1. It's that time of year again.
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2. Are you a New England dirtbag
who wants to run with bulls,
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3. but thinks Spain is gay?
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4. Then don't miss
the Seriously Wicked Bull Run
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5. in South Attleboro, Mass!
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6. You and your friends can run
from a bunch live bulls,
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7. and lots of times, there's a
chick whose boob comes out.
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8. Order your tickets
before it too late!
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9. Toilets limited.
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10. Wow, that seems
pretty cool.
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11. Nah, I don't know.
Seems pretty lame to me.
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12. Yeah, waste of time.
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13. I agree.
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14. Hey Joe,
isn't this your round?
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15. Sure.
I'll wheel over to the bar
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16. and bring back your beers
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17. one by one in my lap.
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18. You guys, we are
so doing that bull run.
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19. Buying the tickets as we speak!
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20. But we can't tell Joe.
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21. Of course not,
he'll be dead weight.
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22. You can't do a bull run
with a guy in a wheelchair.
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23. Yeah, this is for athletes.
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24. Just the regular wash, please.
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25. And, uh, I'm supposed to mention
that I saw you on LivingSocial?
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26. Was that worth it?
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27. Was that worth the
one dollar you saved?
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28. I'm sorry, we're not doing
that promotion anymore.
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29. Oh-ho!
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30. All the humiliation,
none of the reward.
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31. You know, some people are okay
with the drive-through car wash.
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32. Me, I'm a fan of the hand job.
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33. Hi, I'm Brian.
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34. Yes, I like to have fun
with language.
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35. You're so funny.
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36. I'm Tori.
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37. I got hit by a car
in high school,
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38. so I don't have to work.
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39. Cool. Hey, so what's
your afternoon like?
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40. I don't have plans.
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41. Maybe we could grab lunch
and then see what happens.
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42. This will not end well.
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43. Like eating an artichoke.
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44. Good Lord!
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45. I ate nothing and I'm
soaking wet for some reason.
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46. So, you guys all pumped
to run with the bulls?
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47. You bet, this is gonna be
my first exercise
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48. since I chased that balloon.
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49. Hey, what's going on?
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50. Hey, Joe.
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51. We are competing...
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52. in the international Chef
Boyardee look-alike contest.
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53. Oh, well,
where's your chef hat?
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54. You guys are gonna lose.
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55. Especially Cleveland.
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56. He's in the Cream of Wheat
competition,
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57. which is down the street.
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58. We-we got to go now.
We're very late.
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59. Well, this is funny, because...
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60. guess where I'm going.
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61. And I got the hat.
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62. You guys are dead!
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63. Look, Joe.
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64. We didn't want to tell
you, but we're going
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65. to the Seriously
Wicked Bull Run.
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66. We didn't invite you because we
didn't think you could keep up.
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67. Yeah, we thought it seemed
too dangerous for, uh,
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68. incapacitated, half-man,
shrivel-legged gimps.
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69. And we didn't want
to hurt your feelings.
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70. Come on, my handicap
has never held me back.
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71. I'm coming with you guys.
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72. Joe, you peed in your bag
while you said that.
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73. Can you honestly say
that you didn't pee
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74. just now while you
were talking?
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75. Okay, you can come.
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76. Wow, that was amazing.
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77. Hey, uh, uh,
just to be clear,
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78. I don't really
think you're a whore.
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79. I-I just need to say that
to, you know, to finish.
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80. Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, of course.
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81. And obviously, I don't think
you're my Uncle Dale.
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82. Good, good, same page.
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83. Oh, crap,
my husband's home early.
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84. Wait a minute,
you're married?
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85. And he's here?
Now?
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86. Yeah, that's him.
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87. You've got to get out of here.
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88. He's really jealous.
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89. I think he's bitter
because he never got
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90. the credit he deserved
for killing Osama bin Laden.
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91. Your husband's a Navy SEAL?
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92. What the hell
is going on here?
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93. What is this?
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94. Ruff!
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95. You got a dog?
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96. Uh... yeah!
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97. I rescued him
from the pound.
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98. Well, hey there, buddy.
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99. Wow, his nose is super wet!
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100. He must be healthy.
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101. Uh, and somebody's been
rooting in a sardine can.
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102. Well, I'm gonna
grab a shower.
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103. Great, honey.
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104. Oh. Oh, my God,
that was close.
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105. Yeah, but think about it.
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106. As long as he thinks
you're our new pet,
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107. we can keep fooling
around behind his back.
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108. Huh, you're right.
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109. Wow, this could be
an even better scam
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110. than that claw machine
at the arcade.
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111. Damn it, this game is so stupid!
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112. It's impossible to do anything
with a dumb, crappy claw!
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113. Hey, that's mean,
and it's not even true!
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114. I'm leaving!
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115. Dang it!
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116. You need a little help?
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117. No!
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118. If you could angle up the ring,
then I could kind of hook it.
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119. How do you drive?
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120. Bad!
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121. We clearly overdressed.
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122. They have the type
of fat white woman here
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123. that not even
I am interested in.
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124. Ladies, gentlemen,
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125. and alternative high school
graduates,
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126. get ready to run for your lives!
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127. Aah! I shouldn't
have worn high heels!
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128. Oh, stop it!
You look great.
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129. Oh, well, I didn't
want all this attention.
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130. Cleveland, why do you let them
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131. talk you into these things?
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132. This is how
people pleasers die!
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133. Hey, guys, after this,
let's beat alligators
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134. with sticks or something.
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135. You read my mind!
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136. We just talked about this!
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137. This is amazing!
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138. I told you guys I could do it!
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139. Look... out...
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140. Joe...!
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141. Joe, oh, my God!
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142. Are you all right?
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143. I can't feel anything
below my neck!
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144. I can't move a muscle, guys!
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145. Oh, my God!
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146. Joe's completely
paralyzed!
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147. Oop, that's me.
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148. That's unfortunate.
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149. That's Lois, hold on.
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150. Hey, babe.
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151. Uh, good.
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152. Little hiccup, but fun.
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153. You guys!
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154. I've been trying to keep
my birthday a secret.
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155. No, Dr. Hartman, we're not
here for your birthday.
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156. We're here for Joe.
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157. Don't sugarcoat it, Doc.
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158. Just give it to me straight.
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159. Well, Mr. Swanson, I did
an exploratory procedure,
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160. which revealed extensive damage.
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161. Please, just tell me—
am I completely paralyzed?
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162. I'm afraid...
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163. of ghosts.
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164. And yes.
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165. Mr. Swanson
has lost all movement,
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166. and will require
around-the-clock care.
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167. Most of it disgusting.
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168. Oh, my God, Bonnie,
I'm so sorry.
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169. If there's anything
I can do...
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170. There actually is.
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171. Could you collect
my mail forever?
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172. I'm leaving Joe
and moving to Europe.
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173. I didn't sign up for this.
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174. Bonnie, wait!
God, this is awful.
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175. What am I gonna do?
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176. Well, seems like you folks
have this all taken care of.
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177. Surprise!
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178. Oh, you guys!
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179. Hey, don't go in
that room back there.
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180. It's, like,
super sad.
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181. Coming up, quintuplets
born at Quahog General.
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182. What?
That's...
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183. Oh, that's supposed
to be "burn"?
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184. Oh, coming up, quintuplets
burn at Quahog General.
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185. Hey, honey, get in here.
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186. Check this out—
the way he's sitting,
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187. it looks like the dog's
watching the news.
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188. You like watching the
news, you dumb dog?
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189. Well, I'm off to do what
former Navy SEALs do—
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190. sell lawnmowers.
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191. Wow, he really
has no idea.
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192. Hey, want to take
a shower with me?
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193. Sure.
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194. Man, this is a pretty sweet gig.
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195. Like being a member
of Daft Punk.
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196. Look at this old Casio keyboard
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197. from the 1980s
that I have found.
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198. Watch what happens
when I push this demo button.
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199. Hello, Daft Punk?
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200. Great song.
Here's a Grammy.
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201. Oh-ho-ho!
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202. You know, is funny.
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203. Until you spoke, I did
not know we were French!
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204. There you go, Joe.
All settled.
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205. Now, which wall
would you like to look at
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206. for the rest of your life?
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207. I don't know,
maybe that one.
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208. I-I have no idea
what you're pointing at, Joe.
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209. You got to meet us halfway.
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210. Look, guys, I don't want
to be a burden to anyone.
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211. You go ahead
and live your lives.
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212. I'll be fine.
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213. We can't just
leave you, Joe.
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214. So before we go, I'm gonna
put the remote in your mouth.
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215. Here's a can of chili.
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216. And the opener we'll put...
in your mouth.
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217. And here's a magazine I thought
you might like to read.
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218. I'm gonna put it
in your mouth.
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219. You're a good friend, Peter.
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220. Joe, I just wish
we could do more,
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221. but obviously your
mouth is full.
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222. And you probably don't want
any reminders of Bonnie
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223. around the house, so I cleared
out all of her underwear.
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224. Okay, don't be a stranger.
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225. Yeah, 'cause we're not
supposed to talk to those.
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226. I don't know, I'm not sure
I feel right about leaving Joe.
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227. Doesn't seem like he's gonna be
able to take care of himself.
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228. Yeah, we're-we're kind
of all he has now.
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229. What— Joe?
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230. What're you talking about?
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231. He's fine.
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232. Look, he's already watching
The Price Is Right in there.
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233. Oop, he's biting
too hard on the volume.
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234. Okay, you can play over there
in the sandbox, honey.
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235. Mommy's just gonna
read her book.
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236. Okay, I'm just gonna
walk 30 feet away,
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237. and then panic
because I can't see you.
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238. Can you fit me in
at 10:00 tomorrow?
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239. It's getting a little
long on the sides.
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240. Brian? What are you
doing on a leash?
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241. And who's that?
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242. Be cool.
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243. This is the guy whose
wife I'm banging.
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244. Oh, what a romantic way
to put it.
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245. Yeah, it's great.
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246. I just pretend
to be their dog,
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247. and then when he
leaves for work,
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248. I get to go to the pound,
if you know what I mean.
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249. God, Brian,
you are such a scumbag.
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250. I can't believe you—
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251. Mommy! Mommy!
Where's my Mommy?
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252. I have no one and nothing!
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253. I'm right here, honey.
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254. Oh, thank God.
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255. She's such a gross hog.
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256. Joe, you can't
just sit here.
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257. You need intellectual
stimulation.
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258. So I brought something
to read to you.
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259. It's the word search
from the Sunday Circular.
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260. "Kangaroo."
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261. Let's see if we
can find that one.
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262. "Outback."
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263. I think it's an
Australian theme.
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264. "Koala."
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265. It definitely is.
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266. Can't make out this one.
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267. "Abor... Aborgine...
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268. Aborgina"?
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269. That's what they call
eggplant down there.
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270. You know what?
Forget this.
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271. I'll just read
to you from Jet.
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272. Look, this whole page is
all the Wayans brothers
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273. sitting in different
positions.
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274. How you suppose they come up
with all them positions?
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275. You could give me
a million years.
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276. I just ain't
wired that way.
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277. Marlon's like
a rubber man.
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278. He can sit in
any kind of way.
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279. Here's Keenan telling the
younger ones how to sit.
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280. Like they
gonna listen.
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281. Damon's doing
his own thing.
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282. No surprise there.
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283. That's Damon.
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284. You enjoying
all this, Joe?
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285. I'm honestly
just glad it seems
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286. like you have
something you like.
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287. Hey, my laptop's
out of battery.
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288. You want to have sex?
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289. Sure, I've almost finished
my sandwich, anyway.
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290. Oh, come on, I don't want
to have to watch this.
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291. Yeah, that's right.
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292. I was the only one
who didn't get to meet Biden.
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293. You know what?
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294. Screw this.
I'm out of here.
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295. Ha! Skewered.
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296. Hey!
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297. Where do you think you're going?
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298. You're my dog.
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299. You're not going anywhere.
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300. Besides, I need you, boy.
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301. Now more than ever.
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302. I think my wife
is cheating on me.
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303. Hey, Tori, it's Brian.
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304. I'm getting
the Chinese food for us.
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305. I think I'm gonna order
some Me Like Bang Ho.
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306. That's-that's not a real thing,
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307. I'm talking about sex.
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308. All right,
I'll be there in five.
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309. Man, when I find
that son of a bitch,
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310. I'm gonna rip
his head off.
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311. God, what a nightmare.
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312. That guy's even scarier
than a thesaurus-asaurus.
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313. Tread, stomp, trudge.
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314. Growl, roar, ululate.
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315. Antonym— whisper.
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316. What's wrong with him?
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317. He's on the spectrum.
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318. "Spectrum"?
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319. In my day we'd
throw him in the army
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320. and have him
play the bugle.
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321. Peter, this just isn't working.
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322. We can't take
proper care of Joe.
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323. It's a huge amount of work
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324. and we don't have
any idea what we're doing.
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325. Quagmire's right.
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326. It's too much.
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327. I just think he'd
be better off
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328. under the care of grumpy,
Filipino nurses.
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329. Yeah, that's why
I looked into it,
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330. and we've reserved
a place for him
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331. at the State Home for
Mentals and Bastards.
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332. Oh, my God, sometimes
they whip them with hoses...
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333. outside?
This is perfect!
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334. Hi, I work here.
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335. I don't think
this guy works here.
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336. Hi, can I help you?
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337. Yeah, this is Joe Swanson.
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338. We arranged for a 9:15 dump-off?
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339. Go on, guys, get out of here.
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340. I'll be fine.
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341. Bye, Joe.
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342. Take care, man.
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343. See ya, Joe.
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344. Hold on, guys.
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345. There's one last thing
I got to say to my friend.
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346. Hey, Joe, you know
that movie you told me to watch
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347. that you said was
your favorite movie of all time,
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348. and you said
I had to watch it?
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349. Backdraft— you
finally watched it?
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350. Yeah.
Wasn't it great?
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351. I thought it was stupid.
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352. Take care, Joe.
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353. You know, tha-that state home we
left Joe in didn't seem so bad.
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354. Yeah, it's got
to be good.
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355. I mean, Napoleon Bonaparte
was there.
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356. Would the French people
let their boss walk around
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357. in stained underwear
trying to stab people
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358. if the place wasn't nice?
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359. Yeah, no, no,
y-you're right, you're right.
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360. Joe will get
much better care there.
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361. I still feel bad.
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362. Come on, you guys.
Joe's gonna be fine.
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363. He'll fit in great there.
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364. Not like when
I went to Hogwarts.
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365. Slytherin.
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366. Hufflepuff.
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367. Housing for registered
sex offenders!
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368. Aw.
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369. Oh, Tori, thank God.
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370. Listen, you got
to unchain me.
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371. Look what Vic did.
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372. Tell me about it.
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373. He's lost his mind.
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374. That's why I'm gonna go stay
with my mother in Baltimore
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375. and work at her wife's bar.
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376. Wait, what?
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377. Tori, come back!
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378. Damn it!
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379. Wow, shocker.
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380. Your gross hookup
from the car wash ended poorly?
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381. Stewie, thank God!
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382. How'd you find me?
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383. Well, you remember
when the vet knocked you out
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384. to take out that rotten tooth?
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385. He also put a tracking chip
in your neck.
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386. What? That's a total
violation of my rights!
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387. Heh, I like how you're
chained up in a yard
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388. and still trying
to pretend you're a guy.
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389. Look, you got to help me.
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390. Her husband's a maniac and the
only reason he hasn't killed me
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391. is because he thinks
I'm just his pet dog.
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392. Hmm, he's got
a padlock on here.
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393. But don't worry,
I'll figure something out.
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394. Well, hurry, 'cause I'm trapped
like a baseball announcer.
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395. And the count is two and two.
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396. Garcia steps
off the mound again,
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397. virtually guaranteeing
that my wife
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398. will be asleep when I get home.
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399. The big right-hander kicks
a little dirt and tosses
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400. the rosin bag as my children
grow up without me.
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401. Okay, and now a fan in the
stands is giving me the finger.
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402. I agree.
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403. Hey, I don't know
if you can hear it,
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404. but I'm peeing
in my coffee cup right now.
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405. There you are.
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406. Where the hell have you been?
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407. I got arrested for huckin'
a TV/VCR combo off the dam.
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408. Off the damn what?
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409. Off the damn overpass.
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410. Oh...
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411. God, I love you, Lois.
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412. That was like great sex.
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413. But seriously,
it-it was bad.
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414. It hit a school bus.
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415. Oh, my God!
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416. Well-well, can you
go talk to Joe?
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417. Maybe he can put in a word for
you down at the police station.
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418. Yeah, yeah, Joe, yeah, may—
yeah, maybe, maybe.
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419. Do you, uh, you-you
want a back rub?
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420. Peter, what's going on?
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421. Uh, what do you mean?
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422. Whenever you offer
me a back rub,
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423. it means you're
hiding something.
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424. You, uh, you-you
want a back rub?
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425. We may or may not
have put Joe
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426. in a smelly home
for the goofy.
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427. What? Peter, those places
are a horror show!
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428. Joe's your friend!
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429. How could you treat
him like that?
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430. We just couldn't handle him
being fully paralyzed.
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431. We didn't know what else to do.
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432. But you're right.
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433. We got to get him out of there.
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434. You most certainly do.
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435. All right, how about
that back rub now?
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436. What are you, nuts?
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437. What the hell do you want?
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438. Oh, hello, sir.
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439. I'm afraid there's
been a mistake.
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440. I believe you found our dog,
and we need to take him home.
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441. No way!
Get lost, kid.
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442. He's my dog now.
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443. Well, we figured
you'd say no to us,
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444. but not to Vice President
Joe Biden!
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445. Oh, my God!
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446. Mr. Vice President!
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447. First, I want
to thank you, Vic,
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448. for shooting the guy
we said was Osama bin Laden.
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449. Second, give these kids
their dog back.
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450. Of course, sir,
I'm so sorry!
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451. Here, take him!
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452. Thank you.
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453. You're a great American.
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454. Thanks, Mr. Biden!
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455. No problem.
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456. Hey, you guys watch Veep?
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457. No.
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458. Yeah, it's all fake.
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459. Yeah, we said no.
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460. Hi, uh, we're here
to pick up Joe Swanson.
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461. Are you from the news?
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462. You have to tell us
if you're from the news.
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463. No, we're his friends.
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464. What are you guys
doing here?
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465. We came to bring
you home, Joe.
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466. We're all really sorry
we abandoned you.
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467. Yeah, we just kind of got
overwhelmed and all freaked out.
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468. But we're your
friends, Joe.
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469. And we'll always be there
for you no matter what.
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470. Thanks, guys.
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471. I'd say let's get my stuff,
but it's all been stolen.
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472. That's okay.
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473. Come on, let's go home.
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474. Sorry, no one
gets out of here
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475. without a release
from their doctor.
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476. All right, we'll just
call him right now.
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477. What's that ringing?
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478. Joe, that ringing—
it's coming from your back!
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479. It is?
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480. Holy crap!
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481. Dr. Hartman must have
dropped his phone in Joe
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482. when he was looking
at his spine!
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483. Oh, thank God.
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484. I've been hearing
that ringing all week.
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485. I just thought
I was losing my mind
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486. from lunatics
screaming in my face.
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487. Your mother's a whore!
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488. I told you that
in confidence, Gary.
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489. Ah, it's so great
to have you back, Joe.
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490. You seem good as new.
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491. Yeah, it turns out Dr.
Hartman's cell phone
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492. was pressing on
my spinal cord,
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493. and that's what was causing
my total paralysis.
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494. Yeah, sorry we dropped
the ball for a while,
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495. which is the way we agreed we'd
describe what we did to you,
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496. which hopefully
makes it seem less heinous.
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497. It's all right, guys.
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498. I'm just glad to be
back on my feet.
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499. Well, you know
what I mean.
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500. I never saw much
of Joe after that.
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501. And while he's been gone
for many years,
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502. I've never forgotten his face
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503. or his laughter.
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504. Come on, are we
going to the beach?
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505. We've been waiting forever.
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506. Yeah, be right there,
champ.
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507. He said that the first
two times we asked.
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508. I know, he spaces out
when he's at the computer.
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509. These aren't my kids.
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510. And also, this isn't
play wrestling.
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511. We're actually fighting.
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