Family Guy 3x16

Directed by Pete Michels • Brian Hogan

Ace Frehley as Ace Frehley (voice) • Paul Stanley as Paul Stanley (voice) • Wally Wingert as (voice) • Gene Simmons as Gene Simmons (voice) • Patrick Warburton as Joe Swanson (voice) • Wally Wingert as Man (voice)

Christmas comes to Quahog! While Lois attempt to make the holidays perfect for the Griffin family, Peter messes it up. Meanwhile, Stewie learns of Santa Claus’ ability to keep 24-hour surveillance on all the world’s children.

Request examples:

!req Family Guy 3x16 [02:32]
!req Family Guy 3x16 [Family Guy 3x16]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Family Guy 3x16 [10-11]; !req Family Guy 3x16 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. It seems today that all you see

2. Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3. But where are those good old-fashioned values

4. On which we used to rely?

5. Lucky there's a family guy

6. Lucky there's a man who positively can do

7. All the things that make us

8. Laugh and cry!

9. He's a family guy!

10. Merry Christmas, dude.

11. Don't put it in your nose.

12. It burns like hell.

13. Merry Christmas, everybody.

14. As president of the Quahog Chamber of Commerce,

15. I'd like to thank the senior center for decorating our tree.

16. Oh, broke my hip.

17. Look, honey, there's the manger for the Christmas pageant.

18. You're going to make the cutest baby Jesus ever.

19. So, you want to dress me up

20. and trot me about like a circus poodle, hmm?

21. Well, let me consult my agent, Mr. Irving R. Pointy-Stick!

22. Oh, Stewie.

23. No sweets before dinner.

24. Mom, I'm freezing. Can we go home?

25. In a minute.

26. Would you just look at this beautiful tree?

27. Every year, I look up at that star,

28. and I think of all the joy and wonder that Christmas promises.

29. And that miracle that occurred on that silent winter's night.

30. Hey, I'm on vacation!

31. Happy birthday, Jesus!

32. Seven maids a-milkin'

33. Six maids a-milkin'

34. Five maids a-milk...

35. Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.

36. Uh, well, it's a little warm in here.

37. "Don we now our gay apparel."

38. Doesn't get much gayer than this.

39. Peter, tomorrow's Christmas Eve,

40. and you still haven't gotten us a tree.

41. Lois, I told you I'm on dips o' luscious vacation.

42. What part of that don't you understand?

43. Come on, honey.

44. It's the only thing I've asked you to do. Please?

45. Brian, tape this for me.

46. Sorry, the VCR hasn't worked

47. since you tried to tape Monday night football.

48. Do you have the express written consent of ABC Sports,

49. and the National Football League?

50. Just ABC.

51. Well, if you get us a tree,

52. I'll make sure Santa brings you a new VCR.

53. Please?

54. Ah, crap.

55. How come I... Commercial!

56. Hey, Mom, I got something to add to my Christmas list.

57. A pair of those jeweled bug barrettes.

58. Not costume, real.

59. Maybe you should write that down?

60. Honey, Santa got all his shopping done before the rush.

61. I think you'll be very happy.

62. I just want peace on Earth.

63. That's better than being selfish like Meg, right?

64. So I should get more than her.

65. Here's a tree... Merry Christmas to all!

66. And to all, shut the hell up.

67. Ah-ah-ah! Before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for eggnog.

68. Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died?

69. Peter, I'm not going to lie about something like that.

70. All right, all right, I'll kill your mother.

71. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?

72. So, uh, you guys know that Rudolph is on, right?

73. Peter!

74. Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house, Lois.

75. Oh, yeah, it's perfect

76. for all the happy, active gingerbread men...

77. Except for the one with no legs!

78. Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare.

79. "How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?"

80. Well, I got news for you, Becky...

81. Not so well!

82. Joe, you promised.

83. It's Christmas.

84. Uh, Joe had his accident at Christmastime.

85. Deck the balls on Uncle Charlie...

86. Yes! Time to go a-wassailing.

87. Hey, Peter!

88. Hi, I'm Prancer.

89. Hey, why don't you take Joe along?

90. Yeah, Lois, that'll be about as much fun

91. as a lecture on ontological empiricism.

92. - What? - What?

93. Honey, he could use some Christmas spirit.

94. For me? Please?

95. All right, all right.

96. But you owe me.

97. Later, under the mistletoe.

98. Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.

99. Peter, the gifts are hidden in the trunk.

100. Don't forget to drop off the one for "toys for toddlers."

101. All right, all right.

102. Somebody give me a beer.

103. Heads up!

104. Uh, Peter, one of us has to be the designated driver,

105. And I've already had four eggnogs,

106. so I guess you're it.

107. That's a good one, Joe.

108. Way to get into the spirit.

109. I'm a cop first and a buddy second,

110. so don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer!

111. All right! Let's wassail!

112. Stewie, honey, time for bed.

113. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus.

114. Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water,

115. I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake,

116. and hold your head under until the bubbles stopped!

117. Ooh, someone's being naughty, not nice.

118. You know Santa's watching you.

119. What the devil do you mean, "watching"?

120. Well, honey, Santa's "making a list and checking it twice."

121. "He sees you when you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake."

122. I almost caught him last year.

123. But he's magic.

124. Constant surveillance of every child on earth...

125. Impossible!

126. Unless...

127. Hidden cameras.

128. Oh, very clever!

129. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you?

130. Then check this twice!

131. Rock the boat!

132. Don't rock the boat, baby

133. Rock the boat!

134. Don't tip the boat over

135. Rock the boat!

136. Don't rock the boat, baby

137. Rock the boat!

138. Rock on!

139. Hey, hey, guys, check me out.

140. Whoa!

141. Whoa!

142. - Whoa!

143. Whoa!

144. Oh, no!

145. Oh, no!

146. I've broken my legs!

147. That's about as funny as Sinbad.

148. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor.

149. But, then again, he was never meant to be funny.

150. Now, come on, I got to go to freakin' "Toys for Toddlers."

151. Sounds like somebody's got a "humbug" up his butt.

152. Hey, maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, eh?

153. Oh, thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all.

154. It tasted like...

155. Oh, you guys are asses.

156. I knew you were awake.

157. You.

158. Now, Stewie, you are in my power.

159. No, damn you!

160. Damn you, let me go!

161. Good, Melvin.

162. Nice work, Woodrow.

163. Excellent, Stewie.

164. Oh, it's just a dream.

165. I needn't fear this Santa.

166. If he were truly omnipotent,

167. he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself!

168. See?

169. I'm just barking in the dark.

170. No one here but me.

171. All right, where is it?

172. Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus!

173. Stewie, go to sleep.

174. This doesn't involve you, Lois!

175. I don't want to have to come in there.

176. I don't want to have to come in there!

177. Shh! Dad's awake.

178. Don't bother whispering, I don't have a hangover.

179. It's a Christmas miracle.

180. Shouldn't you have your sweater on?

181. That's for letting Joe join in your reindeer games.

182. Now, you go relax,

183. while I make my little Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes.

184. If I'm sleeping, stuff them in my mouth and rub my throat.

185. Just one more thing...

186. Lois!

187. I need you to take the presents out of the trunk.

188. Aren't you going to do it?

189. It's already done.

190. I dropped them all off at "Toys for Toddlers" last night.

191. All?

192. Peter, only one gift was for charity.

193. The rest were for the family.

194. No, the rest were from the family.

195. Weren't... Weren't they?

196. Aw, crap.

197. Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?

198. I think they had a meeting about it last night.

199. Why wasn't I told?

200. They sent you a card, but it said "For Peter" on it,

201. so you must've thought it was "from" you,

202. so you didn't, uh...

203. You know, it's just easier to call you "stupid."

204. You're really going to take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve

205. Yep. Now, here's the plan...

206. You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here.

207. Now, there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches above the floor,

208. So, you'll have to compress your body

209. to the size of an ordinary household sponge

210. and slide underneath

211. like some kind of weird, amphibious dolphin.

212. Can I buy some pot from you?

213. What you want?

214. So, you understand all these gifts are supposed to be for my family.

215. It was just some crazy mix-up.

216. Kill 'em.

217. No, no, no, it's true!

218. See, that remote control car was for my son and...

219. And those barrettes were for my daughter,

220. and, uh... Hey, where's my VCR?

221. Dang it, Buck, it's my turn to use the sex box.

222. It's my sex box...

223. And her name is "Sony."

224. You gave away all the presents?

225. Lois, if you strike me down,

226. I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

227. Peter, you brought glad tidings to a family less fortunate than your own.

228. You mean you're not mad?

229. Well, I am a little irritated that I have to do all the shopping again,

230. but at least some good came out of it.

231. So, I can drink beer and watch tv?

232. 'Cause, you know, Kiss Saves Santa is on.

233. But, Mrs. Claus, who would kidnap Santa?

234. Well, Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out.

235. Someone stole Santa?

236. That does not rock!

237. Easy, Gene.

238. Guys, let's go save Christmas.

239. To the kiss copter!

240. - Yay! - Yay!

241. You can watch all the TV you want...

242. Just as soon as we get back from the mall.

243. The mall? On Christmas Eve?

244. Peter, I just want this family to have a perfect Christmas,

245. and I need a little help, okay?

246. Brian, my turkey's in the oven. Can you turn it off at 3:00?

247. No problem.

248. We'll shop, come home, eat,

249. and then it's off to the pageant

250. to see our little Stewie play baby Jesus.

251. Oh, yes, yes, by all means turn me into a child star.

252. Perhaps I can move to "Californ-eye-ay,"

253. and wrangle me a threeway with the Olsen twins.

254. There's a spot!

255. Aw, screw this.

256. Okay, Peter, we'll each take half the list to save time.

257. Kids, why don't you take Stewie to see Santa?

258. Santa?

259. Oh, it's not possible!

260. Sitting alone in this public setting?

261. No bulletproof glass?

262. Claus, you make it too easy.

263. Change me. I've leaked through my ski pants,

264. and I won't face him wet!

265. We now return to Bob Hope's Christmas with the Troops.

266. Hey, it's good to see you union boys.

267. I would've been here sooner,

268. but Lincoln gave me the wrong Gettysburg address.

269. And how about this having to sit still for 60 seconds

270. to have your picture taken? How about that?

271. Aw, sweet!

272. It's Kiss Saves Santa.

273. Hang on, Santa! We're coming.

274. Hurry, boys! The eggs are hatching!

275. What do we do?

276. Wait a second...

277. Everyone knows pterodactyls can't stand the screech of a guitar!

278. It's working!

279. Hey, Santa, be careful!

280. Oh, no! Careful, Santa!

281. Hang on, Santa!

282. Hey, I was watching that! Hey!

283. It'll be on next Christmas.

284. Well, who the hell knows when that's going to be?

285. Ah!

286. If I was an oven mitt...

287. Damn it, Peter!

288. Ho, ho, ho.

289. And what can I bring you this year?

290. Oh, a peace offering, is it?

291. Very well.

292. What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers

293. and bring me some plutonium?

294. Well, can you be a good boy?

295. Hmm, your inquiry intrigues me.

296. Can any of us be a good boy?

297. Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?

298. Okay, wrap it up, kid.

299. All right, Kringle.

300. If the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted.

301. I will be...

302. Nice.

303. Good boy. Now, smile for the camera.

304. Yes, yes, smile!

305. Like a good boy.

306. Ah...

307. Aha!

308. Meg's barrettes.

309. You mean Julie's barrettes!

310. You still want them, you bony old blue hair?

311. Ow, ow! Titty twister!

312. Ow, hurts!

313. Hey!

314. Aha!

315. All the clownfish and yellow tangs in the world can't help you now.

316. That's it?

317. Fish food?

318. That's your ace in the hole?

319. Ow, ow... Ow, ow, ow!

320. Turkey!

321. Oh, Lois, it was horrible.

322. The fish were jumping all over my eyes and in my nose,

323. and on the way out, I think one of them muttered something anti-semitic.

324. We're almost home, honey.

325. Oh, look!

326. There's the star on the town Christmas tree.

327. We're following it home.

328. Just like the three wise men.

329. So, what'd you get him?

330. Gold.

331. Gold?

332. Ah, I thought we agreed on a $5 limit, here.

333. Yeah, I just got him a crappy little bottle of myrrh.

334. Hello! Frankincense.

335. You always do this.

336. Okay, okay, okay, look.

337. We'll put everything together and put all our names on it.

338. No! That is so cheap.

339. Oh, my God.

340. Brian, are you okay?

341. I told you we should have left cookies for Santa.

342. My couch, my TV!

343. - What the hell did you do? - Me?

344. Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?

345. I'll tell you who.

346. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy

347. to put his whole family at serious risk.

348. Boys, please!

349. It's Christmas Eve.

350. This is a night for magic and wonder and joy.

351. Okay, so a couple of things have gone wrong,

352. but we can still have a great Christmas!

353. Ah, jeez, kids.

354. I was this close to losing it, but your mom's right.

355. Well, sure I am.

356. Meg, honey, get me some paper towels.

357. Let's lose the bad tidings,

358. clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer.

359. Yeah, all right, yeah.

360. We're out of paper towels.

361. No... Paper... Towels!

362. Hey, I was going to pick at that.

363. Shut your fat mouth!

364. You all think Christmas just happens.

365. You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky!

366. Well, it doesn't!

367. It falls out of my holly jolly butt!

368. So, you can cook your own damn turkey,

369. wrap your own damn presents,

370. and hey, while you're at it,

371. you can all ride a one-horse open sleigh to hell!

372. Oh, here's the paper towels.

373. I... I changed my mind.

374. Clarence, I want to live again. I want to live again.

375. - Whoa!

376. Hey!

377. I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat.

378. Merry Christmas!

379. Easy, lady! You want some of this?

380. Ah!

381. What the hell is her problem?

382. Frosty, let it go!

383. Just a second, just a second.

384. Hey, lady, you got something to say to me?

385. Yeah, all he did was wish you a merry Christmas.

386. Wish?

387. It's easy to wish,

388. but does anyone take responsibility and make it happen?

389. No!

390. You all expect someone else to do it for you.

391. Like Santy Claus or mommy!

392. Ah, ah, ah! What the...

393. Ah, take it off!

394. Take it off!

395. Must... Kill... Star.

396. Dad, what happened to mom?

397. What if she never comes back?

398. I... I think the bigger question

399. is if this is the way she's going to act at Christmas,

400. do we even want her back?

401. All right, which is better?

402. Around the waist or off the shoulder?

403. Waist? Shoulder?

404. Waist? Shoulder?

405. Stewie, I thought you didn't want to be in the pageant.

406. Oh, Megan!

407. Santa would think it terribly naughty of me

408. not to fulfill my obligation to mother.

409. You know how much the pageant means to her.

410. Where do you think she is?

411. Well, thank God,

412. years ago I planted a homing device

413. in your mother's skull for just such an occasion.

414. I forgot, I also put them in a bunch of squirrels.

415. This isn't going to do us any good.

416. May as well see if she's at the pageant.

417. You... You lied to me.

418. Oh, my God! There's mom!

419. Hi, Lois! Hey, do we look like ants down here?

420. - Bite me!

421. Peter, great time last night.

422. Don't worry. We'll get Lois down.

423. Locked and loaded, sir.

424. Wait! You can't shoot my mom.

425. Don't worry, kid. It's just a mild sedative.

426. Go!

427. Wait, wait, hang on.

428. Look, Lois is only up there,

429. because we sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her.

430. Maybe if she sees the pageant, it'll bring her around.

431. Give her a chance, huh?

432. Trust him, Joe.

433. This man has seen every Christmas special ever made.

434. Are you wearing a girl's sweater?

435. Does that really matter right now?

436. You got ten minutes.

437. Lights, please.

438. As we all know,

439. Christmas is that mystical time of year

440. when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave

441. to feed on the flesh of the living.

442. So, we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.

443. Outrageous!

444. How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something.

445. Bob, there's nothing you can do.

446. Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

447. I am the Virgin Mary.

448. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

449. Oh, our savior has arrived.

450. Good evening.

451. I'm playing the role of Jesus,

452. a man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter.

453. You may remember him as the actor

454. who was replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek.

455. Apparently, Mr. Hunter was good enough to die for our sins,

456. but not quite up to the task of seducing green women.

457. Anyhoo...

458. The perennial dictum is to spread goodwill towards all men.

459. The irony, of course, is that this is contrary to our nature.

460. So, why do we do it?

461. Because we are being watched.

462. And so, we unselfishly think of others,

463. assured that our good behavior will be rewarded

464. with love and plutonium.

465. Yeah, she's not getting it.

466. Okay, boys, take her down.

467. Merry Christmas, buddy.

468. Huh, wonder what this could be.

469. Oh.

470. This Christmas rocks!

471. Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts.

472. Mom?

473. Ah, it's okay, Meg.

474. Your mom's just full of Christmas cheer

475. and enough tranquilizer to bring down a bull elephant.

476. Uh, honey, you got a little something.

477. You got a little...

478. Uh... I'll get it.

479. Hungry, hungry hippos?

480. Claus, you porcine double-crosser.

481. And to think, I was nice!

482. You got another one, dude.

483. Plutonium!

484. He is real.

485. He's really, really real!

486. So, Peter, did you get everything you wanted for Christmas?

487. You bet! A week's vacation, a new VCR,

488. and best of all, my own copy of Kiss Saves Santa.

489. You just practice that guitar, Santa.

490. Next time, we'll let youdo a solo.

491. Don't encourage him!

492. From all of us at Family Guy...

493. We wish you Christmas joy.

494. May all your wishes now come true...

495. For every girl and boy.

496. We hope your freakin' holidays are filled with fun and cheer.

497. So, have a merry Christmas and...