1. It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. Is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. But where are those
good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. On which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. Lucky there's a man
who positively can doCopy !req
7. All the things that make usCopy !req
8. Laugh and cryCopy !req
9. He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!Copy !req
10. Brian, why are you dressed like a doucheCopy !req
11. who hangs out with multiracial friendsCopy !req
12. in a McDonald's commercial?Copy !req
13. Okay.Copy !req
14. All right, that'll do.Copy !req
15. Well, I'm heading out. See y'all.Copy !req
16. Hey, Brian, that hat
makes you look like a wang.Copy !req
17. Squat and white
with a dark mushroom cap,Copy !req
18. - like Michael Jackson.
- Is that true?Copy !req
19. Yes.Copy !req
20. Let me guess, Bri.
You're off to try and get laidCopy !req
21. - at some sad nightclub.
- Shut up, Stewie.Copy !req
22. I'm not just out for sex.Copy !req
23. I want a woman who I can spend
the rest of my life with.Copy !req
24. I simply haven't found her yet.Copy !req
25. And you never will, because the truth isCopy !req
26. you're a selfish horndog who's
getting too old for the game.Copy !req
27. I beg to differ.
I think I've got the lingoCopy !req
28. of today's lady down pat.Copy !req
29. Hey. Might I Pinterest you
in a drink-point-oh?Copy !req
30. Ladies.Copy !req
31. How about the Verizon guy
moving over to Sprint? Huh?Copy !req
32. That seems kind of wack, right?Copy !req
33. - Like, zero chill.
- I can't understand you.Copy !req
34. Does anyone here speak Old Dude?Copy !req
35. Is Bernie Sanders here bothering you?Copy !req
36. Another bourbon, please.Copy !req
37. - Shut up, dick.
- Wha...?Copy !req
38. - Why do I come here?
- Tell me about it.Copy !req
39. He called me a dick earlier.Copy !req
40. - I'm Jess.
- Thanks. I'm Brian.Copy !req
41. Well, Jess, bottoms up.Copy !req
42. If you're lucky.Copy !req
43. So, this place, uh...Copy !req
44. it's worse than Syria, don't you think?Copy !req
45. Yes! Everything about it is awful.Copy !req
46. The people, the music...Copy !req
47. - If you can call it music.
- If you can call it music.Copy !req
48. Oh, my God, we were grumpy
and bitter at the same time.Copy !req
49. I like you, Brian.Copy !req
50. You actually say what's on your mind.Copy !req
51. Hey, life's too short, right?Copy !req
52. Tell me about it.Copy !req
53. I've been diagnosed
with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.Copy !req
54. Oh, you know, cancer?Copy !req
55. Oh, my God, I thought I smelled cancer.Copy !req
56. Still want to go back to my place?Copy !req
57. Sounds great. Or, as young people say,Copy !req
58. "Hashtag yes!"Copy !req
59. - Whew!
- That was incredible.Copy !req
60. And hey, sorry I barked
when you took your pants off.Copy !req
61. I thought it was a squirrel.Copy !req
62. Ready to go again?Copy !req
63. Oh, I need time.Copy !req
64. I'm still recovering
from that one thing you didCopy !req
65. that was so obscene,
it couldn't even be describedCopy !req
66. on lame, dying network TV.Copy !req
67. Have you always been so...Copy !req
68. Freaky? No. But when I got my diagnosis,Copy !req
69. I made a bucket list
of wild sex stuff I want to try.Copy !req
70. Jess, I would like
to help you cross offCopy !req
71. every single item on this list.Copy !req
72. Aw. You would do that for me?Copy !req
73. All except for number 17.Copy !req
74. I'm allergic to chocolate.Copy !req
75. But isn't that only if you eat it?Copy !req
76. You know what? Let me make a phone call.Copy !req
77. Oh...Copy !req
78. Yeah!Copy !req
79. Brian, I'm glad
your girlfriend could join usCopy !req
80. - for dinner tonight.
- Thanks, Lois.Copy !req
81. And when she gets back
from the bathroom,Copy !req
82. none of you say anything about cancer.Copy !req
83. I'm serious. I really enjoy
spending time with this woman,Copy !req
84. and I don't want you ruining it for me.Copy !req
85. - Okay, okay, promise.
- Of course. We got it.Copy !req
86. Lois, you didn't have to go
through all this trouble.Copy !req
87. It's like a whole Thanksgiving dinner.Copy !req
88. Oh, it's no problem, Jess.Copy !req
89. We're happy to have you.Copy !req
90. Chris, pass me a turkey leg, would you?Copy !req
91. I prefer the limbs.Copy !req
92. I got a "limb fo' Ma."Copy !req
93. Uh, let's stop talking
about the food. All right?Copy !req
94. Anyone seen any good movies lately?Copy !req
95. I saw that new Tom Hanks movie.Copy !req
96. Oh, man, I love every Tom Hanks movie,Copy !req
97. except The Terminal.Copy !req
98. There's nothing worse than
when you're flipping channels,Copy !req
99. and you're like,
"Oh, God, it's Terminal.Copy !req
100. "Don't say it's Terminal.Copy !req
101. "God, what have I done to deserve this?Copy !req
102. Why does it have to be Terminal?"Copy !req
103. Sir, I will tell you
a great Tom Hanks movie:Copy !req
104. Catch Me If You Can, sir.Copy !req
105. You have literally
never called Peter "sir."Copy !req
106. Well, I've never told you
that I can't throw a boomerang,Copy !req
107. but it's true.Copy !req
108. See? I told you. But at least
I don't have cancer,Copy !req
109. - like your girlfriend.
- That's it.Copy !req
110. I'm getting you out of here.Copy !req
111. I like your family. They're scumbags.Copy !req
112. I like you.Copy !req
113. No, Jess...Copy !req
114. I really like you.Copy !req
115. I can't remember the last time
I felt this happy.Copy !req
116. I feel dizzy.Copy !req
117. Me, too.Copy !req
118. This all happened so fast, I...Copy !req
119. Jess? Are you okay?Copy !req
120. Jess?Copy !req
121. Are you guys still leaving?Copy !req
122. Oh. Yeah. Sorry.Copy !req
123. Wait, where's Dr. Hartman?Copy !req
124. I'm afraid Jess's condition
is too seriousCopy !req
125. to be announced by Dr. Hartman.Copy !req
126. So they sent me, Dr. Gravitas.Copy !req
127. - Oh... boy.
- Uh-oh.Copy !req
128. Jess, I'll come right out and say it.Copy !req
129. The cancer did not respond to treatmentCopy !req
130. and has spread throughout your body.Copy !req
131. You've got approximately
two weeks left to live.Copy !req
132. Oh, my God.Copy !req
133. Oh...Copy !req
134. I'm so sorry, Jess.Copy !req
135. If there's anything I can do...Copy !req
136. No, you've been great.Copy !req
137. I mean, you don't even
need to be here right now.Copy !req
138. I'm just some womanCopy !req
139. who never got to have
the career she wantedCopy !req
140. or get married or have kids.Copy !req
141. One of those things... you can do.Copy !req
142. It would be my honorCopy !req
143. if you spent the rest of your lifeCopy !req
144. as my bride.Copy !req
145. Oh, Brian. Yes!Copy !req
146. Oh, this is my vet.Copy !req
147. Hello?Copy !req
148. Oh, great.Copy !req
149. Well, some good news.Copy !req
150. That chocolate thing
from the bucket list?Copy !req
151. We're all good. Let's do it.Copy !req
152. Toblerone probably isn't
the best thing for this.Copy !req
153. Brian? It would mean the world to meCopy !req
154. if you wore my tux
from when I got married.Copy !req
155. I love you, buddy.Copy !req
156. Yeah, I'm not wearing
a fat guy's old clothes.Copy !req
157. And... Wha... Is this a flap
on the butt of these pants?Copy !req
158. Yup. In case of emergencies.Copy !req
159. My invention. Called it the Suit-Chute.Copy !req
160. Got it patented in '97
and went into business.Copy !req
161. Shot a local commercial and everything.Copy !req
162. I'm Peter Griffin,
inventor of the Suit-Chute.Copy !req
163. Are you about to walk down the aisleCopy !req
164. and afraid you'll leave it brown?Copy !req
165. Did you eat creamy soup
just before the opera?Copy !req
166. Are you George Brett
at an awards ceremony?Copy !req
167. Then you need a tux with the Suit-Chute.Copy !req
168. Don't take my word for it.Copy !req
169. Ask famous Hollywood actor-
slash-pants filler Dennis Franz.Copy !req
170. On NYPD Blue,
I'm known for packin' heat.Copy !req
171. But every year when I go to the Emmys,Copy !req
172. the heat I'm packin'
is clumpy and smells terrible.Copy !req
173. Not anymore, thanks to the Suit-Chute.Copy !req
174. And the winner is...Copy !req
175. your socks and shoes.Copy !req
176. The business died,
and I lost $200,000, Brian.Copy !req
177. Want to know why?Copy !req
178. "555" means it is not
an actual phone number.Copy !req
179. I truly wish I had known that.Copy !req
180. Brian, I want nothing to do
with this sham wedding.Copy !req
181. So if you're going to ask me
to be your best man, don't.Copy !req
182. I'm not. I want you to be
the ring bearer,Copy !req
183. and wear a vest and a boutonniereCopy !req
184. - and carry a satin pillow...
- Sold, sold. Yes, I'm in.Copy !req
185. But it's still wrong. There's no wayCopy !req
186. you'd be marrying this woman
if she wasn't going to dieCopy !req
187. - in two weeks.
- Oh, come on!Copy !req
188. Did you know that Lois was so movedCopy !req
189. she called Channel Five
to do a profile of me and Jess?Copy !req
190. And now get out your tissues,
it's a real-life Quahog versionCopy !req
191. of The Fault in Our Stars,Copy !req
192. the novel and hit movie your
gay nephew quotes on Facebook.Copy !req
193. My name is Jess.Copy !req
194. I have cancer.Copy !req
195. But cancer doesn't have me.Copy !req
196. My name is Brian.Copy !req
197. I have a disease...Copy !req
198. called love.Copy !req
199. It may have started in my penis,Copy !req
200. but it spread to my heart.Copy !req
201. And, Brian, when you learned
Jess had only weeks to live,Copy !req
202. you proposed.Copy !req
203. Yep. Got in right under the wire.Copy !req
204. No one's ever loved me like Brian does.Copy !req
205. You know, sometimes at night I
just watch Jess sleep for hours.Copy !req
206. And I go, "Hey. Hey, you alive?"Copy !req
207. And she says, "Yeah," and
then I go, "All right, good."Copy !req
208. I'm, uh... I'm sorry.Copy !req
209. I'm sorry to be a puss.Copy !req
210. Hey, pal.Copy !req
211. Listen, I kn-I know
we've had our differences,Copy !req
212. - but you're a good guy.
- Thank you, Quagmire.Copy !req
213. Listen, I want to throw you
the wildest bachelor partyCopy !req
214. of all time. It's gonna be crazierCopy !req
215. than whatever Kanye West is
doing at this particular moment.Copy !req
216. I'm giving this lasagna a massageCopy !req
217. while preparing to announce
I'm joining ISIS.Copy !req
218. Thank you for your interest.Copy !req
219. This is delicious.Copy !req
220. Hmm. I still think the butter creamCopy !req
221. was the best cake I've thrown up so far.Copy !req
222. Oh, speaking of which. Mwah!Copy !req
223. Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you.Copy !req
224. A-Are you the dog
who's marrying the cancer girl?Copy !req
225. Oh, uh, yeah, I am.Copy !req
226. Oh, my God, we saw you
on the news last night!Copy !req
227. You are just the best person.
I can't even.Copy !req
228. How's she doing?Copy !req
229. Honestly, not well.Copy !req
230. She's only got ten days.Copy !req
231. So in ten days you'll be alone?Copy !req
232. I guess.Copy !req
233. Well, maybe not.Copy !req
234. I'll give you my number.Copy !req
235. Here, I'll put my number in
with my tongue.Copy !req
236. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.Copy !req
237. I'm not sure that's a complete number,Copy !req
238. but I'm gonna call you first.Copy !req
239. Wow. I haven't gotten
this kind of attentionCopy !req
240. since I went to see The Peanuts Movie.Copy !req
241. - Look.
- There he is.Copy !req
242. That's him.Copy !req
243. That's the guy who peed
in his empty soda cup.Copy !req
244. Hello, Brian, I'm Jess's mother, Helen.Copy !req
245. Oh, hey.Copy !req
246. L-Listen, I've been
wanting to talk to you.Copy !req
247. I-I was thinking maybe you could
move in with me and Jess,Copy !req
248. because I-I know you'd want to
be with her for her final days.Copy !req
249. Well, now, thank you, Brian.Copy !req
250. That is such a sweet offer.
I would love to be there.Copy !req
251. Now, you have a blessed day.Copy !req
252. Oh... Oh, no.Copy !req
253. We's all gathered hereCopy !req
254. to join this couple in holy matrimony.Copy !req
255. Yet another weddingCopy !req
256. I'm on this side of, Jeffrey.Copy !req
257. We's just waiting for his mama to die.Copy !req
258. We've written our own vows.Copy !req
259. Oh, no.Copy !req
260. Brian, I...
I haven't known you that long.Copy !req
261. But these past weeksCopy !req
262. I feel like you've given me
a lifetime of love.Copy !req
263. I vow to honor you and cherish youCopy !req
264. until the day I die,Copy !req
265. a week from Wednesday.Copy !req
266. I'm so happy to place this ringCopy !req
267. on the weird dog thumb you have
halfway up your arm.Copy !req
268. Jess, I wish we had
a million years together.Copy !req
269. But what we have is this moment,Copy !req
270. and I wouldn't trade it for anything.Copy !req
271. With this ring, I vow to honor
you and cherish you...Copy !req
272. for the rest of the month.Copy !req
273. Ma'am, do you take this doggie
to be your husband?Copy !req
274. I do.Copy !req
275. Yay!Copy !req
276. How about you, doggie?Copy !req
277. Samesies?Copy !req
278. - I do.
- Yay, again!Copy !req
279. By the power bottom vested in me,Copy !req
280. I now pronounce y'all husband and wife.Copy !req
281. Kiss!Copy !req
282. Aw.Copy !req
283. Everyone! Your attention, please!Copy !req
284. Dr. Gravitas?Copy !req
285. That's right.Copy !req
286. I want to give you two your first gift.Copy !req
287. These are your latest
test results, Jess.Copy !req
288. And they're remarkable.Copy !req
289. Meaning what?Copy !req
290. Meaning Jess... is going to live.Copy !req
291. Brian, we really
will be together forever.Copy !req
292. Forever and ever and ever!Copy !req
293. Can you believe this?Copy !req
294. What?Copy !req
295. Jess is gonna live.Copy !req
296. I-I'm sorry, I took a-a muscle
relaxer this morning.Copy !req
297. Tinazidine.Copy !req
298. Before you drove here?Copy !req
299. Yeah, I took half of one
before I got in the car.Copy !req
300. And then another half at a red light.Copy !req
301. It's fine, it's Tinazidine.Copy !req
302. I-I might take another half.Copy !req
303. You want a half?Copy !req
304. Oh, no.Copy !req
305. Come on. It was prescribed by a doctorCopy !req
306. to a guy named John SelvaggioCopy !req
307. who has a mailbox that he can't
see from his front yard.Copy !req
308. It's Tinazidine.Copy !req
309. Stop saying what it is.Copy !req
310. the white, plastic pouch
in your neighbor's mailboxCopy !req
311. that might be three months of drugs.Copy !req
312. Oh, my God. It is so incredibleCopy !req
313. having my appetite back.Copy !req
314. Mm.Copy !req
315. I love you.Copy !req
316. Ah, shrimp.Copy !req
317. It's like I'm a baby bird.Copy !req
318. This turn me on, too.Copy !req
319. Brian, did you hear that?Copy !req
320. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
321. Remember what the doctor said?Copy !req
322. Flatulence means my digestive
system is working again.Copy !req
323. Oh, my God, I must have, like,Copy !req
324. six months worth
of cancer-farts built up.Copy !req
325. Would you stop farting, please?Copy !req
326. This is a nice hotel.Copy !req
327. Okay, that's the last box.Copy !req
328. Aw, you're so glad to be back
with me, aren't you?Copy !req
329. Mommy was so sadCopy !req
330. when she had to put you all
up for adoption.Copy !req
331. Yes, she was.Copy !req
332. Ooh, I'm going straight to the kitchenCopy !req
333. to make my favorite meal
in a tiny apartment:Copy !req
334. microwaved salmon.Copy !req
335. Welcome back, Brian.Copy !req
336. That's Lou,Copy !req
337. the apartment manager
from when Brian moved out.Copy !req
338. Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit.Copy !req
339. What?Copy !req
340. That's my thing I say, remember?Copy !req
341. Oh. Uh, no.Copy !req
342. I-I can't imagine anyone does.Copy !req
343. Hey, listen, thanks for renting to usCopy !req
344. even though we have ten cats and
couldn't make the deposit.Copy !req
345. Spent, uh, pretty much
every last penny on our wedding.Copy !req
346. Dead broke.Copy !req
347. Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit.Copy !req
348. So, Bri, this...Copy !req
349. So, Bri, this is once again
your hellhole.Copy !req
350. I was going to help you move inCopy !req
351. but you don't really
own anything, do you?Copy !req
352. Yeah, we didn't bother
to register for giftsCopy !req
353. because she was supposed to die!Copy !req
354. I must say, she's looking... healthy.Copy !req
355. Putting those Juicy pants to the test.Copy !req
356. Stewie, I've got to get out of this.Copy !req
357. You were right all along, okay?Copy !req
358. I'm not ready to be married.Copy !req
359. I-I gotta... I gotta get a divorce.Copy !req
360. Oh, that'll go over well
after you paradedCopy !req
361. your "great love" around town.Copy !req
362. Which reminds me, your
follow-up Tom Tucker profileCopy !req
363. is coming on now.Copy !req
364. We got countless lettersCopy !req
365. after our profile of the Cancer GirlCopy !req
366. who won her sweetheart's paw
in marriage.Copy !req
367. Turns out their story
has a very happy ending.Copy !req
368. Due to audio issues, the
following footage is subtitled.Copy !req
369. Brian, look.Copy !req
370. - Holy...
- I know.Copy !req
371. My hair's growing back.Copy !req
372. What do you think?Copy !req
373. You look like a baby doll
found in hurricane rubble.Copy !req
374. Aw, I'm your baby doll.Copy !req
375. I'll get it.Copy !req
376. Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit?Copy !req
377. Nothing?Copy !req
378. Oh, hey, Helen. What are you doing here?Copy !req
379. Coming to live with you, like
you asked me to at the wedding.Copy !req
380. Are-are you watching HBO?Copy !req
381. I'm a Christian woman, Brian.Copy !req
382. Cancel HBO now.Copy !req
383. We can spend the extra moneyCopy !req
384. on the big photos of fetuses I holdCopy !req
385. while I yell at people outside Panera.Copy !req
386. Mom, guess what?Copy !req
387. My farts are back.Copy !req
388. Mine never went away.Copy !req
389. Oh, man.Copy !req
390. - Uh-huh.
- So the crazy ex-girlfriendCopy !req
391. - sings this hilarious song.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
392. It's all about how
she's having her period,Copy !req
393. but the other guy
she wanted to impress...Copy !req
394. The one who created
the social media app...Copy !req
395. He walks in while she's singing,Copy !req
396. so now he's not into her, either.Copy !req
397. Uh-huh.Copy !req
398. - Will you get me more salsa?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
399. Brian.Copy !req
400. Will you get me more salsa?Copy !req
401. Huh? Sorry. Got it.Copy !req
402. They only had mild.Copy !req
403. Well, I'm sorry it's so disgusting,Copy !req
404. but that's all they have.Copy !req
405. Oh, you're gonna die if you
have to eat mild salsa?Copy !req
406. Come on.Copy !req
407. Wait, are you... Oh, my G...Copy !req
408. Oh, my God, are you choking?Copy !req
409. She's... Someone... I don't...Copy !req
410. Heimlich maneuver.Copy !req
411. How do you do the Heimlich maneuver?Copy !req
412. Come on, come on.Copy !req
413. Damn it. I've got one song
by Haim on my phone?Copy !req
414. And every time I try to type
"Heimlich", it...Copy !req
415. Oh, my God. Somebody call 911!Copy !req
416. Damn it, Fox.Copy !req
417. That's not an invitation
to ruin our momentCopy !req
418. to expand your media empire.Copy !req
419. Son of Zorn.Copy !req
420. Ha.Copy !req
421. I'd like to thank you all for comingCopy !req
422. to honor the memory
of my beloved wife Jess...Copy !req
423. Uh...Copy !req
424. I'm sorry, I'm just realizing
I never caught her last name.Copy !req
425. - Schlotz.
- Yikes.Copy !req
426. It was my husband's name.Copy !req
427. What's your maiden name?Copy !req
428. Borgwort.Copy !req
429. That's also bad.Copy !req
430. Look, all I want to say is...Copy !req
431. I always knew this day was coming.Copy !req
432. But what I didn't know was...Copy !req
433. just how much I was gonna miss Jess.Copy !req
434. I would give anythingCopy !req
435. if she were still here with me.Copy !req
436. I'm okay.Copy !req
437. It's a miracle!Copy !req