1. What's wrong with the TV?Copy !req
2. Nothing, Chris.Copy !req
3. All the shows are
in wide-screen now.Copy !req
4. So you can see all
the stuff on the sidesCopy !req
5. that you
couldn't before.Copy !req
6. We now return
to The Brady Bunch.Copy !req
7. See, look.Copy !req
8. Here's what you used to see.Copy !req
9. Good night, Mike.Copy !req
10. Good night, Carol.Copy !req
11. And here's the stuff you missed.Copy !req
12. Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.Copy !req
13. Diane can't be with us today.Copy !req
14. Where is Diane, Ollie?Copy !req
15. She dead!
Thanks, Ollie.Copy !req
16. Yes, Diane is no longer with us.Copy !req
17. She was shot by
an unknown assailant,Copy !req
18. after she herself committed
a series of gruesome murders.Copy !req
19. I'd like to welcome
our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney.Copy !req
20. Welcome, Joyce.
Thanks, Tom.Copy !req
21. Wow, you sound crazy nervous.Copy !req
22. In local news,
there was a hit-and-runCopy !req
23. by a drunk driver today
at Quahog Park.Copy !req
24. Two children are missing.Copy !req
25. I was just there.Copy !req
26. Oh, boy.Copy !req
27. Don't let Brian see this.Copy !req
28. It says here that Rush LimbaughCopy !req
29. will be signing books
at the Quahog Mall.Copy !req
30. I have very good hearing!Copy !req
31. He's awful.Copy !req
32. But I thought
Rush Limbaugh isCopy !req
33. a fictional character
played by Fred Savage.Copy !req
34. Where'd you
hear that?Copy !req
35. Fox News.Copy !req
36. Then it's a lie.Copy !req
37. Everything Fox News
says is a lie.Copy !req
38. But this one's true, Mom.Copy !req
39. You saw it with your own eyesCopy !req
40. and then you reported it
on Fox News.Copy !req
41. Even true things, once said
on Fox News, become lies.Copy !req
42. Why's Limbaugh
coming here?Copy !req
43. Don't they have bookstores
at the Nazi fascist...Copy !req
44. fascist fat camp
where he, where he go—Copy !req
45. where he, where he is
a counselor?Copy !req
46. I tell you what, Brian,Copy !req
47. if you want, we'll give you
another crack at that.Copy !req
48. This guy single-handedly
set political discourse backCopy !req
49. a hundred years.Copy !req
50. You know what? I'm
gonna go down thereCopy !req
51. and give that bastard
Limbaugh a piece of my mind.Copy !req
52. But first I'm gonna sit here and
stare at this brown paper bagCopy !req
53. I'm pretty sure has food in it.Copy !req
54. No!Copy !req
55. Ah, oh, well.Copy !req
56. Look at him.Copy !req
57. His side screwed up our country
for a generation.Copy !req
58. I hate everything
about that man.Copy !req
59. I'm gonna go
tear him a new one.Copy !req
60. I'm gonna go find some
hardcover photography booksCopy !req
61. of tasteful nudes.Copy !req
62. Oh, my God, yes,
that is tasteful!Copy !req
63. Hey, my friend,
who should I make this out to?Copy !req
64. Listen, Limbaugh, my
name is Brian Griffin,Copy !req
65. and I have got
something to say to you.Copy !req
66. Our republic has
been bastardizedCopy !req
67. and royally screwed up
thanks to you jackasses.Copy !req
68. You suck!Copy !req
69. And you're terrible.Copy !req
70. And... and-and
you've div—Copy !req
71. you've been divorced
several times.Copy !req
72. Yes, uh, valid points
you're raising, my friend,Copy !req
73. and I respect you
for raising them.Copy !req
74. But may I ask you a question?Copy !req
75. Okay.Copy !req
76. Have you ever readCopy !req
77. anything I've written?Copy !req
78. Well, no, I haven't.Copy !req
79. But I've read things
other people have writtenCopy !req
80. about the things you've written,
and I do not approveCopy !req
81. of the things
I've read from othersCopy !req
82. about the things
they've read from you.Copy !req
83. Not one bit, sir.Copy !req
84. For crying out loud, Brian,
read my book.Copy !req
85. Judge for yourself.Copy !req
86. I'd sooner spend a night
watching European porn.Copy !req
87. Provo! Provo!
Ah-shnork! Ah-shnork!Copy !req
88. Provo!
Ah-shnork!Copy !req
89. (loudly):
Provo! Provo!
(loudly):
Ah-shnork! Ah-shnork!Copy !req
90. Kaloooooof!
A'gerta!Copy !req
91. Stupid right-wing dick.Copy !req
92. Yeah, you—
Hey, y-you want to sign my book?Copy !req
93. Yeah, you can sign my ass book.Copy !req
94. Is what would've been
awesome to say.Copy !req
95. Oh, no. It's a multiracial
TV gang, including white guys.Copy !req
96. Well, well,
what do we got here?Copy !req
97. Let's beat him up,
but not because of his color,Copy !req
98. 'cause that doesn't
matter to us.Copy !req
99. Wow.Copy !req
100. Thanks, Rush.Copy !req
101. Ah, it was nothing.
I mean, you'd haveCopy !req
102. done the same
thing for me.Copy !req
103. Uh, yeah, of course.Copy !req
104. Hey, you-you
dropped something.Copy !req
105. You think you might
give it a read now?Copy !req
106. Uh, well...Copy !req
107. What-What if I stick a piece
of bologna in the book,Copy !req
108. and I don't tell you which page?Copy !req
109. Would you read it, then, Brian?Copy !req
110. Would you read it to find
the page with the bologna?Copy !req
111. Okay, look, I'll read
four pages of your book tonight.Copy !req
112. All right?
Four pages.Copy !req
113. That's it.Copy !req
114. And maybe more
if tonight's episodeCopy !req
115. of The Office
ends up sucking.Copy !req
116. Four pages. Done.Copy !req
117. Moving on.Copy !req
118. I know my staplers
by sound and by weight.Copy !req
119. And that stapler, good sir,
is a "Schrute."Copy !req
120. Ha! Look at John Krasinski
look at the camera.Copy !req
121. He can't believe
this guy!Copy !req
122. Aw, but there were gonna be
more high-jinks in Scranton.Copy !req
123. (giggles):
Scranton.Copy !req
124. Dunder Mifflin.Copy !req
125. Funny words
are funny.Copy !req
126. Oh, my God.Copy !req
127. Rush Limbaugh
was right all along.Copy !req
128. Conservative Republicanism
is the answer.Copy !req
129. Good. Good for Brian.Copy !req
130. Brian, look at this.Copy !req
131. Now, this is a
tasteful nude.Copy !req
132. It's called "A Saucy Outing
In Tottenham Court Square."Copy !req
133. Brian, are you reading the
new Rush Limbaugh book?Copy !req
134. Yeah, I picked it up
at the mall yesterday.Copy !req
135. I-I can't believe
I'm saying this,Copy !req
136. but this might be
the best book I've ever read.Copy !req
137. Brian, you got
to be joking.Copy !req
138. No, I mean it, Lois.Copy !req
139. You know, I've never actually
read any of Limbaugh's stuff,Copy !req
140. but this book
makes an excellent case forCopy !req
141. personal accountability,
fiscal responsibilityCopy !req
142. and steak eatership.Copy !req
143. But you're a
hard-core liberal.Copy !req
144. Rush Limbaugh is a
right-wing extremist.Copy !req
145. He stands for
everything you despise.Copy !req
146. My loyalty is to reason, Lois.Copy !req
147. And as a reasonable person,
I reserve the rightCopy !req
148. to change my mind
when presented withCopy !req
149. new information
that alters my perspective.Copy !req
150. And I got to tell you,
I had this guy all wrong.Copy !req
151. I mean, some of the stuff
in here is— hey, bologna!Copy !req
152. Thank you, friends.Copy !req
153. It's always a pleasure
to meet regular, real Americans.Copy !req
154. Love the
Hummer, Rush.Copy !req
155. How do you like it?Copy !req
156. It is the best.Copy !req
157. I'm not saying you'd have to be
gay to drive something else.Copy !req
158. But if you drive
something else,Copy !req
159. you're probably a guy who likes
to pleasure other men sexually.Copy !req
160. Hey, it's my new
friend, Brian!Copy !req
161. Hi, Rush.Copy !req
162. Listen, I-I have to tell you,Copy !req
163. I read your book
and it was very persuasive.Copy !req
164. I knew you'd like it,Copy !req
165. and I'm glad you enjoyed
it, Brian, I really am.Copy !req
166. Oh, I-I more than enjoyed it.Copy !req
167. Ev-Every page
just spoke to me.Copy !req
168. And-And, you know,
talking to you now, I just,Copy !req
169. I-I want to find
the right wordsCopy !req
170. to describe how much
I agree with you.Copy !req
171. I got the
words, Brian.Copy !req
172. "Thank you, Rush,
for doing my thinking for me,Copy !req
173. "'cause I lack
the ability to thinkCopy !req
174. critically and independently."
Yes, that!Copy !req
175. You should be proud
of yourself, Brian.Copy !req
176. I mean, you sound like
a thoughtful American.Copy !req
177. Well, listen, I'd really love
to pick your brain some moreCopy !req
178. and hear some of
your other thoughtsCopy !req
179. about what's going on
in this country.Copy !req
180. I can do even better
than that, Brian.Copy !req
181. Wow.Copy !req
182. Never thought
I'd set footCopy !req
183. inside Republican
National Headquarters.Copy !req
184. This is amazing.Copy !req
185. And it gets better, Brian.Copy !req
186. Come on, I'm gonna introduce you
to some of my pals here.Copy !req
187. Brian, meet George W. Bush.Copy !req
188. Hey, Georgie!Copy !req
189. Uncle Rush!Copy !req
190. (chuckles):
Hey! Whoo!Copy !req
191. You are getting heavy.Copy !req
192. I know.
I'm 64 and three-quarters.Copy !req
193. You sure are, slugger.Copy !req
194. Hey, you got one for me?Copy !req
195. What? What are you
talking about?Copy !req
196. Oh, come on, Uncle Rush.Copy !req
197. I-I don't know what
you're talking about, really.Copy !req
198. Come on!Copy !req
199. Oh. Wait a second.Copy !req
200. Yay! Yippee!Copy !req
201. Thanks, Uncle Rush!Copy !req
202. Don't tell my dad.Copy !req
203. Hey, there, Rush.
How you doing?Copy !req
204. Hey, John.Copy !req
205. Hey, I'd like you to meet
my friend, Brian.Copy !req
206. Brian, John McCain.Copy !req
207. Gosh, it sure is
a pleasure, Mr. McCain.Copy !req
208. How do you two know each other?Copy !req
209. Oh, Rush and I used to
solve mysteries togetherCopy !req
210. back in the day.Copy !req
211. I don't understand, John.Copy !req
212. The groundskeeper said he saw
the mummy burning the flag.Copy !req
213. But mummies don't
hate America.Copy !req
214. They sure
don't, Rush.Copy !req
215. But Democrats do.Copy !req
216. Ruh-roh.Copy !req
217. Remocrats.Copy !req
218. Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog.Copy !req
219. But I think it's time we unravel
the mummy and the mystery.Copy !req
220. I don't get
it, John.Copy !req
221. How's a pig gonna help
us lure the mummy?Copy !req
222. Rush, I've never known
a Democrat to pass up pork.Copy !req
223. Gotcha!Copy !req
224. Now let's find outCopy !req
225. who you really are.Copy !req
226. It's old man Barney Frank!Copy !req
227. And I would have
gotten away with it, too,Copy !req
228. if it weren't for you
meddling Republicans.Copy !req
229. Thanks for all your help,
Globetrotters.Copy !req
230. That was a cold swish.Copy !req
231. Put her there.Copy !req
232. Aw, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
233. Look, Brian, all I'm saying is,
it's not normal for peopleCopy !req
234. to change their political views
so radically overnight.Copy !req
235. Lois, no offense,
but you don't exactly knowCopy !req
236. what you're talking about.Copy !req
237. I mean, you're-you're not
exactly a fountainCopy !req
238. of political knowledge yourself.Copy !req
239. (sighs) You want to know
what I think is happening here?Copy !req
240. Oh, this should be
rich and overtaxed.Copy !req
241. I think you just got to be
in the "out" group.Copy !req
242. Whoever's on top, whoever's
in power, whoever's successful,Copy !req
243. you got to be
on the other sideCopy !req
244. or you don't feel like
the smartest guy in the room.Copy !req
245. All you are, my dear,
is a contrarian.Copy !req
246. Oh, please, you could
not be more off base.Copy !req
247. Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did
you think of the movie Titanic?Copy !req
248. Horrible. One of the
worst movies ever made.Copy !req
249. Mm-hmm. How about
Slumdog Millionaire?Copy !req
250. Overrated. Just
a terrible movie.Copy !req
251. Cocktail.Copy !req
252. Actually, not
a bad film.Copy !req
253. You know, as classically
structured cinema,Copy !req
254. Cocktail was one of the
best films of its era.Copy !req
255. You make me sick, Brian.Copy !req
256. Look, Lois, if I were you,
I'd stow that attitude,Copy !req
257. because Rush Limbaugh is
coming over for dinner tonight.Copy !req
258. Lois, this dinner
looks delicious.Copy !req
259. Oh, well, thank you.Copy !req
260. Dig in, everyone.Copy !req
261. Whoa, hang on, hang on.Copy !req
262. I think you're forgetting
the grace, Lois.Copy !req
263. Dear God who definitely
exists, we, your people,Copy !req
264. who have been on this
planet for 6,000 yearsCopy !req
265. and not a second more, wish
to thank you for this bounty,Copy !req
266. and for keeping Congress
predominantly whiteCopy !req
267. through Christ
our Lord, amen.Copy !req
268. So, Rush, I see you
made it here okay,Copy !req
269. driving on roads built with
public funds, by the government.Copy !req
270. Yeah, what about
that, Rush?Copy !req
271. I guess the government's
pretty good, like Lois says.Copy !req
272. Actually, I took
the toll roads.
Privately built.Copy !req
273. Way smoother than the
crumbling public road system.Copy !req
274. Yeah, Lois. Government sucks
at doing stuff.Copy !req
275. Oh, no, toll roads
sound great.Copy !req
276. Too bad only the very rich
can afford to use them.Copy !req
277. I agree with Lois.Copy !req
278. Well, maybe more
people couldCopy !req
279. if the government wasn't taxing
the bajeezus out of them.Copy !req
280. Now I agree with Rush.Copy !req
281. I'm too a'stupid
to make up my own mind.Copy !req
282. Yeah, okay. Whatever
you say, Rush.Copy !req
283. So... nice
weather today.Copy !req
284. Yeah,
unseasonably cool.Copy !req
285. I guess we can forget
that whole global
warming myth.Copy !req
286. Global warming is not a myth,
you son of a bitch!Copy !req
287. Look, what the hell
are you so hostile for?Copy !req
288. Because you brainwashed
our dog.Copy !req
289. Hey, listen,
sister, I just...Copy !req
290. I'm sorry.Copy !req
291. Look, all I did was expose Brian
to a different way of thinking.Copy !req
292. He embraced... Oh, God,
I'm gonna move over here.Copy !req
293. He embraced it
on his own, Lois.Copy !req
294. Well, after Rush
opened my eyes,Copy !req
295. I am seeing the world
in a whole new way now.Copy !req
296. To quote a famous troublemaker,
"I have a dream..."Copy !req
297. Nice place, huh, Rush?Copy !req
298. It's a paradise, Brian.Copy !req
299. No Muslims?Copy !req
300. Nah, too many
tall buildings.Copy !req
301. Who else lives here?Copy !req
302. Oh, big names, Lois.Copy !req
303. His, uh... his daughter's
pretty hot, though.Copy !req
304. At one time, Brian.
At one time.Copy !req
305. Oy.Copy !req
306. Well, I got to tell you, I'm
not buying any of this crap.Copy !req
307. Rush, we want our dog back.Copy !req
308. Whoa, hang on, Lois.Copy !req
309. What are you saying?
I don't have a mind of my own?Copy !req
310. That's insulting.
And-and you know what?Copy !req
311. I don't, I don't
like the wayCopy !req
312. you've been talking
to Rush this evening.Copy !req
313. You know, I-I thought
you were my friends.Copy !req
314. But if you can't accept me
now that we disagreeCopy !req
315. about certain things, then
maybe you aren't the friendsCopy !req
316. I thought you were.
I'm moving out.Copy !req
317. What?
No!
Again?Copy !req
318. I'm gonna go stay
with Rush Limbaugh.Copy !req
319. Right, Rush?
Huh?Copy !req
320. I'm gonna
stay with you.Copy !req
321. Uh... yeah, yeah, sure.Copy !req
322. That-That's fine.Copy !req
323. Oh, this is a bad idea.Copy !req
324. But I guess sometimes
Fox has bad ideas, huh?Copy !req
325. Let's all just sit here
for a momentCopy !req
326. and remember that
this was a thing.Copy !req
327. Morning, Rush.Copy !req
328. Hey, thanks again
for letting me stay here.Copy !req
329. Oh, it's not really
any trouble, Brian.Copy !req
330. What do you figure,
just a few days?Copy !req
331. Aw, man, who knows?Copy !req
332. It's just so good
to be out of there.Copy !req
333. Hey, you know, I've been
reading all your booksCopy !req
334. and I so 100% agree with you.Copy !req
335. I mean, what is going
on with this country?Copy !req
336. I mean, wake up, America.Copy !req
337. I mean, these taxes, right?
I mean, am I right?Copy !req
338. About the taxes?
You know?Copy !req
339. Yeah, taxes are pretty high.Copy !req
340. Is-is-is that
a new coffee machine?Copy !req
341. Oh, yeah, I took the liberty
of replacing your old oneCopy !req
342. with a new,
American-made
coffee machine.Copy !req
343. In fact, I got
you a bunchCopy !req
344. of new, topnotch,
American-made stuff.Copy !req
345. What else did you buy?Copy !req
346. Oh, a couple things:
that light fixture...Copy !req
347. new heat regulator
on your stove...Copy !req
348. your man-bra...Copy !req
349. your garbage disposal...Copy !req
350. your dishwasher...Copy !req
351. and your new cat.Copy !req
352. (cow bellowing):
Moo.Copy !req
353. And you're listening to
the Rush Limbaugh Show.Copy !req
354. I want to take a moment
to give a shout-outCopy !req
355. to my good friend Ken Lay,
faked his own death,Copy !req
356. listening in on
a ham radio somewhereCopy !req
357. in international waters.Copy !req
358. Smooth sailin', Kenny Boy.Copy !req
359. Hey, Rush?Copy !req
360. Is it okay to
hang out in here?Copy !req
361. Wh... All right, fine, just
don't say anything, okay?Copy !req
362. So, friends, we were
talking about Nancy Pelosi.Copy !req
363. How do we stop her?Copy !req
364. How do we stop
the Pelosi agenda—Copy !req
365. Hey, I'll tell you how.Copy !req
366. You strap her to a board,
put a cloth in her mouthCopy !req
367. and pour water over it
to simulate drowning.Copy !req
368. Yeah! Small government!Copy !req
369. And why don't we take
a short break here, folks.Copy !req
370. We'll be right back.Copy !req
371. Brian, are you nuts?Copy !req
372. What the hell kind of show
you think I'm doing here?Copy !req
373. Wha-What? What are you...
Come on. Pelosi's a monster.Copy !req
374. And she's addicted to crack.
Come on, you're with me on this.Copy !req
375. Of course she's
addicted to crack,Copy !req
376. but you can't just say that.Copy !req
377. You got to lead people there
with an intelligent argumentCopy !req
378. so they arrive at it
on their own.Copy !req
379. Hey, come on, man. We got to
tell people how it is.Copy !req
380. We got to get them
on board with us.Copy !req
381. Brian, look, there is no
victory unless people know whyCopy !req
382. they were wrong to disagree
with you in the first place.Copy !req
383. Boy, do you sound soft.Copy !req
384. What the hell's
your problem, Brian?Copy !req
385. My-my problem?Copy !req
386. My— right now my
problem seems to beCopy !req
387. that I am talking
to a Pelosi-lover.Copy !req
388. What?
Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
389. You love Pelosi.Copy !req
390. You know what?
It's time for you to go.Copy !req
391. Right now.
Hey, fine.Copy !req
392. I don't have to sit here and
waste my time with a softie.Copy !req
393. You-you call
yourself a Republican?Copy !req
394. Republicans don't shy
away from a fight.Copy !req
395. And I'm gonna
prove it to you.Copy !req
396. Aha!Copy !req
397. Who are you?Copy !req
398. How did you get in here?Copy !req
399. Shut up, Pelosi.Copy !req
400. Are you here to take my baby?Copy !req
401. No, I'm here to strap
you to a board,Copy !req
402. put a cloth in your mouth
and pour water over itCopy !req
403. to simulate the
sensation of drowning.Copy !req
404. Yeah! Traditional values!Copy !req
405. Griffin, you been bailed out.Copy !req
406. Oh, Rush, thank God.Copy !req
407. Boy, you got down
here quick.Copy !req
408. Yeah, I keep Strom Thurmond's
corpse in the front seatCopy !req
409. so I can use
the carpool lane.
Oh.Copy !req
410. Okay, well, come
on, let's go home.Copy !req
411. Great idea.Copy !req
412. Time for you to go home.Copy !req
413. Home to the Griffins.Copy !req
414. Wh... What do you mean?Copy !req
415. That's where you
belong, Brian.Copy !req
416. You're not really
a conservative.Copy !req
417. What are you—
That's not true.Copy !req
418. I am conservative.Copy !req
419. I support the death penaltyCopy !req
420. to show people
that killing is wrong.Copy !req
421. And that's great, Brian.Copy !req
422. Look, I-I make a living
persuading othersCopy !req
423. to join my side.Copy !req
424. But I'd never,
ever want somebodyCopy !req
425. to be something they're not.Copy !req
426. You're a liberal, Brian.Copy !req
427. I mean, what about
that four-year-oldCopy !req
428. that was executed in Texas?Copy !req
429. There was a four-year-old
executed in Texas?Copy !req
430. Not really, but you see, Brian,
your concern betrays you.Copy !req
431. I know your type.Copy !req
432. It's not a coincidence
you turned your backCopy !req
433. on your democratic principles
just when the DemocratsCopy !req
434. became the political
establishment.Copy !req
435. All you want is something
to fight against.Copy !req
436. I mean...Copy !req
437. I suppose we shouldn't
be executing children.Copy !req
438. You see?Copy !req
439. You're not really one of us.Copy !req
440. Oh, my God...Copy !req
441. Lois was right.Copy !req
442. Right there. See, the fact
that you would give a woman
credit for anything...Copy !req
443. it means you're
a liberal, Brian.Copy !req
444. It's time for you to spread
your two left wings and fly.Copy !req
445. Does this— does this mean
I'll never see you again?Copy !req
446. Oh, I'll be around.Copy !req
447. Wherever there's
a rich white guyCopy !req
448. in need of another tax break,
I'll be there.Copy !req
449. Wherever there's
a brain-dead womanCopy !req
450. in need
of expensive life supportCopy !req
451. her husband doesn't want,
I'll be there.Copy !req
452. Wherever there's a country
that needs to be invadedCopy !req
453. for reasons that don't exactly
pan out, I'll be there, too.Copy !req
454. Oh, yes, I will be around.Copy !req
455. Hey, Limbaugh.Copy !req
456. I think you're a boneheaded,
fascist,Copy !req
457. corporate-shilling blowhard.Copy !req
458. Look, you little smartass,Copy !req
459. I think you are a godless,
socialist, pot-smoking,Copy !req
460. maggot-infested memberCopy !req
461. of the blame-America-first
crowd,Copy !req
462. and I think you want
the terrorists to win.Copy !req