1. Okay, Brian,
I'm goin' to the IGA.Copy !req
2. Don't let Peter
get into the cookie dough.Copy !req
3. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
4. Uh, Brian?Copy !req
5. I'm just gonna go
into the kitchen and...Copy !req
6. look at somethin'.Copy !req
7. Peter, I know
what you're doing.Copy !req
8. I'm just gonna
look at somethin'.Copy !req
9. Oh! What a very
interesting thing.Copy !req
10. Brian, can I give you money
and you write me a checkCopy !req
11. so I can order something fromCopy !req
12. this Abercrombie & Fitch
catalog?Copy !req
13. What do you want to order?
Oh, wait, let me guess.Copy !req
14. Him.Copy !req
15. He got you, Stewie!Copy !req
16. Well, um, if
it were you...Copy !req
17. You-you would take the magazine
and you'd put it on the floorCopy !req
18. and pee on it 'cause you're
a dog and you're stupid,Copy !req
19. and-and you have a weird
toenail halfway up your elbow.Copy !req
20. Nice comeback.Copy !req
21. Geez, that one
was all over the place.Copy !req
22. I should have been
quicker than that.Copy !req
23. I should've said, "Really?Copy !req
24. Why would I order
your ex-boyfriend?"Copy !req
25. And then I'd go like this.Copy !req
26. Aw, that's so good!Copy !req
27. Why didn't I say that?Copy !req
28. If only I had a time machine,Copy !req
29. I could go back in time
and have that comeback ready.Copy !req
30. Wait a minute.Copy !req
31. I do have a time machine!Copy !req
32. Brian, can I give you moneyCopy !req
33. and you write me a check
so I can order somethingCopy !req
34. from this Abercrombie
& Fitch catalog?Copy !req
35. What do you want to order?
Oh, wait, let me guess:Copy !req
36. Him.
Really?Copy !req
37. Why would I order
your ex-boyfriend?Copy !req
38. He got you, Brian!Copy !req
39. Why didn't I think
of this before?Copy !req
40. Now I can always have
the last word.Copy !req
41. Like that ground control guy
during the moon landing.Copy !req
42. That's one small step for man,Copy !req
43. one giant leap for mankind.Copy !req
44. Roger that, Neil.Copy !req
45. We came in peace for
all the peoples of the Earth.Copy !req
46. We read you, Neil.Copy !req
47. We chose to go to the moon,Copy !req
48. not because it is easy,
but because it is hard.Copy !req
49. Had a lot of
help down here, Neil.Copy !req
50. We have slipped
the surly bonds of EarthCopy !req
51. and touched the face of God.Copy !req
52. Yeah, if you could justCopy !req
53. grab some rocks, Neil,
throw 'em in a bag,Copy !req
54. we'll get you home
safe and sound.Copy !req
55. This is silly fun.Copy !req
56. I can go back in time and change
anything in Brian's life.Copy !req
57. Aw, don't feel
bad, Peter.Copy !req
58. Hey, I know what'll
cheer you up.Copy !req
59. Hey, where the hell's
my banana thing?Copy !req
60. Oh... Oh, my God.Copy !req
61. Oh, Stewie, that
is so funny!Copy !req
62. Oh... I did not
see that comin'!Copy !req
63. But... that was my thing.Copy !req
64. I'm pretty sure it was
the Internet's thing.Copy !req
65. Hey, you remember
a few months agoCopy !req
66. when you scored that date with
that Victoria's Secret modelCopy !req
67. and then ended up
sealing the deal?Copy !req
68. Oh, yeah. That was amazing.Copy !req
69. What was the date of that?Copy !req
70. August 15th. August 15th!
You betcha!Copy !req
71. Now, I have to
leave enough time...Copy !req
72. Talking to yourself?Copy !req
73. Gyah...! Brian, Brian!
Hello!Copy !req
74. Stewie, I know you've been going
back in time to embarrass me.Copy !req
75. Oh, what-what,
that... come on!Copy !req
76. Oh, okay, then-then
where are you going now?Copy !req
77. Well, I have a-a-a very
important mission.Copy !req
78. Uh-huh. Let me see that panel.
No, no, don't touch that!Copy !req
79. Come on, let me see that!
Don't...Copy !req
80. Move out of the way!
No, you can't...Copy !req
81. I'm not gonna let you do this...
You just touched my boob.Copy !req
82. I'm gonna tell Mom.Copy !req
83. What happened?Copy !req
84. Where are we?
I don't know.Copy !req
85. It's like...
we're not anywhere.Copy !req
86. Stewie, what the hell
did your machine do?Copy !req
87. Just calm down,
calm down, Brian.Copy !req
88. I've got the return pad.Copy !req
89. All right, step on.Copy !req
90. What happened?Copy !req
91. Good Lord!Copy !req
92. This is impossible!Copy !req
93. What? Well, the return pad worksCopy !req
94. by first locking onto
our coordinatesCopy !req
95. along the curve of the
space-time continuum.Copy !req
96. But it can't.
Why not?Copy !req
97. Well, the only explanation is...Copy !req
98. we've somehow been transportedCopy !req
99. outside the space-time
continuum.Copy !req
100. I don't-I don't understand.Copy !req
101. Non-existence.Copy !req
102. No past, no future.Copy !req
103. No universe.Copy !req
104. But still
somehow a large,Copy !req
105. brightly-colored promo
for The Cleveland Show.Copy !req
106. Hey, y'all,
it's The Cleveland Show!Copy !req
107. Huh. That's weird.Copy !req
108. Black guys usually
don't promote themselves.Copy !req
109. Come on, Stewie, can you
fix that damn thing or not?Copy !req
110. Well, it's not
broken, Brian.Copy !req
111. It operates according
to the laws of physics,Copy !req
112. but we're outside the
space-time continuum,Copy !req
113. so there are no laws
of physics— watch.Copy !req
114. How the hell'd
you do that?Copy !req
115. No laws of physics, Brian.Copy !req
116. We create our own physics.Copy !req
117. See, watch this.Copy !req
118. Did I tell you?Copy !req
119. Yeah, that was good.
We were good.Copy !req
120. Yeah, th-that's why it
sucks that we're alone here.Copy !req
121. Because if-if-if
there were people here,Copy !req
122. they would say,
"That was good.Copy !req
123. You guys should
do that more."Copy !req
124. Oh, yeah, they totally
would, but look-look,Copy !req
125. I still want to
go home, Stewie.Copy !req
126. How do we get
outta here?Copy !req
127. Well, if I overload
the return pad's reactor,Copy !req
128. it might release enough energyCopy !req
129. to blow us back into the
universe, but it's too risky.Copy !req
130. But it could
get us home?Copy !req
131. Well, maybe, but
it'll break my thing.Copy !req
132. And if I overload that reactor,
we could both die.Copy !req
133. Well, you at least
have to try.Copy !req
134. And if you don't, I am gonna
spend the rest of eternityCopy !req
135. chuckling at a joke that
I am not gonna share with you.Copy !req
136. Oh, oh, man.Copy !req
137. What? What's the joke?Copy !req
138. Oh, yes!Copy !req
139. What? What is it?
You-you can't say that!Copy !req
140. But it got said!Copy !req
141. Wha-what what?
By who?Copy !req
142. All right, fine, fine!Copy !req
143. I'll try it,
you bastard!Copy !req
144. Now, step onto
the return pad.Copy !req
145. Now brace yourself.Copy !req
146. Hopefully, the explosion
will propel us into reality.Copy !req
147. We made it.
Yeah, we made it.Copy !req
148. Okay, now tell me the joke.
Oh, it's nothing really.Copy !req
149. It's just this bit about
a planned parenthood clinicCopy !req
150. on Halloween.Copy !req
151. Next.Copy !req
152. Brian, I am about to
show you somethingCopy !req
153. that's gonna
blow your mind!Copy !req
154. Do you know what the
big bang theory is?Copy !req
155. Yeah, the theory that
the universe startedCopy !req
156. with a massive outward explosionCopy !req
157. from a singularity of infinite
mass and infinite density.Copy !req
158. Check out the big brain
on Brian.Copy !req
159. Good. Now, take a look.Copy !req
160. The universe's cosmic
background radiation,Copy !req
161. a kind of echo
of the big bang,Copy !req
162. precisely matches the energy
spectrum of my return pad!Copy !req
163. Well, what does
that mean?Copy !req
164. It means my return pad's
explosion was the big bang.Copy !req
165. But the big bang happened, like,
billions of years ago.Copy !req
166. No, no— we were outside
the space-time continuum.Copy !req
167. Time and space didn't
exist until my explosion.Copy !req
168. Which means I created
the universe, Brian.Copy !req
169. That doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
170. You were born in the universe.
How could you create it?Copy !req
171. It's called a "temporal
causality loop."Copy !req
172. The universe created me,
so I could create it,Copy !req
173. so it could create
me and so on.Copy !req
174. That's...Copy !req
175. that's the most incredible
thing I've ever heard.Copy !req
176. So, wait, that-that
means that...Copy !req
177. I kinda created
the universe, too.Copy !req
178. No, no, no, no.Copy !req
179. You're, you're sort of the
Art Garfunkel of the universe.Copy !req
180. Hey, Lois, check out what I
spelled with my Alpha-Bits.Copy !req
181. Oh, my God.Copy !req
182. Yeah! Now watch.Copy !req
183. Oh, maybe later,Copy !req
184. you'll want
the real thing.Copy !req
185. I prefer the Alpha-Bits.Copy !req
186. Well, I'm off
to the farmers' market.Copy !req
187. I've gotta pick up some
plutonium for a new return pad.Copy !req
188. In case I decide to make
another universe later.Copy !req
189. Plutonium at the
farmers' market?Copy !req
190. Yeah, I'm only using
organic plutonium now.Copy !req
191. Think globally:
buy locally.Copy !req
192. Hey, slut,
get me out of this.Copy !req
193. Hello there, Yusuf.
Hey, Stewie!Copy !req
194. What can I get you?Copy !req
195. Oh, just a little
of the good stuffCopy !req
196. for a new time machine
return pad.Copy !req
197. Coming right up.Copy !req
198. So, how's the whole
terrorism thing goin'?Copy !req
199. Well, the good news is
my son died in a car bombing.Copy !req
200. The bad news is
he borrowed my car!Copy !req
201. Oh, God!Copy !req
202. Oh, that's
the other reason I come here.Copy !req
203. Okay, so here
is your plutonium.Copy !req
204. I hope you kill
my bitch wife with it.Copy !req
205. Whoa, whoa. Where's
that comin' from?Copy !req
206. Eh, I'm just a little upset
because she left me.Copy !req
207. I guess she didn't know
what "jihad."Copy !req
208. Come on!
Oh, sorry!Copy !req
209. So...Copy !req
210. Stewie Griffin invented
a time machine.Copy !req
211. Bertram!Copy !req
212. Hello, Stewie.Copy !req
213. You don't realize it yet,Copy !req
214. but your life is about
to cease to exist.Copy !req
215. What are you talking about?Copy !req
216. I am going to kill
one of your ancestors,Copy !req
217. effectively erasing you
from history!Copy !req
218. Here! Play with this!Copy !req
219. At least you can spend
your final momentsCopy !req
220. doing something you enjoy.Copy !req
221. You know, it's funny, I had
actually stopped playingCopy !req
222. with that toy, but now that
I see you with it,Copy !req
223. I kinda want to play
with it again.Copy !req
224. Look at me! I'm mowing the lawn!Copy !req
225. What the hell's
all that noise?Copy !req
226. Brian, it was Bertram!Copy !req
227. He's gone into the past,Copy !req
228. and he claims he's
going to...Copy !req
229. Stewie, what's going on?Copy !req
230. Peter, what was that?Copy !req
231. Quick, Brian, into
the time machine!Copy !req
232. Stewie, what the hell
was that?Copy !req
233. Those were ripples
in time, Brian,Copy !req
234. emanating from some
point in the past.Copy !req
235. And there's only
one explanation.Copy !req
236. Bertram told me he planned
to kill one of my ancestors.Copy !req
237. He must have succeeded,Copy !req
238. thereby changing the
past and erasing... me.Copy !req
239. But what has that got
to do with...?Copy !req
240. I created the universe, Brian!Copy !req
241. Bertram didn't know that by
removing me from history,Copy !req
242. I wouldn't be there to be
accidentally thrown outsideCopy !req
243. the universe and subsequently
create it.Copy !req
244. So the universe never existed!Copy !req
245. Well, we have
to stop him!Copy !req
246. Yes. Unfortunately, Bertram
took the return pad with him,Copy !req
247. so we'll only get
one shot at this.Copy !req
248. Ah, here it is.Copy !req
249. Now we'll have to
travel back in timeCopy !req
250. to a point shortly before
Bertram's arrival.Copy !req
251. Get ready, Brian.Copy !req
252. How long until
Bertram arrives?Copy !req
253. I can't be certain, but
I'd say about 15 minutes.Copy !req
254. Where do you
think we are?Copy !req
255. I don't know.Copy !req
256. Looks like...
the Renaissance.Copy !req
257. It does.Copy !req
258. This doesn't count
as our trip to Italy.Copy !req
259. Brian, look!
There's the Mona Lisa.Copy !req
260. And it's unfinished!Copy !req
261. We must be in Leonardo da Vinci's studio!Copy !req
262. Quick! Someone's coming!Copy !req
263. That must be Leonardo da Vinci!Copy !req
264. Stewie, he looks
just like you!Copy !req
265. Da Vinci must be
my ancestor.Copy !req
266. Good Lord!Copy !req
267. That's who Bertram's
here to kill!Copy !req
268. So that means
you're Italian.Copy !req
269. Of course!Copy !req
270. My love for SpaghettiOs
and smoking on the toilet.Copy !req
271. It all makes sense.Copy !req
272. Ew.Copy !req
273. My God, da Vinci
is your ancestor!Copy !req
274. But why would
Bertram go backCopy !req
275. this far
to get rid of you?Copy !req
276. Ah, you're forgetting I
initially encountered BertramCopy !req
277. as a sperm in one
of the fat man's balls,Copy !req
278. so he couldn't get rid
of the fat manCopy !req
279. or any recent ancestor
on my father's side.Copy !req
280. Bertram had to go back
enough generationsCopy !req
281. to make sure he
was snuffing outCopy !req
282. the ancestral source
of my geniusCopy !req
283. without affecting his own.Copy !req
284. And apparently, it's
Leonardo da Vinci.Copy !req
285. Boy, I'm-a sick of da pizza.Copy !req
286. Well, we've gotta stop Bertram.
What are we gonna do?Copy !req
287. Don't worry, Brian,
I'll come up with something.Copy !req
288. Remember, I'm a genius.Copy !req
289. Like Thomas Edison.Copy !req
290. Thomas, what are
you doing?Copy !req
291. Experimenting.Copy !req
292. Brian, look!Copy !req
293. Mama mia!
What is this-a?Copy !req
294. Leonardo da Vinci, I presume.Copy !req
295. Who are you-a,
little-a lisping baby?Copy !req
296. Your assassin,
you overrated caricaturist!Copy !req
297. Stewie!Copy !req
298. That's my name,
don't wear it out.Copy !req
299. See, that's
brand-new to him.Copy !req
300. Ey!Copy !req
301. Ey!Copy !req
302. You're about to be yesterday's
hopscotch chalkCopy !req
303. on a sidewalk, Stewie!Copy !req
304. Erased!Copy !req
305. Yeah, no, I-I got
the metaphor,Copy !req
306. but, Bertram, if
you erase me,Copy !req
307. you'll destroy
the universe!Copy !req
308. What are you talking about?Copy !req
309. Listen to him, Bertram!
It's true!Copy !req
310. Brian and I were trapped outside
the space-time continuumCopy !req
311. and the only way for usCopy !req
312. to get back was to overload
my old return pad!Copy !req
313. The resulting explosion
was the big bang!Copy !req
314. So if you kill me,
you're killing yourselfCopy !req
315. and everything else that ever
existed or will exist!Copy !req
316. Worth it!Copy !req
317. You fool!Copy !req
318. Hey, Bertram,Copy !req
319. what's your favorite kind
of bottled water?Copy !req
320. Huh?Copy !req
321. Mine's Arrowhead.Copy !req
322. Wow, that was...Copy !req
323. dramatic.Copy !req
324. My God, he's really dead.Copy !req
325. This is it.Copy !req
326. Yeah.Copy !req
327. But why hasn't the universe
ceased to exist?Copy !req
328. I don't know.Copy !req
329. Unless...Copy !req
330. there's still a chance
of me being born.Copy !req
331. But da Vinci is dead...Copy !req
332. Yes, but we're still here.Copy !req
333. So I must have done, or will do,Copy !req
334. something that will save
the universe.Copy !req
335. If I can just figure out
what that is.Copy !req
336. Oh! Bertram just
voided his bowels.Copy !req
337. That's it!Copy !req
338. The genetic material needed
for my creation is inside me.Copy !req
339. So I'll take da Vinci's place
and pass it on.Copy !req
340. Wait, how did you get
that from "bowels"? Huh?Copy !req
341. I'm just wondering how
you got that from...Copy !req
342. You know what?
I don't care.Copy !req
343. Will, will that
work, though?Copy !req
344. You taking
da Vinci's place?Copy !req
345. Only one way to find out.Copy !req
346. All right, I'm going
to send you back five minutesCopy !req
347. after we disappeared
in the time machine.Copy !req
348. If all goes well,Copy !req
349. the universe should be
intact this time.Copy !req
350. Good luck, old friend.Copy !req
351. Hopefully, I'll be leaving you
a future to return to.Copy !req
352. I'm gonna miss you, Stewie.Copy !req
353. Good luck.Copy !req
354. You did it, Stewie.Copy !req
355. You did it.Copy !req
356. Uh... can I help you?Copy !req
357. Are you Brian Griffin?Copy !req
358. Yes.Copy !req
359. I'm-a from the Vatican,
and this is for you.Copy !req
360. What is it?Copy !req
361. The Vatican has been
holding this note for youCopy !req
362. for about 500 years.Copy !req
363. It was left to us by
Leonardo da Vinci himself,Copy !req
364. with instructions
that it be deliveredCopy !req
365. to you on this exact-a
date at this exact-a time.Copy !req
366. Dear Brian,Copy !req
367. It's been a week
since you left,Copy !req
368. and I'm pretty sure I've set
things right.Copy !req
369. So I've built a cryogenic
stasis device,Copy !req
370. and am placing myself inside
it, leaving instructions for itCopy !req
371. to be buried
in very specific coordinatesCopy !req
372. in what will be future Quahog.Copy !req
373. If everything goes according
to plan,Copy !req
374. I will have spent
the next 500 yearsCopy !req
375. buried beneath our basement.Copy !req
376. Oh, my God!Copy !req
377. A tip is-a customary!Copy !req
378. Stewie!Copy !req
379. Stewie! Stewie, you okay?Copy !req
380. You gotta
kiss him to wake him up.Copy !req
381. What?
I'm not gonna kiss you.Copy !req
382. Stewie can't hear you.
He's not awake.Copy !req
383. Only a kiss will wake him up.Copy !req
384. Well, I better get Meg.Copy !req
385. Oh, oh, oh, where am I?
Wha...?Copy !req
386. Stewie, what the hell happened?Copy !req
387. Oh, well, shortly
after you left,Copy !req
388. da Vinci's girlfriend
showed up,Copy !req
389. so I injected her
with my DNA.Copy !req
390. You had sex?Copy !req
391. No, I put my DNA
inside her.Copy !req
392. Right. You had sex.Copy !req
393. No, what are
you not getting?Copy !req
394. I put a sample of my
DNA in a syringeCopy !req
395. and I injected her
on the staircase,Copy !req
396. the couch and
the balcony.Copy !req
397. Well, whatever
the case, thank God.Copy !req
398. Yeah, I know. Oh, hey,Copy !req
399. I brought you something
from da Vinci's workshop.Copy !req
400. A candle?
I can get a candle now.Copy !req
401. You couldn't have grabbed me
one of his original notebooks?Copy !req
402. You know, I didn't have
to bring you back anything.Copy !req
403. It's almost like
you didn't.Copy !req