1. Hey, guys, do you like beer,
Copy !req
2. but can't
get drunk from beer?
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3. Then try new Vodka Beer.
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4. The can says "beer,"
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5. but inside is 12 ounces
of carbonated vodka.
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6. And the best part is,
your wife will never know.
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7. Honey, I'm so proud of you,
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8. cutting down to one
beer a night.
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9. Take off your underwear.
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10. She don't know.
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11. I got the mail.
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12. Hey, does an octopus
live here?
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13. Peter, that says
"occupant."
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14. Oh, that's too bad.
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15. That would've
been awesome.
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16. Oh look, Peter.
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17. Here's something from
your mother's estate.
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18. Oh, looks like they finally
sold her house.
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19. And the last white domino
in that neighborhood falls.
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20. Wow, they sold it?
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21. So that means the house
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22. and everything inside
of it is gone?
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23. Oh, sweetheart.
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24. You thinking about all the good
times you had there?
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25. No, I'm thinking about
my teenage porn stash.
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26. It's still hidden
in the house.
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27. Oh, okay, but I know this
is really about the memories.
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28. Lactating sluts
on box springs.
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29. The-The-The special times
growing up...
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30. Bikini black chicks
sneezing.
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31. Lois, stop making him
reminisce about stuff.
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32. You don't understand, Lois.
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33. A boy's first collection
of nudie books
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34. and girlie movies
is a sacred thing.
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35. It can't fall into
a stranger's hands.
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36. This is very serious.
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37. I'm taking us to DEFCON 4.
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38. What happens when
it hits DEFCON 1?
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39. We see a dog wearing a wig.
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40. Aw, heck, let's see that anyway.
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41. That's not even a lady dog.
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42. Hey, Peter, what's wrong?
You've been real quiet.
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43. I don't know,
Quagmire.
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44. I keep thinking
of my old pornos.
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45. It's like I'm reminded
of them everywhere I look.
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46. You've been looking
at Cleveland a lot.
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47. Plus, you know, when
people find that box,
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48. they won't know that, like,
for some of them magazines,
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49. I just had them as,
like, a joke.
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50. You know, not 'cause, like,
I was really into it.
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51. Just the opposite.
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52. For some of them
magazines.
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53. Okay.
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54. I'm going to be
arrested for sure.
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55. Peter, I know exactly
where you're coming from.
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56. You, Quagmire?
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57. You enjoy
pornography, too?
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58. Yup, and I know that
a man's porn collection
Copy !req
59. must be secured and
protected at all costs,
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60. until he gets
ashamed of it
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61. and ditches it in an alley
behind a Kroger's.
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62. Hey, I know!
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63. What if we break into
my old house
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64. and steal back
my big box of pornos?
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65. What do you say?
You guys with me?
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66. You bet.
Sure thing, Peter.
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67. I mean, come on,
we're a team.
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68. Like fish and chips
and fat guys.
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69. I want the double cheeseburger,
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70. but I'm gonna go healthy
and get the fish and chips.
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71. Fish and chips!
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72. Okay, you all
remember the plan—
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73. we walk up wearing
our Bill Cosby masks...
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74. Peter, that's
President Obama.
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75. Aw, did I just
do a racism?
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76. Hello? Can I help
you gentlemen?
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77. Hi.
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78. You guys have been sitting
in front of my house
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79. for the last five hours
trying on Obama masks.
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80. Is there something
I can do for you?
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81. We, uh... we-we were
just getting ready
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82. to break into your house.
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83. Excuse me?
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84. Oh, hey, cool shirt.
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85. What?
Oh, thank you.
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86. Look, what's this all about?
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87. This guy used to live
in your house
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88. and a box of his old porn
is still hidden in there.
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89. We were gonna break in
and take it.
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90. And I was gonna stay
with the rental van
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91. because it's my name
what's on the contract.
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92. Oh. Well, you could've just
knocked on the door and asked.
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93. I don't want that stuff,
I've got kids.
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94. Get it out of there!
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95. Really? Awesome!
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96. Oh, well that was easier
than a game of Pai Gow poker.
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97. Pai gow.
You lose again!
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98. That was awesome!
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99. I can't believe these tables
are always empty.
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100. You play again?
Nope, out of money.
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101. I'm just gonna wait
for my drink.
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102. Who had the full glass
of Goldschlager?
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103. Ah. Sorry, can't tip.
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104. I'm gonna take this
up to my room.
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105. Oh, I'm on the wrong floor.
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106. Almost time for lunch.
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107. Ah...
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108. How was everything?
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109. Delicious.
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110. The prime rib
was mostly fat.
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111. Should I charge it
to your room?
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112. No, I had to check out,
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113. even though my
flight's not until midnight.
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114. Now, how does one with no money
get to the airport?
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115. Hey, buddy, you're
blocking the outlet.
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116. Oh, sorry.
There was no chairs.
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117. Hi, Peter.
How was Vegas?
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118. Oh, it's the best.
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119. Sweet.
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120. Now, which movie
should I start with?
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121. "Back-Door Sluts 4."
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122. Eh, I haven't
seen the first three,
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123. I wouldn't know what's going on.
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124. Here we go.
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125. I want to watch
all of these movies, nonstop.
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126. I don't want to watch
any more of these movies, ever.
Copy !req
127. Hey, Brian, you want to go for
a ride to behind the Kroger's?
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128. What?
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129. That's weird. What's that?
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130. Hello, Future Peter.
Hi.
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131. By the time you watch this,
you'll be grown-up,
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132. so I'm sure you're allowed
to eat ice cream
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133. and pizza for every meal.
You know it.
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134. Also, I bet you're
a big important doctor
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135. like that Doogie Howser kid
who's getting so much ass.
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136. Well, I was partly right.
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137. I just hope to God
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138. you're not stuck
in some loser job,
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139. like in a brewery,
or a toy factory,
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140. or a fishing boat.
Oh, boy.
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141. But, you know, I don't have
to worry about none of that.
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142. I'm sure you're
a big, successful doctor.
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143. Anyway, here's some
Conway Twitty.
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144. This is annoying.
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145. I don't want
to sit through this.
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146. Man, I guess I ain't the big
success I thought I'd be.
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147. I know what
you mean, Peter.
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148. When I was young,
I thought that someday
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149. I'd produce upworthy
web content.
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150. Am I doing it? Yes.
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151. But not everyone
is so lucky.
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152. Damn it, I suck.
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153. I've never done
anything important.
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154. Well, except for when I beat
Larry Bird for a Big Mac.
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155. Off the floor,
off the scoreboard,
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156. off the backboard,
no rim.
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157. Right near the basket,
underhanded,
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158. effeminate gasp,
over the backboard,
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159. out of bounds, waddle
over to get it,
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160. slip on a towel,
twist my ankle,
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161. go to the emergency room,
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162. doctors tell me
it's not that bad
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163. and I shouldn't
have come there,
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164. I make them give me
a cast anyway,
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165. never play sports again.
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166. Hey, I won
the two-dollar sandwich.
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167. Look at me.
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168. I was beautiful.
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169. What are you
watching?
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170. It's just a teenage loser
who didn't realize
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171. he had no future
in front of him.
Copy !req
172. Well, when you're
done with this,
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173. Stewie is trapped between
his crib and the wall.
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174. Help. Somebody help!
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175. He's watching
an old video.
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176. Okay, when he's done then.
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177. Oh, my God!
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178. He's just rhyming "danger zone"
with "danger zone."
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179. Holy crap!
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180. Chris, I was
just like you!
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181. What?
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182. Listen to me, Chris.
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183. I'm a failure in life,
and that's all I'll ever be.
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184. But it's not too late for you.
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185. I won't let you go down my path.
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186. What are you saying, Dad?
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187. I'm saying, Chris,
I am going to make sure
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188. that you grow up
to be a success.
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189. Yeah, I'm going to be
a success!
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190. Uh, would you excuse me
for a moment?
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191. Computer, what does
"success" mean?
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192. Chris, let me know when you're
done with the computer.
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193. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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194. No TV for you, Chris.
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195. TV is how stupid losers
spend their time.
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196. Peter, what is this all about?
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197. I'm trying to save
our son, Lois.
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198. I don't want him
to end up like me—
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199. dead-end job,
crappy house,
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200. aging wife who's getting skinny
where fat's supposed to be,
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201. and fat where skinny's
supposed to be.
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202. Ha!
Meg, go to your room.
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203. Look, Peter, I'm glad
you're thinking
Copy !req
204. about Chris' future,
but he's fine.
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205. He's a perfectly
normal kid.
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206. Are you crazy?
Look at him.
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207. He's over there intentionally
giving himself a nosebleed.
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208. Yay!
My nose is finally a woman!
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209. Okay, so maybe he's a little
rough around the edges, but—
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210. Oh, boy, a little
got in my mouth there.
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211. Yeah, I'm gonna have
to wash this shirt.
Copy !req
212. Anyway, I'm going
to help Chris
Copy !req
213. become a big,
important success.
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214. The same way Mumford turned
his son into a success.
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215. Okay, Dad, heading out
to the concert.
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216. Now, hold on a minute, son.
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217. Where are your arm garters?
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218. Your string tie?
Your woolen vest?
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219. You look nothing like
a dry goods clerk
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220. from the Garfield
administration.
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221. But, Dad...
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222. No buts! You're a Mumford.
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223. Now get upstairs,
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224. put on a jaunty
travelling hat,
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225. and write the same song
25 times.
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226. Okay, now, Chris, if you
want to be a success,
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227. you gotta look worldly
and sophisticated.
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228. And to do that, you got
to dress like Lenny Kravitz,
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229. with little something from every
part of he world pinned on you.
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230. Leather bracelets!
Nipple ring!
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231. Zippers where zippers
shouldn't be!
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232. Wilma Flintstone
pearl necklaces!
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233. A fur shrug
with crocheted sleeves!
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234. A hat on a hat!
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235. A watch on your pinky toe!
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236. And nothing says,
"Look at me, I've been places"
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237. like two lit road flares
hanging from your sunglasses.
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238. Hey, you look like
you've been places.
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239. Stop looking at me!
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240. I do not want
this attention!
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241. Come on, Chris,
let's get out of here.
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242. Uh, what are you doing?
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243. Well, I been trying
to make Chris
Copy !req
244. less of a fat dummy,
and nothing seems to be working,
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245. so now we're high-stepping
around in giant hats.
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246. Tip of the giant hat, sir.
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247. And to you, sir!
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248. Yes, sir, smart day
to you, sir.
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249. And I thank you, sir.
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250. I scraped my knee bad!
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251. Get up, Chris, you're
embarrassing yourself.
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252. You look stupid and fat.
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253. Peter, I have to ask—
Copy !req
254. are you pushing
Chris so hard
Copy !req
255. because it's what's
best for him?
Copy !req
256. Or are you trying to make up
or your own disappointment
Copy !req
257. about how your life
turned out?
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258. Brian, these are the biggest
hats I could find,
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259. so if your point is that there's
even larger ones available,
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260. I would greet that
with skepticism.
Copy !req
261. No, no, no, my point is
that you need to let Chris
Copy !req
262. find his own path.
Copy !req
263. Oh, my God,
you're right, Brian.
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264. He needs to be pointed
to a very specific path.
Copy !req
265. And then forced to go down it.
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266. No, no, that's-that's the
opposite of what I just said.
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267. Chris, your best
chance for success
Copy !req
268. is to be cultured and
worldly, like our dog.
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269. So starting right now,
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270. you gotta follow Brian around
and do everything he does.
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271. What?
Come on, Brian.
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272. You gotta show Chris how
to turn out better than me.
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273. I mean, you went to Brown,
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274. you're a published author,
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275. you can hear it first when
Joe falls out of the tub.
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276. That's starting
to happen more often.
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277. But I guess you're right.
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278. Maybe I am the guy
to make a diamond
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279. out of this lump of coal.
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280. But only if
it's what Chris wants.
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281. I don't care.
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282. All right, I'll do it.
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283. Just follow
my lead, Chris.
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284. 'Cause I think you
could be something great.
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285. Who knows?
Maybe you'll even become
Copy !req
286. one of those mission
control leaders
Copy !req
287. who gets all thoughtful
while everybody's celebrating.
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288. Apollo 13, this is Mission
Control, do you copy?
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289. Apollo 13, this is
mission control, do you copy?
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290. Do you copy, Apollo 13?
Copy !req
291. Mission Control,
this is Apollo 13.
Copy !req
292. We're all okay.
Good to be home.
Copy !req
293. Sir, you did it!
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294. Sir, is everything okay?
Copy !req
295. Eh, I bought a Nook e-reader
a couple of years ago
Copy !req
296. and I'm still pissed about it.
Copy !req
297. Hey. Hey.
Copy !req
298. Chew that way.
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299. Eh, dinner's no fun
without Chris here.
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300. There's nobody here for me
to wing my biscuit at.
Copy !req
301. Well, Peter, he's been spending
an awful lot of time with Bri—
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302. Eh, it's not
the same.
Copy !req
303. Anyway, he and Brian have been
spending a lot of time together.
Copy !req
304. Really? You're going
to let that slide?
Copy !req
305. Guy throws
a biscuit at you?
Copy !req
306. Good evening, all.
Copy !req
307. Apologies for being so tardy.
Copy !req
308. Aw, Chris,
you're not tardy.
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309. We tested you twice.
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310. There you guys are.
We were wondering about you.
Copy !req
311. Brian and I have been
having a blast.
Copy !req
312. First we went
to a symphony.
Copy !req
313. Then we saw a small
independent play
Copy !req
314. with real smoking in it.
Copy !req
315. And then we hit
the Quahog Book Festival
Copy !req
316. and went to a Q and A
Copy !req
317. to ask questions that
weren't really questions.
Copy !req
318. Wow, look at my sophisticated
young man.
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319. You're certainly taking
to Brian's example.
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320. If anything,
he's teaching me.
Copy !req
321. I mean, not really,
but you-you know.
Copy !req
322. Aw, see, I knew Brian
Copy !req
323. could put Chris on
the path to success.
Copy !req
324. Hey, Chris,
let's celebrate.
Copy !req
325. There's a new baby
panda at the zoo.
Copy !req
326. How about you and me
go chuck tater tots at it?
Copy !req
327. Chuck them at Lois.
Copy !req
328. She'll just sit there
and take it.
Copy !req
329. Oh, Dad.
Copy !req
330. That would've been fine
for the old me,
Copy !req
331. but Brian and I
have to be going.
Copy !req
332. Oh. Okay.
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333. Yeah, we're off to see
an old movie
Copy !req
334. on temporary screen
in a muddy, freezing park.
Copy !req
335. That sounds awful.
Copy !req
336. It is awful.
Copy !req
337. But at least parking
will be impossible.
Copy !req
338. Bye!
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339. Geez, I... feel like
I just... lost my son.
Copy !req
340. Aw, I got a skin tag in my crack
Copy !req
341. and it stings
when I don't wipe right.
Copy !req
342. This has been
a bad dinner.
Copy !req
343. There you two are.
Copy !req
344. Sit down and join us.
Copy !req
345. I can't stay, Mom.
Copy !req
346. Brian's showing me
Copy !req
347. all of his favorite
stuff to do.
Copy !req
348. Getting spooked when
the furnace goes on?
Copy !req
349. We're participating
in an autism walk.
Copy !req
350. Looks like you're
doing it right now.
Copy !req
351. And we may be gone a while,
Copy !req
352. 'cause after that we're going
down to the Civic Center.
Copy !req
353. Michael Ian Black is cocking
his eyebrows for four hours.
Copy !req
354. Ha! He says the things
we don't care to say.
Copy !req
355. Bye!
Copy !req
356. Man, I'm sick of how much time
Chris is spending with Brian.
Copy !req
357. Probably smooching
pickles,
Copy !req
358. 'cause they're a couple
of pickle smoochers.
Copy !req
359. It's like he ain't
even my son no more,
Copy !req
360. doing all that
fancy-pants stuff.
Copy !req
361. Oh, Peter,
I know you miss him,
Copy !req
362. but this is what
you wanted, isn't it?
Copy !req
363. Well, yeah, but I didn't
realize bettering himself
Copy !req
364. meant blowing off
his old man.
Copy !req
365. You know what?
The hell with this.
Copy !req
366. I want my son back.
Peter, relax.
Copy !req
367. Chris is just going
through a phase.
Copy !req
368. He'll grow out of it.
Copy !req
369. Just like you grew out of your
"Walk Like An Egyptian" phase.
Copy !req
370. Paul was a good man.
Copy !req
371. A good friend.
Copy !req
372. I'll... I'll always remember
how supportive he was when...
Copy !req
373. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
374. I can't-I can't-
I can't do this.
Copy !req
375. Check it out, Lois—
when Chris notices
Copy !req
376. that "World's Greatest
Son" mug I made,
Copy !req
377. he'll be back on board with
his old man in no time.
Copy !req
378. Hey, Chris,
what's on the mug?
Copy !req
379. "World's Greatest Sun."
Copy !req
380. This world only has one sun.
Copy !req
381. What kind of idiot
made this mug?
Copy !req
382. I'm very easily
influenced by music.
Copy !req
383. All right, Chris, now I know
you're all sophisticated now,
Copy !req
384. but no man can resist
the siren call
Copy !req
385. of mentally impaired
supermodel Kate Upton.
Copy !req
386. Mm, sorry, Dad.
Copy !req
387. I'm more of a Catherine
Keener man now.
Copy !req
388. But, Chris, you got
to take advantage.
Copy !req
389. The clock's ticking
on Kate Upton.
Copy !req
390. She's almost at the end
of her window.
Copy !req
391. Yup, we missed it.
Copy !req
392. Come on, get out of here.
Copy !req
393. Sorry, Lois, I need the TV.
Copy !req
394. I gotta win my son back.
Copy !req
395. What are you
talking about, Peter?
Copy !req
396. Well, you know how
Brian's got Chris
Copy !req
397. watching all them fancy
foreign films now?
Copy !req
398. Well, I figure I can
lure Chris in
Copy !req
399. with this French movie—
Le Rocqué Trois.
Copy !req
400. Rocqué!
Copy !req
401. Adrienne!
Copy !req
402. Rocqué!
Adrienne!
Copy !req
403. J'pité Le fool.
Copy !req
404. Oh, Clubbert Lange!
Copy !req
405. Peter, this
is pointless.
Copy !req
406. You wanted Chris
to be a better person
Copy !req
407. with a bright future,
Copy !req
408. and thanks to Brian,
that's what he has now.
Copy !req
409. Yeah, but, I don't even
recognize Chris these days.
Copy !req
410. And I never get
to spend time with him.
Copy !req
411. It's like Chris
ain't my friend no more.
Copy !req
412. Thanks for coming to the book
club meeting, everyone.
Copy !req
413. Well, I gotta say,
I loved this week's book—
Copy !req
414. Annie Proulx's
The Shipping News.
Copy !req
415. Yes, yes! Yes.
Copy !req
416. Very Portnoy's Complaint.
Copy !req
417. Uh, I don't... What, uh,
what do you mean by that?
Copy !req
418. Oh, you know, just
with... the-the port,
Copy !req
419. and the shipping.
Copy !req
420. And of course,
in Portnoy's Complaint
Copy !req
421. you've got the guy who's
living near the water...
Copy !req
422. That doesn't sound right.
Copy !req
423. and he hated the noise
from the local port,
Copy !req
424. so he filed one of
the very first
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425. port noise complaints
in maritime law.
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426. And for those of us who
read the complaints,
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427. trust me, they were
very warranted.
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428. Brian, could I talk
to you over here?
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429. Oh, let's dog-ear this
for a sec.
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430. This one gets it.
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431. Brian, what the hell
are you talking about?
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432. You clearly haven't read
either of those books.
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433. Whoa, Chris, now you're starting
to sound like Mark Twain,
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434. whose real name
was Samuel Clemens.
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435. Oh, that is so your go-to!
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436. I can't believe you.
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437. I thought you were this
worldly, sophisticated guy,
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438. but you're just a fraud—
like Moses.
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439. And the Lord's Eleventh
Commandment—
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440. "Moses gets to be
first in line at the buffet."
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441. What?
Oh, seriously?
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442. I know, you guys,
it's so lame,
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443. but that's what it says.
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444. Why are you doing that?
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445. Why are you hucking
tater tots at a baby panda?
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446. 'Cause I'm oddly
attracted to him
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447. and it frightens me.
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448. See, this is why
you're so great, Dad.
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449. You don't pretend
to be someone you're not.
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450. You do what you want, and you
don't care what anyone thinks.
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451. Well, I-I care what you think.
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452. Look, Chris, you're my kid,
and I want what's best for you,
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453. but I guess
I just don't want you
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454. to become too good
for your old man.
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455. Don't worry, Dad.
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456. I could never be
too good for you
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457. because you're the best.
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458. And I want to be just like you
when I grow up.
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459. Really?
Aw, thanks, Chris.
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460. Tater tot?
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461. It's fun, right?
Yeah!
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462. And the mama panda doesn't
do anything about it,
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463. because she was blinded to make
her more submissive.
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464. Ha-ha! You're right.
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465. You know, Chris,
all this started
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466. 'cause I was feeling bad
about being a failure.
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467. But you know what?
I got you for a son.
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468. So maybe I did something right.
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469. I love you, Dad.
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470. Come on, Chris.
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471. Let's go get an $18 Coke at
the terrible zoo restaurant.
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472. Yay! Sticky tables
covered in bees!
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473. Coming up, we'll tell you
where to look
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474. when talking to a coworker
in the bathroom.
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475. The answer
might surprise you.
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476. Well, I think we all
learned something today.
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477. In other news,
TVs still make noise,
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478. even when people
resume their conversations.
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479. Yes, studies have determined...
That's right, Peter.
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480. And it's the most important lesson.
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481. Everyone should be
who they are.
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482. Success is being
true to yourself.
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483. Amen, Mom.
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484. But to have the love of your
family, that's true success.
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485. Let's go ahead and
turn off the TV.
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486. There we go.
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