1. (slurring): We interrupt this
program because I have hadCopy !req
2. kind of a crap day,Copy !req
3. and I know all the station
passwords to do it.Copy !req
4. So, smell that finger, Quahog!Copy !req
5. Ooh, a drunk news report
from Tom Tucker.Copy !req
6. We haven't had one of those
since they canceled Passions.Copy !req
7. This should be good.Copy !req
8. Okay, our top story tonight: a
local car dealer has announcedCopy !req
9. a "Hands On A Hard Body"
promotion in whichCopy !req
10. a used dirt bike will be rewar-
awarded to the one customerCopy !req
11. who can successfully outlast
his competitors.Copy !req
12. And, and in other news,
they're bringing back Passions!Copy !req
13. Yes, they are!Copy !req
14. Holy crap!
A dirt bike!Copy !req
15. That's awesome!Copy !req
16. Lois, I'm gonna win
that thing!Copy !req
17. Peter, why would you want
a used dirt bikeCopy !req
18. when you already
have a car?Copy !req
19. Because this is 1978, Lois,Copy !req
20. and dirt bikes have
never been hotter.Copy !req
21. Besides, I get one
of those things,Copy !req
22. it's gonna be a buffet
of beave.Copy !req
23. Mmm, I don't know.
Seems stupid to me.Copy !req
24. Thanks to all of you for coming
out today.Copy !req
25. In just a minute, we'll beginCopy !req
26. our "Hands On A Hard Body"
contest.Copy !req
27. And the lucky one of you who can
keep his or her hand onCopy !req
28. this dirt bike for the longest
amount of timeCopy !req
29. will get to take it home!Copy !req
30. (all cheer)
Yeah, all right! Yeah!Copy !req
31. Okay, everyone who wants to win
this dirt bike,Copy !req
32. come on up and put a hand on it!Copy !req
33. (all cheering)
All right!Copy !req
34. Mr. Pewterschmidt?
What are you doin' here?Copy !req
35. You want
a used dirt bike?Copy !req
36. Oh, not at all. But Lois told
me how much you wanted it.Copy !req
37. So I decided to win it
for myselfCopy !req
38. just so I could destroy
it in front of you.Copy !req
39. And the clock starts...Copy !req
40. now!Copy !req
41. How are you gonna destroy
a dirt bike?Copy !req
42. You can't even open
your own aspirin.Copy !req
43. With that.Copy !req
44. Aw, damn it!Copy !req
45. Ooh! Our first hand off
the dirt bike!Copy !req
46. Huh. I guess you're out,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.Copy !req
47. Well, I already paid
for that thing.Copy !req
48. So I'm just
gonna stick aroundCopy !req
49. and smash other
stuff you like.Copy !req
50. Hey, fat ass, you like, um...Copy !req
51. you like, uh...Copy !req
52. this-this bus bench?Copy !req
53. Uh, I, it's okay.Copy !req
54. All right, that's good enough
for me. I'm smashing it!Copy !req
55. Ha-ha! You loved that thing.Copy !req
56. Amazing!Copy !req
57. Nine hours with no break!Copy !req
58. Who's gonna win this thing?Copy !req
59. You might as well give up now,
Mr. Mayor.Copy !req
60. This dirt bike is mine.Copy !req
61. Like heck, it is!Copy !req
62. Hey, check your phone.Copy !req
63. Why?Copy !req
64. I just sent you a picture
of a kitten in sunglasses.Copy !req
65. Well, this I gotta see!Copy !req
66. Hello, cool kitty.Copy !req
67. Oh...!Copy !req
68. And we have a winner!Copy !req
69. Aw, darn it.Copy !req
70. Well, I guess
I'll just disappearCopy !req
71. into that field of corn.Copy !req
72. Help! I'm lost in corn!Copy !req
73. Hey, where's Peter?Copy !req
74. I don't know.
I haven't heard from him
since he left work.Copy !req
75. Hope you made extra.
I brought a guest.Copy !req
76. What the hell? Who is this?Copy !req
77. This is my dirt bike girlfriend.Copy !req
78. Amber.Copy !req
79. I'm a dirt bike guy now,Copy !req
80. so I need a dirt bike
girlfriend.Copy !req
81. Yes, she has small breasts,Copy !req
82. but she makes up
for it by smoking.Copy !req
83. Peter, she has to leave.Copy !req
84. We're havin' dinner.Copy !req
85. No, Lois! I will not allow you
to look down on AmberCopy !req
86. just 'cause she goes to an
alternative high school!Copy !req
87. There's different ways
to measure intelligenceCopy !req
88. besides someone's
grade-point average!Copy !req
89. Fact is, she rumpled up some
poetry she wroteCopy !req
90. and threw it away in a fit,Copy !req
91. but I un-rumpled it,
and it was really good!Copy !req
92. (sighs) Fine.
Amber, would you like to haveCopy !req
93. some dinner with our family?Copy !req
94. Nah, I can't.Copy !req
95. I got a wicked bruise on
the back of my throat.Copy !req
96. Ladies and gentlemen, please
rise for our national anthem,Copy !req
97. performed this afternoon by
Peter Griffin and his dirt bike.Copy !req
98. There it is, Meg.Copy !req
99. What do you say
we take it for a spin?Copy !req
100. Chris, get off there.Copy !req
101. You shouldn't
be sitting on that.Copy !req
102. Come on.Copy !req
103. That's fake.Copy !req
104. Come on, Meg, just get on!Copy !req
105. Hey, Meg, check it out.Copy !req
106. I'm gonna jump
that fire hydrant.Copy !req
107. Chris, don't!
You're gonna wreck Dad's bike!Copy !req
108. Too late, I already
narrowed my eyes.Copy !req
109. Chris, you idiot!
Look at what you did!Copy !req
110. You mean look what two black
teenagers didCopy !req
111. when they stole Dad's bike.Copy !req
112. What were you
kids thinking?Copy !req
113. You could have
been killed!Copy !req
114. It was Chris' idea.
He talked me into it.Copy !req
115. Is that right?Copy !req
116. So you like taking
dirt bikesCopy !req
117. that don't belong
to you, huh?Copy !req
118. Then here, have
a whole carton
of cigarettes!Copy !req
119. W-what?Copy !req
120. Peter, that's not what
this is about.Copy !req
121. See how you like 'em!Copy !req
122. Here, I'll even
get you started.Copy !req
123. Dad, I don't smoke.Copy !req
124. Sure, you don't now.
But keep at it.Copy !req
125. You'll get the hang of it.Copy !req
126. By the end of that pack,Copy !req
127. you'll be smoking
like a real pro.
Like a cool kid.Copy !req
128. There, that's it.Copy !req
129. Gettin' smoother,
isn't it?Copy !req
130. Yeah.
Oh, yeah!Copy !req
131. Wait till you try it
after a meal. Delicious!Copy !req
132. And after sex?
Forget about it.Copy !req
133. It's like puttin' your penis
to sleep in a feather bed.Copy !req
134. I think I may want
more cigarettes.Copy !req
135. Oh, I'll get you more
cigarettes.Copy !req
136. But I'm pretty mad
about my dirt bike!Copy !req
137. Kids, I'm sorry to say this,Copy !req
138. but I think the two of you need
to be punished.Copy !req
139. Look, it was
an accident, okay?Copy !req
140. I mean, you can always buy
another one, right?Copy !req
141. Buy another one?Copy !req
142. You know, I don't think
you kids appreciateCopy !req
143. how hard your father
and I workCopy !req
144. to provide you with
everything we do.Copy !req
145. Sometimes you just seem
to take us for granted.Copy !req
146. You know, it's very
difficult bein' a parent.Copy !req
147. No, it's not.Copy !req
148. You get to do
anything you want.Copy !req
149. And you get to make
all the rules.Copy !req
150. Damn right I do,
'cause I make the money!Copy !req
151. I'm the big...
Mamou around here!Copy !req
152. Now, w-w-when you start bringin'
in a paycheckCopy !req
153. and providin' for this family,
then you can make the rules!Copy !req
154. Well, I'd do a better
job of it than you!Copy !req
155. Oh, you think so, huh?Copy !req
156. Well, maybe you'd like
to try it for a little while.Copy !req
157. You be the adults!Copy !req
158. What do you mean?Copy !req
159. I mean, maybe we try
a little experiment.Copy !req
160. You kids switch places
with your dad and me.Copy !req
161. For the next week, you'll be the
parents and we'll be the kids.Copy !req
162. Seriously?
Yeah, that'd be awesome!Copy !req
163. That sounds great!Copy !req
164. That's a great idea, Lois.
Crisscross!Copy !req
165. Yes, that is
a Crisscross.Copy !req
166. Yes!Copy !req
167. So we got a deal?Copy !req
168. Yeah, we got a deal.Copy !req
169. Face/Off!Copy !req
170. No, Peter.Copy !req
171. Road House.Copy !req
172. Here's your breakfast, Lois.Copy !req
173. Thank you, Mom.Copy !req
174. Wh-wh-what is,
what is this?Copy !req
175. What's goin' on?Copy !req
176. Oh, apparently,
Chris and Meg are
switching placesCopy !req
177. with Peter and Lois
for the week.Copy !req
178. Myah!Copy !req
179. Hey, Mom, do you mind
if I go shoppin'Copy !req
180. with Jennifer
after school?Copy !req
181. No, Peter, no, no,
you're still you.Copy !req
182. Y-you're just a teenager.Copy !req
183. You're not
switching genders.Copy !req
184. Ah. I shall return.Copy !req
185. Well, I'm off to work
at the brewery.Copy !req
186. Okay, have
a good day, honey.Copy !req
187. You know, Brian,
you and I should do...
No.Copy !req
188. Okay, it just,
it-it-it... it looked fun.Copy !req
189. All right, time to make
all those popular kids payCopy !req
190. for ignoring me!Copy !req
191. Peter, no, y-you're just
a normal high school kid.Copy !req
192. Oh.Copy !req
193. Hey, Lance,
it's off, it's off.Copy !req
194. It's off, it's off.Copy !req
195. Throw this phone
away, Lois!Copy !req
196. Griffin, did you finish
those reports I gave you?Copy !req
197. Right here, Angela.Copy !req
198. Wow. You know, I gotta say,
when your dad told meCopy !req
199. about this whole
"switching places" thing,Copy !req
200. I was kinda skeptical,Copy !req
201. but you're actually
doing good work.Copy !req
202. Well, it's a lot easier
than high school,Copy !req
203. I'll tell you that.Copy !req
204. Well, how do you mean?Copy !req
205. High school's like
Lord of the Flies.Copy !req
206. It's a social nightmare.Copy !req
207. And I-I hear Canadian high
schools are even worse.Copy !req
208. Well, well, look who
matriculated to grade nine.Copy !req
209. Someone wants
to get into university.Copy !req
210. Hey, guys, I'm sorry.Copy !req
211. Well, you're gonna be "sore-y"Copy !req
212. when we put you in
the hospital for free, eh?Copy !req
213. I don't know what the kids
are complainin' about.Copy !req
214. This ain't so bad.Copy !req
215. I know, this is fun.Copy !req
216. I haven't been
to a pep rally in years.Copy !req
217. Do you have school spirit?Copy !req
218. Yeah!Copy !req
219. Do you have school spirit?Copy !req
220. Yeah!Copy !req
221. Who's got
the most school spirit?Copy !req
222. I do!Copy !req
223. Show me
your school spirit!Copy !req
224. The players will remember
this while they're playing.Copy !req
225. Hey, Mom, where
the hell's dinner?Copy !req
226. I'm starving.Copy !req
227. Oh man, can you
imagine the disasterCopy !req
228. she's gonna
walk out here with?Copy !req
229. She has no idea how
hard it is to cook.Copy !req
230. Yeah, yeah, I bet— I bet
she comes out with just like—Copy !req
231. just like a poop
on a plate, right?Copy !req
232. Poop on a plate would be
good, because at leastCopy !req
233. there'd be traces
of my food still in there.Copy !req
234. Oh ho ho, snap! Snap! Snap!Copy !req
235. Hey, guys?Copy !req
236. Give her a (bleep)
chance, all right?Copy !req
237. Here it is, gang.Copy !req
238. Seared ahi tostadas,
grilled asparagus, couscous,Copy !req
239. and for dessert, molten
chocolate lava cake.Copy !req
240. Wait a minute.Copy !req
241. Meg, when did you find
the time to do all this?Copy !req
242. Oh, I had all day to do this.Copy !req
243. Mmm.Copy !req
244. Oh my God, this is delicious.Copy !req
245. Wh— what do you
mean "all day"?Copy !req
246. W-What about all
the housework?Copy !req
247. I did it in like an hour.
I don't understand whyCopy !req
248. you're such a freakin'
martyr all the time.Copy !req
249. It's a house.Copy !req
250. It's a finite area.Copy !req
251. I'm not cleaning a town.Copy !req
252. Hey, family, I'm home.Copy !req
253. Ooh, that smells fantastic.Copy !req
254. Hey, buddy, how was your first
day in the real world?Copy !req
255. It was actually really great.Copy !req
256. And Angela even told me
I might get a raiseCopy !req
257. for doing such a good job.Copy !req
258. Wow, guys, you hear that?Copy !req
259. A raise.Copy !req
260. Hmm, interesting.Copy !req
261. Seems like the kids
are doing pretty wellCopy !req
262. at this grown-up thing, huh?Copy !req
263. I would suggest
that you suck that.Copy !req
264. Wow, I am already
so stuffed.Copy !req
265. Guess I shouldn't have hadCopy !req
266. so many action figure
guns for lunch.Copy !req
267. Well, hello, you two.Copy !req
268. How's your little
experiment going?Copy !req
269. (sobbing):
Horrible.Copy !req
270. Three girls I don't care about
made me cry in the bathroom.Copy !req
271. Um, hey, you guys.Copy !req
272. I bet you Lois Griffin
doesn't make the track team,Copy !req
273. which is an important thing
in high school right now.Copy !req
274. Yeah, everyone who's
anyone is running trackCopy !req
275. at our high school right now.Copy !req
276. Yeah, and I bet she also doesn't
live on the south side of town,Copy !req
277. which is suddenly important.Copy !req
278. I hate your north side face.Copy !req
279. Lois, that's terrible.Copy !req
280. Yeah, my day was even worse.Copy !req
281. I got pegged by a
new form of spitball.Copy !req
282. Hey, get up,
you faker.Copy !req
283. It's just
a spitball.Copy !req
284. Hi, family, I'm home.Copy !req
285. Oh, Chris,
there you are.Copy !req
286. Good, now that
you're both here,Copy !req
287. your father and I have
something to say.Copy !req
288. Kids, we're callin' off
the experiment early.Copy !req
289. What? Why?Copy !req
290. Because you were right.Copy !req
291. Being a kid is a lot harder
than bein' an adult.Copy !req
292. High school sucks.
Everything sucks.Copy !req
293. So let's just put things
back the way they wereCopy !req
294. and just forget all
about this, all right?Copy !req
295. You kids go back to school,
Lois goes back to groceries,Copy !req
296. I go back to my job.Copy !req
297. That's not gonna
work out, Dad.Copy !req
298. Why not?Copy !req
299. 'Cause you don't have
a job anymore.Copy !req
300. What? Chris, what do you mean?Copy !req
301. Angela fired you
and hired me.Copy !req
302. She said I've been doing twice
as good a job as you did.Copy !req
303. So from now on, I'm the
breadwinner in this house.Copy !req
304. Hey, I forget. Were you
in for this or not?Copy !req
305. Chris, you are not
taking Peter's job.Copy !req
306. You're a 14-year-old boy,
and you belong in school.Copy !req
307. Why, so I can get
a job someday?Copy !req
308. I already have a job.Copy !req
309. Chris, we're not gonna
allow you to do this.Copy !req
310. I seem to remember
somebody sayingCopy !req
311. the breadwinner
makes the rules.Copy !req
312. Well, I'm the breadwinner.
And you know what?Copy !req
313. I like being a grown-up,
and I wanna stay this way.Copy !req
314. Well, Lois, practically
speaking,Copy !req
315. somebody's gotta pay
the bills around here.Copy !req
316. Seems like you don't
have a choiceCopy !req
317. but to let Chris work
at the breweryCopy !req
318. until Peter finds a new job.Copy !req
319. Well, I suppose that
makes sense.Copy !req
320. I guess it could take
Peter a long timeCopy !req
321. to find a job
in this economy.Copy !req
322. Well, it may not
be that bad, Lois.Copy !req
323. I could see about
getting back my old jobCopy !req
324. as a police sketch artist.Copy !req
325. Now, did you get a look
at the man who assaulted you?Copy !req
326. I did.
Okay, can I get
a description?Copy !req
327. Yeah, he was probably
around five-nine, five-ten?Copy !req
328. Which is it, five-nine
or five-ten?Copy !req
329. I'd say five-ten.Copy !req
330. Okay, we'll go
five-nine and a half.Copy !req
331. And now, how old was he?Copy !req
332. Late 30's, maybe 37.Copy !req
333. I-I don't know, anywhere
between 35 and 40.Copy !req
334. Okay, well, let's say 37.Copy !req
335. How about ethnicity?Copy !req
336. Yeah, he was Asian-American.Copy !req
337. Asian-American.Copy !req
338. Are we talking Korean?
Are we talking Thai?Copy !req
339. Are we talking Vietnamese?Copy !req
340. Maybe Korean.Copy !req
341. Could have been Japanese,
but I-I think Korean.Copy !req
342. Okay, Korean.Copy !req
343. Now how about identifying
characteristics?Copy !req
344. Any-any marks, piercings?Copy !req
345. He may have had a tattoo.
He may have had a tattoo?Copy !req
346. Did have a tattoo?
Which one was it?Copy !req
347. I-I don't know, it—
it all happened so fast.Copy !req
348. You know what?
It's fine.Copy !req
349. I have a preliminary
sketch here.Copy !req
350. Is this the man
who assaulted you?Copy !req
351. Peter, they're never
gonna take you back.Copy !req
352. You got fired for
racist drawings.Copy !req
353. I guess.Copy !req
354. Hey, you know what else
I draw really well? Bullwinkle.Copy !req
355. I'd probably still be workingCopy !req
356. if more crooks
looked like Bullwinkle.Copy !req
357. Early night, Griffin?Copy !req
358. Well, actually, it's 8:00.Copy !req
359. Well, did you finish
all the accounts payableCopy !req
360. and the accounts receivable?Copy !req
361. But that's not my department.Copy !req
362. It is now.Copy !req
363. The company's making
cutbacks.Copy !req
364. You can handle it, it's just
a little extra paperwork.Copy !req
365. Ugh. I am exhausted.Copy !req
366. (sighs)
Can this day get
any more stressful?Copy !req
367. "Muscular man for
discreet pushing and pulling."Copy !req
368. Well, I'm not above
manual labor.Copy !req
369. Oh, hi, Chris.
How was your day?Copy !req
370. (sighs)
You know what
would be great?Copy !req
371. If I could come home
and have five minutesCopy !req
372. before you jump
all over my back.Copy !req
373. Also, she broke a plate.Copy !req
374. And what about you?
Did you get a job today?Copy !req
375. (chuckles)
I kind of got one.Copy !req
376. Right, Lois? Right?Copy !req
377. So, Chris, good day
at the office?Copy !req
378. You know, actually, Angela
said that the spreadsheetsCopy !req
379. I presented were beyond the
projections for last quarter.Copy !req
380. Oh, is that good?Copy !req
381. You know what? Never mind!Copy !req
382. Now I'm mad at you!Copy !req
383. Peter, I'm really
worried about Chris.Copy !req
384. All this pressure seems
to be getting to him.Copy !req
385. I know, he's turning
into a jerk.Copy !req
386. Oh, hey, Chris.Copy !req
387. You wanna keep it down in here?Copy !req
388. One of us has to work
in the morning.Copy !req
389. Chris, have you—
have you been drinking?Copy !req
390. Yes. Have you been aging?Copy !req
391. I want you two to do it
right in front of me.Copy !req
392. And I'm gonna throw 40 bucks
on your sweaty bodiesCopy !req
393. when you're done.Copy !req
394. Let's see the money.Copy !req
395. Why do you guys hate me?Copy !req
396. Ugh, that pain in my
stomach is back.Copy !req
397. Ow!Copy !req
398. What? What?Copy !req
399. What are you looking at?Copy !req
400. I could fight you both.Copy !req
401. You don't know what
I go through every day.Copy !req
402. Now go to sleep,
the both of you.Copy !req
403. I think we
should go live with Mom.Copy !req
404. I just heard all of that,Copy !req
405. and I just wanna say this family
is (bleep) disintegrating.Copy !req
406. Oh, hey, Chris, by the way,Copy !req
407. the roofer came today
while you were at work.Copy !req
408. And?Copy !req
409. It's gonna be
five grand to fix it.Copy !req
410. Oh, that's just perfect.Copy !req
411. I love spending $5,000 on
something nobody can see.Copy !req
412. Anyone got more happy news?Copy !req
413. I'm gonna need
a check for the dentist.Copy !req
414. Peter has two cavities.Copy !req
415. I'll bet if I go upstairs
to that bathroomCopy !req
416. that toothbrush
is as dry as a bone.Copy !req
417. Sometimes I forget.Copy !req
418. Anything else I should
know about?Copy !req
419. Well, my science class
is taking a field tripCopy !req
420. to the water
purification center.Copy !req
421. And?
And it costs ten dollars
for lunch and the bus.Copy !req
422. Ten dollars?Copy !req
423. What— What the hell is
it with that schoolCopy !req
424. that every time you
walk in there somebody
wants ten dollars?Copy !req
425. Look, I-I'm really sorry,Copy !req
426. but if we're that
desperate for money,Copy !req
427. isn't there something
we can do?Copy !req
428. I mean, maybe we could askCopy !req
429. to borrow some
from Mr. Quagmire.Copy !req
430. Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?Copy !req
431. Like to see me
walk next door,Copy !req
432. hat in hand, and
ask him for money.Copy !req
433. Bet you'd have your nose
pressed against the glassCopy !req
434. to watch that conversation.Copy !req
435. No, you know what?
Instead, let's just go
knock on all the doorsCopy !req
436. of all our neighbors and
tell 'em I'm a failure!Copy !req
437. No, that's not what I...
No, no, no, it's
a good idea!Copy !req
438. Let's just go right now
and tell everyone how
much of a failure I am!Copy !req
439. But I...Copy !req
440. (knocking)
Oh, hey, Chris.Copy !req
441. Meg has something
she wants to tell you.Copy !req
442. Chris, please, I'm sorry.
Say it!Copy !req
443. Chris is a failure.Copy !req
444. Uh, okay.Copy !req
445. Now we're going
to the Swansons!Copy !req
446. Oh, my God!Copy !req
447. I think Chris is
having a heart attack!Copy !req
448. We're not aspose'ta
leave the table.Copy !req
449. Be cool, be quiet, be quiet.Copy !req
450. All right, well,
nothing to worry about.Copy !req
451. Chris is going
to be just fine.Copy !req
452. Oh, Chris, I'm so
glad you're okay.Copy !req
453. What— what happened?Copy !req
454. You had a
heart attack, sweetie.Copy !req
455. A heart attack?Copy !req
456. Yeah, you almost worked yourself
right into the ground, buddy.Copy !req
457. Oh, it's all our fault.
We never should have let youCopy !req
458. take on the pressure
of being an adult.Copy !req
459. It's okay, Mom.Copy !req
460. Boy, I thought being a grown-upCopy !req
461. would be easier
than being a kid.Copy !req
462. But it turned out
it was just as hard.Copy !req
463. I guess what we all learned
is that no matter who you are,Copy !req
464. or where you come from,
life is a terrible thing.Copy !req
465. Yeah, but if you got your family
to help you get through it,Copy !req
466. it's not quite as bad.Copy !req
467. And, hey, at least
I get my old job back.Copy !req
468. You know, from now on,
let's not complain so much.Copy !req
469. (all talking at once)
That's the attitude.Copy !req
470. Hey, what do you guys do
after the screen goes black?Copy !req