1. It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. Is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. But where are those
good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. On which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. Lucky there's a man who
positively can doCopy !req
7. All the things that make usCopy !req
8. Laugh and cry!Copy !req
9. He's a family guy!Copy !req
10. So, uh, tell me about yourself, Tina.Copy !req
11. Well, I really love music.Copy !req
12. Oh, God. Me, too.Copy !req
13. You know, I just saw Don Giovanni.Copy !req
14. In my opinion, the best opera
of the 18th century.Copy !req
15. Definitely.Copy !req
16. And the use of recitative throughout...Copy !req
17. Oh, Mozart was a genius.Copy !req
18. Oh, yeah, reci-ta-teev
is really, you know, where it's at.Copy !req
19. Sir, are we ready to order?Copy !req
20. Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.Copy !req
21. You have no idea
what I'm talking about, do you?Copy !req
22. Well, sure, I do. Opera is bitchin'!Copy !req
23. Um, okay, I guess
I'll have the es-car-got,Copy !req
24. and a glass of cha-bliss.Copy !req
25. Same here.
Es-car-got and the cha-bliss.Copy !req
26. Don't dawdle, Jonas. Play your exercises.Copy !req
27. Brian, you're home early.
What happened with your date?Copy !req
28. Same thing that always happens.Copy !req
29. She was an idiot.Copy !req
30. Oh, Brian.Copy !req
31. Don't slow down, Jonas. Keep the rhythm.Copy !req
32. Bom, bom, bom, bomCopy !req
33. Brian, your standards
are ridiculously high!Copy !req
34. You'll never find a girlCopy !req
35. Unless you're willing
to make exceptions and compromiseCopy !req
36. So you can find your loveCopy !req
37. Lois, I don't think I have
to compromise a thingCopy !req
38. I'd rather be alone than with someone
who doesn't get meCopy !req
39. Oh, and how long has the coffeeCopy !req
40. Been on the burner in the kitchen?Copy !req
41. I could really use a cup about nowCopy !req
42. Oh, it's not very freshCopy !req
43. You see, I meant to make moreCopy !req
44. But I made the mistakeCopy !req
45. Of getting caught up watching OprahCopy !req
46. She had on James GarnerCopy !req
47. James Garner?
What's he plugging?Copy !req
48. I don't know
Some crappy movie on TNTCopy !req
49. Very good, Jonas.Copy !req
50. I'll see you next week.Copy !req
51. So what is it, Brian?Copy !req
52. You don't think
these women understand you?Copy !req
53. You know, Lois, I'm really not comfortable
talking about this a-melodically.Copy !req
54. Peter, I was wondering if you could...Copy !req
55. Shh! Hang on a second, Lois.Copy !req
56. And now, back to
The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams.Copy !req
57. Um... Grizzly... Who's Steve?Copy !req
58. What?Copy !req
59. There's a message on the machine
from somebody named Steve.Copy !req
60. Oh, yeah. Steve.Copy !req
61. Um... He's, uh, new to the mountain.Copy !req
62. I met him down at the general store.
He makes canoes.Copy !req
63. Oh.Copy !req
64. How come I've never met him?Copy !req
65. Mm... He hasn't really
been here that long.Copy !req
66. Long enough to get your number!Copy !req
67. - Ben... Ben!Copy !req
68. Damn it.Copy !req
69. Look at that Grizzly Adams, huh?Copy !req
70. Look at how confident he is, how majestic.Copy !req
71. Lois, I'm going to grow a beard.Copy !req
72. Oh, Peter, you know I hate beards.Copy !req
73. No, no, Lois.Copy !req
74. It's time I joined the ranks
of great men with beards.Copy !req
75. Why do you think Jesus Christ
was so popular? Huh?Copy !req
76. 'Cause... 'Cause of all them magic tricks?Copy !req
77. Listen, Brian's very depressed.Copy !req
78. Could you and the guys take him with you
to the laser rock show tonight?Copy !req
79. Yeah, sure. If there's one thing
I'm good at doing,Copy !req
80. it's cheering people up.Copy !req
81. Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey,Copy !req
82. Jon-Benet's untimely death is a tragedy,Copy !req
83. and I will not rest
until I find her killer.Copy !req
84. Or killers.Copy !req
85. Oh, really, don't... Don't bother.Copy !req
86. Nothing's going to bring our baby back.Copy !req
87. No, no, no. I insist.Copy !req
88. I will make it my life's work
to find out...Copy !req
89. We're fine! Just drop it!Copy !req
90. The next laser rock show
will begin in 20 minutes.Copy !req
91. You hear that, Brian? A laser rock show!Copy !req
92. Come on. Cheer up, would you?Copy !req
93. Ah, I don't much feel like it.Copy !req
94. Binary code is the language of computers,Copy !req
95. in which words are translated
into sequences of zeros and ones.Copy !req
96. Anything at all
can be expressed in binary,Copy !req
97. as we demonstrate in this famous scene
from The Miracle Worker.Copy !req
98. Zero-one-one-zero. One-zero-zero-one.Copy !req
99. Zero-one-one-zero. One-zero-zero-one.Copy !req
100. Zero-one-one-zero. One-zero-zero-one.Copy !req
101. Zero-one! Zero-one!Copy !req
102. What? You don't think this is amazing?Copy !req
103. When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair,Copy !req
104. I nearly crapped my pants!Copy !req
105. All right! Virtual reality!Copy !req
106. Whoa! You guys got to try this!Copy !req
107. Hey, look at me!
I'm a pole in a strip club!Copy !req
108. - Oh! It's show time!Copy !req
109. Uh... Oh, no! Oh, no!Copy !req
110. Oh! Oh! Hey, stop!Copy !req
111. False alarm!Copy !req
112. Oh, my God! I'm... I'm flying!Copy !req
113. I'm flying!Copy !req
114. Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite.Copy !req
115. One is the loneliest numberCopy !req
116. That you'll ever doCopy !req
117. Two can be as bad as oneCopy !req
118. It's the loneliest number
since the number oneCopy !req
119. You are a filthy whore.Copy !req
120. Okay, Johnny Depp or Richard Grieco?Copy !req
121. - Oh, that's gross!
- Yeah. Let's not do this.Copy !req
122. Come on. If you're secure
in your masculinity,Copy !req
123. you can answer a simple hypothetical.Copy !req
124. All right, Johnny Depp,Copy !req
125. 'cause he kind of looks
like a chick, I guess.Copy !req
126. What about you, Peter?Copy !req
127. Oh, man. Uh... Uh, well, I don't know.Copy !req
128. Richard Grieco would probably
appreciate you more.Copy !req
129. You know, not take you for granted.Copy !req
130. I mean, with Johnny Depp, it's like...Copy !req
131. It's like he wouldn't really need you,
you know?Copy !req
132. He'd probably sneak out
after you fell asleep.Copy !req
133. Of course, with Johnny,
you'd get the financial security.Copy !req
134. I... I'd go with Johnny.Copy !req
135. - Oh, great.Copy !req
136. - Brian.
- Uh, hey, Joe. How's it going?Copy !req
137. Pretty good. You were doing
a little swerving back there.Copy !req
138. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know,
me and the boys were just, uh...Copy !req
139. Whoa! You're off the meter, Brian!Copy !req
140. - You're under arrest.
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
141. Move it!Copy !req
142. Are one of you guys all right to drive?Copy !req
143. Um, yeah. I can do it.Copy !req
144. Great. I'll meet you at the Drunken Clam.
We'll tie one on.Copy !req
145. I'm very disappointed in you.Copy !req
146. God! A DUI.Copy !req
147. I can't believe this.
I could actually go to jail.Copy !req
148. It's okay, Brian.Copy !req
149. You'll get through this DUI,
and you'll be a better person for it.Copy !req
150. Now, hold on a minute!Copy !req
151. Don't disguise his alcohol dependence
as a ticket to self-realization.Copy !req
152. Look, you're not one to talk, all right?Copy !req
153. You remember that time
I gave you apple juice,Copy !req
154. and told you it was wine?Copy !req
155. I think
you are a special person.Copy !req
156. - Thanks.
- No, now, come on.Copy !req
157. I'm... I'm being... I'm being serious.Copy !req
158. I'm going to be serious here for a second.Copy !req
159. Are you... Are you going to listen to me?Copy !req
160. Are you going to listen to me, so...Copy !req
161. - So I can tell you that I respect you?Copy !req
162. Now, Brian, I know
this is a bad time for you.Copy !req
163. And if I have any advice to give you,Copy !req
164. it is this... Grow a beard.Copy !req
165. Peter, I wish you'd shave that thing.Copy !req
166. - Beards are so ugly.
- Hey!Copy !req
167. Oh, relax, Wooly Willy.Copy !req
168. There's lots of fun things
you can do with that.Copy !req
169. - There we go.
- Thanks.Copy !req
170. On the charge of driving
under the influence,Copy !req
171. this court finds you guilty.Copy !req
172. - Yes! Good call!Copy !req
173. Churn the butter! Ooh, ooh!Copy !req
174. In lieu of jail time,Copy !req
175. I sentence you to 100 hours
of community service.Copy !req
176. Next item.Copy !req
177. Dearly beloved,Copy !req
178. we are gathered here to join these two
in holy matrimony.Copy !req
179. If anyone objects to this union,Copy !req
180. speak now or forever hold your peace.Copy !req
181. Quiet down. You had your chance.Copy !req
182. So, what do you have to do
for your community service?Copy !req
183. I got assigned
to the Outreach to the Elderly Program.Copy !req
184. I got to take care of some old womanCopy !req
185. who hasn't been out of her house
in 30 years.Copy !req
186. When I got caught at school
with my hand down my pants,Copy !req
187. I had to keep it there for a whole week.Copy !req
188. Ha! What a week!Copy !req
189. I guess taking care of this old woman
will be just like baby-sitting,Copy !req
190. only with bigger diapers.Copy !req
191. Aha! So they do make bigger diapers!Copy !req
192. That deceitful woman told me
I'd have to learn to use the toilet!Copy !req
193. Well, fie on the toilet!Copy !req
194. It's made slaves of you all.Copy !req
195. I've seen it sitting in there,Copy !req
196. lazy, slothful, porcelain layabout,Copy !req
197. feeding on other people's doo-doosCopy !req
198. while contributing nothing
of its own to society.Copy !req
199. You get a job!Copy !req
200. Uh, Pearl Burton?Copy !req
201. Uh, my name's Brian.Copy !req
202. I'm here from the Outreach
to the Elderly Program.Copy !req
203. You're late.Copy !req
204. Ah! What the hell is this?Copy !req
205. Delousing powder.Copy !req
206. Everyone on the outside is filthy.Copy !req
207. You could have given me some warning.Copy !req
208. Here's your warning.Copy !req
209. It's going to burn like hell
in 30 seconds.Copy !req
210. Now, I like my tea at 4:00
and my dinner at 6:00.Copy !req
211. And I take my bath at 7:00 sharp,Copy !req
212. so I can listen to Paul Harvey.Copy !req
213. You will warm up my bathwater
with quick bursts from the faucetCopy !req
214. during commercials only.Copy !req
215. It's gonna take you a while
to get the rhythm.Copy !req
216. Paul Harvey moves seamlessly
into commercials.Copy !req
217. By the way, it's been 30 seconds.Copy !req
218. Peter, stop scratching that thing.Copy !req
219. I can't. It's itching like crazy.Copy !req
220. Dad, can I scratch your beard?Copy !req
221. - Have you finished your homework?
- Yes.Copy !req
222. Okay, then.Copy !req
223. Brian, you've been awfully quiet.Copy !req
224. Is the community service
not going that well?Copy !req
225. Oh, Lois, it's horrible.Copy !req
226. I was cleaning her house all day.Copy !req
227. It's the worst job I've ever had.Copy !req
228. Well, except for one.Copy !req
229. Uh, excuse me.Copy !req
230. Would you like to taste
my smoked meat log?Copy !req
231. Here you go. Enjoy your food.Copy !req
232. Enjoy your studio apartment.Copy !req
233. Peter, you got a little something
right here.Copy !req
234. - Where? Here?
- No, no, no. Other side.Copy !req
235. - Over here?
- Left side, Peter.Copy !req
236. - Right here?
- Your other left side, Peter.Copy !req
237. - Up a little.
- Do I have it?Copy !req
238. - Is it gone? Is it gone?
- Up a little. Now go down.Copy !req
239. Oh, my God!Copy !req
240. Is it gone?Copy !req
241. Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off! Get it off!Copy !req
242. Hold still! Hold still!Copy !req
243. Wait! Don't touch that bird!Copy !req
244. What's it to you, pal?Copy !req
245. I'm Dr. Goodman of the Quahog
Ornithological Society,Copy !req
246. ironically dining in a restaurant
that exclusively serves poultry.Copy !req
247. Doctor, what is this?Copy !req
248. Oh, it's a very rare species,Copy !req
249. the endangered White-Rumped Swallow.Copy !req
250. Rump.Copy !req
251. This isn't funny, Chris!Copy !req
252. Swallow.Copy !req
253. Look, just get rid
of this bird, all right?Copy !req
254. Unfortunately, I can't do that.Copy !req
255. Once the swallow has chosen
its nesting place,Copy !req
256. it's illegal to disturb it.Copy !req
257. But he can't walk around
with a bird in his beard.Copy !req
258. I'm sorry. You have to wait
until the bird departs of its own accord,Copy !req
259. or you'll be prosecuted
to the full extent of the law.Copy !req
260. Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff.Copy !req
261. It's great to learn.Copy !req
262. 'Cause knowledge is power!Copy !req
263. What is this? Spit soup?Copy !req
264. Tomato bisque.Copy !req
265. What is this? Snot soup?Copy !req
266. Tomato bisque.Copy !req
267. What is this? Diarrhea soup?Copy !req
268. Look, I'm not making you anything else,
so just eat it, all right?Copy !req
269. Fine. Then I'll have to call the judge,
and that means you'll go to jail!Copy !req
270. You're one phone call awayCopy !req
271. from getting a human booster shot
from a guy named Molly.Copy !req
272. - Damn it all!Copy !req
273. - Sorry. Sorry.Copy !req
274. Hey, shut up!Copy !req
275. Keep it down!
We're trying to watch!Copy !req
276. - There's nothing I can do, all right?Copy !req
277. Take it outside, pal!
Ever heard of a sitter?Copy !req
278. Look, it's an endangered species!Copy !req
279. What am I supposed to do?Copy !req
280. I'll make you
an endangered species!Copy !req
281. Oh, oh, good comeback, Potsie!Copy !req
282. - I'll kick your ass, that's what I'll do!Copy !req
283. Look, everybody just shut up!Copy !req
284. He has stopped squawking.Copy !req
285. He's receded into my beard.Copy !req
286. We can all watch the movie! Shut up!Copy !req
287. Eric, if you're in here,Copy !req
288. we're all going to Marty's
after the movie.Copy !req
289. Oh, I love you so much.Copy !req
290. I love you, too, honey.Copy !req
291. - What's wrong?Copy !req
292. That's it! You're history, pal!Copy !req
293. No bird Frenches my wife
and gets away with it!Copy !req
294. Help! Help! I've broken my hip!Copy !req
295. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
296. Brian!Copy !req
297. 5.3 seconds.Copy !req
298. I could have been dead by now!Copy !req
299. What, you mean you're not really...Copy !req
300. I heard you drop that lightbulb, too.Copy !req
301. That'll be 67 cents.Copy !req
302. Now, go warm me up
some of that diarrhea soup!Copy !req
303. That's it! I have had it with you,
you old hag!Copy !req
304. You're just a miserable,
dried-up shut-in,Copy !req
305. trying to make everyone else
feel as bad as you do.Copy !req
306. Why don't you do the world
a big favor and drop dead!Copy !req
307. Uh, this last one won't open.Copy !req
308. You got to jiggle it a little bit.Copy !req
309. - Like... Like this?
- Nah, here, let me get it.Copy !req
310. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
311. And, uh... And, you know, drop dead.Copy !req
312. Get out of my beard,
you squawking bastard!Copy !req
313. Nothing.Copy !req
314. Well, I was hoping
it wouldn't come to this.Copy !req
315. Oh, my God! Peter, no!Copy !req
316. Lois, the bird must die!Copy !req
317. It's gone! It's gone! Oh, thank God!Copy !req
318. - Peter, what's that sound?Copy !req
319. Oh, my God, they're babies.Copy !req
320. Hey, look, Lois. There are three of them,
just like ours.Copy !req
321. And, uh...Copy !req
322. Um...Copy !req
323. Sweet!Copy !req
324. We now return
to E!'s Mysteries and Scandals.Copy !req
325. "Pearl Burton, the Jingle Queen."Copy !req
326. Pearl?Copy !req
327. I'm AJ Benza.Copy !req
328. You won't find Pearl Burton's name
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame,Copy !req
329. yet from 1945 to 1960,Copy !req
330. you couldn't turn on a radio or televisionCopy !req
331. without hearing one
of her trademark jingles.Copy !req
332. You're only healthy when you're tanCopy !req
333. So soak up all the sun you canCopy !req
334. With copper Coppertone!Copy !req
335. At her peak,
Pearl Burton earned 26 grand a year,Copy !req
336. which by today's standards,
would be just under $49 billion.Copy !req
337. Brian, she's beautiful.Copy !req
338. Yeah, and that voice. I... I had no idea.Copy !req
339. In 1961, Pearl used
an appearance at Carnegie HallCopy !req
340. to make the leap
from jingle singer to artist.Copy !req
341. That's "Habanera" from Carmen.Copy !req
342. I've never heard it sung so beautifully.Copy !req
343. Sing Coppertone!Copy !req
344. - Yeah, Coppertone!
- Do Doan's Pills!Copy !req
345. Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder!Copy !req
346. No one has seen Pearl BurtonCopy !req
347. since that fateful night
over 30 years ago.Copy !req
348. She's presumed dead.Copy !req
349. My God. And I said
all those awful things to her.Copy !req
350. Pearl!Copy !req
351. Come on, Pearl, don't do this!Copy !req
352. You should be happy.Copy !req
353. I'm taking your advice
and doing the world a big favor.Copy !req
354. Now, move!
Your fur is making my feet sweat.Copy !req
355. Pearl, listen to me. I heard you sing.Copy !req
356. It was the most beautiful sound
I've ever heard in my life.Copy !req
357. Oh, sure, warbling for Vicks VapoRub
and Dippity Do.Copy !req
358. No, no, Pearl, I mean...Copy !req
359. Oh, stop trying to talk me out of it.Copy !req
360. I'm a pathetic sellout.Copy !req
361. No one who sings Carmen like you
is pathetic.Copy !req
362. - What?
- I heard you sing "Habanera."Copy !req
363. You were sublime.Copy !req
364. You... You liked my aria?Copy !req
365. I was overwhelmed.Copy !req
366. You're the first person
who ever complimented my "Habanera."Copy !req
367. Thank you.Copy !req
368. Well, I'd, uh... I'd better get going.Copy !req
369. I'll, uh... I'll see you tomorrow.Copy !req
370. But you're not scheduled tomorrow.Copy !req
371. I know.Copy !req
372. "And then the cow came out of the barn."Copy !req
373. See? See? Look... There's the cow.Copy !req
374. Now, what does a cow say?Copy !req
375. - Yes, yes, that's right.Copy !req
376. A cow says peep, peep, peep, peep.Copy !req
377. You know, Peter,
they're getting awfully big.Copy !req
378. - So?
- So, every good mother knowsCopy !req
379. when it's time for her babies
to leave the nest.Copy !req
380. Hey, they're free to go
any time they want.Copy !req
381. Fine, I'll let them go.Copy !req
382. Pearl, do you rent or own?Copy !req
383. - Own what?
- Those wings, you angel.Copy !req
384. That was fantastic.Copy !req
385. That was so incredible!Copy !req
386. So, what do you want for dinner?Copy !req
387. I was thinking about making us
that lamb and rice you love.Copy !req
388. You know, Pearl,
what I'd really like for dinnerCopy !req
389. is, uh, to go out.Copy !req
390. Brian, you know I can't do that.Copy !req
391. I haven't left this house
in such a long time.Copy !req
392. I'm afraid.Copy !req
393. I know, but I'll be with you.Copy !req
394. I don't know...Copy !req
395. Come on, Pearl, there's so much
you've missed in the last 30 years.Copy !req
396. In fact, allow me to fill you in.Copy !req
397. The 60s brought the hippie breedCopy !req
398. And decades later
Things have changed indeedCopy !req
399. We lost the values
but we kept the weedCopy !req
400. You've got a lot to seeCopy !req
401. The Reagan years
have laid the frameCopy !req
402. For movie stars
to play the White House gameCopy !req
403. We're not too far
from voting Feldman-HaimCopy !req
404. You've got a lot to seeCopy !req
405. The town of Vegas
has got a different faceCopy !req
406. 'Cause it's a family place
with lots to doCopy !req
407. Where in the '50sCopy !req
408. A man could mingle with scores
of all the seediest whoresCopy !req
409. Well, now his children can, too!Copy !req
410. You heard it from
the canine's mouthCopy !req
411. The country's changed
That is, except the SouthCopy !req
412. And you'll agreeCopy !req
413. No one really knows
my dear lady friendCopy !req
414. Just quite how it all will endCopy !req
415. So hurry, 'cause you've got
a lot to seeCopy !req
416. The baldness gene
was cause for dreadCopy !req
417. But that's a fear
that you can put to bedCopy !req
418. They'll shave your ass
and glue it on your headCopy !req
419. You've got a lot to seeCopy !req
420. The PC age
has moved the barCopy !req
421. A word like "redneck"
is a step too farCopy !req
422. The proper term is
"country music star"Copy !req
423. You've got a lot to seeCopy !req
424. Our flashy cell phonesCopy !req
425. Make people mumble, "Gee whiz
Look how important he isCopy !req
426. "His life must rule!"Copy !req
427. You'll get a tumorCopy !req
428. But on your surgery day
The doc will see it and sayCopy !req
429. "Wow, you must really be cool"Copy !req
430. There's lots of things
you may have missedCopy !req
431. Like Peewee and his famous wristCopy !req
432. Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eyeCopy !req
433. That awesome Thundercats cartoonCopy !req
434. Neil Armstrong landing on the moonCopy !req
435. Neil Armstrong?
Wait, was he the trumpet guy?Copy !req
436. So, let's go see the USACopy !req
437. They'll treat you right
Unless you're black or gayCopy !req
438. Or CherokeeCopy !req
439. But you can forgive
the world and its flawsCopy !req
440. And follow me there, because...Copy !req
441. You've still got a hell of a lotCopy !req
442. To seeCopy !req
443. You've got a lot to see!Copy !req
444. Brian, I've missed so much!Copy !req
445. I wouldn't be standing here right now
if it wasn't for you!Copy !req
446. She's right in here, sir.Copy !req
447. Just tell the disorderly
when you're ready to leave.Copy !req
448. Uh, don't you mean the orderly?Copy !req
449. No, I mean the disorderly.Copy !req
450. That's a little doctor joke
we like to make around here.Copy !req
451. We also like Kevin Pollak.Copy !req
452. - Oh, my God, Pearl...Copy !req
453. Brian, I don't have much time.Copy !req
454. God, I never should've made you
leave the house.Copy !req
455. This is all my fault.Copy !req
456. Don't be so hard on yourself.Copy !req
457. Aside from the truck part,Copy !req
458. this was the best day of my life.Copy !req
459. I only wish we could have
a little more time together.Copy !req
460. We can.Copy !req
461. Goodbye, kids.Copy !req
462. Goodbye, Pearl.Copy !req
463. Hey! Who wants to see a dead body?Copy !req
464. Rough week, eh?Copy !req
465. I've seen better.Copy !req
466. Hey, Brian, looks like somebody's
checking you out.Copy !req
467. No, I'm... I'm not ready yet.Copy !req
468. Hey, you're getting some looks yourself.Copy !req
469. Eh, I... I'm not ready, either.Copy !req