1. Okay, Brian,
I'm goin' to the IGA.Copy !req
2. Don't let Peter
get into the cookie dough.Copy !req
3. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
4. Uh, Brian?Copy !req
5. I'm just gonna go
into the kitchen and...Copy !req
6. look at somethin'.Copy !req
7. Peter, I know
what you're doing.Copy !req
8. I'm just gonna
look at somethin'.Copy !req
9. Oh! What a very
interesting thing.Copy !req
10. Brian, can I give you money
and you write me a checkCopy !req
11. so I can order something fromCopy !req
12. this Abercrombie & Fitch
catalog?Copy !req
13. What do you want to order?
Oh, wait, let me guess.Copy !req
14. Him.Copy !req
15. He got you, Stewie!Copy !req
16. Well, um, if
it were you...Copy !req
17. You-you would take the magazine
and you'd put it on the floorCopy !req
18. and pee on it 'cause you're
a dog and you're stupid,Copy !req
19. and-and you have a weird
toenail halfway up your elbow.Copy !req
20. Nice comeback.Copy !req
21. Geez, that one
was all over the place.Copy !req
22. I should have been
quicker than that.Copy !req
23. I should've said, "Really?Copy !req
24. Why would I order
your ex-boyfriend?"Copy !req
25. And then I'd go like this.Copy !req
26. Aw, that's so good!Copy !req
27. Why didn't I say that?Copy !req
28. If only I had a time machine,Copy !req
29. I could go back in time
and have that comeback ready.Copy !req
30. Wait a minute.Copy !req
31. I do have a time machine!Copy !req
32. Brian, can I give you moneyCopy !req
33. and you write me a check
so I can order somethingCopy !req
34. from this Abercrombie
& Fitch catalog?Copy !req
35. What do you want to order?
Oh, wait, let me guess:Copy !req
36. Him.
Really?Copy !req
37. Why would I order
your ex-boyfriend?Copy !req
38. He got you, Brian!Copy !req
39. Why didn't I think
of this before?Copy !req
40. Now I can always have
the last word.Copy !req
41. Like that ground control guy
during the moon landing.Copy !req
42. That's one small step for man,Copy !req
43. one giant leap for mankind.Copy !req
44. Roger that, Neil.Copy !req
45. We came in peace for
all the peoples of the Earth.Copy !req
46. We read you, Neil.Copy !req
47. We chose to go to the moon,Copy !req
48. not because it is easy,
but because it is hard.Copy !req
49. Had a lot of
help down here, Neil.Copy !req
50. We have slipped
the surly bonds of EarthCopy !req
51. and touched the face of God.Copy !req
52. Yeah, if you could justCopy !req
53. grab some rocks, Neil,
throw 'em in a bag,Copy !req
54. we'll get you home
safe and sound.Copy !req
55. This is silly fun.Copy !req
56. I can go back in time and change
anything in Brian's life.Copy !req
57. Aw, don't feel
bad, Peter.Copy !req
58. Hey, I know what'll
cheer you up.Copy !req
59. Hey, where the hell's
my banana thing?Copy !req
60. Oh... Oh, my God.Copy !req
61. Oh, Stewie, that
is so funny!Copy !req
62. Oh... I did not
see that comin'!Copy !req
63. But... that was my thing.Copy !req
64. I'm pretty sure it was
the Internet's thing.Copy !req
65. Hey, you remember
a few months agoCopy !req
66. when you scored that date with
that Victoria's Secret modelCopy !req
67. and then ended up
sealing the deal?Copy !req
68. Oh, yeah. That was amazing.Copy !req
69. What was the date of that?Copy !req
70. August 15th.
August 15th!
You betcha!Copy !req
71. Now, I have to
leave enough time...Copy !req
72. Talking to yourself?Copy !req
73. Gyah...! Brian, Brian!
Hello!Copy !req
74. Stewie, I know you've been going
back in time to embarrass me.Copy !req
75. Oh, what-what,
that... come on!Copy !req
76. Oh, okay, then-then
where are you going now?Copy !req
77. Well, I have a-a-a very
important mission.Copy !req
78. Come on,
let me see that!
Don't...Copy !req
79. Move out of the way!
No, you can't...Copy !req
80. I'm not gonna
let you do this...
You just touched my boob.Copy !req
81. I'm gonna tell Mom.Copy !req
82. What happened?Copy !req
83. Where are we?
I don't know.Copy !req
84. It's like...
we're not anywhere.Copy !req
85. Stewie, what the hell
did your machine do?Copy !req
86. Just calm down,
calm down, Brian.Copy !req
87. I've got the return pad.Copy !req
88. All right, step on.Copy !req
89. What happened?Copy !req
90. Good Lord!Copy !req
91. This is impossible!Copy !req
92. What?
Well, the
return pad worksCopy !req
93. by first locking onto
our coordinatesCopy !req
94. along the curve of the
space-time continuum.Copy !req
95. But it can't.
Why not?Copy !req
96. Well, the only explanation is...Copy !req
97. we've somehow been transportedCopy !req
98. outside the space-time
continuum.Copy !req
99. I don't-I don't understand.Copy !req
100. Non-existence.Copy !req
101. No past, no future.Copy !req
102. No universe.Copy !req
103. But still
somehow a large,Copy !req
104. brightly-colored promo
for The Cleveland Show.Copy !req
105. Hey, y'all,
it's The Cleveland Show!Copy !req
106. Huh. That's weird.Copy !req
107. Black guys usually
don't promote themselves.Copy !req
108. Come on, Stewie, can you
fix that damn thing or not?Copy !req
109. Well, it's not
broken, Brian.Copy !req
110. It operates according
to the laws of physics,Copy !req
111. but we're outside the
space-time continuum,Copy !req
112. so there are no laws
of physics— watch.Copy !req
113. How the hell'd
you do that?Copy !req
114. No laws of physics, Brian.Copy !req
115. We create our own physics.Copy !req
116. See, watch this.Copy !req
117. Did I tell you?Copy !req
118. Yeah, that was good.
We were good.Copy !req
119. Yeah, th-that's why it
sucks that we're alone here.Copy !req
120. Because if-if-if
there were people here,Copy !req
121. they would say,
"That was good.Copy !req
122. You guys should
do that more."Copy !req
123. Oh, yeah, they totally
would, but look-look,Copy !req
124. I still want to
go home, Stewie.Copy !req
125. How do we get
outta here?Copy !req
126. Well, if I overload
the return pad's reactor,Copy !req
127. it might release enough energyCopy !req
128. to blow us back into the
universe, but it's too risky.Copy !req
129. But it could
get us home?Copy !req
130. Well, maybe, but
it'll break my thing.Copy !req
131. And if I overload that reactor,
we could both die.Copy !req
132. Well, you at least
have to try.Copy !req
133. And if you don't, I am gonna
spend the rest of eternityCopy !req
134. chuckling at a joke that
I am not gonna share with you.Copy !req
135. Oh, oh, man.Copy !req
136. What? What's the joke?Copy !req
137. Oh, yes!Copy !req
138. What? What is it?
You-you can't say that!Copy !req
139. But it got said!Copy !req
140. Wha-what? What?
By who?Copy !req
141. All right, fine, fine!Copy !req
142. I'll try it,
you bastard!Copy !req
143. Now, step onto
the return pad.Copy !req
144. Now brace yourself.Copy !req
145. Hopefully, the explosion
will propel us into reality.Copy !req
146. We made it.
Yeah, we made it.Copy !req
147. It's just this bit about
a planned parenthood clinicCopy !req
148. on Halloween.Copy !req
149. Next.Copy !req
150. Brian, I am about to
show you somethingCopy !req
151. that's gonna
blow your mind!Copy !req
152. Do you know what the
big bang theory is?Copy !req
153. Yeah, the theory that
the universe startedCopy !req
154. with a massive outward explosionCopy !req
155. from a singularity of infinite
mass and infinite density.Copy !req
156. Check out the big brain
on Brian.Copy !req
157. Good. Now, take a look.Copy !req
158. The universe's cosmic
background radiation,Copy !req
159. a kind of echo
of the big bang,Copy !req
160. precisely matches the energy
spectrum of my return pad!Copy !req
161. Well, what does
that mean?Copy !req
162. It means my return pad's
explosion was the big bang.Copy !req
163. But the big bang happened, like,
billions of years ago.Copy !req
164. No, no— we were outside
the space-time continuum.Copy !req
165. Time and space didn't
exist until my explosion.Copy !req
166. Which means I created
the universe, Brian.Copy !req
167. That doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
168. You were born in the universe.
How could you create it?Copy !req
169. It's called a "temporal
causality loop."Copy !req
170. The universe created me,
so I could create it,Copy !req
171. so it could create
me and so on.Copy !req
172. That's...Copy !req
173. that's the most incredible
thing I've ever heard.Copy !req
174. So, wait, that-that
means that...Copy !req
175. I kinda created
the universe, too.Copy !req
176. No, no, no, no.Copy !req
177. You're, you're sort of the
Art Garfunkel of the universe.Copy !req
178. Hey, Lois, check out what I
spelled with my Alpha-Bits.Copy !req
179. Oh, my God.Copy !req
180. Yeah! Now watch.Copy !req
181. Oh, maybe later,Copy !req
182. you'll want
the real thing.Copy !req
183. I prefer the Alpha-Bits.Copy !req
184. Well, I'm off
to the farmers' market.Copy !req
185. I've gotta pick up some
plutonium for a new return pad.Copy !req
186. In case I decide to make
another universe later.Copy !req
187. Plutonium at the
farmers' market?Copy !req
188. Yeah, I'm only using
organic plutonium now.Copy !req
189. Think globally:
buy locally.Copy !req
190. Hey, slut,
get me out of this.Copy !req
191. Hello there, Yusuf.
Hey, Stewie!Copy !req
192. What can I get you?Copy !req
193. Oh, just a little
of the good stuffCopy !req
194. for a new time machine
return pad.Copy !req
195. Coming right up.Copy !req
196. So, how's the whole
terrorism thing goin'?Copy !req
197. Well, the good news is
my son died in a car bombing.Copy !req
198. The bad news is
he borrowed my car!Copy !req
199. Oh, God!Copy !req
200. Oh, that's
the other reason I come here.Copy !req
201. Okay, so here
is your plutonium.Copy !req
202. I hope you kill
my bitch wife with it.Copy !req
203. Whoa, whoa. Where's
that comin' from?Copy !req
204. Eh, I'm just a little upset
because she left me.Copy !req
205. I guess she didn't know
what "jihad."Copy !req
206. Come on!
Oh, sorry!Copy !req
207. So...Copy !req
208. Stewie Griffin invented
a time machine.Copy !req
209. Bertram!Copy !req
210. Hello, Stewie.Copy !req
211. You don't realize it yet,Copy !req
212. but your life is about
to cease to exist.Copy !req
213. What are you talking about?Copy !req
214. I am going to kill
one of your ancestors,Copy !req
215. effectively erasing you
from history!Copy !req
216. Here! Play with this!Copy !req
217. At least you can spend
your final momentsCopy !req
218. doing something you enjoy.Copy !req
219. You know, it's funny, I had
actually stopped playingCopy !req
220. with that toy, but now that
I see you with it,Copy !req
221. I kinda want to play
with it again.Copy !req
222. Look at me! I'm mowing the lawn!Copy !req
223. What the hell's
all that noise?Copy !req
224. Brian, it was Bertram!Copy !req
225. He's gone into the past,Copy !req
226. and he claims he's
going to...Copy !req
227. Stewie, what's going on?Copy !req
228. Peter, what was that?Copy !req
229. Quick, Brian, into
the time machine!Copy !req
230. Stewie, what the hell
was that?Copy !req
231. Those were ripples
in time, Brian,Copy !req
232. emanating from some
point in the past.Copy !req
233. And there's only
one explanation.Copy !req
234. Bertram told me he planned
to kill one of my ancestors.Copy !req
235. He must have succeeded,Copy !req
236. thereby changing the
past and erasing... me.Copy !req
237. But what has that got
to do with...?Copy !req
238. I created the universe, Brian!Copy !req
239. Bertram didn't know that by
removing me from history,Copy !req
240. I wouldn't be there to be
accidentally thrown outsideCopy !req
241. the universe and subsequently
create it.Copy !req
242. So the universe never existed!Copy !req
243. Well, we have
to stop him!Copy !req
244. Yes. Unfortunately,
Bertram took the
return pad with him,Copy !req
245. so we'll only get
one shot at this.Copy !req
246. Ah, here it is.Copy !req
247. Now we'll have to
travel back in timeCopy !req
248. to a point shortly before
Bertram's arrival.Copy !req
249. Get ready, Brian.Copy !req
250. How long until
Bertram arrives?Copy !req
251. I can't be certain, but
I'd say about 15 minutes.Copy !req
252. Where do you
think we are?Copy !req
253. I don't know.Copy !req
254. Looks like...
the Renaissance.Copy !req
255. It does.Copy !req
256. This doesn't count
as our trip to Italy.Copy !req
257. Brian, look!
There's the Mona Lisa.Copy !req
258. And it's unfinished!Copy !req
259. We must be in Leonardo
da Vinci's studio!Copy !req
260. Quick! Someone's coming!Copy !req
261. That must be Leonardo da Vinci!Copy !req
262. Stewie, he looks
just like you!Copy !req
263. Da Vinci must be
my ancestor.Copy !req
264. Good Lord!Copy !req
265. That's who Bertram's
here to kill!Copy !req
266. So that means
you're Italian.Copy !req
267. Of course!Copy !req
268. My love for SpaghettiOs
and smoking on the toilet.Copy !req
269. It all makes sense.Copy !req
270. Ew.Copy !req
271. My God, da Vinci
is your ancestor!Copy !req
272. But why would
Bertram go backCopy !req
273. this far
to get rid of you?Copy !req
274. Ah, you're forgetting I
initially encountered BertramCopy !req
275. as a sperm in one
of the fat man's balls,Copy !req
276. so he couldn't get rid
of the fat manCopy !req
277. or any recent ancestor
on my father's side.Copy !req
278. Bertram had to go back
enough generationsCopy !req
279. to make sure he
was snuffing outCopy !req
280. the ancestral source
of my geniusCopy !req
281. without affecting his own.Copy !req
282. And apparently, it's
Leonardo da Vinci.Copy !req
283. Boy, I'm-a sick of da pizza.Copy !req
284. Well, we've gotta stop Bertram.
What are we gonna do?Copy !req
285. Don't worry, Brian,
I'll come up with something.Copy !req
286. Remember, I'm a genius.Copy !req
287. Like Thomas Edison.Copy !req
288. Thomas, what are
you doing?Copy !req
289. Experimenting.Copy !req
290. Brian, look!Copy !req
291. Mama mia!
What is this-a?Copy !req
292. Leonardo da Vinci, I presume.Copy !req
293. Who are you-a,
little-a lisping baby?Copy !req
294. Your assassin,
you overrated caricaturist!Copy !req
295. Stewie!Copy !req
296. That's my name,
don't wear it out.Copy !req
297. See, that's
brand-new to him.Copy !req
298. Ey!Copy !req
299. Ey!Copy !req
300. You're about to be yesterday's
hopscotch chalkCopy !req
301. on a sidewalk, Stewie!Copy !req
302. Erased!Copy !req
303. Yeah, no, I-I got
the metaphor,Copy !req
304. but, Bertram, if
you erase me,Copy !req
305. you'll destroy
the universe!Copy !req
306. What are you talking about?Copy !req
307. Listen to him, Bertram!
It's true!Copy !req
308. Brian and I were trapped outside
the space-time continuumCopy !req
309. and the only way for usCopy !req
310. to get back was to overload
my old return pad!Copy !req
311. The resulting explosion
was the big bang!Copy !req
312. So if you kill me,
you're killing yourselfCopy !req
313. and everything else that ever
existed or will exist!Copy !req
314. Worth it!Copy !req
315. You fool!Copy !req
316. Hey, Bertram,Copy !req
317. what's your favorite kind
of bottled water?Copy !req
318. Huh?Copy !req
319. Mine's Arrowhead.Copy !req
320. Wow, that was...Copy !req
321. dramatic.Copy !req
322. My God, he's really dead.Copy !req
323. This is it.Copy !req
324. Yeah.Copy !req
325. But why hasn't the universe
ceased to exist?Copy !req
326. I don't know.Copy !req
327. Unless...Copy !req
328. there's still a chance
of me being born.Copy !req
329. But da Vinci is dead...Copy !req
330. Yes, but we're still here.Copy !req
331. So I must have done, or will do,Copy !req
332. something that will save
the universe.Copy !req
333. If I can just figure out
what that is.Copy !req
334. Oh! Bertram just
voided his bowels.Copy !req
335. That's it!Copy !req
336. The genetic material needed
for my creation is inside me.Copy !req
337. So I'll take da Vinci's place
and pass it on.Copy !req
338. Wait, how did you get
that from "bowels"?
Huh?Copy !req
339. I'm just wondering how
you got that from...Copy !req
340. You know what?
I don't care.Copy !req
341. Will, will that
work, though?Copy !req
342. You taking
da Vinci's place?Copy !req
343. Only one way to find out.Copy !req
344. All right, I'm going
to send you back five minutesCopy !req
345. after we disappeared
in the time machine.Copy !req
346. If all goes well,Copy !req
347. the universe should be
intact this time.Copy !req
348. Good luck, old friend.Copy !req
349. Hopefully, I'll be leaving you
a future to return to.Copy !req
350. I'm gonna miss you, Stewie.Copy !req
351. Good luck.Copy !req
352. You did it, Stewie.Copy !req
353. You did it.Copy !req
354. Uh... can I help you?Copy !req
355. Are you Brian Griffin?Copy !req
356. Yes.Copy !req
357. I'm-a from the Vatican,
and this is for you.Copy !req
358. What is it?Copy !req
359. The Vatican has been
holding this note for youCopy !req
360. for about 500 years.Copy !req
361. It was left to us by
Leonardo da Vinci himself,Copy !req
362. with instructions
that it be deliveredCopy !req
363. to you on this exact-a
date at this exact-a time.Copy !req
364. Dear Brian,Copy !req
365. It's been a week
since you left,Copy !req
366. and I'm pretty sure I've set
things right.Copy !req
367. So I've built a cryogenic
stasis device,Copy !req
368. and am placing myself inside
it, leaving instructions for itCopy !req
369. to be buried
in very specific coordinatesCopy !req
370. in what will be future Quahog.Copy !req
371. If everything goes according
to plan,Copy !req
372. I will have spent
the next 500 yearsCopy !req
373. buried beneath our basement.Copy !req
374. Oh, my God!Copy !req
375. A tip is-a customary!Copy !req
376. Stewie!Copy !req
377. Stewie! Stewie, you okay?Copy !req
378. You gotta
kiss him to wake him up.Copy !req
379. What?
I'm not gonna kiss you.Copy !req
380. Stewie can't hear you.
He's not awake.Copy !req
381. Only a kiss will wake him up.Copy !req
382. Well, I better get Meg.Copy !req
383. Oh, oh, oh, where am I?
Wha...?Copy !req
384. Stewie, what the hell happened?Copy !req
385. Oh, well, shortly
after you left,Copy !req
386. da Vinci's girlfriend
showed up,Copy !req
387. so I injected her
with my DNA.Copy !req
388. You had sex?Copy !req
389. No, I put my DNA
inside her.Copy !req
390. Right. You had sex.Copy !req
391. No, what are
you not getting?Copy !req
392. I put a sample of my
DNA in a syringeCopy !req
393. and I injected her
on the staircase,Copy !req
394. the couch and
the balcony.Copy !req
395. Well, whatever
the case, thank God.Copy !req
396. Yeah, I know. Oh, hey,Copy !req
397. I brought you something
from da Vinci's workshop.Copy !req
398. A candle?
I can get a candle now.Copy !req
399. You couldn't have
grabbed me one of his
original notebooks?Copy !req
400. You know, I didn't have
to bring you back anything.Copy !req
401. It's almost like
you didn't.Copy !req