1. How's the garage sale
going, Quagmire?
Pretty good.
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2. Just clearing some of my stuff
out of the basement.
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3. It's amazing what you find
when you clean your basement.
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4. Peter, you almost done
down there?
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5. Look what I found.
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6. That's wonderful, Peter.
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7. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go do some skywriting.
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8. Hey, look at all these videos
Mr. Quagmire's selling.
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9. Wow, The Best of the World's
W ildest Police Chases.
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10. And it even has the one
with the Flintstones!
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11. Amazingly, this drunk driver
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12. turns left
into oncoming traffic!
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13. He narrowly misses
hitting a pedestrian
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14. who jumps out of the way
just in time.
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15. Now the driver can add
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16. attempted battery
to the charges.
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17. The driver turns right
into the parking lot
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18. of a drive-in movie theater.
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19. At this point,
the dinosaur in the backseat
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20. pokes his head up
through the roof
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21. and the driver places two
small children on top of it.
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22. Now he's not only
endangering his own life,
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23. but their lives as well.
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24. The driver totals the car
and makes a run for it,
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25. but the pursuing officers
are prepared.
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26. Running from the cops?
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27. Yabba-dabba-don't!
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28. Hey, Quagmire, I think I might
wanna buy this ham radio off ya.
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29. Sure, Peter,
that'll be $50.
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30. 50 bucks?
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31. All right, fine,
I'll buy it.
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32. Man, this is a bigger rip-off
than Shrunky Dinks.
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33. They already been shrunk.
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34. Happy "birthmas."
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35. Peter, you been fiddling with
that ham radio for seven weeks.
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36. Take a shower!
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37. I can barely get any reception
on this stupid thing.
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38. So far the only station that
comes in is some British guys
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39. reading news from places
I'm not sure exist.
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40. Today, in Kuzikistan,
a peaceful demonstration
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41. turned to bloodshed as members
of the Turzirly tribe
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42. flooded Kenpao Square
in remembrance
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43. of the third anniversary
of the Hormsburg Massacre.
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44. But finally, some good news
out of neighboring Kanduzi,
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45. as locals there have reached
an uneasy alliance
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46. with the bordering
Trolika Bubsie Wubsie Dal.
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47. And now with sports,
here's Framptal Tromwibbler.
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48. From the world of sport,
the Cointen Spinky Whompers
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49. flumped the Floing Boing
Welfencloppers,
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50. 70-fluff to 40-flabe.
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51. At the tone, the time
will be 26 railroad.
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52. I'm not sure about any of that.
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53. You know, Dad, I saw
that movie White Noise,
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54. and they said you can
use empty radio static
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55. to talk to dead people.
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56. You idiot,
ghosts don't exist.
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57. Wait a second. They might.
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58. Hello, ghosts.
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59. Come in, ghosts.
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60. Hello?
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61. Hello? Who's this?
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62. This is Ronald Reagan.
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63. Ronald Reagan?
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64. The guy that used to bang
that 70-pound witch?
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65. Ronald Reagan, former
President of the United States.
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66. Oh, my God!
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67. Hey, Quagmire, guess who
I'm talking to right now?
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68. Yep!
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69. Brian, will you take me
down to Baby Gap?
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70. I want to dress
like a small douche.
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71. No, maybe tomorrow or Tuesday.
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72. But you said you'd do it today.
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73. Eh, I'm kinda tired.
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74. Oh, for God's sake.
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75. Cancel my Tuesday appointments!
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76. Sure thing, Stewie.
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77. You want me to move it
to another day?
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78. No, no, just cancel it.
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79. Okay, will do.
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80. Who the hell was that?
Hmm?
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81. There was another
Stewie right there.
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82. Oh, yeah, well, you know,
I've been so damn busy lately,
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83. my schedule's been so packed,
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84. I felt like I needed
some kind of an errand boy
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85. to do all my nitpicky,
pain-in-the-ass stuff.
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86. So I cloned myself.
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87. You... you cloned yourself?
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88. What are you? Deaf?
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89. So he's an exact
copy of you?
Well, not exact.
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90. I have to remain superior
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91. so I bred out some
of the intelligence.
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92. Made him sort of
a simpleton, you know.
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93. I call him Bitch Stewie.
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94. Would you like to meet him?
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95. Would you like
to meet Bitch Stewie?
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96. Uh, yeah, I guess.
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97. Bitch Stewie!
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98. Come here and meet
my friend, Brian.
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99. Hey, there, Stewie.
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100. Oh, what's that?
You got a friend?
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101. Oh, I'm always happy to meet
one of your friends.
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102. Dear God.
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103. How do you do?
Pleased to meet you.
I'm Bitch Stewie.
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104. He's got quite a grip.
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105. Hey, Bitch Stewie, why are
there no midget accountants?
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106. Because they always
come up short.
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107. Oh, another good one, Stewie!
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108. I don't know where
you come up with them.
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109. Isn't he wonderful?
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110. And all I have to feed him
is a crude peanut paste.
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111. Watch this.
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112. Uh-huh!
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113. It's not much,
but it's healthier
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114. than what people
ate in the '50s.
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115. Steak and doughnut
sandwich, please.
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116. You want cigarettes
on that sandwich?
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117. What do I look like?
A Mary?
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118. Yes, I want cigarettes!
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119. Okay, next up on the stage,
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120. let's have a big karaoke welcome
for Peter and Ron!
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121. Okay, this is one
of our favorites.
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122. Hope it's one of yours.
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123. Ow!
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124. Oh, sorry, didn't realize
somebody was in here.
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125. What the hell?
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126. Oh, hello, Brian.
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127. Oh, there's your
friend, Brian!
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128. Hey, Brian!
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129. I sure did enjoy talking
to you the other day!
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130. I'm just making sure
Stewie is nice and clean
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131. for his trip to the playground
this afternoon.
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132. We had a little bit
of a problem earlier
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133. because Bitch Stewie was
stooling in the tub, wasn't he?
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134. I did some poos.
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135. I did some poos
I didn't mean to.
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136. But we've rectified that now,
and everything's fine.
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137. This is really weird.
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138. I mean, it's one thing
to have him help you out
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139. with a busy schedule.
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140. It's another thing
to let him wash your back.
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141. Well, he does more
than that, Brian.
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142. Bitch Stewie, give
me a bubble beard.
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143. Look at me, I'm
George Bernard Shaw.
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144. That's awful funny, Stewie!
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145. I don't know who
George Bernard Shaw is,
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146. but you look like
an old Stewie, Stewie.
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147. Enjoy your weird bath.
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148. I told him I did the poos
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149. even though you did
the poos, Stewie.
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150. Did I do good, Stewie?
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151. That was very correct
of you, Bitch Stewie.
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152. You're a good helper.
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153. And what a lot
of people don't know
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154. is that I was
Jane Wyman's first.
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155. You might say
I broke her Jane Wyman.
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156. Oh, Reagan is a delight!
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157. He sure is, and you
know what else?
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158. The ghost of Reagan
is gonna be the new
fourth guy in our group.
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159. I'm all for that.
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160. What other stories
you got, Reagan?
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161. Well, I remember the time
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162. I invited Ed Sullivan
to the White House.
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163. He sounded a little
something like this:
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164. Hey, Ron, tonight we got
a really big show.
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165. Ah, Reagan
does impressions!
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166. That's right.
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167. And you know who else
does impressions?
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168. Rich Little.
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169. In fact, you ought to go see his
show at the Mohegan Sun Casino
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170. next Saturday
at 3:00 PM and 5:00 PM.
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171. Wait a second.
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172. Yeah, no.
What?
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173. Peter, that's not Ronald Reagan.
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174. That's Rich Little!
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175. You're Rich Little!
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176. He must be on his
own ham radio!
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177. Ah, well, uh, you know, Ed,
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178. the kids say you gotta go viral
to promote yourself these days.
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179. So, this is not Reagan?
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180. No, it's Rich Little.
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181. He's an impressionist.
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182. He's been screwing
with your head.
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183. Well, this thing
is worthless!
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184. Like my Palestinian
alarm clock.
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185. Allahu Akbar!
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186. Hey, Peter, what's up?
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187. Hey, Quagmire, uh, listen,
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188. I'm here to get my money
back for that ham radio.
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189. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down there, partner.
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190. All sales are final.
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191. Yeah, but you were Agamemnon
with me during the sale.
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192. What?
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193. I just saw that word somewhere.
I wanted to use it.
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194. Look, Peter, why don't you just
go home before you get hurt?
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195. Well, I'm clearly
not the only one
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196. who was dissatisfied
with his purchase.
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197. Whoever bought that baby from
you obviously didn't want it.
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198. A baby? I didn't sell a baby.
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199. Look, there's a note.
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200. "Glenn, this is your child.
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201. Next time wear
a condom, jerk."
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202. Oh, my God!
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203. Well, now,
hang on, Quagmire.
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204. There's no guarantee
it's your baby.
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205. Giggity?
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206. Oh...
I say that.
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207. Well, the DNA test
results are back.
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208. This little girl is definitely
your baby, Quagmire.
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209. Wh-What am I
supposed to do?
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210. I-I don't want a baby.
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211. Look, somebody's gotta take
this kid off my hands.
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212. I-I can't be a father.
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213. Well, Glenn, you don't
have a choice.
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214. This baby is
your responsibility.
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215. Now, I brought you a basket
of things to get you started.
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216. There's baby clothes,
some toys, and some books.
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217. Now, if you have any questions,
we're right across the street.
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218. Hey, what's going on?
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219. Not really sure what I'm
supposed to do with you.
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220. There's some frozen steaks
in the freezer.
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221. Bathroom's down the hall
to the right.
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222. Uh, if you ever come home
and there's a tie on the door,
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223. it means I'm froggin' someone,
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224. so give me at least,
uh, a couple hours.
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225. You smoke?
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226. Stewie, what are
you doing here?
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227. I thought you were going to
Bobby Stalling's birthday party.
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228. Ugh, I hate that kid.
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229. And I hate children's
birthday parties.
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230. I sent Bitch Stewie
in my place.
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231. Oh, what a great
little party, Janet.
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232. You know, I've never seen Stewie
come out of his shell so much.
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233. Oh, no, it's not on his tail.
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234. It's on his face.
I've ruined it!
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235. Oh, no, well,
that's okay, though.
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236. Somebody else will come along
and get it right!
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237. Thanks for coming to my
birthday party, Stewie.
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238. Oh, I wouldn't have
missed it for anything!
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239. I've never been
to a party before!
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240. Wanna watch me
blow out the candles?
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241. I would love to see that!
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242. And gosh, Bobby,
I'd love to play
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243. with some of your
birthday toys,
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244. but only after you've
played with them
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245. and only if you
say it's okay!
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246. You know, Stewie,
I gotta say,
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247. that clone of yours
has come in pretty handy.
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248. I, uh, don't suppose
you'd consider
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249. making one of those
for me, would you?
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250. Maybe.
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251. What would you be
willing to do for me?
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252. What do you want?
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253. Take your index finger
and your thumb
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254. and lightly grip
the base of your tail.
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255. What?
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256. Lightly grip
the base of your tail
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257. with your index finger
and your thumb
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258. and then slide your fingers
up the length of your tail
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259. to the tip.
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260. Why?
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261. Because that's
what I asked you to do.
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262. That's kind of weird.
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263. Is this some kind
of sexual thing?
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264. Nobody said anything
about "sexual."
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265. There's nothing
sexual about it.
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266. I'm just asking you
to perform a simple task.
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267. Take your index finger
and your thumb
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268. and lightly grip
the base of your tail
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269. and run your fingers
along the length of your tail.
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270. You mean, stroke it?
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271. Nobody used that word.
This is not a stroking motion.
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272. This is a completely nonsexual
thing I am asking you to do
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273. in a completely
nonsexual way.
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274. Squeeze the base
of the tail lightly
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275. with your thumb
and index finger
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276. and then,
while continuing to squeeze,
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277. run them up the length
of your tail to the tip.
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278. And I'll make you a clone.
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279. I only have to do it once?
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280. I'll tell you when to stop.
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281. I don't know
why you're stopping.
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282. Nobody told you to stop.
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283. Give me a little smile.
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284. Your lips look
a little dry.
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285. Why don't you wet 'em
a little bit?
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286. Oh, my God,
you're so weird!
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287. All right, I'll make you
a clone, buddy.
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288. Oh, she's a beautiful
little girl, Glenn.
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289. Have you given her
a name yet?
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290. Yeah, I named her
Anna Lee,
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291. but I'm probably just going
to call her "Annal" for short.
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292. That's funny.
Thank you.
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293. Anyway,
thanks for all the baby stuff.
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294. Hey, what's
that big tarp over there?
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295. Oh, that was Chris's blankie
from when he was a baby.
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296. Yeah, he was a big kid.
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297. Almost split Lois in half,
coming out of her.
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298. It's true.
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299. I never mentioned this because
I don't want him to feel bad,
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300. but after he was born, they had
to rearrange most of my organs.
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301. Oh, yeah. He dragged half
of Lois right out with him.
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302. Yeah, the doctors said I'll
be lucky if I live past 50,
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303. but Chris is healthy,
and I thank God for that.
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304. Oh, there you are, Brian.
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305. All right, you ready
to meet your clone?
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306. Am I ever?
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307. I've got a to-do list
three pages long for him.
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308. Okay, now I want to qualify
this by reminding you
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309. that, as with my clone,
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310. the intelligence level
is reduced a bit.
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311. That's good. We don't
want him thinking too much.
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312. Yeah, well, I might
have dialed yours back
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313. a little more
than I ought to have.
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314. What do you mean?
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315. Brian,
meet Bitch Brian.
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316. Hi, Brian. You got some stuff
you want me to do for you?
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317. Oh, my God.
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318. Yeah. That's kind of
what I said, too.
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319. You know, I'll-I'll be honest
with you, Brian.
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320. Here's what happened.
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321. I didn't really want
to do the work,
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322. so Bitch Stewie
sort of did it.
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323. Hey, Stewie,
how'd the clone turn out?
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324. Brian, I can't go
to the bathroom by myself.
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325. Will you please help me?
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326. But I'm good
at other stuff!
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327. Hello, Candy.
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328. Hi, Glenn.
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329. Come on in.
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330. So, how long you been
in beauty school?
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331. Two months.
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332. Well, tonight
we're doing facials.
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333. Oh, God. Hang on a second.
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334. Okay, okay. Stop.
Just stop crying.
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335. Stop crying, Anna Lee.
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336. Oh, no wonder. You
dropped your pacifier.
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337. You have a baby?
Yeah. It's a long story.
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338. Damn kid's kept me up
every night for two weeks.
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339. Now, where were we?
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340. Giggity-giggity...
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341. Glenn, you fell asleep,
so I took off.
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342. It's probably for the best.
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343. I've never had sex before,
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344. and I probably wouldn't
have been much good at it.
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345. That's it.
That kid is out of here.
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346. Hey, there's another note.
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347. "Glenn, this is your child.
Next time wear a condom, jer..."
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348. Oh, that's the note
from earlier.
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349. I...
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350. need a file cabinet.
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351. So, it's just not working out,
me being a father.
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352. And that's why I'm wondering
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353. if you and Lois would be
willing to adopt the baby.
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354. Uh... Oh, boy, Quagmire.
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355. I-I don't know
that we can do that.
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356. We-we-we can barely take
care of the two we have.
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357. Now-Now, this is
just a suggestion.
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358. Just throwing it out there.
Have you considered abortion?
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359. Uh, Peter, I think
it's too late for that.
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360. Oh, don't let the press
put the scare into you.
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361. Wade v. Boggs has
not been overturned.
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362. Yeah, but you can't really
abort a live baby.
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363. Ho, boy, they have got you.
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364. Glenn, Glenn.
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365. Give her back to God.
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366. Peter, I'm going to go ahead and
move the conversation forward.
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367. Is there any way
you guys could take Anna Lee?
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368. No, Quagmire.
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369. We got enough kids
of our own,
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370. plus ol' Brian over there.
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371. Right, buddy?
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372. I sharpened a
pencil in my bum
Copy !req
373. and now I need
a Band-Aid.
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374. You're doing
the right thing, Quagmire.
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375. All right, Quagmire, just so
you're clear on the law,
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376. once you give this child up
to the adoption agency,
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377. you can no longer abort it.
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378. Hello, sir.
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379. Do you wish to put this
child up for adoption?
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380. Yeah.
It's not working out.
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381. I need to get her
out of my hair.
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382. Well, we can
help you there.
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383. Is it a boy or a girl?
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384. It's a girl.
Her name's Anna Lee.
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385. Oh, beautiful name.
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386. Let me take her from you.
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387. Well, go on, Quagmire.
Give her the baby.
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388. I-I will.
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389. I-I just...
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390. Oh...
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391. Here.
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392. She, uh... She'll go
to a good home, right?
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393. Oh, yes.
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394. She'll be
somewhere safe, right?
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395. Like, you're not going to put
her with sand people, right?
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396. You mean like
from Star Wars?
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397. No, no, no, no, no.
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398. Brian, I didn't know if
you wanted a God's eye,
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399. but I made you one.
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400. Uh...
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401. Okay, thank you.
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402. Did you wash my car,
like I asked?
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403. No, but I hit it
with a rock.
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404. Okay, thanks.
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405. Brian, I think my jaw
is falling off.
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406. Oh! Oh, G...
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407. Stewie, what is happening
to this thing?
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408. Oh, yeah. Turns out the clones
aren't too stable, Brian.
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409. I've been having
some trouble with mine, too.
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410. Hey, Stewie, everything sounds
like rushing water.
Copy !req
411. And I can't stand up
so very good.
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412. Yeah, I figure they've got
less than a minute
Copy !req
413. before they
dissolve completely.
Copy !req
414. Hey, Brian?
Knock-knock.
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415. Who's there?
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416. Whoa. I hope
that doesn't happen to me.
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417. He took my dry cleaning
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418. and I have no idea
what he did with the ticket.
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419. Yeah, this was not
a fruitful endeavor.
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420. I'm not proud of this,
but I need to lick that up.
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421. This will be great,
Quagmire.
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422. A nudie bar is
the perfect way to celebrate
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423. your first night
without a baby.
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424. Yeah, Peter,
this is great.
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425. I feel like myself again.
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426. I'll tell ya, my life was
so dominated by that baby.
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427. I'm glad she's gone.
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428. Eh, you know sometimes,
you just got
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429. to make a decision
and go with it.
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430. Like when I decided to try
that radical penis enlargement.
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431. Peter, I don't think...
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432. Brian, your objections
are duly noted.
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433. Now hit the gas!
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434. You know that would never work
again in a million years.
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435. Don't need it to, Brian.
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436. Heh. That stripper
has a rash on her ass,
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437. just like Anna Lee
used to get.
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438. Uh, yeah.
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439. And that other stripper's
sitting on that guy's lap,
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440. just like Anna Lee used to do.
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441. I guess.
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442. And that stripper only has
one tooth, just like Anna Lee.
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443. Quagmire,
you feeling okay?
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444. I don't know.
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445. I think I might have
made a terrible mistake.
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446. I abandoned my daughter!
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447. Why did I give away
my only daughter?
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448. Oh...
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449. Oh, God.
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450. He'll be fine.
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451. We shouldn't let this
ruin our night.
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452. Let's just enjoy
the strippers.
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453. I guess.
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454. I just hate the way that one
gets so into her work.
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455. You boys have
been very naughty.
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456. I'm going to have to
assign you extra homework.
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457. Darn it.
Fractions are so hard.
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458. What did you get
for number four?
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459. She said, "Don't
share answers"!
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460. All right, here
it is: 625 Maple.
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461. That's the family
that adopted Anna Lee.
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462. Hey, wait, wait.
Guys?
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463. Well, it's just me
and my old nemesis, First Step.
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464. Hey, Joe, what you doing?
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465. You out for a walk?
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466. I hate this block.
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467. There she is!
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468. There's Anna Lee!
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469. Hang on, Anna Lee.
I'm coming.
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470. It's them.
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471. Look at her.
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472. She looks so happy.
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473. Almost like she belongs there.
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474. They look like a real family.
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475. I can't take her
away from this.
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476. What's happening?
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477. He's not going
to go through with it!
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478. It's a nice family and the kid
will be better off here!
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479. Aw, that's sweet!
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480. What's the inside
of the house look like?
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481. Colonial!
Furniture's pretty good!
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482. Possibly imported area rug!
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483. Oh, that's nice!
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484. A bit pricey, but for
the money you're spending,
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485. you know, it's not
a bad way to go!
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486. Yeah, for the money!
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487. You ready to go, Quagmire?
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488. Yeah.
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489. You know, I got to tell you,
I think you did a good thing.
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490. Well, I guess I just realized
it's not about me.
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491. This family is what's
best for Anna Lee.
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492. This is her home now.
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493. I got to let her go.
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494. I'm proud of you, Quagmire.
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495. Thanks, man.
Hey, who knows?
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496. Maybe I'll bump
into her in 18 years.
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497. What?
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498. Did you really think I was
going to change that much?
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499. Good night, everybody!
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