Family Guy 3x5

Directed by Bert Ring

Patrick Duffy as Jack / Salesman / Teacher (voice) • Lisa Wilhoit as Connie D'Amico (voice) • Debra Wilson as Janet / Mrs. Kanner / Nurse (voice) • Tara Strong as Cheerleader #1 / Cheerleader #2 (voice) • Rachael MacFarlane as Beverly / Cheerleader (voice)

Peter joins a gun club to compensate for his lack of physical assets; Meg becomes the target of the "cool" gang's wrath.

Request examples:

!req Family Guy 3x5 [02:32]
!req Family Guy 3x5 [Family Guy 3x5]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Family Guy 3x5 [10-11]; !req Family Guy 3x5 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Look, Meg, I'm that pretty dark-haired figure skater

2. with the horse teeth.

3. You know, the one who got

4. what she had coming.

5. Nice figure eight, Mom.

6. All right.

7. Okay, Bonnie, one two, three, push.

8. My God, I can walk.

9. It's a mira...!

10. Sorry, Dad.

11. Just get the chair.

12. Good shot.

13. Made my brown eye blue with that one.

14. Next one's coming for your head.

15. Oh, no.

16. No, help! Oh, help!

17. What the hell?

18. Now is the winter of your discontent.

19. Hey, Chris, you want to race?

20. On your mark, get set, go.

21. First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl

22. fell through the ice after coming to the States

23. to get treatment for her severely burned face

24. which she got when the man she refused to marry

25. dumped sulfuric acid on her wins.

26. I win. Yes! Yes!

27. In your face. In your face!

28. In my face. In my face.

29. Oh, no, Acid Girl!

30. It's Acid Girl!

31. James Woods High

32. I am high on James Woods High.

33. Hey, guys.

34. What do you want, Meg?

35. I'm here to try out for cheerleading.

36. Peter Rabbit would be wise

37. to stay out of Mr. MacGregor's garden.

38. Why don't you try the flag girl squad?

39. Are you trying out for flag girl?

40. Yes! I win again, Andy.

41. Come on, mate.

42. One more before the missus notices

43. I'm not snoozing on the couch.

44. Too late.

45. Hey, careful, Quagmire.

46. Don't get too close

47. to that thing.

48. What the hell.

49. Did I just get laid?

50. Nice game, Peter.

51. Yeah, I'm on a roll.

52. I whipped Chris on the ice today, too.

53. Enjoy it while it lasts.

54. It's only a matter of time before he beats you.

55. What are you talking about?

56. I'm better than him at everything.

57. You name it— sports, video games

58. even magic tricks.

59. Ha, ha, got your nose.

60. Oh, yeah?

61. Well, I got your face.

62. Calm down, Chris.

63. It's only a trick.

64. Face it, Peter, sooner or later

65. you're going to have to pass the torch.

66. I remember the first time Kevin beat me.

67. I was so proud of him.

68. I gave him a little congratulatory punch in the arm...

69. and then another

70. and then everything got a little hazy.

71. Kevin went to live with a foster family for a while.

72. Anyway, it's inevitable.

73. Oh, don't feel bad, Joe.

74. I think I know why your son beat you.

75. Apparently, you're a 12-year-old prepubescent girl.

76. Which is good

77. 'cause I finally have someone to give this training bra to.

78. Here you go, Josephina.

79. Does that feel good on your new budding bosoms?

80. It sure does, Mr...

81. Get the hell off of me!

82. Well, Rudolph, we finally figured out

83. what makes your nose red.

84. Is it pixie dust, or leprechaun tails?

85. No, it's a tumor.

86. You mean like a magical Christmas tumor?

87. No, a malignant tumor—

88. the base of which is lodged deep within your brain.

89. Oh.

90. Like a happy, special...

91. You're going to die.

92. Hey, everybody, guess what I am.

93. The end result of a drunken backseat grope-fest

94. and a broken prophylactic?

95. I'm on the flag girl squad.

96. Oh, honey, congratulations.

97. Hey, Chris, I bet you can't do this.

98. I bet I can.

99. We perform at all the football games.

100. I'm practically a cheerleader.

101. Oh, Meg, that's wonderful.

102. Isn't that wonderful, Peter?

103. Yeah. Way to go, Stewie.

104. All right, Chris, I'll see you a fork

105. and raise you a gravy ladle.

106. You're on.

107. So, you're a flag girl.

108. That's great, Meg.

109. Yes, yes.

110. Now you can be somewhere else

111. when the boys don't call.

112. All right, saltshaker up the nose.

113. I've got pepper.

114. Yes! I win!

115. That was fun, Dad.

116. I'm the man!

117. Yeah! Yea...

118. Um, Lois, go get the medical dictionary

119. and look up fork and lung.

120. Why?

121. Time's a factor, Lois.

122. Say, Meg, looking sharp.

123. You want to go out after the game tonight?

124. Neal, I'm a flag girl now.

125. I'm way too cool to be seen with you.

126. Really?

127. Not even if I smoke this corncob pipe?

128. Hey, you guys.

129. Are we all ready to cheer at the game tonight?

130. We?

131. You made flag girl, huh?

132. Yes. So this morning my mom was all like

133. "Meg, don't forget your lunch."

134. And I'm all like, "Mom, I'm a flag girl now.

135. I'm not going to forget my lunch."

136. And she's all like, "Meg, don't forget

137. your half-time routine at the game."

138. Moms.

139. Hey, maybe we could all, like, hang out after the game.

140. Go, team!

141. Uncool people are like animals.

142. You want to go feed the science club after school?

143. Look at me.

144. Look at me. I'm smoking.

145. Dog, Dog, look.

146. You know, alcohol doesn't really make you warmer.

147. In fact, it constricts the blood vessels, causing...

148. Shut up.

149. The dog just told me to shut up.

150. I demand to know what you plan to do about this.

151. Hey, hey, the dog just told me...

152. Be quiet, Stewie.

153. Freezing my nips off out here.

154. Oh, look, there's Meg.

155. Meg.

156. Meg!

157. Meg!

158. Meg!

159. Hi, there.

160. Hi, Meg.

161. Here we go.

162. Peter, isn't she beautiful?

163. Yeah, but I think she's with that guy.

164. They've been holding hands all night.

165. I mean Meg.

166. Oh, oh, yeah.

167. Yeah, she's hot.

168. Aw, this meat stinks something fierce.

169. This ought to knock her down a couple notches.

170. Yay, Meg.

171. I love how these kids celebrate these days.

172. What do you got?

173. What do you got, huh?

174. Come on.

175. Come on, ref. That's charging.

176. Your feet were moving. No foul.

177. No foul?

178. There's a stupid call.

179. And I know something about stupid calls.

180. Hello.

181. Lois, I can't take out the garbage

182. because I'm at the office and they're making me stay late.

183. Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen.

184. In fact, I can see you.

185. Can you see me now?

186. No.

187. Okay, now I'm at the office.

188. The score's tied. Next basket wins.

189. Chris, you might finally beat your old man.

190. What are you talking about "old man"?

191. I'm the white Larry Bird.

192. What do you got?

193. What do you got, huh? Come on.

194. Your mother and I are getting a divorce.

195. You are?

196. Yes! Yes!

197. Oh, no, we worked it out.

198. Yes!

199. Well, son, you played good

200. but your dad is still number one.

201. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you.

202. Hey, Chris, what's with your leg?

203. Oh, my God!

204. That's not your leg!

205. What's wrong, honey?

206. I'll tell you what's wrong.

207. I'm trying to make love to you

208. and you're thinking about Chris.

209. Peter, is there something you need to tell me?

210. Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang.

211. Thanks to me?

212. Well, he didn't get it from me.

213. What are you talking about?

214. I'll show you.

215. All right, stand back, Lois.

216. Oh, my.

217. Well, no wonder he's always slouching.

218. How the hell did this happen?

219. I'm supposed to be the man of the house.

220. You must be so ashamed of me.

221. Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis

222. as you care about the size of my breasts.

223. Oh, my God!

224. Meg, honey, you can't let those awful kids get to you.

225. Oh, they won't.

226. Because I'm never going back

227. to that school again.

228. Dad, after dinner

229. could you help me with my algebra?

230. Hey, you're a big man.

231. You figure it out.

232. You know, I bet there's a part of you

233. that really wants to be friends with them.

234. Maybe.

235. So, be nice to them.

236. Win your enemies over with unflappable kindness.

237. Chris, drink your milk.

238. It'll make you big and strong.

239. No! No more milk for him, Lois!

240. He's had enough!

241. Give me that.

242. Meghan, you must try the brisket.

243. Allow me to serve it in the manner

244. to which you're accustomed.

245. Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart.

246. I know what it takes to be cool.

247. She packed my bags...

248. last night— preflight.

249. Zero hour— 9:00 a.m.

250. And I'm gonna be high...

251. as a kite by then.

252. Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.

253. Hi, you guys.

254. Oh, God, it's her.

255. Look, about the other night...

256. Oh, that was hilarious.

257. I just wish I'd known ahead of time.

258. I would have brought potato salad.

259. Hey, you guys want tomorrow's Biology test?

260. Whoa! How'd you get that?

261. I spent the night with Mr. Burler.

262. Ah, the sun's up.

263. I'm safe for another night.

264. Thanks, Meg.

265. Wow. Thanks.

266. See ya.

267. That was kind of cool.

268. Yeah.

269. I'm bored.

270. Hey, you want to go push the janitor

271. knowing he can't legally push us back?

272. Sure.

273. Awesome.

274. Okay, cool.

275. Hey, Dad, look at these little bananas.

276. Why, you smug little bastard.

277. Peter!

278. Chris, these are plantains

279. and there's nothing wrong with them.

280. In fact, a lot of women prefer them

281. to normal-sized bananas because they're exotic

282. and flavorful and very, very special.

283. Oh, yeah, sure, Lois, all the sorority girls

284. are clamoring for the plantain section.

285. Stop with this.

286. Look, Peter, you're overreacting to this Chris stuff.

287. I mean, mine goes inside of me when I stand up.

288. How do you think I feel?

289. Is Dad mad at me?

290. Oh, of course not, honey.

291. Now go pick out a box of cereal

292. and meet me at the ten-inches-or-less line.

293. Items!

294. Nice, huh?

295. Yeah, you like this?

296. Stop it, Peter.

297. You're embarrassing me.

298. Look, I know you're upset, but...

299. Oh, my God. Where's Stewie?

300. He's around.

301. Let me out of this

302. stink-filled corduroy dungeon!

303. Peter, that's sick!

304. It's okay. He's outside the underwear.

305. Enjoy your new car, Mr. Griffin.

306. Thanks, Jim.

307. Hey, when you pull that thing into your garage

308. does the garage say, "Is it in yet?"

309. Don't worry, baby.

310. I'll be gentle.

311. Ow, my pride.

312. Mom, you were right!

313. I was nice to the cool kids

314. and they didn't spit on me.

315. Connie D'Amico even invited me to her Sweet 16.

316. Oh, how wonderful.

317. Now, what time do we nail those snot-nosed punks?

318. "Nail them"?

319. You told me to win them over with kindness.

320. Yes, and now that they think you're their friend

321. it's the perfect time to exact your revenge.

322. "Revenge"?

323. See, Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles

324. you see on the Discovery Channel:

325. beautiful to look at

326. but mess with one of my chicks

327. and I'll use my razor-sharp talons

328. to rip your eyes out.

329. Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate chip?

330. Ooh, I do.

331. But keep talking.

332. All this stuff about eye-gouging has got me all frisky.

333. Really, I've got about a half a pack

334. of Rolaids in my diaper.

335. I'm glad you're interested

336. in joining the National Gun Association, Peter.

337. Let me show you around.

338. This is our shooting range.

339. And here we have our locker room

340. with full shower facilities.

341. Holy crap, they're all so small.

342. Well, you see, Peter, the way we look at it

343. a man's only as big as the gun he carries.

344. Sign me up, Jack

345. and give me the biggest freaking gun you got.

346. Hey, Stewie, you can come out now.

347. Ah! Turn off the light.

348. I'm reading a ghost story.

349. Pull.

350. Oh, yeah.

351. Who's the big man now, huh?

352. Madonna or Janet Jackson?

353. Which Janet Jackson?

354. Velvet Rope.

355. Yeah, that one. Pull!

356. Peter, what the hell are you doing

357. with that thing?

358. You want to touch it?

359. Go on. Got to be careful, though.

360. You don't want it to get too excited

361. and go off in your hair.

362. This is pathetic.

363. And all because

364. you feel inadequate next to Chris.

365. Don't be stupid.

366. I don't need to compete with my son

367. or his freakishly large penis.

368. I'm a freak.

369. Don't despair.

370. Let's just hang a tire on the end of it

371. and head on down to the old swimming hole.

372. Okay, listen up.

373. Connie D'Amico's house is two stories.

374. Now, if we set up booby traps here, here...

375. How'd you get these blueprints?

376. Oh, your mother has her ways.

377. She has her ways.

378. Can I have the blueprints to the D'Amico house?

379. Sure, here you go.

380. Now, I've put together a little flash bomb

381. to create a diversion.

382. I used to date the pyro guy from Whitesnake.

383. What's Whitesnake?

384. That's the music mommies and daddies listen to.

385. Fire in the hole!

386. Peter, some of the guys from the club

387. are going hunting tomorrow.

388. Count me in.

389. Hunting?

390. I thought you were going to play hockey with Chris.

391. Well, you can bring him along.

392. Oh, no, it's too dangerous.

393. Lois, Lois, the National Gun Association is all about safety

394. especially when it comes to kids.

395. Take a look at our new video.

396. Let's face it.

397. Your kids are going to get into your guns.

398. That's a fact.

399. Gun accidents can be avoided

400. by introducing your children to guns as early as possible.

401. Hi, I'm Petey the Pistol.

402. Say, do you ever get lonely?

403. Yes.

404. Me, too.

405. Hold me.

406. If you squeeze me

407. I make bad people go away.

408. But wait a minute.

409. I though guns were bad.

410. Guns are good.

411. In fact, did you know that

412. Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans?

413. So, remember, guns don't kill people—

414. dangerous minorities do.

415. See, Lois, they're responsible.

416. Hey, check it out, Chris.

417. I can write my name in the snow.

418. This is fun, Dad.

419. Son, son, I told you

420. out here in the wilderness call me Rooster Cogburn.

421. You know, Rooster

422. I was starting to think you didn't like me anymore.

423. Chris, look. Tracks.

424. There must be a deer around here.

425. Those are snowmobile tracks.

426. Shh, there he is.

427. Ah, such grace.

428. That's the thing about hunting.

429. You got to be patient.

430. What the hell was that?

431. Here, put this in the heating grate

432. and set it off in five minutes.

433. I changed my mind.

434. I'm not doing it.

435. These people are my friends now.

436. After they pelted you with meat?

437. Did you forget how

438. the neighbor kids chased after you

439. and tried to sprinkle you with Fixin's?

440. Yes, I did.

441. Okay, now we're going to play "Seven Minutes in Heaven"

442. and it's my party so I want Doug

443. to go in the closet with Meg.

444. Have fun.

445. Okay, everyone, get ready.

446. Say hello to the lovers.

447. I don't know who should be more humiliated

448. Meg or the pig?

449. She's such a dork.

450. I think I feel worse for the pig.

451. Mom, you were right.

452. I should have just stuck to the plan.

453. Well, I figured

454. you might get soft on me

455. so I hired an old friend to scar them for life.

456. Hey, there, sweetie.

457. How old are you?

458. Sixteen.

459. 18? You're first.

460. Mom?

461. I like where this is going.

462. Giggety-giggety, giggety.

463. Don't worry, Chris.

464. I'll handle the bear.

465. Say hello to Satan for me.

466. It's a boy, Mrs. Griffin.

467. I'm afraid the fever

468. has affected his motor skills, Mrs. Griffin.

469. Looks like he's going to have to repeat

470. the fourth grade, Mrs. Griffin.

471. Looks like he's going to have to repeat

472. the fourth grade, Mrs. Griffin.

473. The only way to get rid of them

474. is with this special shampoo and a tiny comb, Mr. Griffin.

475. Congratulations, you've passed the fourth grade, Mr. Griffin.

476. Oh, great. Listen, I got to leave, though.

477. I'm going hunting with my son.

478. Dad, I know what to do.

479. I saw it on Fox's When Bears Attack.

480. Go away! Go on! Get!

481. Stay tuned for an all-new Ally McBeal.

482. Holy crap.

483. Chris, that was amazing.

484. I mean, I just froze up

485. but you handled that bear like a real man.

486. I'm proud of you, son.

487. You are?

488. 'Cause I heard what you said

489. about my huge... you know.

490. Oh, oh, you...

491. You heard that, huh?

492. Well, I was just being stupid.

493. Take it from me

494. that thing you got there is a blessing.

495. I mean, every guy you see with a big house

496. or a fancy car or a shiny gold tooth

497. is really just saying, "Don't look at my penis"

498. but you'll never have to worry about that.

499. Thanks, Dad.

500. You're the best.

501. You know, Dad, I just realized something.

502. Your name's Peter.

503. You're right. It is.

504. Peter.