1. A-Team roll call. Face.Copy !req
2. Here and handsome.Copy !req
3. Murdoch?Copy !req
4. Here and crazy.Copy !req
5. B.A.?
I pity the fool.Copy !req
6. But I also suggest ways
he may better himself.Copy !req
7. Man, this is gonna be a fun day.Copy !req
8. Much better than that day
I tried Tag body spray
for sick cats.Copy !req
9. Oh, oh, oh, God.Copy !req
10. Oh, God. Oh, oh, no.Copy !req
11. Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Ew! Ew!Copy !req
12. Ew! Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no.Copy !req
13. You're cute.
You're cute.Copy !req
14. I don't want to pet you, though.Copy !req
15. Oh, all right.Copy !req
16. What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?Copy !req
17. Oh, no! Okay.
No, yeah, no.Copy !req
18. This spray is not for me.Copy !req
19. Brian, what are you doing here?Copy !req
20. Yeah. You look
just like Alf.Copy !req
21. Peter, I'm not Alf.Copy !req
22. Actually,
I'm Douglas Brackman
from L. A. Law,Copy !req
23. but I'm really here to write
an article on the convention
for The Daily Shopper.Copy !req
24. Well, you'll have a lot
to write about after we win
the costume contest.Copy !req
25. Hey, check it out.
Bill Cosby aerobics.Copy !req
26. Okay, everyone.
Alan Thicke will be up
in a minuteCopy !req
27. to answer your hate mail.Copy !req
28. But first, the winners
of this year's
costume contest:Copy !req
29. the A-Team with
the real black guy.Copy !req
30. Sweet!
All right! All right!Copy !req
31. Okay, you can stop
with that cigar now, Gary.Copy !req
32. My sinuses will thank you.Copy !req
33. Brian, I read your article
in The Daily Shopper.Copy !req
34. It was wonderful.Copy !req
35. Oh, don't oversell it, Lois.Copy !req
36. No, it was good.Copy !req
37. It almost felt like
it was written
by a real writer.Copy !req
38. I read your article, too, Brian.Copy !req
39. It seems to me
you should spend less time
working for the paperCopy !req
40. and more time working
on that novel
you've been working on.Copy !req
41. You know...Copy !req
42. This is Brian.
Brian, this is
Wellesley Shepherdson.Copy !req
43. I'm calling from The New Yorker.Copy !req
44. Perhaps you've heard of us?Copy !req
45. Yeah, of course
I've heard of you.Copy !req
46. I was using The Daily Shopper
to shoo away
a homeless person,Copy !req
47. and I saw your article.Copy !req
48. We'd love to talk to you
about becoming a contributor.Copy !req
49. Why don't you come by tomorrow?Copy !req
50. Wow! Yeah.
That'd be great.Copy !req
51. All right. 2:00.
I'll see you then.Copy !req
52. They want me to contribute
to The New Yorker.Copy !req
53. The New Yorker?
You'll fit in there as well as
I did at Woodstock.Copy !req
54. Excuse me.
It's been brought
to my attentionCopy !req
55. that a few bad apples
out there are
smoking marijuana.Copy !req
56. I've got news
for you, my friend.
Marijuana's illegal.Copy !req
57. Not cool.
All right then.Copy !req
58. You suck!
Learn the rules!Copy !req
59. And this is our writers' loungeCopy !req
60. where you'll meet
some of our contributors.Copy !req
61. Fielding Wellingtonsworth.
Hello.Copy !req
62. Livingston Winstofford.
Yes.Copy !req
63. Amelia Bedford
Furthington Chesterhill.Copy !req
64. Good day.Copy !req
65. And James William Bottomtooth.Copy !req
66. Everyone, this is Brian,
our newest contributor.Copy !req
67. Hi, there.
How's it going?Copy !req
68. Would you like some tea?
Cigar?Copy !req
69. Brandy?Copy !req
70. No. I'm good, thanks.Copy !req
71. We read your article, Brian.Copy !req
72. Your study in postmodern
American subcultures
was quite illuminating.Copy !req
73. Oh, wow, thanks.
That really means a lot
coming from you guys.Copy !req
74. Uh...Copy !req
75. I'm sorry?Copy !req
76. Uh...Copy !req
77. Yes?Copy !req
78. Hey, is there
a bathroom around here?Copy !req
79. Yes, yes. Follow me.Copy !req
80. Um,Copy !req
81. where are the toilets?Copy !req
82. Oh, no one
at The New Yorker
has an anus.Copy !req
83. Peter, it's been two weeks.Copy !req
84. Don't you think
it's time to take off
your A-Team costume?Copy !req
85. Yeah, I guess so.Copy !req
86. But part of me wished
we could just be
the A-Team forever, you know?Copy !req
87. This damn chair keeps wobbling.Copy !req
88. I think one of the legs
is short.Copy !req
89. Lance, I told you
to fix that chair!Copy !req
90. I checked it earlier.
It seems fine.Copy !req
91. Oh, that chair's
always like that.
Here, we'll help you.Copy !req
92. Wow, thanks!Copy !req
93. Hey, if we could fix
that wobbly chair,Copy !req
94. think of what else
we could do
for our community.Copy !req
95. Cleveland's right.Copy !req
96. It seems it's our destiny
to be the A-Team after all.Copy !req
97. We're the A-Team!
Yeah!Copy !req
98. In 2005, a group of local
misfits won a costume contestCopy !req
99. at an '80s TV convention.Copy !req
100. These men promptly
returned home
and drank some beer.Copy !req
101. Today they survive
as soldiers of fortune.Copy !req
102. If you have a problem,
if no one else can help,Copy !req
103. and if you can find them,Copy !req
104. maybe you can hire The A-Team.Copy !req
105. So I said to him,
"Brown liquor
before Labor Day?Copy !req
106. "What, do you
work for Esquire?"Copy !req
107. Oh, Brian, how droll!Copy !req
108. We'll have to put that
into a cartoon.Copy !req
109. Or as we call it,
an illustrated
laughing square.Copy !req
110. Wow. You went
to Harvard, huh?Copy !req
111. I'm an Ivy League man myself.
I went to Brown.Copy !req
112. My incarcerated business
partner's retarded
gay niece went to Brown.Copy !req
113. What year did you graduate?Copy !req
114. Well, I mean, I didn't
technically graduate.Copy !req
115. You're a college dropout?Copy !req
116. Brian, The New Yorker
does not employ your kind.Copy !req
117. You, sir, are fired!Copy !req
118. No dogs allowed.Copy !req
119. Oh, Brian, I can't believe
they fired you.Copy !req
120. How come you never told us
you dropped out of college?Copy !req
121. I saw an after-school
special about that.Copy !req
122. It didn't work out too well
for Kristy McNichol.Copy !req
123. But then again, nothing did.Copy !req
124. I was only one course
shy of graduatingCopy !req
125. and I just cracked
under the pressure.Copy !req
126. And now it just cost me
the best job I ever had.Copy !req
127. Well, don't take it too hard.Copy !req
128. You're not the first person
to get fired.Copy !req
129. Look, uh, Louis,
the French people really
want to thank youCopy !req
130. for your services as king.Copy !req
131. But it's just not working outCopy !req
132. and we've decided
to go another way.Copy !req
133. So...Copy !req
134. Yeah.Copy !req
135. I just heard the dog got fired.Copy !req
136. Did I miss it?
Did he cry yet?Copy !req
137. Oh, come on, dog.
Cry for me.Copy !req
138. There, there you are.Copy !req
139. Oh, yeah.
Cry for Stewie.Copy !req
140. Life isn't what you thought
it would be.Copy !req
141. Boy, I'll tell you,
not graduating from collegeCopy !req
142. has haunted me for years.Copy !req
143. But, Brian, if you only had
one class left,Copy !req
144. why don't you just
go back and finish?Copy !req
145. Plenty of people do that.Copy !req
146. You know, Lois,
that's not a bad idea.Copy !req
147. Well, this is boring.Copy !req
148. Let's go see what Meg is up to.Copy !req
149. Hello, Meg.Copy !req
150. Stewie? What the hell
are you doing here?Copy !req
151. Are you kidding?
I couldn't miss watching
you crash and burnCopy !req
152. in this misguided attempt
to finish college.Copy !req
153. Look, you're not staying.Copy !req
154. I'm gonna call Lois
and have her pick you
up right now.Copy !req
155. Hi, I'm your roommate Caleb.Copy !req
156. I like cutting myself.
I bleed a lot.Copy !req
157. Could I have the top bunk?Copy !req
158. He already has
a roommate. Me.Copy !req
159. We're a couple of
crazy college kooks.Copy !req
160. For example, we're about
to make a hilarious
answering-machine message.Copy !req
161. Uh, you've reached
Stewie and Brian.
We're not here right now.Copy !req
162. Uh, and if this is Mom, uh,
send money because
we're college studentsCopy !req
163. and we need money
for books and highlighters,Copy !req
164. and Ramen Noodles,Copy !req
165. and condoms
for sexual relations
with our classmates.Copy !req
166. All right, fine.
You can stay if you want.
But what do I tell Lois?Copy !req
167. You don't have to
tell her anything.Copy !req
168. Gary Coleman owed me a favor.Copy !req
169. Stewie, you want
some more strained peas?Copy !req
170. What you talking about,
vile woman?Copy !req
171. There she is, boys. All done.Copy !req
172. The A-Team is ready
to help rid the worldCopy !req
173. of injustice and evil.Copy !req
174. Yeah!Copy !req
175. All right!Copy !req
176. Yeah!Copy !req
177. Let's do it!Copy !req
178. Uh, this is
Advanced Physics, right?Copy !req
179. I have a right
to defend myself
as a woman!Copy !req
180. No means no!Copy !req
181. What the hell
is wrong with you?
I'm sorry.Copy !req
182. I just came from
that orientation seminar
about college dating.Copy !req
183. Hi, I'm Kelly McGillis.Copy !req
184. And I'm here to talk
to you about rape.Copy !req
185. Ladies, look to your left.
Now look to your right.Copy !req
186. Statistics indicate
that both of those men
will rape you.Copy !req
187. I'm not gonna rape you.Copy !req
188. I might.Copy !req
189. Good morning, class.Copy !req
190. Hey, can I borrow a pencil?Copy !req
191. Now, now, it looks like
we have a comedian.Copy !req
192. I wasn't making a joke.
I was just asking...Copy !req
193. Now, Louie Anderson,
our first test is Friday.Copy !req
194. And if you don't pass,
you are not in the class.Copy !req
195. Fluffy! Fluffy,
come down!Copy !req
196. Oh, Mommy, Daddy,
what are we gonna do?Copy !req
197. Don't you worry,
sad little girl.Copy !req
198. The A-team will get
your beloved kitty down.Copy !req
199. Ready, boys?Copy !req
200. No need to thank us.
It's what we do.Copy !req
201. Who the hell are you guys?Copy !req
202. We're the A-Team.Copy !req
203. Get off my property!Copy !req
204. Yeah, that's probably
a good idea. Let's go.Copy !req
205. What do you think?
Hmm?Copy !req
206. I got this at the school store.Copy !req
207. It's an M.C. Escher drawing.Copy !req
208. I think it's called
Crazy Stairs.Copy !req
209. Look, Stewie,
I got to finish
this assignmentCopy !req
210. or I'm gonna fail this class.Copy !req
211. All done.
What?Copy !req
212. Stewie, I can't use this.
It'd be cheating.Copy !req
213. Well, fine. Listen,
I'll be out on the quad.Copy !req
214. Do you know
what I've discovered
about myselfCopy !req
215. since I've been in college?Copy !req
216. I am so all about
Ultimate Frisbee.Copy !req
217. Oh, no!
Did that hit
Crazy Stairs?Copy !req
218. I've graded your assignments.Copy !req
219. Clearly there is
only one person hereCopy !req
220. who understands the material.Copy !req
221. Brian Griffin.Copy !req
222. Just, uh, got lucky, I guess.Copy !req
223. No, Brian.
I underestimated you.Copy !req
224. Here, let me put
a smiley face
on your test.Copy !req
225. May I borrow your pen?Copy !req
226. You... Do you want me
to just stick it in there?Copy !req
227. Yes.Copy !req
228. There. You have earned that.Copy !req
229. Hey, what's up, B-rie?Copy !req
230. Stewie, just give me a beer.
I've had a bad day.Copy !req
231. I cheated on that assignment.Copy !req
232. You know,
I haven't taken a shower
since we got here.Copy !req
233. I totally reek, man.Copy !req
234. Check this out.
Come on!Copy !req
235. Tell me that's not epic.Copy !req
236. You know, I didn't come
back to college just to
cheat my way through.Copy !req
237. I wanted to do it on my own.Copy !req
238. Will you relax?
Plenty of people cheat.Copy !req
239. Once again, Ashlee Simpson.Copy !req
240. Oh, my God! Mom, look.Copy !req
241. They're tearing down
Roger Williams Park
to build a strip mall.Copy !req
242. Oh, no. I take Stewie
there all the time,
don't I, sweetie?Copy !req
243. Victory shall be mine.Copy !req
244. That's where I go to make out
with my boyfriend...Copy !req
245. Darren Mitchelstork.Copy !req
246. Yup, he's the chairmanCopy !req
247. of the soccer ball team.Copy !req
248. Well, all right.Copy !req
249. Make sure you practice
safe sex, Meg.Copy !req
250. You little liar!Copy !req
251. Roger Williams Park?Copy !req
252. That sounds like a job
for the A-Team.Copy !req
253. Hi, Dad.
Go to your room.Copy !req
254. Okay.Copy !req
255. Ah, Brian.Copy !req
256. I am glad you could come
to my faculty cocktail party.Copy !req
257. Let me introduce my wife Helen.Copy !req
258. Damn it, Steve.
You forgot to put out
the cheese and crackers.Copy !req
259. Helen, don't start with me
in front of our guests.Copy !req
260. Do you think I like hitting you?Copy !req
261. I am sorry you had to see that.Copy !req
262. Look, sir,
I really need to confess
something to you.Copy !req
263. That assignment I turned in...Copy !req
264. You know, Brian,Copy !req
265. before you came along,
I was so depressed,Copy !req
266. I was planning to kill myself.Copy !req
267. But you have inspired me.Copy !req
268. If you can learn,
maybe one day I can walk.Copy !req
269. Now, what was it
you wanted to say?Copy !req
270. Uh,Copy !req
271. nothing.Copy !req
272. You were supposed
to get potato chips,
you jackass.Copy !req
273. Damn it, Helen.
Get the hell off
my back or so help me...Copy !req
274. So help me...Copy !req
275. Don't worry.
I hear they have
great makeup sex.Copy !req
276. That feels so good.
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
277. Hello.Copy !req
278. Like that?Copy !req
279. Oh, baby.Copy !req
280. I thought about this all day.Copy !req
281. Not so fast.Copy !req
282. You are hurting me.Copy !req
283. All right. All right.Copy !req
284. Stewie, come on.
We're going home.Copy !req
285. What the devil
are you talking about?Copy !req
286. My final exam is tomorrowCopy !req
287. and the only way
I'm gonna pass
is if I cheat.Copy !req
288. And if I do that,
what was the point of
coming back to college?Copy !req
289. We can't leave.
It's almost halftime
and we all pooped in the tuba.Copy !req
290. Okay, we can go.Copy !req
291. Hey, what are you guys doing?
This is a job site.Copy !req
292. No, it's not!
It's Roger Williams Park,Copy !req
293. and we're here to stop you
from destroying it.Copy !req
294. Whoa! Whoa!
What are you gonna do?
Kill us?Copy !req
295. Huh? Oh, no, no.
We wouldn't do that.Copy !req
296. We'll probably just
shoot the ground all
around you to make you scared.Copy !req
297. And then you'll jump
in your truck
and speed off,Copy !req
298. hit something
and do a wicked flip
through the air.Copy !req
299. Well, that'd kill us.
No, no.Copy !req
300. You guys will just roll
out of the vehicle,
and dust yourself offCopy !req
301. and lumber back
to your hideout, defeated.Copy !req
302. Buddy, I had a cousin
got in a fender bender
at five miles an hour,Copy !req
303. messed his neck up,
he's got partial numbness.Copy !req
304. He's just not
the same guy anymore.Copy !req
305. Was he wearing his safety belt?Copy !req
306. Thank God.Copy !req
307. Yeah, 'cause, you know,
I know this guy who took
his car in for an oil change.Copy !req
308. And then later
he got in a wreck,
and the airbag didn't deploy.Copy !req
309. Turns out they stole it,
sold it for spare parts.Copy !req
310. No way!
It happens.Copy !req
311. They call them chop shops.
Makes it harder
to track stolen parts.Copy !req
312. Jeez, that is awful.Copy !req
313. Well, look,
you guys got
a lot of work to do.Copy !req
314. We should probably
get out of your hair.Copy !req
315. Take it easy, guys.Copy !req
316. Don't forget
to put your tools away.Copy !req
317. We blew it, didn't we?Copy !req
318. Boy, you can say that again.Copy !req
319. We were right there,
ready to save
Roger Williams Park,Copy !req
320. and we got sidetracked
by idle conversation.Copy !req
321. We're a terrible A-Team.Copy !req
322. You know what the problem is?
We didn't stay focused.Copy !req
323. That's exactly it.
I was gonna...
We didn't stay focused.Copy !req
324. I mean, we were right there,
you know? And then we just...Copy !req
325. Somehow we just...
I mean...Copy !req
326. Well, it's already been said.
We didn't stay focused.Copy !req
327. And now back to
The Facts of Life.Copy !req
328. Hey, Mrs. Garrett,
can I ask you something?Copy !req
329. What is it, Jo?Copy !req
330. Is it a problem
if your penis and your vagina
touch each other?Copy !req
331. What?Copy !req
332. Well, I try to keep
them separated,Copy !req
333. but I woke up this morning
and they were
sort of together.Copy !req
334. I just didn't know.
Is that okay?Copy !req
335. You have both?Copy !req
336. Well, yeah.
Doesn't everybody?Copy !req
337. No!Copy !req
338. Brian, what are you doing home?Copy !req
339. I couldn't do it, Lois.Copy !req
340. You know, I thought
I'd be able to finish
this time.Copy !req
341. But I just don't have
what it takes to be
a college graduate.Copy !req
342. But you're so close.
I mean, your final
exam's tomorrow.Copy !req
343. You can't just give up.
You could study tonight.Copy !req
344. And I think
if you really work at it...Copy !req
345. Lois, it's over.
All right?Copy !req
346. I'm not going.Copy !req
347. Well, whatever you say.Copy !req
348. Hey, what's in this closet?Copy !req
349. What are you doing?Copy !req
350. Well, my, my!Copy !req
351. Mr. Hoover's come to visit.Copy !req
352. I don't want
to see Mr. Hoover.Copy !req
353. I wonder if Mr. Hoover has
anything to say
about all this?Copy !req
354. Lois, this is not funny.
I really don't want
to see Mr...Copy !req
355. Stop! Stop it! Stop it!Copy !req
356. It's scaring me!
Leave me alone!Copy !req
357. It's so loud!Copy !req
358. Stop! Stop it!Copy !req
359. All right. Okay.
I'll study!Copy !req
360. I'll help you, if you want.Copy !req
361. No, thanks, Lois.Copy !req
362. There's only one person
who can help me.Copy !req
363. Drago!Copy !req
364. You know the exam's
in three hours?Copy !req
365. Ah, crap! All we've done
is work out.Copy !req
366. We should study.
Right.Copy !req
367. Peter, you're not wearing
your costume anymore.Copy !req
368. What's the point?Copy !req
369. You know, I thought I could
help people with this whole
A-Team thing,Copy !req
370. but it turns out
I'm as useless asCopy !req
371. that nude Playboy
spread of Debbie Gibson.Copy !req
372. It's like, yeah, she's naked,
but who gives a shit?Copy !req
373. Oh, my God, I overslept.
My final exam's in 20 minutes.Copy !req
374. Brian, you'll never make it.Copy !req
375. Unless there was
some kind of team of peopleCopy !req
376. who could get you there in time.Copy !req
377. Peter, do you know
anybody like that?Copy !req
378. You may start your examsCopy !req
379. now.Copy !req
380. Well, how'd you do?
I failed.Copy !req
381. What? You failed?
Yup.Copy !req
382. Well, then what the hell
are you smiling for?Copy !req
383. Because I took it all the way.
I didn't give up on myself.Copy !req
384. And I didn't cheat.Copy !req
385. Wow. You probably
should have.Copy !req
386. Yeah. I was just
gonna say that.Copy !req
387. Yeah, you would have
probably been better off.Copy !req
388. Look, it doesn't matter
how it turned out.Copy !req
389. I finished what I started,Copy !req
390. which means I have my pride.
And that's something.Copy !req
391. No, it's not!
Yeah! Are you
out of your mind?Copy !req
392. I mean, what the...
I don't understand that.
What is that like?Copy !req
393. You're such a loser.Copy !req
394. I hate you!Copy !req