Family Guy 7x1

Directed by Cyndi Tang

Kat Foster as Carolyn (voice) • Chris Sheridan as Husband (voice) • Kirker Butler as First Caterpillar / Man / Member of Symphony (voice) • Alexandra Breckenridge as Jane / Kate / Roxanne (voice) • Patrick Warburton as Joe Swanson (voice)

Dissatisfied with his current love life, Brian decides to slow things down when he meets the girl of his dreams, Carolyn. However, Cleveland soon sweeps Carolyn off her feet, and Brian must do anything he can do, to win her back, even if it means involving Cleveland's ex-wife, Loretta.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. It seems today that all you see

2. Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3. But where are those good old-fashioned values

4. On which we used to rely?

5. Lucky there's a family guy

6. Lucky there's a man who positively can do

7. All the things that make us

8. Laugh and cry

9. He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

10. Come on, kids, people are gonna start showing up

11. for the costume party any minute.

12. Hey, nice Snoopy costume, Brian.

13. Thanks.

14. Oh, I guess it's not true what they say,

15. you can punch Snoopy in the stomach as hard as you can

16. and he won't feel it. That's Houdini.

17. No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance.

18. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance.

19. Do the dance!

20. Hey, Quagmire. Ah, cool,

21. you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite.

22. Hey, do you say anything funny?

23. No, I just do quirky things for the sake of being quirky.

24. You strike me as someone I wouldn't enjoy,

25. but others might.

26. Who are you dressed as, Peter?

27. I'm Laura Bush.

28. And I'm the guy she killed.

29. That's right. I forgot.

30. Laura Bush killed a guy.

31. Yes, she did.

32. Laura Bush killed a guy.

33. Laura Bush killed a guy.

34. Well, come on in.

35. Oh, you know, this is why...

36. Brian, you remember, the last couple of weeks

37. I kept saying, "Can I have a couple minutes of your time

38. "to talk to you about something?"

39. This is what it was about.

40. This evening is ru-ined.

41. Look... wait, what?

42. This evening is ru-ined.

43. The whole evening is ru-ined.

44. - Why are you saying it like that? - Saying what?

45. I'm just pointing out the party's ru-ined.

46. You know, I'm not gonna get sucked into this.

47. Okay, just so I'm sure, really?

48. Are you just trying to piss me off

49. or is that really how you say that?

50. What are you talking about?

51. I'm talking about this ru-ined evening.

52. - That's not how you say "ruined." - What? Ru-ined?

53. What do you call the remains of ancient Greek structures?

54. Ruins.

55. - And how would you describe this evening? - Ru-ined, of course.

56. This evening is ru-ined.

57. - Say "ruined." - Ru-ined.

58. - Ruined. - Ru-ined.

59. - Ruined. - Ru-ined.

60. - Dumbass. - Oh, Brian, don't be crue-el.

61. That's a great costume, Joe.

62. Are you FDR?

63. No, I'm Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz.

64. Oh, you mean like if he dove into the shallow end?

65. No. Regular Mark Spitz.

66. Wait, are you Stephen Hawking at the beach?

67. No, I'm Mark Spitz!

68. He won seven gold medals!

69. Oh, I get it. You're crippled Magnum P.I.

70. I'm...!

71. Fine, I'm crippled Magnum P.I.

72. Brian, there's that girl from my yoga class

73. I wanted you to meet.

74. Oh, look, Lois, I appreciate it,

75. but I'm not into fix-ups.

76. Oh, come on, you gotta get yourself back out there.

77. Jane, this is Brian.

78. Oh, Brian!

79. Lois has told me so much about you.

80. Wow, you're even more handsome than she said.

81. Hey, thanks.

82. So, uh, that's a great costume.

83. What are you, one of Freddy Krueger's victims?

84. I'm a victim of the liberal agenda.

85. I'm a murdered fetus.

86. Did you know that Democrats

87. murder thousands of babies every year?

88. And sometimes babies are put back into the womb

89. just so that they can be aborted again.

90. Have you ever had any sex that was voluntary?

91. - No, I have not. - Yup, have a good evening.

92. Come on, buddy. Let's go.

93. - Yeah, with a capital "C."

94. Oh, stop looking so depressed, Brian.

95. I'm sure one day you'll meet a girl

96. who loves abortion as much as you do.

97. That's not the point, Stewie.

98. I'm just tired of every girl I meet being crazy.

99. Aw, things will work out for you.

100. Now come on, let's forget our problems

101. and get lost in the world of books.

102. Ooh, Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next ApartmentAnd Doesn't Call 911.

103. You think it's easy working all day?

104. No! I... You think I like it? - I don't think it's easy,

105. but, yes, I do think you like it.

106. Yeah, I like being away from you

107. 'cause I can't stand looking at you!

108. - You... Aah!

109. Yeah!

110. You think I want to do that?

111. You think I want to hurt you?

112. Not in front of the baby!

113. I don't want to hurt you!

114. I'm sure there's two sides to this.

115. - Whoops. - I'm sorry.

116. I don't think you want this book.

117. It's all about atheism.

118. Oh, I know. I'm an atheist.

119. Really? So am I.

120. It's all yours.

121. I feel bad taking the last copy.

122. Well, there's one way to settle this.

123. If there is a god, send another copy.

124. I guess that's our answer.

125. Tell you what. How about I take it

126. and then send it to you after I read it?

127. Swear to God?

128. Stop it.

129. I know, I'm just messin'...

130. well, uh, listen, uh, here-here's my address.

131. Thanks.

132. See ya later.

133. God, still no mail for me, huh?

134. Jeez, Brian, you've been going through the mail

135. every day for a week. What are you looking for?

136. I'm expecting a very important package.

137. Another one? You haven't even opened

138. the one that came for you a week ago.

139. You idiot, why didn't you tell me this was here?

140. Because I've been using it as a hat weight.

141. - A what? - A hat weight, Brian.

142. My hat kept blowing away,

143. so I put the package on it so I wouldn't lose it.

144. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

145. You don't wear a hat and there's no wind in here.

146. You, sir, owe me one new hat.

147. You know, uh, I was really glad you sent me the book.

148. I won't lie to you, I came this close

149. to praying that I'd see you again.

150. Good thing you didn't because...

151. Who would hear it, right?

152. Can I interest you folks

153. in some of our heavenly cheesecake?

154. No, but I'll have some of our "there's no afterlife" soufflé.

155. Now we got the waiter involved, eh?

156. I love being a part of things.

157. I'll bring your dessert now.

158. You know, Carolyn,

159. I rarely find myself connecting with another person

160. like I have with you.

161. I'm really enjoying your company.

162. Oh, me, too, Brian.

163. The boat rides we would take

164. The moonlight on the lake

165. The way we danced and hummed our favorite song

166. The things we didlast summer

167. I'll remember

168. All winter long

169. The midway and the fun

170. The Kewpie dolls we won

171. The bell I rang to provethat I was strong

172. The things we didlast summer

173. I'll rememberall winter long...

174. I had a really great time tonight, Brian.

175. Well, is there any reason it has to end?

176. Don't do it, Brian.

177. What the hell?

178. Excuse me for a second.

179. Stewie, have you been hiding in the back all evening?

180. Yes, I'm saving you from yourself, Brian.

181. You almost went in there

182. and tried to have sex with that girl.

183. So, what's wrong with that?

184. That's why you can't maintain a relationship.

185. You always try too soon and end up blowing it.

186. Think about it.

187. God, you know, maybe you're right.

188. I do. I always try and jump into the sex right away.

189. Maybe that's what screws things up.

190. You know, I'm gonna take it slow this time.

191. Listen, um, I-I gotta go.

192. Really?

193. Don't worry. You'll see me again.

194. Good job, Brian.

195. Don't worry. I'll help you through this.

196. So, you wanna get something to eat?

197. Can we go someplace

198. where the menus have pictures of the food?

199. Ooh, let's go someplace where the menus have pictures of food!

200. Gosh, I really enjoyed the movie tonight.

201. Yeah, you knew it was gonna be a touching comedy

202. because Robin Williams had a beard.

203. Ooh, my back is so stiff from sitting in that theater chair.

204. I could probably use a back rub.

205. Do you mind?

206. Oh, not at all.

207. You know, I, uh, took a Thai massage class

208. at the Learning Annex.

209. Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!

210. Boy, that's an awfully loud owl.

211. Hoo-hoo!

212. Don't do it, Brian!

213. Hoo-hoo! Take it slow! Hoo-hoo!

214. Uh, of course, I'll tell you what'd really set you right

215. is a couple of Aleve and a good night's sleep.

216. Oh.

217. Well, all right, if you say so.

218. Well, I guess I should say good night.

219. Ho-hoo-hoo! Good job, Brian!

220. Hoo-hoo!

221. - Hi there. - Not interested.

222. Okay.

223. Ooh, tandem bike.

224. You gonna take a ride out in the country

225. and let the AIDS blow through your hair?

226. Get lost, Stewie.

227. I am getting laid tonight.

228. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to taking it slow?

229. I have been taking it slow.

230. We've been going out for three weeks

231. and I haven't tried anything,

232. even though she's been giving me

233. some pretty strong signals.

234. So, do you have any thoughts

235. on what you might want to do tonight?

236. Oh, I don't know.

237. Eww, I don't know, Brian.

238. You don't want to mess things up.

239. Well, we'll find out tonight, won't we?

240. All right, but just one last piece of advice.

241. Remember, listen to her body,

242. and respond the way you'd want her to respond to you.

243. Uh, okay. Thanks.

244. That's very helpful.

245. You'll be a wonderful lover, Brian.

246. What are you doing?

247. Oh, sorry, you-you just had a little, uh, something.

248. Oh, my God!

249. Carolyn?

250. - Cleveland? - Oh, hey, Brian.

251. Close that window.

252. You're letting all the stank out.

253. I don't believe this.

254. Cleveland, you're sleeping with my girlfriend?

255. Nobody told me Carolyn was your girlfriend.

256. I'm not his girlfriend.

257. Carolyn, what are you talking about?

258. We've been dating for three weeks.

259. Well, you never made a move on me,

260. so I thought you just wanted to be friends.

261. Then I met Cleveland, and things just kinda took off.

262. Wha...? H-how did you even meet each other?

263. We met at the Starbucks.

264. She started going on about her new Brazilian wax

265. and not wearing any underpants and whatnot.

266. I'd have to be a homosexual to ignore a signal like that.

267. But, Carolyn, you completely misunderstood me.

268. I-I wanted you like crazy,

269. but I just figured if I showed a little restraint,

270. you'd respect me.

271. - I do. - As do I.

272. Now why don't you go hop on that gay bike of yours

273. and go get yourself a lollipop or a cupcake or something.

274. We good, Brian. We good.

275. So, Carolyn.

276. Guess you should've hit that

277. when you had the chance, huh, Brian?

278. What? You're the one who told me to wait!

279. Oh, you're crazy, bitch. I didn't say that, bitch.

280. Yeah, well, thanks to you, I lost her to Cleveland.

281. You know what you need? You need to stop

282. pointing fingers and get out of the house.

283. Have some fun. Real fun.

284. Not like 37-year-old-woman- on-a-blind-date fun.

285. This is fun, right? We're having fun.

286. I mean, so what if you forgot your wallet?

287. I'll pay. I'm gonna pay for us.

288. You'll get it next time! Yeah!

289. So, you were in prison, right?

290. Killed a man?

291. Aw, I'm sure it was in self-defense.

292. No. I just felt like killing.

293. Oh, you tell the best stories!

294. Me and my three eggs are having the best time!

295. We are gonna get you back on your feet, Brian.

296. I know what always makes me feel better:

297. delicious sweets.

298. Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Backery.

299. Would you like a hot pis of pee?

300. It's on the hoose!

301. What?

302. Oh, noo! You're covered in my hot pee!

303. You can wash yourself off in the waiter clooset.

304. Uh, you know, I can just wash it off when I get home.

305. Why? What's in there?

306. Oh. Mmm. Oh, yeah. - Mmm. Mmm.

307. - Mmm. Mmm. Oh. - Mmm. Mmm.

308. Wait. - Mmm.

309. Wait. Wait.

310. And boom goes the dynamite.

311. Okay, look, next time we'll go to another store.

312. How about that?

313. Just forget it, all right?

314. I just want to sit here, watch the ball game, and have a few beers.

315. It's ball three, low and outside to Ramirez.

316. Wait a minute. What's this?

317. There appears to bean interracial couple

318. making love on second base.

319. The crowd's enjoying it,

320. and it looks like the umpire's gonna let 'em finish.

321. And boom goes the dynamite.

322. There it is!

323. I'll tell you what.

324. This would be painful to watch if you loved that girl.

325. Boy, what are the odds

326. of running into Cleveland and Carolyn everywhere we went, huh?

327. Well, as long as we just stay here

328. in the house, we're safe, right?

329. Oh, that was a great game!

330. Carolyn, it's been so nice getting to know you.

331. Yeah, Cleveland, she's way more fun

332. than that wife you used to have.

333. Wh-What was her name?

334. Weezy or Florida or something?

335. Jennifer Hudson?

336. Loretta.

337. You know, it's amazing, Cleveland.

338. You went from a black woman to a white woman

339. without having to take that Hispanic woman step in between.

340. Loretta! That's our answer!

341. - What do you mean? - We've just got to go talk to Loretta.

342. If we can get her back with Cleveland,

343. - Carolyn's all yours. - Well, it's a long shot,

344. but so was the "Shouting Arab-Gram" business.

345. From Joan and Keith.

346. You know what? This is never gonna work, Stewie.

347. Loretta cheated on Cleveland.

348. She's not gonna want to go back to him.

349. Oh, she can be convinced, Brian. Just let me do the talking.

350. No, I think I can communicate with her better.

351. She's only gonna get the gist of what you're saying.

352. Really? Isn't she one of those people

353. outside the family who can understand me?

354. No, I think because of Cleveland, she's close enough to the main cast

355. - that it might be a little weird. - Really?

356. We're filming! - Okay, okay.

357. Sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.

358. Uh... hi, Loretta.

359. Brian! Stubbie!

360. What are you doing here?

361. Uh, well, to be honest, Loretta,

362. uh, Cleveland sent us.

363. - He... really wants you back. - What?

364. Yeah, he says he misses that...

365. Uh, perfect... figure.

366. Well, I get the gist of what you're saying, Stoolie,

367. but I can never go back to Cleveland,

368. not after all the pain I caused him.

369. I'm sorry.

370. Hey, Brian, did you see that treadmill in the living room?

371. Yeah.

372. Brian, may I speak with you?

373. Oh. Cleveland.

374. I didn't recognize you without my girlfriend

375. wrapped around your waist.

376. She and I are both to a point of great soreness,

377. so we took a break.

378. Listen, I just want to clear any bad feelings you may have

379. about me and Carolyn.

380. I guess it's okay.

381. These are... passing flings, nothing to get upset about.

382. Good. Because we're gonna elope in Hawaii tomorrow night!

383. - What? - You got a problem with that,

384. you can go yourself.

385. Loretta?

386. Hello, Cleveland.

387. What are you doing here?

388. Cleveland, I've been doing some thinking lately

389. about how much I miss you.

390. I'm sorry for hurting you.

391. I want us to be together again as a family,

392. and I promise I'll never betray you again.

393. I love you, Cleveland.

394. Uh... I'm no meteorologist,

395. but I'm pretty sure it's rainin' bitches.

396. I-I don't know what to do.

397. Carolyn and I are supposed to elope tomorrow,

398. but here comes Loretta all apologetic

399. and wanting to get our family back together and whatnot.

400. I wouldn't forgive her so fast, Cleveland.

401. Remember, she slept with Quagmire.

402. Yeah, she really acted crazy.

403. Well, now, just-just wait a minute, you guys.

404. Let's not be so quick to demonize Loretta.

405. I mean, whatever happened to "forgive and forget"?

406. Oh, you just want Cleveland out of the picture

407. so you can get back with Carolyn.

408. You know, Brian, sometimes...

409. I don't believe I know you.

410. Th-That's not it at all.

411. I-I happen to think Loretta is very beautiful.

412. With her... sassy wisdom,

413. and... speed-bag arm fat.

414. Hmm. I guess at the very least,

415. I could go talk to her tomorrow and see how I feel.

416. Thanks for your help, Griffins.

417. Brian, do you really think Loretta is beautiful?

418. Absolutely. That's really how I feel.

419. Now, it is true her personality is abrasive.

420. Slightly abrasive.

421. But overall, Loretta is a delightful person,

422. very pleasant to be around,

423. and free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.

424. I'm really concerned about Cleveland.

425. What Loretta did was unforgivable.

426. I hope he doesn't go back to her.

427. I hear you, Lois.

428. You know, there might be a way

429. to drive the point home that she hasn't changed.

430. - How would we do that? - Hang on.

431. Hey, Quagmire!

432. - Quagmire! - What?

433. - You busy right now? - No, I got a hand free. What's up?

434. Would you mind getting Loretta to sleep with you again?

435. Uh, I... Possibly.

436. I mean, in what context?

437. Well, we're trying to make Cleveland see that she's no good

438. and that he can't trust her,

439. and if he catches you guys in the act, then...

440. Oh, okay, oh, no, no, okay, no, I'm-I'm with you now.

441. Yeah, no, yeah, you know, I can probably work that in.

442. Terrific. Thank you!

443. This is perfect, Lois.

444. We'll expose Loretta for who she is.

445. Just like Cyrano was exposed for being anti-Semitic.

446. I love you for all that you are...

447. in spite of the fact that your people control

448. a disproportionate amount of the world's wealth...

449. and in all likelihood are probably responsible

450. for starting every major war since the dawn of t...

451. Dude, again with this? What's your problem?

452. Who's in the bush?

453. Mind your own business, you stupid Jew!

454. Room service.

455. I didn't order no room service.

456. It's complimentary.

457. We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate and a side of...

458. Hot beefsteak! Giggedy-giggedy-goo!

459. Glenn Quagmire! You get out of here!

460. Come on, baby. Time for round two!

461. You're the devil!

462. You ruined my marriage!

463. Oh, you can't resist the Q-man

464. and my super-powered genitalia.

465. Apache Penis, Ee-nay-chok!

466. Aah! You go on and beat it, little neck!

467. I'm a changed woman!

468. I don't mess with your kind anymore!

469. You're a meanie!

470. Hey, Quagmire.

471. Uh... hey, Cleveland.

472. Why are you staying in a hotel?

473. Uh... my...

474. house burned down.

475. Oh. Why are you naked?

476. Naked? Wha... But everybody's been telling me

477. I'm wearing magnificent robes made from the finest silk. Oh!

478. Cleveland!

479. Hello, Loretta.

480. Oh, come in, baby.

481. Have you thought about what I said?

482. Yes, I have, and I still love you, Loretta.

483. Oh, Cleveland!

484. But... I-I can't take you back.

485. Wh-Why not?

486. Loretta, I came over here wanting to believe

487. that there was still a chance for us.

488. But on the way, I passed a lake,

489. skipped a few rocks and had some black-guy thinking time...

490. L-Loretta, we leave certain parts of our lives

491. in the past for a reason.

492. What you and I...

493. You can go ahead and put your clothes back on...

494. What you and I had was a wonderful thing,

495. and as much as I still have a great deal of love for you,

496. our time is over.

497. I love somebody else.

498. Oh, Cleveland, isn't there anything I can do

499. to make you happy?

500. Yes, there is.

501. You can live your life, Loretta.

502. Live it as full and as wonderful as you can.

503. I love you.

504. Oh, my God! Carolyn?

505. Quagmire?

506. Cleveland, close the window!

507. You're letting the stank out!

508. Well, we both got screwed by the same girl.

509. Yup.

510. I guess it's all right, though.

511. You and I will find true love someday.

512. Yeah, I suppose.

513. So, how was it having sex with Carolyn?

514. I think I'm gonna remember it forever.

515. Oh, yeah? How so?

516. Brian, do you think you could identify a genital wart?

517. I... I-I-I... I would think

518. that would be something you'd check with your doctor about.

519. - Okay. - Okay?

520. - Yeah. - All right, 'cause I'm not a doctor.

521. - I can't... - No, I understand.

522. - Okay, so we're... we're still friends? - Yeah, yeah.

523. Okay.

524. Well, summer's coming on.

525. It hurts.