Family Guy 14x15

Directed by Joe Vaux

Glenn Close as Glenn Close (voice) • Breckin Meyer as (voice) • Adam West as Adam West (voice) • Ava Acres as Girl (voice)

When Stewie refuses to sleep in his own bed because of nightmares, Peter can’t stand it, so he goes to sleep in the attic. Peter turns the attic into a man cave and all of the guys begin hanging out there, which makes Lois incredibly angry. Meanwhile, Brian helps Stewie overcome his fears by building a device to go into his nightmares and defeat his demons.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Okay, who'd like to start us off with show-and-tell?

2. Stewie?

3. Yes, today I brought in my mother's driver's license.

4. Now, if you look closely, she's clearly drunk.

5. You could put a Breathalyzer up to that photo

6. and she'd get a DUI.

7. Ha-ha, Stewie's naked!

8. What?

9. Oh, my God! Don't look! Don't look!

10. Cell phones down! Cell phones down!

11. What the deuce? Stewie!

12. Run from the monster.

13. You might have to drive.

14. Thank you all so much for coming this evening

15. to my very fancy dinner party.

16. Oh, my God! I'm at Glenn Close's house!

17. You look very handsome tonight, Stewie.

18. Well, thank you. And you're the prettiest

19. of all the women I know whose name is Glenn.

20. Everyone, please finish your salads,

21. because our main course tonight is...

22. boiled rabbit.

23. I-I don't... I don't get that.

24. It seems weird that I'd have a joke in my own dream

25. that I don't get. Oh, thank you so...

26. Quick, you're almost on!

27. What? I'm on?

28. But I don't know any of my lines!

29. What the hell? Put him on the bench.

30. Wait, please, no! I just wasn't ready!

31. Don't worry. We'll put you in soon.

32. Ho-ho-ho!

33. Is funny because you won't be back!

34. Wait, how did Joe get halfway up those stairs?

35. Lois, get in here!

36. It's dark and I'm frightened!

37. I think they've got this thing backwards.

38. Hey, wake up!

39. I had a bad dream, so now your night has to be terrible.

40. Peter, Stewie's upset.

41. Scooch over so he can sleep with us.

42. Oh, come on. Are you serious?

43. Last time, he kicked me all night.

44. And I got a big day tomorrow. I got two shows.

45. All right, folks, big treat for you today.

46. He's a little shy.

47. Put your hands together for Sham-Peter!

48. I'm not shy! I'm angry!

49. I'm in constant pain!

50. This act has been condemned by over 30 nations!

51. I'm gonna kill you all!

52. Ah, crap. I can't sleep like this.

53. And now my mind is racin'.

54. Like, how does that candle in Beauty and the Beast

55. sing so good? I mean, the teapot I get,

56. 'cause she's a girl. But the candle, I don't under...

57. Oh, he's French. That's why.

58. Couch it is, I guess.

59. Oh, my God. The couch is gone.

60. Where the hell is... Oh, that's right.

61. Couchella is this weekend.

62. Hey, man, where you been?

63. I just had sex with a girl on her period!

64. Dude, that's not a brag!

65. So, how fat are you?

66. 240? Nice.

67. Oh, Peter! What are you doing down here?

68. Oh, hey, Brian. Stewie kind of took over our bed,

69. so I'm looking for a place to sleep.

70. Well, why don't you go up to the attic?

71. I think there's even a futon up there.

72. Huh. That's a great idea.

73. Geez, I'm glad you came along.

74. I'm gonna sleep better than a cartoon sheriff.

75. I was in jail 'cause I killed a bunch of old ladies.

76. And now that I'm out, I'm gonna do it again.

77. Wow, Stewie, you look exhausted.

78. Yeah, 'cause I was up super late last night, beefing your mom.

79. My mom's dead.

80. Yeah, 'cause I beefed her to death.

81. Whoa, what's your problem? Why are you being such a jerk?

82. I'm sorry, Brian. I had the absolute worst night.

83. I had a weird dream. A frightening dream.

84. Yeah, Stewie, that's called a nightmare.

85. Sounds like you must've had your first one.

86. That's what a nightmare is?

87. I thought "nightmare" meant, like, being invited

88. to an apartment party.

89. Get a house if you want to have a party.

90. I'm not going to a party in an apartment.

91. Relax, it's no big deal.

92. People have nightmares all the time.

93. Oh, no, Brian. I am not living through that horror again.

94. In fact, I've decided that from this day forward,

95. I shall never allow myself to fall asleep again.

96. Come on, that's ridiculous.

97. How do you think you're gonna do that?

98. I don't know. Maybe I'll get a job

99. working the night shift at a supermarket.

100. Hey, where's the vegetable aisle?

101. Yeah, right, it's 2:00 a.m. You're not here for vegetables.

102. Well, I got the 12 cucumbers.

103. What's wrong? Just this guy at the...

104. Never mind.

105. Peter, we have a hamper.

106. Stop throwing your dirty clothes in the toilet.

107. Peter?

108. Peter, where are you?

109. What's all this?

110. Oh, hey, Lois. Welcome to the Pete Pad,

111. where the dancing's hot, the drinks are hot...

112. Everything's just freakin' hot.

113. What have you done to the attic?

114. Well, when I slept up here the other night,

115. I realized what a great space it is.

116. So I dragged up some stuff and turned it into a sweet hangout.

117. Even made it extra awesome by stealing a real street sign.

118. I don't understand. What are you gonna do up here?

119. Eh, mostly just burn the roof of my mouth

120. on unevenly-heated microwave burritos.

121. Now I'm busy, so close the floor and get out of here.

122. All right, all right, come on, Stewie.

123. You've got to stay awake. I know what'll help.

124. I'll watch that preview channel

125. that always has inconsistent volumes.

126. They're mother and daughter but also best friends.

127. Catch Gilmore Girls on Channel 367.

128. You can name your own price for hotel rooms!

129. Help! Please!

130. Damn it! Why can't I move?

131. Aah!

132. Stewie, you okay? What happened?

133. I was just sitting here on the couch and I had

134. another nightmare about that horrible monster.

135. Okay, that's it.

136. I'm gonna help you get these nightmares under control.

137. Really? Oh, thank you, Brian.

138. And maybe I can help you control your strange obsession

139. with eating pencil erasers.

140. It's not an obsession.

141. Mmm, mmm, oh, yeah.

142. Oh, so rubbery. Mmm.

143. It's like a little steak. Mmm, mmm.

144. Brian, you really should...

145. The world is small and safe when I do this!

146. Okay, Stewie, I read the review of a dream book on Amazon,

147. so I think I can help you.

148. Literally every other tab is open to Lusty Matures.

149. Yup, that's what it takes now.

150. Anyway, it says here that most nightmares

151. are born of subconscious fears.

152. So maybe if we make a list of the things

153. you're most afraid of, we can face and conquer

154. these fears together, and then your nightmares'll end.

155. Huh, that's actually a good idea.

156. Like the U.S. Army Reserves.

157. We're completely surrounded. We need reinforcements.

158. You know who could really bail us out?

159. Somebody who works five days a week at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.

160. These new digs of yours are pretty great, Peter.

161. Hey, I brought construction paper and markers

162. in case you guys want to draw breasts.

163. Cool. But before that, who's up for another insulation fight?

164. I'm in. Heck yeah.

165. Ha!

166. Gotcha!

167. Missed me.

168. Sneak attack!

169. What are you doing up here?

170. I need you to take the trash out.

171. You know what? I'm gonna use this

172. Peter Doesn't Have to Take Out the Trash coupon

173. that I got for my anniversary.

174. You gave that to yourself.

175. I don't know, it says "official."

176. Oh, forget it, I'll do it myself.

177. This whole attic business is ridiculous.

178. Hey, guys, check it out.

179. I'm a lady.

180. Joe...

181. you hit a home run with that, I want to try it.

182. All right, Stewie, time to tackle your fears.

183. Now, it sounds like you're scared of monsters.

184. So to help you get over it. here's Frankenstein.

185. I'm Frankenstein.

186. I'm actually really nice.

187. There's no need to be scared of me.

188. Seriously?

189. This is obviously Chris in a costume.

190. Huh. Well, that can't be possible.

191. Because here comes Chris walking in the door right now.

192. Hey, hey, hey. Here comes Chris Griffin,

193. a-roodly-toot-toot.

194. Yeah, okay, whatever, Meg.

195. Meg?

196. You must be talking about me,

197. a-roodly-toot-toot.

198. Do they all say "a-roodly-toot-toot"?

199. A lot of them, yeah.

200. Chris, I'm putting together a load of laundry.

201. You got anything?

202. Damn it, Peter.

203. Are you guys playing lawn darts in the attic again?

204. No.

205. Yay, lawn darts!

206. Peter wins lawn darts.

207. She's dumb. She got no idea.

208. All right, Peter, that's enough.

209. It is time to get out of...

210. What the hell?

211. Oh, yeah, we put Joe in Stewie's old Jolly Jumper.

212. You told me this was a paratrooper's harness.

213. Shut up, baby man.

214. That's it. This is our home,

215. not some frat house for you and your friends.

216. Now, I want you out of this attic now.

217. No way, we ain't leaving.

218. We're having too much fun up here.

219. Quagmire just showed us his Eric McCormack impression.

220. There could be no such thing.

221. Well, that's what I said, but then he did it,

222. and I was like, "Oh, all right, okay, yeah, kind of."

223. Fine. You like the damn attic so much?

224. Then enjoy the attic!

225. Did... did she just lock us in here?

226. It looks like it.

227. Guys, spin me back. I didn't see what happened.

228. So, how'd it go last night? Did we cure your nightmares?

229. No, not at all. They were worse than ever.

230. Which is why I built this.

231. What the hell is that?

232. It's a Digital Dream Interface.

233. You see, once connected to this device,

234. you will be able to enter my sleeping mind, where

235. you will end these horrible dreams once and for all.

236. I'm gonna do what?

237. What... what-what does he want?

238. What is he saying?

239. I think he's saying "a-roodly-toot-toot".

240. We just can't understand him because of the way he talks.

241. Oh, no, no, I think he just needs a ride home.

242. Stewie, you can't be serious.

243. Oh, I'm very serious.

244. You and I will place these cranial impulse receptor caps

245. on our heads, I shall begin my slumber, and...

246. And then this thing will actually allow me

247. to enter your dream?

248. That's right, Brian.

249. I want you to come inside me while I'm asleep.

250. Do-Don't... don't say it like that.

251. And once you're in my dream, your job is to stop

252. these nightmares by finding that monster and killing him.

253. This isn't a job for the meek, Brian.

254. When you get in there, you've got to be hard.

255. Okay, but that felt intentional.

256. All right, let's get to it.

257. This is your receptor cap.

258. Over here is your REM monitor.

259. What's this thing do?

260. Oh, that's just a little bike bell for fun.

261. I found it at the crosswalk

262. where those kids got creamed the other day.

263. Anyway, let's get started.

264. Hello? Stewie?

265. Ah, you must be Brian. I'm Glenn.

266. Yes, I know. You were very mean in 101 Dalmations.

267. Thank you. Would you like to do the Bristol Stomp?

268. How does he even know this?

269. He heard it once in the car.

270. Jeez, Lois is really serious.

271. I can't believe she left us up here all night.

272. Damn it, we got to do something.

273. Maybe if we just scream for help someone'll hear us.

274. Help! Help! Help!

275. In case of a bear attack, you should

276. A, lie down,

277. B, run downhill,

278. or C, stand your ground?

279. and just because of the roles I play,

280. people always assume I'm very serious in real life.

281. Yeah, I could see that. But I'm not.

282. I'm very capable of being silly, too.

283. See, watch, I'll show you.

284. Fart.

285. I, uh... Did-did... did you just say "fart"?

286. Yes, that's me being rather silly.

287. Well, hello, Brian.

288. I say, what brings you here?

289. Stewie, hey! I'm here to find and kill the monster

290. that's been causing all your nightmares.

291. Oh, that sounds wonderful! Let's do it!

292. Oh, but real quick,

293. I'm just gonna turn into Elmo for a second.

294. Hi, Brian!

295. Elmo speak bad English on educational show!

296. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

297. Okay, I'm back. Let's go.

298. This way to the subconscious.

299. Oh, this seems rather pleasant. Yeah.

300. Hey, you know, that Glenn Close salad actually wasn't bad.

301. Yeah, a lot of my dreams have pretty good salad.

302. Oh, no. What? Where are we?

303. We're at the doctor!

304. Time for a baby shot in your fanny!

305. Come give Grandpa a sloppy, old-man, coffee kiss!

306. Would you like some candy?

307. Help me find my lost puppy?

308. I like your mouth and butt.

309. What the hell was that?

310. Lois has painted a very dark picture of abduction.

311. Adult stuff, adult stuff, adult stuff.

312. The world is scary, adult stuff, adult stuff.

313. Scary people yelling in another part of the world, adult stuff.

314. I wish Mom wouldn't watch the news in front of me!

315. Coming up: a map with a hurricane on it.

316. And you don't know your states yet!

317. Aah! That one trip to the petting zoo really messed me up!

318. I saw too much!

319. Stewie, look!

320. It's the monster!

321. Quick, Brian! Kill it!

322. Oh, there you guys are.

323. I would've been here sooner,

324. but one of my legs is a snake that's very hungry for mice.

325. Nice shot. Get it? Shot?

326. All right, bye!

327. You did it, Brian!

328. You killed the monster!

329. What the hell?

330. It's me!

331. Oh, my God, you're right!

332. But I... I don't understand.

333. Why am I the source of your fears?

334. Huh. I'm not sure.

335. Maybe this means that deep down,

336. the thing I'm most afraid of is disappointing you.

337. Me? Wh-Why do you care so much about what I think?

338. Well, think about it.

339. You've been more of a father figure to me

340. than the fat man ever has been or ever will be.

341. Look, I know I'm always busting your balls,

342. but it's just because you're the only person in this house

343. whose judgment actually matters to me.

344. Wow. Thanks, Stewie.

345. But listen, you-you never have to worry about letting me down.

346. I'll always be proud of you.

347. In fact, I already am.

348. You are?

349. 'Course I am.

350. I mean, you're only a baby, and yet,

351. you're one of the most amazing people I know.

352. Well, thank you, Brian.

353. Well, Stewie, seems like my work here is done.

354. What's the best way out of here?

355. Oh, yeah, no, that one stays locked

356. until the overnight to Vegas

357. with my college a cappella group.

358. Peter, I'm going crazy up here.

359. We all are!

360. You got to talk to Lois!

361. Damn it, you're right.

362. Lois, let us out of here!

363. No way! You like it so much?

364. Then you can rot up there with your buddies!

365. Lois, so help me God,

366. if you don't let us out right this second,

367. I'm gonna take a dump on your wedding dress!

368. You wouldn't dare!

369. Don't test me. I'll do it! We'll all do it!

370. Quagmire, pull down your pants!

371. What? I'm not doing that!

372. You leave my dress alone, Peter!

373. If it'll get us out of here, I'll make a doodie on it.

374. What, are you nuts?

375. I've been crowning for six hours!

376. Cleveland's pants are off, Lois!

377. Here come mine! This is happening!

378. Lois, they're not bluffing! Open the door!

379. I miss Bonnie!

380. Damn it, Peter, you hold that in!

381. I know you can!

382. You did it on the ferry to Block Island!

383. Oh, my God, I'm gonna puke!

384. That's good! Puke on the dress! Puke on the dress!

385. Aah, damn it!

386. Not all snake bites are lethal.

387. There! You happy?

388. You were too late. We pooed on the gown.

389. Ripped a big hole in your ceiling, too.

390. I barfed on Peter's ass.

391. I-I don't know if it got on the dress or not, Lois,

392. but I-I am... I am so sorry.

393. Yeah, this was all a huge disaster.

394. Let's just agree that we both went a bit too far, hmm?

395. I, uh... I might...

396. I might need two weeks off from this friendship.

397. Stewie, you awake?

398. Did you have any nightmares?

399. I don't think so.

400. Did you get rid of the monster?

401. Sure did. Turned out that monster was nothing more

402. than a manifestation

403. of your subconscious desire not to disappoint me.

404. Apparently, I'm like a father figure to you.

405. Okay. Wow. Somebody's got a big head.

406. Stewie, I want you to know... I'm very proud of you.

407. All right, that's... that's awkward.

408. How-how am I supposed to respond to that?

409. You are a good person. Stop complimenting me.

410. "Oh, I sure hope the dog approves of who I am."

411. I'm out of here, weirdo.

412. There's a wedding dress out here covered in.