigned the motion to the earth

38. After the manner of the wheel being carried on its own axis?

39. Uh... Uh... Johann kepler?

40. Wrong! Thanks for playing the game.

41. It was nicolaus copernicus.

42. Now, scram, you tourist.

43. Did you do that?

44. No.

45. I didn't do that.

46. Ma... Platforms?

47. You're pretty cool.

48. Then i've been cool for 20 years

49. Because that's how old these shoes are.

50. I got to talk to you about steve.

51. Oh, you mean the explosion?

52. Steve say he didn't do it, but nobody believes him.

53. They want to expel him.

54. Really? For a little explosion?

55. It wasn't that little.

56. One of the lab tables hasn't come down yet.

57. Well, i really feel bad for steve.

58. Yeah. Me, too.

59. There may be something i could do to help him,

60. But i'd have to stick my neck out.

61. What is it?

62. I could represent steve at a student trial.

63. That's a great idea.

64. Yeah, i think i'll do it.

65. But if i won the case, i'd ruin the party.

66. What party?

67. The one the kids want to throw

68. The day steve gets expelled.

69. Uh-oh.

70. Yo, weasel. I don't see two seats together.

71. Relax. I'll handle it.

72. I thought i just saw you outside.

73. Oh, that must've been somebody else kissing on your girl.

74. Well done, g.

75. Hey, waldo.

76. What's up?

77. What's up with that?

78. I'm the bay leaf.

79. You mean the bailiff.

80. Yeah, but you're saying it wrong.

81. Enunciate. Baaay... Leaf.

82. Okay, so you're the bay leaf.

83. Why you wearing that outfit?

84. 'cause bay leaves are supposed to wear a uniform,

85. And i didn't want to look stupid.

86. All rise.

87. You've seen him in the halls.

88. Now here he is live in our courtroom

89. Playing our judge, principal shimata!

90. Thank you, waldo.

91. Be seated.

92. Steven q. Urkel, you are charged with...

93. Well, blowing the lab to smithereens.

94. What is your plea?

95. Oh, most respected master of learning... I am innocent!

96. Duly noted.

97. Oh, kind and wise educator...

98. I put my fate

99. In your worthy hands

100. Sit down and stop sucking up.

101. Yes, sir.

102. Alright.

103. Let's proceed.

104. Is the prosecution ready?

105. Yes, sir, i'm ready. Really ready. That's me—mr. Ready.

106. Good lord. Grab a nap.

107. Is the defense ready?

108. Ready, your honor. At this time, i'd like to—

109. Stop!

110. Steven didn't blow up the chemistry lab.

111. What? What?

112. I did.

113. Order!

114. Order!

115. Another outburst like that,

116. And i'll clear the cafeteria.

117. Miss monkhouse, you blew up the science lab?

118. Guilty as charged, sir.

119. Myra. My-my...

120. Myra, you weren't even in school that day.

121. You were home waiting for the cable installer.

122. Shh. Please, darling, let me take the fall for you.

123. But why?

124. If you get expelled, your life will be ruined.

125. But what about yours?

126. Without you, i have no life.

127. I won't let you do this.

128. I'm innocent, and i must clear my name.

129. You're so brave.

130. You're so noble.

131. I love you so much!

132. I withdraw my confession and humbly beg your forgiveness.

133. Just take a seat.

134. She is one sick puppy.

135. Mr. Thornhill, call your first witness.

136. The prosecution calls mr. Harold sweeney.

137. Raise your right hand and repeat after me.

138. I said your right hand.

139. That is my right hand.

140. Oh, cool.

141. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

142. And nothing but the truth,

143. In sickness and health, till death do you part?

144. I'm not getting married.

145. Well, chin up. You'll find that right girl some day.

146. Mr. Sweeney, it was your classroom that exploded.

147. That's true.

148. And the last person you saw there was...

149. Steve urkel.

150. Thank you.

151. Your witness.

152. Mr. Sweeney, did you actually see the explosion?

153. No, i didn't.

154. Then you don't really know who caused it.

155. No, i don't.

156. No further questions.

157. I call officer carl winslow.

158. Officer winslow,

159. You're steve urkel's next-door neighbor?

160. Yes.

161. And has mr. Urkel ever caused any damage

162. To your home or property?

163. Well, a little bit, but nothing major.

164. Hey, wait! Steve!

165. Don't, don't, steve!

166. You don't call those things...

167. Major?

168. Well, i still have my health.

169. Your witness.

170. Officer winslow...

171. Yes, honey?

172. You've described several of steve's so-called disasters.

173. Did he ever deny causing any of these mishaps?

174. Well, no.

175. So he always accepts responsibility for his mistakes.

176. Yes.

177. Then why has he denied causing this explosion?

178. Oh, well, it's simple. He didn't do it.

179. Objection.

180. Calls for conclusion...

181. And makes me look bad.

182. Sustained.

183. And it's your suit that makes you look bad.

184. Thank you, officer winslow.

185. Anytime, sweetheart.

186. At this time, your honor,

187. The prosecution rests...

188. After a job well done.

189. Is the defense ready to proceed?

190. We are.

191. The defense calls steven q. Urkel.

192. Mr. Urkel...

193. Yes, babycakes?

194. Will you please tell us what you were doing in the lab

195. On the day in question?

196. I was working on my science fair project.

197. And specifically what is that?

198. Ooh. A revolutionary graffiti remover.

199. I call it, "tag be gone."

200. Are any of the chemicals in your solvent flammable?

201. Oh, yes, yes. But i'm a scientist,

202. And i treat all my chemicals with r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

203. Stop it!

204. Mr. Urkel,

205. Please tell the court in your own words exactly what happened.

206. Well, i was mixing a batch of solvent

207. When our crackerjack janitor mr. Looney entered the room.

208. Well, we exchanged pleasantries

209. And rapped about mops—

210. You know, cotton vs. Sponge.

211. Then i went into the storage room

212. To get a bigger, better beaker,

213. And a few moments later,

214. I heard a loud explosion.

215. Thank you, mr. Urkel.

216. Oh, no sweat, my pet.

217. Mr. Urkel, the explosion occurred at your lab station,

218. And cheese was found in the bunsen burner.

219. Tell the court what your favorite food is.

220. The food you live for,

221. The food that is often found on your breath.

222. Cheese.

223. Cheese.

224. I think i speak for all society when i say...

225. You make me sick.

226. The defense calls mr. Alfred looney.

227. Mr. Looney—

228. Uh, that's loone.

229. It's french.

230. I see.

231. You are the janitor here at vanderbilt high?

232. Oui.

233. This is a charred lunchbox found in the rubble

234. That used to be the science lab. Is it yours?

235. Yeah.

236. I hold in my hand a sandwich... Yours?

237. Yeah.

238. Here.

239. Tell me, what is that yellow substance?

240. Uh...

241. That'd be cheese.

242. Cheese? Cheese? Cheese?

243. Why don't you tell us what really happened that day?

244. Well, i was... I was emptying trash...

245. And steven urkel interrupted me.

246. He bugged me with a bunch of stupid questions about mops...

247. And cotton and sponge. Who cares?

248. Finally, he went in the storage room,

249. And i decided to heat my sandwich

250. On his bunsen burner.

251. Oh, so you blew up the science lab.

252. No! No. No. Just as my cheese started to melt,

253. My beeper went off.

254. It was an emergency—

255. Road kill in the parking lot.

256. So i tossed the sandwich back in my lunchbox

257. And skedaddled.

258. A couple minutes later,

259. The dad-blame place exploded.

260. But i swear the lab was fine when i left.

261. Sir, why didn't you come forward with this information?

262. I was afraid if i got in trouble,

263. They wouldn't let me be in the school play.

264. I'm—i'm billy bigelow in carousel.

265. Thank you. Thank you...

266. Sir.

267. Uh, no further questions.

268. Okay? You alright? Okay.

269. Your witness, mr. Thornhill.

270. No questions for the singing janitor.

271. Get a haircut.

272. The defense calls its final witness...

273. Dexter thornhill.

274. For the past three years,

275. You've won second place in the annual science fair.

276. Who took first place?

277. Yuckel.

278. Yuckel.

279. You don't like steve urkel, do you?

280. No. I don't.

281. In fact, you hate him, don't you?

282. That's right.

283. Enough to blow up the science lab yourself

284. And frame him for it?

285. That's insane.

286. Is it?

287. Here's what really occurred that tragic day...

288. steve was in the storage room

289. When mr. Looney was called away.

290. That's when you entered the scene.

291. You added explosive chemicals to steve's beaker

292. And turned the bunsen burner up high.

293. Then you hightailed it out of the room,

294. And moments later it exploded.

295. Nice story, but it's pure fiction.

296. Oh? Well, what if i told you i could prove it?

297. How?

298. Your honor, this is a black light.

299. It detects phosphorescent paints or chemicals.

300. Lights, please.

301. laura, what's the relevance here?

302. Simply this.

303. The explosive chemicals in steve's graffiti solvent

304. Are phosphorescent.

305. When they come in contact with human skin,

306. Traces remain detectable for several days.

307. Mr. Thornhill, show me your hands.

308. Lights, please.

309. Okay, okay, i did it!

310. I deserved to win last year's science fair.

311. I'm tired of studying until 4:00 in the morning

312. While urkel glances at a page and gets as!

313. Darn you, urkel. Darn you to heck.

314. Your honor, in light of this dramatic development,

315. I ask that all charges against steve be dropped.

316. Case dismissed.