1. Oh, one minute to opening,
everybody!
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2. Why are they selling
all those DVDs so cheap?
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3. Because, Chris,
DVDs are outdated and obsolete.
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4. Like white track stars.
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5. On your marks, get set.
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6. White guys, go!
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7. I have high hopes
for this.
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8. I had a Clif bar
before we started.
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9. Everybody else!
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10. Phew. I thought
they were coming after us.
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11. All right, everyone,
all DVDs are a dollar,
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12. and everything must go!
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13. Come on in!
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14. Please be here.
Please be here.
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15. Oh, sweet mother of God,
there you are!
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16. I'll watch you
with the lights off.
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17. Like I would dare.
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18. You're getting
Dan In Real Life?
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19. What? I heard
it's good.
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20. No, I get it.
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21. He's resting his head
on pancakes.
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22. It looks hilarious.
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23. The joke,
of course, being
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24. that one wouldn't
generally do that
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25. were there
a pillow available.
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26. Oh, my God, Road House!
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27. I want to buy this!
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28. Great, and as a
bonus, I'll throw in
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29. What Dreams May Come
with Robin Williams.
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30. No, thank you.
No charge.
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31. I do not want it.
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32. But it's free, sir.
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33. If that DVD even touches
Road House, I will kill you.
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34. Don't worry.
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35. Someday someone will come
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36. and take you home
for their very own.
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37. Help! Somebody!
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38. These drunk, redneck truckers
are trying
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39. to have their way with me!
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40. Not while my scrotum is pressed
up against my stomach
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41. in these jeans, they won't.
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42. Road House.
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43. That was awesome.
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44. And its message
is timeless.
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45. Peter, the only message
in that movie is
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46. that every problem in life
can be solved by kicking.
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47. Oh, my God.
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48. Brian, you're right.
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49. Peter, I'm joking.
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50. What did you say to me?
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51. Peter, what are you doing?
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52. Get off my plane.
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53. That's not even the same...
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54. Oh! What the hell?
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55. Not gonna talk to me
like that in my bar.
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56. It's not a bar. Oh!
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57. Oh, that's right.
Cleveland moved.
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58. Here's your
burger, sir.
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59. Thank you.
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60. Sir, I need
another $1.25.
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61. Is that right?
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62. Keep the change.
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63. Road House.
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64. Ugh!
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65. Okay, that is the last time
you are gonna pull that crap.
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66. You hear me?
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67. Yes.
Do you hear me?
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68. Yes.
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69. Now, you are gonna hold
down that football
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70. until Charlie
Brown kicks it.
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71. You got that?
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72. Yes.
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73. Go ahead, Charlie.
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74. Yay!
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75. And you know
what else?
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76. I did some
checking around.
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77. You're not a
licensed therapist.
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78. Road House.
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79. You know, it's
still early, Peter.
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80. What do you say we horse
around a little, huh?
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81. I think I can get
on board with that.
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82. Ow!
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83. Road House.
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84. Peter, for God's sakes,
if you're gonna do that,
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85. at least aim
for my breasts.
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86. Oh, yeah.
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87. Road House.
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88. Peter, I don't think you should
be driving with your feet.
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89. Road House.
Wait. Why you taking
the back way home?
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90. There are so many turns.
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91. Road House.
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92. Road House.
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93. Road House.
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94. Road House.
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95. Road Hou... Roa... Road...
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96. Road Hou... Roa... Roa...
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97. Road Hou... Road Hou... Road...
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98. Roa... Road...
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99. Road House.
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100. Road House.
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101. Oh, my God!
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102. Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
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103. Sorry. I wasn't really looking
where I was going.
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104. Probably a little
blame on our side, too.
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105. Road House?
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106. Well, I guess we're just
lucky nobody got hurt.
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107. Yeah, yeah, I agree.
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108. But, uh, you know, I sort of
have one other problem.
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109. Maybe you can
help me out.
What's that?
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110. I have a dinner reservation
for two tonight at Dominick's,
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111. and it's just me.
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112. I see your problem.
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113. I think I might
be able to help.
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114. Ma'am, you want me to kick
those dents out for you?
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115. Peter, we've had complaints
from all over town.
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116. You're gonna have to
stop with the kicking.
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117. Oh, yeah? I think my scary,
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118. otherworldly,
shadowy, spirit friends
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119. might have something
to say about that.
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120. Ghost.
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121. Can I help you?
Hi. I'm Brian,
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122. and I'm here
to pick up Nicole.
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123. Oh, hi. I'm Rita, her mom.
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124. You must be the one
she had that fender bender with.
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125. Well, I got to meet Nicole,
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126. so I prefer to think of it
as a happy accident.
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127. Is she ready?
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128. Oh.
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129. Well, unfortunately,
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130. she left for dinner
with another guy
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131. about half an hour ago.
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132. What? We had a date.
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133. Yeah, I'm afraid
that's Nicole.
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134. She's 21 and gorgeous.
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135. Guys ask her out all the time,
and I-I think she loses track.
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136. Oh, for God's sake.
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137. Well, let me at least
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138. leave my car insurance
information for her.
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139. Is that...
your condom?
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140. No! I... I mean,
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141. I mean, I-I-I wasn't gonna
use that on your daughter.
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142. I mean, I-I-I wouldn't...
I would not...
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143. I would not use a condom
on your daughter.
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144. I mean, I-I-I would,
if I was having sex with her,
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145. which obviously,
I would not do.
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146. But if... if... I mean,
I'm safe and all, you know.
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147. I-I get an AIDS test
once every three months.
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148. And-and-and not
because I... I...
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149. You know, it's not
because I have a lot of sex.
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150. I just... I just eat a lot
of poo off the street.
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151. Come to think of it,
how did this get
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152. in my wallet
in the first place?
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153. "Dear Brian,
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154. "somewhere between the point
when you're excited enough
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155. "to want it
and too excited to care,
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156. "think about your future.
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157. Your friend, Stewie."
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158. Well, I think
I've been humiliated enough
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159. for one evening.
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160. Sorry to bother you.
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161. If it's any consolation,
I would never have stood you up.
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162. Well, I guess that makes you
one of the rare ones nowadays.
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163. Your husband's a lucky guy.
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164. Divorced.
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165. Oh.
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166. Well, at the risk of
humiliating myself once again,
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167. I still have a reservation.
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168. Well, I don't
have plans.
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169. Well, terrific.
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170. Hey, maybe I'll get
to use this after all, huh?
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171. I'm-I'm just... I'm kidding.
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172. Oh, please.
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173. At my age, I don't have
to worry about pregnancy.
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174. How old are ya?
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175. Oh, you don't
want to know!
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176. I kind of do.
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177. Hang on. Just let me get
my purse, and we can go.
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178. Wow. She seems great.
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179. We're getting along better than
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.
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180. You want to smoke some crack?
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181. Aah!
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182. Aw.
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183. I love you.
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184. Get the crack!
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185. Brian, you want
some lasagna?
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186. Oh, no, thanks.
Rita and I grabbed
a bite already.
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187. Gosh, you've been seeing
this Rita for weeks now,
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188. and you still haven't
brought her over to the house.
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189. When are we gonna meet
the lovely lady, huh?
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190. Oh, she's being ironic.
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191. What are you saying,
I don't date lovely women?
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192. Yeah, you got it.
You got it.
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193. No, it just seems like some
of your past girlfriends
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194. have been a little
dumb and trampy.
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195. First of all, that's not true,
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196. and second of all,
she's not like that.
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197. She's wonderful,
she's smart, she's pretty.
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198. And, you know, the only reason
I haven't brought her around
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199. is that you guys don't always
make the best impression
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200. with girls I date—
especially Peter.
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201. Hey, aren't you that chick
from the bathroom door?
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202. Come on, Peter. She doesn't
want to talk about work.
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203. What's it like in there?
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204. I assume it's like how
it is in the men's room.
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205. Oh, there's a long trough
with a big poo in it?
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206. You know, Brian, the past
few weeks have been great.
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207. I can't remember
the last time
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208. I've had this much fun
dating somebody.
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209. I can remember the last
time I have: never.
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210. That's the writer
in you, Brian.
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211. Did you always know that's
what you wanted to do?
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212. Well, actually, I really thought
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213. I was going to be
an actor at one point.
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214. I even got
a few high profile gigs.
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215. Really? Anything I've seen?
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216. Oh, you ever heard of a tiny,
little independent movie
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217. called Die Hard?
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218. Wow! You were in that?
Sure was.
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219. Hey, what do you say
we go back to my place,
and I'll show it to you?
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220. Sounds good to me.
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221. We'll have to be
a little quiet;
everyone's asleep.
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222. Have a seat.
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223. Okay, watch this.
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224. This is my scene.
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225. Doesn't make sense, man.
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226. Hey, don't ask me, man.
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227. I'm just a desk jockey who was
on my way home when you rang.
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228. The way you drove that car,
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229. I figured you
for the street, Al.
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230. In my youth.
In my youth.
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231. Okay, here it comes.
Watch, watch.
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232. we've had situations
where the hostages
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233. have embraced their captors
after their release,
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234. and even corresponded
with them in prison.
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235. No, no, no, darling.
Asian Dawn.
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236. Dawn, D-A-W-N.
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237. Sir?
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238. I... Yeah?
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239. Sir, the FBI is here.
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240. Hold...
The FBI is here now?
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241. Yes, sir.
Right over there.
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242. Hold this.
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243. Want a breath mint?
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244. Breath mint.
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245. I ad-libbed that line.
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246. Well, I had no idea
I was dating a famous actor.
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247. Should we go upstairs?
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248. Sounds good to me.
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249. That's right, Shia,
give me all you got.
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250. Okay, the coast is clear.
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251. Oh. Good morning.
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252. Oh, uh, hey, Lois.
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253. Who's, uh,
who's your friend?
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254. Uh, Rita, this is Lois.
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255. Lois, Rita.
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256. So great
to meet you.
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257. Lovely to
meet you.
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258. Perfect, everyone hits it off.
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259. Listen, Rita, why don't you wait
in the car,
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260. I'll be out in a minute.
Okay, sweetie.
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261. Well, you met her.
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262. What do you think?
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263. What?
What do I think?
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264. She's a hundred!
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265. Oh, my God!
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266. Peter, did you see her?
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267. I'm looking at her now!
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268. I can see her
from the window up here!
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269. Hey, anybody make
a Jessica Tandy joke yet?
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270. No!
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271. Awesome!
I'll be right down!
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272. Hey, Brian,
who are you dating,
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273. Jessica Tandy?
Son of a bitch.
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274. Damn it, Chris, I called
that from upstairs!
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275. What are you guys
talking about?
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276. She's a beautiful woman.
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277. You know, Lois, you of all
people should be pleased.
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278. I mean, all the crap I take
for dating young bimbos.
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279. How old is she, Brian?
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280. Wha-What difference
does it make?
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281. Age has nothing to
do with anything.
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282. Okay, you know what?
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283. I'll bring her
to dinner,
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284. and you can see for yourself
what a bright, fun,
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285. and charming woman
she is.
Wonderful.
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286. I'll cook something
that's not too binding.
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287. Well, Rita, I'm so glad
you could join us for dinner.
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288. Oh, thanks
for having me, Lois.
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289. This food is delicious.
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290. Oh, thank you.
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291. I'm so glad
you can taste it.
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292. Hey, you know what
we haven't done for a while?
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293. Go around the table,
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294. and everybody says
what year they were born.
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295. Uh, so, kids, how
was your day?
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296. Well, the sandbox...
It was great!
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297. Uh, guess he's
going first.
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298. We got a new pencil sharpener
in math class!
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299. Well, that's nice.
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300. Say, Rita, who was president
when you were born?
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301. Great pot roast, Lois.
Thank you, Brian.
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302. Rita, would you like
me to cut yours up
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303. a little smaller?
Oh, I'm fine.
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304. Boy, speaking of that,
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305. I don't know how many people
have asked me today
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306. where I was when Martin
Luther King was shot.
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307. I'm sure you've been asked.
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308. What do you tell them?
Ugh, who can forget?
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309. I remember just
crying like a baby.
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310. Crying like a baby,
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311. or crying like someone
in college?
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312. Say, Brian, on her
answering machine,
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313. how long after her
message is the beep?
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314. Wow, this has just
been a delight.
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315. Oh, you can't go yet.
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316. We haven't had dessert.
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317. Interesting.
You know, the first time
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318. I had dessert was
36 years ago today.
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319. How about you, Rita, you
remember your first dessert?
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320. Oh, Lord, no.
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321. It was so many
years ago.
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322. Like 40 years ago?
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323. Peter.
What were
stagecoaches like?
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324. 50 years ago?
Would that be a good guess?
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325. Oh, dear.
Peter!
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326. How old are you?
How old are you?
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327. Fifty! Okay!
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328. I'm 50!
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329. Happy now?
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330. You people
are awful!
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331. You know, this is what's wrong
with society!
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332. Nobody bats an eye
if a woman dates an older man,
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333. but God forbid
it's the other way around!
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334. There is nothing wrong
with me dating Rita!
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335. She's beautiful,
she's a charming woman,
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336. and I love her!
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337. Rita...
Oh, Brian,
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338. please leave
me alone.
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339. They're right, I'm
just an old fool
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340. thinking we could
be together.
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341. Will you stop that?
They're insane.
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342. They don't know what
they're talking about.
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343. You're an amazing woman.
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344. Oh, you're just
saying that.
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345. No, I'm not.
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346. The only thing that matters
is how I feel about you.
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347. Rita... I love you.
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348. I love you,
too, Brian.
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349. I think you're the most
wonderful woman
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350. I've ever met.
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351. Will you marry me?
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352. What did you just say?
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353. Come on, you're only 50,
you heard me.
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354. Will you marry me?
Oh, Brian.
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355. Yes.
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356. Yes, Brian,
I'll marry you!
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357. Hey, Mom.
Hey, Brian.
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358. We'll be upstairs.
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359. Yo, Rita,
you want in on this?
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360. No, thanks.
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361. We just got
engaged!
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362. I'm faithful
to Brian now.
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363. Whatever.
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364. This ain't even
my whole night.
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365. You're engaged?
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366. Yes. Rita and I are
getting married.
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367. My God, I can't even
react big enough.
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368. Here's Mrs. Garrett.
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369. What?
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370. Look, if my happiness
means so little to you
all that you have
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371. Charlotte Rae
just standing by
to crack a joke,
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372. then you really
disappoint me.
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373. Look, Brian, I apologize
for the other night.
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374. We-we were all
very insensitive.
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375. And if this is
what you want,
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376. we as a family,
support your decision.
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377. I don't.
I'd-I'd rather you marry
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378. a-a-a-a-a-a-a...
a Japanese or something.
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379. I'm with you, too, buddy.
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380. In 20 years, she'll be 70,
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381. and you'll have been dead
for 15 years.
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382. God bless the both of yous.
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383. Hey, it's 4:30.
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384. Isn't there
an early bird special
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385. you should be
running off to?
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386. She's 50, Stewie.
She's not an old woman.
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387. Hello?
Hey, Rita.
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388. Uh, no, I'm not
hungry yet.
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389. Well, if we get
there by 5:30,
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390. I'm sure they'll honor it.
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391. Brian, is she calling
dinner "supper?"
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392. So, what are you doing
this afternoon?
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393. "Oh, I'm just sorting out my
pills for the week, sweetie."
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394. Well, you do that,
and I'll be over
a little later.
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395. Huh? Did I get it?
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396. Was she sorting out
her pills for the week?
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397. In that little plastic thing
with the seven boxes? Hmm?
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398. Actually, she just
got back from the gym,
Copy !req
399. and she's jumping
in the shower.
Copy !req
400. She got a chair
in that shower?
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401. Shut up!
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402. Have archaeologists
ever discovered
Copy !req
403. ancient Egyptian
pottery in her vagina?
Copy !req
404. You know what? That one was too
wordy. That one was too wordy.
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405. That-that was— that was
flawed from the ground up.
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406. It wasn't funny,
and we'll work on it
Copy !req
407. and get back to you.
Copy !req
408. Hey, Rita?
Yeah?
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409. Where do you keep
your toothpaste?
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410. What are you looking for,
tooth polish?
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411. Toothpaste, yeah.
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412. Just use the baking soda.
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413. "Baking soda"?
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414. Ah, what the hell,
I can skip a night.
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415. Oh, I've never noticed
this picture before.
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416. Is that you when you were
a little girl?
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417. Oh, yeah. That's the summer
my family went to DC.
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418. That, uh, flag's missing
some stars there.
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419. Why don't you
come to bed, Brian?
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420. What do you say we make
a little whoopee?
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421. Yeah, sure.
Why not?
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422. Whoo!
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423. Are you okay?
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424. I'm not hurting
you, am I?
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425. No, I'm fine.
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426. What are you
talking about?
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427. I-I just want to make
sure you're comfortable.
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428. Oh, I love you, Brian!
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429. Sock it to me!
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430. What?
Ouch!
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431. What's wrong?
Oh, nothing.
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432. When I'm on my back,
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433. sometimes my breast can
slide in my armpit.
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434. Just got pinched,
that's all.
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435. Okay.
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436. Ow!
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437. Was that your boob?
God, no!
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438. I, I think I broke my hip!
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439. Oh, my God!
Wh-Wh-Wh-What should I do?
Copy !req
440. Call the number
on my bracelet!
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441. It says, "Murray Hill,
four, one, eight, five."
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442. That's not enough numbers!
That's the number, Brian!
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443. Just dial zero
and read it to Sarah.
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444. For God's sake, Rita!
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445. She's fine.
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446. She's out of surgery
and she's resting.
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447. Well, how did
she break it?
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448. Did she fall?
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449. Well, uh... she—
yes, she fell.
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450. Boy, you know, Brian,
a woman her age
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451. comes in here,
they don't always leave.
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452. Peter, she's going
to be okay.
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453. Listen, Brian,
you say the word
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454. and I'll go in there
with a pillow
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455. and you won't have
any more problems.
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456. How many times do I
have to tell you,
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457. I'm sticking by this woman?
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458. I love her.
Careful, Brian.
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459. Sometimes the things you
love can disappoint you.
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460. Like that Playboy issue.
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461. Ah, here we go.
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462. Playboy's
"Women of the Olympics."
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463. Wow, those are some
broad shoulders.
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464. Okay, I guess small boobs
are good for swimming.
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465. That, that—
those are balls.
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466. Brian?
Brian?
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467. Oh. Is the soup ready?
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468. Yeah, got it right here.
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469. Oh, good. I need
to take my pills.
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470. It's been three hours.
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471. You know, they warned me
these blue ones
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472. were going to make
me constipated.
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473. Right they were.
Okay.
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474. I am plugged up.
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475. No, I-I got it.
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476. Do it, Brian.
Do it.
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477. It's me as a pillow.
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478. You know what, Brian?
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479. Oh, I could really use
some milk of magnesia.
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480. Okay, well, I'll go
pick some up.
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481. Thanks, Brian.
I love you.
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482. Oh, and-and if
you're going out,
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483. get some milk of magnesia.
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484. Yeah, you just said that.
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485. I am plugged up.
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486. Wow, you are
really pretty.
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487. Thanks.
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488. You know, uh,
I wrote a book.
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489. What's that?
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490. It's like
a long magazine.
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491. Huh?
It's like the Internet
made out of a tree.
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492. Oh. Weird.
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493. You want to have sex
in the bathroom?
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494. Oh, gosh, what a treat.
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495. Yes, yes, I-I would—
I would like that.
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496. Boy, that took
you a long time.
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497. Did you have to wait
for the streetcar?
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498. Look, Rita, I have
a confession to make.
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499. I met a girl,
I had a couple drinks,
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500. and I slept with her.
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501. You what?
I know, I feel awful.
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502. It was a terrible thing to do.
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503. I'm so sorry.
It'll never happen again.
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504. But there's an upside.
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505. You see, these past few weeks
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506. I've been doubting
whether we're compatible,
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507. you know, because
of the age difference.
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508. But I realized that
that doesn't matter.
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509. That what-what I get from you
is what I always wanted:
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510. a smart, sexy, real person
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511. who I can talk with and share
every piece of me with.
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512. I had a moment of weakness
today, but in a way,
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513. it's all right
because it's taken me to a place
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514. where I now realize that
you're not too old for me.
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515. Isn't that great?
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516. You're not too old for me!
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517. You know what, Brian?
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518. You're not old
enough for me.
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519. What?
You cheated on me.
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520. That's what happened today.
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521. You can rationalize it any
way you want, but to me,
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522. all that shows is that
you're an immature guy
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523. who doesn't realize
what a catch I am.
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524. I'm sorry, Brian,
but you screwed up.
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525. Now, please go.
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526. But, Rita...
Go!
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527. You can leave my apartment
key on the davenport.
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528. Here?
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529. No, the davenport—
the chesterfield.
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530. On this?
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531. No, does that look
like a divan to you?
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532. Here?
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533. Ugh. Leave 'em
on the chifforobe.
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534. You know what?
Just take your keys.
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535. I don't know what
the you're
talking about.
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