1. Gathered together from the
cosmic reaches of the universe,
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2. here in this
great Hall of Justice
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3. are the most powerful
forces of good
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4. ever assembled.
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5. Superman.
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6. Batman and Robin.
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7. Wonder Woman.
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8. Aquaman.
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9. And Meg.
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10. Dedicated to truth,
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11. justice, and peace
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12. for all mankind.
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13. Hey, Quagmire,
what do you got there?
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14. It's the new Sports
Illustrated swimsuit issue.
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15. Check it out.
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16. Those swimsuit issues don't
excite me like they used to.
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17. I've been spoiled
by Internet porn.
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18. It's true.
Totally.
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19. What do you mean,
Internet porn?
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20. You, uh, don't know
about Internet porn?
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21. Don't know what? I'm not
really a computer guy.
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22. Quagmire, I would think
you, of all people,
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23. would know about Internet porn.
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24. They've got, like, thousands,
literally millions
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25. of naked pictures
on the Internet.
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26. What?
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27. And videos— thousands of them.
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28. You guys are
messing with me.
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29. Quagmire, you don't use
the Internet?
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30. You mean that crappy
dial-up thing
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31. that's a pain in the ass? No,
I don't use the damn Internet.
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32. I thought that was for nerds.
Why didn't you guys tell me?
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33. Oh, yeah.
You can even see
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34. Tanya Harding's
honeymoon video on there.
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35. I mean, it's gross,
but it's, like, famous gross.
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36. You know, these women
don't compare
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37. to the old swimsuit issues
with Kathy Ireland.
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38. Yeah. She had it going on.
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39. You know, Horace still
has one of those
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40. old beer promotion
cutouts of her
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41. from, like 1994
in the back room.
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42. Don't you, Horace?
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43. Oh, you mean this thing?
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44. I was about to throw it out.
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45. If anyone wants it, it's theirs.
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46. I'm taking you home with me.
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47. Hey, Dad. Where are you going
with that cutout?
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48. Oh, hey, kids.
This is Kathy.
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49. We're designing lifestyle
products together.
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50. It's completely legitimate,
but don't tell your mother.
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51. I had a great time
today at the museum.
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52. You were the most
beautiful woman there.
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53. You know, Lois won't be home
from groceries for a while.
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54. I have an idea.
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55. Knock-knock.
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56. Anyone in the bathroom?
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57. I love the time we've spent
together, you know that?
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58. Hey, Kathy, guess what?
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59. I'm out.
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60. Under the table right now.
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61. I'm out.
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62. Peter?
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63. Oh, no.
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64. What the hell
is going on?
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65. I sent you to pick up
dinner an hour ago.
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66. What are you doing
with that cutout?
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67. You know what, Lois?
I'm glad you found out.
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68. I can't carry on
the charade anymore.
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69. I have an announcement to make.
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70. No, no, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
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71. I know I've been able
to keep this a secret,
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72. but Kathy and I are not actually
working on a project together.
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73. We're...
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74. in love.
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75. You're an idiot.
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76. My lawyer will call your lawyer.
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77. Ugh, this is
the stupidest thing he's done
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78. since he got in a turf war
with that cat.
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79. Hey, shut up!
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80. Now, kids, you don't have to
call her "Mom" right away,
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81. but I do want you
guys to get along.
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82. Just give her a chance.
I think you'll like her.
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83. Maybe she'll let us do things
that Lois won't let us do!
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84. Yeah! Hey, Mom,
can I pull my pants down?
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85. If she doesn't answer,
does that mean "yes"?
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86. That's what I've
been going with.
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87. Yay!
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88. I want to get in on that!
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89. Yeah. All right, all right...
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90. Mine's better. Mine's better...
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91. Oh. Hello, Lois.
I would have thought
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92. you'd have moved in
with your mother by now.
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93. No, Peter. I'm just pretty much
letting this run its course.
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94. Well, I'm sorry you're
handling this so poorly,
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95. but have you seen Kathy?
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96. We were gonna go get
her passport renewed.
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97. Oh, Chris took her into his
room about ten minutes ago.
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98. What? That whore!
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99. She's betrayed me worse than
Lady Macbeth betrayed Duncan.
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100. I, uh...
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101. I don't know Shakespeare
very well.
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102. Kathy?
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103. Kathy!
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104. There you are!
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105. Oh, don't give me that look!
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106. You don't think I know
where you've been?
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107. How dare you make
a fool of me!
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108. Did you have sex
with that fat kid?
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109. Did you?
Answer me!
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110. Oh, my God!
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111. Look what you made me do!
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112. Why did you have to provoke me?
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113. Why did you ha—?
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114. Quagmire?
There you are.
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115. Nobody's seen you in days.
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116. Hey, Peter.
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117. I just been, uh, checking out
some of that Internet porn.
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118. You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
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119. I'm just gonna go-go
and check my mail over there.
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120. You been lifting weights?
Uh, no.
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121. No. No, I don't think I... No.
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122. I, uh, I...
You know, I'm-I'm sorry, Peter.
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123. I gotta... I gotta get back.
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124. I'm sorry, Lois!
I was a fool!
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125. I'm done with Kathy.
Can you ever forgive me?
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126. Peter, settle down.
Yes, I forgive you.
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127. Just as long as you're done
with that stupid cutout.
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128. I just want you to know that
every time I was with her,
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129. I was thinking of you.
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130. Peter, stop.
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131. Come on. I'm not in the mood.
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132. Oh.
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133. Oh, Peter!
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134. Oh, Lois, I missed you.
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135. You and your wonderful smile
and your beautiful eyes
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136. and your awesome third boob
that's on top of the other boob.
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137. What? Oh, my God!
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138. Peter, that's not a boob.
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139. That's a lump!
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140. A lump? Holy crap!
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141. Peter, stop that!
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142. We're not having sex!
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143. I just told you I have a lump.
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144. I got a lump too, and
mine's easier to get rid of.
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145. Mrs. Griffin, I've
got good news.
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146. Your test results
came back negative.
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147. It appears the lump
in your breast
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148. is not black
gross boob death.
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149. Breast cancer?
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150. That's the
layman's term, yes.
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151. Oh, thank God!
What a relief.
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152. Yeah, that was scary.
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153. Now, Mrs. Griffin, although
you're in the clear
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154. for the moment, we
need to have a look
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155. at your family medical history
to determine your future risk.
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156. Huh. That's curious.
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157. I didn't realize your mother
was a Holocaust survivor.
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158. My mother?
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159. Oh, no,
that's-that's impossible.
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160. She's not Jewish.
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161. According to her birth
certificate, she is.
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162. Oh, my God.
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163. Wow.
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164. Breast cancer's starting
to look pretty good.
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165. Mom, you're Jewish?
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166. I'm sorry I never
told you, dear.
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167. When we were married, your
father made me conceal the fact
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168. so he could get
into country clubs.
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169. It was the right thing to do.
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170. It was the right
thing to do, dear.
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171. Oh, my God.
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172. So Grandma Hebrewberg
is actually Jewish?
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173. Yes, when she moved to America,
her family changed their name.
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174. It was originally
Hebrewbergmoneygrabber.
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175. That makes you Jewish, Lois.
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176. And your children, too.
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177. Well, this kind of
rocks my world.
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178. Even more than the time
I went to that pediatrician.
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179. Whoa, Stewie!
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180. You're getting
to be a big boy!
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181. I think somebody's going
to be a football star!
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182. Oh, you.
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183. Oops. Forgot your chart.
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184. Be right back.
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185. Whoa, Jason!
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186. You're getting
to be a big boy.
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187. I think somebody's going
to be a football star.
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188. I can't believe
I fell for that line.
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189. I actually let myself believe
I could be a doctor's wife.
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190. You're just fat, Stewie.
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191. Silly and fat.
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192. Uh, thank you for
coming over, Max.
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193. I really need some advice
from an actual Jewish person.
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194. Oh, it's my pleasure, Lois.
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195. I'm sure this all
must be very overwhelming.
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196. I just don't know what to
do with this information.
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197. I-I've spent my whole
life as a Christian.
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198. I'll tell you what you should do
with it: absolutely nothing.
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199. That's the problem
with this world.
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200. Too many people go overboard
with what they believe.
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201. Like Quagmire when he thought
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202. he was the one
getting the spin-off.
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203. See you later, bitches!
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204. Have fun with your stupid
giant chicken jokes
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205. and your Conway Twitty...
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206. Hey, why is there a moving truck
outside Cleveland's house?
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207. Well, I wouldn't put it
quite like that,
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208. but essentially, Brian's right.
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209. Being Jewish doesn't
really have to change you
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210. or your family's life.
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211. Well, I guess you're right.
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212. There's no reason things should
be any different around here.
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213. Shalom, Jews!
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214. Wow, Dad, where did you get
all that glistening chest hair?
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215. It came with my
Star of David.
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216. Peter, what is all this?
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217. Look, this is my way
of letting you know
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218. that I'm embracing who you are.
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219. Oh, and I don't respond
to Peter.
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220. From now on, I want you to use
my Hebrew name, Hccccccchhhhh.
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221. Well, I-I caution you,
uh, Hccccccchhhhh,
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222. that becoming Jewish
doesn't happen overnight.
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223. It's a process that involves
spiritual education
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224. and good works.
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225. So what you're saying
is that it happens overnight?
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226. Look, Peter, I'm the one
with the Jewish heritage,
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227. and I really don't want
to make a big deal out of this.
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228. Leave it to a Jew to take
all the fun out of being a Jew.
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229. Now, listen up. I like the hat,
and I like the scarf.
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230. So we're doing this.
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231. Kids, from now on, this is where
we'll celebrate the Sabbath.
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232. Peter, this is
all unnecessary.
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233. Our life was fine
the way it was.
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234. Check it out. I'm one
of you guys now, huh?
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235. I'm Jewish! Yeah!
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236. Holocaust!
We're #1!
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237. Look at all these
short, hairy men.
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238. God, I feel like I'm
on the forest moon of Endor.
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239. Good afternoon.
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240. As we approach
the Passover holiday,
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241. let us remember the struggle
of our people
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242. as they labored under the yoke
of Pharaoh's despotic rule.
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243. Hey, if anyone appreciates
a good yoke, it's the yews.
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244. That's my Jewish laugh. I'm
working on a Jewish laugh.
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245. Peter, I'm so
embarrassed right now.
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246. Can we please just go?
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247. Hi. You're pretty.
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248. Oh, thank you.
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249. Mom, is sodomy illegal
if you're Jewish?
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250. I hope so, Meg.
I really do.
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251. It's not, Lois.
It's not.
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252. Dad, this isn't
the way to school.
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253. Yes, it is, Chris.
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254. One of the best parts
about being Jewish
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255. is getting to take advantage
of their excellent schools.
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256. I'm not going
to no Jewish school.
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257. Sitting around all day with
a bunch of short, hairy guys.
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258. I'll feel like I'm on
the forest moon of Endor.
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259. Didn't you... didn't you make
that joke the other day?
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260. Oh. Yeah.
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261. No, I just wasn't sure
if everybody had,
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262. um... had heard.
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263. And instead of
lasting for one day,
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264. the oil in the lamp
lasted for eight days.
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265. And that is why we
celebrate Hanukkah.
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266. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
how long before we play
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267. "pin the eviction notice
on the black guy's door"?
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268. Now, does anyone have
any questions?
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269. Yeah, I have a question—
what are you gonna do
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270. when Jesus comes back
and puts a boot up your ass?
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271. And it's also why many families
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272. give their children
eight days of presents.
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273. Wait, did she say
eight days of presents?
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274. Yeah.
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275. Well, this Judaism thing is
gonna be better than I thought.
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276. All right, class, that's
all for today's lesson.
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277. Now everyone off
to gym class.
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278. All right, today we're
gonna play soccer.
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279. Huh. That was easy.
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280. Hey, Lois, the kids
are all asleep.
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281. I suppose they are.
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282. You know what else?
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283. I picked out a sexy
little Jewish outfit
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284. for you at the store.
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285. What is that?
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286. Oh, my God, Lois,
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287. if you put on this long, thick
dress right now, I will lose it.
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288. Peter, I'm not
wearing that thing.
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289. And if you put this shawl
over your head...
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290. Ooh, do you have any clunky,
unfashionable peasant shoes?
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291. Oh, I swear to God, Lois,
I swear to God, I would lose it.
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292. Peter, get off me!
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293. Tell me I don't earn as much
as your friend's husband.
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294. Peter, stop it!
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295. I'm going to sleep.
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296. Fine. I'll just sit
here and watch TV.
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297. We now return to Mark Wahlberg
in Annoyed and Confused.
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298. What? What's going on?
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299. I don't get it.
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300. Man, I gotta work out.
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301. What's going on here?
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302. Where am I?
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303. What the... Huh?
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304. What the hell's going on here?
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305. Huh? What?
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306. Peter.
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307. Dad?
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308. What do you think
you're doing, Peter?
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309. You were raised Catholic.
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310. If you forsake your religion,
you'll spend eternity in Hell.
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311. Oh, God. I don't want that.
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312. Then you better knock off
all the Jewish stuff.
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313. Well... all right, if that's
what you think is best.
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314. Oh, wait, Dad, before you go,
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315. can you say, "Peter, you must
go to the Dagobah System"?
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316. Peter, you must go
to the Dagobah System.
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317. Ah. Thanks.
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318. Anybody want
toast or a bagel?
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319. Peter, what the hell?
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320. Lois, last night,
my father came to me
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321. and reminded me that
I'm a good Catholic.
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322. If I don't rid the house
of this Jewish curse,
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323. this family is
gonna go to Hell,
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324. and I won't let that happen.
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325. Peter, you were
the only one
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326. who was even taking
this thing seriously.
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327. Jews are gross, Lois.
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328. It's the only religion
with the word "ew" in it.
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329. Oh, come on, you're
acting crazier
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330. than when you were going
through your Parker Lewis phase.
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331. Peter, you ready
for dinner?
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332. Oh, that's just like
the Parker Lewis episode
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333. when Parker Lewis
ate dinner.
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334. Peter, nobody cares
about your canceled show.
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335. Lois, Parker Lewis
can't lose.
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336. Don't even try
and make him lose
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337. 'cause it's just going to be
that much more embarrassing
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338. for you when you realize
that he can't lose.
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339. Would he win
in a fight with Batman?
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340. Well, Chris, think about
what you're saying.
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341. Parker Lewis can't lose.
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342. Heretofore, Batman
can suck on that.
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343. Suck on that?
Suck on this.
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344. Tic-Tacs only have
one and a half calories.
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345. Well played.
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346. I love you, Dad.
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347. I love you too, son.
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348. Mm...
Huh?
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349. What the...
what the hell?
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350. How do you like it? Huh?
How do you like it?
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351. Peter, what in
God's name is this?
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352. Wait a minute, are these
pieces of Stewie's crib?
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353. I hate it here.
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354. Oh, thanks for spending
time with me today, Mom.
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355. I just had to get
out of that house.
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356. Peter's being
such a jackass.
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357. Lois, I think this is more
serious than you realize.
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358. Don't you see
what he's doing?
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359. Oh, he's just
being immature.
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360. It's happened before,
and it'll pass.
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361. Lois, what Peter
is doing to you
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362. is exactly what Carter
did to me for years.
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363. He's repressing
your Jewish identity.
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364. But, Mom, I don't really
care about being Jewish.
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365. Or even Christian,
for that matter.
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366. I just wanna be a good
person, on my own.
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367. All I'm saying is I let your
father take my Jewish identity,
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368. and I've regretted
it ever since.
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369. I don't want to see you
make the same mistake.
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370. I don't know, Mom.
I'll think about it.
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371. Carter, knock it off.
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372. Come on, you know you Jew
girls want that dollar.
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373. Follow the dollar,
and it'll lead you to... um...
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374. What do... what
do Jews like?
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375. Salmon. There's
salmon over here.
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376. Is there really
salmon over there?
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377. No.
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378. You walk over there and he
squirts you with a squirt gun.
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379. Aah! What the hell?
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380. Are you out of
your mind?
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381. Relax, Lois. I was aiming
for the mailbox.
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382. I'm just trying
to make a point.
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383. Good morning, Lois.
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384. Peter, for God's sake!
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385. I am so sorry, Mort.
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386. No problem, Lois.
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387. That's how people
say hello to me.
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388. Hey, Joe.
Hey, Mort.
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389. Peter, you and I are gonna
have a conversation.
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390. I'm very angry with you.
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391. Geez, what's your problem?
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392. What you did this morning was
so far out of line I just...
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393. Let me tell you this.
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394. Mom was right.
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395. I can't just sit here and let
you dump all over my heritage.
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396. I'm not gonna make
the mistake she did.
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397. I'm Jewish, and I'm proud of it.
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398. And this weekend
we're having a Passover seder.
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399. You can't do that. It's Easter.
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400. Not in this house.
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401. Lois, this family believes
in the Easter Bunny.
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402. He died for our sins
in that helicopter crash.
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403. Now, if you wanna go
to Hell, that's fine,
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404. but don't drag the rest
of us down with you
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405. like a mentally
handicapped rooster.
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406. Cock-a-doodle-doo.
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407. Cock-a-doodle-doo.
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408. Good night, everybody.
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409. Okay, everyone.
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410. This is my first time
doing a seder,
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411. which is where we tell the story
of the Jews' escape
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412. from bondage in Egypt.
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413. Doesn't it seem like
every Jewish holiday
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414. has to do with them
escaping from stuff?
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415. No, Chris.
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416. And you know, tricking some
bigger, more athletic people?
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417. Uh, Lois, not that
I'm rushing you,
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418. but when do we get
to the wine drinking?
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419. Hang on, hang on.
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420. Before we do anything,
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421. I'd like to say a blessing
over the candles if I may.
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422. Now bear with me, I haven't
had much rehearsal time.
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423. Can't we just eat?
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424. And now I shall
continue the prayer.
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425. Kali mah.
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426. Kali mah.
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427. Kali mah.
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428. Hum num shevai,
hum num shevai,
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429. hum num shevai, hum num
shevai, hum num shevai.
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430. Now let's move on
to the washing of the hands.
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431. This is a very important
part of the ceremo...
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432. Hey, hey, hey.
The Easter Bunny is here.
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433. Happy Easter.
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434. Peter, what the hell
are you doing in that...?
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435. Have you been drinking?
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436. Not since I got
out of the car.
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437. Who here thinks they
can kick my ass?
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438. Peter, you are not
gonna ruin this seder.
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439. Now get out of here.
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440. I'm sorry, kids, I just wanted
to help Brian run for mayor.
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441. I guess I forgot what
was really important.
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442. Peter, just go lie down.
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443. All right, I'm gonna
go lie down
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444. and then I'm gonna come back
and mess up your seder.
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445. All right, I'm back,
and I'm much more sober.
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446. Lois, what you're
doing is wrong.
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447. I want you to get all this
Jew food off the table.
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448. I most certainly
will not.
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449. It's me or your
religion, Lois.
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450. I'm a Catholic and I want
to live in a Catholic house.
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451. Well, I'm a Jew and I want
to live in a nicer house.
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452. You really think
I should run for mayor?
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453. Peter, you gotta stop living
in your own stupid world.
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454. I'm sorry, but I can't
be with someone
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455. who doesn't
believe in Jesus.
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456. Hey, hey,
heard my name.
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457. Wow, Jesus!
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458. Aw, you're dead
now, Lois.
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459. Jesus is gonna kill ya,
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460. and then we're gonna bury you
in the yard
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461. next to Kathy Ireland...
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462. I mean, uh, nice weather
we're having.
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463. Look, Peter, I thought it
might interest you to know
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464. that I'm Jewish.
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465. What?
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466. He's Jewish, Peter.
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467. Jewish, like full-on?
Like you practice Jewie-ism?
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468. I am a Jew.
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469. Prove it.
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470. What's a nine percent
tip on a $200 bill?
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471. $18. Which is fair.
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472. Oh, my God, it's true.
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473. But I'm so confused.
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474. Peter, it really
doesn't matter.
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475. Catholicism and Judaism
are not that different.
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476. They're two sides
of the same coin.
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477. In fact, the Last Supper,
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478. one of the most iconic images
of the Catholic faith,
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479. was a Passover seder.
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480. And if I'm not mistaken,
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481. Islam is also in that same
spiritual family...
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482. Uh, let's not muddy
things up here.
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483. The most important thing
is to treat other people
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484. the same way you would
want to be treated.
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485. Oh, an eye for an eye.
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486. Well, Lois, I guess
I owe you an apology.
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487. I was scared because
my dad convinced me
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488. I was going to Hell.
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489. And I was doing it to make up
for my mother's mistake.
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490. Look, I don't know
if being Jewish
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491. is the right thing
for our family.
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492. I just wanted the chance
to explore it
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493. so I could know for sure.
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494. But, to tell you the truth,
I thought we were fine before.
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495. But then, Jesus, which religion
should our family be?
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496. Six or one... they're
all complete crap.
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497. Thank you.
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