Family Guy 7x14

Directed by John Holmquist

Craig Ferguson as Craig Ferguson • Jimmy Fallon as Jimmy Fallon • Kate Todd as Heidi Montag (voice) • Lauren Conrad Tell as Lauren Conrad (voice) • Whitney Port as Whitney Port (voice)

When Brian discovers that his beloved Jillian is getting married, he hits the sauce to drown his sorrows. The next morning, he wakes up with more than a hangover. After realizing he has hooked up with "The Hills" star Lauren Conrad, he wants to run and hide. When Brian discovers Lauren is nothing like how she's portrayed on TV, he thinks he may have found his perfect match – if only he can let Jillian go.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV

2. But where are those good old-fashioned values

3. On which we used to rely?

4. Lucky there's a family guy

5. Lucky there's a man who positively can do

6. All the things that make us

7. Laugh and cry!

8. He's a family guy!

9. Hey, everybody. Look what came in the mail.

10. We got invitations to Jillian's wedding.

11. "Jillian's wedding"? She's getting married?

12. Wow, that's great.

13. It looks like she finally found someone

14. after dating that last loser.

15. She dated someone after me?

16. No. See how I set up my own joke?

17. You walked right into it, Brian.

18. Walk right in

19. Sit right down

20. Stewie's gonna make you the fool

21. Peter, here's your invite.

22. Chris, Meg,

23. Stewie and me.

24. Uh... probably one more in there.

25. No, doesn't look like it.

26. Oh, yeah, here it is. Brian.

27. Oh, no, wait, it's for "B-Ryan."

28. Aw, cool, Mrs. G.

29. Thanks for letting me stay here the last couple weeks.

30. I've enjoyed his company.

31. She invited everybody except me?

32. What the hell? We dated for six months.

33. Ouch. Well, Brian, looks like you're the odd man out,

34. like a non-praying mantis.

35. Bless us, O Lord, for these gifts we are about to receive.

36. Help us to be mindful of all our blessings and...

37. Brian, I'm filling out my RSVP card

38. and I don't know whether I should get

39. the salmon or the Snausages.

40. They're having Snausages?

41. Yeah, it sounds like fun.

42. Big deal. I could care less about going to that wedding.

43. Well, look on the bright side, it frees you up

44. to go to Cleveland's barbecue.

45. Cleveland's having a barbecue?

46. Oh, boy, this is really awkward.

47. None of this is awkward.

48. I've moved on from Jillian.

49. I've dated plenty of other girls since her.

50. I never do computer dating.

51. Yeah, me neither.

52. So, you're 27?

53. Well, that picture was, you know,

54. it was posted a couple years ago.

55. So, you're... You're a golden retriever?

56. Well, it's a retriever mix

57. esapeake bay... bra-doodle.

58. Where is that waitress?

59. Fine, if you're so over her, we should all go out to dinner.

60. You, me, Jillian, and her fiancé,

61. unless you're uncomfortable.

62. I would have no problem with that.

63. I'd love to meet the fiancé.

64. Great, and I'm sure DeShawn would love to meet you.

65. - "DeShawn"? - Ahh, his name's Derek!

66. But look at your face!

67. We now return to The Hills.

68. Justin Bobby was supposed to be here already.

69. - Are you still going out with him? - I guess so.

70. I hate how he pushes his bangs

71. out of his face with every word he says.

72. Um, order me a beer.

73. I have to find a spot for my motorcycle.

74. Hi, guys.

75. - Hi, Jillian. - Oh, hey, Jillian.

76. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.

77. Oh, are they showing?

78. It's a really thin bra.

79. Peter, I came over to ask you something.

80. Will you give me away at my wedding?

81. Wow, sure. That'd be great.

82. Jillian, don't you want your own father to give you away?

83. Lois, don't ruin this for me.

84. Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal.

85. Mmm, this Kix cereal is good-tasting.

86. And it's good for you.

87. Nyah!

88. My father can't give me away 'cause he's dead.

89. - Peter would be happy to do the honors.

90. Plus, when's the next time you're going

91. to get to give a bride away?

92. I know! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

93. You can give me away when I get married, Dad.

94. Nyah!

95. Merci, mademoiselle, and for the gentlemen?

96. Yeah, can I have, uh, this third thing down please?

97. Ah, very good, sir, and for you?

98. Ah, bon, excellent. Merci, monsieur.

99. Wow, Derek, that's...

100. pretty good French you speak there.

101. He also speaks orange!

102. - Mandarin, honey. - Mandolin!

103. Whoa!

104. Hey, hey, hey, what luck, huh?

105. Wow, sweetie, that was amazing!

106. I don't think I could do that again in a million years.

107. - Ow! - Ow!

108. I caught this piece.

109. Oh, my God, sir, are you all right?

110. I don't know.

111. I actually just had elbow surgery.

112. I wasn't even supposed to come in to work today.

113. Why would you trip me deliberately?

114. I'm sorry. - Dinner's going great.

115. You know, I can probably help you with that elbow.

116. Does that feel better?

117. Yeah, it feels a lot better.

118. - Wow, you're the best man ever! - Oh, hardly.

119. Excuse me, I'm just going to use the restroom really quick.

120. - I'll go with you. - Oh, my God, gay.

121. Shut up. He's obviously some sort of superman.

122. I just... I just need to know

123. if he has any shortcomings.

124. - It'll make me feel better. - You are not even...

125. You're going in there to look...

126. That's even gayer.

127. Oh, come on!

128. Can I have another bourbon, please?

129. Hey, blondie.

130. You want to get together with my dogwood?

131. - What? - "Dogwood."

132. You know, like, like Dogwood and Blondie.

133. - Like in the funnies? - You mean Dagwood?

134. Dagwood, that's what it is.

135. Hey, how about this one?

136. You want to take a Wizard on my Id?

137. You remind me of my stepdad.

138. Oh, man.

139. What the hell did I do last night?

140. Good morning.

141. Oh, my God! You're Lauren Conrad!

142. - Yeah. - From The Hills.

143. Yeah, you seem surprised.

144. No, no, it's just, I...

145. I mean, I probably had a lot to drink last night,

146. so if I did anything that might've offended you,

147. - I'm sorry. - No, it's okay.

148. I have a dog, so I've had to cut poop out of his fur before.

149. Oh. Oh, thanks.

150. Well, otherwise, it was a fun night though, right?

151. So fun.

152. You know, I had a really fun night, Brian.

153. You seem like a really cool guy.

154. Yeah, um, hey, you know, if you don't mind,

155. I'm sort of a low-profile kind of person.

156. So I'm going to take off

157. before anybody gets the wrong idea here.

158. Hey!

159. Brian, is that you? Is that Lauren Con...

160. Oh, yeah, My Go... I was shopping for hats.

161. Hang on. I'm coming over!

162. Oh, no.

163. Don't go anywhere! Stay right there!

164. Who's that? Oh, it's just this jerk that goes to my school.

165. You go to school?

166. No, I just lied to you and I'm not really sure why.

167. Is this the longest light ever or what?

168. Ah, there we go!

169. Oh, my God, how do you two know each other?

170. Uh, we actually just met.

171. Well, I'm Stewie.

172. I'm Lauren. It's good to meet you.

173. I love the show. Do you need a gay friend on the show—

174. - A friend on the show? - Hey, you know what?

175. I'm actually on my way to go shoot now.

176. If you want, you guys can tag along.

177. Oh, I don't know if we have time.

178. Yes, we would love to!

179. Brian, don't wreck this for me.

180. Oh, my God, I have the perfect hat for this!

181. Listen, Lauren, I'm not super comfortable being on camera.

182. Oh, relax, after a little while,

183. you'll forget they're even there.

184. What's everybody looking at?

185. The salesman told me it was unisex.

186. Hey, those people look familiar.

187. That's Heidi and Spencer.

188. I don't really talk to them.

189. Wow, Spencer does look like a monkey.

190. Spencer, I am so over your selfishness.

191. What do you want? I came out to Hollywood.

192. I'm on camera all day, and I turned my back on my own kind.

193. Ugh, look, there's Brody Jenner.

194. God, what a douchebag.

195. I can't believe that

196. came out of Bruce Jenner's vagina.

197. - Bruce Jenner is a man. - No, Brian.

198. That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not.

199. Bruce Jenner is a woman.

200. An elegant, beautiful Dutch woman.

201. This is where they edit the show together.

202. Lauren, we got a rough cut of next week's episode.

203. - Can you cue that up, Terry? - Sure.

204. I need to be, like, fine

205. to be alone and, like, not even want to date someone, and then

206. I'll know I'll be fine to get into a relationship.

207. That's it?

208. - That was like five seconds. - It's okay.

209. They fill the rest with shots of street signs,

210. and fronts of restaurants,

211. and old footage from The A-Team.

212. Hey, Brian, where were you last night, buddy?

213. Oh, I was, um, I was out.

214. I got a little wrecked after dinner

215. - and I didn't want to drive home. - Oh, yeah?

216. Did you stay in town or did you...

217. head for the hills?

218. Wait a minute, how the hell do

219. you guys know about that already?

220. It's all over the Internet! Look!

221. Does Lauren Conrad have a new beau?

222. An anonymous source has the answers.

223. Oh, yeah, I know that guy. His name's Brian Griffin.

224. And he definitely boned Lauren last night.

225. Great. Great, that's... That's fantastic.

226. Well, I think it's wonderful that you're dating

227. such a classy, well-educated girl like Lauren Con...

228. She's such an idiot, Brian!

229. She's such an idiot!

230. Yeah, hey, you know something, Brian.

231. I bet you make the late night monologues.

232. I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it?

233. This new Lauren Conrad relationship?

234. When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying,

235. "Oh, yeah, we just do it me style."

236. Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin?

237. You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls

238. carry their little dogs around in their purse,

239. but Lauren carries one in her pants.

240. Yeah, so Lauren Conrad

241. and Brian Griffin are now a couple.

242. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone,

243. and he gave it right back.

244. Look, I was drunk out of my mind.

245. I didn't know what I was doing.

246. It was a one-night thing.

247. I have no interest in dating one of those shallow,

248. idiot celebrities who's only famous for being famous.

249. I'm going over to let her down easy.

250. Hey, tell her I like her work in Jake and the Fatman.

251. Oh, no, wait, that was William Conrad.

252. Tell her I like Jake and the Fatman.

253. Can I help you?

254. Yeah, I'm Brian.

255. I'm, uh... the guy all

256. - the comedians have been talking about. - Oh, si.

257. Lauren is in the back.

258. Just follow the music and you will find her.

259. Thanks.

260. Oh, hi, Brian.

261. Wow, hi.

262. That's beautiful. What was that?

263. It's Mozart's Violin Concerto No. 1 in B Flat.

264. Plato's Symposium. This yours?

265. - Oh, yeah. - It's pretty worn out.

266. Yeah, I've read it, like, 100 times.

267. I find Aristophanes' quasi-satirical origin myth

268. regarding the three genders both fantastic and serious.

269. Yeah, that, uh...

270. That always cracked me up.

271. So you read a lot, huh?

272. Yeah, but I try not to let it interfere

273. with my biomolecular research.

274. Biomolec... I don't understand.

275. Come on, I'll show you what I did yesterday.

276. It'll make you feel... young,

277. as when the world was new.

278. You did all this in a day?

279. The matrix formed in a day.

280. The life forms grew later

281. at a substantially accelerated rate.

282. Can I cook, or can't I?

283. This doesn't make any sense.

284. If you're so smart, why do you hide it?

285. Come on, Brian, you know America doesn't like smart people.

286. They elected Bush twice.

287. Yeah, once, but...

288. So, this whole persona is just a publicity stunt?

289. Publicity is what keeps this franchise running, Brian.

290. We're even using state-of-the-art computer animation

291. to create a fake sex tape with me and Bill Cosby.

292. Now you will get ready for the zim-zam

293. and the bappity-bippity.

294. And you will take off your clothes like...

295. And get ready for the most splendiferous

296. pudding pop you have ever seen.

297. All right, Jillian, since I'm giving you away

298. on your wedding day, I want to make sure it all goes off without a hitch.

299. Now, what are your thoughts on a wedding singer?

300. Oh, I thought that maybe I would just

301. deejay the wedding myself.

302. I already made a playlist on this.

303. A box of Junior Mints?

304. This isn't an iPod?

305. Your Junior Mints play mp3s?

306. My iPod is chocolate?

307. Well, be that as it may or not be that,

308. I was thinking I could be your wedding singer.

309. That's a great idea, Peter.

310. Sweet. And I promise you'll be able to understand all the words.

311. Not like Sting,

312. where you can only understand the last three.

313. brand-new day

314. So, did you break up with Lauren?

315. No, I didn't. As a matter of fact,

316. she's coming over for dinner tonight.

317. Say what?

318. Well, Lauren, it's a real pleasure

319. having you here for dinner.

320. Of course, I'm sure this isn't as exciting

321. as your usual cuisine.

322. You know, all that caviar with the little silver spoons.

323. Actually, Mrs. Griffin,

324. caviar spoons are carved from bone.

325. They don't use metal because it reacts chemically

326. with the fish eggs and changes their taste.

327. Oh, well, that's fascinating.

328. You could've just complimented the free food,

329. but one-upping me is another way to go.

330. - So, you know, guys... - Bitch.

331. Lauren just finished a fascinating

332. doctoral thesis on suborbital propulsion mechanisms

333. that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.

334. - Ahh... - Ahh...

335. So, Lauren, um, whenever I'm watching your show,

336. you give me wood.

337. Where do we go from here?

338. Well, I could sign a picture for you.

339. Yeah, sure.

340. That'd be fine. Thank you.

341. So, Lauren, do you and Paris Hilton

342. and Lindsay Lohan all hang out and go drunk driving together?

343. I heard that Lindsay Lohan wasn't driving that night.

344. She was taking the rap for a friend.

345. - Road hog!

346. Oh, no! I already have two strikes!

347. I'll take the wheel, Mr. Magoo.

348. I'm too old to go to prison.

349. They'll rape me!

350. And I'll never see 'em coming, no, I won't.

351. Well, uh, Lauren and I

352. had a great time today at the art museum.

353. There was a special exhibition of rare Monet paintings and...

354. - Manet, honey. - What?

355. It was actually the Manet exhibit.

356. Not Monet, but no big deal.

357. People make that mistake all the time.

358. Oh, right.

359. You know, I don't mean to be rude,

360. but do you have a more comfortable chair?

361. This one's really hurting my back.

362. Oh, my God, Quagmire!

363. You come out from under there.

364. I'm sorry, everybody.

365. I just wanted to meet her so bad.

366. I can't do anything right.

367. I'll go have a talk with him.

368. Hey, buddy. Where are all your pals?

369. Playing baseball.

370. Well, why aren't you playing with them?

371. 'Cause I don't have a glove.

372. Oh, yeah?

373. Gee! Just for me? No foolin'?

374. Nah, just kidding. It's mine.

375. - Oh. - Yeah.

376. Oh, sweetie, dinner with your family

377. was so much fun tonight.

378. Yeah, I think they really liked you.

379. It was so cute

380. when you thought Manet was Monet.

381. Yeah. Yeah, that was— That was... That was a hoot.

382. Oh, hey, how are you liking that

383. unabridged history of Second World War

384. naval tactics in the Pacific theater?

385. Oh, it's really, um, interesting.

386. I'm— I'm at the part where they detail

387. the account of Admiral Halsey's victory at Midway.

388. - You mean Admiral Spruance, sweetie. - Huh?

389. Well, Halsey was hospitalized with psoriasis

390. at the outset of the battle, so Spruance,

391. who, prior to June of 1941, was primarily a desk admiral,

392. was charged with leading the naval fleet at Midway against Japan.

393. A victory which surprised even his peers and, in fact,

394. was the turning point for the American naval forces in the Pacific.

395. No, yeah, that's... That's the part I'm at.

396. Oh, my God, you're so cute

397. when you don't know what you're talking about.

398. Now wait a minute. What the hell does that mean?

399. Are you saying I'm not smart?

400. You don't have to be. You're adorable.

401. Like those calendars that have monkeys in clothes.

402. Look, why don't we talk about this in the morning.

403. I want to finish that book.

404. Sweetie, since when do you wear reading glasses?

405. What, these? I've had these forever.

406. - Honey, those aren't real. - Sure they are.

407. No, they're not.

408. I can see the little Austin Powers logo on the side.

409. What are you talking about? These are my glasses.

410. Yeah, baby!

411. All right, I can't do this!

412. - Can't do what? - I can't date someone

413. who's smarter than I am. I feel like Jillian.

414. Oh...

415. What? What is that?

416. I think I get it.

417. This isn't about me being smarter than you.

418. This is about you still being in love with Jillian.

419. - How do you know that? - Because I'm smarter than you, Brian.

420. Oh, my God!

421. You're right.

422. You know, I thought I was over her, but...

423. I'm not.

424. Somewhere along the line,

425. she must've gotten under my skin.

426. I'm in love with her.

427. How could I have been so "my-o-pic"?

428. "My-ah-pic."

429. Thank you, Lauren.

430. My God, Lauren, what am I going do?

431. I'm still in love with Jillian.

432. Well, there's only one thing you can do, Brian.

433. Tell her how you feel.

434. What's the use? It's over.

435. She's moved on.

436. Well, who knows?

437. Women are complex creatures, Brian.

438. Maybe she just needs to be reminded

439. how much she misses you.

440. And I know exactly how to do that, Brian.

441. She needs to see you on the arm

442. of a beautiful woman.

443. What is this going to do?

444. It's going to make her jealous.

445. You out on the town with a hot date.

446. How are you a hot date?

447. Whoa! You're angry at her, not me.

448. No wonder you're alone.

449. This isn't working at all.

450. - She doesn't even know we're here. - Oh, she will, Brian.

451. And she's going to be upset that your date is so into you.

452. Okay, ready? I've been reading up on things that sound sexy.

453. Oh, Brian, I can't wait till after dinner,

454. 'cause then we'll go home, and you can watch me

455. - have my period. - What the hell's wrong with you?

456. - That's not sexy. - Hey, Brian.

457. I just noticed you over here.

458. Hi, I'm Jillian.

459. - Desiree. - Charmed.

460. Well, I wish we could stay,

461. but we have quite an exciting evening planned.

462. Oh, oh, yeah, right.

463. We're really hitting the town.

464. Yes, we're going douche the night away.

465. Oh. Well, have fun.

466. You two are a really cute couple.

467. Hey, Desiree.

468. Oh. Hey, Lee.

469. Brian, this is Lee.

470. Lee, this is Brian.

471. I know Lee from... Starbucks.

472. Hey, is that Desiree?

473. That's it. I mean...

474. I don't know what else I can do.

475. The wedding's tomorrow,

476. and she hasn't shown any signs of leaving Derek.

477. I've completely run out of options.

478. Not quite, Brian. There's still one thing you can do.

479. What's that?

480. Go for broke.

481. Just throw all your cards on the table at once.

482. Show her that you love her

483. in a way she can't possibly ignore.

484. - Hello?

485. Oh, hey, Lee!

486. No, it's not a bad time.

487. Yeah, I still have those boots.

488. Well, maybe I'll wear 'em and maybe I won't.

489. And now, Jillian, do you take Derek...

490. Wait!

491. Jillian, I'm in love with you.

492. I want you— No, I need you...

493. with all my heart and soul.

494. And my only regret is that

495. I didn't realize it when we were together.

496. Those were the happiest days of my life,

497. and I want more of those days.

498. Please, Jillian... I love you.

499. Will you please take me back?

500. Brian... no.

501. You had your chance.

502. I mean, I thought you were my soul train,

503. but you didn't want me.

504. - Soul mate. - Soul food.

505. I'm sorry,

506. but I'm in love with Derek now.

507. I see.

508. And you really feel that way?

509. Yeah. I mean, he's everything I have,

510. especially since my mom died of cancer.

511. All right, party people, please clear the dance floor

512. for the bride and groom's first dance.

513. And here to sing a romantic ballad

514. is the one and only Sting.

515. fields of gold

516. Hey, buck up there, sport.

517. At least you gave it your all.

518. I guess you're right.

519. I still feel like crap, though.

520. Well, look at it this way. You may have lost Jillian,

521. but you can at least be happy that she's happy.

522. Plus, you can always call Lauren.

523. - No, I can't. - Why not?

524. She's never going to speak to me again.

525. I gave her worms.