1. What are you
doing over there?
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2. I'm on hold
with tech support.
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3. My computer locked up
right in the middle
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4. of this story
I'm working on.
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5. God, even Microsoft Word
hates your writing.
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6. Thank you
for holding. How can I help you?
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7. Well, for starters, you can keep
talking with that lovely accent.
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8. Amazing. One second of a
stranger's voice on a phone
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9. and you've got
full Bollywood.
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10. I... I assume
she's in India.
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11. Your friend is correct.
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12. I am in India.
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13. But you sound like
a perfect gentleman to me.
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14. My name is Padma.
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15. Padma. That was
my mother's name.
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16. I'm gonna get
an English muffin.
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17. So what seems to be the problem?
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18. Well, one problem I have
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19. is that I have too much money.
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20. Then why don't you just
buy a new computer?
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21. What? I-I...
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22. Oh, I'm just
bursting your balls.
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23. Oh!
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24. Well, you're a feisty one.
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25. Uh, actually, my computer froze
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26. right in the middle
of a story I'm writing.
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27. Oh, you are a writer?
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28. Are you famous?
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29. By choice, no. No.
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30. Sometimes fame brings
a lot of unwanted attention.
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31. I mean, look at
William Shakespeare.
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32. William Shakespeare.
Aye.
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33. Nice collar,
you fruit.
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34. Thank ye.
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35. Hey, Shakespeare.
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36. What's the title
of your next play?
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37. You should call it
Homosexual Collar Guy.
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38. Ah, thy japes and jabs cut me
to the quick, squire.
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39. What does that
even mean?
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40. I know.
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41. It means, "I use
this collar as a bib
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42. for when I
service guys."
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43. Thank ye, thank ye.
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44. So, how'd you
like the collar?
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45. 'Tis not for me.
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46. Huh, there's no one there.
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47. Must have been
some kids knocking.
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48. Down here, Lois.
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49. Oh, for God's
sake, Joe.
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50. Can't you put a tall flag on the
back of your chair or something?
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51. I apologize for the difficulty
my paralysis causes you.
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52. Hey, Peter. Good news.
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53. Bonnie's out of town,
so I have an extra ticket
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54. for Tuesday night bingo
down at the Allendale Mill.
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55. Why the hell would I
want to go to bingo?
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56. Oh, it's a blast.
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57. There's the thrill of the game,
people bring snacks,
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58. plus you'll hear some
pretty unfiltered opinions
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59. about those jokers
in Washington.
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60. Yeah, that sounds
perfectly terrible.
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61. You know what, Joe?
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62. Peter would love
to go with you.
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63. What?
Terrific.
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64. I'll pick you up at 6:00.
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65. What'd you do that for?
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66. Peter, he's your friend.
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67. Who knows?
It might be fun.
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68. All right, I'll go.
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69. But I'm not happy.
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70. You know how much I hate
being told what to do.
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71. You know, Padma,
I love Indian food.
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72. But I'd have to say my least
favorite curry is Ann.
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73. She's... she's
a newscaster here.
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74. I... I wish I could have
slipped that in earlier.
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75. Oh, no, I know her.
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76. She's internationally despised.
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77. So, are you done rebooting?
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78. Look, uh,
I have to come clean.
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79. Um, my computer wasn't
actually broken this time.
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80. Uh, I just wanted
to talk to you again.
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81. I like talking
to you, too, Brian.
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82. Oh, hey, is that Padma
from tech support again?
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83. Yeah. Yeah, it is.
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84. Oh, cool.
Ask her a question for me.
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85. How come over there
they just talk on the phone,
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86. and over here
they're all doctors?
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87. Get out of here. Lois
said you're supposed
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88. to sit on the potty
for one hour straight.
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89. I'm taking a break.
I got bored.
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90. And you've been on the phone
for more than an hour.
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91. I'm sorry.
Can you give me a sec?
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92. Look, I know it's crazy,
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93. but I honestly feel
a connection to this woman.
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94. More than I have
to anyone in a long time.
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95. That's nice, Brian, but
you're from different worlds.
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96. She's in India.
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97. That's a lot to overcome.
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98. People in love can
overcome anything.
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99. I guess you're right.
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100. I mean, look at
Jeb Bush and his wife.
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101. Honey, do you think
I'll ever be president?
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102. No, no, no.
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103. Stewie!
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104. What? It's just a joke.
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105. Yeah, but come on.
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106. Look it up, man.
Google her.
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107. I know what
she looks like.
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108. Oh, I see you came
with the Big Cheese.
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109. What?
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110. You?
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111. You're the Big Cheese?
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112. I usually bring
a variety wheel
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113. of Laughing Cow cheese.
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114. Laughing Cow!
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115. That's got to be
a happy farm, right?
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116. Oh, you just must be
cracking up all the time
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117. hanging out
with this one.
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118. Look, ma'am, I don't know
what signals Joe is sending out,
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119. but I'm married.
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120. G-49.
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121. Hey, and you're
already on the board.
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122. You're a natural at this.
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123. Oh, and fair warning,
when they call O-69,
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124. I say, "Oh, my! Ooh-la-la!"
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125. Yeah, really
funny, Joe.
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126. Or-or how about
this one?
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127. "Oh... my God, I want to
kill myself right now."
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128. All right, I got
to get through this.
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129. I'm just gonna go
to my happy place.
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130. Go to your happy place, Peter.
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131. Oh, and you're wearing
the necklace I gave you.
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132. Well, if I were you,
I'd sure be excited.
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133. You're only one number away
from having a bingo.
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134. I am?
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135. What, you mean
if they call...
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136. O-74.
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137. Bingo!
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138. You were right, Joe,
this is awesome.
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139. I've never won anything.
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140. Well, except for when I won
that "Tori Spelling Bee."
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141. Peter, your word is "equine."
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142. Peter reached this
round by accurately spelling
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143. "collagen,"repulsive"
and "botched."
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144. God, I can't believe
you're still at work, Padma.
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145. It's, like, 2:00 in the morning.
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146. No, it is noon here.
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147. Do you not know
about time zones?
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148. Oh, uh, yeah, oh, that's right.
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149. You guys are on metric.
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150. Oh, you're in here?
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151. Yeah, I'm on the phone.
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152. Is, uh, is Chris down
in the laundry room?
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153. Yeah, I think so.
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154. Okay, looks
like this is gonna be
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155. a stander-upper
in the garage.
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156. Uh-oh, six percent.
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157. Better hustle.
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158. It's so nice to talk
to you, Brian.
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159. You make me feel wonderful.
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160. God, if only you
weren't so far away.
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161. I wish I could just somehow
magically appear there
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162. and meet you in person.
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163. Oh, Brian, that would
be like a dream.
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164. Okay, I should go.
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165. I have 11,000 people on hold.
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166. Good-bye, Padma.
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167. What the hell's
going on?
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168. Somebody's screaming
in the garage.
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169. Why are you still up?
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170. Because I'm in love.
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171. Oh, with that
Indian chick?
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172. What was her
name? Dot?
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173. No, it's not Dot,
it's Padma.
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174. And I have to be with her.
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175. Stewie, I'm going to India.
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176. Oh, my God,
I'm going with you.
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177. My yoga class will
be so jealous.
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178. Hey, everyone, the guy
I told you about, Brian,
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179. he's taking me to India!
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180. Oh, my God!
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181. We finally made
it, Brian.
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182. We're in India.
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183. Excuse me, man with no pupil,
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184. where can we get
a taxicab around here?
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185. All right,
let's do it, Stewie.
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186. Let's go find Padma.
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187. Shouldn't be hard in this
dreamy land of wonder.
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188. I can already smell the
enlightenment and tranquility.
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189. This is wonderful,
isn't it, Brian?
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190. It's so tranquil,
I'm tearing up.
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191. Come on, I think
I see a cab
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192. with less than
nine people in it.
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193. All right,
it's winning time.
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194. Let's get this show
on the road.
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195. After all, it's not
called "bing-stop,"
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196. it's called "bing-go!"
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197. That's very clever.
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198. Yeah, and, uh...
uh, maybe if I win,
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199. I'll yell, "bing-Joe."
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200. Don't force it, Joe.
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201. Yeah, be quiet, Joe.
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202. Me and the gang are trying
to hear our numbers.
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203. "You" and the gang?
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204. I'm the one who
brought you here.
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205. Yeah, well, you
know something?
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206. The Mayflower also
brought fungus,
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207. which then became
the Potato Famine.
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208. What the hell are
you talking about?
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209. I don't know, I've had,
like, four Ensures.
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210. I'm out of my mind.
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211. Peter, I brought you here
to have fun, not take over.
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212. Look, Joe, I'm a
little busy right now,
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213. so I'm gonna have the Somali
pirate from Captain Phillips
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214. tell you something.
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215. Joe, look at me.
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216. Look at me.
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217. He is the bingo captain now.
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218. I tell you, I love
it here, Brian.
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219. The sounds,
the colors.
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220. You know, this is
where the Beatles came
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221. to ruin their music.
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222. Yeah, yeah, that's great.
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223. Anyway, Padma works
in Bangalore,
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224. so we got to hurry
and catch the train.
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225. Can't believe
we're really in India.
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226. Oh, look over there.
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227. There's cute little
kids are playing
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228. Cowboys and Indians
and Indians.
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229. I'm gonna shoot you
with my six-gun.
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230. I'm gonna shoot you
with my bow and arrow.
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231. I'm just going to stand
here wearing a shirt
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232. that appears
to be a jacket.
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233. Do you think all those
chickens had to buy tickets?
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234. I don't know,
but I'm starving.
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235. What I wouldn't give right now
for a big juicy steak.
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236. How dare you?
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237. To us, cows
are sacred!
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238. That's right, you
are disrespecting
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239. our entire culture.
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240. And why did Wes Anderson come
here to make his worst movie?
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241. Stewie, what do we do?
Quick, hit the red buttons!
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242. Wow, that came in handy.
Yeah.
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243. Now let's get out of here.
Let's see what their wieners look like.
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244. Yeah. Yeah, no,
let's get out of here.
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245. Okay, I'm off to bingo.
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246. Peter, what are
you wearing?
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247. Oh, you mean
my bingo cape?
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248. That's our holiday
tablecloth.
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249. I'm sorry, Lois, but my
people have come to expect
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250. a certain degree of pageantry.
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251. Don't wait up.
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252. We may go to Denny's.
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253. Is Joe going with you?
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254. Oh, "Crybaby Joe"?
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255. Nah, he doesn't come anymore.
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256. I think he resents my skill.
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257. Peter, bingo was
Joe's favorite thing.
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258. Now, you go over there
and take him with you,
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259. or I don't want
you going at all.
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260. Hey, hey, hey, don't try
to take this away from me.
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261. This is the only thing
I've ever been good at.
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262. Well, this and timing
my farts to a thunderstorm.
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263. Why don't we all go ahead and
turn to page six in the handout?
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264. Ah...
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265. The first thing you're
gonna notice is a bar graph.
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266. And what that is is to indicate
our international sales,
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267. which peaked, of course,
- Oh, yeah.
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268. during the last quarter.
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269. But now we're expecting
that to drop off
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270. as we enter the
colder weather.
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271. The storm's moving away.
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272. We made it!
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273. This is where Padma works!
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274. I feel like I owe every bus
in America an apology.
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275. So, we haven't discussed
what you're going
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276. to do if she's a pig.
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277. She's already
beautiful to me.
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278. And you know,
we'll see.
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279. My God, how you
gonna find her?
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280. There are hundreds
of people in here.
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281. Don't worry, I
thought of that.
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282. Thank you
for calling tech support.
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283. How can I help you?
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284. I'll tell you how.
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285. Stand on your desk.
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286. Brian?
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287. Padma, just do it.
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288. Oh, boy.
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289. Are you Padma?
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290. No, I am Ranita.
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291. There is a python in my cube.
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292. Brian?
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293. Padma!
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294. I can't believe this!
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295. Why are you here?
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296. Because I was having
a technical issue
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297. with my heart.
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298. Ugh, 16 hours on a plane,
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299. and that's what you
came up with?
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300. I am touched you came
all this way to see me.
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301. I'm so glad I did.
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302. You're even more beautiful
than I imagined.
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303. Well, I have to admit
you two do make a cute couple.
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304. But then again, so did Chris
Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.
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305. Do you take this woman
to lecture you
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306. about trans fats for as long
as you both shall live?
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307. I do.
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308. And do you take this man to be
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309. a watered-down Bono
until death do you part?
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310. I do.
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311. I now pronounce you
pretentious and terrible.
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312. You may name your daughter
after a fruit.
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313. So, this is my town.
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314. I have lived here
my whole life.
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315. Well, if you were born here,
then it must be a magical place.
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316. Yes, let's go get
sandwiches
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317. at that New Delhi
I keep hearing about.
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318. Thanks, Ganesha.
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319. I am so happy
that you are here.
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320. In fact, my family is
having a big party tonight.
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321. You must both come
as my guests.
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322. Oh, an Indian party!
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323. I hope they play that one song
with the shrieking, nasal,
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324. atonal woman over the bongos
and tambourines.
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325. You seem nervous.
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326. Are you worried
about meeting Padma's family?
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327. Yeah. Well, that,
and this is always
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328. what it looks
like on Homeland
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329. right before there's
a drone strike.
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330. Oh, my, you both
look so elegant.
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331. Thanks, I did a little
shopping today.
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332. Not me.
Mine is actually
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333. an Aladdin costume
from last Halloween.
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334. I never travel without it.
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335. Family, guests,
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336. and monkeys who have
wandered in to steal fruit,
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337. it is my honor to welcome you
to this engagement celebration.
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338. Oh, "engagement"?
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339. So, who's getting married?
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340. I am.
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341. What?
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342. Padma, my beloved daughter.
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343. Dhiraj, my future son-in-law.
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344. Please, come
and meet one another.
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345. Welp, that's a Punjab
to the figs.
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346. Where's the bar?
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347. Everyone, you are all
so kind to come tonight,
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348. and it is so nice
to meet you, Dhiraj.
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349. But something happened today,
and I can no longer marry you.
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350. Padma, what is it?
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351. My true love is here tonight.
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352. He has come to me
all the way from America.
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353. His name is Brian Griffin.
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354. And my heart belongs to him.
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355. Quick, everyone's
looking at the dog!
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356. Go, go, go!
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357. Padma, you cannot
call off the wedding!
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358. I have already paid a large
dowry to Dhiraj's family!
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359. But it would be wrong
to marry someone I do not love.
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360. The one I love is Brian.
Copy !req
361. Sir, what if I were to repay you
for all you've spent?
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362. Would Padma then be free
to marry whoever she wanted?
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363. Brian!
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364. You would do that?
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365. Yes.
I love you, Padma,
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366. and-and I'd do anything
to be with you.
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367. I suppose that
might be possible.
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368. Great, just give me
a chance to raise the money,
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369. so I can marry your daughter
and make her happy.
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370. Oh, so you don't
have the money?
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371. He's holding onto an Applebee's
gift card with $1.62 on it.
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372. I do not know
Applebee's.
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373. Is it like our
Colonel Chutney's?
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374. Does Colonel Chutney's
make you sick?
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375. Not every time.
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376. Then, no,
it's very different.
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377. I mean, my wife and I have
never said the words
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378. "open marriage," but...
Copy !req
379. Oh, hey, Lois!
Copy !req
380. Peter, it's time
to come home
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381. and give Joe back
his stupid little activity.
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382. I appreciate that,
Lois.
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383. First of all, this
is my favorite thing
Copy !req
384. in the world now, so no.
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385. And second of all, we're
about to play a new round,
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386. so start taking
your pants off,
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387. 'cause when I win,
I want you ready.
Copy !req
388. Peter, if it wasn't for Joe,
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389. you wouldn't know
about bingo anyway.
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390. This meant everything to him,
and you've taken it away.
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391. As a friend, do the right thing
Copy !req
392. and give Joe back
the happiness he found here.
Copy !req
393. Joe, gag on my fat dauber.
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394. Damn it, I didn't want
to have to do this,
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395. but you've left
me no choice!
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396. Kids, get in here!
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397. Yay! Time with Dad!
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398. That's a bingo for me!
Copy !req
399. All right,
how do you play?
Copy !req
400. "Free space"?
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401. Wow! What's that about?
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402. I call I sit
next to Dad!
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403. All right, forget this.
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404. Let's all go home and each do
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405. our own individual media things.
Copy !req
406. Stewie, I don't think
this is gonna work.
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407. We're never gonna
raise enough money
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408. to pay back
Padma's father.
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409. Trust me, Brian, there are
a billion people here,
Copy !req
410. and almost every one
of them has a tapeworm.
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411. Yes, excuse me,
I have a tapeworm.
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412. All right, very good.
Lie down on your stomach.
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413. This won't hurt a bit.
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414. Hey, how are you guys?
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415. Oh, you're a lady.
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416. And you sound
American.
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417. How long have you
been in there?
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418. I originally just came
for my junior year,
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419. but I fell in love
with the place.
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420. Stewie, there's no way
I'm sitting here all day
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421. watching tapeworms
come out of butts.
Copy !req
422. I'm doomed.
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423. I'll never be able
to pay for Padma's dowry.
Copy !req
424. I don't understand.
Copy !req
425. In movies, everything in India
always turns out great.
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426. Julia Roberts ate or loved
or prayed or something.
Copy !req
427. I don't, I don't know.
I didn't see it.
Copy !req
428. Wait a minute!
Copy !req
429. Movies about India.
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430. I know how I can make the money!
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431. Who wants to be
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432. a millionaire?
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433. Our next contestant comes
all the way from America!
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434. Brian Griffin!
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435. What brings you to India, Brian?
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436. I'll tell you what brought me.
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437. True love.
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438. He's breaking up a marriage!
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439. All right, let's get started.
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440. First question—
"Which retired Indian cricketer
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441. "has scored over
18,000 runs
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442. in ODI competition?"
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443. Um, O...?
Wha...?
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444. O-ODI?
What?
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445. Is it A) Anil Kumble,
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446. B) Mahendra Singh Dhoni,
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447. C) Sachin Tendulkar,
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448. or D) Jiminy Cricket?
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449. Well, I know, I know
it's not Jiminy Cricket.
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450. Unless Jiminy's
based on a real person.
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451. I need an answer.
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452. You know, the more I say it,
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453. the more it does sound Indian.
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454. Jiminy Cricket.
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455. D) Jiminy Cricket, final answer.
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456. I'm sorry,
that is incorrect.
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457. Thank you for playing!
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458. We'll be right back
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459. after this message
from the Indian Census Bureau.
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460. Too many people!
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461. Stop with the people!
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462. Padma, I'm sorry.
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463. I still haven't
raised the money.
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464. But I'm working on it.
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465. There is no longer a need.
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466. My father has
solved the problem
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467. by promising Dhiraj
the hand of my younger sister.
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468. Oh, Padma, I meant
to ask you, are there, like,
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469. Bengal tigers just
running loose in the cities?
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470. I don't know.
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471. In America, are there
annoying talking babies
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472. always interrupting?
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473. Okay, it's been
a long trip.
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474. Let's not say anything
we're gonna regret.
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475. Wait a minute, so if,
if Dhiraj is marrying
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476. your sister, that means
we can be together!
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477. Actually, about that.
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478. I think watching you try to
answer that question out there,
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479. I realized something.
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480. You know nothing
of my country or my culture.
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481. Well, tha-that was a
really tough question.
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482. No, it wasn't.
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483. Everyone in India knows
who Sachin Tendulkar is.
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484. Brian, I am deeply touched
that you came all this way
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485. to find me,
but the truth is, you and I
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486. have very little in common.
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487. Well, I could learn!
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488. I mean, I mean,
there's got to be
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489. an old Carmen Sandiego episode
on India or something.
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490. Brian, Brian, punt, punt.
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491. I know you would try,
Brian.
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492. But when I look
inside myself,
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493. I realize I do not
want to marry you.
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494. Mostly, I just did not
want to marry Dhiraj.
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495. I am so sorry.
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496. Have I answered all of your
questions to your satisfaction?
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497. No! I came halfway
around the world for you!
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498. You said I was your true love!
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499. Well, by coming here,
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500. you saved me from a lifetime
of unhappiness.
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501. And I will always
love you for that.
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502. Good-bye, Brian.
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503. A peck on the cheek?
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504. Was that worth
an $8,000 coach ticket?
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505. You know what?
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506. It's about the journey,
not the destination.
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507. No, it's not.
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508. This sucked
and you failed.
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509. Story over!
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510. Bollywood!
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511. What the...?
What the hell is this?
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512. Oh, in India it's
traditional to do a final
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513. musical curtain call
over the end credits.
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514. This is kind of weird.
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515. Come on, Brian,
just surrender to it.
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516. Hey, I was in the episode, too!
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517. Joe is the captain again!
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518. All right, I'll give it a shot.
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519. Eyes forward,
finish the number.
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520. Ranita, finish the number!
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