1. It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. Is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. But where are those
good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. On which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. Lucky there's a man
who positively can doCopy !req
7. All the things that make usCopy !req
8. Laugh and cryCopy !req
9. He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!Copy !req
10. Why do you still read the newspaper?Copy !req
11. Nobody does that anymore.Copy !req
12. I like to keep up on local news.Copy !req
13. Like the police blotter.Copy !req
14. Huh, most of these arrests
are Cleveland.Copy !req
15. And the arresting officer
is Joe Swanson.Copy !req
16. Can I help you, sir?Copy !req
17. I'm doing my mail route, Joe.Copy !req
18. Maybe you'd be more comfortableCopy !req
19. talking about it down at the station.Copy !req
20. You're right.Copy !req
21. It is more comfortable here.Copy !req
22. The police station:Copy !req
23. come for the racial profiling,Copy !req
24. stay for the comfort.Copy !req
25. Is that... is that you?Copy !req
26. Oh. Yeah. A friend invited me
to this charity ball.Copy !req
27. A friend? She's 100!Copy !req
28. What are you up to?Copy !req
29. Nothing. I enjoy her company.Copy !req
30. Older women are cultured, worldly.Copy !req
31. I've got nothing to be defensive about.Copy !req
32. Her husband passed away.Copy !req
33. She appreciates my friendship.Copy !req
34. I'm providing companionship.Copy !req
35. Dogs are known for that.Copy !req
36. I don't like it.Copy !req
37. Peter, I need you to mow the lawn.Copy !req
38. It's out of control.Copy !req
39. I can't mow the lawn, Lois.Copy !req
40. The Friends of Distinction
are out there,Copy !req
41. grazing in the grass.Copy !req
42. It sure is mellow
grazing in the grassCopy !req
43. Grazing in the grass is a gas,
baby, can you dig it?Copy !req
44. Everything here is so clear,
you can see itCopy !req
45. And everything here is
so real, you can feel itCopy !req
46. I can dig it, he can dig it,
she can dig it, we can dig itCopy !req
47. They can dig it, you can
dig it, oh, let's dig itCopy !req
48. Can you dig it, baby?Copy !req
49. Oh, let me get in on that!Copy !req
50. Where'd they go?Copy !req
51. Cleveland? You okay in there?Copy !req
52. Cleveland!Copy !req
53. Wha-Wha-What? What?Copy !req
54. Oh. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.Copy !req
55. Mmm, that was a good toilet dreamCopy !req
56. about my neighbor and his lawn.Copy !req
57. Peter, I don't care who's grazing.Copy !req
58. The lawn looks terrible.Copy !req
59. Get out there and mow it.Copy !req
60. Why can't Chris mow it? He's old enough.Copy !req
61. Look, I'm all for Chris mowing the lawn,Copy !req
62. but you got to teach him.Copy !req
63. Fine, I'll do it tomorrow.Copy !req
64. After my weekend job as a zookeeperCopy !req
65. with very muscular thighs.Copy !req
66. "Thigh" there, nice to see you all.Copy !req
67. As you can see right here and here,Copy !req
68. I am qualified to be a zookeeper.Copy !req
69. This is my friend Frederick.Copy !req
70. And I am sure you're all
wondering how much I can squat.Copy !req
71. For that answer, you'll have
to go to my Instagram,Copy !req
72. YourThighness99.Copy !req
73. Now, I'd like to open up
the floor for questions.Copy !req
74. - Yes, what food does the bird...
- Not about the bird!Copy !req
75. Now, who wants to see me jump
over this fenceCopy !req
76. from a standing start?Copy !req
77. Let me scooch these shorts up
a little "thigher."Copy !req
78. Look out, elephants!Copy !req
79. So, everybody happy
they went to the zoo?Copy !req
80. No?Copy !req
81. Well, that's the zoo.Copy !req
82. Is that a diamond-encrusted watch fob?Copy !req
83. This? Oh, yeah, I-I've had this.Copy !req
84. Nobody's owned one of those
for 80 years!Copy !req
85. What are you up to?Copy !req
86. You already did this.Copy !req
87. I'm not trying to show skepticism.Copy !req
88. My head is too heavy!Copy !req
89. I heard the doctor whisper
to Lois, "3,000th percentile."Copy !req
90. Okay, Chris, now, if you're
gonna learn how to mow a lawn,Copy !req
91. the first lesson is that
you always start by 7:00 a.m.,Copy !req
92. before everyone wakes up,
including roosters.Copy !req
93. What the...?Copy !req
94. Hey, shut up!Copy !req
95. You shut up!Copy !req
96. Oh, real original.Copy !req
97. Now, to start the mower,Copy !req
98. you grab this pull cord like soCopy !req
99. and give it a nice hard yank.Copy !req
100. Can I change my grip?Copy !req
101. Wow, much better.Copy !req
102. It's a more familiar motion.Copy !req
103. For the rest, you can just watch
this how-to video on YouTube.Copy !req
104. What's going on, guys? I'm Corey,Copy !req
105. here to take your lawn mowing
skills to the next lev.Copy !req
106. But, first, make sure
you subscribe to my channel,Copy !req
107. Corey's World.Copy !req
108. Okay, now let's start that mower.Copy !req
109. Did you know
Corey got recruited by ISIS?Copy !req
110. He disappeared, and now there's
this guy doing ISIS videosCopy !req
111. and they think it's Corey.Copy !req
112. Assalamu alaikum, guys!Copy !req
113. This is Corey, here to talk
about making a dirty bombCopy !req
114. with stuff you can find in your kitchen.Copy !req
115. Great Caesar's ghost!Copy !req
116. Chris and a chubby little friend?Copy !req
117. It's like in my dream!Copy !req
118. Hey there, Chris.Copy !req
119. You know, I've been looking
for a muscley-armed young fellaCopy !req
120. to mow my lawn.Copy !req
121. Sorry, Mr. Herbert,Copy !req
122. but I don't even want to mow this lawn.Copy !req
123. You could bring your friend
over there to help you.Copy !req
124. Come on, Herbert. Rope this calf.Copy !req
125. Would $600 a week change your mind?Copy !req
126. Uh, would it? You got a deal!Copy !req
127. And I can pay you under the table.Copy !req
128. I like to make a little fort
under there.Copy !req
129. I call it Fort Dix.Copy !req
130. Did you hear that, Dad?Copy !req
131. He'll pay us $600!Copy !req
132. Uh, yeah, did-did you not hear
about Fort Dix?Copy !req
133. Oh, Admiral, you've been so good
to me these past weeks,Copy !req
134. with my husband goneCopy !req
135. and me alone to tend
to his massive estate.Copy !req
136. You know, helping you
might have been difficultCopy !req
137. were you not so utterly charming.Copy !req
138. Oh...Copy !req
139. Plus, helping you helps me forgetCopy !req
140. my own country's troublesCopy !req
141. and my struggle to save
our national flower,Copy !req
142. the Masdevallia orchid.Copy !req
143. That's my favorite flower.Copy !req
144. And pet charity.Copy !req
145. Really?Copy !req
146. I've devoted my life
to raising money to save it.Copy !req
147. What a coincidence.Copy !req
148. You and the count.Copy !req
149. - The count?
- Yes, of Monte Hall.Copy !req
150. We like to October in Zurich.Copy !req
151. Ah, yes, the best place to October.Copy !req
152. The secret, however,
is to October in ZurichCopy !req
153. but in September, to avoid
the obnoxious Octobering crowds,Copy !req
154. saving October for Paris...
Novembering there...Copy !req
155. Then Decembering in Palm Beach
in NovemberCopy !req
156. and, in December, Januarying, of course,Copy !req
157. as always, in Gstaad.Copy !req
158. We December in London.Copy !req
159. You, madame, are a cream-faced loon.Copy !req
160. Count, I don't believe
you've met the admiral.Copy !req
161. Well, he may be an admiral,Copy !req
162. but he's certainly not admirable.Copy !req
163. Panty drop.Copy !req
164. Swoon.Copy !req
165. Commercial.Copy !req
166. So, Admiral, you must have had
quite the military career.Copy !req
167. Your honors are impressive.Copy !req
168. Is that medal
a stretched-out carnival penny?Copy !req
169. Thank you for noticing, Count.Copy !req
170. It means a lot from a man whose top hatCopy !req
171. looks suspiciously like an Amazon EchoCopy !req
172. with a cardboard brim.Copy !req
173. Why, wha-wha-what a preposterous notion!Copy !req
174. - Alexa?
- No, don't say that!Copy !req
175. What the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
176. This is my scam. Now butt out.Copy !req
177. Now, why would I do that, Brian?Copy !req
178. These old bags are going to die.Copy !req
179. Someone's going to end up
with their money.Copy !req
180. Look, all right,Copy !req
181. there's no reason
to sabotage each other.Copy !req
182. There's plenty of Newport
heiresses for the both of us.Copy !req
183. Maybe we could even help each other.Copy !req
184. Exactly.Copy !req
185. Two con men like us working together?Copy !req
186. We'll be set.Copy !req
187. Like a passive-aggressive alarm clock.Copy !req
188. Uh, I don't know if you've noticed,Copy !req
189. but the sun's been up
for, like, an hour.Copy !req
190. No, no, no, no,
you don't have to get up.Copy !req
191. Let your wife do everything.Copy !req
192. Just keep sleeping.
You're a good husband.Copy !req
193. I'm sure she doesn't fantasize
about your contractor,Copy !req
194. who's already downstairs working on...Copy !req
195. Well, I can't really figure out
what he's working on.Copy !req
196. OH, I KNOW: your wife.Copy !req
197. Hey there, Chris!Copy !req
198. And what's your pal's name?Copy !req
199. I'm Peter, sir.!Copy !req
200. You're big for your age,
ain't ya, Petey?Copy !req
201. Yeah. Doctor says I eat too much candy.Copy !req
202. Ain't no shame in being chubby.Copy !req
203. You're a growing boy.Copy !req
204. Why, what's this?Copy !req
205. Wow! How'd you do that?Copy !req
206. It wasn't a trick.Copy !req
207. It was stuck to your neck.Copy !req
208. Oh, yeah. Sometimes
I fall asleep on candy.Copy !req
209. There she is.Copy !req
210. The wealthiest heiress
in all of Newport.Copy !req
211. - The Holy Grail for guys like us.
- Who is she?Copy !req
212. That's Margaret Woolworth
Carrington Von SchumacherCopy !req
213. Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-ExuperyCopy !req
214. Mountbatten Windsor Armani RooseveltCopy !req
215. Von Trapp Wykenham HearstCopy !req
216. Montgomery Rothchild Johnson & JohnsonCopy !req
217. Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von ZweigerCopy !req
218. Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico VanderbiltCopy !req
219. Lannister Van Buren Butterworth
How I Met Your MotherCopy !req
220. Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan StanleyCopy !req
221. Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee WinthropCopy !req
222. Chanel Remi Martin Fitzwilliam KennedyCopy !req
223. Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker DavenportCopy !req
224. Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston MartinCopy !req
225. Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPontCopy !req
226. Kincaid Winslow Coors Oviatt MarlboroughCopy !req
227. Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon SinclairCopy !req
228. Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third MontgomeryCopy !req
229. Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League ChewCopy !req
230. Chesterfield Kensington Booth BishopCopy !req
231. Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger BurgermeisterCopy !req
232. Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis.Copy !req
233. My God.Copy !req
234. You mean the heir
to the Woolworth CarringtonCopy !req
235. Von Schumacher Chanel Astor LivingstonCopy !req
236. Compte de Saint-Exupery
Mountbatten WindsorCopy !req
237. Armani Roosevelt
Von Trapp Wykenham HearstCopy !req
238. Montgomery Rothchild Johnson & JohnsonCopy !req
239. Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von ZweigerCopy !req
240. Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico VanderbiltCopy !req
241. Lannister Van Buren Butterworth
How I Met Your MotherCopy !req
242. Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan StanleyCopy !req
243. Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee WinthropCopy !req
244. Chanel Remi Martin Fitzwilliam KennedyCopy !req
245. Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker DavenportCopy !req
246. Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston MartinCopy !req
247. Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPontCopy !req
248. Kincaid Winslow Coors Oviatt MarlboroughCopy !req
249. Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon SinclairCopy !req
250. Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third MontgomeryCopy !req
251. Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League ChewCopy !req
252. Chesterfield Kensington Booth BishopCopy !req
253. Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger BurgermeisterCopy !req
254. Tudor Hapsburg
Rockefeller Onassis fortune?Copy !req
255. Exactly.Copy !req
256. She goes by "Pip."Copy !req
257. - Pip?
- Pip.Copy !req
258. Been trying to schmooze her for months.Copy !req
259. The only catch is
her 95-year-old husbandCopy !req
260. is still hanging on by a thread.Copy !req
261. I can't make a move until he dies,Copy !req
262. which, hopefully, is any day now.Copy !req
263. If we can charm her,
we'll be set for life.Copy !req
264. No more scraping and scavenging,Copy !req
265. like a laughing hyena.Copy !req
266. I don't sound desperate,Copy !req
267. but I'm very desperate.Copy !req
268. I'm not a very capable predator.Copy !req
269. My family's back
at the den waiting for me.Copy !req
270. I think this
is the day I starve to death.Copy !req
271. Just kidding, I have no family.Copy !req
272. But I'm a very involved uncle.Copy !req
273. Dad, shouldn't we attach a bag
to the mower?Copy !req
274. That's too much work.
Just mow with the blowerCopy !req
275. always pointed toward Joe's lawn.Copy !req
276. Hey, will you put a bag on that thing?Copy !req
277. Just poop into your hand if you have to.Copy !req
278. I'll be down in a minute.Copy !req
279. Hey, boys. I've got some cookies
and special grape juice for you.Copy !req
280. Come on and get it, Petey.Copy !req
281. Sweet.Copy !req
282. But, Mr. Herbert,
you always made the cookiesCopy !req
283. with the large pill
in the center for me.Copy !req
284. Sorry, Chris. He just got to them first.Copy !req
285. I thought I was your favorite.Copy !req
286. You mustn't think you've failed meCopy !req
287. Just because there's someone elseCopy !req
288. You were the first real loveCopy !req
289. I ever hadCopy !req
290. And all the things I ever saidCopy !req
291. I swear they still are trueCopy !req
292. For no one elseCopy !req
293. Can have the part of meCopy !req
294. I gave to youCopy !req
295. Torn between two loversCopy !req
296. Feeling like a foolCopy !req
297. Loving both of youCopy !req
298. Is breaking all the rulesCopy !req
299. Torn between two loversCopy !req
300. Feeling like a foolCopy !req
301. Loving you both
is breaking all the rules.Copy !req
302. All right, now let's kick it up a notch.Copy !req
303. Come on, shake your body,
baby, do that congaCopy !req
304. You know you can't
control yourself any longer.Copy !req
305. There she is.Copy !req
306. We just got to wait
for our chance to move in.Copy !req
307. Brian, look.Copy !req
308. You think this might be... the end?Copy !req
309. I don't know, but now's our chance.Copy !req
310. I hate myself for doing this.Copy !req
311. Is that a Cats Protective League
pin on your lapel?Copy !req
312. Why, yes.Copy !req
313. It's my favorite charity.Copy !req
314. I love cats.Copy !req
315. I've devoted my life to helping them.Copy !req
316. I like this party.Copy !req
317. Pussies.Copy !req
318. - Cock.
- Cock.Copy !req
319. I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but my husband is feeling illCopy !req
320. and stepped into the men's locker room.Copy !req
321. Would you be so kind as to check on him?Copy !req
322. Well, I'm not sure if we'll be able
to find him.Copy !req
323. Don't worry. I've got a very thick,Copy !req
324. yellow toenail finder app on my phone.Copy !req
325. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.Copy !req
326. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.Copy !req
327. Ew!Copy !req
328. Got him.Copy !req
329. Do you think he's dead?Copy !req
330. Get the hell out of my face, Brian.Copy !req
331. Wha... Quagmire?Copy !req
332. No. Quagmire!Copy !req
333. - That's what I said.
- Oh. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
334. I didn't, I didn't hear you
'cause of the prosthetics.Copy !req
335. Hey, just checking to see
if the old man is dead.Copy !req
336. Oh, hey, guys.Copy !req
337. Geez, how many of us are doing this con?Copy !req
338. I've got no chance, have I?
A tertiary character like me.Copy !req
339. You most certainly do not.
I don't even thinkCopy !req
340. we're going to give you
the dance you rehearsed.Copy !req
341. - You're Margaret's husband?
- That's right.Copy !req
342. Listen, rookie,
you're out of your league.Copy !req
343. You think you know how to bang
a woman who's seen a dodo bird?Copy !req
344. Wait, but how can you be married?Copy !req
345. You don't even live together.Copy !req
346. She's old. She says,
"You weren't here yesterday."Copy !req
347. I say, "Yes, I was." And that's it.Copy !req
348. Well, you've clearly invested
a lot of time into this.Copy !req
349. And yet two fellows like us
with loose lipsCopy !req
350. could cause it all to fall apart.Copy !req
351. - Who's this trombone?
- I'm the guyCopy !req
352. who enjoyed like hell
shopping for this little ruse.Copy !req
353. Look, there's plenty
of money to go around,Copy !req
354. and I don't know how much more
of this I can take,Copy !req
355. so I'll make a deal with you guys.Copy !req
356. If you can help me "wrap this up,"Copy !req
357. if you know what I mean...
Take her skydiving,Copy !req
358. something that might, you know,
overwhelm her elderly heart...Copy !req
359. I'll split the estate with you two.Copy !req
360. But unless you're prepared
to kill her, get the hell out.Copy !req
361. All right, I got to run.
It's her birthday.Copy !req
362. Happy birthdayCopy !req
363. Dear Margaret Woolworth
Carrington Von SchumacherCopy !req
364. Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-Exupery...Copy !req
365. I'm, uh, just gonna hang here
for a minute.Copy !req
366. Von Trapp Wykenham HearstCopy !req
367. Montgomery Rothchild
Johnson & JohnsonCopy !req
368. Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana
Von ZweigerCopy !req
369. Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico VanderbiltCopy !req
370. Lannister Van Buren ButterworthCopy !req
371. How I Met Your MotherCopy !req
372. Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan StanleyCopy !req
373. Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee WinthropCopy !req
374. Chanel Remi Martin
Fitzwilliam KennedyCopy !req
375. Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker DavenportCopy !req
376. Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston MartinCopy !req
377. Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPontCopy !req
378. Kincaid Winslow Coors
Oviatt MarlboroughCopy !req
379. Pembroke Huffington
Bush Mellon SinclairCopy !req
380. Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third MontgomeryCopy !req
381. Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League ChewCopy !req
382. Chesterfield Kensington Booth BishopCopy !req
383. Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger BurgermeisterCopy !req
384. Tudor Hapsburg
Rockefeller Onassis...Copy !req
385. That's a...Copy !req
386. that's a freshly oiled hinge.Copy !req
387. Petey, let's play horsey.Copy !req
388. That's it!Copy !req
389. It's time you do all the work
and I goof off with Mr. Herbert.Copy !req
390. Like hell it is.Copy !req
391. Jesse, is this really happening?Copy !req
392. You're going down, old man.Copy !req
393. I ain't the one going down.
You're going down.Copy !req
394. No way. I'm gonna pound your ass!Copy !req
395. You're seeming kind of cocky,Copy !req
396. Boo, cocky!Copy !req
397. Oh!Copy !req
398. Why are you being such a jerk, Dad?Copy !req
399. D-D-D-D-D-Dad?Copy !req
400. Yeah, this is my dad.Copy !req
401. Well, he often said he wanted
to explode all over me.Copy !req
402. He finally did.Copy !req
403. Sorry I got jealous, Dad.Copy !req
404. That's all right, Chris.Copy !req
405. Hey, did you get a little
aroused when we were wrestling?Copy !req
406. - No.
- Me, neither.Copy !req
407. I am Herbert!Copy !req
408. I am Herbert.Copy !req
409. I am Herbert. I am Herbert.Copy !req
410. Good Quahog, evening.Copy !req
411. Uh, let's, uh, let's do that again.Copy !req
412. Good evening, Hog-quo,
I'm Tucker Tom. Nope.Copy !req
413. Good aftereveningnoon,
HogTom, Quo I'merTuck.Copy !req
414. Quo Goodningnoon, TomerTuck,Copy !req
415. I'm ningningafterevenQuo, Noonhog.Copy !req
416. Newport's wealthiest heiress,
Margaret Woolworth...Copy !req
417. Holy God, I'm not reading all that...Copy !req
418. Was found dead in her home
of an apparent heart attack.Copy !req
419. - Did you...?
- No. Did you?Copy !req
420. No. You think Quagmire did?Copy !req
421. You, uh... you guys actually did it.Copy !req
422. And made it look like a heart attack.Copy !req
423. Wow. I, uh...Copy !req
424. I didn't think you had it in you.Copy !req
425. I... I guess you thought wrong.Copy !req
426. Listen, I-I know there's been
some bad blood between us,Copy !req
427. but I-I promise, it won't happen again.Copy !req
428. I hope you can forgive me.Copy !req
429. Well... just watch your step.Copy !req
430. Well, a deal's a deal,Copy !req
431. so here's your share of the estate.Copy !req
432. Just sign here.Copy !req
433. - We're rich!
- We're rich!Copy !req
434. We're rich, Stewie.Copy !req
435. And no flip joke can take that away.Copy !req
436. Gentlemen,
due to a disastrous investmentCopy !req
437. in a Mindy Project amusement park,Copy !req
438. Miss Woolworth etcetera, etcetera,Copy !req
439. died owing $18 million,Copy !req
440. for which you are now liable.Copy !req
441. We owe money?Copy !req
442. Look, Stewie, it-it could be worse.Copy !req
443. We could be dead, like Margaret.Copy !req
444. You're right. Poor thing.Copy !req
445. I guess she just died of natural causes.Copy !req
446. What a couple of rubes.Copy !req
447. I'm finally out
from under that crushing debt.Copy !req
448. I suppose I don't need this anymore.Copy !req
449. Yes, that's right. It was a Meg story.Copy !req
450. Come on, shake your body,
baby, do the congaCopy !req
451. I know you can't control
yourself any longerCopy !req
452. Feel the rhythm of the music
getting strongerCopy !req
453. Don't you fight it
till you've tried itCopy !req
454. Do the conga beatCopy !req
455. Everybody, gather 'round nowCopy !req
456. Let your body feel the heat...Copy !req