1. It seems today that all you see
Is violence in moviesand sex on TVCopy !req
2. But where are those
Good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
3. On which we used to rely?Copy !req
4. Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
5. Lucky there's a man who
Positively can doCopy !req
6. All the things that make usCopy !req
7. Laugh and cry!Copy !req
8. He's a family guy!Copy !req
9. Hey, Quagmire.Copy !req
10. Peter, I want you and the guysCopy !req
11. to come over to my house
right now.Copy !req
12. - We're drinking. What for?
- Just... Just come over.Copy !req
13. - I want you to see something.
All right.Copy !req
14. Come on, guys.
We're going to Quagmire's.Copy !req
15. All right, hang on.Copy !req
16. I got to go to the
bathroom first.Copy !req
17. Okay, let's go.Copy !req
18. Oh, finally.
Come on, come on. Come on inside.Copy !req
19. Well, what is it?Copy !req
20. What's the big damn deal?Copy !req
21. Look.Copy !req
22. It's a cat.Copy !req
23. Yeah! I just
got him today.Copy !req
24. His name's James.Copy !req
25. Isn't he just the cutest
thing you've ever seen?Copy !req
26. Hi, James.Copy !req
27. Oh, my God!Copy !req
28. Watch when I scratch his bottom,
he sticks his fanny in the air.Copy !req
29. Uh, oh, we have liftoff.Copy !req
30. We have liftoff.Copy !req
31. Oh, come here, James.Copy !req
32. What the hell we doing?Copy !req
33. Quagmire, since when
do you like cats?Copy !req
34. Since I found this little guy
living under my house.Copy !req
35. I'll tell you this,
I understand nowCopy !req
36. why the pharaohs
worshipped these animals.Copy !req
37. Oh, look, Joe, he's
making friends.Copy !req
38. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
39. You know, you know what?
It's all right, Quagmire.Copy !req
40. That leg is... Is mostly pus.Copy !req
41. Oh, okay.Copy !req
42. Here it comes, James.Copy !req
43. Here comes the part
I was telling you about.Copy !req
44. Ah!Copy !req
45. You're one of those!Copy !req
46. I hate Quagmire
lately.Copy !req
47. Me, too.Copy !req
48. That cat has totally
changed his personality.Copy !req
49. Yeah, like when I went over
to his house the other day.Copy !req
50. Who is it?Copy !req
51. It's me, Quagmire.Copy !req
52. I need to borrow
your lawn mower.Copy !req
53. Oh, Quagmire's not here.Copy !req
54. It's just me, James.
I'm supposed to watch the house.Copy !req
55. Come on, Quagmire.Copy !req
56. It's 97 degrees out here.
We're two grown men.Copy !req
57. Are you selling yarn?Copy !req
58. 'Cause I love yarn!Copy !req
59. No, I need to borrow
your lawn mower.Copy !req
60. Oh, I don't think
Quagmire wants me to do that.Copy !req
61. Oh, come on.Copy !req
62. I don't think
Quagmire appreciatedCopy !req
63. the condition
you returned it in last time.Copy !req
64. Glenn, can
I just...Copy !req
65. No, you can't have it.Copy !req
66. Hey, guys, it's James'
birthday tomorrow.Copy !req
67. Would you all
sign his card?Copy !req
68. You want us to sign
a card for your cat?Copy !req
69. Yeah, and don't just put your
name, write something clever.Copy !req
70. God, I hate having to come up
with something on the spot.Copy !req
71. Um...Copy !req
72. "Have a mice day.Copy !req
73. "Best fishes.
Peter."Copy !req
74. Thanks. That's great.Copy !req
75. Well, I got
to get going.Copy !req
76. I'm heading off to Vermont to
get James' birthday present.Copy !req
77. There's this neat little
store called CattitudesCopy !req
78. that makes all this
neat cat stuff.Copy !req
79. See you guys later.Copy !req
80. What a queer.Copy !req
81. He's going
all the way to VermontCopy !req
82. for cat gifts and whatnot?Copy !req
83. You can get a scratching postCopy !req
84. down at Walmart
for two dollars.Copy !req
85. Pair of Lee jeans
for nine dollars.Copy !req
86. You know, they got seats
for children nowCopy !req
87. you put them right in your car?Copy !req
88. Supposed to make them safer.Copy !req
89. Only problem is, you can't lean
your seat all the way back. Oh.Copy !req
90. We got to do something
about this.Copy !req
91. His whole life is
about that stupid cat.Copy !req
92. Hey, you know, the cat's alone
at Quagmire's right now.Copy !req
93. You know what
we should do?Copy !req
94. We should go over
there and shave it.Copy !req
95. That's a great idea.Copy !req
96. Let's do it!
Let's shave the cat!Copy !req
97. Oh, boy, I usually
only get this excitedCopy !req
98. when they say the title
of a movie in the movie.Copy !req
99. I'm telling you
these drug dealers representCopy !req
100. a clear and present danger
to the United States.Copy !req
101. Ah! Ah!
He said it! He said it!Copy !req
102. All I'm saying is what if
this is as good as it gets?Copy !req
103. Ah! Ah!
There it is! There it is!Copy !req
104. The only way for me
to solve this crisisCopy !req
105. is to be Superman IV:
the Quest for Peace.Copy !req
106. Oh, that's why
they call it that.Copy !req
107. All right, the cat's
got to be in here.Copy !req
108. Hey, let's take a man-sized poop
in his cat boxCopy !req
109. so he thinks there's something
really wrong with him.Copy !req
110. There it is!Copy !req
111. Rock and roll!Copy !req
112. Yeah! Shaving time!Copy !req
113. All right,
hand me the razor.Copy !req
114. - Oh, my God!
- Peter, you killed it!Copy !req
115. Will you guys relax.Copy !req
116. He's got eight more lives.Copy !req
117. Okay, seven more lives.Copy !req
118. Six.Copy !req
119. Five.Copy !req
120. Four. Three.Copy !req
121. Peter, stop doing
what you're doing.Copy !req
122. What do we do?Copy !req
123. All right, all right,
I have an idea.Copy !req
124. How about we hide the cat's body
and leave that window open?Copy !req
125. And that way, it'll seem
like the cat ran away.Copy !req
126. We'll never get away with that.Copy !req
127. Oh, we just might.Copy !req
128. You see, I've got
a lucky cat's foot.Copy !req
129. You know, Peter, it's sort of
adding insult to injury,Copy !req
130. raiding Quagmire's fridge for
beer after you killed his cat.Copy !req
131. Or is it?Copy !req
132. Is my response.Copy !req
133. Aw, crap.Copy !req
134. God, I hate cops.Copy !req
135. Almost as much as I hated
my overly sensitive car alarm.Copy !req
136. - Son of a bitch!Copy !req
137. What do we got,
partner?Copy !req
138. Empty alcohol containers.Copy !req
139. The driver is inebriated
and covered in blood.Copy !req
140. He's got scratches
on his face and arms.Copy !req
141. There's a blood-soaked corpse
in the backseat.Copy !req
142. Got shovels in there
and a hand-drawn map titledCopy !req
143. "This Is Where
We'll Hide the Body."Copy !req
144. Well, that all
seems fine.Copy !req
145. Sorry to bother
you, sir.Copy !req
146. Pot! Small amount of pot!Copy !req
147. You're under arrest, dirtbag!Copy !req
148. Oh, come on!Copy !req
149. I don't appreciate
drug addicts in my town!Copy !req
150. I'm a family guy.Copy !req
151. Ah! Ah! Ah!
He said it!Copy !req
152. All right, Brian, your
family's here to bail you out.Copy !req
153. Brian, if you don't mind,
we'll start thinking upCopy !req
154. our prison rape jokes
immediately.Copy !req
155. I'll break the ice.Copy !req
156. Hey, Brian, did you do
hard time or hardly working?Copy !req
157. Penis.Copy !req
158. All right, well,
all the pieces are there.Copy !req
159. Somebody make something
out of that.Copy !req
160. Hey, Brian, who's your
favorite baseball player?Copy !req
161. Albert Pujols?Copy !req
162. Chris, stop it!
Come on.Copy !req
163. Brian, we're happy
you're out of jail.Copy !req
164. And when we get
to the car,Copy !req
165. would you like a
doughnut to sit on?Copy !req
166. You see, I'm part of it!Copy !req
167. I'm part of it
like everyone else!Copy !req
168. I can't believe they threw me in
jail for a quarter ounce of pot.Copy !req
169. Well, Brian,
it's your own fault.Copy !req
170. I mean, pot is illegal
for a reason.Copy !req
171. Lois, don't be a hypocrite.Copy !req
172. You've smoked pot.Copy !req
173. Well, sure, Brian,Copy !req
174. but I'm thinking
about the children.Copy !req
175. Pot's illegal mainly
to protect them.Copy !req
176. No, no, pot is illegalCopy !req
177. because William Randolph Hearst
ran a smear campaignCopy !req
178. against marijuana in the 1930sCopy !req
179. to protect his interests
in the timber industryCopy !req
180. because hemp was poised
to replace woodCopy !req
181. as an inexpensive raw material
for the manufacture of paper.Copy !req
182. There's your smear campaign
right there, Brian.Copy !req
183. Mom's right.
Drugs are bad, Brian.Copy !req
184. I mean, haven't you seen
those commercials?Copy !req
185. Open up, Brian. It's Joe.
- Crap.Copy !req
186. Uh, uh, j... Just a sec.Copy !req
187. Brian,
under your probation,Copy !req
188. you're required to submit
to random drug tests.Copy !req
189. I need some urine.Copy !req
190. You mean
right now?Copy !req
191. Yes, right now.Copy !req
192. Here are some magazines
to get you going.Copy !req
193. Uh, how'
that gonna...?Copy !req
194. Oh, sorry,
it's, uh, been a while.Copy !req
195. Look, I don't really feel
comfortable doing this in front of you.Copy !req
196. Fine, I'll wait outside.Copy !req
197. - Here's a bottle of lotion.
- Uh, Joe...Copy !req
198. Right, sorry.Copy !req
199. - Stewie, I need your urine.Copy !req
200. Really?Copy !req
201. Yeah, Joe's doing a drug test,
and if I give him some of mine,Copy !req
202. he's going to know
I've been smoking pot,Copy !req
203. so I need some of your urine
so I can...Copy !req
204. Uh, you don't have
to be naked for this.Copy !req
205. But I don't have to not
be naked for it either.Copy !req
206. A-ha.Copy !req
207. Come on, Stewie.
Hurry up and pee.Copy !req
208. Joe's waiting for me.Copy !req
209. Brian, you know I can't go
unless you stare at it.Copy !req
210. Brian, what the hell?Copy !req
211. - Uh... Hey, Lois.Copy !req
212. The jig's up, Brian.
Run!Copy !req
213. Brian, is this how you're trying
to pass your drug test,Copy !req
214. by stealing a baby's urine?Copy !req
215. My God, that is just sick.Copy !req
216. No, what's sick
is making marijuana illegalCopy !req
217. when it's been provenCopy !req
218. that it does less damage
to you than alcohol.Copy !req
219. No, what's sick is the plot
of the movie Baby Mama.Copy !req
220. What happens
when a 40-year-old womanCopy !req
221. asks her 41-year-old friend
to carry her baby?Copy !req
222. Push, Angie, push, push
harde... Oh, it's dead.Copy !req
223. Brian, when you have
to go to these lengthsCopy !req
224. just to get away
with smoking pot,Copy !req
225. it's time to
make a change.Copy !req
226. You're right, Lois.
It is time to make a change.Copy !req
227. Thank you.Copy !req
228. It's time for Quahog
to legalize marijuana.Copy !req
229. Well, that's not
exactly what I meant.Copy !req
230. "Hey, check out the size
of Stewie's penis."Copy !req
231. Oh, come on, guys.
It's just the way God made me.Copy !req
232. No more oppression!Copy !req
233. We, as American adults
with free will,Copy !req
234. have the right to use marijuana
if we choose to!Copy !req
235. Enough government profiteering
under the guise of morality!Copy !req
236. Enough with this phony war
on drugs!Copy !req
237. You know, you're going
about this all wrong, Brian.Copy !req
238. If you want to
win people over,Copy !req
239. you can't just drone
on like Ben Stein.Copy !req
240. You've got to have a
little more showmanship.Copy !req
241. Here, watch.Copy !req
242. Now, everybody gather 'roundCopy !req
243. And listen if you wouldCopy !req
244. When I tell you every person
Needs a way of feeling goodCopy !req
245. Every kitty needs a ball of
String and every dog a stickCopy !req
246. But all you need is a bag
Of weed to really get a kickCopy !req
247. One, two, three, fourCopy !req
248. Five, six, seven, eightCopy !req
249. A bag o' weed, a bag o' weedCopy !req
250. Oh, everything is better
With a bag o' weedCopy !req
251. It's the only help
That you'll ever needCopy !req
252. Because everything is better
With a bag o' weedCopy !req
253. There you go!
You're all getting it now.Copy !req
254. They go assault a queerCopy !req
255. They rent The RocketeerCopy !req
256. - He humps a guy like me
- Right!Copy !req
257. But all we need
Is a bag o' weedCopy !req
258. To keep us worry-freeCopy !req
259. One, two, threeCopy !req
260. Oh, a bag o' weed,
A bag o' weedCopy !req
261. Oh, everything is better
With a bag o' weedCopy !req
262. No, you don't need meth
And you don't need speedCopy !req
263. Because everything is better
With a bag of weedCopy !req
264. Have a go, Brian.Copy !req
265. As Mr. H. L. Mencken said,
"The common man's a fool "Copy !req
266. And just like
Helen Keller saidCopy !req
267. "Doof doogie beebo bool"Copy !req
268. But try and use your headsCopy !req
269. - And don't buy into all the fear
- Hey!Copy !req
270. 'Cause all we need is a bag
O' weed to make us wanna cheerCopy !req
271. And one, two,
A bag o' weed, a bag o' weedCopy !req
272. Oh, everything is better
With a bag o' weedCopy !req
273. You can try and fight
But we're all agreedCopy !req
274. Because everything is better
with a bag o' weedCopy !req
275. One, two, three, fourCopy !req
276. Five, six, seven, heyCopy !req
277. And a one, two, three, fourCopy !req
278. And a five and a six
And a seven, oh!Copy !req
279. A bag o' weed, a bag o' weedCopy !req
280. Oh, everything is better
With a bag o' weedCopy !req
281. You're a happy guy
When you plant the seedCopy !req
282. Because everything is betterCopy !req
283. With a bag... Of... WeedCopy !req
284. Oh, everything is better
With a bag o' weedCopy !req
285. As mayor of Quahog,Copy !req
286. I hereby sign into lawCopy !req
287. the legalization of marijuana.Copy !req
288. Good evening, everyone.Copy !req
289. Our top story:
marijuana is now legal.Copy !req
290. Le... Le... Is now legal.Copy !req
291. Legal in Quahog.Copy !req
292. And it's made
everything...Copy !req
293. Just so great.Copy !req
294. Okay, you... You
can read the next one.Copy !req
295. - No, you can.
- No, you.Copy !req
296. Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
297. L... Let's... Let's read
it both together.Copy !req
298. - Okay... Okay.
- Ready?Copy !req
299. Here's Ollie Williams
with a BlaccuWeather forecast.Copy !req
300. How's the weather
look, Ollie?Copy !req
301. Not too bad.Copy !req
302. Right on.Copy !req
303. See, Lois?Copy !req
304. Tell me things in Quahog
aren't better now.Copy !req
305. It's just weird, Brian.Copy !req
306. I still don't think
I'm comfortableCopy !req
307. with the whole idea.Copy !req
308. Look, Lois, ever since
marijuana was legalized,Copy !req
309. crime has gone down,
productivity is up,Copy !req
310. and ratings for Doctor Who
are through the roof.Copy !req
311. Yeah, but Peter's
so baked lately,Copy !req
312. he can hardly set up
a cutaway.Copy !req
313. Man, this is even
better than...Copy !req
314. Uh, no, wait.Copy !req
315. No, this is
worse than...Copy !req
316. This, uh, better...
I don't know.Copy !req
317. Here... Here's a list of
celebrities I don't like.Copy !req
318. Hello, Griffin.Copy !req
319. Mr. Pewterschmidt?Copy !req
320. Hey, how you been?Copy !req
321. - Not good.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.Copy !req
322. Wow, a limo, huh?Copy !req
323. Hey, are these Diet Rites
just to take?Copy !req
324. No!
Those are my Diet Rites.Copy !req
325. Now, listen, Griffin.Copy !req
326. Thanks to your dog's
stupid marijuana crusade,Copy !req
327. people are using hemp
for everything:Copy !req
328. fabric, fuel, and paper.Copy !req
329. Which means
I'm losing billionsCopy !req
330. in timber dollars.Copy !req
331. I had to sell
my Bangles records.Copy !req
332. I was still working
on memorizing all the words.Copy !req
333. My back is hurting
From the chair I'm sitting onCopy !req
334. Where's the Tylenol?Copy !req
335. If I lay down flat on the floorCopy !req
336. It usually kind of fixes itCopy !req
337. Tony Danza from Who's the Boss saysCopy !req
338. A-oh, a-ohCopy !req
339. Oh-a, oh-a, ohCopy !req
340. I'm losing money,
and it's your dog's fault.Copy !req
341. Now I have to get hemp
illegalized again,Copy !req
342. and the only way
to do thatCopy !req
343. is to start
a fear campaignCopy !req
344. designed to turn people
against pot.Copy !req
345. Will you help me?Copy !req
346. Gosh, Mr. Pewterschmidt,Copy !req
347. I could never go
against Brian like that.Copy !req
348. I'll give you this light-up
butterfly yo-yo.Copy !req
349. To keep?Copy !req
350. Not to keep!
You can use it todayCopy !req
351. and one more day
in the summer.Copy !req
352. - Yeah!
- Pull over.Copy !req
353. Bye.Copy !req
354. All right, Carter.Copy !req
355. I finished cutting together
our anti-pot video.Copy !req
356. Take a look.Copy !req
357. Hey, I got a great idea.Copy !req
358. Let's kill six million Jews.Copy !req
359. Hooray! Yeah!
Yeah, I'm on board.Copy !req
360. How did you come up with that?Copy !req
361. I got the idea from...Copy !req
362. From... While...
From while I was smoking pot.Copy !req
363. Anybody else who likes pot,
reach for my joint.Copy !req
364. Oh, there it is.Copy !req
365. Give us some of that.Copy !req
366. Perhaps later.Copy !req
367. Now let's go to FranceCopy !req
368. and steal all their
objects d'art.Copy !req
369. Yay, all right.
Let's go to France.Copy !req
370. Not bad, huh?Copy !req
371. Ah, damn it.
That was Fox News.Copy !req
372. Apparently, they own the rights
to Hitler's likeness,Copy !req
373. and they won't have
him slandered.Copy !req
374. Hi, I'm Peter.Copy !req
375. You know me from the movie,Copy !req
376. Harold, Kumar, and Peter
Go to White Castle.Copy !req
377. As you can see, I'm enjoying
a White Castle burger.Copy !req
378. Why?Copy !req
379. Because I don't do drugs.Copy !req
380. Took me five minutes
to get to White Castle.Copy !req
381. I didn't get diverted
by all those crazy high jinks.Copy !req
382. 'Cause I don't get high.Copy !req
383. It was a good movie, though.Copy !req
384. You know, Neil Patrick Harris
got the jobCopy !req
385. on How I Met Your Mother
'cause of that movie.Copy !req
386. You know, I've only seen
that show once,Copy !req
387. but I got to tell you,
what's really weird to me isCopy !req
388. why is the voice of the guy
from the future Bob Saget?Copy !req
389. I mean, the guy on the show...
He's already an adult.Copy !req
390. You know, so it's not like he's
going to grow into Bob Saget.Copy !req
391. Doesn't make sense.Copy !req
392. Thank you for your time.Copy !req
393. Well, what do you think?Copy !req
394. Look, Daddy, I agree with
what you're trying to do,Copy !req
395. but I just don't think
this is going to work.Copy !req
396. It's so artificial.Copy !req
397. You're asking
for a spanking, young lady.Copy !req
398. - Yeah.
All right!Copy !req
399. Peter, the reason Brian
succeeded in his causeCopy !req
400. is that he spoke
with such passion.Copy !req
401. No offense,
but you twoCopy !req
402. just don't have
that talent.Copy !req
403. Are you kidding?Copy !req
404. I can be very persuasive.Copy !req
405. That's how I used to lure
wayward sailorsCopy !req
406. to their deaths
with my siren song.Copy !req
407. Hello, Brian.Copy !req
408. You're looking good.Copy !req
409. Nice shiny coat.Copy !req
410. Don't try to butter
me up, Carter.Copy !req
411. Why did you call me here?Copy !req
412. Come inside.Copy !req
413. There's something
I want to show you.Copy !req
414. What's this?Copy !req
415. It's your
novel, Brian.Copy !req
416. Faster than the
Speed of Love.Copy !req
417. Ready to ship
out tomorrow.Copy !req
418. All you have to doCopy !req
419. is publicly come
out against pot.Copy !req
420. Forget it, Carter.Copy !req
421. I'm not going
to take your bribe.Copy !req
422. I don't care if you printed
a million copies.Copy !req
423. I printed two million.Copy !req
424. And I even commissioned
an oil paintingCopy !req
425. for your author's photo.Copy !req
426. And what's this?Copy !req
427. Is this an Oprah
Book Club sticker?Copy !req
428. I think it is.Copy !req
429. Wait, really?Copy !req
430. Oh, my God.Copy !req
431. Plus, I can get you
a night in bed with Oprah.Copy !req
432. - Uh...
- Okay, just the sticker, then.Copy !req
433. So, what do you say?
Is it a deal?Copy !req
434. You don't have to sell out
like this, Brian.Copy !req
435. Your novel is good enoughCopy !req
436. to be published
on its own merits.Copy !req
437. - You think so?
- Yeah, you bet.Copy !req
438. This is your
shot, Brian.Copy !req
439. You can be a
superstar author.Copy !req
440. All you got
to do is makeCopy !req
441. an impassioned anti-pot
speech in public.Copy !req
442. Forget it, Carter.Copy !req
443. Even Stewie says the book
is good enough on its own.Copy !req
444. - Right, Stewie?
- Uh...Copy !req
445. Maybe do a song
about why pot is bad.Copy !req
446. And that's why pot is badCopy !req
447. I've heard all I need
to make an informed decision.Copy !req
448. Marijuana is hereby
re-illegalized.Copy !req
449. In other news,
a local Quahog authorCopy !req
450. has set a record for the worst
selling novel of all time.Copy !req
451. Brian Griffin's
Faster than the Speed of LoveCopy !req
452. has astonishingly not sold
a single copy,Copy !req
453. thanks to universal panning
by literary critics.Copy !req
454. Coming up: children
are getting sexier,Copy !req
455. and that's...Copy !req
456. That's pretty cool.Copy !req
457. This is so humiliating.Copy !req
458. I sold out everything
I believed in,Copy !req
459. and I have nothing
to show for it.Copy !req
460. My book's a bomb.Copy !req
461. Well, look
at it this way.Copy !req
462. You did accomplish
something.Copy !req
463. Marijuana is illegal
because of you.Copy !req
464. And Stewie got to build
a nice little fortCopy !req
465. with all of your
unsold books.Copy !req
466. My house is made of mediocrity.Copy !req
467. Hey, guys,
I want you to knowCopy !req
468. I'm raising
my reward to $50Copy !req
469. for anyone who can
help me find James.Copy !req
470. No questions asked.Copy !req
471. I killed your cat.Copy !req