Family Guy 4x18

Directed by Pete Michels • Peter Shin • James Purdum

Tom Bosley as Howard Cunningham (voice) • Paula Abdul as Paula Abdul (voice) • Charles Durning as Francis Griffin (voice) • Sherman Hemsley as Self (voice) • Marion Ross as Marion Cunningham (voice) • Sherman Hemsley as Sherman Hemsley (voice)

When Peter’s dad comes to visit, he tries to impose his religious beliefs on the family. But after a mix-up with the holy-water leaves Stewie in a bubble, Peter decides to form a church worshiping his hero, the Fonz.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. We now return to The Adventures of Aquaman.

2. - Yeah? - Hey, can you grab me another beer?

3. Yeah. Anything else? Maybe, you know, TV Guide,

4. you know, another pillow for your feet or something?

5. No. Actually, you know what? Get me, like, a Dewar's and soda, and,

6. you know, try to keep the saltwater out of it, if you could.

7. - Try to keep the saltwater... - Yeah.

8. We're surrounded by saltwater, you know. It's kind of difficult.

9. I know. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, try.

10. Yeah, okay, I'll try.

11. - You want me to wipe your ass, too? - Oh, that's a helpful tone.

12. I'm just saying, you're kind of abusing your powers a little bit, don't you think?

13. Actually, this is all time that could be spent getting me my beverage.

14. Hey, what are you guys doing?

15. We got to get ready for your grandpa's 80th birthday dinner.

16. - Peter, calm down. He's just your father. - Yeah, but I love him.

17. His folksy racism, his I-don't-care-where-I-am flatulence.

18. And the way it always seems like he's chewing,

19. even when there's no food in there.

20. - Hiya, Dad. - Francis, it's so good to see you.

21. Lois, you haven't changed a bit, you lying bitch.

22. Francis, why don't you come into the dining room, huh?

23. The table's all set for your birthday dinner.

24. Lois, actually, Dad said he would prefer it if you did not join us,

25. you know, you being a Protestant and all.

26. He said it's okay if you sit at the kid's table.

27. Peter, I cooked the damn dinner.

28. You know, I knew you were going to react like this, and that's why

29. I brought Bill Lumbergh to explain it to you.

30. Yeah, I'm going to need you to go ahead and not complain about this.

31. Oh, and if you could go ahead and sit at the kids' table,

32. that'd be great.

33. I'm just saying, '70s boobs were different. I don't know.

34. You know, it wouldn't kill you to contribute to the conversation.

35. Dad, tell us about World War I and how America defeated Kaiser Permanente.

36. Lois, when are you going to get that baby baptized?

37. Oh, God, not this again.

38. Francis, why the hell is this always an issue with you?

39. Because I love this family and I don't want my grandson to burn in hell.

40. I love you, Grandpa. Your toenails are the same color as my school bus.

41. You really think that splashing magic water on Stewie

42. will keep him out of hell?

43. Watch that kind of talk or you'll get your heathen head smacked.

44. Oh, that's very Christian.

45. - "Believe what I say or I'll hurt you. " - Now you're getting it.

46. Peter, we have a problem.

47. Hey, hang on, Lois. I'm watching a movie.

48. And now back to Jaws V, Fire Island.

49. - You think we should be this far out? - Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine.

50. Hey, I'm gonna eat you all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg.

51. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up them shorts.

52. I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with.

53. Oh, now wait a minute. I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today.

54. It's okay, though. I've been swimming a lot lately.

55. Yummy.

56. Peter, your father won't let up about Stewie getting baptized.

57. I am sick of him always trying to force his religious views on us.

58. All right, I'll talk to him, Lois, but, you know,

59. when my father wants something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant.

60. You can kick and scream all you want, but it's gonna happen.

61. - Dad, what are you doing? - There's no cross in here.

62. Every kitchen needs a crucifix.

63. Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up," like a bleeding, half-naked Jew

64. nailed to a piece of wood.

65. Listen, Dad, I gotta talk to you.

66. Lois was wondering if maybe you could, I don't know, ease up on the whole,

67. you know, Jesus-ay Christ-ay, if you catch my drift.

68. You're a lapsed Catholic, Peter.

69. Your wife's a Protestant whore and your baby isn't even baptized.

70. All right, look, Dad, I don't want you to hate me, all right?

71. So I'll make a deal with you.

72. If we get Stewie baptized, you and all other old people have to acknowledge

73. and be aware that there's crap in the corners of your mouth.

74. I'll think about it. Now let's go.

75. Old people are gross, no matter how cute they try to make them look

76. on Desperate Housewives. Go ahead.

77. Switch over to ABC for five seconds. I'll wait. I'll wait five seconds.

78. Oh, my God, did you see? Did you see how old and ugly they are?

79. Oh, my God, that redhead looks like somebody pulled Silly Putty

80. over their knee.

81. I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin, but I can't baptize little Stewie today.

82. It turns out our last shipment of holy water is tainted.

83. Tainted? Holy water? How did that happen?

84. We'll call you when we get a new shipment in.

85. There's no such thing as tainted holy water.

86. Come on. We'll do it ourselves.

87. Stewie Griffin, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

88. - And Space Ghost. - What are you doing?

89. Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as my bath with Kathy Bates.

90. Yeah, I think I'm going to get out.

91. Stewie, you don't look so good.

92. Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God!

93. Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!

94. Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor.

95. Mr. And Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son

96. and he is suffering from a temporary toxic anemia

97. which has substantially weakened his immune system.

98. Is he gonna die?

99. No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection and must be quarantined

100. in a germ-free plastic environment.

101. My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie?

102. Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off?

103. Well, it looks like the operation was a success.

104. Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself.

105. You bastard!

106. Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

107. How could this have happened?

108. It's obvious to me that Stewie's been exposed to tainted holy water.

109. Peter, you had Stewie baptized behind my back?

110. Come on, honey.

111. This is no worse than when I rented out your uterus

112. to those inner city immigrants.

113. Peter, you're a complete slave to your father's religion.

114. What about your religious beliefs, huh? You have a choice, you know.

115. - I do? - Of course. You're a grown man.

116. - You can pick any religion you want. - Really?

117. You know, Lois, maybe you're right.

118. Maybe I should pick my own religion. The question is, which one?

119. I'll tell you what you can pick. A tune out on that piano.

120. Oh, now how the whiz-bang does the rest of it go?

121. Quick! Make something up!

122. Peter, what are all these women doing in our living room?

123. Lois, I took your advice and picked a new religion.

124. - I'm gonna be a Mormon. - A Mormon? Are you sure?

125. Come on. Nailing a different wife every night? That's a no-brainer.

126. Oh, Lois, this is Kimmy, the checkout girl from the Korean market.

127. Nancy, our postal carrier. And you know Tiffany,

128. the filthy woman who stands downtown and screams at traffic.

129. I ate a tube of Crest for dinner!

130. Isn't she funny? She's definitely the Kramer of my Mormon wives.

131. - Nancy, get me a beer. - Mormons aren't allowed to drink alcohol.

132. Peter, did you just throw those women away?

133. No. Maybe.

134. Also in the news, some trouble at St. Phillips Church.

135. That's right, Diane.

136. A shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy.

137. Sounds dangerous, Tom.

138. Be careful next time you're at confession telling the priest

139. about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen.

140. Well, at least you're in no danger, Diane, since you only visit church

141. to leave your self-delivered, unwashed, half-dead newborns on the back step.

142. Coming up, how to turn your unwanted change into folding money.

143. You know, it's kind of sad seeing Stewie in that plastic bubble.

144. - I think he looks like a bunny. - Oh, that's it, Chris, keep laughing.

145. When I get out of here, you're going to get it.

146. I'll lull you into a false sense of security like those network television announcers.

147. Tonight on an all-new Mama's Family,

148. Mama's got more than she can handle with the in-laws in town.

149. A deadly fire could spell death for a honeymoon couple

150. on an all-new Hotel.

151. Tonight on Newhart, the stockings are stuffed with comedy

152. when Bob has to play Santa Claus.

153. Then, a sniper's bullet threatens a partnership

154. on an all-new Cagney and Lacey.

155. Tonight on a laugh-out-loud Night Court,

156. love is in the air when Judge Harry's old high-school flame comes to town.

157. Then, a child's death could mean the case of Arnie Becker's life

158. on an all-new L.A. Law.

159. That's Night Court at 8:00.

160. L.A. Law at 9:00.

161. Now remember, kids, don't touch Stewie.

162. He's not allowed to have any human contact.

163. Hey, finish the job, idiot! For God's sakes, there's no ventilation!

164. It smells like Brian Dennehy in here!

165. I see London, I see France, I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass.

166. Hey, gay-bo, I'm up here. Up here.

167. Hi, my name's Peter.

168. I'm a Jehovah's Witness, here to spread the good news

169. of the story of Jesus Christ.

170. - Okay, go ahead. - Really?

171. Wow.

172. Boy, you're the first person who didn't slam the door on me.

173. Okay, well,

174. Jesus was a miracle worker, of sorts.

175. He would travel from place to place, putting things right that once went wrong

176. and hoping each time that his next leap would be the leap home.

177. What do you think you're doing with my wife?

178. Oh, boy.

179. The pathway to enlightenment starts with an unfettered, focused mind.

180. - Look out! - What are you doing?

181. Oh? I thought that dot on your head was from a sniper rifle.

182. Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment.

183. It's a portal, an opening through which

184. all light, goodness, rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy

185. may enter the human form.

186. - A vagina? - Get out.

187. Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View.

188. No! No, no! Not again!

189. Let me out of here! I can't watch another second!

190. Relax, Stewie. The doctor gave me this so you can get some exercise.

191. Boy, Stewie's more wound up than Dad was that time he took steroids.

192. Peter, could you please pass the potatoes?

193. Damn it, Meg!

194. Now, back to Happy Days. - Ah, that Fonzie is magic.

195. I love the way he hits the jukebox to make it work.

196. What is it, Mr. C?

197. Fonz, I wanted to pleasure Marion for our anniversary, but, as you know,

198. I have erectile dysfunction.

199. - Oh, there we go. - Thank you, Arthur.

200. Eh.

201. Brian, will you carry me upstairs? I want to look at my toys.

202. - No. I'm watching television. - Come on, I'm sick.

203. All right. Come here.

204. Oh, Todd, I feel like we'll never have a baby of our own!

205. We will, Kelly. You just have to visualize it.

206. Come on, close your eyes. Picture a happy, healthy baby boy at play.

207. Now put him in a magic bubble and release him to the universe.

208. Honey, now I want you to visualize Lindsay Lohan,

209. only, naked and doing a backwards crab-walk.

210. - What? - Just do this for me!

211. Ah, Peter! Where have you been, lad?

212. Well, Dad, I was trying to find my own religion, but it didn't work out.

213. I haven't been this disappointed since I lost my virginity.

214. Uh-oh.

215. You want to get some breakfast or something?

216. You want to find religion, all you got to do is look in your heart.

217. Who's always been there for you, offering wisdom and truth?

218. You've known him all along, Son. Now worship him!

219. Oh, my God! Dad's right!

220. There is only one person and it's time for him to be properly worshipped.

221. I, Peter Griffin, hereby establish

222. the First United Church of the Fonz.

223. Fonzie, if this be your will, give me a sign.

224. Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks.

225. It sure is! Fonzie be praised!

226. All right, Dad. Two days ago, this was an old barn.

227. And now, thanks to you, it's an old barn with a sign on it.

228. All things are possible through the Lord God, Arthur Fonzarelli, Son.

229. - So, you're really going through with this? - Absolutely.

230. You know this place only cost me $100?

231. That's a better deal than that Aaron Neville megaphone I bought.

232. Okay, I wanna thank you guys for making me Activity Director for the day.

233. Okay, first of all, can...

234. What the hell? What the hell's wrong with this thing?

235. Okay, we're about to start the...

236. Peter, it's not a good idea to be putting these flyers all over town.

237. People are gonna think you're crazy.

238. Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth?

239. I'm sorry, Lois, that was way more than what was called for,

240. but that's what happens when you challenge someone's faith.

241. Oh, Peter, I know this is important to you, but I don't wanna see you humiliated.

242. I don't think anyone's gonna wanna worship the Fonz.

243. - Is this the Church of the Fonz? - Yes, it is.

244. I read your flyer. Finally, a religion that makes sense to me.

245. Hey, everyone. I found him. Over here.

246. Oh, there you are. You would not believe the morning I've had.

247. What in blazes is this?

248. I thought you said we were going to church.

249. This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough

250. to follow his own vision.

251. Please rise.

252. Now sit on it.

253. The Fonz be with you.

254. And also with you.

255. - Let us "Eh. " - "Eh. "

256. Wow, I can't believe people are actually buying this.

257. Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian.

258. You see, deep down, I think we all secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid.

259. A reading from the letters of Potsie to the Tuscaderos.

260. Yea, and did Fonzie downstairs cometh from his apartment above the garage.

261. And sayeth he, " Reassembleth will I the pieces of my motorcycle,

262. "though I suffereth from temporary blindness.

263. "And yea, for I am holy, befriendeth I will Sticks Downey,

264. "the only negro in the state of Wisconsin. " Amen.

265. Amen.

266. - Brian, what's that smell? - Black spray paint.

267. - What were you painting? Oh, you think you're so funny.

268. Well, as soon as I figure out where I am, you're dead, Brian!

269. Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy since I did those helium whippets

270. at that birthday party.

271. Okay, okay, ready? Here goes.

272. I'm a female. I have a high voice.

273. I have reproductive organs inside of me.

274. And I buy groceries.

275. Peter, your religion is an abomination.

276. I never thought you could ever embarrass me more in a church

277. than you did at your cousin Mary's wedding.

278. And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married,

279. let him speak now.

280. Really?

281. Nobody's gonna speak up.

282. I'm the one who's gonna have to say it.

283. All right.

284. Genital warts.

285. But, Dad, you're the one who said I should look into my heart

286. - to find my religion. - Yes. Real religion.

287. What I saw today wasn't religion.

288. It was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs and listening to ridiculous tall tales.

289. - Actually, that is religion. - Shut your trap, Brian.

290. Hah! You tell him. - Why? I agree with you.

291. All Peter's done is found another way to exploit people's ignorance,

292. and that's just wrong.

293. You think I'm...

294. See, Brian, that's a word the Fonz can't say,

295. because all is right when you welcome Fonzie into your life.

296. Fonzie be with you.

297. I ought to take off my belt and slap the crap out of him.

298. Look, Francis. I don't like you and you don't like me.

299. But I suggest we set aside our differences and work together.

300. I have an idea of how to snap Peter out of this.

301. Work together? You and me?

302. Sure, sometimes opposites work well together.

303. In fact, Peter taught me that.

304. Reverend Peter, I gotta talk to you.

305. Last night I had sex with a teenage blonde and her mother.

306. Well, that's quite a story, Quagmire, but my church doesn't have confession.

307. So there's really no reason for you to tell me.

308. Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody. Giggity Goo Ga!

309. Let us pause to reflect on the sacred mystery

310. of Richie's elder brother, Chuck,

311. who ascended the stairs with his basketball in Season One

312. and never came down again.

313. There's just one problem, Peter.

314. When a religion gets too powerful, it's bound to have imitators.

315. What are you talking about?

316. Hi. I'm Sherman Hemsley and I've just established

317. the Church of George Jefferson.

318. Who wants to move on up?

319. Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod

320. and I've just established the Church of Captain Stubing.

321. Who wants to come on board?

322. Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron.

323. Oh, great. You here to convert people to the Church of Mike Seaver?

324. No, I'm here to convert people to Christianity.

325. Okay.

326. Well, he was on Growing Pains.

327. I can't believe it. Everybody's gone.

328. Well, people like that are always looking for the next voice

329. to tell them what to do.

330. And here I was, thinking I was making a difference.

331. I thought I was actually connecting with people.

332. Could there be anyone stupider than me?

333. - Madonna? - Oh, yeah. She's pretty stupid.

334. That's something we can all agree on, right?

335. - Absolutely, yeah. Francis? - Oh, major idiot. Major idiot.

336. Yeah, yeah. Well, gosh!

337. I guess we do have some common ground here after all, huh?

338. Yeah. And La Isla Bonita, not a real place. I looked it up. Couldn't find it.

339. - Bought a globe. Couldn't find it. - Oh, yeah? That makes her a liar, too.

340. - She's awful. - Awful, awful woman.

341. - I agree, yeah. - And she's a whore.

342. - Oh yeah, big time. - Oh, everybody. Canseco?

343. - Dennis Rodman. - Dennis Rodman, right. Right, yeah.

344. Rodman? My God!

345. I think he lost all his money, didn't he?

346. Rodman lost? You sure you're not thinking of MC Hammer?

347. No, no, I think... Well, him, too. I read somewhere, I think it was in like,

348. like Stuff, or is it...

349. No, no, no. You know what, it was on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.

350. And they said that he's in the poorhouse now, yeah.

351. You think she'd do him now?

352. What, would Madonna do Rodman now?

353. Oh, yeah, no, 'cause it's not about the money.

354. It's about pissing off Daddy.

355. That's right. She's got a lot of problems.

356. - Lot of problems. - Yeah, we are smarter.

357. - We are smarter than Madonna. - Oh, no question.

358. Well, I should probably get out of these robes.

359. - Oh, look at you. You're all better. - That's right, Brian. And you are toast.

360. I'm gonna get in the gym, get my lats back

361. and then me and my friends from Cobra Kai are gonna take you down, man.

362. Listen, sorry I had to rain on your parade, Peter.

363. It's all right, Brian.

364. I guess the Church of the Fonz was just a bad idea.

365. Not really, Peter. You were preaching honesty, friendship, courage.

366. And if you manage to inspire even one person to embrace those values

367. then you are a success.

368. Thanks, Lois. But I doubt there's any chance of that.