Family Guy 7x15

Directed by Dominic Bianchi

George Wendt as Norm Peterson (voice) • Richard Dreyfuss as Richard Dreyfuss / Narrator (voice) • Adam West as Mayor Adam West / Ace Merrill (voice) • Roy Scheider as Roy Scheider / Narrator (voice) • Patrick Warburton as Joe Swanson / Joey Duchamp / Boggs (voice)

Peter imagines his friends and family in three of Stephen King's most famous works. Stand by Me parody - Twelve-year old Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe travel along a railroad track on a journey of self-discovery. Misery parody - Brian is injured in a bad car crash only to be "rescued" by his "number one fan," Stewie. The Shawshank Redemption parody - Cleveland and Peter become fast friends in prison.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. It seems today that all you see

2. Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3. But where are those Good old-fashioned values

4. On which we used to rely?

5. Lucky there's a family guy

6. Lucky there's a man who positively can do

7. All the things that make us

8. Laugh and cry

9. He's a family guy!

10. Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal.

11. You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV

12. and don't read enough books.

13. So, I went to the library and picked up three books

14. by the greatest author of the last thousand years:

15. Stephen King.

16. And tonight, I'd like to share them with you.

17. We begin with a little tale called "Stand By Me,"

18. about four young boys who went looking for a dead body

19. and instead found themselves.

20. And also a dead body.

21. The year was 1955.

22. And the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss.

23. I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12.

24. There was me, Petey LeChance...

25. Anyone else fed up with this oversaturation of media?

26. Three channels and still nothing on.

27. Then there was Joey Duchamps.

28. The voice in his head was Roy Scheider.

29. How are you, Richard?

30. Fine, Roy, how are you?

31. Good, good.

32. We should grab a drink sometime and catch up,

33. maybe reminisce about Jaws.

34. Great, you should give mea call sometime.

35. My number's 555...

36. Wait, wait. What? 555? Uh, yeah.

37. You know what, Richard,

38. if you don't want to have drinks, just say so.

39. You don't have to be a dick about it.

40. Oh, please, make the voices stop!

41. And then there wasQuag Chambers.

42. He was the leader of our gang.

43. He had sex when he was five

44. and committed his first rape when he was ten.

45. Rape, of course, being legal in the '50s.

46. Beat those cards, fellas!

47. Giggity, giggity, '50s giggity.

48. Hey, you guys...

49. Finally, there was Cleve Brown, my pudgy, Black friend.

50. I can still see him now, all pudgy and Black.

51. Cleve, please, we're busy looking at Playboy.

52. Look at the way these women starve themselves.

53. This one can't be more than 180 pounds.

54. This is way better than Playboy.

55. Do you guys want to see a dead body?

56. Cleve, it's 1955.

57. Please reenter the clubhouse

58. in a more stereotypically animated fashion.

59. Lord Almighty, I done seen me a dead body down by the lake!

60. Sure 'nough, I thought I'd go deaf and dumb

61. when I saw me that dead bod...

62. Cleve, calm down! You're not making any sense!

63. Everyday, it's a-gettin' closer

64. Anything was possible as we set out that day.

65. Except contracting AIDS, because AIDS had not yet

66. been invented by the government in an effort

67. to eradicate the homosexual community.

68. Have gun, will travel

69. Reads the card of a man

70. A knight without armor In a savage land

71. Okay, I got another one.

72. Show me that smile again

73. Ooh, show me that smile

74. Don't waste another minute on your crying

75. We decided to cut through Old Man Pressman's junkyard,

76. even though legend had it

77. that any kid caught scaling the fence ran the risk

78. of being attacked by the old man's dog,

79. who would charge to the cry of'Chopper, sic balls."

80. I got a bad feeling about this.

81. Hey! What are you kids doing?

82. Oh, no, it's him!

83. That's right. I'm Old Man Pressman. I own the junkyard.

84. I'm cranky 'cause all my stuff is junk. Why can't I have nice things?

85. Chopper, sic 'em! Sic 'em, boy!

86. Now, he said, "Sic 'em, boy," but what I heard was,

87. "Chopper, talk todisfigured World War II veterans

88. "who aren't as bitter as they should be."

89. Glad I could do my part.

90. I think you may have done too much.

91. Hey, how about this brand new thing

92. called rock and roll?

93. Even though it was just invented, we already remember it fondly.

94. Here's Little Richard with "Piano Riff Woo!"

95. Woo

96. Woo

97. Woo

98. Woo

99. - Woo

100. - Woo

101. Woo

102. My ass!

103. Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus?

104. Black guy.

105. Uh, guys, anyone know when the next train is scheduled?

106. Don't worry, if a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion.

107. Train!

108. My legs!

109. Another train!

110. What an odd, clustered train schedule!

111. Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey.

112. Oh, it's all right.

113. Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair.

114. Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry.

115. Ooh!

116. Well, there it is.

117. None of us could breathe.

118. The twisted and mangled body we had come to see

119. was far more disgusting than any of us

120. could ever have imagined.

121. He's nasty.

122. Out of my way, you little pipsqueaks.

123. I'm taking credit for finding this body.

124. It was the meanest guy in town,

125. Ace, and his whole gang:

126. Beast-Man, Mer-Man, and forsome reason Norm from Cheers.

127. Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?

128. Now get lost. We'll take it from here.

129. Kiss my grits, you cheap dime store hood.

130. This ain't over, LeChance.

131. I mean, you have a gun right now, but tomorrow,

132. I'll get a gun and come to your house and kill you.

133. Oh.

134. Yeah, I guess you could do that, huh?

135. I mean, we live in the same town.

136. And I can't just be on my guard for the rest of my life.

137. Boy, that is a major hole in this story. Okay, take the body.

138. We never forgot that wonderful summer,

139. and eventually we all went our separate ways.

140. Joey learned to live without the use of his legs,

141. and even went on to create a wheelchair-type rugby game

142. called "Don't Feel Sorry for Us Ball."

143. Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romjin.

144. Actually, I'm not even joking about that.

145. The fat kid from Stand By Me is now marriedto Rebecca Romjin.

146. Can you believe that? I swear to God. Look it up on the Internet.

147. Doesn't that piss you off?

148. Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor.

149. Unfortunately, about a week ago,

150. he took an overdose of designer drugs at the Viper Room.

151. He died on the curb outside.

152. And now we're left with a hare-lipped reminder

153. of what might have been.

154. Hi. Welcome back from commercials.

155. Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching,

156. you are a good sport and a trouper.

157. And you passed our test. And you can be our friend.

158. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last.

159. Here's Misery.

160. Marcia, I've done it.

161. I've finished the book, and Snuggly Jeff is dead,

162. and the readers are just gonna love it.

163. Paul, I still wish I could talk you out of this.

164. Snuggly Jeff is the most successful children's book series ever.

165. Yeah, but I want to get into writing more serious stuff.

166. You know, something where the reader doesn't have

167. a load in his pants while he's looking at it.

168. Well, we'll talk about it when you get back.

169. This just in.

170. The weather service has reported a big snow storm on its way.

171. Oh, my God! Stephen King!

172. Hey, this would make a neat story!

173. Done.

174. I'm your number one fan. I'm your number one fan.

175. I'm your number one fan.

176. Who... Who are you?

177. I'm Stewie Wilkes. I saved your life.

178. You were in a terrible car accident and you broke both your legs.

179. I taste lipstick. Am I wearing lipstick?

180. Not anymore.

181. Um, Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no.

182. But I couldn't help but notice the new Snuggly Jeff manuscript in your bag,

183. and I was wondering if I could read it, then kill you if I hate it?

184. Well, I guess that'd be okay.

185. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

186. Can I read it while I touch your ear and suck my thumb?

187. - Uh, I guess. - Oh, goody, goody!

188. Stewie?

189. I just finished the book, you dirty birdie.

190. How could you? He can't be dead.

191. Snuggly Jeff cannot be dead!

192. Look, Stewie, I've gone as far as I can with Snuggly Jeff,

193. and I... I want to write something more serious.

194. Well, you are gonna write Snuggly Jeff back to life, Mr. Man.

195. Look, Stewie, first of all, you're insane.

196. And second of all, I have to be inspired before I write.

197. Well, how about a little TV?

198. We now return to Magnum B.M.

199. Magnum, I found a fingerprint smudge at the crime scene.

200. Do you have poo on your hands?

201. A little.

202. No, no, no. This won't do, Paul.

203. You can't just have Snuggly Jeff

204. magically brought back to life by a child's wish.

205. - It's insulting to the reader. - What do you mean?

206. Well, it's just bad storytelling.

207. Let's see. How can I explain this to you?

208. - Did you ever see the movie Contact? - Yeah.

209. So, like, they spent a trillion dollars building this mile-high

210. space machine and Jake Busey blows it up, so now, they're all like,

211. "Oh, no. We can't use the space machine."

212. But then this other guy's like, "Hey, it just so happens,

213. "I built another identical trillion-dollar space machine

214. "at my own expense on the other side of the world."

215. And we're supposed to believe no one noticed that?

216. Well, I stood up in the theater, and I said,

217. "No! You can't go into space because the machine

218. "already got blown up by Jake cock-a-doody Busey!"

219. Start over!

220. Fine. But you're going to have to go into town

221. and get me some more paper. I'm all out.

222. I don't know, Paul.

223. Let me see if I can get the Big Wheel started.

224. Oh, I don't know, Paul. It's not starting.

225. Oh, I'm afraid I'm going to flood it.

226. Okay. I got it now. I'll see you in a bit.

227. He's too big for that car.

228. - Mr. Sheldon? - Oh, my God. I'm saved.

229. Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back.

230. Ahh! My legs!

231. Now I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair.

232. No, you're not.

233. Well, that's it, Stewie. The book is done.

234. Can I go now?

235. Oh, no, Paul. I'm not stupid.

236. If I let you go, you'll just run straight to the police

237. and tell them I kidnapped you and held you hostage

238. and fondled you while you were asleep.

239. No, I won't... Wait. What?

240. You'll tell them that while you were sleeping,

241. I did things to you that you don't remember.

242. You fondled me while I was asleep?

243. - Yeah. - I don't think I like that.

244. Well, it's done.

245. Everybody still awake? All right. Big finish.

246. Now, you remember that Stephen King story

247. when the guy went up to the empty hotel

248. and there were those creepy twins

249. and the guy was running around with that ax

250. and the kid talked to his finger?

251. Aw, can't you see Stewie doing that?

252. Well, here's The Shawshank Redemption.

253. The first time I laid eyes on Andy Dufresne,

254. I didn't think much of him.

255. He was a fat drink of water.

256. The kind of drink of water that you know your friend got

257. from the bathroom and not from the kitchen.

258. Five packs of cigarettes says the fat one breaks first tonight.

259. You're on. I'll take the Don-Martin-looking one.

260. A month went by before Andy said two words to somebody.

261. As it turned out, that somebody was me.

262. Vagina boob.

263. Later, Andy came back with more than two words.

264. I understand you're a man who knows how to get things.

265. I've been known to procure various and sundry items.

266. I... I don't understand what you just said.

267. I need stuff. Can you get it?

268. What do you need?

269. - I need a rock hammer. - What's it for?

270. I carve Star Wars figurines out of stone.

271. But it's also for not tunneling my way out of here.

272. Wow. Can you carve me a set of women's private parts

273. - out of stone? - Sure.

274. Or you could just have sex with Helen Hunt.

275. Oh, we've only had one conversation,

276. but I can tell we're going to be lifelong friends.

277. And since you're Black and I'm white,

278. that makes it more a-special for the audience.

279. Inspection!

280. You Andy Dufresne?

281. A little bit. You?

282. I'm just tweaking your bum. What can I do for you?

283. I understand you make Star Wars figurines.

284. Oh, Grievous! Wicked!

285. Well, anyway, I'm a pretty corrupt guy,

286. so I figured I could sell your figurines and pocket the cash.

287. What do you say?

288. - I don't know. - Oh, come on.

289. I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower.

290. - But I like that guy. - Too late.

291. Oh, my legs!

292. Two things never happened againafter that.

293. Boggs never walked again,

294. and Andy's farts never made a sound again.

295. Thanks to the Star Wars figurines Andy carved,

296. he landed a cushy job cleaning the warden's office.

297. Okay. You clean up the warden's office

298. while I go pop out a pinecone.

299. A few times I've been around that track

300. So it's not just gonna happen like that

301. 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl

302. I ain't no hollaback girl...

303. To this day, I have no idea what that womanwas singing about.

304. Like, literally, no idea.

305. I don't know what a hollaback girl is,

306. but I have to imagine it'sa foul, disease-ridden thing

307. that wears too much makeup to cover up the fact

308. that it's a 47-year-old fish-dog.

309. Andy, I think you know why I've called you in here today.

310. A prison is an environment which requires the highest level of discipline.

311. And that little stunt you pulled today...

312. That little stunt you pulled today made a lot of people look very foolish.

313. Look, Warden, we got it rough in here.

314. I just thought we could use a little music.

315. Music is expressly forbidden inside prison walls.

316. My God, how could you be so obtuse?

317. What did you call me?

318. Obtuse. You're being obtuse.

319. Two months in the hole.

320. Or am I being obtuse?

321. No. Now you're being acute.

322. That time in the hole changed ol' Andy.

323. I'm getting out of here tonight, Red.

324. I'm going to take the poop pipe to the crap swamp.

325. Wow. Where you headed once you get out?

326. Zijuatanejo.

327. Sounds fancy.

328. Well, actually, it's a filthy Mexican village.

329. Listen, Red. When you get out of here,

330. I want you to do something for me.

331. Up in a hay field in Buxton, Maine, under an old oak tree,

332. there's a rock that has no earthly business being there.

333. Under that rock is a box with something I want you to have.

334. 'Course, now I think about it, I been in here 25 years.

335. All these landmarks are based on possibly outdated observations.

336. That whole area could be a Wal-Mart by now.

337. If it is, pick yourself up some nice, cheap pants

338. and good life to you.

339. - Inspection!

340. Dufresne? Dufresne!

341. Dufresne, you'd better get your ass out here

342. before you make me cut this sentence shor...

343. Where is he? Where the hell is Dufresne?

344. - I don't know, sir. - I want him found now.

345. Not after breakfast.

346. Not after CSI.

347. Now!

348. God, I'm so angry, I could just throw a rock

349. at that poster of David Cassidy.

350. What the warden and his boys didn't realize

351. was that Andy Dufresne had escaped from Shawshank Prison

352. the night before.

353. No one told you

354. Life was gonna be this way...

355. Andy crawled to freedom

356. through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine.

357. Andy Dufresne,

358. the man who crawled through a river of poop

359. and came out clean on the other side.

360. Why he chose enchilada night, I will never know.

361. Do you believe, in your best judgment,

362. that you have been rehabilitated?

363. Rehabilitated?

364. It's just a stupid, made-up word

365. so boys like you can sit behind a desk, wear a fancy suit

366. and feel important.

367. You're a jerk and I had sex with your mother last night.

368. And I swear to God, you let me out of here,

369. first thing I'm gonna do is kill again.

370. When I got out of Shawshank,

371. there was only one thing on my mind:

372. a promise I made to a friend that I had to keep.

373. Walk along the stone wall until you reach the tree,

374. and that's where you'll find the rock.

375. "Dear Red, if you've come this far,

376. "maybe you're willing to go a little further.

377. "You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?"

378. Crap!

379. What? Oh! Oh, is that him?

380. Is it? Nope. Nope. Beach dog.

381. Oh! Oh! Is that Red?

382. Is it? No, no. Not him, either.

383. Where the hell is that jagoff? There's like 1,200 bucks in that box.

384. Oh, my God, if he ran off with that...

385. Oh, I am going to be so pissed.

386. And what am I gonna do? Go to the authorities?

387. I just broke out of prison.

388. Now what, I got to spend the rest of my life here by myself?

389. Well, at least I won't have to be self-conscious about my farting.

390. Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King.

391. We'll see you in court.

392. Now stay tuned for whatever Fox is limping to the barn with.