Family Guy 3x1

Directed by Glen Hill

June Foray as Rocket J. Squirrel (voice) • Haley Joel Osment as Kid in bathroom (voice) • Leif Garrett as Self (voice) • Thomas Dekker as Kid in bathroom (voice) • Carlos Alazraqui as Mr. Jonathan Weed (voice) • Haley Joel Osment as Kid in Bathroom (voice) • Leif Garrett as Leif Garrett (voice) • Carlos Alazraqui as Jonathan Weed (voice)

Brian's keen sense of smell gets him a job with the police department.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It seems todaythat all you see

2. Is violence in movies and sex on tv

3. But where are those good old-fashioned values

4. On which we used to rely?

5. Lucky there's a family guy

6. Lucky there's a man who positively can do

7. All the things that make us

8. Laugh and cry

9. He's a family guy

10. I'm in a rut.

11. Nothing thrills me anymore.

12. I mean, I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning.

13. Really.

14. You want to know how pathetic my life is?

15. I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garrett 18 times.

16. Hey, uh... Hey, Leif.

17. It's been a while.

18. Too long, man.

19. I'm so sorry about everything, man.

20. - I'm so... Ready for a bombshell?

21. You saved my life that night.

22. But I was driving. I...

23. I was on a road to destruction, man.

24. The accident may have crippled me, but I'm alive, aren't I?

25. Ca... Can we turn off the cameras, dude?

26. It's like I'm...

27. I don't know, trapped in my own life.

28. Well, Brian, you may be too inwardly focused.

29. Try thinking about the needs of others for a change.

30. Why don't you do some volunteer work?

31. Oh, that makes sense. Volunteer work.

32. Thanks, Bruce.

33. You still have 13 more minutes.

34. Oh, do I? Hmm.

35. I, uh, I notice you got a new receptionist.

36. Nice little body on her, huh?

37. That's my daughter.

38. Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?

39. Attention, everyone.

40. Due to several complaints

41. and the two deaths related to worker fatigue,

42. I have decided to throw a company picnic this Saturday.

43. Hey, Derek, how you getting to the picnic?

44. I don't know. I don't have a ride.

45. Hey, John, you got a two-seater, don't you?

46. Hey, Derek, maybe you go with John, huh? Huh?

47. For the last time, I'm not gay.

48. Thanks anyway, Peter.

49. Hey, we'll get him.

50. Here, right this way.

51. Watch your step.

52. Okay, they're... They're in the woods.

53. The camera keeps on moving.

54. Uh, I think they're looking for some witch or something.

55. I don't know, I wasn't listening.

56. Nothing's happening.

57. Nothing's happening.

58. Something about a map.

59. Nothing's happening.

60. It's over.

61. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.

62. Now, remember, Chris, we have to work together

63. so that our steps...

64. Aw, this is my favorite event.

65. Catch the greased-up deaf guy.

66. Go!

67. You're never gonna catch me!

68. You're wasting your time.

69. Forget about it.

70. Go do something else.

71. See you next year!

72. King me.

73. I don't want to play anymore.

74. The pain.

75. I can't live like this, Brian.

76. I need you to pull the plug.

77. Well, I... I... I can't! I...

78. Be my angel and set me free.

79. Please?

80. Oh, my god!

81. You were really going to do it!

82. I... But... You...

83. Nurse! This dog is trying to kill me!

84. Nurse!

85. You are twisted, lady. You hear me?

86. You are screwed up in the head.

87. The winner of our final contest

88. will receive a very special prize.

89. A week's paid vacation.

90. Did you hear that?

91. Oh, god, please let it be farting.

92. Please let it be a fart contest.

93. These are tranquilizer darts.

94. I have enough here to take down Robert Downey, Jr.

95. Yes, well... The last one left standing wins.

96. Let the game begin!

97. All right! Whoo!

98. All right, Peter!

99. Look at him, he runs like a Welshman.

100. Doesn't he?

101. Doesn't he run like a Welshman?

102. - Hey, there, Brian. - Hi, Joe.

103. Hey, Bonnie making chicken marsala tonight?

104. No. She made that three nights ago.

105. Wow, that's some nose you've got.

106. Yeah, one time it almost got me a spokesman deal.

107. "Follow your nose.

108. "Follow your nose.

109. Follow your nose."

110. Oh, I'm sorry.

111. No, that was good.

112. I just, I didn't think you were going to go so cartoony with it.

113. Well, how would you read it?

114. Oh, I don't know.

115. I was thinking of doing it,

116. you know, good, like an actor.

117. But, you know, your way is good, too.

118. You know, we could use a nose like that down at the precinct.

119. Really?

120. I guess it's just down to you and me, Peter.

121. One of us is going to win that paid vacation.

122. But I don't want to feed grandma bacon

123. while she's in the bathtub.

124. Peter, are you okay?

125. Mr. Weed, I think Peter needs a doc... Ooh!

126. We have a winner.

127. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

128. No drugs. She's good. He's clean.

129. Well, looks like that's it, except for the flight crew.

130. Hey, hey, Brian.

131. What's with the Johnny Law routine?

132. Say hello to our newest narc.

133. He's a natural.

134. Oh, yeah? How-how good are you?

135. You're back from Manila.

136. You had lumpia for dinner.

137. Then you made love to two Filipino women.

138. And a man.

139. You mean three Filipino women.

140. No!

141. Wait a second. Got something!

142. This could be the real deal, boys.

143. Let's do it!

144. Don't move, dirtbag!

145. It's coke!

146. Yes! All right!

147. We got him! This is great!

148. Ah, this is the rush I been looking for.

149. Good work, Brian.

150. Uh, you still got a little, uh...

151. Oh! Oh, thanks.

152. So, Peter, where should we go for your week off?

153. Well, I was thinking we could all go to purgatory

154. like we did last year.

155. This isn't bad.

156. It's not that good, but it's not that bad.

157. It's so-so.

158. Eh, more or less.

159. Hey, hey, Brian.

160. If cops are pigs

161. does that make you a snausage?

162. Clever, Peter.

163. Did you stay up all night writing that?

164. No, I got to bed around 2:00, 2:30.

165. You know what Joe said the street value of that cocaine would've been?

166. Uh, let's see, 4.5 kilos uncut Nicaraguan.

167. Uh, $1.7 mill? That area?

168. Uh, yeah.

169. That's... That's... That's right.

170. You guys! Brian's famous!

171. You're a hero! Way to go, pal.

172. Oh, come on. Stop it, you guys. It's nothing, really.

173. Oh, Lois, your toast is ready.

174. Wow.

175. - Oh, my! - Well!

176. Uh, Meg's using a new conditioner.

177. He's right!

178. How do you like that?

179. That's amazing.

180. And it's time to change Stewie.

181. Well, that's preposterous.

182. I haven't... Oh, there it is.

183. - Hooray! - All right.

184. Stop the car!

185. Over there.

186. Everybody freeze! This is a bust!

187. Uh, Brian, this is a Sunday school class.

188. The hell it is.

189. Pure Bogota Bullion.

190. This is a drug ring.

191. But these are just kids.

192. - Oh, yeah? What's your name? Ricky.

193. They're not kids, they're midgets.

194. Filthy drug-peddling midgets.

195. Oh, my God!

196. Look out, Brian!

197. Nice work, rookie.

198. You're a credit to the force.

199. Additional generic cop compliment, Brian.

200. Ha! Thanks.

201. But the real hero here is God

202. for blessing me with this nose,

203. and a few other equally amazing appendages.

204. Well, I better take this cocaine down to evidence.

205. Oh, uh, hey, I'll do that.

206. Uh, I'll catch up with you guys at the pub.

207. So it's settled.

208. We're taking a cruise to the Bahamas.

209. Aw, this is gonna be great. Cruises are the best.

210. And look, it says we have our choice of cabins.

211. Port or starboard.

212. Ha! Listen to me.

213. I sound like an old salt.

214. Yes, though, I must say

215. I've always dreamed of a life at sea.

216. I'm the greatest captain of the Queen's navy

217. And your record will stand as proof

218. Be it galleon or freighter I'm an expert navigator

219. And you're also a world-class poof

220. My manner, quite effete, is mistaken on the street

221. For a sailor who can pirouette on cue

222. Well, despite your point of view

223. I can thrill a girl or two

224. But I'd rather get it on with you

225. Ha, ha, ha!

226. Sorry to be tardy to the party.

227. Wow, Brian, have you lost weight?

228. You've got to tell me your secret.

229. Here's a hint. Put down the fork!

230. Face!

231. So, how was your day?

232. My day? Un-freakin'-believable.

233. First, we nailed this bastard

234. who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll.

235. Her doll, for god's sake!

236. Oh, where's the line anymore?

237. Well, I got news for you.

238. It's not even on the radar screen!

239. The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey.

240. Bam! Freakin' evaporated

241. like a dingy, stinkin' mud puddle.

242. One day, you see your reflection in it

243. and the next day, it's, uh, a...

244. It's, uh, it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway,

245. staring back at you, mocking you,

246. "Blah, blah, blah!"

247. Knowing the perverted truth

248. would rot in the pit of your soul.

249. That's how my freakin' day was.

250. You know what I haven't had in a while?

251. Big league chew.

252. So, take it from me, McGriffin, the drug dog,

253. if you really want to get high, it's as easy as being yourself.

254. Well, kids, I'm going to pass things off now to

255. Gerald, the happy and abstinent police clown.

256. Hey, kids, you know why I'm happy?

257. 'Cause I'm free of S

258. T

259. Ds."

260. That McGriffin guy was so cool.

261. Totally. I'm never doing drugs now.

262. Got milk?

263. Now, Chris, before you go on a cruise,

264. you got to build up a base tan.

265. But, Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds,

266. you can get something called melanoma.

267. Oh, that's just fancy talk for "sexified." climb in.

268. Hey, what kind of tanning booth is this?

269. Can't you read? Those aren't tanning booths.

270. That whole row is time machines.

271. Aw, crap, where the hell is he?

272. Hey, Dad, I'm in the Bible days.

273. And there's a whole stadium of people clapping for me.

274. Oh, look, my very own lion.

275. Oh, my God!

276. Huh. Must've got the wrong head.

277. And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.

278. Whoa, Brian, there's no smoking in the terminal.

279. Hey, hey, there's worse things than nicotine, pal.

280. And I'm going to find them.

281. Ah, patience, lad.

282. It took dear St. Patrick more than a day

283. to clear the Emerald Isle of snakes.

284. Oh, can the Irish crap, will you, Horowitz?

285. Okay.

286. Open it!

287. Ah, let me go! Help! Help!

288. All right, where's the stash?

289. I'll do a freaking body cavity search, I swear.

290. Sir, we apologize.

291. Griffin, there's no easy way to say this, I think you have a drug problem.

292. A drug problem?

293. What's this really about, jealousy?

294. Am I stealing your thunder, Joe, is that it?

295. Give me your badge.

296. Fine! By the way, Horowitz,

297. you should show Joe your impression of him.

298. Oh, well, not, I...

299. It's not as good as, you know, my Irish cop.

300. It's just a little thing I...

301. Look at me, I'm Joe.

302. My legs don't work.

303. But I make up for it by having a very strong upper body.

304. Well, I do say that.

305. Oh, The Old Man and The Sea.

306. I see you're getting in the mood for our cruise.

307. Yeah, stupid fisherman...

308. Sitting out there on a boat yammering to himself.

309. He doesn't even know I'm watching him.

310. Ah, splendid. Fido McCoke Fiend is home.

311. Everybody, this is Tina.

312. What happened to you?

313. Hey, how about a little less questions

314. and a little more shut the hell up.

315. You know, just because you can't feel your teeth

316. doesn't mean the girl can't feel your insults.

317. Hello, I'm Lois Griffin.

318. Welcome to our home.

319. So, what? She's, like, your mom or something?

320. Tina, can I get you a warm washcloth

321. to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?

322. Here, baby, I'll show you the channel Lois doesn't know about.

323. Brian, would you... Chris, look away.

324. Meg, take Stewie upstairs.

325. Wait, that man seems to have suffered

326. a rather serious snakebite.

327. Brian, would you please ask your new friend to leave now.

328. Oh, sorry, things getting a little too real

329. for the Stepford wife?

330. And look at you two. Quasimodo and Lumpy.

331. I leave more personality

332. in tightly coiled piles on the lawn.

333. Oh, do me. Do me next!

334. Come on, baby girl, let's go to the park.

335. Hey, doc, what the hell are you doing here?

336. Your family has something they'd like to say to you.

337. "Brian, I know I don't speak up much.

338. And it's really hard for me to talk about my feelings, but..."

339. Why don't we start with someone more interesting? Peter?

340. "Brian, ever since your addiction, you've been a jerk.

341. I miss the good old days when you were my sidekick."

342. Ah, so she hated my tie

343. until I told her it was made out of 100% buttofuoco fiber.

344. Ah, yup, yup.

345. Ah, yup, yup.

346. Hey, uh, Brian, how about a little tie music.

347. Peter's tie, Peter's tie

348. That's because Peter's the guy

349. All right, that's it. A little tie music.

350. Look, you guys got it all wrong.

351. I... I... I...

352. Oh, I'm so sorry, everyone!

353. Oh, God, I need help.

354. Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is,

355. a melan-collie.

356. Nothing?

357. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

358. No, I should've said... I should've said, "chi-wah-wah."

359. I don't have to impress you.

360. Look, I'm not insensitive, Lois,

361. but I just don't see why we got to cancel our cruise

362. just 'cause the dog's a cokehead.

363. We're not going on vacation while Brian's in rehab.

364. We'll just have to wait till next year.

365. Oh, man.

366. Look, Peter, I'll make it up to you.

367. I have a cousin who works at club med.

368. Me mind on fire

369. Me soul on fire

370. Feeling hot, hot, hot

371. Holy crap! Look at this place!

372. This is where God would come if he had to stop doing blow.

373. - They have tennis courts! - And a full spa!

374. Wow! No wonder people do drugs.

375. Good luck, Brian. I just know you're going to get clean.

376. Heh, it shouldn't be too hard to get clean

377. with all these mineral baths and jacuzzis.

378. Oh, I see, the fat man makes a pun

379. and everyone wets themselves.

380. I give you gold and I get squat.

381. I'll be in the car.

382. That was a very productive first day, Brian.

383. Our goal here is to find your "X" factor.

384. The element in your life

385. that made you turn to drugs in the first place.

386. Well, just having some time away

387. to sort things out is going to do wonders.

388. Thanks, doctor.

389. What... What are you doing here?

390. I'm on vacation.

391. And oh, if anyone asks, I'm also on smack.

392. Peter, this... This is a detox clinic.

393. You can't vacation here.

394. Why not? This place is way better than a cruise.

395. You should've seen it.

396. I whipped this speed freak's ass at horseshoes today.

397. Peter, this isn't a vacation for me.

398. For god's sake, I'm trying to get healthy.

399. Yeah, okay, okay, all right.

400. Hey, softball this afternoon.

401. Bunch of us addicts are taking on

402. the pregnant teenagers from across the lake.

403. Okay, come on, everyone.

404. Exercise is an important part of recovery.

405. Just work with the resistance of the water.

406. Ten more reps.

407. Okay, and one, and two, and three.

408. Oh!

409. Yeah! I'm also addicted to boobies.

410. Trade you this for your cupcake.

411. What? It was just carpet fresh. I'm on your side.

412. I'm been observing your behavior

413. and I don't think you're an addict.

414. I think you're an idiot.

415. Well, I don't pay you to think, hot lips.

416. In fact, I don't pay you at all.

417. Count it.

418. I'll be keeping my eye on you.

419. What's your name?

420. Uh, my name?

421. Uh...

422. Uh...

423. Uh, uh... "p..."

424. Uh, uh...

425. Uh... Tear...

426. Uh...

427. Uh... Griffin.

428. Yeah, yeah, Peter griffin.

429. Aw, crap.

430. Hey, Brian, I was looking for you.

431. Hey, you want to go mess with the pregnant teens

432. across the lake?

433. I can't. Group therapy, 2:00.

434. Oh, man, I peeked in on one of those.

435. It was more boring than when I was

436. a security guard for George Harrison.

437. Charles in charge of our days and our nights

438. Charles in charge

439. Of our wrongs and our rights

440. And I say, I want Charles in charge

441. Hey! hey! Quiet down up there!

442. You wacky Beatle.

443. Well, I... I have been making a lot of progress lately.

444. I guess missing one session wouldn't be the end of the world.

445. There you go.

446. Hey, what do you think they put in the bug juice?

447. Bugs.

448. No, they don't. Come on.

449. Shut up.

450. Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves...

451. Fourteen premature births.

452. Sorry, doc, I don't usually let Peter

453. talk me into this kind of stuff.

454. Wait a minute. Brain, you have

455. a preexisting relationship with this degenerate?

456. A degenerate, am I?

457. Well, you are a fastizio.

458. See? I can make up words, too, sister.

459. Well, I think we've found your "X" factor.

460. What, do you mean Peter?

461. His behavior is clearly a negative influence on you,

462. and with your intelligence and sensitivity...

463. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, I made my own mistakes, all right?

464. This man took me into his home and he treated me like family.

465. He's my best friend.

466. Yes, and look where you've ended up.

467. You know what? I think my therapy here is complete.

468. I came here to get clean and I did, so good-bye.

469. Brian, it's moments like this

470. that make me sad you're going to die 50 years before I do.

471. He was all coked up

472. And we were choked up

473. But now our happy Brian's home

474. Cha-cha-cha!

475. I am serious, Lois, you could be in show business.

476. - Hey, Meg, 18 yet? - No.

477. Hey, Chris, how are you?

478. Well, I'm glad...

479. All right.

480. Brian, I feel a little guilty.

481. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been exposed to that junk.

482. Hey, Joe, if I've learned anything from my experience,

483. it's that we're all responsible for our own destiny.

484. And that's why I'm leaving.

485. Leaving? You can't leave.

486. I have to, Peter, for me.

487. I love you all.

488. Somebody say something.

489. Brain, wait!

490. Hold on a second.

491. Airport, please.