Family Guy 9x6

1. Hi. Package for Brian Griffin.

2. Oh, I can sign for that.

3. Package, Bri.

4. Huh. Wonder what this is.

5. It's my book.

6. And there's a note from my publisher.

7. "We are returning all of the unsold copies

8. of Faster Than the Speed of Love."

9. You guys got a garage or something?

10. We got like 300 boxes of these things.

11. Wow, that's a lot of boxes!

12. Oh, this is so weird.

13. Look what they used to pack your book in.

14. Shredded-up pieces of your book.

15. Okay, that's it, I'm finished.

16. What are you talking about?

17. I'm-I'm finished. I'm done. It's over.

18. Clearly, I am not meant to be a writer.

19. I have tried and I have tried, and nothing has worked out.

20. I... put my heart out there, and it keeps getting stomped on.

21. Well, that's it, no more.

22. I-I-I'm done writing.

23. What? Writing's the only thing

24. that's giving your alcoholism any credibility.

25. Ooh, hey, you know, I just thought of something,

26. hold on a sec.

27. I bought a vase last week and it's still in the box,

28. and I just want to check to see what they used to pack it...

29. Ah, it's your book!

30. Oh, my God, this gets me so angry!

31. What? What is it?

32. Look at this.

33. The number-one book on The New York Times Bestseller list

34. is Dream Your Way to Spiritual Joy by Pauly Shore.

35. This is why nobody bought my damn book.

36. You know, this is what they want.

37. The Secret.

38. Chicken Soup for the Soul. The Purpose Driven Life.

39. I-I tell ya, I could crap one of those things out in a night.

40. I'm gonna tell Mom you said "crap."

41. No, I mean it. I could do it in three hours and idiots everywhere would buy it.

42. Well, why don't you? Believe me, I would love to, just to make a point,

43. but I... I've given up writing.

44. Yes, but you cared about what you wrote before.

45. You don't care about this, so what does it matter?

46. Well, you do have a point.

47. All right. Maybe I will.

48. Oh, how fun. Can I watch you write it?

49. I don't know, Stewie, I kind of like to write in solitude.

50. No, no, I promise, I'll be as quiet as a guy in a coma.

51. Ah, this is great.

52. I can finally be alone with my thoughts.

53. Wait, I've got it. Predator versus Batman.

54. Why has no one done this? I need a pen, where's a pen?

55. Oh, right, I can't move. That's okay, I'll remember it.

56. I mean, I can't forget a million-dollar idea like that.

57. It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who...

58. Wait, I mean the woman with the...

59. What was it? Was she a shapeshifter?

60. Damn it, I just had it. All right, calm down.

61. At least you've still got Batman and the...

62. It was Batman Meets...

63. Oh, you got to be kidding me, I just had it.

64. What was it, Batman Has a Son?

65. No, no, you (bleep) idiot. No wonder your wife shot you.

66. And... done.

67. There it is, Stewie.

68. Three hours, 27 minutes and I've got myself

69. one big steamin' pile of book.

70. You want to hear it? Oh, definitely.

71. What are you calling it?

72. Wish It, Want It, Do It.

73. Love it.

74. Thanks. Okay. "Chapter One: Wish it.

75. "What are all the things you want most in the world?

76. "Use the following blank pages

77. to write down all of your dreams and desires."

78. Ah. Brilliant. Make them do the work. Yeah, why not?

79. You know, i-i-if people want crap, I'll give 'em crap.

80. And, you know, I have a friend

81. who might be able to help get this published.

82. Wait, you have a friend in publishing

83. and you never told me before?

84. He's kind of a new friend. Who is he?

85. Yeah, I don't know if you want to start digging around in this area.

86. Let's just leave it at he's a friend in publishing

87. and he calls on Thursdays.

88. Um, hey, Brian, when you're done, can I make a pirate hat?

89. (sighs) Here, just take it.

90. I look awesome.

91. All right, I got to go to a wedding.

92. I'll see you later.

93. Oh, my God, that is fantastic news!

94. I can't wait to tell him!

95. I know, I told you the book was good.

96. Yeah, thank you so much, Don.

97. Um... red overalls, a yellow shirt underneath—

98. um, I-I-I don't really have time to do this right now.

99. Brian, they're publishing your book.

100. You're kidding. I-I can't believe it.

101. That's the worst thing I've ever written.

102. Not according to Penguin Publishing.

103. In fact, you're supposed to call the chief editor.

104. Penguin Publishing.

105. One moment, please.

106. Sir, I have a Brian Griffin on the line...

107. Out. Get out! Get out now!

108. All right, everyone, I made a very special breakfast

109. to celebrate Brian's book coming out.

110. And... and...

111. it's a special breakfast for me, too, right?

112. Why?

113. Because... because it is the anniversary

114. of when I started to eat vegetables.

115. Author! Author!

116. And Peter for eating healthy.

117. Oh, Lois, you didn't have to go through all this fuss.

118. What you got there?

119. Oh, this? It's just a copy of Us magazine.

120. Can you believe it?

121. Wish it, Want it, Do it got three stars.

122. How... How hilarious is that?

123. It's not hilarious; its great, Brian.

124. That's a huge accomplishment.

125. Well, I helped get the review in.

126. I called a friend over at Us Weekly

127. who usually just covers people with gross amounts of children,

128. but now he's the book reviewer.

129. So hats off to both of us.

130. Well, n-nice going, Stewie. You ought to be my publicist.

131. You know, I-I don't want you to be offering me this

132. just because we're related.

133. I do have references you can call.

134. You know, I-I spent a month

135. as Melanie Griffith's loose skin holder.

136. Melanie! Melanie! Over here.

137. You look beautiful.

138. Can't... hold... on... much... longer... Whoa.

139. (Г la Droopy Dog): I should have stayed in bed.

140. Yeah, we're walking in now.

141. Make sure Tom Tucker knows he has 20 minutes

142. and he is to only talk about the book— no personal questions, all right?

143. Are you okay? You good? You... You need anything? All right.

144. All right, we're inside and there is nobody here to greet us.

145. We have no idea where we are or where we're supposed to go.

146. Oh wait, is that you on the phone over there?

147. Is this—? This is us. Look over here.

148. There we go. He sees us. All right.

149. Hi, thanks for coming.

150. Yeah, hello, we've been here a while.

151. Come on, I'll show you the green room.

152. And Mr. Griffin, I just have to say, I loved your book.

153. Oh, well, thanks.

154. What's your name? Sharhooz.

155. Oh, my God.

156. It'll just be a few minutes.

157. Oh, uh, excuse me, there's something on the wall.

158. Now you have exactly 20 seconds to find us a room

159. with a white sofa, a white table, white hydrangeas

160. and Fiji water!

161. Geez, Stewie, there's no need to—

162. Ooh, I said no gray M & M's. These are all gray.

163. Don't worry, Brian. I've got it all under control.

164. You're a big canine star.

165. They should be treating you like Spuds MacKenzie.

166. Man, I wonder what he's doing now.

167. Now, ladies, approach him slowly.

168. He can't really see anymore.

169. I've injected him with the Viagra.

170. Now, I'm gonna roll him on his back,

171. but you're pretty much gonna have to do 100% of the work.

172. We're here with Brian Griffin, local author

173. of the new bestseller Wish it, Want it, Do it.

174. Am I pronouncing that correctly?

175. Uh, yeah.

176. N-Now, what does that mean— Wish It, Want It, Do It?

177. Uh, well, it... it basically just refers to the steps necessary

178. for identifying and achieving your dreams and doing so

179. in as effective and expeditious a manner as possible.

180. Wow. And it's nonfiction, right?

181. Y... uh... yes, it is.

182. Now, w-which one is that? I always forget.

183. Is that the one that really happened or not?

184. Uh... yeah. Okay, oh, so this...

185. so now... so this is... this is a true story.

186. Well, it's not really a narrative—

187. Doesn't matter. I'm hooked.

188. And we'll be right back with sports.

189. Okay, you're doing great so far.

190. Now I was just texting with New York.

191. We're doing a whole thing there.

192. I booked your plane ticket, and I specifically asked

193. that you not sit next to an Asian.

194. Stewie, that's racist. That's terrible.

195. I'm sorry, do you want me to call back and change it?

196. Well, it's done now. Seems like a lot of extra work.

197. Okay, there's a book signing

198. at the Barnes and Noble on Union Square at 5:00.

199. And then at 7:00 you're meeting with a reporter

200. from In Style magazine at Pastis.

201. I just wanna warn you, she's very heavy.

202. So be prepared for that.

203. Geez, how heavy? I don't know, but apparently heavy enough

204. that they felt they needed to warn me.

205. Oh, look at this, your book is number three on Amazon.

206. Number three?

207. Well, who's number one?

208. Oh, it's that new biography on Michael Jackson.

209. Oh, come on, another one?

210. Unless it was written

211. by a ten-year-old's bottom, who cares?

212. I... it doesn't say who the author is, Brian,

213. but I... I would guess that it's probably not that.

214. Well, Stewie, I can't tell you

215. how much I appreciate all you're doing.

216. I mean, I-I have been so happy with most everything.

217. Oh... y... Most?

218. Oh, yeah... Oh, don't even, it's so tiny, those other things,

219. it's not even worth... Oh, my God, you're amazing.

220. I've been so thrilled with how you're doing.

221. Oh, great.

222. Hi, can I help you?

223. Yeah, uh... Checking in. Brian Griffin.

224. You... You should usually do that.

225. That... You should check me in.

226. That's like one of the things I was talking about.

227. I just have to tell you, I loved your book, Mr. Griffin.

228. Oh, thank you so much. You made my day.

229. So, you still in school?

230. Graduating this year.

231. Well, we'll have to celebrate while I'm here.

232. (giggles) Okay, well, I'll be right back with your key.

233. She's so pretty, isn't she?

234. Yeah... you know.

235. Do you think she liked me?

236. I don't know.

237. How... How weird would it be

238. if she just showed up at my room later?

239. I... Pretty weird, I guess.

240. Oh, my God, were you... were you thinking of doing that?

241. Sending her to my room?

242. No... why?

243. Why? Were you thinking of me doing that?

244. I don't even know what you're saying anymore, man.

245. Just... do... do whatever you're thinking.

246. Oh, man, crazy.

247. Hi, um, I just want to say that I can't tell you

248. how much your book has helped me.

249. Uh-huh. What's your name?

250. It's Jan.

251. Okay, here you go, Dan.

252. Y-Yeah, it's Jan.

253. Back of the line. Go on.

254. Come back around, he'll try it again.

255. Hi. Can you make it out to Kelly?

256. Well, hi there. I sure can.

257. You know, I have to tell you,

258. Wish It, Want It, Do It totally changed my life.

259. Well, you know, that's what I set out to do with this book,

260. so, you know, I gotta tell you, that makes me feel pretty great.

261. This is just a phone number.

262. I know, I know, my phone number.

263. Oh. Yeah.

264. What do you think of that?

265. Um, I'm not sure.

266. Well, you know, I'm sure for you.

267. Oh.

268. Yeah.

269. I see.

270. Yeah.

271. I'm a little creeped out.

272. Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you.

273. Okay, so, that's enough autographs, I think.

274. Listen, I want to thank you all for coming down.

275. And remember, Wish It, Want It, Buy It. All right.

276. Brian, settle down.

277. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing.

278. You want to get a book published, don't you?

279. Well... yes.

280. Well, if you want to be in black and white,

281. black and white's gotta be in you.

282. God, you know, Stewie, I-I used

283. to think that John Lennon was kind of a jerk

284. for saying The Beatles were bigger than Jesus,

285. but now, I mean, it's like,

286. I'm not saying I am, but I get it.

287. You know, now that we have two minutes

288. to kinda let the dust settle,

289. I just wanna say that I'm really proud of you.

290. Hey, I'm proud of myself, man.

291. I mean, I think it's like... you know,

292. I-I think everybody has greatness in them,

293. but it's-it's really about having the courage

294. to just kinda get inside your own head

295. and just kinda poke around in there and, you know, be, like,

296. "Hey, oh, my gosh, what's under here?

297. "Hey, what do you call yourself?

298. "Oh, Wisdom.

299. "Oh, Profundity.

300. "Oh, Truth.

301. "Hey, let's, let's all just go hang out together

302. between the covers of a book."

303. I love hearing about your process.

304. Hey, enough about me. This was a great meal.

305. Oh, good, good, I'm glad you like it.

306. They told me everybody comes here.

307. Hey, there's Renee Zellweger.

308. Hey, Renee, how you doin'?

309. Oh, hi, Brian!

310. She seemed really nice.

311. Get over here!

312. Is, is everything okay?

313. No, everything is not okay.

314. Can you figure out what the problem is?

315. I-I don't... I-I honestly have no...

316. Oh, God!

317. How do you think I feel walking out of the back room

318. of a restaurant and seeing Renee Zellweger eating

319. in the front room of that restaurant?

320. I am mortified.

321. Absolutely mortified!

322. You should know better than this!

323. I-I told them who you were when I made the reservation!

324. Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon!

325. I should be sitting in the front damn room!

326. Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you.

327. And I just want you to know that my only goal is

328. to be able to help you better.

329. And you being honest with me,

330. well, that's helping me do that.

331. So thank you.

332. Good.

333. Oh, Brian, are you going straight back to the hotel?

334. 'Cause I was gonna go back...

335. You know what, I'll just... I'll take a cab.

336. Oh.

337. Well, at least it's not raining.

338. Hey, Brian, welcome home!

339. How was your book signing?

340. Geez, Lois, could I have,

341. like, five minutes to decompress, please?

342. It was a really horrible flight,

343. and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold.

344. Dear God, he's become a monster! (kitchen cabinets banging)

345. Stewie, I got a flea thing goin' on in here!

346. Where the hell's my Frontline?

347. Oh, my God! Brian! Brian!

348. Brian, look at this!

349. I got you on Real Time with Bill Maher!

350. You're kidding? That's awesome, Stewie!

351. Great job!

352. Oh, "great job," so you know that phrase.

353. What's that? What?

354. What phrase do I know?

355. Bill Maher, whoo!

356. Okay, so the topic is going to be,

357. "Should God play a role in politics?"

358. Oh, and here's your heartworm pill wrapped in bologna.

359. Stewie, the point of the bologna is

360. that I don't know the pill is there.

361. Why am I standing under an air vent?

362. Um... because...

363. because that's where...

364. Because that's where...

365. I... I...

366. Because... Because...

367. Well... Well...

368. I can... I can...

369. Uh... Uh..

370. You... Yeah...

371. Uh... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh.

372. Okay, Mr. Griffin, we'll be ready in five minutes.

373. You'll be on the panel with Arianna Huffington and Dana Gould.

374. Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

375. My-my publicist told me Christopher Hitchens

376. would be on the panel.

377. No, we told him Dana and Arianna two hours ago.

378. I did my prep research on Christopher Hitchens.

379. I am so... sorry.

380. I am done with you.

381. Do you hear me? Done!

382. Get out of here now!

383. Brian, please.

384. You're fired!

385. Yes, but I think the more important question

386. that sometimes gets ignored is

387. what about the separation of church and state?

388. Well, Bill, see, I think...

389. Uh-uh-uh, actually, Dana, if I may, if I may,

390. I have some insight on this. Bill, do you mind?

391. Go, dog.

392. Well, it just so happens

393. that separation of church and state is something

394. I'm actually gonna cover in my next book,

395. God. Period. Dammit.

396. What does that mean?

397. Uh, well, if I can expand on this.

398. Um, for one thing, "In God we trust" is on money.

399. Now, what does that tell ya?

400. Tells me Americans will get all Christ-y

401. about any sort of stupid (bleep).

402. So what?

403. I think what's actually alarming is the fact

404. that all this kind of pseudo spirituality is

405. being peddled to the American people in books that have,

406. really, less substance than an issue of TV Guide.

407. That's a good argument. It's a very good argument.

408. I agree. I agree.

409. Really? Because I read Wish It, Want It, Do It.

410. Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed!

411. Uh, gosh, next thing you know,

412. both of you guys are gonna tell me

413. that it changed your lives.

414. Uh, yeah, I, I didn't read it.

415. Oh, hey, oh, so you're the guy. (chuckles)

416. It's-It's actually... it's actually very popular.

417. Well, it may be popular,

418. but I, I have to say I agree with Arianna.

419. Uh, I think it's actually quite harmful.

420. Oh. Did you...? When, when did you say that?

421. I just did.

422. Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, maybe, maybe 'cause it sounds

423. like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup,

424. I just didn't get it.

425. Hey, (bleep) you, man.

426. Actually, it, it, I mean, it seems

427. that these sorts of books tend to pander to the laziest kind

428. of self-help within the narrowest socioeconomic range.

429. I mean, yeah, you can wish it, and you can do it,

430. but only if you have the educational advantages,

431. the societal advantages that, like, what,

432. five percent of the country has.

433. Well, yeah, you forgot "want it," which is such a big part

434. of the book. I mean, but, but you know, then again,

435. you just said you haven't read it, so, you know...

436. Actually, since I said that, I did read it.

437. And that's another thing, I have to say

438. aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing?

439. (audience laughs) I mean, your book...

440. basically makes three points,

441. and two of them are the same point.

442. Well, you know, I mean, it does seem to be helping

443. a lot of people, Bill...

444. Well, "help" is a strong word.

445. Um, how does this help people, like, with cancer or in Darfur?

446. Well, I mean, it's not really for them.

447. It's for, like, if you want a car.

448. How-how does this help you get a car?

449. Well, I mean, it doesn't with that attitude.

450. I mean, you have... (audience laughs)

451. You have to do some of the work yourself.

452. That's why there are 50 blank pages.

453. That's why I keep it by the phone.

454. I think what this is is simple exploitation

455. of the American people who could be using the money

456. that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful

457. like legitimate healthcare that they actually need.

458. You know, what-what the hell's your problem, Zsa Zsa?

459. What is your problem, Snoopy?

460. Look, what it comes down to is that these false promises of, like, a quick fix

461. to any and every problem that you would ever have,

462. what books like these suggest is actually damaging

463. to a large, gullible segment of the population.

464. Oh, yeah, aren't you a sitcom writer?

465. I'm an author. I have contributed to the zeitgeist.

466. Do you even know what "zeitgeist" means?

467. If I didn't know what it meant, I wouldn't use it, Dana—

468. which... which is a girl's name— and I'm...

469. (audience laughs) And you know,

470. I-I'm not gonna give you, I'm not gonna give you

471. the definition right now just for your satisfaction.

472. You know, Brian, I don't think you're in a position, really,

473. here to pull rank on anybody.

474. I mean, yes, Dana has made a career in comedy.

475. I don't think he's ever done anything

476. as laughable as this book.

477. Look, all right, well...

478. What do you want? I wrote it in a day.

479. (audience groans) Listen, Bill, I am

480. such a big fan of yours.

481. I think you're totally getting the wrong impression of me.

482. I-I was just trying to write something that would sell.

483. I-I think it's crap, too.

484. Wow. If I had even one shred

485. of respect for you before this, it's gone now.

486. I mean, if you're gonna dump on people,

487. the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump

488. that your kind traffics in...

489. at least stand by your dump.

490. O-okay, look, I'm happy to do that.

491. I-I-I'm just, I'm just try...

492. Look, what I was saying...

493. Look, just tell me what you want me to say!

494. Bill, he's urinating!

495. That's it!

496. Look, Bill, can I...? Outside.

497. No, no, no, outside! Outside now!

498. (barking) Outside!

499. You get outside!

500. Uh, knock-knock.

501. Hey, Stewie.

502. What do you want?

503. I just wanna talk to you about everything that happened.

504. Um, you know, you were the only person

505. who believed in me when I was down.

506. This all happened so fast, and I lost sight of who I was.

507. I mean, you know, sure,

508. you were in a little over your head, but...

509. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

510. I was in over my head?

511. Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't about all the things you did wrong.

512. It's about me apologizing.

513. Okay, then apologize.

514. I just did. No, you didn't.

515. You just said it's about me apologizing.

516. That's not actually apologizing.

517. All right, Stewie, I'm sorry

518. that I made you uncomfortable and put you in a situation

519. that you clearly couldn't handle.

520. Okay, okay, there it is again.

521. What the hell? Stop with that!

522. Y-you're right. You're right.

523. This is, this is about healing.

524. This, this is not about how many things

525. you messed up along the way.

526. It's about how badly I reacted to them.

527. So, I'm sorry about how badly I reacted

528. to your many errors.

529. That's as good as it's gonna get, isn't it?

530. Pretty much. You can't write.