1. Hey, welcome to Bonnie's
29th birthday party.
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2. I ca... I can't keep this up.
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3. She's 46.
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4. Here, we brought you guys
an orchid from Trader Joe's,
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5. because we don't know
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6. or care about
any of your interests.
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7. Well, I put together
some videos
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8. for Bonnie's party.
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9. Here we are on our honeymoon.
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10. Yeah, Cabo was great.
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11. We even went back
for our 10th anniversary.
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12. Better wrap it up,
honey, tide's coming in.
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13. Well, let's break for presents,
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14. but after that, I'll show you
Susie's birth video,
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15. and I'll tell you,
she fell out of there
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16. like an orange out
of an old dress sock.
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17. Ugh, I have to text Rupert
what a train wreck this is.
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18. Hey, I want real things.
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19. Kind of weird they're keeping
all our jackets in the tub.
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20. Bonnie?
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21. I told you, Joe,
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22. when we're alone,
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23. you can call me "Bonald."
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24. No, I-it's me, Brian.
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25. Is that your real name?
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26. I mean, are you...
are you okay?
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27. Sorry, am I
allowed on the bed?
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28. I guess so.
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29. What's wrong?
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30. Nothing.
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31. I have something
in my eye.
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32. Yes, you do.
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33. It looks
like sadness.
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34. Come on, you
can tell me.
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35. I'm your
neighbor's dog.
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36. I don't know.
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37. It's just that
when I was young,
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38. I had so many things
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39. I wanted to do
with my life,
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40. but now, I'm 46,
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41. and all I've ever done
is take care of Joe.
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42. And now you feel like
you never had a chance
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43. to be your true self.
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44. Yeah.
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45. I know just how you feel.
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46. I mean, I'm happy
that Peter found me
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47. and gave me a home, but
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48. sometimes I wonder
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49. if I'd be happier
on my own.
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50. Exactly.
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51. It's like sometimes,
I feel...
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52. Trapped?
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53. No, I was going to say,
"like the Von Trapps."
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54. You know, unable to leave
their home in Austria.
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55. Oh. Well, that still
is remarkably close.
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56. Thanks for being
so nice to me, Brian.
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57. Why are you scratching
behind my ear?
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58. I... I don't...
I don't know.
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59. I thought it might
make you feel better.
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60. It does feel kind of nice.
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61. You're a good girl.
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62. You're going to be okay.
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63. I'm... I'm sorry.
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64. I did... I didn't...
I didn't mean...
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65. No, it's okay.
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66. Um... I better go downstairs
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67. before Joe realizes
I'm gone.
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68. And before Peter
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69. gets into the stuff
that's not for the party.
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70. Aw, Halloween candy!
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71. Peter, get out
of the pantry.
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72. Ah, I can't believe I just
kissed my friend's wife.
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73. I'm a bigger scumbag than Spock.
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74. I heard that there
was a Romulan ship
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75. spotted in our sector,
which means...
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76. Hey, hey.
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77. Kids, this morning,
Principal Shepherd
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78. wanted to say a few words.
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79. Thank you, Mrs. Abbott.
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80. Uh, before I start,
are these the normal kids
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81. or kind of the
"dur, dur" ones?
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82. It's a healthy mix.
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83. Good morning, children.
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84. It's that time
of the year again
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85. to fulfill your
community service requirement
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86. by signing up
for volunteer work.
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87. Do we get to choose
our own jobs?
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88. No, no, no, no.
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89. The jobs will be
assigned randomly
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90. but the cooler
and prettier students
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91. have the better jobs.
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92. For instance, blonde
chick in the third row
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93. will wash my car
this afternoon
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94. while, Little Miss Frumpkin
with all the questions,
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95. will work in an
old folks' home.
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96. Is "frumpkin" good?
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97. No, no.
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98. Brian, what are you
doing up so late?
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99. Ah, I'm having
trouble sleeping.
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100. I got to tell you something.
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101. I kissed Bonnie last night.
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102. What?
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103. I know! I know!
It was a huge mistake.
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104. So let's just do two
or three high-fives
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105. and then forget
it ever happened.
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106. Brian, if Joe finds out,
he'll kill you.
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107. Yeah, no kidding.
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108. That's why you can't
tell anybody.
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109. Promise me.
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110. Oh, don't worry.
Don't worry.
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111. I'm great at
keeping secrets.
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112. Well, except for
that one time
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113. you discovered
my hidden shame.
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114. Peter?
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115. Brian.
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116. I'm, uh, I'm sorry.
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117. I'm one of these guys now.
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118. I'm sorry, Brian, I'm sorry.
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119. Mrs. Parkhurst?
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120. I'm Meg, your new
student volunteer.
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121. Oh, you must be my
new student volunteer.
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122. Yeah, I just said that.
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123. What's your name, dear?
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124. It's Meg.
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125. Can... can I get
a new person?
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126. Nonsense, come in,
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127. and between you and me,
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128. I hate my new
student volunteer.
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129. That ugly little Meg.
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130. She says she's a girl,
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131. but she certainly has
a boy's body odor.
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132. Oh, come on in.
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133. Peter, Joe and Bonnie
are here for game night.
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134. Game night?
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135. Yeah, I figured it was
the least we could do,
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136. since you pulled up
a beheading video on your phone
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137. at their party
and showed it to everyone.
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138. It was really more about
how loud my phone can get.
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139. Peter, we're doing this.
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140. All right.
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141. But the Operation game
is out of batteries,
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142. so I'll have to
make the noise.
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143. You hear that?
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144. That's the sound
of bad surgery.
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145. All right,
I'm awesome at charades.
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146. Guys are going first.
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147. Okay, go.
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148. Uh, About a Boy.
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149. Uh, Four...
Four Weddings and a Funeral.
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150. Uh, Nine Months.
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151. Notting Hill.
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152. Yes, it was Notting Hill.
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153. I'm going to go
get more wine.
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154. Oh, hey.
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155. Hi, Brian.
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156. Um, listen,
about the other night.
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157. You haven't told anyone,
have you?
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158. No, no, of course not.
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159. I was going to
ask if you had.
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160. Hey, Brian,
can you bring me up a snack?
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161. I'm supposed to be in bed.
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162. Look, the other
night was great,
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163. but it was a mistake.
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164. You're right.
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165. Oh, man, what?
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166. Yeah, I me... I mean, there's...
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167. there's definitely some kind
of connection between us, but...
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168. I felt it, too,
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169. but maybe in another life, huh?
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170. Yeah, I guess
you're right.
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171. This could never work.
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172. Like porn movies
before sound.
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173. Ooh.
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174. Oh, there you are.
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175. Come on, Bonnie,
it's Joe's turn.
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176. Okay, here we go,
uh, uh, crippled guy...
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177. uh, cheating wife...
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178. uh, uh, cheating wife
of a crippled guy...
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179. Uh, dog... some... something
with a dog... uh, dog kiss.
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180. I-I-I, uh, I think
that's, uh, time.
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181. Your, your turn is over.
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182. Oh, sounds like, uh, sounds like
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183. dog kisses crippled guy's wife
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184. at your party.
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185. Wait, wait! I know it.
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186. The other night at your party,
Brian kissed Bonnie.
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187. What?
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188. Bonnie, is this true?
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189. Oh, my God.
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190. I know, making out with a dog?
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191. Can you even imagine a woman who
possibly does that for real?
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192. Uh, hi, Joe.
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193. Hi, Brian.
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194. Look, I-I want to apologize
for what happened.
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195. I-I-I didn't mean
to kiss Bonnie.
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196. Everybody had a little
too much to drink.
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197. It-it just happened.
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198. Uh, I hope we're still cool.
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199. Hey, don't worry about it.
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200. It was a crazy party.
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201. We ran out of salsa.
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202. How do you run out of salsa?
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203. Anyway, we're good.
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204. Really?
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205. Oh, thank God.
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206. I-I-I was worried you'd be mad.
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207. Mad? At my buddy, Brian?
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208. Not a chance.
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209. Hey, is that your car?
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210. What? No!
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211. Wh-what's he doing?
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212. My car was parked legally.
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213. Huh. Well, maybe your car
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214. violated some sort
of unspoken boundary.
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215. One that nobody
bothers to codify
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216. because it's just
common decency.
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217. Hey, Joe, is that the guy?
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218. Read your text, Jerry.
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219. Not supposed to say
you know me.
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220. Well, I hope your day
gets better, Brian,
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221. but, uh, I wouldn't
count on it.
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222. Boy, it wasn't easy
Mrs. Parkhurst,
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223. but I think we
got the nail
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224. that was poking
through your slipper.
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225. Well, you strike
me as someone
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226. who's never going
to get married,
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227. that's for sure.
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228. Now get me my itch cream.
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229. Is it in the drawer?
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230. Shut up!
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231. I'm trying to
hum atonally.
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232. Ugh.
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233. Here's your cream.
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234. See you Thursday.
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235. Oh, my God,
I can't believe I stole this.
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236. You know what?
I don't feel bad.
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237. That woman's a nightmare.
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238. Ooh, I should text this
to my best friend.
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239. Sick brooch!
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240. Adam, are you done with
that mayor homework, yet?
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241. It's called a bill, Mom.
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242. Hey, Brian,
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243. I, uh, feel that things
have been awkward between us,
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244. but just to show you
there's no hard feelings,
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245. can I buy you a drink?
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246. You know what?
Sure, thanks.
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247. What the hell happened?
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248. Ah! How do I walk?
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249. Are these forever?
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250. I also rubbed my butt on you
while you were unconscious.
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251. I like to put stuff online.
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252. Meg, Mom said that...
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253. Hey, what's all this stuff?
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254. Stuff I stole from
the old folks' home.
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255. But you should see
how they treat me.
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256. Meg, that's no excuse.
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257. Stealing is just plain...
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258. Oh, my God, is that
someone else's glasses?
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259. I love wearing other
people's glasses.
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260. Do I look like I stole
atomic secrets?
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261. You do.
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262. Wow, this is awesome.
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263. I want in.
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264. And there's the
splitting headache
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265. from wearing someone
else's glasses.
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266. Okay, Chris, here's a room
I haven't hit, yet.
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267. Here, follow my lead.
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268. Who's there?
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269. Why are you in my room?
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270. Oh, hi.
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271. You died, and I'm here
to take you to heaven.
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272. Um, upsy-daisy, here we go.
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273. Well, now that
I'm in heaven...
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274. Hurry, take everything,
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275. and be quick or we'll
be in bigger trouble
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276. than a fat guy
at a water park.
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277. Come on, Dad, let's go
on the water slide.
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278. I can't fit.
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279. I'm afraid
I'll get stuck.
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280. I'll just go in
the lazy river.
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281. But, Dad...
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282. No, son, this is
the life I've chosen.
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283. Guys, thanks again
for doing this.
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284. Joe has been making
my life hell.
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285. Of course.
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286. All right,
now when Joe gets here
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287. we're just going to tell him
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288. he needs to lighten up on Brian,
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289. and then we'll all talk
this thing out
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290. so we can move past it.
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291. And then I get
to show my card trick?
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292. If there's time.
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293. Let's make this quick.
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294. What's going on?
What's all this?
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295. Joe, we all know what happened
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296. and we're here for you.
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297. But we think that you're taking
this revenge on Brian
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298. just a little too far.
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299. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, come on.
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300. It's... it's like
enough is enough.
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301. The Triscuits are
the rosemary kind,
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302. not the regular kind.
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303. Me? I'm not the guy
who violated the sanctity
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304. of someone else's marriage.
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305. Well, you make a
good point, Joe,
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306. and you're right,
this is Brian.
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307. We all know
he don't care
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308. where he gets
his wick wet.
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309. Just ask
Quagmire's father.
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310. Okay, we might be getting
a little off track, here.
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311. Yeah, yeah, Brian's right.
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312. Joe, you're out of control.
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313. Even though Brian's
been trying
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314. to do my wife for years,
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315. and on some level,
I hate him for it.
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316. Oh, Brian's a complete dick,
we all know that,
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317. but I think we're
losing sight of the point
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318. that Bonnie's a weird slut
who's always letting you know
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319. she's open for business.
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320. What? When am I doing that?
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321. Oh, come on, when are
you not doing that?
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322. With that
boo-boo-baby voice,
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323. and that
still-breastfeeding rack.
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324. Give me some of that!
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325. I'm Bonnie's friend,
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326. but she could
sometimes get the mail
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327. in something other than a robe.
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328. Okay, so we're all
in agreement,
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329. Bonnie and Brian
are terrible people.
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330. Quagmire, I want you
to think of a card,
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331. but do not tell me what it is.
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332. Okay, enough.
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333. How dare any of you
criticize Bonnie?
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334. For years, she gave
up her own dreams
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335. to take care of Joe.
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336. And yeah, maybe
she kissed me.
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337. Maybe she needed to
because she feels
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338. so trapped in
her marriage.
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339. It's true.
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340. No one ever takes the time
to ask how I feel.
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341. Brian's the only one.
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342. They don't get us, Bonnie,
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343. and you deserve
better than this.
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344. We both do.
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345. You know what?
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346. Let's get out of here.
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347. Wow, we are zero for two
on interventions today.
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348. I'm not changing for nobody.
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349. You're no... you're the ones
with the problems.
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350. Ah, we did it.
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351. We don't need those
narrow-minded losers.
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352. This is so exciting.
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353. We can finally live the
lives we've always wanted.
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354. Like, I can finally start
my jewelry design business
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355. making earrings for tweens.
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356. Listen, hear that?
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357. That is the sound
of not making
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358. an enormous mistake.
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359. I think I hear it.
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360. Oh, hang on, looks
like we need gas.
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361. So do you have,
like, a credit card?
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362. Nope and no cash, either,
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363. but I don't care.
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364. I couldn't stand
another moment with Joe.
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365. It was torture just watching
him do a crossword puzzle.
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366. Hey, Bonnie, what's a
five-letter word for marriage?
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367. Fraud.
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368. Uh, it's got to start
with a "U".
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369. Union.
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370. Boy, you stink at this.
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371. Boy, it's just so
comforting to be here
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372. surrounded by
other people's memories.
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373. Back into the
sleeve with you.
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374. Can you hand me
another nylon
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375. that I use as a sock
with my huge beige shoe?
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376. Sure, and can you
hand me that ashtray?
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377. I might fire up
this pipe again.
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378. Chris, that's not
an ashtray.
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379. That's an urn
for someone's ashes.
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380. Really?
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381. Yeah, you've been
putting your pipe out
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382. in some guy.
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383. Oh, my God,
what are we doing?
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384. I feel awful.
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385. We need to give
everything back.
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386. Oh, you're right.
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387. We need to do
the right thing.
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388. Like the dad
from Small Wonder.
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389. All right, Vickie,
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390. time to shut you down
for the night.
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391. Good-night.
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392. See you tomorrow.
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393. Nah.
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394. She's really gone,
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395. and she took little
Susie with her.
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396. I miss that baby
more than anything.
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397. Oh, I guess she
left it here.
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398. Joe, I want you to know,
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399. I will not support
that relationship.
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400. If Brian and Bonnie
get married,
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401. I will not go.
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402. Although, Brian might want
me to be his best man.
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403. Then I'd have to go,
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404. and I'd have to dance.
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405. It would be weird to
be best man and not dance.
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406. And I'd have
to give a toast,
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407. and say that Bonnie's
the best thing
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408. that ever happened to him.
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409. You know, she is
the best thing
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410. that ever happened to him,
but don't worry, Joe.
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411. I'll only refer to you
as Bonnie's ex.
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412. You know, like,
"Bonnie has an ex,
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413. but Brian marks the spot."
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414. Oh, Peter, that's good.
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415. Thanks, babe.
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416. I hope Brian and Bonnie
are as happy as us.
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417. To Brian and Bonnie.
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418. Bad news:
the teenage runaways
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419. at table four were
not big tippers.
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420. We just need enough
money to get to Taos.
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421. That's like the capital
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422. of making and selling
your own jewelry.
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423. Okay, enough about
the jewelry.
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424. Do you even know
how to make it?
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425. I know how to
make jewelry.
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426. I just don't know
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427. how to make the
metal go into shapes.
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428. Hey, you know what'd be great?
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429. If you could talk with even
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430. a little bit of inflection
to your voice,
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431. so it doesn't sound so much
like a power sander.
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432. Screw you.
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433. You tweet things that
aren't worth tweeting.
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434. Well, I'm sorry,
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435. but Kim Kardashian
did get famous
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436. for making a sex tape.
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437. We all know that.
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438. That's not yours.
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439. And stop breathing
through your mouth.
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440. It's really annoying.
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441. I'm panting.
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442. That's how I sweat,
you dumb bitch.
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443. No, it isn't.
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444. Dogs sweat
through their paws.
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445. You're such a
know-it-all, Brian,
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446. you don't even know
about your own body.
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447. At least I've
had an orgasm.
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448. Wow, I am sorry.
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449. Look, th-this isn't us.
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450. This is just the no food
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451. and sleeping in
a car talking.
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452. We can make this work,
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453. like couples who
meet on Craigslist.
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454. You're not what you look like
in your picture.
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455. Let's get this over with.
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456. I wonder which one of us
is the murderer?
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457. Okay, we ditch this stuff
in the day room,
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458. and then I'm done
with my volunteer hours
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459. and we never come
back here again.
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460. Mrs. Parkhurst?
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461. Look at you two,
stealing from the elderly.
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462. You're worse than that
Juliette Lewis
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463. who makes out with dogs.
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464. Wait, is that a real thing?
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465. Where did you hear that?
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466. What are your sources?
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467. Listen, we're very sorry
we stole from you,
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468. but you have it all back now,
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469. so we cool, right?
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470. You know I should call
the police on you.
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471. The police?
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472. Or maybe, instead,
we do things my way.
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473. What's that?
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474. You will spend time with us
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475. every afternoon after school,
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476. doing jigsaw puzzles,
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477. reading us the newspaper,
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478. listening to poorly remembered
stories that have no point.
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479. You monster.
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480. Sit down.
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481. Now I feel some
dementia coming.
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482. Feed me pudding
while I grip
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483. your wrist in terror.
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484. Ah, this isn't
my house.
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485. See, if I make
under 20 grand
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486. for 20 years,
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487. my film school debt
just goes away.
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488. That's a government rule.
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489. Bonnie?
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490. Joe?
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491. How did you find me?
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492. Love is a powerful compass.
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493. Any time I quiet my mind
and clear my heart,
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494. it always leads me to you.
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495. Plus, dirtbag here has
a chip in his ear.
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496. I do?
Damn it.
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497. No wonder Peter's so good
at hide-and-seek.
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498. You're under the canoe
in Quagmire's yard.
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499. Son of a bitch!
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500. Bonnie, I understand
now why you left.
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501. Over the years, I probably have
become too dependent on you,
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502. and I'm sorry if you've
had to put your dreams
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503. on hold because of me.
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504. Oh, Joe.
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505. But I'm here to
fight for you, Bonnie.
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506. And if you're willing
to come back home,
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507. I promise I'll spend the rest
of my days taking care of you,
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508. just the way you've
always taken care of me.
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509. Of course,
I want to come home, Joe.
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510. I love you.
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511. Wow, I guess just
call me Cupid, huh?
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512. You're welcome.
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513. Ow! Damn it!
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514. Hey, Bri, came to try
that apple pie
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515. you were texting about.
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516. Oh, you're shot.
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517. Well, Chris and I sure
learned a lot this week.
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518. Ha, you think you
learned a lot.
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519. I had quite
an adventure.
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520. You know what guys?
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521. We only got like
15 seconds left.
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522. We're going to have
to do these at the same time.
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523. Let's race.
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524. And... go.
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525. So Chris and I learned
that just 'cause people are old,
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526. that doesn't mean
you should steal from them.
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527. Bonnie didn't let you
stir the paint, did she?
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528. No. But I am done messing
around with neighbors' wives.
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529. Here's an invitation
to Donna's birthday party.
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530. 'Cause maybe then I'd like it.
Hey, let me see that.
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531. You rascal.
Same old Meg.
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532. And the winner is:
Nobody.
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533. Especially not you.
Good night.
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