1. What's wrong with the TV?Copy !req
2. Nothing, Chris.Copy !req
3. All the shows are
in wide-screen now.Copy !req
4. So you can see all
the stuff on the sidesCopy !req
5. that you
couldn't before.Copy !req
6. We now return
to The Brady Bunch.Copy !req
7. See, look.Copy !req
8. Here's what you used to see.Copy !req
9. Good night, Mike.Copy !req
10. Good night, Carol.Copy !req
11. And here's the stuff you missed.Copy !req
12. Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.Copy !req
13. Diane can't be with us today.Copy !req
14. Where is Diane, Ollie?Copy !req
15. She dead!
Thanks, Ollie.Copy !req
16. Yes, Diane is no longer with us.Copy !req
17. She was shot by
an unknown assailant,Copy !req
18. after she herself committed
a series of gruesome murders.Copy !req
19. I'd like to welcome
our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney.Copy !req
20. Welcome, Joyce.
Thanks, Tom.Copy !req
21. Wow, you sound crazy nervous.Copy !req
22. In local news,
there was a hit-and-runCopy !req
23. by a drunk driver today
at Quahog Park.Copy !req
24. Two children are missing.Copy !req
25. I was just there.Copy !req
26. Oh, boy.Copy !req
27. Don't let Brian see this.Copy !req
28. It says here that Rush LimbaughCopy !req
29. will be signing books
at the Quahog Mall.Copy !req
30. I have very good hearing!Copy !req
31. He's awful.Copy !req
32. But I thought
Rush Limbaugh isCopy !req
33. a fictional character
played by Fred Savage.Copy !req
34. Where'd you
hear that?Copy !req
35. Fox News.Copy !req
36. Then it's a lie.Copy !req
37. Everything Fox News
says is a lie.Copy !req
38. But this one's true, Mom.Copy !req
39. You saw it with your own eyesCopy !req
40. and then you reported it
on Fox News.Copy !req
41. Even true things, once said
on Fox News, become lies.Copy !req
42. Why's Limbaugh
coming here?Copy !req
43. Don't they have bookstores
at the Nazi fascist...Copy !req
44. fascist fat camp
where he, where he go—Copy !req
45. where he, where he is
a counselor?Copy !req
46. I tell you what, Brian,Copy !req
47. if you want, we'll give you
another crack at that.Copy !req
48. This guy single-handedly
set political discourse backCopy !req
49. a hundred years.Copy !req
50. You know what? I'm
gonna go down thereCopy !req
51. and give that bastard
Limbaugh a piece of my mind.Copy !req
52. But first I'm gonna sit here and
stare at this brown paper bagCopy !req
53. I'm pretty sure has food in it.Copy !req
54. No!Copy !req
55. Ah, oh, well.Copy !req
56. Look at him.Copy !req
57. His side screwed up our country
for a generation.Copy !req
58. I hate everything
about that man.Copy !req
59. I'm gonna go
tear him a new one.Copy !req
60. I'm gonna go find some
hardcover photography booksCopy !req
61. of tasteful nudes.Copy !req
62. Oh, my God, yes,
that is tasteful!Copy !req
63. Hey, my friend,
who should I make this out to?Copy !req
64. Listen, Limbaugh, my
name is Brian Griffin,Copy !req
65. and I have got
something to say to you.Copy !req
66. Our republic has
been bastardizedCopy !req
67. and royally screwed up
thanks to you jackasses.Copy !req
68. You suck!Copy !req
69. And you're terrible.Copy !req
70. And... and-and
you've div—Copy !req
71. you've been divorced
several times.Copy !req
72. Yes, uh, valid points
you're raising, my friend,Copy !req
73. and I respect you
for raising them.Copy !req
74. But may I ask you a question?Copy !req
75. Okay.Copy !req
76. Have you ever readCopy !req
77. anything I've written?Copy !req
78. Well, no, I haven't.Copy !req
79. But I've read things
other people have writtenCopy !req
80. about the things you've written,
and I do not approveCopy !req
81. of the things
I've read from othersCopy !req
82. about the things
they've read from you.Copy !req
83. Not one bit, sir.Copy !req
84. For crying out loud, Brian,
read my book.Copy !req
85. Judge for yourself.Copy !req
86. I'd sooner spend a night
watching European porn.Copy !req
87. Provo!
Ah-shnork!Copy !req
88. Kaloooooof!
A'gerta!Copy !req
89. Stupid right-wing dick.Copy !req
90. Yeah, you—
Hey, y-you want to sign my book?Copy !req
91. Yeah, you can sign my ass book.Copy !req
92. Is what would've been
awesome to say.Copy !req
93. Oh, no. It's a multiracial
TV gang, including white guys.Copy !req
94. Well, well,
what do we got here?Copy !req
95. Let's beat him up,
but not because of his color,Copy !req
96. 'cause that doesn't
matter to us.Copy !req
97. Wow.Copy !req
98. Thanks, Rush.Copy !req
99. Ah, it was nothing.
I mean, you'd haveCopy !req
100. done the same
thing for me.Copy !req
101. Uh, yeah, of course.Copy !req
102. Hey, you-you
dropped something.Copy !req
103. You think you might
give it a read now?Copy !req
104. Uh, well...Copy !req
105. What-What if I stick a piece
of bologna in the book,Copy !req
106. and I don't tell you which page?Copy !req
107. Would you read it, then, Brian?Copy !req
108. Would you read it to find
the page with the bologna?Copy !req
109. Okay, look, I'll read
four pages of your book tonight.Copy !req
110. All right?
Four pages.Copy !req
111. That's it.Copy !req
112. And maybe more
if tonight's episodeCopy !req
113. of The Office
ends up sucking.Copy !req
114. Four pages. Done.Copy !req
115. Moving on.Copy !req
116. I know my staplers
by sound and by weight.Copy !req
117. And that stapler, good sir,
is a "Schrute."Copy !req
118. Ha! Look at John Krasinski
look at the camera.Copy !req
119. He can't believe
this guy!Copy !req
120. Aw, but there were gonna be
more high-jinks in Scranton.Copy !req
121. Scranton.Copy !req
122. Dunder Mifflin.Copy !req
123. Funny words
are funny.Copy !req
124. Oh, my God.Copy !req
125. Rush Limbaugh
was right all along.Copy !req
126. Conservative Republicanism
is the answer.Copy !req
127. Good. Good for Brian.Copy !req
128. Brian, look at this.Copy !req
129. Now, this is a
tasteful nude.Copy !req
130. It's called "A Saucy Outing
In Tottenham Court Square."Copy !req
131. Brian, are you reading the
new Rush Limbaugh book?Copy !req
132. Yeah, I picked it up
at the mall yesterday.Copy !req
133. I-I can't believe
I'm saying this,Copy !req
134. but this might be
the best book I've ever read.Copy !req
135. Brian, you got
to be joking.Copy !req
136. No, I mean it, Lois.Copy !req
137. You know, I've never actually
read any of Limbaugh's stuff,Copy !req
138. but this book
makes an excellent case forCopy !req
139. personal accountability,
fiscal responsibilityCopy !req
140. and steak eatership.Copy !req
141. But you're a
hard-core liberal.Copy !req
142. Rush Limbaugh is a
right-wing extremist.Copy !req
143. He stands for
everything you despise.Copy !req
144. My loyalty is to reason, Lois.Copy !req
145. And as a reasonable person,
I reserve the rightCopy !req
146. to change my mind
when presented withCopy !req
147. new information
that alters my perspective.Copy !req
148. And I got to tell you,
I had this guy all wrong.Copy !req
149. I mean, some of the stuff
in here is— hey, bologna!Copy !req
150. Thank you, friends.Copy !req
151. It's always a pleasure
to meet regular, real Americans.Copy !req
152. Love the
Hummer, Rush.Copy !req
153. How do you like it?Copy !req
154. It is the best.Copy !req
155. I'm not saying you'd have to be
gay to drive something else.Copy !req
156. But if you drive
something else,Copy !req
157. you're probably a guy who likes
to pleasure other men sexually.Copy !req
158. Hey, it's my new
friend, Brian!Copy !req
159. Hi, Rush.Copy !req
160. Listen, I-I have to tell you,Copy !req
161. I read your book
and it was very persuasive.Copy !req
162. I knew you'd like it,Copy !req
163. and I'm glad you enjoyed
it, Brian, I really am.Copy !req
164. Oh, I-I more than enjoyed it.Copy !req
165. Ev-Every page
just spoke to me.Copy !req
166. And-And, you know,
talking to you now, I just,Copy !req
167. I-I want to find
the right wordsCopy !req
168. to describe how much
I agree with you.Copy !req
169. I got the
words, Brian.Copy !req
170. "Thank you, Rush,
for doing my thinking for me,Copy !req
171. "'cause I lack
the ability to thinkCopy !req
172. critically and independently."
Yes, that!Copy !req
173. You should be proud
of yourself, Brian.Copy !req
174. I mean, you sound like
a thoughtful American.Copy !req
175. Well, listen, I'd really love
to pick your brain some moreCopy !req
176. and hear some of
your other thoughtsCopy !req
177. about what's going on
in this country.Copy !req
178. I can do even better
than that, Brian.Copy !req
179. Wow.Copy !req
180. Never thought
I'd set footCopy !req
181. inside Republican
National Headquarters.Copy !req
182. This is amazing.Copy !req
183. And it gets better, Brian.Copy !req
184. Come on, I'm gonna introduce you
to some of my pals here.Copy !req
185. Brian, meet George W. Bush.Copy !req
186. Hey, Georgie!Copy !req
187. Uncle Rush!Copy !req
188. Hey! Whoo!Copy !req
189. You are getting heavy.Copy !req
190. I know.
I'm 64 and three-quarters.Copy !req
191. You sure are, slugger.Copy !req
192. Hey, you got one for me?Copy !req
193. What? What are you
talking about?Copy !req
194. Oh, come on, Uncle Rush.Copy !req
195. I-I don't know what
you're talking about, really.Copy !req
196. Come on!Copy !req
197. Oh. Wait a second.Copy !req
198. Yay! Yippee!Copy !req
199. Thanks, Uncle Rush!Copy !req
200. Don't tell my dad.Copy !req
201. Hey, there, Rush.
How you doing?Copy !req
202. Hey, John.Copy !req
203. Hey, I'd like you to meet
my friend, Brian.Copy !req
204. Brian, John McCain.Copy !req
205. Gosh, it sure is
a pleasure, Mr. McCain.Copy !req
206. How do you two know each other?Copy !req
207. Oh, Rush and I used to
solve mysteries togetherCopy !req
208. back in the day.Copy !req
209. I don't understand, John.Copy !req
210. The groundskeeper said he saw
the mummy burning the flag.Copy !req
211. But mummies don't
hate America.Copy !req
212. They sure
don't, Rush.Copy !req
213. But Democrats do.Copy !req
214. Ruh-roh.Copy !req
215. Remocrats.Copy !req
216. Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog.Copy !req
217. But I think it's time we unravel
the mummy and the mystery.Copy !req
218. I don't get
it, John.Copy !req
219. How's a pig gonna help
us lure the mummy?Copy !req
220. Rush, I've never known
a Democrat to pass up pork.Copy !req
221. Gotcha!Copy !req
222. Now let's find outCopy !req
223. who you really are.Copy !req
224. It's old man Barney Frank!Copy !req
225. And I would have
gotten away with it, too,Copy !req
226. if it weren't for you
meddling Republicans.Copy !req
227. Thanks for all your help,
Globetrotters.Copy !req
228. That was a cold swish.Copy !req
229. Put her there.Copy !req
230. Aw, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
231. Look, Brian, all I'm saying is,
it's not normal for peopleCopy !req
232. to change their political views
so radically overnight.Copy !req
233. Lois, no offense,
but you don't exactly knowCopy !req
234. what you're talking about.Copy !req
235. I mean, you're-you're not
exactly a fountainCopy !req
236. of political knowledge yourself.Copy !req
237. You want to know
what I think is happening here?Copy !req
238. Oh, this should be
rich and overtaxed.Copy !req
239. I think you just got to be
in the "out" group.Copy !req
240. Whoever's on top, whoever's
in power, whoever's successful,Copy !req
241. you got to be
on the other sideCopy !req
242. or you don't feel like
the smartest guy in the room.Copy !req
243. All you are, my dear,
is a contrarian.Copy !req
244. Oh, please, you could
not be more off base.Copy !req
245. Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did
you think of the movie Titanic?Copy !req
246. Horrible. One of the
worst movies ever made.Copy !req
247. Mm-hmm. How about
Slumdog Millionaire?Copy !req
248. Overrated. Just
a terrible movie.Copy !req
249. Cocktail.Copy !req
250. Actually, not
a bad film.Copy !req
251. You know, as classically
structured cinema,Copy !req
252. Cocktail was one of the
best films of its era.Copy !req
253. You make me sick, Brian.Copy !req
254. Look, Lois, if I were you,
I'd stow that attitude,Copy !req
255. because Rush Limbaugh is
coming over for dinner tonight.Copy !req
256. Lois, this dinner
looks delicious.Copy !req
257. Oh, well, thank you.Copy !req
258. Dig in, everyone.Copy !req
259. Whoa, hang on, hang on.Copy !req
260. I think you're forgetting
the grace, Lois.Copy !req
261. Dear God who definitely
exists, we, your people,Copy !req
262. who have been on this
planet for 6,000 yearsCopy !req
263. and not a second more, wish
to thank you for this bounty,Copy !req
264. and for keeping Congress
predominantly whiteCopy !req
265. through Christ
our Lord, amen.Copy !req
266. So, Rush, I see you
made it here okay,Copy !req
267. driving on roads built with
public funds, by the government.Copy !req
268. Yeah, what about
that, Rush?Copy !req
269. I guess the government's
pretty good, like Lois says.Copy !req
270. Actually, I took
the toll roads.
Privately built.Copy !req
271. Way smoother than the
crumbling public road system.Copy !req
272. Yeah, Lois. Government sucks
at doing stuff.Copy !req
273. Oh, no, toll roads
sound great.Copy !req
274. Too bad only the very rich
can afford to use them.Copy !req
275. I agree with Lois.Copy !req
276. Well, maybe more
people couldCopy !req
277. if the government wasn't taxing
the bajeezus out of them.Copy !req
278. Now I agree with Rush.Copy !req
279. I'm too a'stupid
to make up my own mind.Copy !req
280. Yeah, okay. Whatever
you say, Rush.Copy !req
281. So... nice
weather today.Copy !req
282. Yeah,
unseasonably cool.Copy !req
283. I guess we can forget
that whole global
warming myth.Copy !req
284. Global warming is not a myth,
you son of a bitch!Copy !req
285. Look, what the hell
are you so hostile for?Copy !req
286. Because you brainwashed
our dog.Copy !req
287. Hey, listen,
sister, I just...Copy !req
288. I'm sorry.Copy !req
289. Look, all I did was expose Brian
to a different way of thinking.Copy !req
290. He embraced... Oh, God,
I'm gonna move over here.Copy !req
291. He embraced it
on his own, Lois.Copy !req
292. Well, after Rush
opened my eyes,Copy !req
293. I am seeing the world
in a whole new way now.Copy !req
294. To quote a famous troublemaker,
"I have a dream..."Copy !req
295. Nice place, huh, Rush?Copy !req
296. It's a paradise, Brian.Copy !req
297. No Muslims?Copy !req
298. Nah, too many
tall buildings.Copy !req
299. Who else lives here?Copy !req
300. Oh, big names, Lois.Copy !req
301. His, uh... his daughter's
pretty hot, though.Copy !req
302. At one time, Brian.
At one time.Copy !req
303. Oy.Copy !req
304. Well, I got to tell you, I'm
not buying any of this crap.Copy !req
305. Rush, we want our dog back.Copy !req
306. Whoa, hang on, Lois.Copy !req
307. What are you saying?
I don't have a mind of my own?Copy !req
308. That's insulting.
And-and you know what?Copy !req
309. I don't, I don't
like the wayCopy !req
310. you've been talking
to Rush this evening.Copy !req
311. You know, I-I thought
you were my friends.Copy !req
312. But if you can't accept me
now that we disagreeCopy !req
313. about certain things, then
maybe you aren't the friendsCopy !req
314. I thought you were.
I'm moving out.Copy !req
315. What?
No!
Again?Copy !req
316. I'm gonna go stay
with Rush Limbaugh.Copy !req
317. Right, Rush?
Huh?Copy !req
318. I'm gonna
stay with you.Copy !req
319. Uh... yeah, yeah, sure.Copy !req
320. That-That's fine.Copy !req
321. Oh, this is a bad idea.Copy !req
322. But I guess sometimes
Fox has bad ideas, huh?Copy !req
323. Let's all just sit here
for a momentCopy !req
324. and remember that
this was a thing.Copy !req
325. Morning, Rush.Copy !req
326. Hey, thanks again
for letting me stay here.Copy !req
327. Oh, it's not really
any trouble, Brian.Copy !req
328. What do you figure,
just a few days?Copy !req
329. Aw, man, who knows?Copy !req
330. It's just so good
to be out of there.Copy !req
331. Hey, you know, I've been
reading all your booksCopy !req
332. and I so 100% agree with you.Copy !req
333. I mean, what is going
on with this country?Copy !req
334. I mean, wake up, America.Copy !req
335. I mean, these taxes, right?
I mean, am I right?Copy !req
336. About the taxes?
You know?Copy !req
337. Yeah, taxes are pretty high.Copy !req
338. Is-is-is that
a new coffee machine?Copy !req
339. Oh, yeah, I took the liberty
of replacing your old oneCopy !req
340. with a new,
American-made
coffee machine.Copy !req
341. In fact, I got
you a bunchCopy !req
342. of new, topnotch,
American-made stuff.Copy !req
343. What else did you buy?Copy !req
344. Oh, a couple things:
that light fixture...Copy !req
345. new heat regulator
on your stove...Copy !req
346. your man-bra...Copy !req
347. your garbage disposal...Copy !req
348. your dishwasher...Copy !req
349. and your new cat.Copy !req
350. Moo.Copy !req
351. And you're listening to
the Rush Limbaugh Show.Copy !req
352. I want to take a moment
to give a shout-outCopy !req
353. to my good friend Ken Lay,
faked his own death,Copy !req
354. listening in on
a ham radio somewhereCopy !req
355. in international waters.Copy !req
356. Smooth sailin', Kenny Boy.Copy !req
357. Hey, Rush?Copy !req
358. Is it okay to
hang out in here?Copy !req
359. Wh... All right, fine, just
don't say anything, okay?Copy !req
360. So, friends, we were
talking about Nancy Pelosi.Copy !req
361. How do we stop her?Copy !req
362. How do we stop
the Pelosi agenda—Copy !req
363. Hey, I'll tell you how.Copy !req
364. You strap her to a board,
put a cloth in her mouthCopy !req
365. and pour water over it
to simulate drowning.Copy !req
366. Yeah! Small government!Copy !req
367. And why don't we take
a short break here, folks.Copy !req
368. We'll be right back.Copy !req
369. Brian, are you nuts?Copy !req
370. What the hell kind of show
you think I'm doing here?Copy !req
371. Wha-What? What are you...
Come on. Pelosi's a monster.Copy !req
372. And she's addicted to crack.
Come on, you're with me on this.Copy !req
373. Of course she's
addicted to crack,Copy !req
374. but you can't just say that.Copy !req
375. You got to lead people there
with an intelligent argumentCopy !req
376. so they arrive at it
on their own.Copy !req
377. Hey, come on, man. We got to
tell people how it is.Copy !req
378. We got to get them
on board with us.Copy !req
379. Brian, look, there is no
victory unless people know whyCopy !req
380. they were wrong to disagree
with you in the first place.Copy !req
381. Boy, do you sound soft.Copy !req
382. What the hell's
your problem, Brian?Copy !req
383. My-my problem?Copy !req
384. My— right now my
problem seems to beCopy !req
385. that I am talking
to a Pelosi-lover.Copy !req
386. What?
Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
387. You love Pelosi.Copy !req
388. You know what?
It's time for you to go.Copy !req
389. Right now.
Hey, fine.Copy !req
390. I don't have to sit here and
waste my time with a softie.Copy !req
391. You-you call
yourself a Republican?Copy !req
392. Republicans don't shy
away from a fight.Copy !req
393. And I'm gonna
prove it to you.Copy !req
394. Aha!Copy !req
395. Who are you?Copy !req
396. How did you get in here?Copy !req
397. Shut up, Pelosi.Copy !req
398. Are you here to take my baby?Copy !req
399. No, I'm here to strap
you to a board,Copy !req
400. put a cloth in your mouth
and pour water over itCopy !req
401. to simulate the
sensation of drowning.Copy !req
402. Yeah! Traditional values!Copy !req
403. Griffin, you been bailed out.Copy !req
404. Oh, Rush, thank God.Copy !req
405. Boy, you got down
here quick.Copy !req
406. Yeah, I keep Strom Thurmond's
corpse in the front seatCopy !req
407. so I can use
the carpool lane.
Oh.Copy !req
408. Okay, well, come
on, let's go home.Copy !req
409. Great idea.Copy !req
410. Time for you to go home.Copy !req
411. Home to the Griffins.Copy !req
412. Wh... What do you mean?Copy !req
413. That's where you
belong, Brian.Copy !req
414. You're not really
a conservative.Copy !req
415. What are you—
That's not true.Copy !req
416. I am conservative.Copy !req
417. I support the death penaltyCopy !req
418. to show people
that killing is wrong.Copy !req
419. And that's great, Brian.Copy !req
420. Look, I-I make a living
persuading othersCopy !req
421. to join my side.Copy !req
422. But I'd never,
ever want somebodyCopy !req
423. to be something they're not.Copy !req
424. You're a liberal, Brian.Copy !req
425. I mean, what about
that four-year-oldCopy !req
426. that was executed in Texas?Copy !req
427. There was a four-year-old
executed in Texas?Copy !req
428. Not really, but you see, Brian,
your concern betrays you.Copy !req
429. I know your type.Copy !req
430. It's not a coincidence
you turned your backCopy !req
431. on your democratic principles
just when the DemocratsCopy !req
432. became the political
establishment.Copy !req
433. All you want is something
to fight against.Copy !req
434. I mean...Copy !req
435. I suppose we shouldn't
be executing children.Copy !req
436. You see?Copy !req
437. You're not really one of us.Copy !req
438. Oh, my God...Copy !req
439. Lois was right.Copy !req
440. Right there. See, the fact
that you would give a woman
credit for anything...Copy !req
441. it means you're
a liberal, Brian.Copy !req
442. It's time for you to spread
your two left wings and fly.Copy !req
443. Does this— does this mean
I'll never see you again?Copy !req
444. Oh, I'll be around.Copy !req
445. Wherever there's
a rich white guyCopy !req
446. in need of another tax break,
I'll be there.Copy !req
447. Wherever there's
a brain-dead womanCopy !req
448. in need
of expensive life supportCopy !req
449. her husband doesn't want,
I'll be there.Copy !req
450. Wherever there's a country
that needs to be invadedCopy !req
451. for reasons that don't exactly
pan out, I'll be there, too.Copy !req
452. Oh, yes, I will be around.Copy !req
453. Hey, Limbaugh.Copy !req
454. I think you're a boneheaded,
fascist,Copy !req
455. corporate-shilling blowhard.Copy !req
456. Look, you little smartass,Copy !req
457. I think you are a godless,
socialist, pot-smoking,Copy !req
458. maggot-infested memberCopy !req
459. of the blame-America-first
crowd,Copy !req
460. and I think you want
the terrorists to win.Copy !req