1. We now return
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2. to The Autistic Postman Always
Rings Four Hundred Times.
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3. So is everybody excited
for Father's Day on Sunday?
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4. Oh, yeah,
that's right.
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5. I always try to avoid
Father's Day now.
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6. Every year, I used to take
my dad to the horse track.
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7. Now we just go rooting around
for bargains at the mall.
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8. Oh, this is darling, isn't it?
Uh-huh.
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9. Glenn, do you think you'd see
my bra through this blouse?
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10. Uh, I don't know.
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11. Is it too sheer?
I don't know what that means.
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12. Glenn? Do you think
it's too sheer?
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13. I said I don't know!
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14. Hey, Joe, you know,
come to think of it,
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15. I've met
Cleveland's dad,
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16. and my dog slept
with Quagmire's dad,
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17. but I don't know anything
about your dad.
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18. Yeah, is he
still with us,
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19. or is he living in Heaven
with Jesus Christ?
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20. Ugh, save that
for your black friends.
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21. Eh, my dad's out
there somewhere,
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22. but I haven't spoken
to him in years.
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23. What? Really?
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24. Sorry, Cleveland,
that was mean of me.
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25. I already forgave you.
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26. But, Joe, why haven't you
seen your dad?
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27. Well, he's a good guy,
but we just drifted apart.
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28. It's no big deal.
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29. It's a very big deal.
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30. My dad's a stinking drunk
who lives in Ireland,
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31. but you got
a perfectly good dad.
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32. You can't waste that.
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33. You gotta call him up
for Father's Day.
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34. Peter, I don't even know
where he is.
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35. Who's ready for another beer?
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36. Hey, Cleveland, weren't you
supposed to buy the next round?
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37. That's a shame Joe
never sees his dad.
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38. I know.
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39. Hey, you know what?
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40. Joe's our friend.
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41. He should be with his dad
on Father's Day,
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42. and we're gonna
track him down.
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43. Yeah, that's a
good idea, Peter.
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44. Well, I like
helping people out.
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45. That's why I was such a good
break-up rodeo clown.
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46. I'm just gonna go
ahead and tell you.
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47. I've been sleeping
with your sister.
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48. What?
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49. Hey, now! Hey, now!
Over here! Over here!
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50. Over here! Hey, now!
Hey, now! Over here!
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51. Over here!
Hey, now! Hey, now!
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52. Over here! Over here!
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53. Oh, and now that
I'm inside the barrel,
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54. he gave you
and your sister HPV.
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55. Hey, want to see
something?
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56. Check out how hot
my last patient was.
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57. Oh.
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58. They look fake.
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59. Yeah, who cares?
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60. Okay, according
to this projection,
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61. Stewie's adult height
will be five-foot-one.
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62. What?
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63. Five-foot-one?
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64. Wow, Dr. Hartman,
that's really short.
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65. I mean, I suppose it's fine
if he's gonna die at 14.
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66. Is-is there anything
on there about that?
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67. Well, we learned
in medical school
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68. that the short ones
do go faster,
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69. 'cause they smell more farts
than the rest of us.
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70. This is terrible!
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71. I can't be short!
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72. I'll be an outcast, like Rudolph
the Uncircumcised Reindeer.
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73. Look, Rudolph, it's
not me, all right?
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74. It's Dasher, he's
been complaining,
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75. and he is the one who has
to look at it all night.
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76. I don't know.
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77. Mrs. Claus says
it'll decrease my sensitivity.
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78. I-I'm sorry, why are you
talking to my wife about this?
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79. Okay, you guys,
it's all set.
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80. I found Joe's dad
on the Internet,
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81. and he just e-mailed me
to say he's coming tomorrow.
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82. All right, great, but remember,
this is a surprise for Joe.
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83. Why are you
looking at me?
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84. Because you're terrible
at keeping secrets.
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85. No, I'm not;
I'm great at it.
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86. Like when I was
an OB/GYN.
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87. Well, I got the results
of your ultrasound,
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88. and I got some
news for you.
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89. Wait, wait, wait—
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90. We don't want to know
if it's a boy or a girl.
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91. Oh, okay.
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92. Well, it's
not breathing.
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93. Hey, guys.
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94. Uh, uh, so, Joe,
big day tomorrow, eh?
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95. Father's Day.
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96. Gonna be home all day,
especially at 11:30 a.m.?
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97. Peter.
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98. What? I didn't say
anything about his dad.
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99. My dad?
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100. What about my dad?
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101. Well, now that Quagmire ruined
the surprise, we found your dad!
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102. You what?
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103. That's right.
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104. He's coming tomorrow,
for Father's Day.
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105. You shouldn't have
done that, Peter.
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106. My father's not gonna
be happy to see me.
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107. Sure he will.
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108. Just get him one of them
Father's Day cards
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109. what plays a song.
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110. "Dad to the Bone."
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111. "I'm Dad."
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112. Pretty much anything with
"bad," you turn it to "dad."
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113. Wait, w-why wouldn't
your dad be happy?
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114. What, is he a jerk
or something?
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115. No, it's just that
ever since I was a little kid,
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116. he was constantly making
fun of handicapped people.
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117. Really?
Yeah, my whole life,
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118. my-my dad would ridicule
anyone in a wheelchair.
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119. It was all,
"Hey, spaghetti legs!"
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120. And, "Hey, rigatoni legs!"
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121. And, uh, "Hey,
angel-hair legs!"
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122. He was a sales manager
at Ronzoni.
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123. Wow, then it must have been
hard for him to accept
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124. when you were
paralyzed.
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125. That's just it.
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126. My dad doesn't know
I'm handicapped.
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127. I never told him.
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128. I never...
I never told him!
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129. Ah, Joe, don't cry.
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130. It's gonna make me cry.
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131. I cry like Snoopy.
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132. I can't believe you invited
my father without telling me.
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133. You guys got to get
in touch with him
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134. and tell him
not to come.
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135. It's too late, Joe,
he's already on his way.
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136. He is?
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137. Yeah, we got him
tickets on Kayak.
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138. It is a nightmare
itinerary.
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139. It was, like, 80 bucks,
but he has four stops.
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140. Two of them are
in Houston.
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141. What am I gonna do?
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142. My dad has no idea
I'm paralyzed.
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143. Well, there's only
one thing we can do.
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144. We'll just figure out a way
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145. to hide your handicap
from your dad.
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146. Hide the fact
that I can't walk?
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147. Peter, that'll
never work.
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148. It's worth a try.
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149. Come on, Joe,
don't be so negative.
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150. You're like a Boston
fortune cookie.
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151. "I don't know, numbnuts.
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152. Maybe buy a garage and fill it
with hockey equipment."
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153. Huh.
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154. Well, let's see
what my lucky numbers are.
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155. "Screw you, math dick."
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156. Well, that wasn't
very helpful at all.
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157. Here you go, Stewie.
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158. I know clothes shopping
always cheers you up.
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159. I can't believe I'm only
going to be five-foot-one.
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160. Aw, come on, look
at the bright side.
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161. You'll be in the front row
of every class picture.
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162. Holding that little plaque.
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163. You suck.
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164. Why don't you go drink out
of the fountain?
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165. I'll text you
when I'm done.
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166. I know you're
trying to be rude,
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167. but I am gonna do that,
because I find it enjoyable.
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168. Excuse me, I was
looking at this.
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169. Sorry, I've made a decision
to go for that shirt,
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170. and when that happens,
it is on.
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171. Full throttle, man. Pow!
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172. Wow, you're an energetic
little fellow.
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173. I guess your mommy lets
you drink coffee, huh?
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174. Whoa, whoa, I-I don't put
stimulants in my body.
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175. You know something?
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176. You kind of remind me
of Tom Cruise.
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177. Boom.
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178. You-you got me, man.
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179. Wow,
Tom Cruise.
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180. You look, um...
bigger in the movies.
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181. Wh-What are you doing here?
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182. Oh, I get all my clothes from
out-of-the-way toddler stores.
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183. Ooh, uh, you want
an animal cracker?
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184. Sure, you got
a lion in there?
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185. Oh, no,
I eat those first.
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186. I believe eating
the lions gives me power.
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187. Yeah, I hear you believe
in a lot of crazy stuff.
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188. What'd you get there?
A giraffe?
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189. Yeah.
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190. Good, good.
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191. It's good for eyesight.
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192. Well, you're certainly upbeat.
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193. Let me ask you,
doesn't it bother you
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194. being an adult man
who's that short?
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195. 'Cause the doctor says
that's where I'm headed.
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196. Oh, no way, man.
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197. The middle of the word
"short" is "or."
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198. "Or" gives you a choice.
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199. And I choose not to be short.
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200. Wow, you need a road map
for that one.
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201. Hey, hey,
I'll tell you what.
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202. You spend the day with me,
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203. you'll see how great
it is to be short.
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204. You'll feel like
you're discovering a new world.
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205. And you know what's in
the middle of the word "world"?
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206. Um... "or"?
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207. Yes!
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208. The dots have appeared, man,
let's connect them!
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209. You're... you're a weirdo,
but let's do this.
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210. All right, check
it out, Bonnie.
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211. This is how we're
gonna fool Joe's dad.
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212. Oh, my God.
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213. Yeah, looks
real, right?
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214. I put this pair of pants
on the front legs of this horse
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215. and strapped Joe
to the front
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216. with his legs tied
behind the horse's neck.
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217. And then we put Cinnamon's head
up the back of Joe's shirt
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218. and simply hid the rest of the
horse behind this curtain.
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219. His breath is very
moist, Peter.
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220. And to induce movement, I'm
gonna snap the horse's balls
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221. with this dampened
kitchen towel.
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222. Aah! Oh, my God!
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223. Holy crap, he's
out of control!
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224. Does it look real?
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225. Plan B! an B!
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226. Peter, I'm
raid this is hopeless.
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227. What, I don't know
what else to do.
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228. I mean, we're not
gonna come up
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229. with something better
than the horse.
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230. Yeah, I guess you're just
gonna have to tell your dad
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231. about your handicap.
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232. I can't do that.
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233. If you guys were in my shoes,
you'd understand.
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234. Wait a minute, that's it!
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235. I will get in your shoes.
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236. I'll just pretend to be you.
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237. I mean, your dad ain't
seen you in years.
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238. He won't know
the difference.
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239. What? That's crazy.
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240. Boy, that was a close call.
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241. Is some of this room cold?
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242. All right, Peter,
almost done.
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243. Huh? Huh?
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244. Eh, kind of.
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245. Yeah.
I don't care.
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246. Peter, I don't
know about this.
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247. It seems like
a bad idea.
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248. Look, Lois, Joe is one
of my best friends, all right?
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249. I'm only doing this
to help him.
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250. Besides, wait till you hear
my "Joe" voice.
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251. Uh, God, I hate
being stuck in this chair.
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252. No, Peter,
that fights it.
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253. That's Bud.
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254. Are you ready, Peter?
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255. I think so.
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256. What do you think,
acting coach?
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257. I think you will be
exemplary, Peter.
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258. All good acting coaches
are insane old ladies.
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259. Emote!
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260. Hi, Bud.
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261. Hi, Joe's dad.
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262. Uh, I mean, uh, Dad.
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263. Uh, Joe, I'm Joe;
you're my dad.
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264. Joe?
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265. Wow, I guess it really
has been a long time.
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266. I barely recognize you.
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267. Put on a little weight,
haven't you?
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268. Well, I could say
the same for you.
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269. Sometimes I don't
understand why people laugh.
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270. All right, everyone in the car.
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271. We got a Father's Day
dinner reservation.
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272. Why is Mr. Swanson coming?
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273. And why is he dressed like Dad?
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274. I don't know, kids.
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275. I stopped asking after your
father said he shot a horse.
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276. Thanks for
the ride-along.
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277. I liked when you sentenced those
two girls to kiss each other.
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278. Yeah, all girls are lesbians
when you point a gun at 'em.
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279. Boy, it's been great
spending time with you, son.
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280. It's been great spending
time with you, too...
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281. Dad.
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282. Oh, this'll be fun.
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283. Let's see how long it takes them
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284. to get Gumby over there
into the car.
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285. Yeah, that's our neighbor,
Peter Griffin.
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286. That's the guy
who e-mailed me?
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287. Huh, no wonder it was all caps
with tons of typos.
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288. He's a water head, right?
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289. Yeah, he's a mess.
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290. Look at his ugly kids.
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291. Pathetic.
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292. Ugh, he's not fitting.
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293. Just put some of him
in the back like skis.
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294. Hey, Stewie.
What's up?
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295. When you
say it like that,
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296. you sound just
like Tom Cruise.
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297. What?
Oh, yeah,
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298. I've been hanging
with Tom Cruise.
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299. You've been hanging out
with Tom Cruise?
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300. Sure have.
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301. We spent the whole
day together,
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302. and he showed me
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303. there's a lot of
advantages to being short.
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304. Oh, yeah? Like what?
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305. You're the last one
to get wet when it rains?
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306. Well, yeah, that.
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307. And you can chow
pie standing up.
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308. We didn't do any of that,
but the point is,
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309. I'm at peace
with being short.
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310. Full throttle, man!
Pow!
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311. Hello?
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312. Oh, hi,
Dr. Hartman.
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313. Mrs. Griffin,
I have some good news.
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314. Turns out your son
is going to be normal height.
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315. I read his chart wrong
yesterday.
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316. Apparently, I have something
called "dislooxia"?
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317. That was the doctor.
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318. Apparently, Stewie's not
gonna be short after all.
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319. What? Really?
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320. That's wonderful news!
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321. Oh, I'm so relieved
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322. my child is spared
some heartache.
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323. Now, come on, Brian, I guess
we should try to make it
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324. over to Meg's
birthday party.
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325. Could I have some bread
while I open my presents?
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326. At this point,
we're gonna have to start
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327. charging you
for the bread.
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328. Hey, Stewie!
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329. You want to check out
the go-kart
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330. I used in Days of Thunder?
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331. Yeah, listen, um...
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332. I just found out I'm
actually going to be tall,
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333. so I'm no longer comfortable
hanging out with someone
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334. whose teeth are bigger
than their fingers.
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335. What?
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336. That's...
that's barely true.
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337. Yeah, so...
see you later.
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338. You are making a big mistake,
Stewie!
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339. Nobody walks away
from Tiny Tom Cruise!
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340. Yeah, except for
all three of your wives.
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341. Okay, I'm
shutting this now.
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342. Okay, so... bye!
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343. So now, since I switched
to disposable catheters,
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344. I no longer have those beet-red
infections in my urethra.
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345. Oh, no.
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346. I hope it's not genetic.
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347. Chris, he's
not our dad.
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348. I can't keep up with this ruse.
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349. Hey, everybody!
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350. Peter, finally,
you're home.
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351. How's it going over there
with my dad?
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352. Awesome. He fell for
the whole thing.
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353. In fact, we've been
having a great time!
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354. Wow, that's
terrific, Peter!
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355. You'll only have to pull it
off for a few more hours.
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356. Then he'll be on a plane
tomorrow and I can go home.
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357. Oh, that's
the other good news.
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358. Bud's not leaving!
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359. I told him he can move in
with me and Bonnie.
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360. What?
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361. Peter, this is crazy!
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362. Na it's gonna
work out fine.
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363. Oh, and remember, Joe,
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364. if Lois is feeling
frisky at night,
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365. it's index finger
around and clockwise.
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366. And just keep
doing that to yourself
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367. until you're good to go.
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368. Peter, this is ridiculous.
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369. You can't live in my house
with my dad and my family!
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370. Your dad got me
super clean in the tub.
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371. Joe's right,
this is idiotic.
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372. What are you thinking?
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373. I'll tell you what I'm thinking.
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374. I'm thinking that
I've had two dads
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375. and neither one cared for me
as much as Bud does.
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376. Peter, I've had
enough of this!
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377. You can't just
take my dad!
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378. Well, he's right
next door.
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379. Nothing's stopping you
from going over there
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380. and telling him the truth:
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381. that his son is a paraplegic
who's stuck in a wheelchair.
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382. You know I
can't do that.
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383. Ah, suit yourself.
But I gotta go.
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384. Me and Bud are
having a blast.
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385. I'm sorry, Joe.
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386. A-Are you okay?
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387. Not really.
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388. I'll be honest,
Lois, this hurts.
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389. Hurts like the Dickens.
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390. I've finished
my latest novel.
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391. Splendid, Charles!
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392. What is it called?
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393. Oliver Nipple-Twist.
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394. Ow!
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395. Oh, Charles, you bastard!
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396. Yeah! The Dickens!
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397. It hurts like the me!
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398. So, anyone going to
the gerbil's funeral on Friday?
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399. Okay, kids!
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400. Everyone in a circle
for parachute time.
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401. Oh, goodie,
I love parachute time!
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402. Whee!
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403. Whee!
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404. Whee!
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405. What the hell?
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406. That kid looked like
Tiny Tom Cruise.
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407. Whee!
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408. Huh.
Must've been my imagination.
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409. Aah!
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410. If you think
you're getting away from me,
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411. you've got a crazy laugh
coming, friend.
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412. Aah!
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413. Hey, what are you doing home
so early?
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414. He's following me, Brian!
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415. Who's following you?
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416. Tom Cruise!
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417. I spend one afternoon
with the guy,
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418. and it's like I signed
an eight-year contract
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419. to show up at events with him
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420. and let him fake-father a child.
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421. Stewie, I would think Tom Cruise
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422. has better things to do
than follow you around.
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423. Oh, really?
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424. Well, explain that!
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425. You know, it's times
like this where I think,
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426. if I didn't talk and
you were a normal baby,
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427. we wouldn't have
any of these problems.
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428. You gotta help me
get rid of him, Brian!
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429. He's creepier
than that guy at the gym
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430. who just does karate
in the mirror.
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431. It's me.
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432. The guy's me.
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433. I'm a gym karate creep.
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434. I'm pretty good, too.
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435. But relax.
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436. If I wanted you dead,
you'd be dead.
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437. Hey, Dad, what do you
say we go play catch?
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438. And throw me
some divers.
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439. I want to get grass stains
on my school slacks.
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440. What?
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441. You're a grown man.
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442. I know, it's just so
great having a dad.
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443. Well, it's nice having
reconnected with you, too.
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444. All right, let's do it.
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445. Oh, for God's sake.
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446. See, a guy like that
should just stay inside
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447. so we don't have
to look at him.
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448. Joe, go over there
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449. and tell him to get
back in his house.
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450. Don't worry, I'll
take care of it.
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451. Joe, you gotta go inside.
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452. You're upsetting my dad.
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453. Your dad?
That's right!
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454. He loves me
in a way that...
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455. Aw, you guys had pizza?
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456. Screw you, Peter!
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457. You know what? This is over!
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458. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
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459. Not a chance.
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460. I like your house better.
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461. I got nothing to hold onto
when I poop at home.
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462. You have no idea how many shower
curtains I've ripped down.
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463. Now get inside.
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464. No, I'm not
gonna do that.
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465. Oh, yes, you are!
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466. Get away from me,
you son of a bitch!
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467. What the hell?
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468. Joe, don't take that
from him!
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469. How do you like that?
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470. You're getting
your ass kicked by a cripple!
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471. A helpless,
spaghetti-legged cripple!
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472. What are you doing?
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473. You're my son!
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474. You can't let yourself
get beat up
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475. by a guy
in a wheelchair!
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476. Your son is a guy
in a wheelchair.
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477. What are you talking about?
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478. Yes.
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479. Yes, Dad.
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480. It's me.
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481. Joe!
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482. What the hell
happened to you?
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483. I was shot in
the line of duty.
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484. "Line of duty."
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485. So, this is why you haven't
called me in all these years?
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486. How could I, Dad?
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487. You always made fun
of handicapped people.
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488. The only thing I never
understood was... why?
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489. I don't know.
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490. I guess I could
never stand the thought
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491. of something like that
happening to me.
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492. Or even worse, to someone
that I care about.
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493. One time, my legs fell
asleep on the toilet.
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494. I had to crawl
into the living room
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495. and interrupt
Lois's book club.
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496. That was one of the shower
curtains I ripped down.
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497. And I suppose, deep down,
I was afraid.
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498. Afraid that, if it did happen,
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499. I wouldn't be strong enough
to handle it.
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500. Well, Dad, I can tell you
from experience
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501. it's only when
your worst fears come true
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502. that you get to find out
how strong you really are.
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503. Then I guess I've got
some learning to do.
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504. I love you, son.
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505. I love you, too, Dad.
I love you, too, Dad.
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506. Hey, Joe, uh,
just one question:
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507. why do you have all those
Wizard of Oz plates?
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508. Because if I finish
my vegetables,
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509. I get to see
the Yellow Brick Road.
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510. All right,
you sold me.
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511. All right, Brian,
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512. Tiny Tom Cruise
is somewhere close.
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513. I can sense
his manic energy.
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514. You remember the plan?
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515. Yup, I got it.
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516. Help, help!
My dog got off his leash!
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517. Is there anyone
who can do a pumpy-arm run?
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518. Running, running, running,
running, running, running, run!
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519. Hey, Stewie. I'm here to help
you for the next billion years.
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520. All right, good to know.
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521. Anyway, my dog ran
around those bushes.
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522. I am on it!
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523. Gotcha!
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524. All right,
off to Zappos with him.
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525. You sure this
is gonna work?
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526. Oh, yeah.
They'll accept any returns.
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527. We don't even
have to pay postage.
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528. Hello, friend.
Your life...
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529. is about to change.
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530. Hey, Tom. It's been
a couple weeks.
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531. Hey, listen, Joe, I'm sorry
I treated you like such a jerk.
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532. Well, that's okay, Peter.
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533. In fact, I got to say, it
was a nice thing you did.
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534. I'm glad I reconnected with
my dad after all these years.
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535. Ah, it was my pleasure.
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536. There's no more important
relationship than...
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537. I'm sorry, Cleveland,
what the hell
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538. is that
Toronto Raptors hat?
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539. It was my
Father's Day present.
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540. I hate it.
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541. I'm just gonna
wear it for a week
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542. then say
I lost it.
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543. Anyway, thanks for
helping me, Peter.
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544. Yeah, it all
worked out great, Joe.
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545. Except I am still missing
that one pair of pants.
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546. Excuse me,
are those Bugle Boy jeans?
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