1. And we're back with our coverageCopy !req
2. of the Quahog
Thanksgiving Day Parade.Copy !req
3. Happy Turkey Day, Quahog.Copy !req
4. This is Tom Tucker
and Joyce KinneyCopy !req
5. live at the parade.Copy !req
6. We've got some on-and-off
drizzle here today,Copy !req
7. and we're a little wet,
as you can see,Copy !req
8. because, apparently, there are
no awnings that exist anywhere.Copy !req
9. There's your top news
story right there.Copy !req
10. Mysterious awning
shortage ravages the Northeast,Copy !req
11. but miraculously has not
affected Channels 2 or 6.Copy !req
12. No, no. Keep the camera
over there.Copy !req
13. I want everyone to see it.Copy !req
14. This is why we're third.Copy !req
15. And here comes our first
float of the day, Tom.Copy !req
16. It's the James Woods
High football teamCopy !req
17. with their
"Not Gay Revue."Copy !req
18. And here comes the Rocky
and Bullwinkle float.Copy !req
19. Always a popular sight
here at the par...Copy !req
20. S-Somebody want
to handle that?Copy !req
21. Does some—
does some—Copy !req
22. Does somebody want
to deal with that?Copy !req
23. The car alarm,
"what."Copy !req
24. You're kidding.Copy !req
25. Well, viewers,
to top it off,Copy !req
26. that's the Channel 5
news van you're hearing.Copy !req
27. Ph-Phil, Phil just open it—
unlock the doors.Copy !req
28. You don't have to put
the key in the ignition.Copy !req
29. Well, open the
driver's side first.Copy !req
30. Okay, well, I guess
it's broken, then,Copy !req
31. and there's nothing
we can do about it.Copy !req
32. Okay, happy Thanksgiving,
Quahog.Copy !req
33. Here's a car alarm.Copy !req
34. All right, well,
I guess we'll just...Copy !req
35. Ahhh, there we go.Copy !req
36. Oh, that must be
Joe and Bonnie.Copy !req
37. Now remember everyone,
let's be cheerful,Copy !req
38. 'cause Thanksgivings
are very hard for them.Copy !req
39. 'Cause Joe can't walk?
No.Copy !req
40. 'Cause his bum doesn't
open up to poo anymore,Copy !req
41. and a nurse has to
go digging up thereCopy !req
42. to get up after
his stuff?Copy !req
43. Oh, my God!Copy !req
44. I know.Copy !req
45. That was told to me
in confidence.Copy !req
46. No. Don't you
remember, Peter?Copy !req
47. It was
on ThanksgivingCopy !req
48. that their son Kevin
got killed in Iraq.Copy !req
49. Look who's here!Copy !req
50. Happy Thanksgiving.Copy !req
51. Gobble gobble.Copy !req
52. You guys, thanks so much
for having us over.Copy !req
53. Well, we're just glad we
can have people over againCopy !req
54. now that that giant
crab's gone.Copy !req
55. Hey, guys,
how ya doin'?
Come on in.Copy !req
56. No-no-no-no-no-no-no.Copy !req
57. No-no-no-no-no,
no-no-no-no-no.Copy !req
58. Just go around it.Copy !req
59. He's not gonna
hurt ya.Copy !req
60. Just go around it.Copy !req
61. No-no-no-no-no-no-no.Copy !req
62. No-no-no-no-no,
no-no-no-no-no.Copy !req
63. No-no-no-no-no.Copy !req
64. All right, try just
going under him.Copy !req
65. I think we should
probably just go home.Copy !req
66. Maybe we'll do it
another time.Copy !req
67. No-no-no-no-no.Copy !req
68. What the hell?Copy !req
69. Mom!Copy !req
70. Mom, it's me! Mom!Copy !req
71. Oh, yeah, it's a baby.Copy !req
72. It's a big balloon, baby,Copy !req
73. just like you're a baby.Copy !req
74. No, it's me!Copy !req
75. It's a balloon of me!Copy !req
76. Peter, come
look at this.Copy !req
77. He sees a baby and knows
that he's also a baby.Copy !req
78. So smart.Copy !req
79. Mama's smart little boy.Copy !req
80. Aah, check out Quagmire.Copy !req
81. It's been a year and a half,Copy !req
82. and he still looks
uncomfortable around his dad.Copy !req
83. Well, it's a
big adjustment.Copy !req
84. After all, his dad did have
a sex-change operation.Copy !req
85. So, uh...
how-how are things, Dad?Copy !req
86. Oh, Glenn, I can't tell you how
wonderful it is to be back here.Copy !req
87. This is gonna be a really
special Thanksgiving.Copy !req
88. Happy Thanksgiving!Copy !req
89. We brought
chicken wings.Copy !req
90. Oh, yum. I hope they're the
kind with the bone removed.Copy !req
91. Hey, Aunt Carol.Copy !req
92. Hey, Uncle Adam.Copy !req
93. Don't mention last night's
Project Runway.Copy !req
94. I've got it on TiVo.Copy !req
95. Happy Thanksgiving.Copy !req
96. I brought Marshmallow Peeps.Copy !req
97. Oh.Copy !req
98. Okay.Copy !req
99. I'm gonna need
that Pyrex dish back.Copy !req
100. Okay.Copy !req
101. I'm gonna need it back now.Copy !req
102. Oh.Copy !req
103. I don't want
anything else todayCopy !req
104. to get as tense
as that just got.Copy !req
105. Carol, it's so good
to see you.Copy !req
106. You, too, Lois.Copy !req
107. God, that is
one nice ass.Copy !req
108. Thank you.
You're welcome.Copy !req
109. This is nice.Copy !req
110. This is very nice,Copy !req
111. the time that
we're spending
together right now.Copy !req
112. Easy, Joe.Copy !req
113. Sorry.
Just making mental memoriesCopy !req
114. for when you're all
inevitably dead,Copy !req
115. and I'm left alone.Copy !req
116. Geez. Quagmire, help me out
with this.Copy !req
117. No, he's right.
I mean, sometimesCopy !req
118. chicks die, and it's
not anyone's fault.Copy !req
119. Okay, everyone, it's 2:30.
Time for dinner.Copy !req
120. 'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30
is dinnertime for some reason.Copy !req
121. Oh, my.Copy !req
122. Lois, those sweet potatoes
look delicious.Copy !req
123. That's the
stuffing, Ma.Copy !req
124. Now put on your glasses before
you run over another black guy.Copy !req
125. Oh, this looks fantastic.Copy !req
126. I can't wait to poop this out.Copy !req
127. Hey! Who's gonna getCopy !req
128. the Thanksgiving dump trophy
this year?Copy !req
129. You are!
Dad's gonna get it!Copy !req
130. Who else?Copy !req
131. Loving.
Loving family.Copy !req
132. Well, dig in, everyone!Copy !req
133. Hello, Ida.
Hello, Brian.Copy !req
134. How have you been?
Very well, thank you.Copy !req
135. He threw up
when he found out
you were a monster.Copy !req
136. This food is so good,
Lois.Copy !req
137. Oh. Okay.
Wow.Copy !req
138. Hey! Is there room at that table
for one more?Copy !req
139. Oh, my God!Copy !req
140. Kevin Swanson!Copy !req
141. Son, you're alive!Copy !req
142. Aw, and I stayed up all night
writing dead kid jokes.Copy !req
143. All right, you know what,
I'm gonna do one anyway.Copy !req
144. Kevin, go back outside.Copy !req
145. Everybody pretend
this didn't happen.Copy !req
146. Hey, Joe, what's your favorite
preparation of a tomato?Copy !req
147. Is it son-died tomato?Copy !req
148. Is it son-died tomato?Copy !req
149. Okay, Kevin, you
can come back in.Copy !req
150. Welcome home, soldier.Copy !req
151. Son-died tomato.Copy !req
152. Kevin, you're alive!Copy !req
153. I don't believe it.Copy !req
154. Oh, my God, it's a miracle!Copy !req
155. Well, I guess
you replaced real butterCopy !req
156. as the star of the dinner.Copy !req
157. But I don't understand.Copy !req
158. The Army said you'd
been killed in action.Copy !req
159. What happened?Copy !req
160. Well, it's quite a story.Copy !req
161. In some ways, Army life in Iraq
is what you'd expect,Copy !req
162. what with the blistering heat,Copy !req
163. the constant sense
of impending danger,Copy !req
164. and the one gay soldierCopy !req
165. awkwardly avoiding
the use of pronouns.Copy !req
166. Man, I sure miss my
sweetheart back home.Copy !req
167. I can't wait to get
back to that person.Copy !req
168. Chow time, boys.Copy !req
169. Yes, sir, Sergeant
Major General Captain!Copy !req
170. Ah, come on, boys,
it's Thanksgiving.Copy !req
171. Call me Major
General Captain.Copy !req
172. Now you eat up.Copy !req
173. I don't trust that turkey
those Iraqis made.Copy !req
174. Ah, you're all wet, Swanson.Copy !req
175. I call the white meat.Copy !req
176. I call the dark meat.Copy !req
177. I call the cell phone
duct-taped to the side!Copy !req
178. Noooooo!Copy !req
179. They're all dead, sir,
except for Swanson.Copy !req
180. He's in a coma, but he's
unlikely to recover.Copy !req
181. Okay, well, just send Swanson's
parents a letter sayingCopy !req
182. that he's dead, 'cause
those are already printed.Copy !req
183. You know what? Send one
to my parents, too.Copy !req
184. I spent five years in a
Kuwait military hospital.Copy !req
185. I woke up from
the coma last week,Copy !req
186. and I flew straight here.Copy !req
187. Kind of a
Thanksgiving surprise.Copy !req
188. Hey, when you get sexually
abused while you're in a coma,Copy !req
189. do you know
it's happeningCopy !req
190. and just can't do
anything about it?Copy !req
191. Or do you not even
know what's going on?Copy !req
192. I also am curious about that.Copy !req
193. Hey, Kevin, you know
I put a yellow ribbonCopy !req
194. on my car for you guys?Copy !req
195. And-and a little thing that says
"I support the troops."Copy !req
196. 'Cause there's nothing
I wouldn't do for you guys.Copy !req
197. but I don't have
any change on me right now.Copy !req
198. Well, all that matters
is that my boy is home.Copy !req
199. Kevin, I want you to meet
your little sister, Susie.Copy !req
200. Wow.Copy !req
201. Hey, little sis.Copy !req
202. I guess we got
some catching up to do, huh?Copy !req
203. Hope you
don't get scaredCopy !req
204. when I scream and
have night terrors.Copy !req
205. It's quite all right.Copy !req
206. I've seen worse.Copy !req
207. A human centipede. How ghastly.Copy !req
208. Your mother and I are
very proud of you, Kevin.Copy !req
209. You're a war hero.Copy !req
210. I don't feel
like a war hero.Copy !req
211. Only a war hero
would say that.Copy !req
212. Hey, so what about the female
soldiers over there?Copy !req
213. Were they able to contribute?Copy !req
214. Eh, you know,
they did their best.Copy !req
215. What with their
regular bleedingsCopy !req
216. when they got shot,
did they even know?Copy !req
217. Look, guys,
I'm not a hero.Copy !req
218. And I don't want to be treated
any different than before.Copy !req
219. Just that you would say thatCopy !req
220. means we should treat you
different.Copy !req
221. Come on, guys, let's give him
all our best food.Copy !req
222. Okay, now you eat up, and then
we're all gonna go out backCopy !req
223. and play some Thanksgiving touch
football— excuse me:Copy !req
224. war hero Thanksgiving
touch football.Copy !req
225. Yeaaaaah!Copy !req
226. U.S.A.!Copy !req
227. I didn't even know
there was a war.Copy !req
228. Okay, let's pick teams.Copy !req
229. I'll be a captain,Copy !req
230. and, uh, Mayor West,
you can be a captain.Copy !req
231. All right.
I pick you.Copy !req
232. You can't pick me;
I'm a captain.Copy !req
233. No one had ever stood up to me
like that before.Copy !req
234. I respected him
from there on out.Copy !req
235. That's a great
story, Grandpa.Copy !req
236. I didn't like it.Copy !req
237. None of my grandchildrenCopy !req
238. had ever disliked one
of my stories before.Copy !req
239. From then on,
he was my favorite.Copy !req
240. Well, I don't like that
story, Great Grandpa.Copy !req
241. Future old people
are wizards.Copy !req
242. Okay, so here's the game:Copy !req
243. I'm... I'm drunk,Copy !req
244. and I'm gonna throw the football
too hard at my kids.Copy !req
245. Oh, Dad, do we have to—
Ow!Copy !req
246. Don't cry!
Don't cry!Copy !req
247. Game's over if you cry.Copy !req
248. I want you to learn
about life, Chris,Copy !req
249. 'cause of, in life
it's like this.Copy !req
250. Peter, I think you may
have had one too many.Copy !req
251. Maybe it's time
to ease off, huh?Copy !req
252. What are you talking
about, Lois?Copy !req
253. Dads getting drunk
on ThanksgivingCopy !req
254. is a holiday tradition.Copy !req
255. I work hard to put
a cornucopia on this table,Copy !req
256. and you're out
showing your lower ankleCopy !req
257. to every Tom, Tom, and
other Tom in our village!Copy !req
258. Don't talk to mother
in like fashion!Copy !req
259. That's it.
The belt is coming off.Copy !req
260. All right, son.Copy !req
261. Let's put these bozos
in a hurt locker.Copy !req
262. Right? 'Cause, uh,
"hurt locker" meansCopy !req
263. some kind of war hero
thing, or something.Copy !req
264. Pfft. My friends
and I used to laughCopy !req
265. about how fake
that movie is.Copy !req
266. But...Copy !req
267. Well, wait, I, uh...Copy !req
268. I'm pretty sure
that movie came outCopy !req
269. after you went
into your coma.Copy !req
270. Right— no, no, uh, I-I-I was
talking about a different movie.Copy !req
271. Let's play ball!Copy !req
272. Yeah, let's play ball.Copy !req
273. The world has changed around me,Copy !req
274. and I'm mad and scared!Copy !req
275. Lois, this pumpkin pie
looks delightful.Copy !req
276. Hey, Kevin, can I see
your Purple Heart?Copy !req
277. 'Cause I never
actually seen one.Copy !req
278. One-one time this homeless guy
showed me his purple head,Copy !req
279. but looking back,
I'm-I'm not so sureCopy !req
280. that that was really
a military thing.Copy !req
281. Pfft. I didn't want
that stupid medal.Copy !req
282. You know what I
did with it?Copy !req
283. I threw it back over
the White House fence.Copy !req
284. Wait a minute.
I thought you saidCopy !req
285. you flew straight
home from KuwaitCopy !req
286. after you woke
from your coma.Copy !req
287. When did you throw your medal
over the White House fence?Copy !req
288. N-N-N-No, I-I-I told you, I flew
to D.C., ditched the medals,Copy !req
289. and flew home.Copy !req
290. I guess that was just
his dirty hobo penis, huh?Copy !req
291. Kevin, why would you
want to get rid ofCopy !req
292. your war medals
like that?Copy !req
293. 'Cause it was
a stupid war, you know?Copy !req
294. All it did was put me in a coma
and kill one of my bunkmatesCopy !req
295. and cripple the other one
for life.Copy !req
296. W-Wait a minute.Copy !req
297. Now, I thought
earlier you saidCopy !req
298. that both of your
bunkmates were killed.Copy !req
299. Now you're saying
only one of them was?Copy !req
300. But I just want
you guys to knowCopy !req
301. I barely even stared
at that penis for an hour.Copy !req
302. What? Come on, Dad.Copy !req
303. Whatev.Copy !req
304. H-Hey, why's it
so hot in here?Copy !req
305. It's too hot in here.Copy !req
306. Wait a minute.Copy !req
307. An Ed Hardy T-shirt?Copy !req
308. That particular
strain of douche bagCopy !req
309. didn't arise
until 2007,Copy !req
310. while you were
supposedly in your coma.Copy !req
311. Look, get off my case, Dad!Copy !req
312. What do you want from me?Copy !req
313. The truth.Copy !req
314. Fine! Here's the truth!Copy !req
315. I was never in any coma, okay?Copy !req
316. I bailed.Copy !req
317. I faked my death and went AWOL.Copy !req
318. I faked my own death once.Copy !req
319. No dentist appointment
for this guy.Copy !req
320. So, there it is.Copy !req
321. I'm not a war hero.Copy !req
322. I abandoned my platoon.Copy !req
323. So now what do we do?Copy !req
324. Me?Copy !req
325. Am-Am I, am I supposed
to say something?Copy !req
326. Kevin,Copy !req
327. you're under arrest for
the crime of desertion.Copy !req
328. Oh, my.Copy !req
329. Um, maybe it's time for us
girls to hit the powder room.Copy !req
330. You may use
the yard.Copy !req
331. So you were lying
to us this whole time?Copy !req
332. You weren't really
injured in Iraq?Copy !req
333. First Pat Tillman lies
about how he died and now you?Copy !req
334. Kevin, I don't
understand.Copy !req
335. There's nothing to understand.Copy !req
336. Our son is a deserter.Copy !req
337. Come on, Kevin,
I'm taking you to jail.Copy !req
338. Joe, wait!
Not now, Bonnie.Copy !req
339. Joe, you can't!Copy !req
340. Bonnie, we'll discuss
this later!Copy !req
341. Joe! You're not taking
my son anywhere.Copy !req
342. Damn it, you guys
are ruining Thanksgiving!Copy !req
343. And it's my second
favorite holiday,Copy !req
344. right after Pretend Not
To Notice People's Race Day.Copy !req
345. Hey, you seen
Reggie around?Copy !req
346. Which one is Reggie?Copy !req
347. Oh, uh, today he's
wearing yellow pants,Copy !req
348. uh, yellow shirt, yellow
hat, yellow shoes.Copy !req
349. Uh, he's got a gold tooth,
uh, diamond earring.Copy !req
350. Um, he's got that big necklace
with the dollar sign on it.Copy !req
351. Uh, he's always
grabbing his crotchCopy !req
352. when he's
telling a story.Copy !req
353. Like the one about
when he found outCopy !req
354. his mother is really
his grandmother.Copy !req
355. Could you be more specific?Copy !req
356. Uh, oh, let's see.Copy !req
357. Uh, he always wears
cheap cologne.Copy !req
358. Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar
with a crown on the dashboard.Copy !req
359. Uh, never pays
his alimony.Copy !req
360. Uh, he's extremely cut for
a guy who never works out.Copy !req
361. Oh, there he is.
Thanks anyway.Copy !req
362. Hey, Reggie!Copy !req
363. Look, maybe we should
just let KevinCopy !req
364. explain why he did what he did.Copy !req
365. At first,
I believed in the cause.Copy !req
366. But then I saw what we were
doing to the people of Iraq.Copy !req
367. Innocent people.Copy !req
368. There was one
that I'll never forget.Copy !req
369. He was a little
Iraqi street kid.Copy !req
370. I'd befriended him
a few months earlier.Copy !req
371. Couldn't have been
more than 12 years old.Copy !req
372. I taught him how to crack wise,
American style.Copy !req
373. I guess that store's
having a fire sale.Copy !req
374. I tell you, that kid was
strong-headed for his age.Copy !req
375. Smart, but innocent.Copy !req
376. And then one day,
there was a fire fight.Copy !req
377. We bring in this civilian who
got killed in the crossfire.Copy !req
378. I pull back the sheet,
and who is it?Copy !req
379. Not the kid, but, like,Copy !req
380. the kid's dad's, like,
coworker's neighbor.Copy !req
381. He was 74 and he had actually
tried to rape someone.Copy !req
382. But just looking down
at his dead faceCopy !req
383. and knowing that he lived near
someone who worked with the dadCopy !req
384. of the kid whose name I never
found out, I lost all hope.Copy !req
385. That's when I knew
I had to get out of Iraq.Copy !req
386. I just had to wait
for my chance.Copy !req
387. I call the white meat!Copy !req
388. I call the dark meat!Copy !req
389. I call the cell phone
duct taped to the side!Copy !req
390. No!Copy !req
391. Somehow, I'd been spared
that Thanksgiving.Copy !req
392. But I can't say the same
for my bunkmates.Copy !req
393. There were bits and pieces
of them everywhere.Copy !req
394. I knew the Army would never be
able to identify who was who.Copy !req
395. So that was my chance
to disappear.Copy !req
396. So I left.Copy !req
397. How could you
do that?Copy !req
398. Coward!
Traitor!Copy !req
399. If you think
that I'm gonna masturbateCopy !req
400. after this tonight,
you're right.Copy !req
401. We don't have to sit
here and listen to this.Copy !req
402. Come on, Kevin, let's
get out of here.Copy !req
403. Nice try, skank.
Worth a shot.Copy !req
404. Well, where did you go
after you left the war?Copy !req
405. I spent a few years laying low.Copy !req
406. Wrote some poems.
You want to hear some?Copy !req
407. No.
Are you sure?Copy !req
408. They're pretty intense.Copy !req
409. No.
Here, let me just read one.Copy !req
410. If I can guess a line in there,
will you not read it?Copy !req
411. I don't think you'll be able
to guess a line.Copy !req
412. Is it something like,
"Ice burns as hot as fire"?Copy !req
413. Okay, so then I went to Europe,
Australia, Canada, all over.Copy !req
414. But I really missed you guys.Copy !req
415. I wanted to be with people
who love me, no matter what.Copy !req
416. So I came home.Copy !req
417. Well, it sounds
to me likeCopy !req
418. you're a regular
Benedict Arnold Drummond.Copy !req
419. W-What's he expecting us
to cut to?Copy !req
420. I think he wants maybe—
I don't know—Copy !req
421. Gary Coleman
in a Napoleon hat?Copy !req
422. But we don't have that.Copy !req
423. We-We got to come up
with something.Copy !req
424. Well, we got, uh, we gotCopy !req
425. "The Cowardly Lion is
Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist."Copy !req
426. Play it, play it.Copy !req
427. But he didn't set it up.
Play it!Copy !req
428. All right, I'm gonna
check her for diseases.Copy !req
429. There's just one thing
I want you to do.Copy !req
430. What's that?
What's that?Copy !req
431. Talk me out of it.Copy !req
432. No, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
433. What the hell
is going on up there?Copy !req
434. Well, I'm sorry
you all feel the way you do.Copy !req
435. But I walked away from
an illegal war of aggressionCopy !req
436. being fought 6,000 miles away
from our shores.Copy !req
437. Better there than here
where all my stuff is.Copy !req
438. So, what, you figured you'd just
let 'em get away with 9/11?Copy !req
439. Mr. Griffin, Iraq had
nothing to do with 9/11.Copy !req
440. And the war we started in Iraq
has killed a half a millionCopy !req
441. of their people, which
is like 2009/11's.Copy !req
442. So, I guess those moments
of silence we hadCopy !req
443. at those sporting events
meant nothing to you.Copy !req
444. I'm just saying
this war is wrong.Copy !req
445. Son, your job isn't to decide
whether it's right or wrong.Copy !req
446. Your job is to
follow orders.Copy !req
447. Well, that's what the Nazi
soldiers did, isn't it?Copy !req
448. They followed orders.Copy !req
449. You're saying our troops
are like the Nazis?Copy !req
450. No, I'm just saying that blindly
following orders has resultedCopy !req
451. in the deaths of millions
of people throughout history.Copy !req
452. You know, I have not talked
to Carol all night.Copy !req
453. Carol, how are you?Copy !req
454. Look, I think you guys are
all rushing to judge KevinCopy !req
455. without knowing what it was like
to be in his shoes.Copy !req
456. He saw horrific things,
in a horrific war,Copy !req
457. that only one other person hereCopy !req
458. could possibly come close
to understanding: Ida.Copy !req
459. She was in the military.Copy !req
460. She's seen battle.Copy !req
461. She's seen innocent people
butchered by war machines.Copy !req
462. And I'm sure that Ida,
more than anyone else here,Copy !req
463. can understand and support
the choice that Kevin made.Copy !req
464. No, Brian, I do not understand
Kevin's choice,Copy !req
465. and I do not support it.Copy !req
466. Okay, well, that's just
some dumb drag queen.Copy !req
467. Son, when you go to war,
you don't end upCopy !req
468. fighting for your country
or your family or your flag.Copy !req
469. You're fighting for
your fellow soldiersCopy !req
470. there in the foxhole with you.Copy !req
471. You walked out on those men, and
that's what's most unforgivable.Copy !req
472. You know what, everyone?
Forget it.Copy !req
473. Up till today,
you guys thought I was dead.Copy !req
474. Well, I'm not.Copy !req
475. But after all this,Copy !req
476. Dad, you may as well
take me to prison,Copy !req
477. 'cause right now
I wish I was dead.Copy !req
478. If anyone has wanted whip cream
on their pie, it's not my fault.Copy !req
479. I can't get a word
in edgewise around here.Copy !req
480. Kevin, I don't want
to lose you again.Copy !req
481. But I do have
a job to do.Copy !req
482. So get moving.Copy !req
483. 'Cause there's at least
one Swanson man in this roomCopy !req
484. who does his duty.Copy !req
485. Doodie means poop.
It does.Copy !req
486. Are you, Dad?Copy !req
487. Are you the only one
who does his duty?Copy !req
488. That's not
how I remember it.Copy !req
489. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
490. You don't remember, do you?Copy !req
491. I was in first grade.Copy !req
492. You took me out with you
on one of your shifts.Copy !req
493. I just think it's
presumptuous.Copy !req
494. I mean, come on, "the
country's best yogurt"?Copy !req
495. You know, prove it.Copy !req
496. Show me your data.Copy !req
497. Help! Police!Copy !req
498. That man's a thief!Copy !req
499. Go get him, Dad!Copy !req
500. Reach for the sky, dirtbag!Copy !req
501. What the hell?Copy !req
502. I'm sorry, Officer.Copy !req
503. I-I was just trying
to feed my family.Copy !req
504. I don't care what you were
trying to do, you broke the law.Copy !req
505. I know.Copy !req
506. I didn't know what else to do.Copy !req
507. I have three very wide-eyed
children to feed.Copy !req
508. Wide-eyed children
are the hungriest.Copy !req
509. Kids, Daddy has to go away
for a while, okay?Copy !req
510. Take care of Mommy
until she dies tomorrow.Copy !req
511. It's okay, Daddy.Copy !req
512. I'll be the man of the shack
while you're gone.Copy !req
513. Uh, listen,
there's been a mistake.Copy !req
514. I'm not here
to arrest your father.Copy !req
515. You're not?Copy !req
516. No, Son.Copy !req
517. I just came over to tell you
what a great guy your father isCopy !req
518. and how hard he's been
working for all of you.Copy !req
519. Wait. You're letting me go?Copy !req
520. I don't understand.Copy !req
521. I'm not sure I do either.Copy !req
522. I know the law says
I have to arrest you.Copy !req
523. But sometimes the law
is just a piece of paper.Copy !req
524. There's right, there's wrong,Copy !req
525. and somewhere in between,
there's life.Copy !req
526. You folks have a good day.Copy !req
527. I never forgot what you did.Copy !req
528. Well, thanks for
coming, you guys.Copy !req
529. You know what you were
doing that day, Dad?Copy !req
530. You were breaking the law.Copy !req
531. You knew what your duty told you
you were supposed to do,Copy !req
532. but instead, you did
what you thought was right.Copy !req
533. I haven't thought about
that family in years.Copy !req
534. I think about them
all the time.Copy !req
535. And the example
you set for me that day.Copy !req
536. It's the very reason
I left Iraq.Copy !req
537. It sucks how early
I have to work.Copy !req
538. Well, Kevin,
I still can't sayCopy !req
539. that I agree
with your choice.Copy !req
540. Not one bit.Copy !req
541. But I suppose
sometimes a manCopy !req
542. has to do
what he thinks is right.Copy !req
543. And if that's what
you thought was right,Copy !req
544. I guess I can accept it.Copy !req
545. I'm glad you're
home, son.Copy !req
546. Me, too, Dad.Copy !req
547. You know, there's still
some pumpkin pie left, everyone.Copy !req
548. That sounds
good to me.Copy !req
549. Me, too.Copy !req
550. Hey, happy Thanksgiving
to us all, huh?Copy !req
551. USA! USA!Copy !req
552. Wait!Copy !req
553. That man's an imposter.Copy !req
554. I'm the real Kevin Swanson!Copy !req
555. Guys, I don't think
we have time for this.Copy !req