1. What's wrong with the TV?
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2. Nothing, Chris.
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3. All the shows are
in wide-screen now.
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4. So you can see all
the stuff on the sides
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5. that you
couldn't before.
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6. We now return
to The Brady Bunch.
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7. See, look.
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8. Here's what you used to see.
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9. Good night, Mike.
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10. Good night, Carol.
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11. And here's the stuff you missed.
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12. Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
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13. Diane can't be with us today.
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14. Where is Diane, Ollie?
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15. She dead!
Thanks, Ollie.
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16. Yes, Diane is no longer with us.
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17. She was shot by
an unknown assailant,
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18. after she herself committed
a series of gruesome murders.
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19. I'd like to welcome
our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney.
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20. Welcome, Joyce.
Thanks, Tom.
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21. Wow, you sound crazy nervous.
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22. In local news,
there was a hit-and-run
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23. by a drunk driver today
at Quahog Park.
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24. Two children are missing.
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25. I was just there.
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26. Oh, boy.
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27. Don't let Brian see this.
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28. It says here that Rush Limbaugh
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29. will be signing books
at the Quahog Mall.
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30. I have very good hearing!
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31. He's awful.
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32. But I thought
Rush Limbaugh is
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33. a fictional character
played by Fred Savage.
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34. Where'd you
hear that?
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35. Fox News.
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36. Then it's a lie.
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37. Everything Fox News
says is a lie.
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38. But this one's true, Mom.
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39. You saw it with your own eyes
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40. and then you reported it
on Fox News.
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41. Even true things, once said
on Fox News, become lies.
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42. Why's Limbaugh
coming here?
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43. Don't they have bookstores
at the Nazi fascist...
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44. fascist fat camp
where he, where he go—
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45. where he, where he is
a counselor?
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46. I tell you what, Brian,
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47. if you want, we'll give you
another crack at that.
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48. This guy single-handedly
set political discourse back
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49. a hundred years.
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50. You know what? I'm
gonna go down there
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51. and give that bastard
Limbaugh a piece of my mind.
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52. But first I'm gonna sit here and
stare at this brown paper bag
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53. I'm pretty sure has food in it.
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54. No!
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55. Ah, oh, well.
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56. Look at him.
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57. His side screwed up our country
for a generation.
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58. I hate everything
about that man.
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59. I'm gonna go
tear him a new one.
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60. I'm gonna go find some
hardcover photography books
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61. of tasteful nudes.
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62. Oh, my God, yes,
that is tasteful!
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63. Hey, my friend,
who should I make this out to?
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64. Listen, Limbaugh, my
name is Brian Griffin,
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65. and I have got
something to say to you.
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66. Our republic has
been bastardized
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67. and royally screwed up
thanks to you jackasses.
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68. You suck!
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69. And you're terrible.
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70. And... and-and
you've div—
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71. you've been divorced
several times.
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72. Yes, uh, valid points
you're raising, my friend,
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73. and I respect you
for raising them.
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74. But may I ask you a question?
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75. Okay.
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76. Have you ever read
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77. anything I've written?
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78. Well, no, I haven't.
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79. But I've read things
other people have written
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80. about the things you've written,
and I do not approve
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81. of the things
I've read from others
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82. about the things
they've read from you.
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83. Not one bit, sir.
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84. For crying out loud, Brian,
read my book.
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85. Judge for yourself.
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86. I'd sooner spend a night
watching European porn.
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87. Provo! Provo!
Ah-shnork! Ah-shnork!
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88. Provo!
Ah-shnork!
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89. (loudly):
Provo! Provo!
(loudly):
Ah-shnork! Ah-shnork!
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90. Kaloooooof!
A'gerta!
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91. Stupid right-wing dick.
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92. Yeah, you—
Hey, y-you want to sign my book?
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93. Yeah, you can sign my ass book.
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94. Is what would've been
awesome to say.
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95. Oh, no. It's a multiracial
TV gang, including white guys.
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96. Well, well,
what do we got here?
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97. Let's beat him up,
but not because of his color,
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98. 'cause that doesn't
matter to us.
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99. Wow.
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100. Thanks, Rush.
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101. Ah, it was nothing.
I mean, you'd have
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102. done the same
thing for me.
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103. Uh, yeah, of course.
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104. Hey, you-you
dropped something.
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105. You think you might
give it a read now?
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106. Uh, well...
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107. What-What if I stick a piece
of bologna in the book,
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108. and I don't tell you which page?
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109. Would you read it, then, Brian?
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110. Would you read it to find
the page with the bologna?
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111. Okay, look, I'll read
four pages of your book tonight.
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112. All right?
Four pages.
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113. That's it.
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114. And maybe more
if tonight's episode
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115. of The Office
ends up sucking.
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116. Four pages. Done.
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117. Moving on.
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118. I know my staplers
by sound and by weight.
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119. And that stapler, good sir,
is a "Schrute."
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120. Ha! Look at John Krasinski
look at the camera.
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121. He can't believe
this guy!
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122. Aw, but there were gonna be
more high-jinks in Scranton.
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123. (giggles):
Scranton.
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124. Dunder Mifflin.
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125. Funny words
are funny.
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126. Oh, my God.
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127. Rush Limbaugh
was right all along.
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128. Conservative Republicanism
is the answer.
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129. Good. Good for Brian.
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130. Brian, look at this.
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131. Now, this is a
tasteful nude.
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132. It's called "A Saucy Outing
In Tottenham Court Square."
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133. Brian, are you reading the
new Rush Limbaugh book?
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134. Yeah, I picked it up
at the mall yesterday.
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135. I-I can't believe
I'm saying this,
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136. but this might be
the best book I've ever read.
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137. Brian, you got
to be joking.
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138. No, I mean it, Lois.
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139. You know, I've never actually
read any of Limbaugh's stuff,
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140. but this book
makes an excellent case for
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141. personal accountability,
fiscal responsibility
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142. and steak eatership.
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143. But you're a
hard-core liberal.
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144. Rush Limbaugh is a
right-wing extremist.
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145. He stands for
everything you despise.
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146. My loyalty is to reason, Lois.
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147. And as a reasonable person,
I reserve the right
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148. to change my mind
when presented with
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149. new information
that alters my perspective.
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150. And I got to tell you,
I had this guy all wrong.
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151. I mean, some of the stuff
in here is— hey, bologna!
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152. Thank you, friends.
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153. It's always a pleasure
to meet regular, real Americans.
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154. Love the
Hummer, Rush.
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155. How do you like it?
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156. It is the best.
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157. I'm not saying you'd have to be
gay to drive something else.
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158. But if you drive
something else,
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159. you're probably a guy who likes
to pleasure other men sexually.
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160. Hey, it's my new
friend, Brian!
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161. Hi, Rush.
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162. Listen, I-I have to tell you,
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163. I read your book
and it was very persuasive.
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164. I knew you'd like it,
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165. and I'm glad you enjoyed
it, Brian, I really am.
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166. Oh, I-I more than enjoyed it.
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167. Ev-Every page
just spoke to me.
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168. And-And, you know,
talking to you now, I just,
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169. I-I want to find
the right words
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170. to describe how much
I agree with you.
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171. I got the
words, Brian.
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172. "Thank you, Rush,
for doing my thinking for me,
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173. "'cause I lack
the ability to think
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174. critically and independently."
Yes, that!
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175. You should be proud
of yourself, Brian.
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176. I mean, you sound like
a thoughtful American.
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177. Well, listen, I'd really love
to pick your brain some more
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178. and hear some of
your other thoughts
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179. about what's going on
in this country.
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180. I can do even better
than that, Brian.
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181. Wow.
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182. Never thought
I'd set foot
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183. inside Republican
National Headquarters.
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184. This is amazing.
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185. And it gets better, Brian.
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186. Come on, I'm gonna introduce you
to some of my pals here.
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187. Brian, meet George W. Bush.
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188. Hey, Georgie!
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189. Uncle Rush!
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190. (chuckles):
Hey! Whoo!
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191. You are getting heavy.
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192. I know.
I'm 64 and three-quarters.
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193. You sure are, slugger.
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194. Hey, you got one for me?
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195. What? What are you
talking about?
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196. Oh, come on, Uncle Rush.
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197. I-I don't know what
you're talking about, really.
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198. Come on!
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199. Oh. Wait a second.
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200. Yay! Yippee!
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201. Thanks, Uncle Rush!
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202. Don't tell my dad.
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203. Hey, there, Rush.
How you doing?
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204. Hey, John.
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205. Hey, I'd like you to meet
my friend, Brian.
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206. Brian, John McCain.
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207. Gosh, it sure is
a pleasure, Mr. McCain.
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208. How do you two know each other?
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209. Oh, Rush and I used to
solve mysteries together
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210. back in the day.
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211. I don't understand, John.
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212. The groundskeeper said he saw
the mummy burning the flag.
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213. But mummies don't
hate America.
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214. They sure
don't, Rush.
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215. But Democrats do.
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216. Ruh-roh.
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217. Remocrats.
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218. Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog.
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219. But I think it's time we unravel
the mummy and the mystery.
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220. I don't get
it, John.
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221. How's a pig gonna help
us lure the mummy?
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222. Rush, I've never known
a Democrat to pass up pork.
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223. Gotcha!
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224. Now let's find out
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225. who you really are.
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226. It's old man Barney Frank!
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227. And I would have
gotten away with it, too,
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228. if it weren't for you
meddling Republicans.
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229. Thanks for all your help,
Globetrotters.
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230. That was a cold swish.
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231. Put her there.
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232. Aw, no, no, no, no.
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233. Look, Brian, all I'm saying is,
it's not normal for people
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234. to change their political views
so radically overnight.
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235. Lois, no offense,
but you don't exactly know
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236. what you're talking about.
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237. I mean, you're-you're not
exactly a fountain
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238. of political knowledge yourself.
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239. (sighs) You want to know
what I think is happening here?
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240. Oh, this should be
rich and overtaxed.
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241. I think you just got to be
in the "out" group.
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242. Whoever's on top, whoever's
in power, whoever's successful,
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243. you got to be
on the other side
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244. or you don't feel like
the smartest guy in the room.
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245. All you are, my dear,
is a contrarian.
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246. Oh, please, you could
not be more off base.
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247. Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did
you think of the movie Titanic?
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248. Horrible. One of the
worst movies ever made.
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249. Mm-hmm. How about
Slumdog Millionaire?
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250. Overrated. Just
a terrible movie.
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251. Cocktail.
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252. Actually, not
a bad film.
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253. You know, as classically
structured cinema,
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254. Cocktail was one of the
best films of its era.
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255. You make me sick, Brian.
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256. Look, Lois, if I were you,
I'd stow that attitude,
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257. because Rush Limbaugh is
coming over for dinner tonight.
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258. Lois, this dinner
looks delicious.
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259. Oh, well, thank you.
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260. Dig in, everyone.
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261. Whoa, hang on, hang on.
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262. I think you're forgetting
the grace, Lois.
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263. Dear God who definitely
exists, we, your people,
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264. who have been on this
planet for 6,000 years
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265. and not a second more, wish
to thank you for this bounty,
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266. and for keeping Congress
predominantly white
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267. through Christ
our Lord, amen.
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268. So, Rush, I see you
made it here okay,
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269. driving on roads built with
public funds, by the government.
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270. Yeah, what about
that, Rush?
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271. I guess the government's
pretty good, like Lois says.
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272. Actually, I took
the toll roads.
Privately built.
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273. Way smoother than the
crumbling public road system.
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274. Yeah, Lois. Government sucks
at doing stuff.
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275. Oh, no, toll roads
sound great.
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276. Too bad only the very rich
can afford to use them.
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277. I agree with Lois.
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278. Well, maybe more
people could
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279. if the government wasn't taxing
the bajeezus out of them.
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280. Now I agree with Rush.
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281. I'm too a'stupid
to make up my own mind.
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282. Yeah, okay. Whatever
you say, Rush.
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283. So... nice
weather today.
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284. Yeah,
unseasonably cool.
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285. I guess we can forget
that whole global
warming myth.
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286. Global warming is not a myth,
you son of a bitch!
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287. Look, what the hell
are you so hostile for?
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288. Because you brainwashed
our dog.
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289. Hey, listen,
sister, I just...
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290. I'm sorry.
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291. Look, all I did was expose Brian
to a different way of thinking.
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292. He embraced... Oh, God,
I'm gonna move over here.
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293. He embraced it
on his own, Lois.
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294. Well, after Rush
opened my eyes,
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295. I am seeing the world
in a whole new way now.
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296. To quote a famous troublemaker,
"I have a dream..."
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297. Nice place, huh, Rush?
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298. It's a paradise, Brian.
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299. No Muslims?
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300. Nah, too many
tall buildings.
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301. Who else lives here?
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302. Oh, big names, Lois.
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303. His, uh... his daughter's
pretty hot, though.
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304. At one time, Brian.
At one time.
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305. Oy.
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306. Well, I got to tell you, I'm
not buying any of this crap.
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307. Rush, we want our dog back.
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308. Whoa, hang on, Lois.
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309. What are you saying?
I don't have a mind of my own?
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310. That's insulting.
And-and you know what?
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311. I don't, I don't
like the way
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312. you've been talking
to Rush this evening.
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313. You know, I-I thought
you were my friends.
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314. But if you can't accept me
now that we disagree
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315. about certain things, then
maybe you aren't the friends
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316. I thought you were.
I'm moving out.
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317. What?
No!
Again?
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318. I'm gonna go stay
with Rush Limbaugh.
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319. Right, Rush?
Huh?
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320. I'm gonna
stay with you.
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321. Uh... yeah, yeah, sure.
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322. That-That's fine.
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323. Oh, this is a bad idea.
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324. But I guess sometimes
Fox has bad ideas, huh?
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325. Let's all just sit here
for a moment
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326. and remember that
this was a thing.
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327. Morning, Rush.
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328. Hey, thanks again
for letting me stay here.
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329. Oh, it's not really
any trouble, Brian.
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330. What do you figure,
just a few days?
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331. Aw, man, who knows?
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332. It's just so good
to be out of there.
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333. Hey, you know, I've been
reading all your books
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334. and I so 100% agree with you.
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335. I mean, what is going
on with this country?
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336. I mean, wake up, America.
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337. I mean, these taxes, right?
I mean, am I right?
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338. About the taxes?
You know?
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339. Yeah, taxes are pretty high.
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340. Is-is-is that
a new coffee machine?
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341. Oh, yeah, I took the liberty
of replacing your old one
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342. with a new,
American-made
coffee machine.
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343. In fact, I got
you a bunch
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344. of new, topnotch,
American-made stuff.
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345. What else did you buy?
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346. Oh, a couple things:
that light fixture...
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347. new heat regulator
on your stove...
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348. your man-bra...
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349. your garbage disposal...
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350. your dishwasher...
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351. and your new cat.
Copy !req
352. (cow bellowing):
Moo.
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353. And you're listening to
the Rush Limbaugh Show.
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354. I want to take a moment
to give a shout-out
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355. to my good friend Ken Lay,
faked his own death,
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356. listening in on
a ham radio somewhere
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357. in international waters.
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358. Smooth sailin', Kenny Boy.
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359. Hey, Rush?
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360. Is it okay to
hang out in here?
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361. Wh... All right, fine, just
don't say anything, okay?
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362. So, friends, we were
talking about Nancy Pelosi.
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363. How do we stop her?
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364. How do we stop
the Pelosi agenda—
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365. Hey, I'll tell you how.
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366. You strap her to a board,
put a cloth in her mouth
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367. and pour water over it
to simulate drowning.
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368. Yeah! Small government!
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369. And why don't we take
a short break here, folks.
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370. We'll be right back.
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371. Brian, are you nuts?
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372. What the hell kind of show
you think I'm doing here?
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373. Wha-What? What are you...
Come on. Pelosi's a monster.
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374. And she's addicted to crack.
Come on, you're with me on this.
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375. Of course she's
addicted to crack,
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376. but you can't just say that.
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377. You got to lead people there
with an intelligent argument
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378. so they arrive at it
on their own.
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379. Hey, come on, man. We got to
tell people how it is.
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380. We got to get them
on board with us.
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381. Brian, look, there is no
victory unless people know why
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382. they were wrong to disagree
with you in the first place.
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383. Boy, do you sound soft.
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384. What the hell's
your problem, Brian?
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385. My-my problem?
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386. My— right now my
problem seems to be
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387. that I am talking
to a Pelosi-lover.
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388. What?
Yeah, that's right.
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389. You love Pelosi.
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390. You know what?
It's time for you to go.
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391. Right now.
Hey, fine.
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392. I don't have to sit here and
waste my time with a softie.
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393. You-you call
yourself a Republican?
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394. Republicans don't shy
away from a fight.
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395. And I'm gonna
prove it to you.
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396. Aha!
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397. Who are you?
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398. How did you get in here?
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399. Shut up, Pelosi.
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400. Are you here to take my baby?
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401. No, I'm here to strap
you to a board,
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402. put a cloth in your mouth
and pour water over it
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403. to simulate the
sensation of drowning.
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404. Yeah! Traditional values!
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405. Griffin, you been bailed out.
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406. Oh, Rush, thank God.
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407. Boy, you got down
here quick.
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408. Yeah, I keep Strom Thurmond's
corpse in the front seat
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409. so I can use
the carpool lane.
Oh.
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410. Okay, well, come
on, let's go home.
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411. Great idea.
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412. Time for you to go home.
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413. Home to the Griffins.
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414. Wh... What do you mean?
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415. That's where you
belong, Brian.
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416. You're not really
a conservative.
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417. What are you—
That's not true.
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418. I am conservative.
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419. I support the death penalty
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420. to show people
that killing is wrong.
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421. And that's great, Brian.
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422. Look, I-I make a living
persuading others
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423. to join my side.
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424. But I'd never,
ever want somebody
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425. to be something they're not.
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426. You're a liberal, Brian.
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427. I mean, what about
that four-year-old
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428. that was executed in Texas?
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429. There was a four-year-old
executed in Texas?
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430. Not really, but you see, Brian,
your concern betrays you.
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431. I know your type.
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432. It's not a coincidence
you turned your back
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433. on your democratic principles
just when the Democrats
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434. became the political
establishment.
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435. All you want is something
to fight against.
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436. I mean...
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437. I suppose we shouldn't
be executing children.
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438. You see?
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439. You're not really one of us.
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440. Oh, my God...
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441. Lois was right.
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442. Right there. See, the fact
that you would give a woman
credit for anything...
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443. it means you're
a liberal, Brian.
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444. It's time for you to spread
your two left wings and fly.
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445. Does this— does this mean
I'll never see you again?
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446. Oh, I'll be around.
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447. Wherever there's
a rich white guy
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448. in need of another tax break,
I'll be there.
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449. Wherever there's
a brain-dead woman
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450. in need
of expensive life support
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451. her husband doesn't want,
I'll be there.
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452. Wherever there's a country
that needs to be invaded
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453. for reasons that don't exactly
pan out, I'll be there, too.
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454. Oh, yes, I will be around.
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455. Hey, Limbaugh.
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456. I think you're a boneheaded,
fascist,
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457. corporate-shilling blowhard.
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458. Look, you little smartass,
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459. I think you are a godless,
socialist, pot-smoking,
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460. maggot-infested member
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461. of the blame-America-first
crowd,
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462. and I think you want
the terrorists to win.
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