Family Guy 9x9

1. Stewie Griffin— scientist, inventor, infant.

2. Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths

3. that all humans have.

4. Then an accidental overdose

5. of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry.

6. And now whenever Stewie Griffin grows angry or outraged,

7. a startling metamorphosis occurs.

8. Ow, I hurt myself changing this tire!

9. The creature is driven by rage

10. and pursued by an investigative reporter.

11. Mr. Tucker, don't make me angry.

12. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

13. The creature is wanted for a murder he didn't commit.

14. Stewie Griffin is believed to be dead.

15. And he must let the world think that he is dead,

16. until he can find a way to control

17. the raging spirit that dwells within him.

18. Oh, come on, can we please change the channel?

19. I can't stand local news.

20. No, Brian. The new female anchor

21. is about to do that Child of the Month segment.

22. I like her.

23. Good evening, I'm Joyce Kinney.

24. And this is April's Child of the Month,

25. eight-year-old Angus Reed.

26. Angus was born with cerebral palsy.

27. And his only wish is to one day become a famous heart surgeon.

28. All I want to do is help people.

29. Child of the Month, Angus Reed.

30. Good luck with your dream, Angus.

31. We believe in you.

32. What a weird little guy.

33. Thanks, Joyce.

34. How old do they usually live to be, by the way?

35. Well, you never see a gray-haired one.

36. Ah, so inspiring.

37. Mom, there's a row open up there.

38. Oh, good, I like sitting in the front.

39. Me, too.

40. I didn't dress up not to be seen.

41. Hey, you, go easy on the communion wine today.

42. Don't want another one of your drunken mishaps.

43. (baby talk): Let me get at that belly.

44. Let me kiss that belly. (laughing)

45. Stop it! Cut it out!

46. I'm gonna give you a flubber kiss.

47. Oh, Lois, that tickles!

48. Flubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie.

49. Ah, give me that belly!

50. Oh, my God!

51. I'm sorry. (chuckles)

52. I got a little nervous.

53. It's just, I like you so much.

54. Please turn to hymn number 487.

55. Please be seated.

56. Let me remind you all that this Saturday at 5:00 p.m.,

57. we'll have vespers, not to be confused

58. with the Italian motor scooter.

59. Vespers!

60. And don't forget, next weekend,

61. we will have the Sunday afternoon family picnic—

62. as God said to Noah— weather permitting.

63. Stop it!

64. And another reminder: When you arrive to mass,

65. please do not park behind the rectory.

66. As the Corinthians said to the Galatians, "That's my land."

67. Oh, ho, ho!

68. Look out, Gallagher!

69. Stop kissing ass.

70. Bless you.

71. Have a wonderful day.

72. Thank you, Father.

73. Hey, nice talk, chief.

74. There you go. Buy the wife something pretty.

75. Oh, Father, your homily was so moving today.

76. Thank you, Lois.

77. And thank you for the great job you did

78. with the rummage sale for the needy last weekend.

79. Oh, it was my pleasure.

80. You know, I accidentally almost put a cashmere sweater in there.

81. Can you believe? (chuckles)

82. What would one of them do with a cashmere sweater?

83. You know, Lois, we also have a bake sale coming up,

84. and we're short about eight pies.

85. Well, I'll hit the grocery store this afternoon

86. and get to work.

87. Okay, Lois, bye!

88. Bye, church!

89. Bye, church guy!

90. Bye, unending conversation!

91. Bye, terrible church people!

92. Bye!

93. My God, does everything have to have a mascot these days?

94. I mean, look, there's a lion in overalls on the aluminum foil.

95. I mean, wh-who is that for?

96. No, Lois, don't get that one!

97. Get the one with the lion in overalls!

98. (gasps) Oh, my God, look!

99. It's Joyce Kinney from Channel Five.

100. Excuse me, Miss Kinney?

101. I don't mean to bother you, but my name is Lois Griffin.

102. I-I am a huge fan, and I just think

103. you are doing a fantastic job.

104. And after what I went through with Diane Simmons,

105. well, let me just say it's nice

106. to be standing here with no one trying to murder me.

107. Yeah, no, you're fine.

108. Oh, well, that's very nice of you to say.

109. You know, it's my first anchoring job,

110. and I'm trying to make a good impression.

111. I love the "Child of the Month" segment.

112. We just watched that one with the little goofball

113. who thought he was going to be a doctor.

114. Ah, I can't believe I'm actually meeting you.

115. You know, the news is so much better with you on it.

116. Well, you know, Lois,

117. I'm on my way back to the station after lunch.

118. I'd be happy to give you a tour.

119. Oh, my goodness. That'd be wonderful.

120. Great. Why don't you come down

121. to the station around 6:00?

122. You can watch the broadcast.

123. Okay. I'll see you then.

124. Oh, wait-wait.

125. BILF. Total BILF.

126. Yeah, so, going pretty good.

127. I got six pacifiers now.

128. That was a big nothing.

129. And Julie Andrews pleaded not guilty,

130. saying that she brought the gun

131. to the nightclub for protection.

132. And that's all for today's Channel Five News at 6:00.

133. Oh, I almost forgot.

134. That little girl is still missing.

135. Do we have a picture?

136. Do we... We-we don't? We don't have a picture?

137. Okay, we don't have a picture. Okay.

138. But she's... She's Puerto Rican.

139. So look out for a Puerto Rican.

140. We're clear.

141. That was so much fun to watch.

142. What a pro you are.

143. Lois, you've met Tom Tucker.

144. Oh, yes, of course.

145. I loved that piece you did

146. on the invention of the guillotine.

147. Oh, thank you. You know,

148. half the time those things didn't really work.

149. How was it, honey?

150. Ah, they couldn't finish.

151. Oh, really?

152. Yeah, I got to go back tomorrow.

153. Oh, well, I made cabbage for dinner.

154. Yeah, that would be the ending to this day.

155. In here is our editor, Mike.

156. They let him smoke inside

157. because all the smoke from his cigarette

158. just floats directly back up into his face.

159. (hoarsely): Hey, Joyce, when you get a chance,

160. come take a look at the Weekapaug thing.

161. Oh, this is all so fascinating.

162. You must have so many stories.

163. Well, look, if you want to grab a drink with me later tonight,

164. I'd be happy to tell you some.

165. Oh, my God, I would love to.

166. Look at me, huh?

167. Stepping out on the town with a big celebrity.

168. Well, I think you're exaggerating.

169. No, you're a lady big shot, like Miss Piggy.

170. Hey, Kermit.

171. What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch?

172. Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now.

173. There's been a change.

174. What? There's been a change!

175. We now return to

176. Ellen Only Talks When Her Guest Is Talking.

177. So, you want to hear about my movie?

178. I had a great weekend. We spent three

179. months shooting in Louisiana.

180. I danced all over my house. And, you know, it's a thriller.

181. It's really a love story, too. I try to dance in every room

182. at least once a week. I also listen to jazz while I vacuum,

183. which is cool.

184. Anyway, it comes out Friday. I got to work

185. with Julianna Marguiles. My pets were going wild

186. all weekend. I think there's, like, something in the air.

187. Could not have been nicer. Like smog or pollen.

188. Or pollinated smog, or...

189. Are you just gonna talk

190. over everything that I say? I love talking on TV.

191. I'll-I'll do anything to talk on TV.

192. Hiya, lame asses.

193. Whoa. We were having a nice time.

194. Sorry. I'm just painfully aware

195. that I'm the only member of this family

196. who's going out for drinks with a celebrity tonight.

197. What are you talking about?

198. Joyce Kinney invited me out for drinks.

199. So just order a pizza or something, okay?

200. See you guys later.

201. Man, I hate calling that pizza place.

202. They don't speak English, and they always mess up the order.

203. It's like trying to give my cell phone number to the housekeeper.

204. Okay, I'm expecting a very important delivery at the house.

205. So, could you please call me if it arrives?

206. I'll give you my cell number.

207. Okay. Yes.

208. No problem. Give me number.

209. Okay. 401-555-1125.

210. Four...

211. (sighs) Four, zero...

212. Four, four, zero...

213. No, no, I was just repeating the four.

214. One four.

215. One, four...

216. All right, let's start over.

217. Four, zero, one.

218. Four.

219. Zero.

220. Zero...

221. One.

222. One.

223. Four, zero, one. Yes.

224. Five, five, five.

225. Five. Five. Five.

226. That was painless.

227. Okay. One, one, two, five.

228. One, one, two, five.

229. There you go, you got it.

230. One, five, five.

231. What?

232. You say, "One one, two fives."

233. One, five, five.

234. No, no. Not one one and two fives.

235. Two ones.

236. Two, one, one, one, two, five.

237. Oh, my God.

238. Okay. How many ones?

239. I'm not giving you quantities of the numbers,

240. I'm giving you the numbers.

241. One, one, two, five.

242. Those are the last four numbers.

243. Okay, one...

244. One, one.

245. One, one.

246. Two. Two.

247. Five.

248. Five. Oh, I see.

249. One, one, two, five.

250. Yes! One, one, two, five.

251. All right, now, read the number back to me.

252. L-Let me get my pen.

253. And that's why whenever I have sex without protection,

254. I call it, "taking a John Chancellor."

255. Oh, my God, Joyce, you've got so many great stories.

256. Oh, come on, I'm sure

257. you've done some crazy stuff in your time.

258. Well...

259. Oh, what is it?

260. No, n-n-no, I can't.

261. Lois, I feel like we're really bonding here tonight.

262. Come on, let's hear it.

263. Well, I have had an abortion.

264. Oh, wake me up when you got something good.

265. Oh, my goodness, sarcastic sleeping.

266. That puts a lot of pressure on me.

267. All right, well, when I was in college,

268. I was in an adult film.

269. Oh, my God, you did a porno?

270. Shh! Please, please, please do not say a word to anybody.

271. I have never told anyone that, not even my husband.

272. I promise, I'll take it to the grave.

273. But oh, my God, Lois, that's hilarious!

274. Do you have a copy?

275. Oh, no, that movie's long gone.

276. Like the original ending to Grease.

277. We've been up here for four days.

278. Why did you drive the car into the air

279. if you didn't know how to get it back down?

280. Look, Sandy, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

281. Obviously, I didn't think ahead.

282. It's so cold.

283. Let's cuddle together for warmth.

284. I-I'm... I'm, I'm, I'm warm enough.

285. Quick, we gotta turn the channel.

286. I promised my friend Joyce I'd watch the news tonight.

287. Holy (beep), that just turned out awful.

288. Joyce, do your thing.

289. Thanks, Tom.

290. Pornography. The very word conjures up

291. images of red-light districts, unprotected sex, and of course,

292. the turn-of-the-century pornograph machine.

293. Whoa-ho-ho! Sweet Mary!

294. But it seems pornography has finally found its way

295. to our neighborhood.

296. Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin

297. has revealed to this reporter

298. that she appeared in a pornographic movie

299. back in the early 1980s.

300. What? Mom, that's you!

301. Boy, that black bar would be a lot lower now, huh? Huh?

302. Huh? Would it not?

303. Evidently, Lois Griffin, star citizen of Quahog,

304. is also Lois Griffin, star of "Quest for Fur."

305. It just goes to show you never know

306. what sort of person is living next door.

307. Tom?

308. I can't believe this!

309. Lois, you were in a porno?

310. She totally betrayed me!

311. I thought girlfriends were supposed to support each other.

312. Ha! Slut!

313. How could you do that to me, Joyce?

314. Oh. Hello, Lois.

315. I told you that in confidence!

316. You totally humiliated me!

317. Well, then I guess now we're even.

318. What?

319. What are you talking about?

320. I never did anything to you!

321. You really don't remember me, do you?

322. Remember you?

323. We went to high school together, Lois?

324. Chemistry class? Freshman year?

325. Joycie?

326. You're Joyce Chevapravatdumrong?

327. Yes, but they'd never let that name on TV,

328. so I changed it to Kinney.

329. You ruined my adolescence, Lois.

330. You told me I'd made the cheer squad,

331. blindfolded me, and told me

332. we were going for a special celebration breakfast.

333. When you took the blindfold off,

334. I was standing in front of the entire school

335. with my pants around my ankles and a hot dog in my mouth.

336. It was a horrible thing to do, Lois.

337. Look, Joyce, that was a long time ago.

338. And I'm very sorry for what I did.

339. But we're adults now,

340. and that doesn't give you any reason

341. to humiliate me like this.

342. Boo-hoo.

343. You don't like it, you can go talk to a reporter.

344. Oh, my God.

345. I thought we were friends.

346. The kind of really good friends that communicate with each other

347. poorly through Facebook.

348. Everyone, I think it's important

349. that we talk openly about this.

350. It was back in a disgusting period known as the early '80s.

351. It was a time when women would stand topless,

352. high on coke, on the edge of hotel balconies

353. while the curtains were billowing around them.

354. I think there was actually more wind back then.

355. Hey, Lois, get back inside!

356. This coke isn't gonna snort itself!

357. Great party, Raoul.

358. I feel like I'm horkin' all your cocaine.

359. Hey, that's okay, Lois.

360. You can just buy the next bag, eh?

361. Right, other guy?

362. Oh, I couldn't afford that.

363. My daddy's making me pay for my own tuition this semester

364. because I maxed out all my credit cards

365. buying a copy of E.T. at the video store.

366. It was $399.

367. Yeah, but you own it.

368. You can just watch that now.

369. And besides, I got another way you can make money.

370. So Raoul gave me a job at his pet store,

371. but I still needed money.

372. One day I was cleaning a birdcage,

373. and a porn producer came in, and... well, the rest you know.

374. I kind of feel like, the part that we should have seen was...

375. You know what? Never mind. It works.

376. Good Lord.

377. Am I a porn baby?

378. No. Stewie, come on.

379. I-I doubt it.

380. I mean, maybe, yeah.

381. Probably, yes.

382. Your mom's in a porno!

383. I saw her boobs!

384. Shut up!

385. Hey, Griffin, your mom's a whore!

386. Come on, guys, knock it off!

387. Yeah, Griffin, your mom's gross and nasty!

388. Hey! Not cool!

389. That's a dude's mom!

390. Well... she's also my mom.

391. Aw, your mom's a whore!

392. Yeah! Suck it!

393. You're a whore-daughter!

394. Yeah, Griffin gets it!

395. Boy, I'm really looking forward to this.

396. I really need some church after the week I've had.

397. (coughs) Sinner.

398. (coughs) Harlot.

399. (coughs) Skank.

400. (coughing) I'm actually sick.

401. You are no longer welcome here, Lois Griffin.

402. But, Father, I've been an active member of this church for...

403. Leave this house of God!

404. But-but I love the church.

405. It's an important part of my life.

406. Maybe you should've thought of that before you made a porn.

407. But, Father, I didn't mean...

408. Wait. Did you say "a porn?"

409. Yes. Oh.

410. Well, that's kind of weird. Why?

411. Well, I mean, you'd either say,

412. "You made porn," or "You made a porno."

413. Y-You don't say, "Made a porn."

414. It just... It hits the ear wrong.

415. Oh, God, have I been saying it wrong this whole time?

416. Come on, Lois.

417. If it makes you feel any better, I don't care.

418. And what does it matter what those people in church think?

419. I mean, most of them are just random background people

420. we've never seen before anyway.

421. Half of them don't even move;

422. the other half just blink.

423. Peter, that-that's very sweet,

424. but how am I supposed to live in this town

425. if I'm a social pariah?

426. What's that?

427. Is that them little fish that eat cows?

428. Just-just leave me alone, please.

429. Hey, Lois, can I talk to you for a second?

430. For the last time, Brian,

431. there's no link to it anywhere online.

432. No, no, that-that's not... that's not what I'm here for.

433. Look, Lois, you did what you did,

434. and there's nothing you can change about that.

435. But those people can only

436. make you feel ashamed if you let them.

437. If you own the choice that you made,

438. you-you take away all their power

439. to make you feel bad about yourself.

440. What do you mean?

441. Well, you remember a few years back,

442. people used to make all those jokes

443. about how Ryan Seacrest was gay?

444. And then he started making those jokes himself,

445. and now nobody makes those jokes anymore.

446. I mean, he's still gay,

447. but now it's no fun to joke about it,

448. because he-he beat us to the punch.

449. My God!

450. That little pole-smoker's a (bleep) genius!

451. and so did the Corinthians finally write back

452. to Saint Paul, saying,

453. "Dude, enough with the letters.

454. "We have received them all,

455. "and will get back to you when we have the time.

456. "And by the way,

457. "a lot of the information you're asking for

458. is available online."

459. Oh, look, everybody, it's the burning bush.

460. Hello, Father.

461. I thought I made it clear that you are no longer welcome here.

462. You know, I've been coming to this church for years.

463. I've heard all the stories.

464. Who did Jesus hang around with?

465. Mary Magdalene.

466. And who was she?

467. A prostitute.

468. Which means,

469. if they had cameras back then,

470. I bet she would have done a porno.

471. And if she did,

472. I know that Jesus would have forgiven her.

473. Am I any worse than Mary Magdalene?

474. And more importantly, are you all better than Jesus?

475. I'm better than Jesus.

476. Okay, yes, Tina Fey, you're better than Jesus.

477. But the rest of you...

478. The rest of you need to accept the fact

479. that I made a simple mistake.

480. And here it is.

481. I know I'm a man of God... but that (bleep) is hot!

482. Oh, look at that.

483. See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious.

484. Somebody order a pizza?