1. Hey, great idea bringing
the couch out here
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2. from your den, Peter.
Yeah, Lois and I
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3. dragged it out here last night
for a little hump sesh,
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4. so I figured I'd let it dry.
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5. "Couch." That's
one of those words
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6. that if you say it over and over
it starts to sound silly.
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7. Joe, you need to take
a class on small talk.
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8. You're not gonna believe
this— I'm in one.
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9. It sure is cloudy today.
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10. Good. You could have
also responded to Janet,
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11. who said her son died.
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12. I'm sorry your son died
on such a cloudy day.
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13. All right, kids,
here's your bacon.
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14. I call the paper towel!
Aw, damn it!
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15. Ha-ha! You got to move fast
when Meg's at the table, Brian.
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16. All right, well, I get the box
when we have pizza for dinner.
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17. Uh-uh. It
doesn't work that way.
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18. You got to call it
when it's happening.
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19. Good morning, family.
I'll be out front
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20. with the guys
if anybody needs me.
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21. Peter, I thought
we were gonna try
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22. to get the garden going
again today.
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23. I know, sweetie, but then
I realized how stupid that is.
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24. Okay, bye. You guys
are my everything.
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25. Why'd you ever marry him?
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26. Believe it or not, he used to
look like a young Gene Hackman.
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27. That's... that-that's
not even good.
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28. It's gone!
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29. What? What's gone?
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30. Our drinking couch!
Somebody must've stole it!
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31. You left a couch
out on the curb?
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32. Well, somebody probably thought
it was trash and took it.
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33. You said you were gonna bring
the couch right back in!
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34. What were you thinking?
I'll tell you what I was thinking.
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35. I was thinking we lived
in a safe neighborhood.
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36. But apparently,
I was wrong!
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37. Wait, you're saying
you were wr-wr...
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38. wr-wro...
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39. wr-wrrr...
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40. Oh, I get it—
the Fonz can't say "wrong."
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41. No, Peter, he's 70—
he's having a stroke.
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42. Wow, Peter, I think
starting a community watch
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43. is a great idea.
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44. Yeah, I even got shirts
made up for us.
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45. This is quality work.
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46. Where did you get these?
Via the Web?
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47. Hey, listen, Joe, um,
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48. you think you
can get us all guns?
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49. No, Peter,
they're too dangerous.
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50. Besides, you can't
just go get a gun,
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51. you have to be certified
in gun safety,
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52. go through an extensive
background screening process.
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53. Got 'em.
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54. Whoa. How'd you
get 'em so quick?
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55. Eh, it was easy— like
pressing that "easy" button
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56. at the office
supply store.
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57. Hey, thanks for all your help.
No problem.
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58. Why don't you go ahead
and hit the "easy" button.
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59. Okay.
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60. What did I just do?
Don't worry about it.
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61. Hey, Quagmire,
you're a sex guy.
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62. You watch any good,
uh... pornos lately?
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63. I mean...
I-I guess.
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64. So what's your pleasure?
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65. What kind of
movies you like?
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66. I don't know.
MILF stuff's kind of cool.
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67. What-what about you?
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68. Me? I have very
particular tastes.
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69. I like a soapy bottom.
What?
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70. Soft-core
soaped-up butts,
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71. like from a PG-13
camp movie.
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72. I can't get enough of it.
Drives me wild.
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73. Okay, let's talk
about something else.
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74. All right. Uh...
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75. it's kind of too cool
for the air-conditioner
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76. and too warm for
the heater, huh?
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77. Ah, got to walk
that boner off, huh?
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78. Yeah.
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79. Hey, guys, you
better come with me.
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80. There's some weird, big-nose
guy hiding in the bushes
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81. outside some
chick's house.
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82. "My heart always
timidly hides itself
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83. behind my mind."
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84. "I set out
to bring down stars
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85. from the sky..."
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86. "Ow. Ow.
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87. "Oh, my God,
four men are beating me.
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88. "My arm.
I think it is broken.
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89. "Who are you guys?
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90. "Why? Why?
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91. "I'll give you anything if
you would only stop hitting me.
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92. "Please stop pulling my nose.
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93. "It is not fake.
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94. "I think I am dying.
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95. Please take me to the hospital."
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96. Your words have bewitched me.
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97. I need your arms around me.
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98. Come to
my chamber at once.
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99. "Come to my chamber
at once."
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100. And bring pound cake.
"And bring pound cake."
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101. Peter, please
come to bed.
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102. Enough of the
community watch.
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103. We live on a very
safe street.
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104. Lois, you wouldn't believe
the things we see out there.
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105. There was a kid riding his bike
while holding a tennis racket.
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106. For real.
Come on! Let's fool around,
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107. or watch a movie,
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108. or finally click that
"Crackle" icon on the TV.
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109. Lois, I am
an unelected vigilante,
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110. and I take my job
very seriously.
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111. Like Serious George.
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112. Hey, George, want
to go to the park?
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113. Uh, thank you, but no.
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114. It's a beautiful day—
lots of mischief to get into.
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115. I don't doubt that,
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116. but as you can see,
I'm pretty busy.
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117. I'm trying to get
a head start on my taxes.
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118. Oh, I see— trying
to figure out a way
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119. to deduct bananas?
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120. Ah. 'Cause I eat
bananas. Terrific.
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121. Hey, your inside,
so don't wear a hat.
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122. Unless you're leaving,
which would be terrific also.
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123. What the hell? Hey, you!
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124. Step away from that table.
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125. Brain fart. Window. Sorry.
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126. Hold it right there!
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127. I'm warning you!
Hands where I could see 'em.
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128. Cleveland Jr.?
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129. Mr. Griffin! You shot me!
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130. Oh, my God!
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131. Peter, where are you?
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132. Peter? Okay, I'm starting
The Good Wife without you.
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133. Phew! Heh.
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134. Unlike you,
I just dodged a bullet.
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135. Okay, next is the...
brown family.
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136. Oh. Oh, my goodness.
I'm-I'm so sorry.
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137. Sometimes I write
descriptions of my patients
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138. to help me
remember them.
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139. No, it's okay.
Our last name is Brown.
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140. Oh, okay. Phew.
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141. Ah, then this must be
"Chubster Dumb-Dumb."
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142. I'm sorry, sir. No visitors.
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143. Excuse me, I'll have you know
I'm the shooter!
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144. So, uh, how's he doing?
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145. "How's he doing"?
How do you think he's doing!
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146. You shot my son!
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147. Look, Cleveland,
I-I'm real sorry.
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148. I thought someone was breaking
into your house, and I panicked.
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149. It was dark. I-I...
I don't know why
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150. he didn't just say
it was him.
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151. I couldn't hear you.
I was listening to music,
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152. I went to turn it down,
and the next thing I know.
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153. you shot me!
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154. Why the hell were you
climbing in the window
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155. of your own house
anyway?
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156. My dad says opening the door
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157. lets out too much
air-conditioning.
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158. I already have a bullet
in my son,
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159. I don't need one
in my wallet.
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160. You wouldn't have fired
that gun if he was white!
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161. That's not true—
I'll shoot anybody.
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162. Joe, give me
your gun.
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163. Here you go...
Hey, wait a second!
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164. Look, let's all just calm down.
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165. Calm down?
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166. I want this racist
out the room,
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167. and I want him arrested!
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168. Racist? I put these
gloves on for everybody.
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169. Oh, oh, you're
talking to him.
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170. Look, the police department has
deemed the shooting accidental.
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171. Given the circumstances,
Peter was within his rights
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172. to fire his weapon.
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173. And what about my son's rights
not to be shot?
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174. Look, Cleveland...
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175. Lat... Latisha?
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176. I thought he had a gun.
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177. I'd never want to do anything
to hurt you or your family.
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178. You're my friend.
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179. I was your friend.
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180. Now, get out of here!
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181. You're nothing but
a worthless bigot!
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182. Wow, I really messed up.
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183. I haven't felt this bad since
I drove by that speed sign.
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184. Aw...
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185. Hey, does anybody know
if Cleveland's coming by?
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186. I was hoping to apologize
and collect his deposit
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187. for the community watch shirts.
I talked to him earlier.
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188. He, uh, he doesn't want
to be anywhere near you.
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189. Hey, look— they're talking
about the shooting.
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190. Good evening.
Two nights ago
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191. there was a shooting right here
in our own backyard.
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192. The victim: a 14-year-old boy
named Cleveland Brown Jr.
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193. Joining me tonight is
his father, Cleveland Brown.
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194. So that's not really Quahog?
It's just a big picture?
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195. Now, Mr. Brown, I understand
you're trying to get the police
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196. to reopen the investigation.
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197. That's right, Tom.
My family and I believe
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198. this shooting was a hate crime,
and we'd like to see Mr. Griffin
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199. held accountable
for his actions.
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200. Hate crime? That's crazy!
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201. I love all people!
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202. I love blacks, I love Asians...
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203. hell, I even love
gay Aborigines.
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204. Wow, this is
just great, Peter.
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205. Everyone in town
hates us now.
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206. The cashier at the grocery store
told her to "push on,"
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207. and then
she snapped her fingers,
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208. and now I think she's my new
favorite lady in the world.
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209. I don't understand.
I'm not a racist.
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210. It's well documented
that my dream three-way
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211. is S. Epatha Merkerson
and CCH Pounder.
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212. S., this is CCH.
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213. CCH, this is S.
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214. It is my intention
that we conduct this
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215. with both sexiness
and dignity.
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216. Peter, this is a
hot-button issue.
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217. I mean, you shot an
African-American kid.
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218. Of course this isn't
just gonna go away.
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219. Well, there's got to be something
I can do to make things right.
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220. I'll just have to prove to everybody
that I'm not a racist.
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221. How are you gonna do that?
Well, for starters,
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222. I'm gonna head over
to the YMCA.
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223. There's nothing
black guys like more
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224. than out-of-shape
indoor-basketball white guys.
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225. Hey! I'm trying
my best here.
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226. And trying is
what matters most of all.
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227. You're right, Peter.
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228. We need to give
you a chance,
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229. no matter what
color your skin is.
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230. Come on, let's
play some ball.
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231. "... and then Peter and his
new friends went for ice cream."
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232. The end.
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233. Okay, kids, are your parents
out of the room?
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234. Good. Let's get back
to Sloppy Floppers magazine.
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235. What are you doing?
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236. Lois, to show I'm in touch
with what it's like
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237. to be African-American,
I am gonna go to the middle
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238. of the town square, get naked
and paint myself brown.
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239. No, no, that's
offensive.
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240. You can't pretend
to be black.
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241. That's a stupid idea.
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242. What?
It's a stupid idea!
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243. You're a stupid man!
A stupid, stupid man!
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244. Ow, you're hurting me!
Stop it, stop it, Lois!
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245. No! I'm so sick
of your crap.
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246. Why do you always
do these stupid things?
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247. And why do you always announce
them to me before you do them?
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248. Are you trying
to get a rise out of me?
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249. Are you happy now?
Is this what you want?
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250. Oh, no,
it's not what I want!
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251. It's not what I want.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
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252. It's never been this bad before.
What do we do?
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253. What we always do.
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254. I'm in charge of my head—
that much I know!
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255. What the hell
are you doing on my property?
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256. Look, it's time we
bury the hatchet.
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257. So I brought a bottle
of your favorite booze.
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258. Now let's just have a drink
and put this all behind us.
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259. I don't want
nothing from you.
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260. Well, hold on,
I got something else.
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261. Cigars. We can smoke 'em
together, all happy,
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262. like a bunch of douche bags
outside a wedding.
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263. Peter, get out of here.
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264. I'm never gonna forgive you
for what you did.
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265. Aw, come on.
This'll change your mind.
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266. Oh, my God!
Quick, do something!
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267. It's not working.
Get rid of it!
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268. Get your family
out of that house!
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269. If they don't leave,
they'll die.
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270. Round up your family
and get out
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271. or you're all
gonna be sorry.
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272. Get out, now!
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273. See, kids, I told you
we'd make friends here.
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274. I guess me getting transferred
by the Xerox Corporation
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275. wasn't the worst thing
after all.
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276. Oh, thank God, Joe.
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277. Are you here to give me the
deposit for the shirts?
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278. No, Peter, I'm here to place you
under arrest
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279. for the attempted murder
of Cleveland Junior.
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280. What are you talkin' about?
You know it was an accident.
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281. Yeah, but let's just say,
public opinion has shifted.
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282. And the boys upstairs said
they can no longer ignore it.
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283. Who the hell are
the "boys upstairs?"
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284. I have no idea.
There's no elevator.
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285. But whoever they are,
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286. they're pretty steamed
about this whole thing.
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287. Peter, what-what's
going on?
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288. They're taking me to jail!
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289. Oh, my God!
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290. Don't worry, Dad!
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291. I'll send you a cake
with a file in it!
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292. These are just the owner manuals
for all our kitchen appliances.
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293. Well, guess I finally have time
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294. to learn to reset the clock
on the coffee maker.
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295. He never did.
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296. You're-you're, uh...
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297. you're not gonna
rape me, are you?
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298. Of course I'm not
gonna rape you.
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299. I'm gonna make you
fall in love with me.
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300. Then... we'll
see what happens.
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301. Oh, no.
It's already working.
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302. Griffin, you have a visitor.
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303. Carter? What are
you doing here?
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304. Hello, Griffin.
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305. I'd like to talk to you
about these charges
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306. that have been
brought against you.
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307. Why don't we go somewhere
a little more private?
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308. I, uh, guess I'll see you
in a little bit?
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309. It's gonna feel
like an eternity.
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310. How is it that I'm only
just now meeting you?
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311. Look, Carter, you
got to believe me.
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312. I didn't shoot Cleveland
Junior because he was black!
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313. Hey, you don't have
to tell me that.
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314. But the media's out there
making you look like a monster,
Copy !req
315. all for exercising
your constitutional rights.
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316. Grover's a monster.
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317. But don't worry.
We're gonna get you out of this.
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318. I'll be damned
if I'm gonna sit back
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319. and let them do this
to one of my own.
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320. What, you mean your family?
Huh?
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321. Oh, yeah, yeah, that.
Yeah, right.
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322. Look, I'm gonna
bail you out of here,
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323. set you up with my lawyer,
and get these charges dropped.
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324. Well, how you gonna do that?
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325. Don't worry.
I'll come up with a good story,
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326. and they'll eat it up.
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327. Not like when I read
my JAG fan fiction
Copy !req
328. at the NCIS convention.
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329. "JAG stood up and yelled,
Copy !req
330. "'Objection, Your Honor,
by Navy law.'
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331. "He then turned
to the lady lawyer,
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332. "the gal from the October Maxim,
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333. "who still managed to be hot
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334. "despite her sexless,
pageboy haircut.
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335. Or perhaps because of it."
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336. Boo!
Terrible!
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337. Right branch of the military,
wrong investigative arm!
Copy !req
338. And I was trying to
get back into my house,
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339. and my neighbor,
Mr. Griffin, shot me.
Copy !req
340. He said
he felt threatened by me,
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341. and that hurt even worse
than getting shot!
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342. Aw!
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343. Your Honor, permission
to hug the witness?
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344. Granted.
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345. Don't worry,
Mr. Griffin.
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346. You're every bit
as sympathetic
Copy !req
347. as this chubby-cheeked
cocoa angel.
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348. I haven't been listening.
What's goin' on?
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349. I don't think it's
lost on any of us
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350. that the laws are
written on white paper.
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351. Yeah, white paper.
Check your jacket pocket.
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352. "I don't think it's
lost on any of us
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353. that the laws are
written on white paper."
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354. Hey, look,
I'm just saying,
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355. it's no surprise that
justice isn't colorblind.
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356. Check your other
jacket pocket.
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357. "Hey, look, I'm just saying
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358. it's no surprise that
justice isn't colorblind."
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359. Stewie, you're a jerk!
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360. Check Chris' pocket.
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361. What? There's nothing
in here, and...
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362. Oh, God, the bottom of the
pocket's been cut out!
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363. Thanks, Brian!
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364. I was the mastermind
behind this whole thing!
Copy !req
365. Your witness.
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366. All right, watch this.
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367. This is where we take control
of the situation.
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368. Mr. Brown, you testified
that you were listening to music
Copy !req
369. at the time of the shooting.
Copy !req
370. That's right.
Copy !req
371. And isn't Jay-Z music?
Yes.
Copy !req
372. And doesn't he have the lyrics,
"I put the gun to you.
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373. "I'll kill ya, I'll chop ya up,
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374. put ya inside the mattress
like drug money"?
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375. I was listening
to Neil Sedaka's Hanukkah album.
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376. And isn't true
that your last name
Copy !req
377. is the same
as Chris Brown's?
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378. Yes, but I don't see what—
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379. And what did Chris Brown
do to Rihanna?
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380. He hit her, like,
a hundred times.
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381. Your Honor, I'd like
to enter into evidence
Copy !req
382. this photo of a
badly beaten Rihanna
Copy !req
383. as well as this print ad
for the Entourage movie.
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384. Why?
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385. I can't unsee this!
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386. Who is this for?
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387. What's he doing?
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388. He's making Cleveland Jr.
look like a thug.
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389. I know.
That's the idea.
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390. You don't want to go
back to jail, do you?
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391. I don't know.
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392. Maybe.
Copy !req
393. Mr. Brown, please
pick up this knife.
Copy !req
394. Aah!
He's got a knife!
Copy !req
395. This isn't fair!
Copy !req
396. They're making my son
look like a common hoodlum!
Copy !req
397. Joe, you're a cop!
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398. Do something!
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399. No, the soap
covers everything.
Copy !req
400. You might see, like, the
very top of the crack,
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401. but that's-that's
not what it's about.
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402. How do you sleep
at night?
Copy !req
403. Propped up on pillows,
on account of my fat throat.
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404. If I lay flat on
my back, I die.
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405. I need pillows
between my thighs myself.
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406. And this friendship
is over!
Copy !req
407. Thanks for letting me
sit in the back.
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408. I was flipping people
off the whole way.
Copy !req
409. Get out of here,
all of you!
Copy !req
410. My son didn't do
anything wrong!
Copy !req
411. Carter, I think this has
all kind of gone too far.
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412. What do you think
you're doing?
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413. I'm gonna make this right.
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414. Everyone!
Everyone!
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415. Listen, I have
something to say.
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416. Cleveland Jr. doesn't
deserve any of this.
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417. All those things you heard
about Cleveland Jr. were lies.
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418. He didn't do anything to me.
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419. He's a good kid,
from a good family.
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420. I just got scared,
and I did something stupid.
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421. I swear, it had nothing to do
with the color of his skin,
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422. but... I did shoot him.
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423. I deserve to be held
responsible for my actions.
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424. Even if that means
going to jail.
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425. You heard him,
other cops.
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426. Let's take him in.
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427. He doesn't know
our names, does he?
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428. I don't think he does.
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429. Wait a minute.
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430. Peter didn't shoot my son.
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431. I did.
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432. Peter was just taking
the blame for me.
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433. He's a good friend.
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434. Eh, Mr. Brown,
what exactly are you saying?
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435. I'm saying that I,
Cleveland Brown,
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436. a black man,
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437. shot Cleveland Brown, Jr.,
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438. another black man.
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439. Wait, wh-where
did everybody go?
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440. You want to make
the media go away?
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441. Just mention
black-on-black crime.
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442. Boy, the world
we live in, huh?
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443. Brian, reach into
Meg's pocket.
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444. Go ahead, Brian.
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445. I-I-I don't want to.
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446. Cleveland,
why did you do that?
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447. Peter, since this is about
racism, why don't we take
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448. a slow, hands-clasped-behind-
the-back walk together?
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449. Listen, I know you wouldn't
have shot Cleveland Jr.
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450. on account of his race.
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451. You shot him because
you're stupid.
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452. That's all
I'm trying to say!
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453. And I know you don't
have hate in your heart.
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454. You were willing to go to jail
for shooting my son.
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455. You took responsibility.
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456. That's what's important.
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457. So... you forgive me?
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458. Of course I do.
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459. Oh, thanks, Cleveland.
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460. Hey, how you
feeling there, champ?
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461. I'm good.
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462. Getting better
every day.
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463. Aw, I'm happy
to hear that.
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464. Look, I-I hope
you know I'm sorry.
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465. Hey, these things happen.
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466. That's my boy.
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467. Mr. Griffin?
Yeah?
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468. Just so you know,
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469. I'm gonna be coming
for your ass.
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470. Wh-What's that now?
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471. I'm saying it's on!
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472. You ever feel the cool steel
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473. of a switchblade
pressed against your temple?
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474. He Mr. Griffin,
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475. I'm just kidding.
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476. Or am I?
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477. You're gonna wonder about that,
you fat bitch.
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478. See you later!
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