1. Attention, everyone,
mail call!Copy !req
2. Meg— Teen People;
Chris— Amazing Spiderman;Copy !req
3. Lois— Redbook;Copy !req
4. World War II Army Guy—
a letter from your gal.Copy !req
5. (laughter, catcalls)
Open that one up, buddy.Copy !req
6. All right,
at ease, at ease.Copy !req
7. "Dear Willy,
it's been awful lonesomeCopy !req
8. since you've been away."Copy !req
9. Hey, you hear that,
fellas? She misses me!Copy !req
10. (good-natured ribbing)
You're all wet.Copy !req
11. Hey, check this out.Copy !req
12. We got invited to a party.Copy !req
13. "Peter Griffin, you and your
family are cordially invitedCopy !req
14. to a gala dinner in your honor
at Rocky Point Manor."Copy !req
15. What? What are they
honoring you for?Copy !req
16. Who cares? It says here
it's for the whole weekend.Copy !req
17. And it's free.Copy !req
18. Well, who's
the invitation from?Copy !req
19. I don't know,
it doesn't say.Copy !req
20. Wait, you're not
gonna go, are you?Copy !req
21. It's clearly
some kind of scam.Copy !req
22. Oh, well, then maybe we just go,
and you go to the kennel.Copy !req
23. Oh, not the kennel.Copy !req
24. Last time you left me
there for an hour.Copy !req
25. Or ten years, I don't know—
there's no clock there!Copy !req
26. You stink when
you come out of there.Copy !req
27. Dad, are we almost there?Copy !req
28. Yeah. According to the map,
we're pretty close.Copy !req
29. (gasps)
Peter, look!Copy !req
30. My God, this is
absolutely beautiful.Copy !req
31. I bet Jeff Probst
has a house like this.Copy !req
32. Joe?
Peter?Copy !req
33. What the hell are
you guys doing here?Copy !req
34. Well, we got an invitation
to a dinner in my honor.Copy !req
35. I assumed it was for all
those arrests I made last month.Copy !req
36. That's weird. My invitation
said it was in my honor.Copy !req
37. I assumed it was for being
able to fart the alphabet,Copy !req
38. which I almost did
till I pooped on the "S."Copy !req
39. Oh, well. Everybody
on the bus was upsetCopy !req
40. long before
that anyway.Copy !req
41. What the...Copy !req
42. Derek and Jillian?Copy !req
43. Wow!
Hi, Brian!Copy !req
44. Hey, kiddo.Copy !req
45. What— what are
you guys doing here?Copy !req
46. I got a card that says
they're throwing a dinnerCopy !req
47. in my "honer."Copy !req
48. Wait a minute, what the
hell's going on here?Copy !req
49. Everybody got the
same invitation?Copy !req
50. Muriel, if you're not gonna eat
your half of the cheeseburger,Copy !req
51. I'll see if they
have a freezer, so
I can keep it nice.Copy !req
52. I'm gonna walk around;
I think my vagina's asleep.Copy !req
53. Oh. Hey.
Uh...Copy !req
54. Didn't think I'd see
anyone I knew here.Copy !req
55. This, uh, this
is Stephanie.Copy !req
56. Hi, everybody!
Oh, my gosh!Copy !req
57. I never thought I'd
meet Glenn's friends!Copy !req
58. Yeah, I figured,
why not?Copy !req
59. You know, you— we—
you and I see each other
from time to time.Copy !req
60. Oh, my God, we, like, never
see each other! This guy!Copy !req
61. You, like, disappear for a
month, and then you call me?Copy !req
62. So silly!Copy !req
63. You're lucky
I like you so much.Copy !req
64. Okay, why don't you go
ahead and take the bags in.Copy !req
65. Wow, it— it looks like
the whole town got invited.Copy !req
66. (with thick accent):
Mr. Peter.Copy !req
67. Mr. Joe.Copy !req
68. Mr. Bonnie.Copy !req
69. She doesn't know
what "Mr." means.Copy !req
70. Mr. Mort.Copy !req
71. Mr. Muriel.Copy !req
72. Mayor West Mr.Copy !req
73. Oh, my God, seriously.Copy !req
74. If you will all please
follow me to third floor,Copy !req
75. I show you
to your rooms.Copy !req
76. You are all expected
for dinner at 8:00.Copy !req
77. Oh, good! I'm starved!Copy !req
78. Settle down, will ya?Copy !req
79. None of this makes any sense.Copy !req
80. Everyone got invitations
from an anonymous sourceCopy !req
81. for a dinner in their honor,Copy !req
82. when that's clearly
not the case.Copy !req
83. Now we're here, where
the hell's our host?Copy !req
84. At least you all had
evening wear provided for you.Copy !req
85. I thought this was
going to be a lawn party.Copy !req
86. I don't have
one pair of long pants.Copy !req
87. Boy, it's kinda awkward seeing
Jillian here with Derek.Copy !req
88. I wonder if she's
thinking about me.Copy !req
89. I don't know, are you
a pony or the color blue?Copy !req
90. Derek, look!Copy !req
91. Ha, how do you
like that?Copy !req
92. Have you guys ever seen
Jim Henson's Labyrinth?Copy !req
93. No. Have you ever seen
the Channel Five news?Copy !req
94. No.Copy !req
95. Uh, Labyrinth has teenage
Jennifer Connelly.Copy !req
96. Channel Five news has file
footage of pills being sorted.Copy !req
97. Some people think
Jennifer Connelly's old now,Copy !req
98. and that her hands look
like two bags of snakes.Copy !req
99. I think that's bogus.Copy !req
100. I don't think we
have much in common.Copy !req
101. Good heavens, Meg, you're
sprouting up like a weed!Copy !req
102. I know, she's
growing every day.Copy !req
103. Meg, you remember Dr. Hartman.Copy !req
104. Of course she does! I performed
her very first pelvic exam!Copy !req
105. Unless I'm confusing you
with someone else.Copy !req
106. Nope. That was...
that was you.Copy !req
107. Good evening, everyone.Copy !req
108. (gasps) James Woods!Copy !req
109. Thank you for joining me
at my humble manor.Copy !req
110. I'd like to introduce you to
my lovely companion, Pricilla.Copy !req
111. Nice to meet you all.Copy !req
112. Who's he?Copy !req
113. James Woods.Copy !req
114. Oh, I thought
he was a shark.Copy !req
115. No, he was a on a
show called Shark.Copy !req
116. But he's made of wood?Copy !req
117. No, his last name is Woods,
but he's not made of wood.Copy !req
118. Nobody is.Copy !req
119. This truly is a night to
celebrate, especially for me.Copy !req
120. Hey, what's
going on here, Woods?Copy !req
121. The invitation said this
was a dinner in my honor.Copy !req
122. That's what mine said, too.Copy !req
123. Yeah, me, too!
Mine, too.
Same here!Copy !req
124. Where's the food?Copy !req
125. Well, actually,
this dinner honors all of you.Copy !req
126. Where should I begin?Copy !req
127. You see, recently I've become
a born-again Christian.Copy !req
128. Thanks to this
beautiful little angel.Copy !req
129. She came into my life
as if out of nowhere,Copy !req
130. enchanted me beyond
my wildest dreams,Copy !req
131. and opened my eyes
to the cleansing truthCopy !req
132. of Jesus Christ's love.Copy !req
133. No, honey, it was
always within you.Copy !req
134. I just helped you find it.Copy !req
135. Um... what does all this gay
stuff have to do with us?Copy !req
136. Well, the fact
of the matter is, I have wrongedCopy !req
137. each and every
one of you in some way.Copy !req
138. And, since I am a man of God
now, I am truly repentant.Copy !req
139. So, I invited you
all here to make amends.Copy !req
140. And why the hell
should we trust you?Copy !req
141. Yeah, you've
been terrorizing
our family for years.Copy !req
142. I understand that there is some
healing to do here tonight,Copy !req
143. and I am prepared to be patient.Copy !req
144. Please, won't you just
give me a chance?Copy !req
145. And I promise you
won't be disappointed.Copy !req
146. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll just go check on dinner.Copy !req
147. Oh, I'll help
you, sweetheart.Copy !req
148. This is all
very strange.Copy !req
149. I agree.
Something's not right.Copy !req
150. I don't know, maybe we
should give him a chance.Copy !req
151. Maybe he really is born again.Copy !req
152. Well, he could be.Copy !req
153. It all depends on what
his astrological sign is.Copy !req
154. Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.Copy !req
155. I'm very intuitive
with these things.Copy !req
156. Maybe if I sit in his chair, I
can get a reading on his energy.Copy !req
157. I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a
rebirth would not be unexpected.Copy !req
158. That's enough,
Stephanie.Copy !req
159. You know, it's like
when I did Glenn's star chart...Copy !req
160. Did the— did the cork hit me?Copy !req
161. My God.
She's dead.Copy !req
162. She's been shot!Copy !req
163. I can't help feeling
this would be sadderCopy !req
164. if she wasn't heavy.Copy !req
165. Oh, my God.
It was him!Copy !req
166. It was James Woods!
He killed Stephanie!Copy !req
167. Jeez, I knew he was crazy, but I
didn't think he was a murderer!Copy !req
168. Oh, he must've brought
us here to kill us all!Copy !req
169. Run! Run for your lives!Copy !req
170. Quick! We got to
get out of here!Copy !req
171. Come on,
get in the car!Copy !req
172. Oh, my God, Peter,
back it up!Copy !req
173. Oh, really, Lois?Copy !req
174. I thought I might
drive forward.Copy !req
175. I thought that-that might
be a fun thing to do.Copy !req
176. Stop fighting!Copy !req
177. Oh, my God! Quick, Peter,
get in the back!Copy !req
178. Oh, thank God.
We made it.Copy !req
179. Oh! Aah!Copy !req
180. Ow! My neck!Copy !req
181. You backed into me,
and-and now... Oh!Copy !req
182. Your back!Copy !req
183. And my back!
My back, yes! Oh!Copy !req
184. All right, it looks like
we're stuck here.Copy !req
185. Storm has flooded the causeway,
and the bridge is destroyed.Copy !req
186. For the moment,
there's no way out.Copy !req
187. No Way Out. Great film.Copy !req
188. Sean Young naked in the limo?Copy !req
189. What are we
gonna do?Copy !req
190. We can't just
stay hereCopy !req
191. with James Woods lurking
somewhere in the house!Copy !req
192. All right, does anyone have
a cell phone?Copy !req
193. I'm not getting
any reception!Copy !req
194. Me neither!
No bars!Copy !req
195. It's all right.Copy !req
196. I'll put a message
in a bottle.Copy !req
197. Now... we wait.Copy !req
198. Look, he's got a land line
we can use!Copy !req
199. Oh, no. You know, I wouldn't
feel right about that.Copy !req
200. We're guests,
and it's long distance.Copy !req
201. Doesn't matter.Copy !req
202. The line's dead.Copy !req
203. Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right.Copy !req
204. Look, everybody but Chris,
just keep your pants onCopy !req
205. and let's figure a way
out of this.Copy !req
206. He's right. We just
got to stay calm.Copy !req
207. With a killer
in the house?Copy !req
208. Killer
in the house...!Copy !req
209. Hey, guys,
has anybody seen James?Copy !req
210. Sweetheart, you may want
to sit down for this.Copy !req
211. Who want little tiny tacos?Copy !req
212. Ooh, little taco.
I'll have one of those.Copy !req
213. (all gasping)
It's him!Copy !req
214. Sorry I took so long.Copy !req
215. I was going to the bathroom,Copy !req
216. and I just couldn't stop
looking at my penis,Copy !req
217. 'cause it's, you know,
so fantastic.Copy !req
218. You're a monster...
Yeah, I heard it's fantastic.Copy !req
219. You're a monster, James Woods!Copy !req
220. You think you can just commit
murder and get away with it?Copy !req
221. Quagmire loved that girl!Copy !req
222. Easy.Copy !req
223. Murder?Copy !req
224. Wha-What are you
talking about?Copy !req
225. You're going away
for a long time, pal.Copy !req
226. Jimmy, what
does he mean?Copy !req
227. Look, I honestly don't know
what's going on here.Copy !req
228. Oh, really?Copy !req
229. Well, maybe that dead pile
of cookie doughCopy !req
230. in the next room
will refresh your memory.Copy !req
231. What do you mean?Copy !req
232. There's nothing
in the next room.Copy !req
233. (gasps)
It's gone!Copy !req
234. Where is she, Woods?
What'd you do with the body?Copy !req
235. What body?Copy !req
236. You know,
maybe she wasn't dead.Copy !req
237. I'll admit it, I'm-I'm not great
with that stuff sometimes.Copy !req
238. All right, I don't know
what's happening here,Copy !req
239. but look, I'm a lot
of things.Copy !req
240. A member of Mensa,
a huge hit with the ladies,Copy !req
241. someone who, you know,
would have broken out biggerCopy !req
242. if he weren't so impossible
to work with.Copy !req
243. Right. But a murderer?Copy !req
244. I only just found God.Copy !req
245. Why would I jeopardize
my entrance into heaven?Copy !req
246. If I were you,
I'd keep your mouth shutCopy !req
247. till you talk to a lawyer.Copy !req
248. I didn't kill anybody!Copy !req
249. Oh my God.Copy !req
250. Is this what black people see
all the time?Copy !req
251. (gasps)
Look!Copy !req
252. He's dead.Copy !req
253. Oh, my God!Copy !req
254. Nice.Copy !req
255. Nobody touch the knife!Copy !req
256. There could be
fingerprints on it.Copy !req
257. So James Woods
murdered Stephanie,Copy !req
258. and then he
murdered himself.Copy !req
259. Criss-cross.Copy !req
260. No, Peter.
Don't you see?Copy !req
261. He didn't kill himself, and
he didn't kill Stephanie.Copy !req
262. What are you saying?Copy !req
263. I'm saying, James Woods
isn't the murderer.Copy !req
264. The murderer...Copy !req
265. is one of us!Copy !req
266. And someone ate the last
goat cheese tartlet.Copy !req
267. Now I hope
I die next.Copy !req
268. Okay, everyone,Copy !req
269. it's important that
we all stay calm.Copy !req
270. How are we supposed
to stay calm?Copy !req
271. There's a killer
in the room!Copy !req
272. We all got to get out of here!Copy !req
273. We're all gonna die!Copy !req
274. Mr. Mayor,
pull yourself together!Copy !req
275. Wait a minute.
Joe, look!Copy !req
276. Oh, my God.Copy !req
277. Stephanie was
an accident.Copy !req
278. That's a way of putting it.Copy !req
279. What do you
mean, Joe?Copy !req
280. This gun was timed to fire
directly at that chair,Copy !req
281. where James Woods
would have been sitting.Copy !req
282. But he left,Copy !req
283. and Stephanie was
in the wrong placeCopy !req
284. at the wrong time.Copy !req
285. So whoever the murderer is,Copy !req
286. they were after James Woods,
not Stephanie.Copy !req
287. The question is,Copy !req
288. who here wanted
James Woods dead?Copy !req
289. Let's look around and see
if we can find any more clues.Copy !req
290. Oh, my God.Copy !req
291. Brian, I feel like
everyone's wonderingCopy !req
292. why I'm wearing shorts.Copy !req
293. Nobody's even
looking at you.Copy !req
294. That's what I mean.Copy !req
295. The fact that
no one has said anythingCopy !req
296. makes it even more obvious
that everyone has noticed.Copy !req
297. Brian, look
what I found!Copy !req
298. Check it out!Copy !req
299. I'm a robot from outer space!Copy !req
300. Hang on. I'm coming down.Copy !req
301. Go, go, gadget skis!Copy !req
302. Uh-oh.Copy !req
303. All right, since it's my fault
that Joe got knocked out,Copy !req
304. it is now my responsibility
to take over the investigation.Copy !req
305. I-I don't know if
that actually follows.Copy !req
306. Oh, it does follow, Brian.Copy !req
307. Because I'm the one
with the giant magnifying glass.Copy !req
308. Is my eye big?
Yeah.Copy !req
309. Good.Copy !req
310. Good. That means progress.Copy !req
311. All right, let's-let's
figure out what we know here.Copy !req
312. The gun was clearly meant
to kill James Woods,Copy !req
313. but Stephanie got in the way.Copy !req
314. So the murderer had to improviseCopy !req
315. and finish the job
by stabbing him.Copy !req
316. Now who here had a motive
for wanting James Woods dead?Copy !req
317. Well, according
to James Woods, we all did.Copy !req
318. He brought us here
to make amends with us.Copy !req
319. But he wronged one of us
enough to want revenge.Copy !req
320. The question is, who?Copy !req
321. Well, I know one person
who could have.Copy !req
322. My partner Tom.Copy !req
323. All right, it's true.Copy !req
324. James Woods ruined my career!Copy !req
325. I originally wanted
to be an actor.Copy !req
326. And I booked the lead role
in Nightmare On Elm Street.Copy !req
327. But James Woods said,
"No, don't bother.Copy !req
328. Something else will come along."Copy !req
329. So I turned it down.Copy !req
330. And now this Robert Englund
is the talk of the town.Copy !req
331. That should be me
everyone's talking about!Copy !req
332. Was I angry?
Yes, of course!Copy !req
333. But I didn't kill him!Copy !req
334. What about Seamus?Copy !req
335. You hated James Woods.Copy !req
336. You told me so!Copy !req
337. Aye. He's the one
who made me what I am today.Copy !req
338. I wish you were a real,
live ornery sea captain.Copy !req
339. But he didn't
wish hard enough!Copy !req
340. It only worked
on me head!Copy !req
341. Oh, my God,
seriously?Copy !req
342. No. Actually,
I was a normal guyCopy !req
343. until one night,
we dropped acid together,Copy !req
344. and he thought
I was a steak.Copy !req
345. Grilled me,
ate me arms and legs.Copy !req
346. It was a whole thing.
But I'm not the killer!Copy !req
347. What about
the mayor?Copy !req
348. He could have killed him
and got himself off scot-free!Copy !req
349. He took the Twitter name
Mayor West,Copy !req
350. so now I have
to use Mayor underscore West.Copy !req
351. That rat-faced cracker!Copy !req
352. But you hated him,
too, Dr. Hartman.Copy !req
353. Sure, I hated him,
but so did Mort.Copy !req
354. I didn't kill him!Copy !req
355. Maybe it
was Diane.Copy !req
356. James Woods promised
to introduce me to Dan Rather.Copy !req
357. But instead, he introduced me
to Danny Bonaduce.Copy !req
358. I tell you, that guy looks
like a dog turning 30.Copy !req
359. But what about the old guy?Copy !req
360. I heard him complaining
about Woods in the dining room.Copy !req
361. That's true.Copy !req
362. He replaced my Cialis
with methamphetamines!Copy !req
363. Pedal faster!Copy !req
364. I can't go any faster!Copy !req
365. Where you
going, kids?Copy !req
366. Hey, I just want
to talk to you.Copy !req
367. Why don't you come
over to my placeCopy !req
368. for a glass of wine and
a couple of fruit pies,Copy !req
369. and then we can go
in the back roomCopy !req
370. and play crazy snake.
Hee-hee-hee!Copy !req
371. And what about Quagmire?Copy !req
372. Fine! So he stole
Cheryl Tiegs from me!Copy !req
373. He ruined your TV pilot!Copy !req
374. Go to hell! I backed out
of that project willingly.Copy !req
375. Oh, yeah, that's what
every hack says.Copy !req
376. You know, Brian...
I'm telling you...Copy !req
377. Eh. My secret
room's bigger.Copy !req
378. Mine's smaller.Copy !req
379. All right, stand back.Copy !req
380. This could be dangerous.Copy !req
381. Oh, laundry room.Copy !req
382. Laundry room, everybody.Copy !req
383. Oh, see, here we go.Copy !req
384. Aha!Copy !req
385. James Woods made a list
of all his misdeedsCopy !req
386. so he could make amends.Copy !req
387. Bonnie, he punched you
in the throat,Copy !req
388. and that's why
you sound like that?Copy !req
389. No, he punched me in the throat
because I sound like this.Copy !req
390. And Consuela, he...Copy !req
391. Actually, I can't read
his handwriting here.Copy !req
392. What-what happened?Copy !req
393. One day, I bring
my nephew to work,Copy !req
394. and he molest my nephew,
and my nephew— he only 14,Copy !req
395. and he cry, and then,
he shoot himself in the face.Copy !req
396. What are all these?Copy !req
397. God, there are tons
of OxyContin bottles in here.Copy !req
398. All prescribed to James Woods.Copy !req
399. And all from Goldman's Pharmacy.Copy !req
400. What's that
all about, Goldman?Copy !req
401. I don't know what
you're talking about.Copy !req
402. James Woods never bought
anything in my pharmacy. Ever.Copy !req
403. Yes, he did.Copy !req
404. Says here he talked Muriel
into selling him OxyContinCopy !req
405. for him
and his 19-year-old girlfriend.Copy !req
406. This went on for weeks,Copy !req
407. but then she started
to have misgivingsCopy !req
408. and threatened to cut him off.Copy !req
409. But he wouldn't let her.Copy !req
410. He threatened to blackmail her
by turning her in to the Feds.Copy !req
411. Sounds like
a pretty good motive to me.Copy !req
412. No! No, it's not true!Copy !req
413. I would never kill anybody,
never!Copy !req
414. And I am not saying another wordCopy !req
415. until I talk to my lawyer,
because...Copy !req
416. Why is he wearing shorts?Copy !req
417. Oh, my God,
I told you!Copy !req
418. Muriel, just surrender quietly.Copy !req
419. It'll be easier
for us all if you...Copy !req
420. (gasps)
She's gone!Copy !req
421. We lost her.Copy !req
422. Well, as long as there'sCopy !req
423. a murderer on the loose,Copy !req
424. none of us are safe.Copy !req
425. All right, let's split up
and search the house.Copy !req
426. I'll go with Lois.Copy !req
427. Chris, you check the basement
with Herbert.Copy !req
428. Meg, you go
with Brian and Stewie.Copy !req
429. Uh, no,
she-she can't.Copy !req
430. Yeah, uh,
she can't.Copy !req
431. We-we-we were gonna
use this time, uh...Copy !req
432. to figure out what to get
you for your birthday.Copy !req
433. Ooh, ah, okay.
Oh, yeah, no, you guys go.Copy !req
434. You guys— ooh,
now I'm excited.Copy !req
435. Um, okay, um, Meg,Copy !req
436. you go with Carl.
Sorry, Carl.Copy !req
437. Tom and Diane,
you're a team.Copy !req
438. Quagmire and Bonnie,
you're a team.Copy !req
439. Um... Seamus and Dr. Hartman?
That-that could be funny.Copy !req
440. Don't usually see
the two of you together.Copy !req
441. Uh, Derek and Jillian,
you guys take the attic.Copy !req
442. Joe and Priscilla
are still passed out,Copy !req
443. so they'll be
the unconscious team.Copy !req
444. And that leaves
one three-person teamCopy !req
445. of Mort, Consuela,
and Mayor West.Copy !req
446. All right. Let's do this.Copy !req
447. So, uh...Copy !req
448. You guys like
to party?Copy !req
449. (gasps)
No!Copy !req
450. Oh, no.Copy !req
451. Oh, my God, what a
couple of squares.Copy !req
452. Squaresville,
I tell ya!Copy !req
453. What are we supposed
to be doing again?Copy !req
454. We're looking
for Muriel Goldman, honey.Copy !req
455. Hello?Copy !req
456. Is anybody up here?Copy !req
457. Hey, maybe it was that cat
who was the murderer.Copy !req
458. Let me ask him.Copy !req
459. Meow, meow, meow?
Meow-meow-meow-meow?Copy !req
460. We don't all talk like that.Copy !req
461. I happen to be a professor.Copy !req
462. Our apologies, sir.Copy !req
463. I should imagine so.Copy !req
464. Now if you'll excuse me,
I have papers to correct.Copy !req
465. Chris, I'm worried, with
this killer on the loose.Copy !req
466. If I should die, I-I
just want you to knowCopy !req
467. that they might
find some things.Copy !req
468. Strange things.Copy !req
469. Things that don't
make sense to you.Copy !req
470. Um... okay.Copy !req
471. And there's gonna
be a lot of talk.Copy !req
472. Nasty talk.Copy !req
473. And I just want you
to know, from me,Copy !req
474. it's all gonna be
out of context.Copy !req
475. I don't know
what that means.Copy !req
476. It means, if I die, you
got to burn my house down!Copy !req
477. (echoing):
Muriel?Copy !req
478. Oh, yeah, like she's going
to answer you, Tom.Copy !req
479. And here we go
with the attitude.Copy !req
480. This is why
you're single.Copy !req
481. Oh, so I'm not
supposed to point outCopy !req
482. when you do
something stupid?Copy !req
483. You hear that? You hear
that tone you're using?Copy !req
484. That's penis repellent
right there.Copy !req
485. Careful.Copy !req
486. She could be hiding behind
any one of these statues.Copy !req
487. Muriel, this is Tom Tucker
from the Channel Five news.Copy !req
488. Perhaps you'd like
an autograph.Copy !req
489. Oh, for God's sakes.
Do you hear yourself?Copy !req
490. There it is.Copy !req
491. Knock it off!Copy !req
492. Hey, wait a minute.Copy !req
493. Doesn't feel like
there's any wall here.Copy !req
494. What do you
think's in there?Copy !req
495. I don't know.
Looks scary.Copy !req
496. What do you
think, Ollie?Copy !req
497. I miss Ollie.Copy !req
498. (sighs)
I better take a look.Copy !req
499. No. I'll go first.Copy !req
500. Do you see anything?Copy !req
501. No, it's-it's
too dark.Copy !req
502. Tom? Tom!Copy !req
503. Oh, sweet.
A pool table.Copy !req
504. Let's see if we can
find some cues.Copy !req
505. (gasps)
What is it?Copy !req
506. Whew. It's okay.Copy !req
507. It's just the stuffed bear
from The Great Outdoors.Copy !req
508. Did you see
The Great Outdoors?Copy !req
509. No.
You suck.Copy !req
510. Hey, I found the pool cues!Copy !req
511. Meg?Copy !req
512. Looks like I'm all alone.Copy !req
513. Well, hey, that's all right.Copy !req
514. I watch a lot of movies.Copy !req
515. I can just use my imagination.Copy !req
516. Hi, Carl.Copy !req
517. Hey, bear.Copy !req
518. So, um, in the
bear world,Copy !req
519. are, like, pandas your version
of interracial children?Copy !req
520. Yeah. Pandas aren't
something I agree with.Copy !req
521. They're cute,
though, right?Copy !req
522. Just when they're babies.Copy !req
523. Boy, it's really
raining hard.Copy !req
524. Yeah, well,
we needed it.Copy !req
525. What?Copy !req
526. Peter, we've been
married a long time.Copy !req
527. Why do I still get "guy in
an elevator" small talk?Copy !req
528. I don't know. You're the one
talking about the weather.Copy !req
529. So...Copy !req
530. Looking forward
to the weekend?Copy !req
531. It's okay.
It's just us.Copy !req
532. Oh, Quagmire, Bonnie,
you scared us.Copy !req
533. Have you seen
any sign of Muriel?Copy !req
534. Oh, why didn't I
think of this before?Copy !req
535. I should just check the "Find
A Jew" app on my phone.Copy !req
536. Huh. There's just
two big clustersCopy !req
537. on each side of the country.Copy !req
538. No, look.
There's one down south.Copy !req
539. Ah, they got him.Copy !req
540. Okay, um...Copy !req
541. Oh, uh, Lost in Space.Copy !req
542. Yup, okay. Um...Copy !req
543. Oh, uh, uh, that's
Dick Van Dyke.Copy !req
544. Okay, um...Copy !req
545. Oh, okay,
I-I-I got one, um...Copy !req
546. I have no idea.Copy !req
547. Come on, Bri. Right?
Y-You don't know this?Copy !req
548. Uh, Falcon Crest?Copy !req
549. Oh, it's "Dinasty"!Copy !req
550. Oh. Yeah, I-I
didn't watch that.Copy !req
551. (screaming)
Oh, my God!Copy !req
552. Oh, my God, Muriel!Copy !req
553. My sweet Muriel!Copy !req
554. She was so young.
She was so beauti—Copy !req
555. She was so genero—Copy !req
556. Uh, we were married.Copy !req
557. Look! This is the same knife
that killed James Woods.Copy !req
558. Oh, my God!Copy !req
559. Then Muriel wasn't the killer.Copy !req
560. Well, then, who is?Copy !req
561. I don't know,
but one thing's for sure.Copy !req
562. If we don't find out
before this storm lets up,Copy !req
563. we're all gonna be dead
by morning.Copy !req
564. All right, if we're going
to make it out alive,Copy !req
565. we got to stick
together from now on.Copy !req
566. Is everyone here?Copy !req
567. Wait a minute, wait.
Where's Meg?Copy !req
568. And where's Tom Tucker?Copy !req
569. Right here!Copy !req
570. Oh, my God!
What happened?Copy !req
571. I fell through a trapdoorCopy !req
572. that led to
an underground passageway.Copy !req
573. So I followed it,
and it led meCopy !req
574. to a hatch over there
in the parlor.Copy !req
575. The same thing
happened to me.Copy !req
576. But with
a moustache.Copy !req
577. Hey, Peter,
look at this.Copy !req
578. I'm getting a faint signal
on my cell phone.Copy !req
579. Really?Copy !req
580. Oh, my god, is that...Copy !req
581. Are you holding up
the whole Hollywood sign?Copy !req
582. (chuckling):
No, no, no, no.Copy !req
583. The sign was way
in the background.Copy !req
584. I was standing in the
foreground going like thisCopy !req
585. when Jillian took the picture,Copy !req
586. so by forced perspective,Copy !req
587. it looks like I'm holding
up the whole sign.Copy !req
588. I don't believe you.
I think you are a god.Copy !req
589. And I will die for
you or kill others.Copy !req
590. Damn it.
The signal's gone.Copy !req
591. If I can get up
to the roof or something,Copy !req
592. maybe I can get a stronger
signal and call the police.Copy !req
593. Okay. And I will skin
this dog in your honor.Copy !req
594. Please don't.
As you wish.Copy !req
595. Do you really think
it could work, Derek?Copy !req
596. There's only one
way to find out.Copy !req
597. I'll be back.Copy !req
598. All right, nobody leaves
this room until he gets back.Copy !req
599. Wait a minute.Copy !req
600. Something's not right here.Copy !req
601. We're short one vagina
in this room.Copy !req
602. Oh, my God!Copy !req
603. Priscilla's gone!Copy !req
604. Th-That's impossible.Copy !req
605. She was still passed out
on the couch when we left.Copy !req
606. What the hell happened?Copy !req
607. Joe! You're okay!Copy !req
608. Yeah, I'm fine.
What's going on?Copy !req
609. What's going on is,
Priscilla's the murderer!Copy !req
610. Wait a second.
We don't know that.Copy !req
611. Well, she was by herself
this whole time!Copy !req
612. Yes, but she was unconscious!Copy !req
613. She could've come to
and killed Muriel!Copy !req
614. This is all speculation!
We don't know she's the killer!Copy !req
615. Yeah, besides, she's hot!Copy !req
616. Hot chicks are never crazy!Copy !req
617. Derek lifted
up the Hollywood sign.Copy !req
618. He did, too! I
saw the picture!Copy !req
619. Come on.Copy !req
620. Yes!Copy !req
621. Hey.Copy !req
622. What are you doing up here?Copy !req
623. Wait a minute.Copy !req
624. What the hell is this?Copy !req
625. Oh, my God! It's you!Copy !req
626. The man or woman
who's been killing everybody!Copy !req
627. Stay back. Stay back.Copy !req
628. It came from over there!Copy !req
629. Dear God!Copy !req
630. He's dead.Copy !req
631. Do you think he
slipped off the roof?Copy !req
632. Maybe. But he was dead
before the fall.Copy !req
633. Look at this— he's
been hit on the head
by a blunt object.Copy !req
634. Oh, my God, no, Derek!Copy !req
635. (squeaky sobbing)
Oh, Jillian,
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
636. Hey, can you
grab his phone?Copy !req
637. I want to prove
something to these guys.Copy !req
638. I-I-It's Priscilla.Copy !req
639. I-I mean, it's
got to be Priscilla.Copy !req
640. She's the only one
who's not here.Copy !req
641. Look, maybe, maybe not.Copy !req
642. We thought
Muriel was the killer,Copy !req
643. and look how that turned out.Copy !req
644. We have no proof of anything.Copy !req
645. Is this the latest
you've ever stayed up?Copy !req
646. It's the latest
I've ever stayed up.Copy !req
647. Oh, no!Copy !req
648. Someone's taken
Mr. Woods' Golden Globe!Copy !req
649. She's right! There was
a Golden Globe award
here, and it's gone.Copy !req
650. I think we may
have identified
our blunt object.Copy !req
651. So all we have to do
is find that Golden GlobeCopy !req
652. and we'll have
our murder weapon—
and if we're lucky,Copy !req
653. it may just mean
we'll have our killer.Copy !req
654. All right, from
this moment forward,Copy !req
655. nobody leaves the group.Copy !req
656. Joe's right.
Everyone huddle up.Copy !req
657. Good. Now, we're gonna
search the house,Copy !req
658. and we're gonna move as one.Copy !req
659. Anyone who separates
from the groupCopy !req
660. we will assume to be the killer.Copy !req
661. All clear?Copy !req
662. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
663. All right.Copy !req
664. Let's do this!Copy !req
665. Oh, boy, we got
a problem here.Copy !req
666. All right,
on the count of three.Copy !req
667. One, two...Copy !req
668. three!Copy !req
669. Thanks, guys.Copy !req
670. Stop it, Peter.
(continues humming)Copy !req
671. Peter, knock it off!Copy !req
672. Okay, Jew. Joe.Copy !req
673. Shut up!
I'm not Jewish!Copy !req
674. Well, I think we've
learned a little somethingCopy !req
675. about our friendly
neighborhood
policeman today.Copy !req
676. All right, we got to search
every one of these rooms.Copy !req
677. We'll start with Quagmire's.Copy !req
678. Oh, my God!Copy !req
679. Are those
Stephanie's underpants?Copy !req
680. Oh, God.Copy !req
681. They're huge!Copy !req
682. Looks like the crotch got
chewed on by a walrus mouth.Copy !req
683. (laughs)
Look, it's got flowers!Copy !req
684. I mean, why bother?Copy !req
685. Who's gonna see 'em?Copy !req
686. Maybe someone in space.Copy !req
687. Come on, guys, can't we all
just be glad she's dead?Copy !req
688. Whose room is this?Copy !req
689. It's, uh, my room.Copy !req
690. You travel with a giant
poster of yourself?Copy !req
691. Yes. It helps me get to sleep,
knowing that Big Tom TuckerCopy !req
692. is keeping a watchful eye out
for nocturnal intruders.Copy !req
693. What a ridiculous
man you are.Copy !req
694. Look, I didn't know my room
was gonna be scrutinized.Copy !req
695. I-If you don't like it,
let's get out of here.Copy !req
696. Not till we've
searched the place.Copy !req
697. You guys?Copy !req
698. Oh, my God!Copy !req
699. Well, well, I think
we've found our killer.Copy !req
700. Oh, now, now, wait a minute,
that's not mine!Copy !req
701. I suppose it crawled under
your bed all by itself.Copy !req
702. Well, maybe it did.Copy !req
703. I didn't murder anybody.Copy !req
704. Tell it to Mike Judge.Copy !req
705. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
uh, this is crazy,Copy !req
706. Wh-What about Priscilla?Copy !req
707. We have no idea
where she is.Copy !req
708. She could've planted that there.Copy !req
709. Well, uh...Copy !req
710. I suppose it's possible.Copy !req
711. What the hell?Copy !req
712. Aw, dang it, I got a nosebleed.Copy !req
713. No, you don't.Copy !req
714. Peter, give me a boost.Copy !req
715. You're going
to jail, Tucker.Copy !req
716. Like hell I am!
You're not taking
me anywhere,Copy !req
717. you podunk,
Quahog redneck cop!Copy !req
718. Not you or anyone else
in this damn town!Copy !req
719. I'm not going to jail!Copy !req
720. After him!Copy !req
721. Give it up, Tucker!Copy !req
722. Make me, Swanson!Copy !req
723. Damn, he's slippery.Copy !req
724. (panting)
You guys give up?Copy !req
725. What do we do?
Wait a minute,
wait a minute, guys!Copy !req
726. I got an idea.Copy !req
727. Shoot.
What if half of us
go around one side of the table,Copy !req
728. and the other half
go around the other side,Copy !req
729. and then we won't have
to chase him around in circles.Copy !req
730. Damn, that's
awfully risky.Copy !req
731. It sure is, but at this point
I'm willing to try anything.Copy !req
732. All right.
Let's do it!Copy !req
733. (thumping)
It worked!Copy !req
734. (grunting)
Let me go!Copy !req
735. Let me go,
you bastards!Copy !req
736. You're all gonna
pay for this!Copy !req
737. Just for that, when the movie
of this story comes out,Copy !req
738. I'm gonna make sure
Adrian Brody plays you.Copy !req
739. I guess that means you
don't want anyone to see it.Copy !req
740. (laughter dies down)
Okay. All right.Copy !req
741. Thanks a lot for
your help, boys.Copy !req
742. You know, despite
all the craziness
this weekend,Copy !req
743. I feel like a lot of people
were looking at me like
I was really attractive.Copy !req
744. Which makes me think
that I'm gonna grow up
to be good-looking.Copy !req
745. What part of
that statementCopy !req
746. is supposed to lure me
into a conversation?Copy !req
747. I talk to you about
wet tennis balls.Copy !req
748. Oh, come on!Copy !req
749. We're in a fight!Copy !req
750. Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels
in the bath... L-Lois?Copy !req
751. Lois? Lois?Copy !req
752. Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels
in the bathroom?Copy !req
753. No, I put 'em all in your bag.Copy !req
754. Okay, well, I don't
see the fire engine,Copy !req
755. but I guess we'll just find out
when we get home, won't we?Copy !req
756. I'll see you in the car.Copy !req
757. Hi, Diane.Copy !req
758. Oh, hi, Lois.Copy !req
759. How you doing?Copy !req
760. I just thought I'd
make sure you were okay.Copy !req
761. Oh, I'm managing.Copy !req
762. It's just...
so hard to believeCopy !req
763. you can work with someone
for 15 yearsCopy !req
764. and yet have no idea
who they really areCopy !req
765. or what they're capable of.Copy !req
766. Oh, I know.Copy !req
767. And I'm sorry.Copy !req
768. So, what happens now?Copy !req
769. Will you just anchor
the news by yourself?Copy !req
770. I suppose, for the time being.Copy !req
771. Well, that's kind of
exciting, right?Copy !req
772. (chuckles) You sound
like my mother.Copy !req
773. She actuallyCopy !req
774. bought me this blouse
for my first solo broadcast.Copy !req
775. I guess that's sweet, huh?Copy !req
776. She... uh...Copy !req
777. I'm sorry, I don't understand.Copy !req
778. What do you mean?Copy !req
779. I mean, how could she have knownCopy !req
780. you'd be anchoring alone?Copy !req
781. I mean, none of this
happened until...Copy !req
782. Gosh, I, uh, you know,
I think I'd better, uh...Copy !req
783. go make sure Peter
has his, uh...Copy !req
784. fire engine.Copy !req
785. Oh, really?Copy !req
786. But I was enjoying our talk.Copy !req
787. Oh, no, I... so was I,
but, you know,Copy !req
788. I've, really,
I should...
I should go.Copy !req
789. No. I don't think so.Copy !req
790. Oh, my God.Copy !req
791. Oh, my God, it was you.Copy !req
792. You're the killer!Copy !req
793. Very clever, Lois.Copy !req
794. You shouldn't have stopped
to say hi to me.Copy !req
795. You would've lived longer.Copy !req
796. God, why do I ever try to
be friends with other women?Copy !req
797. But, Diane, why?Copy !req
798. How could you do all
these horrible things?Copy !req
799. Well, I suppose it all
really began a year agoCopy !req
800. when James Woods and I metCopy !req
801. at a press event
and began seeing each other.Copy !req
802. We both valued
our privacy, however,Copy !req
803. so we agreed to keep it
a secret from the media.Copy !req
804. Everything in my life
was wonderful.Copy !req
805. But then a few months ago,
I turned 40.Copy !req
806. Surprise!Copy !req
807. It was hard for me
to begin with,Copy !req
808. but it got worse when,
not so coincidentally,Copy !req
809. Tom began pushing Channel Five
News to replace meCopy !req
810. with a fresh, young face,Copy !req
811. and he succeeded.Copy !req
812. Three weeks from now,
I'll be off the air.Copy !req
813. Well, apparently,
all men think the same way,Copy !req
814. because around the same time,Copy !req
815. James dumped me.Copy !req
816. I watched my career
and my love life crumble,Copy !req
817. and I wasn't gonna just
stand by and take it.Copy !req
818. That's when I had
the good fortuneCopy !req
819. to meet a young news intern
named Priscilla.Copy !req
820. She was so anxious to get
into the reporting businessCopy !req
821. and would have done anything
to get on my good side.Copy !req
822. So I seized the moment.Copy !req
823. I paid her off to seduce
James Woods and reel himCopy !req
824. into a relationship
like a fish on a line.Copy !req
825. I knew a hot, young woman
like PriscillaCopy !req
826. could manipulate him
into doing anything I wanted.Copy !req
827. At my direction,
she persuaded himCopy !req
828. to become
a born-again Christian,Copy !req
829. and instilled him with
the drive to bring togetherCopy !req
830. all the people he'd wronged.Copy !req
831. That's how this weekend
came to pass.Copy !req
832. Of course, Priscilla knew
nothing of my real intentions,Copy !req
833. but she played the part
beautifully, nonetheless.Copy !req
834. There's no way
she could have knownCopy !req
835. I planned to kill James Woods
and frame Tom Tucker,Copy !req
836. thereby destroying
the two peopleCopy !req
837. who cast me aside
and ruined my life.Copy !req
838. Oh, my God...Copy !req
839. you're 40?Copy !req
840. Yes. I'm 40.Copy !req
841. But then why did
you kill the others?Copy !req
842. It was all supposed
to go so smoothly.Copy !req
843. The hidden gun goes off,Copy !req
844. kills James Woods,
and at the first opportunity,Copy !req
845. I retrieve the gun
and plant it in Tom's bag.Copy !req
846. James Woods is dead,Copy !req
847. Tom goes to prison—
nice and easy.Copy !req
848. But Stephanie got in the way.Copy !req
849. She was in James' chair
at the wrong time.Copy !req
850. And when I realizedCopy !req
851. my mistake,
I had to improvise.Copy !req
852. The power outage provided
a perfect cover.Copy !req
853. I grabbed the knife off the
dinner table and stabbed him.Copy !req
854. But as Joe pointed out,
there were fingerprints.Copy !req
855. I couldn't just leave it there.Copy !req
856. So when Tom and I got separated
in the gallery,Copy !req
857. I went back into the dining
room and got the knife.Copy !req
858. But at that moment,Copy !req
859. Priscilla regained
consciousness after fainting.Copy !req
860. She started
to become hysterical.Copy !req
861. I knew I couldn't
risk her revealingCopy !req
862. that I had engineered
this whole gathering...Copy !req
863. so I killed her.Copy !req
864. And I hid her in Tom's room.Copy !req
865. I tried to plant the knifeCopy !req
866. in Tom's suitcase,
but at that moment,Copy !req
867. Muriel walked in,
caught me in the act.Copy !req
868. It wasn't her fault,
poor thing,Copy !req
869. but she had to die.Copy !req
870. I stabbed her,Copy !req
871. and she screamed.Copy !req
872. I had to leave the knifeCopy !req
873. in her, because
I couldn't very wellCopy !req
874. hide it on my person with
everyone quickly closing in.Copy !req
875. So I wiped off
the fingerprints and ran.Copy !req
876. I slipped in
with the rest of the group,Copy !req
877. when they all converged
on the scene.Copy !req
878. I needed more time
to finish my work framing Tom.Copy !req
879. But that's when Derek
went out to the balcony.Copy !req
880. I couldn't let him
contact the policeCopy !req
881. before everything
was in the place.Copy !req
882. So I had to kill him, too.Copy !req
883. When Peter was yelling
at everyoneCopy !req
884. about that picture of Derek
holding up the Hollywood sign,Copy !req
885. I grabbed the Golden Globe
and slipped out.Copy !req
886. I followed Derek outside
and did what I had to do.Copy !req
887. I barely had enough time
to plant the Golden GlobeCopy !req
888. in Tom's room and run back
downstairs,Copy !req
889. where I took advantage
of the commotionCopy !req
890. and joined the crowdCopy !req
891. as they were all running
outside.Copy !req
892. And the rest...Copy !req
893. well, you did
all the rest for me.Copy !req
894. You turned on Tom
exactly as I planned.Copy !req
895. So there it is, Lois.Copy !req
896. My God.Copy !req
897. But wait, there's one
thing unaccounted for—Copy !req
898. what happened to
Stephanie's body?Copy !req
899. Actually, that's
the one thing I don't know.Copy !req
900. Damn it!Copy !req
901. Well, now you know
everything, Lois.Copy !req
902. Which, of course, means
I have to kill you.Copy !req
903. Lois, are you coming?Copy !req
904. I can't play my tapes
without the key.Copy !req
905. Well, actually, Lois and I
were just about to goCopy !req
906. for a quick walk,
weren't we, Lois?Copy !req
907. We've been getting
better acquainted.Copy !req
908. All right, well, just
give me the key, please.Copy !req
909. All right, Peter,
I'll get it.Copy !req
910. Don't put a gun in my back.Copy !req
911. I'm not, I'm just
asking for the key.
Give me the key.Copy !req
912. Peter, we've been
married 20 years.Copy !req
913. Please recognize when I'm
acting out of the ordinaryCopy !req
914. because I'm in danger.Copy !req
915. Here you go.
Here's the key, Pete.Copy !req
916. Why is she calling me Pete?Copy !req
917. We been married 14 years.
She never called me Pete.Copy !req
918. Why am I trying to
figure this outCopy !req
919. when I could be listening
to my tapes in the car?Copy !req
920. Bye.Copy !req
921. Shall we?Copy !req
922. Well, it's a shame that
you have to die, Lois,Copy !req
923. but look on the bright side:Copy !req
924. You'll be a story
on the 6:00 news.Copy !req
925. You know, unless a local
cat does something funny.Copy !req
926. Diane, please,
please, don't do this!Copy !req
927. I won't tell anybody,
I swear to God!Copy !req
928. That's right. You won't.Copy !req
929. Good-bye, Lois.Copy !req
930. Hello?Copy !req
931. Is anyone there?Copy !req
932. Whoever you are— thank you!Copy !req
933. If anybody's gonna take that
bitch down, it's gonna be me.Copy !req