1. Ugh, look at Miss Tammy.
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2. What a skank.
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3. She's free-muffin it
at a baby school.
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4. Hi, Stewie.
Mommy's here to pick you up.
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5. Why do you feel
the need to narrate
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6. every little thing you do?
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7. Oh, hi, Mrs. Griffin.
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8. You know, I've
actually been meaning
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9. to talk to you
about Stewie.
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10. I'm concerned that he might
have an attention problem.
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11. Attention problem?
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12. Yes, he's been a little
difficult to deal with,
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13. and on page two of three in the
How To Be a Teacher manual,
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14. it says that any child
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15. who's being difficult
should be medicated.
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16. What? Drugging a baby?
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17. Are you sure?
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18. That sounds so serious.
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19. I'm afraid his behavior has
been an issue for a while.
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20. He's even been bothering
students during nap time.
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21. Hey, you up?
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22. Guess where
I have a crayon.
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23. So, I spend, like,
$75 on cat toys,
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24. and what does she play with?
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25. A shoelace.
That's crazy.
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26. Joe, that's been your answer
every time I tell a story.
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27. It's like
you're not even listening.
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28. Well, that's 'cause
you interrupted me
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29. when I was telling
you about Kevin
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30. trying to hang himself
with an extension cord.
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31. I know, that's crazy.
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32. Hey, y'all want to try
some of our new food?
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33. I'm trying to turn this place
into a gastropub.
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34. These are Korean tacos, 'cause
whatever the hell nowadays.
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35. Ugh! These are terrible!
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36. Quagmire,
when it comes to tacos,
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37. I'll trust the Koreans,
thank you.
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38. You're nuts. This tastes like
Ani DiFranco after a bike ride.
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39. Geez, Quagmire, since when are
you such an expert on food?
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40. For your information,
I'm an excellent cook.
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41. You? A cook?
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42. Huh. What's your specialty?
No-way soufflé?
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43. I'm sorry,
that was out of line.
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44. I am a good cook,
and I'll prove it to you!
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45. Saturday night, you
and all your wives are coming
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46. to my place for dinner.
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47. Fine. We'll be there.
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48. Ooh, can we make it
Sunday?
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49. Saturday, I'm giving
Javier Bardem a haircut.
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50. So, what'll it be?
Everything.
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51. What do you mean?
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52. Long in the short places,
short in the long places.
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53. It should be from both
the future and the past.
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54. Something a child
would do to a doll.
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55. Sorry, I just prefer
to do number two at home.
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56. Where were we?
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57. It's Stewie,
Dr. Hartman.
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58. He's having trouble
focusing at school.
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59. Ah, yes. So you're telling me
your baby won't sit still
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60. in a way that's convenient
for his teacher?
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61. Yes.
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62. I'd heard stories,
but never thought
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63. I'd see it
with my own eyes.
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64. Mrs. Griffin, I'm going
to write Stewie a prescription
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65. for ADHD medication.
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66. Really? Well,
I don't know.
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67. Doesn't that stuff
make you wired?
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68. Well, if you're low-energy
and lethargic, yes.
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69. But if you're high energy,
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70. it actually calms you down
and helps you focus.
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71. At least that's what I'm reading
on WebMD.
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72. Wow, there are a lot
of different kinds of medicines.
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73. There's a cat in here.
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74. Okay, I guess we
can give it a try.
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75. Here you go.
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76. Now, who's this little guy?
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77. Wow, when did you learn
to cook, Glenn?
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78. Well, as a young man, I found
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79. that a great meal was the
quickest way to a woman's heart.
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80. How romantic.
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81. I mean, how do you think NBA
players get all those chicks?
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82. They're all great cooks.
Except Kobe Bryant.
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83. His-his... his secret
is different.
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84. Quagmire, you're really good.
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85. You could probably
make money at this.
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86. Yeah, maybe you could
open a restaurant.
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87. Or maybe get a cooking show.
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88. You know,
the 11:30 cooking show
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89. on Channel Five
needs a new host.
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90. The old one burned off
his eyebrows,
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91. and was just too weird
to look at.
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92. You should do
it, Quagmire!
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93. I'll even come along
and cheer you on!
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94. You'd do that for me?
Course I would.
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95. I love cheering people on,
like when I go to NASCAR.
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96. Go in a circle!
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97. Go in a circle!
Go in a circle!
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98. Advertise stuff!
Advertise Stu...!
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99. Go in a circle!
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100. Hey, where's Stewie?
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101. Oh, he's probably
sleeping off his pills.
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102. What?
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103. Well, the school said
he had an attention problem,
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104. so Dr. Hartman gave him
a prescription.
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105. You're giving a
one-year-old drugs?
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106. You're doping up a baby!
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107. Peter, are you
okay with this?
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108. Will you stop talking?
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109. I'm trying to think about a girl
I saw at the gas station.
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110. Stewie?
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111. Welcome to Pillow-World, Bri.
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112. Let me get up and greet you.
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113. There we go.
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114. How you doing?
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115. Oh, my God, Stewie,
you're totally drugged out!
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116. You know something?
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117. I have been thinking
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118. about how everyone in this
family, Brian, does their job.
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119. And they do a pretty
good job of it.
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120. God, I'm really freaking
out over this audition.
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121. What if I blow it?
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122. Quagmire, when I agreed
to come to this,
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123. I didn't know it would require
this level of emotional support.
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124. You Glenn Quagmire?
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125. I'm Carson, the
producer of the show.
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126. Peter Griffin.
I should be at work.
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127. Okay, let's see
what you've got.
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128. I think you're gonna like this.
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129. Cedar plank salmon
with a maple glaze
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130. and slow-roasted cherry tomatoes
on a bed of mesclun greens.
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131. Hmm. Not bad.
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132. Also, the tomatoes can be eyes,
and the lettuce can be hair.
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133. Look down.
There's also a carrot.
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134. This is great!
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135. Terrific food
and a hilarious sidekick?
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136. This! This
is the show!
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137. What do you mean?
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138. I'm saying
you're hired!
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139. Just as long as your
friend joins you.
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140. What do you say, Peter?
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141. I say let's do it!
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142. Whoops. Uh, uh.
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143. Oh, I'm...
I'm sorry.
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144. What do I...
what-what do I do?
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145. I-I don't...
I don't know what to do now.
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146. That was the wrong choice,
Peter.
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147. Wow, Quagmire,
look at you!
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148. You're a real TV chef!
I know.
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149. It might sound silly,
but being a chef is something
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150. I've always dreamed about.
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151. I always dream about my
house filling up with water.
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152. That's crazy. But anyway, thanks
for encouraging me, Peter.
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153. All right, places!
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154. We're rolling
in three, two, one.
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155. Welcome back to
Quagmire's Kitchen.
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156. Now, this mince pie
is about ready to go.
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157. Just needs a pinch
of cinnamon.
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158. And while we're at it, how about
we take the cinnamon challenge?
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159. Okay, Peter, we've all seen
the Internet videos.
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160. We're not doing that.
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161. I was talking about
something else.
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162. I was talking about a
serious cooking thing.
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163. Now, the ingredients
of a mince pie are traceable
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164. to the 13th century,
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165. when returning European
crusaders brought back
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166. Middle Eastern recipes
containing meats,
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167. fruits and—
oh, boy— spices.
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168. Right here,
I'm using cloves.
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169. Of course, most people associate
mince pie with Christmas.
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170. But I'll be honest.
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171. I'm not afraid of
a summer mince pie.
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172. I remember the first time
I had mince pie.
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173. Our neighbor, Mrs. Morrin,
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174. introduced it to me one afternoon.
Oh, God!
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175. I had house-sat for her
Aah!
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176. while she was visiting her aunt in Vernon
Oh, God.
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177. and she wanted to thank me.
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178. And, oh, boy,
what a treat it was.
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179. You done?
Yeah.
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180. All right, best two
out of three, cinnamon.
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181. Still on those meds, huh?
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182. Uh, yeah, they, uh...
they help me to, um...
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183. uh... think.
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184. Okay, time for
an eyes-open nap.
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185. God, look what those pills
are doing to you.
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186. Putting you on that stuff
was a huge mistake.
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187. Like inviting a turtle
to a cocktail party.
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188. Hey. Ask me why they
call me a box turtle.
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189. See, this is how
American society treats unique,
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190. enthusiastic children.
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191. Instead of embracing
their mental gifts,
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192. their first reaction
is to shoot them up
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193. with hard-core drugs
until they're mindless sheeple.
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194. All the better
to send off to Kuwait
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195. and feed the Halliburton
oil machine, right?
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196. Bush.
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197. Yup. Takes all kinds.
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198. You know, a lot of kids
at my school take ADD pills.
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199. They say if you're lazy
and unmotivated,
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200. it makes you super energized
and productive.
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201. Rea... Really? Productive?
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202. Yeah. And college kids
take it all the time
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203. so they can focus
on their studies
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204. and drinking alcohol
with their butts.
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205. Focus, huh?
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206. Okay, well, Stewie,
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207. these babies can help
the garbage disposal focus
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208. because that's where
they're going.
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209. No need to follow me,
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210. because I just said
what I was gonna do.
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211. My God, I can't stop!
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212. The words are
just pouring out of me!
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213. I have more energy than a guy
who caught a T-shirt!
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214. My wife can wear this to sleep!
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215. My wife can wear this
to sleep!
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216. Okay, today we're putting
together duck breast medallions
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217. with a port wine reduction.
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218. And as I'm walking you
through the steps,
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219. watch your screen for
Junior Chef Peter's pop-up tips:
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220. helpful hints and food factoids
to make your meal a success.
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221. Now, you're gonna want to start
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222. with a large,
self-sealing plastic bag.
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223. And in that bag,
we'll combine one large,
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224. finely-chopped garlic clove;
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225. one tablespoon of grated,
peeled fresh ginger;
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226. two teaspoons
of five-spice powder;
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227. a teaspoon of salt; and a half
teaspoon of fresh ground pepper.
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228. Then you're gonna want
to add the duck breasts,
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229. seal the bag, and refrigerate
that for at least one hour,
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230. or up to 24 hours, if you want
to prepare this ahead of time.
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231. Just make sure you remove
the bag from the refrigerator
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232. one hour before cooking.
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233. You're gonna put that in your
oven, preheated to 400 degrees.
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234. So we just spoon
on the drippings,
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235. and that'll brown
the skin nicely.
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236. If you bang these metal spoons
on everything, it's like Stomp.
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237. Look at me! I'm huge in 2002!
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238. Peter...
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239. Nothing like a night at the
theater that ends in a headache!
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240. Damn it, Peter,
that's it!
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241. I can't do this show with
you anymore! You're fired!
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242. What? You can't fire me!
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243. Only Mr. Spacely can fire me.
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244. Griffin...
you're fired!
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245. Okay, that's fair.
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246. Peter, can
I come in?
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247. Hold on, let me put on
my weird old actress turban.
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248. Yes?
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249. Listen, I saw what happened,
but you should know,
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250. we at the station
would hate to lose you.
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251. You're a big hit
with the viewers.
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252. I will not work
with that man again.
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253. I'm not asking
you to. In fact,
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254. we'd like to offer you
your own cooking show.
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255. Hmm, let me consult
with my lawyer.
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256. Well, Peter, since the DUIs
happened so close together,
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257. we don't really have
much wiggle room here.
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258. I suggest you take the jail time
and just get it over with.
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259. I'll do it.
After October 13.
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260. Come on, Rupert.
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261. Wait-wait till you see this.
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262. This is really
something special.
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263. Check out how much water
is in the dehumidifier.
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264. Wow!
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265. That was all in the air.
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266. Brian?
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267. Is that... is that, uh...
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268. Is that, uh... you?
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269. Stewie! Rearrange.
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270. Ewiets. Rearrange.
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271. Wieest. Restore.
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272. Stewie. Hey, come see
what I've been working on.
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273. I call it
Space Shire Seven.
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274. Nice, nice.
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275. It's like, uh, it's like
a fake, uh, place you made?
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276. It's a medieval sci-fi universe,
adaptable to TV,
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277. movies, toys, games,
and mobile apps!
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278. I threw together a 2,000-page
treatment last night.
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279. And I just figured,
the hell with it,
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280. why not build a scale model
and record voices
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281. for all the characters? Watch.
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282. Well met, stranger.
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283. Arasha deekaba plitcho.
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284. That's a Nebulon Mage.
He speaks Ga'bi,
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285. this dumb language I wrote.
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286. It's then... illegal?
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287. What?
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288. Hello?
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289. Okay, now we add
the diced tomatoes.
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290. Just gonna keep going here.
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291. I like to drizzle these
with a fig balsamic...
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292. Damn it.
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293. What the hell
is going on over there?
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294. And that's my famous paella
that looks and tastes
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295. just like a pizza bagel.
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296. It's a pizza bagel.
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297. Now, as always,
add butter to taste.
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298. Mmm, delicious!
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299. Butter dunk!
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300. Stop it!
Stop the show!
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301. What the hell
are you doing?
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302. You're just pouring
melted butter onto frozen foods.
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303. You're not a chef.
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304. Oh, really? Then why do I
already have a restaurant
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305. in Orlando's largest
indoor water park?
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306. This is an insult to anyone
who cares about cooking.
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307. Either you leave
the network or I do!
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308. Guys, guys, look, I know how
a cook-off.
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309. Each of you
cooks a meal
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310. using a secret ingredient,
Iron Chef style.
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311. Will we be allowed
to use calculators?
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312. Um, I... I don't...
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313. What?
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314. I say bring it on!
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315. Fine! A cook-off it is.
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316. See you in the
kitchen, jerk.
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317. I'll see you
in hell, loser.
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318. Bad day to carpool.
Yeah.
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319. Okay, Joe, Peter and I
are going head-to-head
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320. in that cooking
competition,
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321. and they're letting us
each use an assistant.
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322. Will you help me out?
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323. Okay, but just promise me
there's no reading.
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324. I'm not a strong reader.
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325. What?
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326. I'm not illiterate,
I'm just slow.
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327. What are you talking about?
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328. I never tried hard in school
'cause I could always run fast.
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329. So you're cool with being
my chef helper for the big show?
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330. Sure, but I got
to be honest—
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331. if it ain't a
fish with whiskers,
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332. I don't know what
to do with it.
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333. But if it is?
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334. Then sweet sassy molassey!
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335. Great. Don't talk that way
when we're on the show.
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336. Stewie! Stew-ez Canal.
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337. You're here!
We got to get going.
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338. Going?
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339. Where?
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340. To Hartford, man.
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341. There's a book fair
at the convention center,
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342. and George R. R. Martin
will be there.
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343. Who-Who's that?
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344. Uh, Game of Thrones?
Black shirts? Dandruff?
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345. Takes down more nerd chotch
than anyone around?
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346. Okay.
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347. Anyway, I'm gonna
show him my models
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348. and pitch him
Space Shire Seven.
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349. Okay, before we go,
I should wet my eyes.
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350. There.
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351. Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker,
and we have a fantastic
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352. cooking competition for you
today with two fantastic chefs.
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353. Really?
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354. You couldn't find another
adjective for "fantastic"?
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355. Used "fantastic" twice?
Who wrote this?
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356. Erica did.
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357. Wait, is that the one
I called fat and we can't fire?
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358. Yeah.
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359. Let's get this
contest started!
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360. Big whoop. I can do that.
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361. Oh, my God, Erica!
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362. You killed Erica!
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363. Fantastic.
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364. That's him.
George R. R. Martin.
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365. God, he must be
the coolest fat guy
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366. in a train conductor's cap
in the world!
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367. Mr. Martin,
I'm Brian Griffin,
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368. and I've got a pitch
that's gonna blow you away.
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369. Are you sitting down?
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370. Almost always.
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371. Then join me
on an interstellar crusade
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372. to Space Shire Seven!
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373. Our story begins
50,000 fortnights ago,
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374. in the distant galaxy
of Warlock's Keep.
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375. Comet Castle falls.
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376. Samson Cyberblood is the new
king of the star system.
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377. Long live
Space Shire Seven,
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378. and long live
the Hyperspeed Throne!
Copy !req
379. So? What do you think?
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380. It was terrible.
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381. Ah, you're
speaking the language
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382. of the Opposite Goblins.
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383. I'm very flattered.
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384. No, it's garbage.
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385. You just took a lot of pills,
Copy !req
386. mashed together a bunch
of sci-fi and fantasy clichés
Copy !req
387. and crapped out
a 2,000-page turd.
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388. Y-You could tell
I was on medication?
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389. Oh, sure. But that stuff
doesn't make you write well,
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390. it just makes you
write a lot.
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391. Now, if you'll excuse me,
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392. I have to go wash the nerd
chotch out of my beard.
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393. God. I didn't realize
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394. how those drugs were
ruining me creatively.
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395. I haven't been feeling
quite right either.
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396. Yesterday, I watched Chris
shower for half an hour
Copy !req
397. just because
I thought it was the TV.
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398. He, um...
Copy !req
399. he lies on his back
in there.
Copy !req
400. Stewie, this drug
is ruining us.
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401. We don't need these.
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402. You're right.
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403. These pills are for people
with real problems.
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404. But there's
nothing wrong with us.
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405. You're just lazy,
I'm just excitable;
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406. we're-we're both normal.
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407. Now let's go home.
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408. That man is an imposter!
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409. I am George R. R. Martin!
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410. Whoa!
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411. Let's begin
the Channel Five Cook-Off.
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412. Remember, the winner
gets to keep his TV show.
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413. And the secret ingredient is...
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414. butter.
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415. Aw, sweet!
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416. No. That's
Peter's specialty.
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417. I was hoping
the secret ingredient
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418. would be popcorn shrimps.
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419. I liked smacking
your butt earlier.
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420. Are the balls
different from the cubes?
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421. God, what do I do?
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422. Joe, check if we have shallots!
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423. Okay. I can't see
anything on the counter,
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424. but I'll do my best.
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425. Aah! Monster brains!
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426. Looks like Chef Griffin
is preparing
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427. a delicious five-course
butter feast.
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428. Son of a bitch,
I never cook with butter.
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429. Joe, grab my recipe book
and find a dish
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430. where I can substitute
olive oil with butter.
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431. Joe, come on, hurry!
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432. I told you
I'm not a strong reader!
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433. Damn it, Joe,
pull it together!
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434. Hey, Quagmire, FYI, I got to
take off in, like, ten minutes.
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435. I got a clarinet lesson.
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436. What? Ugh.
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437. I can't do this.
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438. Aw, look at Quagmire.
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439. This was his dream.
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440. Time's almost up, Peter.
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441. We're gonna win!
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442. No, we're not.
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443. And in a stunning
turn of events,
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444. Chef Griffin
is eating his entire meal.
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445. He'll have nothing to serve.
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446. Well, that's it.
If Chef Quagmire
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447. has prepared a dish of any kind,
he wins this competition.
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448. Let's see what he has.
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449. A warm packet
of tartar sauce
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450. brought in
from somewhere else.
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451. "When are you gonna use that?"
Bonnie said.
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452. We have a winner!
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453. Peter, you threw
the cook-off for me?
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454. I couldn't take
your dream away...
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455. Heart attack!
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456. from you, buddy.
You're the...
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457. Mini stroke!
one with the real...
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458. Heart attack!
talent. You...
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459. Heart attack!
deserve the show...
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460. Regular stroke!
not me.
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461. You're a good
friend, Peter.
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462. But... I don't want
a show either.
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463. You don't?
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464. Of course not.
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465. I mean, look what
the show did to us.
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466. It destroyed the most
important friendship I have.
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467. Thanks.
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468. You know what?
Let's end this for good.
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469. How?
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470. The same way Paula Deen
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471. got her cooking show
taken off the air.
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472. By saying the one word
you can't come back from.
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473. What?
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474. Say the word? Right now?
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475. Yeah. Together.
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476. Ready?
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477. You bet.
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478. You could have
just quit the show.
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