1. Hi.Copy !req
2. I'm Ron MacFarlane,
Seth MacFarlane's father.Copy !req
3. And I'm here
to tell you the storyCopy !req
4. of a very special Christmas
in Quahog.Copy !req
5. Kenny Rogers was supposed
to be here,Copy !req
6. but I think he's dead.Copy !req
7. Anyway, Seth came out
of my penis,Copy !req
8. and now he made this.Copy !req
9. Our story begins in Quahog
just before Christmastime.Copy !req
10. The town was blanketed
with snow,Copy !req
11. the trees were being trimmed,Copy !req
12. and everyone was making up
their Christmas lists.Copy !req
13. Well, that's just not practical.Copy !req
14. Oh, that sounds
terrific.Copy !req
15. How about you, kids?Copy !req
16. Ha-ha!Copy !req
17. Santa's got his work
cut out for him.Copy !req
18. Oh, we ain't even
gotten started yet.Copy !req
19. Wait. What?Copy !req
20. Forget it.
Keep going.Copy !req
21. I'm just saying,
it seems a bit excessive.Copy !req
22. Oh, get off your soap box,
Brian.Copy !req
23. It's Christmas.Copy !req
24. And Christmas is
about gettin'!Copy !req
25. Everyone in town
knows that!Copy !req
26. Ooh, giggity!Copy !req
27. Happy holidays!Copy !req
28. I am so excited
to see Santa Claus.Copy !req
29. You know what I think
is really wonderful?Copy !req
30. Of all the malls
in this great country of ours,Copy !req
31. he chooses to come here.Copy !req
32. Year after year.Copy !req
33. You know, I mean, who...
who are we? You know?Copy !req
34. I'll tell you who we are—
the lucky ones.Copy !req
35. Uh-oh.Copy !req
36. Oh, my God,
look at the line.Copy !req
37. Damn it, we're gonna
be here forever.Copy !req
38. Hey, wait, look!
There's Quagmire, way up front.Copy !req
39. We can cut in line
with him.Copy !req
40. Uh, wait, Stewie.
He doesn't like me so mu...Copy !req
41. Glenn? Glenn
Quagmire?Copy !req
42. Wha...
Wow.Copy !req
43. What... what
are you doing here?Copy !req
44. Oh, hi, Brian.Copy !req
45. Just waiting for Santa,
like everyone else.Copy !req
46. Wow, cool. Cool.Copy !req
47. Oh, man, we'll just hang
with you guys here.Copy !req
48. Who's this little guy? Huh?
Is this your nephew?Copy !req
49. Hey, buddy,
you here to see Santa?Copy !req
50. Yeah. I hope you've been
a good boy this year.Copy !req
51. That little guy is my
niece Abby, you douche.Copy !req
52. Her hair's short because
of the chemotherapy.
Uh-oh.Copy !req
53. Do you know how much
talking it tookCopy !req
54. to get her out of the house
because of her no-hair?Copy !req
55. Oh, gosh, I-I didn't know.Copy !req
56. I'm so... I'm so sorry.Copy !req
57. Oh, you're sorry?
For-For what?Copy !req
58. That waiting in line is
such a catastrophe for youCopy !req
59. that you'd rather
destroy the confidenceCopy !req
60. of a five-year-old
cancer patient?Copy !req
61. Oh, come on.
I-I didn't know she was dying.Copy !req
62. Who said anything
about dying?Copy !req
63. Uncle Glenn,
am I dying?Copy !req
64. No, sweetheart,
you're not dying.Copy !req
65. 'Cause we're
gonna see Santa,Copy !req
66. and he's gonna bring
you a new brain.Copy !req
67. Get out of here, Brian.Copy !req
68. Just get out of here.Copy !req
69. Should have gone
into politics, Bri.Copy !req
70. Now we got to go to
the back of the line.Copy !req
71. What the hell! Why
isn't it moving?Copy !req
72. I don't know.
It's always the same thing.Copy !req
73. Some fat kid sitting
on Santa's lap taking all day.Copy !req
74. Yeah, yeah. And I want
a Charles in Charge lunch boxCopy !req
75. and I want a Magna Doodle
and a new Uno gameCopy !req
76. on a 'cause of
I lost the "Draw 2" card.Copy !req
77. And I want a pet animalCopy !req
78. that's half chinchilla
and half mink,Copy !req
79. 'cause it'd be really soft,Copy !req
80. and I could call it chink,
and that's okay.Copy !req
81. Geez, doesn't the
mall close soon?Copy !req
82. We've been here forever.Copy !req
83. Would you relax?
We're right here. I'm next.Copy !req
84. Hello, Santa.Copy !req
85. Now, um,
we've got a slight problem here,Copy !req
86. because I have been
rather naughty.Copy !req
87. But you're a business man,
I'm a business man.Copy !req
88. I'm sure we can work...
something... out.Copy !req
89. Wait. What are you doing?Copy !req
90. Santa? You can't leave now!Copy !req
91. Hey, wait-wait, buddy, buddy,Copy !req
92. we've been in line
for, like, two hours.Copy !req
93. Sorry. I'm done.Copy !req
94. You want your kid
to sit on my lap,Copy !req
95. meet me at the bar
at Applebee's.Copy !req
96. Aw, that sucks.Copy !req
97. Sorry, Stewie.Copy !req
98. That son of a bitch.Copy !req
99. He just turned
his back on me.Copy !req
100. The way reality turned
its back on Gary Busey.Copy !req
101. How am I doing today,
Gary Busey?Copy !req
102. You're doing great!Copy !req
103. Good! Then I'll keep it up!Copy !req
104. Hey, give me your keys.Copy !req
105. I need your car.Copy !req
106. What? You're not
taking my car.Copy !req
107. Very well, then.
You're driving me. Let's go.Copy !req
108. Dri-Driving you where?Copy !req
109. To the North Pole
to see Santa Claus.Copy !req
110. If that beslubbering,
onion-eyed maggot-pie thinksCopy !req
111. he can just blow me off
like that,Copy !req
112. he's got another think coming.Copy !req
113. Look, Stewie, I know
you're disappointedCopy !req
114. that you didn't
get to see Santa,Copy !req
115. but I-I'm not driving
you to the North Pole.Copy !req
116. Everyone,
Quagmire's niece is in the ICU.Copy !req
117. Now, I think we should go
down there to support him.Copy !req
118. Wh-What?
Yeah, apparently,Copy !req
119. something happened at the mall,Copy !req
120. and she took a turn
for the worse.Copy !req
121. They don't know how much time
she has left.Copy !req
122. Quagmire just called.Copy !req
123. He's really upset.Copy !req
124. It doesn't sound
like he wants us thereCopy !req
125. for some reason,
but-but we should go anyway.Copy !req
126. All right, let's go
to the North Pole.Copy !req
127. And so Brian and Stewie set off
on the road to the North Pole.Copy !req
128. Hey, you want
to hear a real live-action fartCopy !req
129. instead of one
of those fake cartoony ones?Copy !req
130. We're gonna need another pair
of pants...Copy !req
131. and another chair.Copy !req
132. Hey, Stewie, wake up.Copy !req
133. We're here. We're
at the North Pole.Copy !req
134. Oh, uh. What? What? What?Copy !req
135. Uh, North Pole?Copy !req
136. North Pole! North Pole!Copy !req
137. There it is!Copy !req
138. My word, I really
must have been asleep!Copy !req
139. Ah, look at this.Copy !req
140. The tip of the Earth, Brian.Copy !req
141. Okay, let's go see Santa Claus.Copy !req
142. All right, let's go.Copy !req
143. Well, this is rather
festive, isn't it?Copy !req
144. Small.Copy !req
145. Well, it has to be small
because of all the tiny elves.Copy !req
146. Ah, that's right.Copy !req
147. Good. Good point. Elves.Copy !req
148. Yo, yo, what's up, y'alls?Copy !req
149. Y'alls ready to kick it
in some fine North Pole gear?Copy !req
150. Brian, why does the North Pole
have black teenagers?Copy !req
151. Uh... 'cause...
from, uh, Katrina?Copy !req
152. Ah, of course. All right.Copy !req
153. Well, uh, I just have
one more question, then.Copy !req
154. Do you think I'm an idiot?
Huh? Do you?Copy !req
155. Look, Stewie, the North Pole
is a long and dangerous...Copy !req
156. You can't jerk me around when
it comes to Santa Claus, Brian!Copy !req
157. There is a Ferris wheel here,
and a guy hosing vomit!Copy !req
158. Nobody vomits
at the North Pole!Copy !req
159. Except for Santa's wife because
she has an eating disorder!Copy !req
160. What?
Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone
he wants, and she knows that!Copy !req
161. Stewie, just pull
yourself together.Copy !req
162. I won't, Brian!Copy !req
163. Now you get your ass back
into that hippie car of yoursCopy !req
164. and take me
to the North Pole now!Copy !req
165. Look, I know
you're upset,Copy !req
166. but why-why don't
you just sit down,Copy !req
167. write out your
Christmas list,Copy !req
168. and I promise I will
mail it to Santa Claus?Copy !req
169. Screw that.Copy !req
170. This was never about
Christmas presents, Brian.Copy !req
171. Well, then why do you
want to go all the way
to the North Pole?Copy !req
172. Because... I'm going
to kill Santa Claus!Copy !req
173. So it turned out Stewie was
determined to kill Santa Claus.Copy !req
174. Would he succeed?Copy !req
175. Well, let's find out.Copy !req
176. Wait a minute, why the hell
do you want to kill Santa?Copy !req
177. Because that fat bastard
blew me off at the mall,Copy !req
178. and he shall not
go unpunished.Copy !req
179. Now, let's go.
I've got it all
planned out.Copy !req
180. I'm gonna see
the workshop, pet
a few reindeer,Copy !req
181. take a few pictures
of me and Santa,Copy !req
182. and then I'm gonna
blow his brains out,Copy !req
183. hopefully with his
bitch wife watching.Copy !req
184. This is ridiculous—
we are not going
to the North Pole.Copy !req
185. Trust me, it's a waste of time—
you're not gonna find Santa.Copy !req
186. Why not?
Because there's
no such...Copy !req
187. Because when you get there,
you may find outCopy !req
188. it isn't what
you thought it was,Copy !req
189. and I wouldn't want you
to be disappointed.Copy !req
190. That's it? That's
your reason?Copy !req
191. Well, you know, you
know why nothing works
out for you, Brian?Copy !req
192. Because you've got
a negative attitude.Copy !req
193. Like Eeyore.Copy !req
194. Come on, Eeyore,
let's go play.Copy !req
195. I don't feel like it.Copy !req
196. Why are you always
in such a bad mood?Copy !req
197. I have a nail
in my anus.
Oh.Copy !req
198. That's not fair.
I don't think I haveCopy !req
199. a negative attitude.
I just...Copy !req
200. I-I don't think
it's a good idea for usCopy !req
201. to embark on a potentially
dangerous journey whe...Copy !req
202. Stewie?Copy !req
203. Say yes to life, Brian!Copy !req
204. I'll be home for Christmas.Copy !req
205. Son of a bitch!Copy !req
206. So, what are we
hauling, good buddy?Copy !req
207. Oh, I got a
flock of birdsCopy !req
208. that were too tired
to fly back north.Copy !req
209. Boy, this is the way
to do it, huh, Jerry?Copy !req
210. Sure is. Think
this makes us lazy?Copy !req
211. Nah, we're still
in the V-shape.Copy !req
212. What is this?
This is a weird gun.Copy !req
213. Yeah. Don't touch that.Copy !req
214. Oh, it's a flare gun.Copy !req
215. Maybe you should
put that back.Copy !req
216. I'm just holding it.
Is this the trigger?Copy !req
217. Oh, my God, Stewie,
you all right?Copy !req
218. What the hell
happened?Copy !req
219. Eh, just some stupid
stuff went down.Copy !req
220. You could have
been killed!Copy !req
221. I could have
been killed!Copy !req
222. Look at my car!Copy !req
223. Well, you know, if
you had just taken meCopy !req
224. to the real North Pole
to see Santa,Copy !req
225. none of this
would have happened!Copy !req
226. Wh-Wh-What is this?
What are you doing?Copy !req
227. Hitching a ride.Copy !req
228. I'm gonna keep heading
north until I find Santa.Copy !req
229. Stewie, you're not
gonna find him.Copy !req
230. You do what you
want, Brian,Copy !req
231. but I am going
to the North PoleCopy !req
232. and I'm gonna kill
that bastard!Copy !req
233. Stewie, you're putting me
in a hell of a position here,Copy !req
234. but I have no choice.Copy !req
235. You're not gonna
kill Santa Claus,Copy !req
236. because he doesn't exist.Copy !req
237. R-R-Really, Brian?Copy !req
238. He doesn't exist?Copy !req
239. That's right,
he's not real.Copy !req
240. Oh, interesting.
Interesting theory, Brian.Copy !req
241. Um, who else
isn't real, hmm?Copy !req
242. You gonna tell me
that Elmo isn't real?Copy !req
243. Huh? SpongeBob?
Is he not real, Brian?Copy !req
244. Is-is SpongeBob not there
at the bottom of the oceanCopy !req
245. giving Squidward
the business? Hmm?Copy !req
246. And what about
Curious George?Copy !req
247. Huh? Does he not
really exist? Hmm?Copy !req
248. Is Curious George
not really out thereCopy !req
249. making little boats
out of newspapersCopy !req
250. that he should be
delivering? Huh?Copy !req
251. Educate yourself,
you fool.Copy !req
252. Look, Stewie, if you'd
just listen for a sec...Copy !req
253. No, you listen, Brian!Copy !req
254. I'll tell you what, you
take me to the North Pole,Copy !req
255. and if Santa isn't there,
I'll do something for you.Copy !req
256. What?
When Lois does thatCopy !req
257. middle-of-the-night feedingCopy !req
258. where she doesn't even open
her eyes or really wake up,Copy !req
259. I'll let you take that
one for me, Brian.Copy !req
260. Are you serious?Copy !req
261. Quite.Copy !req
262. Okay, you got a deal.Copy !req
263. Damn it, it
won't turn over.Copy !req
264. Great! Not even halfway through
Canada, and we're stuck.Copy !req
265. Oh, hey there.Copy !req
266. You having some
car troubles, eh?Copy !req
267. Yeah, we're trying to get
to the North Pole.Copy !req
268. I don't suppose you're
from Triple A, are you?
Who?Copy !req
269. Triple A,
you know? AAA.Copy !req
270. Oh, AA, eh?
Yeah, I just
came from AA.Copy !req
271. No, not AA. AAA.Copy !req
272. Yeah, that's what
I said— AA, eh?Copy !req
273. Oh, so you are
with Triple A?Copy !req
274. Oh, no, that's AAA.
I just came from AA, eh?Copy !req
275. Huh?
Stewie, I think
he's just a drunk.Copy !req
276. Well, drunk or not,
can you help us?Copy !req
277. I can if you want
to join AA, eh?Copy !req
278. No, I'm already
a member of AAA.Copy !req
279. I need help
with the car.Copy !req
280. Oh, I see. Yeah, looks like
you got some water leakage.Copy !req
281. You might need
a hose, eh?Copy !req
282. Jose, Roberto, whatever—
if you've got some
Latinos up hereCopy !req
283. that can fix cars,
that'd be great.Copy !req
284. No, I mean, it looks
like you need a part, eh?Copy !req
285. Well, yeah,
when it's fixed,
we can celebrate,Copy !req
286. but let's deal with
first things first.Copy !req
287. Well, I can probably take
you to a gas station, eh?Copy !req
288. You have cash, eh?
I don't know, my name
carries a little weight,Copy !req
289. but I don't see how
that matters here.Copy !req
290. Look, we don't have enough cash
to fix the car,Copy !req
291. and we're kind of on our way
to the North Pole.Copy !req
292. Oh, a car won't take
you there, anyway.Copy !req
293. But if you like,
you can take my
snowmobile.Copy !req
294. Really? You'd just...
give it to us?Copy !req
295. Oh, sure, that's what Canadian
hospitality's all about.Copy !req
296. If you like, you can have
all my money and my leg.Copy !req
297. Okay.Copy !req
298. Why'd we take his leg?Copy !req
299. Well, we're in their
country, Brian—Copy !req
300. we have to observe
their customs.Copy !req
301. Oh! Oh, dear.Copy !req
302. Well, at least we're doneCopy !req
303. with the first leg
of our journey, Brian.Copy !req
304. Ha!
Damn right, ha.Copy !req
305. Brian, how long do you
think we've been driving?Copy !req
306. I don't know,
I've lost track.Copy !req
307. Besides, dogs don't have
a good sense of time.Copy !req
308. Could be three hours,
could be three years,Copy !req
309. I don't know.Copy !req
310. Well, we must be
pretty far north by now.Copy !req
311. Yeah, you're right. Look—
there's the aurora borealis.Copy !req
312. Yes, and there's
the aurora boreanaz.Copy !req
313. Hi there.Copy !req
314. Things are kind of
beautiful up north, huh?Copy !req
315. Oh, no!Copy !req
316. What's the matter?
We're out of gas.Copy !req
317. Out of gas? But, Brian,
it's freezing out here!
What are we gonna do?Copy !req
318. I don't know. We'd better
think of something.Copy !req
319. Maybe I
can help.Copy !req
320. There's an old, abandoned
hunting cabin about two
miles north of here.Copy !req
321. You could spend
the night thereCopy !req
322. and then resume your
journey in the morning.Copy !req
323. Thanks, David.Copy !req
324. Guess there are a few stars
in the sky tonight.Copy !req
325. Come on.Copy !req
326. Come on, now.Copy !req
327. Okay, we'll leave you alone.Copy !req
328. All right, this
should do for the night.Copy !req
329. Look, Stewie, now that
we have a moment,Copy !req
330. I-I think we should
really try to call Lois
and tell her where we are.Copy !req
331. Oh, don't worry—
I've got that covered.Copy !req
332. Hey, Lois, would you make
an appointment for meCopy !req
333. to be neutered
in two days?Copy !req
334. Well, a-are you
sure, Brian?
Yes, I'm sure.Copy !req
335. And whatever I say
in two days,Copy !req
336. do not let me convince you
that I've changed my mind.Copy !req
337. Wow, you sound
pretty serious
about this, Brian.Copy !req
338. Oh, I am. In fact,
I have this documentCopy !req
339. that legally
binds me to same.Copy !req
340. Have you had
it notarized?Copy !req
341. No. But a notary should
be here any minute.Copy !req
342. I received a call
about notarizing
a document,Copy !req
343. but I am spending
the day with my family,Copy !req
344. so they are
here, too.Copy !req
345. This is my wife, Janice,Copy !req
346. my daughters,
Lisa and Jane,Copy !req
347. and this is Rosalyn,
a friend of our
daughter Jane's.Copy !req
348. Her family life is rough,Copy !req
349. so we are kind of like
a second home.Copy !req
350. Robert!
Well, it's true.Copy !req
351. Well, thank you
for taking the timeCopy !req
352. to notarize this
important document.Copy !req
353. I'm sure you
are quite busy.Copy !req
354. Yes. We only have a moment,Copy !req
355. for we are taking a bus tour
of Providence and other places.Copy !req
356. The next morning,
Stewie and Brian set out on footCopy !req
357. for the North Pole.Copy !req
358. They were cold and tired,
but Stewie was determinedCopy !req
359. to carry out his plan
to kill Santa Claus.Copy !req
360. As long as I've got
all you people watching,Copy !req
361. does anyone want
to buy some pot?Copy !req
362. My God!Copy !req
363. We made it, Brian!Copy !req
364. The North Pole!Copy !req
365. See? Boom!
Right there!Copy !req
366. I told you!Copy !req
367. This is where
Santa Claus lives!Copy !req
368. In your face!Copy !req
369. I don't believe it.Copy !req
370. It's here.Copy !req
371. Damn right,
it's here!Copy !req
372. Now, while you think
about the factCopy !req
373. that you're never
going to enjoyCopy !req
374. a nocturnal breast-
feeding from Lois,Copy !req
375. I shall open the gate.Copy !req
376. This can't be it.Copy !req
377. This can't be
Santa's workshop.Copy !req
378. This looks like
Bridgeport, Connecticut.Copy !req
379. Oh, boy, get ready
for the letters.Copy !req
380. Dear Family Guy bastards,Copy !req
381. who the hell
do you think you are?Copy !req
382. I'll have you know
that BridgeportCopy !req
383. is among the world leaders
in abandoned buildings,Copy !req
384. shattered glass,
boarded-up windows,Copy !req
385. wild dogs and gas stations
without pumps.Copy !req
386. So eat my, Jew writers.Copy !req
387. Well, whatever sort
of trick this is,Copy !req
388. I will not be deterred.Copy !req
389. I'm not leaving until
Santa Claus is dead by my hand!Copy !req
390. Oh, my God!Copy !req
391. You're...
you're Santa Claus!Copy !req
392. Yeah. Who are you?Copy !req
393. I'm Stewie Griffin,
and I'm going to kill you!Copy !req
394. Ah... thank God!Copy !req
395. What?
Do it! Please!Copy !req
396. Put me out
of my misery!Copy !req
397. You... want me
to kill you?Copy !req
398. Come on! What are
you waiting for?Copy !req
399. Pull the trigger!Copy !req
400. Well, there isn't
a great deal of sport in that.Copy !req
401. Oh, my God,
ar-are you all right?Copy !req
402. I'm okay.Copy !req
403. I'm okay.Copy !req
404. I just need to
catch my breath.Copy !req
405. I-I don't understand.Copy !req
406. I thought you were supposed
to be jolly and happy.Copy !req
407. I used to be,
a long time ago.Copy !req
408. I made toys
for little boys and girls.Copy !req
409. I loved my work,
and they loved me.Copy !req
410. But it just got out of hand.Copy !req
411. The world's population
kept growing and growing.Copy !req
412. Kids wanted more toys,
fancier toys!Copy !req
413. We used to make
wooden choo-choosCopy !req
414. and rag dolls.Copy !req
415. You ever try to make an iPod?Copy !req
416. I've got orders
for millions of 'em!Copy !req
417. Oh, that reminds me—
I need a new version of Quicken.Copy !req
418. Look at the toxic
waste we're producing.Copy !req
419. In fact, I think the
toxins are takingCopy !req
420. even more of a toll
than the inbreeding.Copy !req
421. Inbreeding?
Take a look!Copy !req
422. I started with one family
of magic elves,Copy !req
423. and every year I needed
more and more to keep up.Copy !req
424. Now they're just a sickly race
of mutated genetic disasters.Copy !req
425. At least 60% of them
are born blind.Copy !req
426. The workload destroys them,Copy !req
427. but they don't know
anything else.Copy !req
428. It's gotten so their
instincts take over,
and near the end,Copy !req
429. they just walk out
into the snow and die.Copy !req
430. Then the reindeer eat them,Copy !req
431. which has turned the reindeer
into wild, feral creaturesCopy !req
432. with a blood-lust
for elf flesh.Copy !req
433. I don't even pray
for them anymore.Copy !req
434. Seems pointless.Copy !req
435. What god would allow this?Copy !req
436. This is in none
of the songs or poetry.Copy !req
437. It's a horror show up here!Copy !req
438. How could you
let this happen?Copy !req
439. Me? I didn't do this.Copy !req
440. Christmas did!Copy !req
441. So Brian and Stewie
found Santa Claus,Copy !req
442. but he sure wasn't
what they expected.Copy !req
443. It turned the increasing
demands of ChristmasCopy !req
444. had all but destroyed
the poor old man.Copy !req
445. Okay, look at this.Copy !req
446. Somebody gave me a little
remote control helicopter.Copy !req
447. Pretty cool, huh?Copy !req
448. Oh, it's broken.Copy !req
449. I don't know, boys,
he's in rough shape.Copy !req
450. Doctor, you've got to
do something for him.Copy !req
451. It's Christmas Eve.Copy !req
452. Christmas is the problem.Copy !req
453. He can't keep this pace up
anymore.Copy !req
454. If he goes out tonight,
he'll die.Copy !req
455. Well, then who's gonna
deliver all the presents?Copy !req
456. We will.Copy !req
457. What?
What?Copy !req
458. Stewie, look,
you were right.Copy !req
459. Santa is real.Copy !req
460. And he needs
our help.Copy !req
461. Don't worry, Santa.Copy !req
462. We'll make sure
there's a Christmas this year.Copy !req
463. Thank you, Brian.Copy !req
464. That brings me peace
in this hour.Copy !req
465. I'll be with
Allah soon.Copy !req
466. What?Copy !req
467. Uh, ye— he doesn't know what
he's saying, he's delirious.Copy !req
468. Look, you'd better
get moving.Copy !req
469. All right, Stewie,
let's go get the sleigh ready.Copy !req
470. Is anyone else
a little freaked out
by that Allah thing?Copy !req
471. Never mind that,
let's just get going.Copy !req
472. All right, Brian.
Let's do this.Copy !req
473. Go on.Copy !req
474. Giddy-up.Copy !req
475. Come on, you dumb deer.Copy !req
476. It's not working.Copy !req
477. I think they need
to be coaxed.Copy !req
478. Santa said they
eat elf flesh.Copy !req
479. Uh, oh, oh, excuse me?Copy !req
480. Uh, sir?Copy !req
481. Mr. Elf, sir?Copy !req
482. Hello? Young man?Copy !req
483. I— I don't think
he even knows where he is.Copy !req
484. Do-do you want
to just...Copy !req
485. Yeah, I mean, uh,
I'll just...Copy !req
486. try and do it, I guess.Copy !req
487. Hey.Copy !req
488. Hey, fella?Copy !req
489. Um... okay.Copy !req
490. Bye.Copy !req
491. Hey, Brian, look.Copy !req
492. That one reindeer
just kind of poopedCopy !req
493. in the other reindeer's face,
an-and...Copy !req
494. and the other reindeer
just kind of ate it.Copy !req
495. Isn't Christmas magical?Copy !req
496. All right,
according to this map,Copy !req
497. we're approaching the
northeast coast of the U.S.Copy !req
498. Get ready to land.Copy !req
499. All right, Bri, this
is it, our first town.Copy !req
500. I'm gonna head for that roof.Copy !req
501. Why are we tilting?Copy !req
502. Look, I've never landed one
of these things before, okay?Copy !req
503. You're coming in too fast!
Look out!Copy !req
504. All right, this is good.Copy !req
505. In and out of this house
and onto the next one.Copy !req
506. What about the reindeer?Copy !req
507. Yeah, we'll cut them down
afterwards.Copy !req
508. Now let's get down the chimney.Copy !req
509. Ow! You bitch!Copy !req
510. Okay, let's get the presents
under the tree.Copy !req
511. All right, you have 'em?Copy !req
512. I thought you had them.Copy !req
513. Oh, for the love of God,
they're still in the sleigh.Copy !req
514. Aw, crap. On the roof?Copy !req
515. No, it's...
it's in the yard.Copy !req
516. Oh, my God.Copy !req
517. Didn't you unlock
the door when we left?Copy !req
518. No, you were the
last one out!Copy !req
519. Well, how the hell
are we gonna get back inside?Copy !req
520. All right, find a rock.Copy !req
521. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?Copy !req
522. I'm putting out the presents.Copy !req
523. Not like that you're not.Copy !req
524. Tall in the back,
short in the front.Copy !req
525. And show some care,
for God's sake.Copy !req
526. You know, those-those
aren't socks and underwearCopy !req
527. donated by the fire departmentCopy !req
528. to some battered
women's shelter.Copy !req
529. Those are Santa gifts, Brian.Copy !req
530. You know, you-you have to...Copy !req
531. Wait. What-what are you doing?Copy !req
532. Did you just eat that
whole cookie off the mantel?Copy !req
533. What? They left it out
for Santa. We're Santa.Copy !req
534. Yeah, but you're not supposed
to eat all of it.Copy !req
535. You take a bite
and a sip of milk.Copy !req
536. That's how the kids know
Santa was here!Copy !req
537. Don't yell at me.
I'm not
yelling at you. I'm just...Copy !req
538. I'm telling you
how it's done.Copy !req
539. They-they need some kind of
indication that Santa was here.Copy !req
540. Oh, okay, how
about this? Look.Copy !req
541. Hey, now they know
he was here. See?
Stop it!Copy !req
542. Look, I'm here giving
out free presents!Copy !req
543. All right, I'll eat the
damn cookies if I want!Copy !req
544. You know what? I might
even make a sandwich!Copy !req
545. Wait. Where are you going?Copy !req
546. I'm going into the kitchen.Copy !req
547. I'm gonna make a sandwich,
get some chips or something.Copy !req
548. Brian, knock it off!Copy !req
549. Aw, man.Copy !req
550. You jackass!Copy !req
551. Hey, who the hell
are you?Copy !req
552. Uh... hello?Copy !req
553. What are you doing in my house?Copy !req
554. We're Santa
Claus... ses.Copy !req
555. Yeah, you're Santa Claus.Copy !req
556. That's why you broke in
through the window.Copy !req
557. I'm calling the cops.Copy !req
558. No, no, no.
I-I can explain.Copy !req
559. We-we came down the chimney,
but we-we forgot the presents.Copy !req
560. It's-it's actually...Copy !req
561. It's kind of a
funny story...Copy !req
562. What the hell did you do?Copy !req
563. He was gonna call
the cops, man!Copy !req
564. You can't call the cops
on Santa.Copy !req
565. Now help me move
this guy's body!Copy !req
566. Ugh! He's still alive.Copy !req
567. All right,
tie him up.Copy !req
568. I'm gonna make it
look like a burglary.Copy !req
569. All right, look,
let-let's just go.Copy !req
570. Right, right. We'll go.Copy !req
571. I'm gonna rewrap this bat
for, um, Johnny.Copy !req
572. Let me just clean his father's
blood and hair off it.Copy !req
573. Daddy, I want a drink of water.Copy !req
574. Hey, there.Copy !req
575. How you doing?Copy !req
576. Who are you?Copy !req
577. I'm Santa.Copy !req
578. You're Santa?Copy !req
579. Who are you?Copy !req
580. Where's Dan?Copy !req
581. Oh, my God!Copy !req
582. Oh, crap!Copy !req
583. Quick, Stewie!
Get the bat!Copy !req
584. Help! Help!Copy !req
585. Mommy!Copy !req
586. It's okay.
It's okay.Copy !req
587. Brian, see if you can
find some duct tape.Copy !req
588. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!Copy !req
589. Mama!Copy !req
590. All right, let's get
this place cleaned up.Copy !req
591. All right,
that's the last of the blood.Copy !req
592. Go check on the other kid.Copy !req
593. What other kid?Copy !req
594. Johnny, the one
who's getting the bat.Copy !req
595. Stewie, there's only
one bedroom up here.Copy !req
596. What?Copy !req
597. Do you have a brother?Copy !req
598. Well, then who the
hell is John...?Copy !req
599. Oh, my God, we're
in the wrong house.Copy !req
600. Damn it, we
tripped the alarm.Copy !req
601. Brian, the cops are
coming. Let's go!Copy !req
602. What? We're just
leaving like this?Copy !req
603. What about not wanting
to ruin Christmas?Copy !req
604. It's already ruined!Copy !req
605. This was one house.Copy !req
606. We've been here for an hour
and a half! An hour and...Copy !req
607. First of all,
we're not even Santa anymore.Copy !req
608. This has been a home invasion.Copy !req
609. But an hour and a half, Brian!Copy !req
610. It's gonna be light
in six hours,Copy !req
611. and we have to deliver
to the whole rest of the world!Copy !req
612. There's two apartment buildings
on this block alone!Copy !req
613. No wonder Santa
lost his mind.Copy !req
614. This is ridiculous!
We can't do this!Copy !req
615. Nobody can. It's inhuman!Copy !req
616. All right, come on,
let's get out of here!Copy !req
617. Aw, damn,
what about the reindeer?Copy !req
618. The hell with
the reindeer!Copy !req
619. Look, they're all eating
each other, anyway!Copy !req
620. Besides, we
don't need 'em.Copy !req
621. I made a few
modifications.Copy !req
622. Hang on.Copy !req
623. That was a disaster.Copy !req
624. I can't believe it.Copy !req
625. We were supposed
to save Christmas,Copy !req
626. and we completely blew it.Copy !req
627. We failed Santa.Copy !req
628. No. No, we didn't fail Santa.Copy !req
629. The world failed Santa.Copy !req
630. He gives and gives and gives,Copy !req
631. and everyone just takes him
for granted.Copy !req
632. Hell, I-I didn't even think
he existed until last night.Copy !req
633. Well, what are we
supposed to do now?Copy !req
634. Christmas is doomed.Copy !req
635. Maybe, but there is one thing
we can do.Copy !req
636. Move over.Copy !req
637. Lois!Copy !req
638. There's no presents
under the tree!Copy !req
639. What?Copy !req
640. Oh, my God.Copy !req
641. Joe, did you get
any Christmas presents?Copy !req
642. I got eight mediocre things.Copy !req
643. Good morning, Quahog.Copy !req
644. Our top story today—
Santa Claus skips Christmas.Copy !req
645. Hopeful citizens worldwide
woke upCopy !req
646. to disappointment this morningCopy !req
647. when they discovered no gifts
from SantaCopy !req
648. under their Christmas trees.Copy !req
649. Local officials are going
with the theoryCopy !req
650. that everyone was bad this year.Copy !req
651. The investigation continues
into this mysterious...Copy !req
652. Wait! I know what happened
to Christmas!Copy !req
653. Brian?Copy !req
654. Santa Claus!Copy !req
655. That's right!
It's Santa Claus.Copy !req
656. And you've got to
listen to me.Copy !req
657. The reason there was
no Christmas this yearCopy !req
658. is that this man is sick.Copy !req
659. Very sick.
And he needs our help.Copy !req
660. He's been bludgeoned by years
of greed and avarice.Copy !req
661. The workload
of filling our Christmas listsCopy !req
662. has overwhelmed him.Copy !req
663. And at the rate he's going,
he may not make it another year.Copy !req
664. But there's a way
for us to help him.Copy !req
665. If all of us everywhere
can just cut back our demandsCopy !req
666. and ask for only one
Christmas present every year,Copy !req
667. there may still be hope.Copy !req
668. I know it's in our nature
to resist sacrifice,Copy !req
669. even in hard times,
but if we don't,Copy !req
670. we may have to give up
Christmas all together.Copy !req
671. Well, folks, you heard it here
first on Channel Five News.Copy !req
672. Looks like we have a choice.Copy !req
673. One Christmas gift a year
for each one of us.Copy !req
674. Can we live with that?Copy !req
675. I can.Copy !req
676. So can I.Copy !req
677. Me, too.Copy !req
678. I can, too.Copy !req
679. I can live with that.Copy !req
680. Count me in.Copy !req
681. One is enough.Copy !req
682. Aye.Copy !req
683. I can.Copy !req
684. One gift is okay.Copy !req
685. I can live with it.Copy !req
686. Okay, just one.Copy !req
687. But if it's a gym membership,Copy !req
688. somebody's getting punched
in the face.Copy !req