1. @elder_man
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2. Oh, cool, somebody put
Billy Joel on the jukebox.
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3. Billy Joel?
This is Daft Punk.
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4. Dappunk?
Wh— I— What is that?
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5. That's not even words.
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6. What are you saying?
This is Billy Joel.
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7. It's "Anthony's Song,"
parentheses, "Movin' Out."
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8. First of all, it's "Movin' Out,"
parentheses, "Anthony's Song."
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9. And second of all,
this is 100% not Billy Joel!
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10. You know, when they
recorded "Movin' Out,"
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11. someone left the
studio doors open,
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12. and that's why, at the end,
you hear that car sound.
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13. That's not true either!
No, this is it.
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14. He's talking about going
all around the world
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15. 'cause this Anthony fella,
he's moving out.
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16. You know, to live
with Mr. Cacciatore
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17. down on Mulberry Street.
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18. And that's all I'm gonna
say about those two.
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19. Peter, I'm gonna punch
you with this beer mug
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20. till I'm holding
just the handle!
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21. Guys, calm down.
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22. There's one way
to solve this.
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23. I'll just use my phone.
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24. It says "'Around the World'
by Daft Punk."
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25. Thank you!
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26. God, you idiots are exhausting.
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27. Hey, Cleveland, how'd you
do that with your phone?
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28. I'm not an idiot.
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29. I used Shazam.
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30. It recognizes songs and
tells you their names.
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31. Yeah? Hey, what if
I farted into it?
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32. I don't know.
Be my guest.
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33. It says "Lana Del Rey."
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34. Wow, how do I get
this on my phone?
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35. You just download it.
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36. It's a app.
What's an app?
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37. They're little programs
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38. you use on your phone
while driving.
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39. Oh, man,
apps sound awesome!
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40. This is a real
game changer!
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41. Like the guy who invented
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42. wearing a sport jacket
with jeans.
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43. So, what can
I do for you?
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44. Well, I've got
to go to church,
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45. but I don't have time
to change from the rodeo.
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46. Excuse me, I thought
you were helping me find a look
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47. that'll let me cling
to my youth in my 40s.
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48. Yes, I'm interested
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49. in cheating on my wife
in Las Vegas.
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50. Gentlemen, I think I can
help all three of you.
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51. Brian, I'm in a bind.
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52. Joanne was supposed to
drive me to the club,
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53. but she's having
throat surgery.
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54. 20 years of
menthol slims.
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55. I don't understand
anything you just said.
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56. Just drive me to
the racquet club.
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57. Since when do you belong
to a racquet club?
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58. You know, I do have a life
outside this house.
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59. For example, I also write
restaurant reviews
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60. for the newspaper
under the name Hugh Cornwallis.
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61. Hugh Cornwallis?
He's, like...
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62. Super bitchy, I know.
Now come on, let's go.
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63. So, what? You're gonna
play tennis all day?
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64. No, I might also
hit the treadmill
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65. and watch
Kelly and Michael
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66. on mute with
closed captioning.
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67. "It's like kale
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68. "is everywhere these days,
am I right?
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69. unintelligible."
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70. I love them.
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71. They have such
an amazing chemistry.
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72. Yeah!
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73. Awesome!
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74. Peter, will you
keep it down?
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75. I'm trying to look at
lamps I'll never buy.
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76. Oh, yeah, sorry.
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77. Sweet!
What are you doing?
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78. Well, I just found out about
these things called apps,
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79. so that's kind of
all I do now.
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80. This one's a cool
bowling app I got.
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81. Aw, yeah, strike!
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82. Peter, your phone's
streaming to the TV.
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83. You're clearly
watching porn.
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84. Will you turn it off?
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85. I'm already caught, Lois.
I'm gonna finish.
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86. Peter, I'm...
I'm gonna finish!
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87. Just go over there!
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88. We're gonna be fine,
Lois, you and me.
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89. There you are, Dad.
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90. Where have you been?
I haven't seen you in days.
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91. Ugh. I went out of town
for a little while,
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92. but I made the
mistake of using
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93. this app called
Bear B'n'B.
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94. We're so happy you're
staying with us.
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95. Just a reminder, we ask that
you not use the DVD player,
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96. but you can watch
any of the VHSs.
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97. We have Clear and
Present Danger,
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98. Son of the Mask...
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99. oh, and here's
most of a puzzle.
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100. Okay, well, I don't
want any of that stuff.
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101. Fine. Well,
if the phone rings
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102. and we're not around,
just take a message.
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103. I'm kind of on vacation.
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104. Oh, and just a heads up,
the dog doesn't like men.
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105. Now, we serve breakfast from
6:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m.
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106. I'll skip breakfast.
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107. Uh, everyone
eats breakfast.
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108. I'm on vacation.
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109. All the more reason
to treat yourself.
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110. The house specialty
is a half-chewed trout
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111. we yanked out of the
river with our teeth.
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112. Ah, there's the bear stuff.
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113. Where are you going?
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114. Oh, I'm meeting up
with someone
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115. from my Grinder app.
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116. Isn't that for
anonymous gay hookups?
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117. No, no, no.
This one's a way for guys
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118. who enjoy sandwiches
to connect.
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119. You "Meatballfreak"?
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120. Uh-huh.
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121. All right,
let's do this.
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122. Are you also married?
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123. My phone's broken.
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124. I'm not surprised.
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125. It's probably because
of all those apps
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126. you've been downloading.
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127. Don't say "apps"
like you're young.
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128. No, I took it
in the shower
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129. 'cause I didn't know
you could pause a game.
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130. Here, Chris.
Your first cell phone!
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131. Yay!
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132. Something my dad held
in the bathroom!
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133. You know, Chris, you could
probably salvage that phone.
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134. If you put it in a bag of
uncooked rice, it'll dry out.
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135. Really?
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136. Yeah. And then you
can use the rice
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137. to pretend someone
wanted to marry you.
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138. Ladies and gentlemen,
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139. Mr. and Mrs. Dog
and Meg the Bounty Hunter!
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140. Holy moley!
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141. Marcy Miller!
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142. She bought feminine products
at my dad's pharmacy,
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143. so you know
she's up and running.
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144. Yeah, I wish I had
the guts to talk to her.
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145. Talk to her?
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146. Chris, no one talks
to each other anymore.
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147. If you want to get
a girl's attention,
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148. you text her a picture
of your penis.
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149. What? Really?
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150. Are-Are you sure?
Oh, yeah.
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151. People who send their daughters
to public high schools
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152. are basically
asking for this.
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153. Well, I did just get
this new phone from my dad.
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154. All right, what could go wrong?
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155. It worked out great for...
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156. Ah. This is it, Bri.
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157. The Quahog Racquet Club.
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158. Where frail old men come
to weigh themselves in the nude.
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159. Does that say 84 or 85?
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160. It says 63.
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161. Oh, dear.
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162. How'd you get all those
cuts on your butt?
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163. Wow, they allow drinking here
at 10:30 in the morning?
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164. Oh, yes, half the bathroom trash
is thrown-up scrambled eggs.
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165. Okay, so this place
has hot women,
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166. morning booze
and free vomit?
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167. Maybe I'll join you.
You don't play tennis.
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168. What are you talking about?
I'm a great tennis player.
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169. You are? Well, that's perfect.
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170. There's a doubles tournament
coming up,
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171. and I could really
use a partner.
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172. Well, you found him!
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173. All right, all right,
I suppose we can make this work.
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174. Like that actress
from Rizzoli & Isles
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175. and her husband do.
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176. Honey, I thought
we could do
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177. a little
role-playing tonight.
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178. Oh, yeah? What'd
you have in mind?
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179. Maybe I could be
my character from the show.
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180. Oh! Yeah!
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181. From the show!
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182. Sure.
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183. Um... oh, no!
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184. It's the... law
enforcement woman.
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185. Part of that great team
of Rizzoli and Isles.
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186. You don't know
what part I play, do you?
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187. Hey, look, you didn't marry me
because of my brains.
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188. You married me
because I play
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189. one of the main bad
guys in Blue Bloods.
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190. Now let's just stop talking
and have idiot actor sex.
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191. Thank you for coming,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
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192. We've got a bit
of a situation,
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193. which is why I've asked
Officer Swanson to join us.
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194. It appears Chris sent an
inappropriate photo of himself
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195. to one of his
classmates.
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196. That's right.
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197. He texted a picture
of his peenie.
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198. Oh, my God!
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199. And apparently the girl...
Oh, thank God.
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200. he sent it to
doesn't like him back,
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201. so she turned him in.
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202. Okay, I can see
everybody's mad, but...
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203. what'd you think?
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204. Thank you for
bringing this
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205. to our attention,
Principal Shepherd.
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206. We'll make sure
Chris apologizes
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207. to that little
knob-tease.
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208. I'm sorry, Lois,
but it's not that simple.
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209. When Chris sent
that picture,
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210. he was technically
distributing child pornography.
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211. Child pornography?
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212. Joe, that's crazy!
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213. He's just a teenager
who made a bad choice.
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214. I don't know what to say, but
the laws just haven't caught up
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215. to how cool kids are now.
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216. I'm sorry, but this makes Chris
a sex offender.
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217. Oh, my God!
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218. Huh.
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219. Well, I'm not about to make
a Batman exit right now,
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220. but has that thing
always been over there?
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221. Over where?
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222. What are you doing, Peter?
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223. Ah, you looked back
too fast.
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224. Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
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225. Today, we bring you a disturbing
case of child pornography.
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226. Local teenage scumbag
Chris Griffin,
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227. whose name will be omitted here,
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228. was caught sending,
quote-unquote,
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229. "graphic selfies of his hog"--
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230. not sure where
that quote is from—
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231. to another underage student.
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232. Coming up next, teleprompter guy
puts the period in a weird.
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233. Place.
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234. Oh, this is awful.
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235. Now everyone in town
knows I'm a sex offender!
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236. We know you didn't
mean any harm, Chris.
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237. We're just living
in a different time.
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238. When I was your age,
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239. boys used to just
whip it out on the bus.
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240. Can't I just go on the news
and tell everyone I'm sorry?
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241. Oh, I wish you
could, sweetie,
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242. but the law says that,
as a sex offender,
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243. you have to complete
a rehabilitation course.
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244. Oh, that sounds awful.
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245. Eh, can't be any worse
than our trip to Hawaii.
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246. Okay, before you do
anything else,
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247. I'm deathly allergic
to pineapple, pork,
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248. rum, macadamia nuts,
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249. stupid tiny guitars,
overpriced golf,
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250. sentimental
military stuff, lava,
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251. people who I can't tell
are black or Asian,
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252. apostrophes,
anyone twirling flames,
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253. second weddings
and linen pants.
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254. Is there anything
you're not allergic to?
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255. Yeah, the Epcot Center.
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256. Where I wanted to go.
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257. Good evening, I'm Glenn
Quagmire, your instructor.
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258. Everyone look to your left.
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259. Now look to your right.
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260. All of you are sex offenders,
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261. and statistically
you will all be here again.
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262. Because this has never worked
in the history of doing this.
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263. Now, today, we have a new
member— giggity— Chris G.
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264. Hi, Chris.
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265. All right, before we begin,
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266. whoever's driving
a windowless van
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267. painted like an ice cream truck,
your lights are on.
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268. Okay, next,
let's take a few minutes
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269. to talk about
our new, fake interests.
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270. Here's a clay pot I made.
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271. I've started following
girls' field hockey.
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272. No, come on.
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273. You're supposed to pick
from the list.
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274. Mr. Quagmire,
this is terrible.
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275. And do I really
have to be here?
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276. Well, the law does
give you a choice.
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277. This or chemical
castration.
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278. What's that?
You take a ton of pills
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279. that completely wipe
out all sexuality.
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280. Oh, is that what
Michael Moore did?
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281. No, but I understand
why you'd think that.
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282. Now, do you want
to see the list?
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283. I could take a whack at
hand-distressing furniture.
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284. We don't say "whack."
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285. Very good, Stewie.
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286. You grunt like
a Hungarian lesbian.
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287. Thanks, Dimitri.
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288. And, uh, your testicle's hanging
out of your shorts again.
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289. I am cooling it.
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290. But where is
this partner of yours?
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291. I don't know. He was supposed
to be here 15 minutes ago.
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292. You're right.
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293. So, anyway,
my ex said,
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294. "If you bring home
one more tennis trophy,
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295. I am out of here."
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296. Well, she was gone
in two days.
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297. Oh, Brian.
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298. "O'Brien"?
That's my Irish cousin.
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299. What are you doing?
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300. We're supposed to be
practicing for the tournament.
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301. Stewie, relax.
I promise we'll practice,
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302. but we just ordered bisque.
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303. How are you
paying for that?
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304. Well, if you must know,
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305. we're putting it on Philippa's
husband's account.
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306. Does Burt know
about this?
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307. He would if he wasn't
working all the time.
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308. Thank you, Brian.
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309. Now, come on, let's have more
hard liquor and creamy soups.
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310. Ugh.
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311. Meg, can you hand me
the paper plates?
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312. I can't believe we're
having an ice cream cake
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313. to celebrate Chris graduating
from sex offender school.
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314. Well, the opportunities
to celebrate
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315. don't come often
in this household.
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316. There he is, Mr.
Former Sex Offender.
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317. Mom, it's not
that big a deal.
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318. All I did was finish
those creepy classes.
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319. I know, but now your
record is clear.
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320. You can go back to
being a normal boy
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321. and put all this
behind you.
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322. Hey, Chris, wait till
you see the funny thing
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323. I had 'em put
on your cake.
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324. "Happy sixth
birthday, Timmy"?
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325. Uh-oh, they must
have mixed them up.
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326. "Nice crank,
you dirty little bastard"?
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327. Sorry, I'll take that.
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328. Here's your cake.
I ate a great deal of it.
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329. Oh, there you are.
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330. How was your first
day out of rehab?
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331. It was terrible.
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332. Taking that class
made no difference.
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333. Nobody wants anything
to do with me.
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334. Hi, Mr. Herbert.
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335. Oh, my God.
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336. Children, run!
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337. It's that pervert!
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338. Everybody into my
safety basement!
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339. Oh! Oh, that
was a bad snap.
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340. I'm hurt, kids!
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341. Don't eat those popsicles
till I get down there!
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342. Well, I'm glad we're finally
getting some practice in.
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343. Yeah, nothing like
running around
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344. after eating
a seafood tower.
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345. What are you
doing here?
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346. You're supposed to
be at the baseline.
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347. Yeah, baseline,
baseline.
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348. Right, right.
He's serving to you.
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349. Get back there!
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350. You've never played
tennis, have you?
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351. Not once.
Damn it, Brian!
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352. I entered us in
that tournament
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353. because you said
you could play!
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354. And I will not
be humiliated
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355. in front of shallow,
rich alcoholics!
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356. Hey, Chris.
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357. I see you walked
across the grass again
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358. instead of
using the walk.
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359. You're really wearing
a path, aren't you?
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360. We call that
Chris's Trail.
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361. Right there.
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362. Chris's Trail.
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363. Mr. Quagmire,
I completed that sex rehab
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364. and I paid my debt to society,
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365. but people are still afraid of
me, like I'm some kind of creep.
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366. How do I get them to treat me
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367. the way they did
before all this happened?
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368. You can't. I'm sorry, Chris,
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369. but you're just gonna have
to accept that from now on,
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370. people are gonna see you
as a sex-crazed pervert.
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371. And there's nothing
you can do to change that.
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372. Wait a minute,
maybe there is.
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373. Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
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374. No problem, Chris.
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375. You keep that
chin up, huh?
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376. I will.
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377. Hey, can I ring
your doorbell?
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378. No, I'd rather you...
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379. That's why "no," Chris.
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380. That's why "no."
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381. Chris? What the hell
happened to you?
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382. Mother, Father,
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383. I decided to have myself
chemically castrated.
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384. Why the hell would
you do that?
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385. Now nobody will have
any reason to be afraid of me
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386. or think I'm a pervert,
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387. and everybody can just
treat me like normal again.
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388. Oh, my God, I can't believe
my son's some kind of weirdo!
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389. Uh, here comes
another sandwich.
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390. I can't even look at you.
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391. Has anyone seen my sandals?
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392. Yeah, no, nobody's seen
your sandals.
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393. Well, I'll just have
to make another pair.
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394. Look, Chris, I know you
think chemical castration
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395. is gonna solve
your problems,
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396. but you have to stop
taking those pills.
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397. I don't have to do anything,
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398. besides get to the wind chime
store before it closes.
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399. There can't be
a whole store.
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400. To be fair, they also have
a couple of kaleidoscopes.
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401. Ah, can I come?
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402. Lois, can I go to the store
with that thing?
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403. Splendid. I'll go get
my burlap wallet.
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404. Wow, we rolled three gutter
balls on these kids, huh?
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405. My word, Brian,
you're really improving.
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406. We might actually
win this thing.
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407. Thanks. You know,
I just pretend
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408. that tennis ball
is Mitch McConnell
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409. trying to roll back subsidies
on the Affordable Care Act,
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410. and I'm like, "Nope!"
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411. Yeah, I-I don't... I don't
need to hear your process.
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412. Look, I'm just happy
you pushed me,
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413. 'cause now I can't wait
for that tournament.
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414. I know,
it's gonna be great.
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415. And I already know exactly
where I'm gonna put that trophy.
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416. So the baby died?
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417. Yeah, the baby died.
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418. But, look, first place.
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419. Chris, your mother and I want
you to stop taking them pills.
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420. There's a lot of great things
about having a sex drive
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421. that you're missing out on.
Like what?
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422. Well, there's the post-orgy
meals at a swingers party.
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423. Come on, let's eat with
these wonderful people.
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424. Hey, everybody,
try my wife's ambrosia.
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425. If you liked my wife's snizz,
you're gonna love her ambrosia.
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426. I was thinking about
this seven-layer dip
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427. the whole time I
was chowing Ronald.
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428. I don't like this.
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429. I want to go home.
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430. You know what's sad?
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431. There's hardly any other
fathers and sons here.
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432. I don't know, Lois.
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433. I just don't think
Chris is gonna change his mind.
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434. I know.
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435. It's only a matter of time
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436. before he shaves
one side of his head
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437. and swoops the rest
of the hair over.
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438. Why, is that...
is that bad?
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439. Good early
evening, everyone.
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440. I have celebratory news.
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441. With all the free time, I'm
no longer devoting to onanism...
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442. That's spanking it?
Yes, Peter.
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443. I have managed to redirect
that energy into my studies.
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444. In fact, today I received
the Kaplan Prize in biology.
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445. Chris, that's great!
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446. Not only that, I got the highest
score on my Spanish test,
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447. and I even joined
the debate team.
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448. That's amazing!
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449. All right, well, I'm gonna
put some flowers in a wagon
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450. and walk around town.
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451. You know what, Peter?
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452. Maybe there's a silver
lining to this fiasco.
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453. Not thinking about
sex all the time
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454. seems to have allowed Chris
to excel in other areas.
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455. He does seem sharper.
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456. Heck, the old Chris
couldn't even figure out
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457. the self-checkout
at the supermarket.
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458. Please place
the item in the bagging area.
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459. Please remove the item
from the bagging area.
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460. Please take a plastic bag
from the bagging area.
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461. Please put the bag over
your head and tighten.
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462. I told you I could
make him do it.
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463. That's hard-core, man.
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464. You're hard-core.
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465. All right, Brian,
we win this set,
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466. the tournament's ours.
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467. Yeah, come on,
let's do this.
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468. I can already see our
names in the newsletter,
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469. right below the deaths
from the previous quarter.
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470. Out.
What?
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471. Your ball was long.
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472. Are you me?
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473. That thing was in!
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474. You're gonna penalize us
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475. because you're a blind
blue jacket?
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476. Stewie, calm down.
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477. I will drop you
to your knees
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478. and shove my racket so
far down your throat
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479. you'll be
my grip for a week!
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480. Warning, Mr. Griffin.
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481. Oh, you're warning me?
I'm warning you!
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482. I'm gonna go to your house
and your wife!
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483. You proud of yourself,
tennis club security guard?
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484. Your kids look up to you?
Big man.
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485. Throwing out a baby and a dog.
Tough guy.
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486. Maybe I'll see you later when
you don't have that name tag on.
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487. I thought your
shot was in.
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488. Oh, hey, pound it, dude.
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489. So to find the area
of this circle,
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490. we're going to need to use pi,
whose digits go on forever.
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491. Can you imagine
if our pi was endless?
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492. We'd all be changing
our belt sizes.
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493. Thanks, Chris.
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494. Wow, that was
really something.
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495. Marcy?
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496. I had no idea you were
such an amazing tutor.
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497. And I really like
your pendant.
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498. Thanks, but why are you
being so nice to me?
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499. You got me in so much
trouble before.
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500. Yeah, I'm really
sorry about that.
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501. That was just my dumb,
overprotective dad.
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502. Really?
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503. Yeah, he took my phone to look
at pictures of my friends,
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504. and he found the
one you sent.
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505. I bet that caught him
by surprise.
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506. Definitely.
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507. Well, I hope you know
that's not who I am anymore.
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508. I do, and I hope I didn't
cause you too much trouble.
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509. This is not a drill!
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510. I repeat, not a drill!
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511. Good to be back doing
this again, huh, Bill?
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512. What, shoveling
coal into a penis?
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513. I was sleeping.
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514. What's happening?
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515. I don't know.
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516. Someone... someone get me
nude art books!
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517. I need nude art books!
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518. Oh, good, Chris.
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519. You can hang this
New York Times back on...
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520. Oh, a pee-pee!
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521. Well, Chris, you
killed that librarian,
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522. but we're glad to have you
back to your old self.
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523. Mrs. Lapardo worked at
that school for 54 years.
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524. Well, at least
she saw a little Wang
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525. before taking that dirt nap.
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526. Thanks, you guys.
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527. I guess chemical castration
isn't for everyone.
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528. I-Is that... is that
the lesson for this week?
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529. Uh, I guess it's that or
be kinder on the tennis court.
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530. Where have you been?
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