1. We now return
to the NBA on TNT... on LSD.
Copy !req
2. Man, I'm out my mind!
Copy !req
3. Okay, my mom will be here
any minute for our spa day.
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4. "Spa," S-P-A.
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5. Yes, very good, Peter.
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6. And remember, while we're
off getting our massages,
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7. you and Daddy are gonna
spend the day together here.
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8. Aw, I don't want
to hang out with him.
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9. He's, like, not
ticklish anywhere.
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10. Look, I'm sorry,
but my mom said
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11. he can't be left alone
at home anymore.
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12. Last time, he went crazy and
moved all the furniture around.
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13. Hello, dear.
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14. Oh, I always forget
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15. you walk right into
the living room in your house.
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16. Hey, do you have
a Band-Aid?
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17. Nothing happened,
but I'm bleeding.
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18. You know what, I'll just
rummage through your bathroom.
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19. Man, spending
a whole day with him
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20. is gonna be worse
than eating at a ball park.
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21. Uh, I'll take
one terrible beer,
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22. filled up way too high,
so I spill most of it,
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23. and a too-long hot dog
on a too-short bun.
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24. And do you have
mustard and relish?
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25. Yeah, it's right there
between the entrance
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26. and the exit to
the bathroom.
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27. Perfect. And can I get
a bag of unsalted peanuts?
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28. You know, something
I would never eat
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29. anywhere else in the world?
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30. Sure, here you go.
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31. Great, great.
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32. I can't wait to have diarrhea
in the stall with no door
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33. while 20 guys wait
for me to finish.
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34. No.
Ah, no.
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35. All right,
left cankle, red.
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36. Right muffin top, blue.
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37. Sorry.
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38. Ugh, God, kill me.
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39. Stewie, I can't take any more
of Meg and her gross friends.
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40. Ah, ah,
hang on, hang on.
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41. I'm just finishing up
an e-mail to Delta.
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42. "I have never not screamed
at the top of my lungs
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43. during air pressure changes, and
I do not intend to stop now."
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44. Okay, what was it?
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45. Meg's friends.
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46. They're just so loud
and boring and annoying.
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47. Well, not everybody can be
as fascinating as you, Brian.
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48. Thanks for coming by.
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49. Hey, Brian, Mom
took the car.
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50. Can you give me and my friends
a ride to field hockey practice?
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51. Uh, I'm kind of helping Stewie
with an e-mail to Delta.
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52. Please, Brian.
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53. It would get them
out of the house.
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54. Well, that's true.
And I gotta do something,
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55. 'cause they're more annoying
than ants at a picnic.
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56. Would you mind
turning that down?
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57. And you're not supposed
to be grilling.
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58. I know you can
understand me.
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59. So... what, uh, what
do you want to do?
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60. I don't know.
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61. Sucks that we're
stuck here alone.
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62. Wait a minute,
here alone.
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63. You thinking what
I'm thinking?
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64. This was not
what I was thinking.
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65. That's weird, it's not
what I was thinking either.
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66. I don't even know
how it happened.
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67. No, me neither, but this
spaghetti's not half bad.
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68. A "happy mistake,"
we'll call it.
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69. Now what do you
want to do?
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70. Well, we could
watch porn.
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71. Have you heard
of porn?
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72. Is that something
you're aware of?
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73. You have postcards
from France?
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74. No, no, no, like...
like, on the computer.
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75. There's like tons
and tons of videos
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76. of people doing
it on there.
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77. Wait, l-let me understand:
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78. You want to watch
that with me?
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79. Well, not anymore,
you just made it weird.
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80. But there's other
stuff on there.
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81. You want to see a guy in
a human-sized hamster ball
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82. roll off a mountain?
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83. Uh, yeah.
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84. So this is in Russia?
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85. Somebody's gonna
slow him down, right?
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86. Whoa!
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87. I got
to e-mail that to Babs.
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88. She hates people.
Copy !req
89. Huh, got a new e-mail here.
Copy !req
90. And it's from a Nigerian prince.
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91. It says he's got millions
frozen in an account.
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92. All he needs is a hundred grand
to pay legal fees,
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93. and then as soon as he gets his
money, I get a million bucks.
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94. Wow, and he must
need it quick,
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95. 'cause there was, like, a
bazillion typos in that e-mail.
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96. You got to send
that money.
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97. You think so?
Absolutely.
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98. I mean, can you imagine if
you make a million bucks?
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99. You'll be happier than the
guy on his wedding day.
Copy !req
100. Thanks, everyone.
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101. Good-bye, Mom. Good-bye, Dad.
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102. Good-bye, friends.
Good-bye, free time.
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103. Farewell, sex.
So long, golf on TV.
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104. I'll miss you, privacy.
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105. Good-bye, being honest
about how many beers I've had.
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106. Nice knowing you,
my own choices.
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107. See ya later, money!
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108. Thanks for
the ride, Brian.
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109. Yeah, and thanks
for the lecture
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110. on what real music is,
Mr. Griffin.
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111. Geez, how many Snickers
could they eat
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112. in a five-minute car ride?
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113. Ah, crap, somebody left
their gym bag.
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114. God, it would've been real
easy to bring a gun in here.
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115. Where the hell'd they go?
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116. Oh, whoops.
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117. Wow.
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118. Holy crap.
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119. That was Patty.
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120. And she's got
a smokin' hot body.
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121. This is a bigger surprise
than when I found out
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122. Joe was a clown.
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123. I think
that belongs to me.
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124. I'm sorry you had
to find out this way.
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125. Okay.
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126. You won't tell
anyone, will you?
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127. No.
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128. You can tell people.
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129. Hey, so how
was the spa?
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130. Oh, it was fine, though
I don't know why they made us
Copy !req
131. face each other during
the mother-daughter bikini wax.
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132. Did you two have
a nice afternoon?
Copy !req
133. Sure did.
I made a million dollars!
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134. What? How?
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135. Carter sent $100,000
to a Nigerian prince
Copy !req
136. who's gonna give
him a million.
Copy !req
137. Oh, Peter, don't tell me
you two fell for that scam.
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138. What? What are you
talking about?
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139. It's the oldest
e-mail scam out there.
Copy !req
140. Their assets are frozen,
you cover legal fees.
Copy !req
141. Blah, blah, blah.
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142. Oh, my God, he did say,
"Blah, blah, blah."
Copy !req
143. You're never getting
that money back.
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144. What? So that-that money's
just been Josh Hartnett-ed?
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145. What's that?
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146. Gone! Disappeared!
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147. Never to be
heard from again!
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148. Isn't he in that
Showtime thing
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149. with the blood
and the hats?
Copy !req
150. Look, the point is
I was swindled.
Copy !req
151. I guess so.
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152. Well, come on, Mom,
the man was very specific
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153. that we need to go
put lotion on each other.
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154. Geez, I'm really
sorry, Carter.
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155. But at least you
have your health.
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156. Oh...
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157. You know,
this is your fault.
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158. You're the one
who said I should do it!
Copy !req
159. Mm-hmm, there's
that judgy-ness
Copy !req
160. Babs is always calling
me and talking about.
Copy !req
161. Look, nobody steals
from Carter Pewterschmidt.
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162. I am going to Africa
and getting my money back.
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163. And you're coming with me.
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164. Africa?
We're going to Africa?
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165. I wonder if it
will change us.
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166. But, of course,
it did change us.
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167. I've been working here for 50
years, pretending I'm a woman.
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168. Do you ever
regret not having children,
Copy !req
169. Mother Bernadette?
Copy !req
170. Oh, I've had many children.
Copy !req
171. We now return
Copy !req
172. to Kevin James Got Too Fat
To Be In Movies.
Copy !req
173. Kevin James, why'd you have
to come back to television?
Copy !req
174. I ate Adam Sandler.
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175. Uh, yoo-hoo!
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176. I'm in here
with the pizza.
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177. Okay, time to go to Africa
and get my money back.
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178. Are you ready?
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179. I was born three
months early.
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180. Peter, who's
that at the door?
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181. Oh, just so you know, I didn't
tell Lois where we're going,
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182. and I couldn't be
touched until I was two.
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183. Daddy, what are
you doing here?
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184. Oh, hey, Lois.
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185. Uh, Carter and I are going away
for the next week or so.
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186. You are? Where?
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187. Oh, uh... we're, uh...
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188. I mean, um...
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189. Pinterest!
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190. Wow, sounds great.
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191. Have fun.
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192. This is getting easier.
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193. Now I just say
daytime-mom words.
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194. Okay, so see you soon,
Copy !req
195. and... Chablis The View.
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196. Aw, you too,
sweetheart.
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197. Bye.
Copy !req
198. I'm telling you, you wouldn't
believe Patty's body.
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199. Just, uh, a tiny waist,
firm butt, great rack.
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200. I know, and she's
in high school.
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201. It's, like,
7:00 a.m., dude.
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202. Calm down.
Copy !req
203. Meg, hey, how's it going?
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204. Uh, hey, Brian.
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205. Cool, that's
great to hear.
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206. Hey, where's Patty?
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207. Oh, I don't know.
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208. Probably at her house?
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209. You're
hilarious, Meg.
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210. Hey, so, uh, what kind of movies
do you and your friends like?
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211. Well, Ruth likes...
Not her.
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212. Esther likes...
Not her.
Copy !req
213. I like...
Patty, just Patty.
Copy !req
214. Oh, she loves anything
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215. where a teenage girl
is sick and dies of cancer.
Copy !req
216. Or any movie where
a character is named Patty.
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217. Ugh, she loses
her mind for that.
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218. Well, okay, Miss Chatterbox,
you better get off to school.
Copy !req
219. Wow, you're really
obsessed with Patty.
Copy !req
220. You want her even more than
I wanted the new iPhone.
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221. How's it going?
Good.
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222. Just looking forward to
getting that new phone.
Copy !req
223. What are you
talking about?
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224. This isn't
the Apple store.
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225. This is
a super-gay club.
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226. Yeah, right, I leave
and you get my phone.
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227. Nice try, cutie pie.
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228. Wow, there's so much
wildlife in Africa.
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229. You know, they say there's
some animal species here
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230. that haven't even
been discovered yet.
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231. Is that right?
Copy !req
232. Yes, that is right.
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233. Oh, my God,
look over there!
Copy !req
234. That African warlord
is brutalizing
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235. those innocent people.
Yeah, but it's okay,
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236. because he's wearing
a large cowboy hat
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237. and follows everything
with "hamburger,"
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238. like that stand-up
comic from the '90s.
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239. We are going to force all these
young boys to be child soldiers.
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240. Hamburger.
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241. After 18 hours in the mines,
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242. we are going to check
your butts for diamonds.
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243. Hamburger.
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244. I get it.
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245. If you do not work
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246. on my rubber plantation,
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247. I will burn your tongues.
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248. Oh, my God!
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249. Hamburger.
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250. Ah, I found him.
Copy !req
251. Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones.
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252. He made it to YouTube.
Must be filthy rich.
Copy !req
253. Oh, my God!
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254. I didn't expect to
see you guys here.
Copy !req
255. So teenagers know
about the mall, too?
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256. Know what
about the mall?
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257. Yeah, right?
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258. Boy, the day I'm having.
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259. I actually made
one too many Build-a-Bears
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260. for the cancer kids.
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261. If only I could build
a cure, huh?
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262. Aw...
Hey, you know what, Patty?
Copy !req
263. Why don't you take
the extra one?
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264. Wow, thanks, Brian.
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265. Yeah, that's cool, Brian.
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266. Will you buy me a hat at Lids?
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267. No. You know, Patty,
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268. I've got $7.50 left
on my Panda Express card
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269. if you want to split
a three-item combo.
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270. No drink.
Sure!
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271. Well, then, hop on board
the Panda Express!
Copy !req
272. In bed, right?
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273. Like-like with the fortune
cookies, you know...
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274. Brian, can I talk
to you for a second?
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275. What the hell
is going on?
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276. You're hitting on Patty
and it's gross.
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277. She's 18!
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278. Stop it!
Me?
Copy !req
279. Meg, I am not even
going to dignify that
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280. with a mall erection.
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281. Don't...
don't look down.
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282. Well, we made it.
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283. East Bola.
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284. All right, let's find our
"prince" and get my money back.
Copy !req
285. Get down!
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286. On the ground!
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287. This is unacceptable.
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288. I demand to speak
to Anthony Anderson.
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289. Okay, hold on.
Shoot me if you must,
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290. but it is imperative
that I answer this call.
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291. Yello?
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292. Yes, this is Peter Griffin.
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293. Yes, I did call you about the
eight-piece lawn croquet set.
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294. Now, it says "weathered,"
just how weathered is it?
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295. Yeah, go ahead and send me
a pic, that'd be very helpful.
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296. Sir, shoot me if you must,
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297. but it is imperative
that I look at these pictures.
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298. The hell with this.
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299. I'm getting my money back
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300. if it's the last
thing I do.
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301. Hey, here's the guys.
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302. Who are you
and why are you here?
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303. I'm Carter Pewterschmidt,
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304. and I'm here because
you stole my money!
Copy !req
305. You?
You are Carter Pewterschmidt?
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306. You're damn right I am!
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307. Oh! It's him!
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308. It's the Great Father
Pewterschmidt!
Copy !req
309. What's happening?
What's he talking about?
Copy !req
310. You are a great hero to us.
Copy !req
311. It is with the money
that you sent
Copy !req
312. that we have been able to make
Copy !req
313. many wonderful improvements
to our village.
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314. And he used my computer.
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315. I'm Griff, by the way,
that's what everybody calls me.
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316. That's not true.
Nobody calls him that.
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317. It was your money that
paid for the school,
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318. a well to provide
clean drinking water,
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319. our first health clinic,
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320. and a Redbox with
one movie in it.
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321. It's Baby Geniuses.
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322. Which I, personally,
could begin watching
Copy !req
323. at any point in the film
and enjoy from there.
Copy !req
324. Oh, yeah, that's how
I feel about that video
Copy !req
325. of Kelsey Grammer
fallin' off the stage.
Copy !req
326. I don't understand.
Copy !req
327. So there never was
a Nigerian prince?
Copy !req
328. No. You see, no one will
actually give money to Africa
Copy !req
329. unless they are tricked into it.
Copy !req
330. So again, we thank you
Copy !req
331. for your generosity,
Father Pewterschmidt.
Copy !req
332. Well, I hope you enjoyed it...
Copy !req
333. 'cause I'm taking it all back.
Copy !req
334. What?
What?
Copy !req
335. You heard me!
Copy !req
336. Nobody steals
from Carter Pewterschmidt
Copy !req
337. and gets away with it!
Copy !req
338. Carter, why you
bein' so mean?
Copy !req
339. The money's spent.
Copy !req
340. And look how happy
you made these people.
Copy !req
341. Talk to me—
it's your buddy Griff.
Copy !req
342. Tear it all down! Now.
Copy !req
343. Or I'm canceling Kwanzaa.
Copy !req
344. What is Kwanzaa?
Copy !req
345. Ah!
I knew it wasn't real!
Copy !req
346. Hey, there, babe.
Copy !req
347. Hey, Brian.
Copy !req
348. You ready?
Copy !req
349. Got the Smash Mouth
cued up in the Pri.
Copy !req
350. Brian, what are you doing here?
Copy !req
351. I'm here to
pick up Patty.
Copy !req
352. We're going to see a movie
called Brittany Finds a Lump.
Copy !req
353. You're parked in
Mr. Tackleman's space.
Copy !req
354. You're going on a date
with Patty?
Copy !req
355. I told you to back off.
Copy !req
356. And since when
do you wear high-tops?
Copy !req
357. What, my kicks?
Copy !req
358. Ah, it's nothin'.
Copy !req
359. I just use these
for Instagram.
Copy !req
360. That's something I like!
Copy !req
361. Ah, shut up, Esther!
Copy !req
362. All right, we're out of here.
Copy !req
363. Feel free to use the seat
warmer, keep that box hot.
Copy !req
364. Geez, I can't believe you're
going through with this, Carter.
Copy !req
365. Paying these thugs
to tear down the village
Copy !req
366. isn't gonna bring
your money back.
Copy !req
367. This isn't about the money.
Copy !req
368. This is payback for Sammy
Davis dating Kim Novak.
Copy !req
369. Oh, come on, Carter,
don't do this.
Copy !req
370. You don't want to be
the first white guy
Copy !req
371. to do something
bad to Africa.
Copy !req
372. Are you about done?
Copy !req
373. I'm supposed to go
lion shooting
Copy !req
374. with a scumbag dentist.
Copy !req
375. Oh, my God, they're even taking
down the mosquito netting.
Copy !req
376. No, Carter, I can't
let you do this!
Copy !req
377. I won't stand by
Copy !req
378. and let you further ruin
this terrible place!
Copy !req
379. Oh, is that right?
Copy !req
380. Yes, that is right.
Copy !req
381. Here's 5,000 bucks.
Copy !req
382. Lock up that fat-ass.
Copy !req
383. Damn it, this sucks.
Copy !req
384. I may never get out of here.
Copy !req
385. Well, as a man
falsely imprisoned in Africa,
Copy !req
386. I have no choice but to write
a memoir of my struggles.
Copy !req
387. "Chapter One:
Copy !req
388. "Harry Potter's aunt and uncle
were super mean.
Copy !req
389. "'Spank me harder,' the lady
says to Fifty Shades of Grey.
Copy !req
390. "'That's Mr. Fifty
Shades of Grey
Copy !req
391. "to you,
Kate from Ben and Kate.'
Copy !req
392. "And then he turned her butt
inside out.
Copy !req
393. Because, sexy."
Copy !req
394. "'Isn't that special,'
said the Church Lady,
Copy !req
395. "before reporting
for her botched surgery.
Copy !req
396. "Anyway, I'm here in a prison
against my will,
Copy !req
397. "and I should be free.
Copy !req
398. The end."
Copy !req
399. Take this, Cheebo.
Copy !req
400. Take this to a French-Canadian
flight attendant.
Copy !req
401. And he will give it
to everybody.
Copy !req
402. Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Copy !req
403. Our top story:
sinking newscaster.
Copy !req
404. Just kidding, it's the chair.
Copy !req
405. But, in other news, domestic
abuse enthusiast Paul Simon
Copy !req
406. has released a new song
inspired by a memoir
Copy !req
407. written by Quahog's
own Peter Griffin,
Copy !req
408. who has been falsely imprisoned
by his father-in-law
Copy !req
409. in an African jail.
Copy !req
410. Oh, for God's sake.
Copy !req
411. I bet there's not one word
about you in that book.
Copy !req
412. Wow, what a beautiful night.
Copy !req
413. Yeah.
Copy !req
414. Hey, I wonder if any of those
stars are wishing on us, huh?
Copy !req
415. You're so deep.
Copy !req
416. I betcha you're
pretty deep, too.
Copy !req
417. Aw, you're so sweet.
Copy !req
418. Why are you so nice to me?
Copy !req
419. Most guys never give me
the time of day
Copy !req
420. because I'm so plain-looking.
Copy !req
421. Well, I'm not
like most guys.
Copy !req
422. I can see past
that sweater.
Copy !req
423. Speaking of which,
Copy !req
424. why don't we get rid
of that big old thing?
Copy !req
425. Brian, stop!
Copy !req
426. You don't have
to do this, Patty.
Copy !req
427. Brian's just taking
advantage of you.
Copy !req
428. What? That's crazy!
Copy !req
429. What?
Why would he do that?
Copy !req
430. Because you have
an amazing body.
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431. I do?
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432. But... you're always saying
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433. dumpy girls like us
only have each other.
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434. You're not dumpy.
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435. I was just saying that
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436. because I was worried
you'd become popular
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437. and not want to be friends
with us anymore.
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438. Meg, I'm $18
into this evening,
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439. so can you maybe
just get out of here?
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440. Meg, that's silly.
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441. I'll always be your friend.
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442. You promise?
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443. Oh, come on, what the hell?
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444. Bummer.
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445. He's never gonna
get to hit that.
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446. I know. That's exactly
what I wished for.
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447. Well, I actually wished
for it 30,000 years ago.
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448. It's true.
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449. Even at the speed of light,
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450. mean-spirited thoughts
from the stars
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451. can take thousands or
even millions of years
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452. to reach the Earth.
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453. Ham-burger.
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454. Now wait, let me
get this straight:
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455. none of you guys has
ever heard of Bono?
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456. He says he knows you.
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457. Daddy! What the hell
are you doing?
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458. You threw Peter in jail?
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459. Hey, Pumpkin, welcome!
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460. Whatever you do, don't tell
them you have a clitoris.
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461. Yeah, they told me
that at the embassy.
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462. Look, I'm sorry
you got swindled,
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463. but you can't treat
people this way.
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464. You let Peter out of
that jail right now.
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465. And give these
people back
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466. their health clinic
and their school.
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467. No.
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468. Hi, Lois!
I like your shorts!
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469. Bye, Lois!
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470. Oh, my God!
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471. Enough is enough!
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472. That's your son-in-law!
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473. And my husband!
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474. I know how
families work, Lois.
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475. All right.
Let him go.
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476. Yay!
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477. Lois, how much was your flight
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478. and which card
did you put it on?
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479. Daddy, I don't
understand any of this.
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480. I mean, you've
always been grouchy,
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481. but why are you being
so mean-spirited?
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482. What's gotten into you?
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483. What's gotten into me?
I'm angry!
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484. For God's sake, I can't
even be left alone
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485. in my own house
for an afternoon.
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486. You have to drop me
off at your house
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487. so this fat idiot
can babysit me!
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488. I'm old and it sucks!
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489. I'm sorry, Daddy.
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490. I realize growing old is no fun,
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491. but this is no way to act.
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492. I know.
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493. I'm sorry I almost had you shot.
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494. Oh, that's all right.
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495. I got a fever
of a 108.
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496. I'm not gonna
remember any of this.
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497. And I'm sorry for what
I did to your village, Dave.
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498. His name is "Dave"?
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499. Yeah. Get to know
these people, okay?
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500. Listen, when I get home,
I'll transfer enough money
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501. so you can rebuild your town.
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502. You've all been very kind.
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503. Yeah, this has been great, guys.
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504. Now all I need is a group photo
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505. of me kneeling
in the front of the village,
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506. so I can brag about
what a good person I am.
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